Forever and Always
by ahopefulauthor
Summary: Sequel to Always and Forever. Alex and Olivia have been together for nearly a year now and things couldn't be better. When a health crisis threatens to tear them apart, will Alex have the strength to hold the relationship together?
1. Marriage Talk

Disclaimer: I own Steve, Allen, and Jess. Dick owns everyone else.

This is the sequel to Always and Forever. If you haven't read that one yet, this one won't make any sense. Trust me. If you want to read this, and I would love for you to do so, I encourage you to read the other one first. Seriously, it's for your own good…and sanity.

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Six weeks after they returned from their cruise, Alex and Olivia found themselves sitting at the dinner table discussing wedding plans for the first time since Olivia had proposed.

"Who cares if we can't _really_ get married," Olivia said as she shoved a forkful of salad into her mouth. "We can still wear wedding dresses and have a beautiful ceremony and everything."

Alex nodded and sighed sadly. She looked down at her untouched salad and frowned. "I know, and I am so excited to do this."

"But?"

She looked up, but averted her eyes from Olivia. "I just wish the laws were different," she said quietly.

Olivia closed her eyes and swallowed. She felt exactly the same way. "I know. I hate them, too. But they are what they are and no matter how hard we fight, I don't see them changing any time soon." She held Alex's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "I want us to have our own wedding – one where we can get dressed up and be with our friends and I can stress out for months about trying to find the right words to tell you just how much I love you."

Alex felt her eyes tearing as she returned Olivia's gentle squeeze. "I want that, too," she said. Then she closed her eyes and shook her head. "I mean I want to get all dressed up and be with our friends and stress out for months about how to tell you I love you."

Olivia laughed. "I figured that was what you meant."

Alex leaned back in her chair and sighed. As she looked down at the ring of her finger, she smiled happily. It was the most beautiful ring she had ever seen. She looked up at Olivia and grinned. "I can't believe we're getting married!" she exclaimed.

Olivia grinned excitedly. "I know! We should probably start thinking about the when and where, huh?"

"I guess so. When do you want to have it?"

"I was about to ask you the same thing," Olivia responded, laughing. "How about you go first?"

Alex shrugged. She didn't want to be responsible for making the decisions for this. It was terrifying enough trying to keep herself believing that this was all really happening. If she had to take on the responsibility of this wedding, knowing that she could disappoint Olivia at any moment, she wasn't sure she could do it. "I don't know," she answered. "When do you want to have it?"

"Whenever's best for you I guess."

"Any time is good, Liv. I don't care."

Olivia smiled, detecting Alex's nervousness. "Okay. Any ideas as to where we should have it?"

Alex shook her head. "It really doesn't matter. Wherever you want to have it will be fine with me, I promise."

Olivia laughed. "Okay, well, we're not going to get anywhere this way. How about we put a bunch of dates and locations on pieces of paper, then pull them out of a hat or something?" she suggested playfully.

"I am not deciding my wedding day by pulling a piece of paper out of a hat!" Alex said, laughing nervously. Even as terrified as she was of planning the event, she was adamant about not having at least some planning and discussion about the day.

"Okay then, how do you propose we decide?"

"Careful, thorough, and thoughtful discussion. We should list the pros and cons of each possible day and place…that sort of thing. We need to make sure the date we choose goes well with the place we choose and vise versa."

Olivia shook her head and rolled her eyes. "You're too much, Cabot."

"Yeah, but that's why you love me."

Olivia laughed and kissed her lightly. "It's one of the many, many reasons." As she pulled away, she noticed the nerves in Alex's eyes. She took her hand and squeezed firmly. "Are you okay?"

Alex nodded but said nothing. She didn't trust herself enough to speak. She was terrified that the very act of opening her mouth would bring a rush of tears full of her insecurity about everything. So, while she knew it wasn't going to be convincing in the least, she tried to nod again in an attempt to signal to Olivia that she wasn't in the mood to talk about it at the moment.

Always knowing when something was bothering Alex, Olivia smiled warmly and nodded. She leaned her forehead against Alex's. "I'm right here, honey, whenever you need to talk, okay?" When she felt Alex nod slightly in return, she gathered the dinner dishes and headed to the kitchen, allowing Alex some time alone with her thoughts.

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Just as Jess was about to sit down to a romantic candlelit dinner with Allen, the phone rang. She flung her head back and rolled her eyes. "Why the hell do people always call at the absolute worst possible moments?" she yelled as she went to answer the incessant ringing. She resisted the urge to slap Allen as she saw him laughing at her. "Hello?" she said angrily.

"Do you know if Alex has had any luck finding a job?" Casey asked.

"Please tell me you didn't just interrupt my romantic dinner with my new husband just to ask me that," Jess said in a slightly annoyed tone.

"I didn't," Casey said firmly. "Have you heard anything?"

"Only that there aren't any SVU positions available in Queens, the Bronx, or any other area of this insanely large city. Why do you ask?"

Casey took a deep breath. "Homicide has two prosecutors."

Jess shook her head in confusion and annoyance, and wished that Casey could see her expression right now. "What?"

"Yep. So does Narcotics. So does Computer Crimes. Everybody has two prosecutors working for them. Here, it's just me; and quite frankly, I hate that I have to handle all of these cases on my own."

Jess raised her eyebrows in surprise and bit her lower lip eagerly, though she knew Casey couldn't see her reaction. "Casey," she said, trying to hide the excitement in her voice. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

Casey started speaking quickly, unable to hide her excitement. "I talked to Alex's bosses and everyone involved with this issue – which isn't an easy task, mind you. I'm a very lowly ADA. They don't exactly want to waste their time with me. They have much more important –"

"Casey!" Jess exclaimed.

"Okay, okay," Casey said, taking several deep breaths and trying to calm down. "I talked to them about how she had decided to quit in order to avoid the stress of the inquiry into her abilities and mental status. After I tried to present my case, they all smiled arrogantly at me, as if all my attempts were pathetic. At first I was scared, but then I saw how eagerly they were smiling, which of course only added to my nervousness, but I stayed put and awaited their decision."

"Casey, please!" Jess pleaded. She was eager to hear what Casey had to say, but Casey wasn't really saying anything at the moment and her dinner was getting cold.

"Sorry. Anyway, they assured me that, while they would have had to have processed the complaint against her and that it would have been stressful, she was never going to lose her job. They all seemed to really care about her and respect her, which made it a lot easier for me to ask a huge favor…"

When Casey's voice trailed off, Jess rolled her eyes. Now Casey was playing with her. Knowing that by now, her dinner was going to have to be reheated, and that she was tired of arguing, she decided to play along. She could tell Casey was really excited about something, which she hadn't seen in the woman since before Alex's trial. "What was that favor?" she asked eagerly.

"I asked if Manhattan SVU could possibly have one more prosecutor."

"And what did they say?"

Casey took another deep breath and tried not to get too overly excited. "They told me that if Alex is okay working with me and splitting the cases, then they'll let her do just that." She paused, waiting for Jess' reaction. When she received nothing, she spoke again. "Well, what do you think?"

Jess rolled her eyes and tried to pretend to be annoyed, though she couldn't keep the shocked and excited grin off her face. "I think you could have saved us both a lot of time and effort if you had just told me that last part. Now my dinner's cold and the mood completely ruined."

Casey saw right through Jess' pretended annoyance. "I wasn't sure how to even go about trying to do this, and I really didn't want her to know that I was doing it because she would have tried to convince me not to give up my job and stuff."

Jess was happy to see this happier, excited side of Casey. Ever since things had gone crazy in the courtroom, Casey had lost that spark that everyone loved about her. Despite the fact that everyone constantly reassured her that she was still loved and was not to be blamed for anything that happened, she hadn't quite forgiven herself for everything. "It's good to hear you this happy, Case."

"Do you think she'll want to do this?" Casey asked nervously. "I know how she likes to be independent and do everything by herself. Do you really think she'll want to split this job with me?"

"Actually, I really do," Jess answered truthfully. "I know she's mentioned that she's sick of the hours she had to keep as Bureau Chief. Plus, I know for a fact that she would absolutely love working with you." Jess paused, letting that last part really sink in. "She's going to be so happy that you've done this, Case!"

"I hope so," Casey said as she sighed nervously. "It's the least I could do after all the hell I put her through with the trial and –"

"Casey," Jess interrupted, a warning tone evident in her voice.

"Yeah?"

"What have I told you about blaming yourself for that?"

She paused. "You…you told me to stop," she muttered.

"Exactly."

"That doesn't mean it isn't hard."

Jess sighed sadly. "Is it getting any easier?" she asked gently.

"Yeah, every time one of you tells me to stop."

"Well then I'll say it again. Stop blaming yourself, Case. It wasn't your fault."

Casey closed her eyes and tried to allow Jess' words to sink in. "Thanks Jess."

"You're welcome. Now I would like to salvage something out of this evening with Allen, so I'm going to go. Just make sure you tell Alex as soon as you can. I know she's been desperate for a job and she's been feeling a little bummed lately."

"We're meeting for lunch tomorrow."

"Perfect. Good job, Case. I'll see you later."

"Bye, Jess, and thanks."

"You're welcome. Bye."

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"Casey," Steve said softly as they climbed into bed that evening. "Do you have any idea just how happy you're about to make Alex?" He wrapped an arm around her and kissed the top of her head. "She is going to be so excited."

"I hope so," Casey said softly as she snuggled against Steve. "I really want this for her. I know how much she wants this job and believe me if she would let me, I'd give my whole job to her."

Steve smiled and combed his fingers through her hair as he rubbed his nose against hers. "She knows that, too, but she'd never let you do it. She knows how much you love it."

"Yeah she does, which is what makes me so eager to try to help her."

As he wrapped both arms around her and allowed her to lay her head on his chest, Steve let out a happy sigh. He locked hands with her and kissed the top of her head. "I love you so much, do you know that?"

"Yeah, I know. I love you, too."

They drifted off into a peaceful sleep, happy to be in one another's arms. Steve felt relief wash over him as he saw his wife truly smiling for the first time in months. This was by far the best thing that could have happened for her. As he felt her body relaxing and allowing sleep to take over, he smiled. He felt like the luckiest man in the world to have her as his wife, and he had never been more sure of that feeling than at this very moment.

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"So what was so important that Casey had to interrupt a perfectly wonderful and romantic dinner?" Allen asked once they had reheated their plates and returned to the candlelit table.

Jess grinned eagerly. "She found Alex a job."

"Really? Where?"

"Where she used to work."

Allen furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "But that's her job."

"Yep."

"Jess, you're confusing the hell out of me."

She laughed and took a bite of pasta. "Yeah, I know, and it's a hell of a lot of fun watching you try to figure out what I'm telling you."

"What is it exactly that you're telling me?"

"That Alex is getting her old job back."

"Casey quit?"

Jess shook her head. "Nope."

"Then what the hell is going on?"

Jess took a deep breath. "They're going to be working together. Apparently everybody else has two prosecutors working for them and Casey convinced the powers that be to allow Manhattan SVU to have two as well."

"Wow. Alex and Casey prosecuting together?"

"Yep."

"Manhattan's not going to know what hit it."

Jess grinned. "Alex is going to be so happy."

"How does Casey feel about it?" he asked worriedly.

"It was her idea. She's going to talk to Alex about it tomorrow, and she's nervous as hell. She's kind of worried that Alex won't want to work with her because of what happened."

Allen shook his head sadly. "She's punishing herself too much."

"Yeah, she really is, but she's getting better. I think this was really good for her. She sounded a lot better today. I just hope everything works out."

Allen cleared the now empty dishes and put them in the dishwasher. "I'm sure they will. You know how much Alex loves Casey. They're going to work extremely well together."

"Yeah they are, and you're right."

"About what?"

"Manhattan's really not going to know what hit it."

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So…any thoughts on the first chapter?


	2. A New Job

Disclaimer: I own Steve, Allen, and Jess. Dick owns everyone else.

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She climbed into bed and waited for Olivia to finish in the bathroom. While they had showered together, she hadn't uttered a single word the entire time. She was relieved that Olivia hadn't pressured her to talk about anything, but she still felt bad. Olivia had simply held her in the shower and told her repeatedly that she was loved. She hated that she was so nervous about planning the wedding and actually getting married. It killed her to know that she would never be normal. She bit her lower lip and tried to fight the tears as she waited for Olivia to come to bed.

"Hey you," Olivia said softly as she climbed into bed and wrapped her arm around Alex. "What's going on, sweetie?" When Alex didn't respond, Olivia began combing her fingers through her hair. "Whatever it is that's bothering you, I promise you can talk to me. I love you."

Alex felt her eyes tearing and she sniffled in an attempt to keep from crying. She curled into a tight ball and tried to crawl as close to Olivia's embrace as possible. "I'm sorry," she whispered softly.

Olivia stopped combing her fingers through Alex's hair and turned Alex's face to her own. "What?" she asked, her voice full of concern. "Honey, you haven't done anything wrong. What are you apologizing for?"

"Today…everything," she said as she looked away in shame.

"Hey," Olivia said firmly. "Look at me." She pulled Alex onto her other side so they were facing each other. She smiled as she cupped Alex's face in her hands. "You don't have anything to apologize for. Talk to me, honey. What's bothering you?"

Alex opened her mouth as if to say something, then shut it again. She repeated this action three more times before giving up and allowing the tears to fall. As she felt Olivia wrap her arms around her, she was surprised at the amount of tears that were falling down her cheeks. She could feel her body literally shaking uncontrollably with her sobs and there was nothing she could do to stop it, no matter how hard she tried to fight it.

"Don't fight it, honey," Olivia said softly. She pulled Alex closer against her and gently rubbed her back. "Let it out, Alex. _Really_ let it out. It'll help you feel better, I promise. Just let out as much as you can." She felt Alex's head fall against her chest and she kissed the top of her head. "I love you. I love you so much."

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Nearly an hour passed before Alex was able to calm down. After the first several minutes of Olivia telling her to just let it out, she had reluctantly allowed herself to do just that, and was amazed at how much better she was now feeling. She half-smiled as she wiped away the final tears from her eyes. "Thanks," she said softly. "I think I needed that."

Olivia smiled and brushed the hair out of Alex's face. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Alex looked away. She desperately wanted to talk about what was bothering her, but at the same time, she was also terrified. She hated making herself feel vulnerable. "It's late," she said, shaking her head. "We can talk about it in the morning."

"Alex, I don't care what time it is. If you need to talk, talk. I'm right here, I promise." She gave Alex's hand a gentle squeeze. "I love you, and I'm here for you. I don't want you to go to bed upset. Please, honey, if you want to talk, do it."

"I…I just…" she tried to speak, but couldn't find the right words to express what she was feeling. She felt her teeth chattering she was so nervous, but she stopped when she felt Olivia squeeze her hand again. She took a deep breath. "Are you…are you sure you…want to get married?"

Olivia felt her own eyes tearing at the question. It killed her to see Alex this way, this unsure of herself. "I have never been more sure of anything else in my entire life. I love you, Alex. Why on earth would I ever not want to marry you?"

Alex closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "What if you…what if you get tired of all this?" she opened her eyes slowly and tried not to cry as she studied Olivia's loving expression.

"Oh, honey," Olivia said softly. "Never. You are so amazing, Alex. There is absolutely nothing in this world that would ever make me love you any less. It's just not possible."

"But these crying fits I go through and –"

"Do they help you feel any better?" Olivia interrupted. When Alex nodded slightly, she smiled and leaned her forehead into Alex's. "Then it's worth it." She paused and let Alex take in her words. "I love you, Alex, and I am absolutely, one hundred percent, without a doubt sure that I want to spend the rest of my life with you by my side. As for you feeling guilty that I'm always here when you need to cry or talk, stop. It only makes me love you even more because you're proving that you trust me with this." She gently traced Alex's cheekbone with her thumb and smiled. "I am so glad that you trust me enough to share your pain, honey. I am so happy that I'm able to be here for you. Please don't ever feel like I might get upset or angry for any of this, because I promise you that will never happen. I love you."

Those were the words Alex desperately needed to hear, but she was still terrified. Twice in the past she had let her guard down in the name of love, and each time she had been hurt. She wasn't sure if she could handle that again. As she tried to take deep breaths and convince herself that Olivia would never hurt her, she felt Olivia's hand resting gently on her cheek. She smiled sadly and looked down. "Do you think," she started softly. "I mean…do you think you could ever…I mean it's happened before…my scars and everything…would you ever…"

"I will never stop loving you," Olivia said firmly. "I will never, ever see you as anything other than the most beautiful woman I know. I love you, Alex." She once again traced Alex's cheekbone with her thumb and smiled reassuringly. I know you've been hurt before by those who were supposed to love you, but I promise that won't happen here. Trust me, sweetheart. I love you so much."

"I love you, too," she said, tears pouring down her cheeks. "Thank you. I know this can't be easy and I'm so sorry I keep questioning whether or not you love me and I promise I –"

"Hey," Olivia interrupted as she softly kissed her. "Stop apologizing for this. It's okay."

"Why are you so good to me?"

"Because I'm madly in love with you."

Alex smiled. "You know what?"

"What?"

"I'm madly in love with you, too."

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Jess pulled into Alex and Olivia's driveway the following day at ten-thirty on the dot. Olivia had called in sick that morning and Alex had been unable to stay home to do the same. Casey had refused to let her pull out of their lunch date, no matter how sick she claimed Olivia was. So, she had called Jess and told her to come with chicken soup.

"Thanks for coming over," Alex said as she answered the door. "Casey's apparently got something important she needs to discuss with me and won't let me take a rain check."

Jess smiled, knowing exactly why Casey wouldn't let her reschedule. She walked in and set her things down on the kitchen counter. She desperately wanted Alex to go to this lunch, but she didn't want to sound overly excited. "So what seems to be buggin Liv?"

"I think it might be the stomach flu. She was puking in the toilet earlier this morning. She sounds horrible." She paused hesitantly. "I really feel bad for just leaving like this. I mean, it's just a lunch date."

"Alex, go," Jess urged. "I'll take care of her until you get back, I promise."

Alex nodded and grabbed her purse. She really did want to go have lunch with Casey. It had been several days since the two had seen each other, and it was a beautiful day. She just hated leaving Olivia home sick. "Just, make sure she drinks enough water."

"Alex," she said as she put a hand on Alex's shoulder. "I got her. Go have lunch."

Jess waited until she was sure Alex had left the driveway before she ventured into the bedroom. She was surprised to see Olivia sitting up in bed reading a magazine. She didn't look even the least bit sick. She arched her eyebrows and smiled. "You're not really sick, are you?"

Olivia smiled and looked up. "I needed an excuse to get you over here for a little while."

"And you couldn't have just called once she left?"

"I wanted you to come over as soon as possible. There's something I need to talk to you about and I just wanted to spend as much time with you as I could. Plus, I think she wanted to see you, even if it was only for a few minutes."

"Is she okay?"

Olivia shook her head sadly. "I don't know. Last night was pretty rough," she sighed and put the magazine down on the nightstand. "I think she's just scared of us getting married. She's been hurt before and…"

Jess nodded understandingly and sat down at the foot of the bed. "She knows how much you love her. Just give her some time to figure it out. I'm sure it'll be okay."

Olivia nodded and tried to smile. "She's an amazing woman," she said as she felt her eyes tearing. "I just wish she could see the same person I see, because it kills me every time she tells me she's anything less than beautiful. She doesn't see how wonderful she is and it's so hard to try to be strong and convince her that I love her, because every time she puts herself down I want to cry."

"Why don't you cry then?"

"Because…I don't know, I just…I want to be strong for her."

"Liv?"

"What?"

"You have been strong for her. Maybe now you should let her see you cry with her," she smiled encouragingly and Olivia gave a slight nod. "You have been so strong for her, Liv, and trust me when I tell you how far she has come thanks to you. There are no words to explain how much you've helped her." She paused and waited for Olivia to take in what she was saying. She wanted to make sure the woman was really listening to her and understanding what she was saying. "Trust me when I say this, Liv. It feels great to be able to cry in someone's arms and know that they're not judging you, but sometimes, it feels even better when that person is crying with you. Next time you feel like crying with her, do it, Liv. It'll be good for both of you."

Olivia looked up and smiled gratefully. "Thanks for coming over. I wasn't sure how to help her anymore. Holding her and telling her I love her can only do so much. I just wish there was more that I could do."

Jess wrapped her arm around the older woman and smiled. "There's nothing more you can do, Liv. Just keep doing what you've been doing. I'll try to tell her I love her more often and I'll see if I can get Casey to do the same. The two of you…you're going to make it, Liv. You're meant for each other."

"I know we are. I just hope she sees it soon."

"She will. Just give her a little more time. She's come a long way in a short period of time."

Olivia took a deep breath and smiled happily. "Yeah, she really has."

"And she's just going to keep moving in this direction as long as she has us to help her." She looked up and met Olivia's eyes. "Is this why you needed me to come over today?"

"Yeah. Thanks, Jess."

Jess nodded and smiled playfully. "So, do you have any idea why Casey was so set on having Alex to lunch today?"

Olivia shook her head. "No, do you?"

"Yep, but I'll wait for Alex to tell you."

"Judging by the smile on your face, I'd say it's a good thing, right?"

"I'm not saying a word. I want Alex to be able to tell you herself."

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"Casey, don't get me wrong," Alex said as she took a seat in Casey's office and began eating her lunch. "I love spending time with you, but I left Jess at home with a very sick Olivia. Why did you need me to come to lunch so badly?"

Casey smiled and took a deep breath. "Have you had any luck finding a job?"

"No," Alex answered sadly. "Why do you ask?"

"I think I may have found you one, if you want it."

"Where?"

"Here," Casey smiled proudly.

"What?" Alex's eyes widened in horror as she put her fork down. "Oh, God, Casey, please tell me you didn't quit to give me your job."

"I didn't quit."

"Then what the hell are you talking about?"

Casey took a deep breath. "How would you feel about maybe…working together?"

"What do you mean?"

"Ever notice how everyone else in this entire city has two prosecutors working for them, and our unit only has one?"

Immediately understanding what Casey was implying, a huge grin appeared on Alex's face. "Casey, please tell me you're saying what I think you're saying."

"You and me…we can split the cases and everything. We can work together, if you want of course."

Alex smiled as Casey looked away. "Are you kidding?" She jumped up, ran around Casey's desk, and threw her arms around her. "Casey, thank you! You have absolutely no idea how much this means. Are you sure you're up for only working half the cases? I know you love your job."

"Alex," Casey said laughing. "I've been trying to find a way to lessen my caseload for nearly a year now. It's really been putting a strain on my marriage. I thought about this a while ago, but then with what happened in the courtroom, I was sure you would never want to work with me, but –"

"Casey," Alex said warningly.

"Let me finish. I talked to Jess and she convinced me that you would probably go for this, so that's why I felt so comfortable suggesting this. I just wanted to make sure you knew you would be working directly with me."

"Casey?"

"Yeah?"

"I would be honored to work with you. You're an amazing lawyer and a great friend. Thank you."

"We're really going to work well together, aren't we?"

Alex gave her a friendly squeeze and smiled. "You bet we are."

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As Olivia climbed into bed with Alex that night, she couldn't help but sense that something wonderful had happened. Alex was obviously feeling much better than she had the night before. "So, what happened that made you feel so much better?"

Alex smiled. "I should ask you the same thing. You were so sick when I left, yet here you are, looking as if nothing happened."

"I had a nice little talk with your niece and she said some things that really made sense. I'm feeling much better now. What about you? How did your lunch with Casey go?"

Alex smiled eagerly and bit her lower lip in excitement. "She found me a job."

"What? Really?"

"Yep."

"Where?"

"With her."

"How?"

Alex laughed. "She convinced the powers that be that, since every other division in this city has two prosecutors working for them, SVU should, too. They agreed. Now we're working together."

Olivia's eyes widened and she smiled. "Wow. Alex, that's great!"

"I know! I'm so excited!"

"Honey this is wonderful! Manhattan's really in for it now."

"I can't believe she did this for me! She's practically giving up half her job just for me!"

Olivia smiled and pulled Alex close against her. "I can. She loves you, Al. I'm pretty sure that woman would stop at nothing to make sure you were happy. I'd do the same, too. Besides, I don't think she sees it as giving up half her job. I think she sees it as jumping at the opportunity to really help a friend. The two of you are going to make a great team."

Alex smiled. "Just like the two of us."

"Yeah. Just like the two of us."


	3. Sleep Well

Disclaimer: I own Steve, Allen, and Jess. Dick owns everyone else.

So sorry for the delay in posting. I've had a serious case of writer's block and nothing I did seemed to help. I got very, very little sleep last night and suddenly I've got an idea for this chapter. Now if only I could pull off another night like last one…of course, I work 7 hours a day in child care, so that won't work. I'll have to think of something else.

Sexual innuendo in the early parts of this chapter? Sheesh…what is my writing coming to?

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As Alex opened her eyes, she smiled happily. Her head was resting on Olivia's chest, and Olivia's arm was wrapped snugly around her. Her own arms were gently wrapped around Olivia, and she wondered how they had managed to stay in this position the entire night. She slowly slipped out of Olivia's grasp and headed into the bathroom for a quick shower. With the warm water splashing on her face and body, she closed her eyes and allowed the steam to fill the room. _She loves me, _she thought as she began rubbing the shampoo through her hair. It was the truth and she knew it. There was no other way to explain everything Olivia had done for her in the last several months. She smiled as she rinsed the shampoo out of her hair, turned off the water, and shook the excess water from her body. As she stepped out of the shower, she realized she'd left her towel in the bedroom. She rolled her eyes and tried to ring out as much water from her hair as she could before opening the door and stepping into the bedroom.

Olivia was still sleeping peacefully, in the same position as when Alex had left. _She really does love me,_ Alex thought to herself. It was in that moment, as she looked at her lover sleeping, that she realized how good her life was, and how much she was truly loved. She bit her lower lip mischievously, then smiled eagerly as she ran and pounced onto the bed. She laughed as Olivia bolted upright in surprise. "'Morning, gorgeous," she said, laughing. "Sleep well?"

Having a naked and soaking wet Alex jump onto her at seven-thirty in the morning wasn't at all how Olivia had expected to wake up that morning, but she wasn't about to start complaining. She pretended to shake the water out of her face as she spoke softly. "And a very wet good morning to you, too. What on earth are you doing soaking wet and jumping into bed?"

"I forgot my towel," Alex said.

"And you thought you'd find it in this bed?"

Alex shrugged. "Maybe. Of course, maybe I'd find something much better than my forgotten towel." She rolled her eyes playfully and raised her eyebrows. "I don't see it anywhere, and quite frankly, it's getting rather cold out here on top of all these warm covers."

Not being one to miss a beat, Olivia smiled. "Well," she said, elongating the word for several seconds. "I've got an idea for how you can warm up pretty quickly."

"Oh yeah? How's that?"

"These covers are pretty warm. I bet that if you crawled under them, you'd warm up pretty quickly…seeing as how I've already gotten them warm and all."

Alex nodded and began to pull the covers back. "I've got an idea how I can warm up even faster."

"How?"

"You lose your clothes, too. Direct skin-to-skin contact is supposed to be the best way warm up when a person is cold. Something about body heat and all that…or something." She shook her head, realizing she was getting off the subject. "Anyways, lose your clothes, Liv. I'm freezing."

Olivia laughed and slowly began undressing. She wanted to make the most of this moment, and didn't want to rush anything. She raised her eyebrows as she felt Alex helping her.

"Dammit woman," Alex exclaimed as she quickly threw off Olivia's shirt. "Move faster. Your girlfriend's not going to be cold forever!" She laughed at Olivia's startled expression. "Well, I'm not going to be wet much longer, and then my body temperature's going to start rising pretty quickly. It's a scientific fact, you know."

"Alex?"

"What?"

"Get under these covers so I can warm you up."

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"Do you have any idea how amazingly hot you are when you're soaking wet?" Olivia asked several hours later as they sat at the table eating breakfast. She took a bite of her cereal and smiled when Alex blushed. "I mean it," she said eagerly. "You're hot."

Alex slowly pulled her spoon out of her mouth and smiled. "You know what would be really hot?"

"What?"

"You soaking wet next to me."

Olivia looked up, bit her lower lip, and took a deep breath. "I think we already accomplished that one."

Alex's jaw dropped open and she sat her spoon down on the table. "Olivia Benson!" she exclaimed. "I don't think that's appropriate breakfast table conversation!"

It took Olivia a minute to register what Alex had just said, and when she did, she dropped her spoon and started laughing hysterically. "That's _not_ what I meant by that remark. I meant –"

"I know what you meant," Alex said. "I just wanted to see if I could make you squirm."

"You're sneaky."

"I'm a lawyer."

Olivia laughed and shook her head. "God I love you," she said after several seconds. "What's gotten into you today? You seem…happier, more, I don't know, more confident, I guess. I like it."

Alex smiled confidently. "I like it, too." She shook her head and shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. I was standing in the shower, letting the water fall onto my face, and I just finally convinced myself that this was all real. Then I realized I'd forgotten my towel and when I walked into the bedroom and saw you sleeping there, I guess it all just hit me. I…I wanted to make love to you right then and there."

"Well, I'm proud of you," Olivia said as she cupped Alex's face in her hand. "You were absolutely amazing this morning, by the way. Absolutely amazing," she said, then paused for a second and smiled. "I love you so much, do you know that?"

"I know you do. I love you, too."

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"I think I officially hate New York," Casey said as she shoved her hair behind her ears and stared at the pile of papers in front of her. "This is absolutely ridiculous!"

Alex looked up from her desk and smiled. It was their first official day of work together and she was more excited than she had been when she'd found out she was going to be Bureau Chief. Sure it had been a bit of a squeeze to fit both their desks into the one room, but they would manage. " I don't think you hate the city itself," Alex said. "You just hate the assholes and perverts who live in it."

Casey laughed. "Yeah, and this city seems to attract all kinds of scum. How the hell did we manage to get three new cases today? I got four last week! This is insane."

"Well just be glad that it's the two of us prosecuting and not some inexperienced rookie or something. We both know what we're doing, and now we're a team." She smiled and walked over to Casey's desk. "We're certainly going to have one hell of a conviction rate," she said as she picked up the first file.

"We sure are," Casey said excitedly. "What's the file say?"

Alex skimmed the pages and sat down on the chair in front of Casey's desk as she shook her head. "Not a whole lot," she said sadly. "A woman was drugged and believes she was raped. Looks like she gave Liv and Elliot a pretty vague description of what happened. There's not a whole lot here."

"Do we have a case?"

Alex shrugged. "I don't know. From what we have here, the hospital says she was definitely drugged, though they can't say conclusively that she was raped."

"So all they can say is that she's had sex in the past forty-eight hours and that she has some kind of drug in her system," Casey finished.

"Exactly."

"Who does she think did it?"

Alex took a few more moments to skim through the details before shaking her head. "She was at a frat party. She has no idea. All she can remember is flirting with a guy named Mark or Mike or Matt or something like that, and then everything's blank. The next thing she remembers is waking up on the couch of her apartment with a really bad hangover."

"How'd she get back to her couch?"

"Apparently her roommate helped her home," Alex answered.

"Did the roommate give any other information?"

"None," Alex said blandly. "She says she only went to the party to pick up her roommate because she was worried about her. She says she found her passed out in a corner and she threw up as soon as she was moved."

Casey grimaced. This wasn't going to be an easy case…if there even was a case. They were going to have to go over all the notes in detail and see if they had anything. They would, of course, talk to all the detectives later on and see if there were any suspects, but until something that could be helpful came up, they couldn't do anything with it for the time being. "I hate cases like this."

Alex nodded. "Yeah, me, too. Hopefully she'll remember something or Liv or Elliot will find someone who went to the party and saw something." Her eyes returned to the file and she bit her lower lip. "Liv and Elliot are going to try to talk to her again this afternoon and we're supposed to be there to see whether or not we have a case. They haven't spoken to her since she was admitted to the hospital so hopefully she'll remember more now."

"Nobody's going to want to talk to them. They're all college students," Casey said defeatedly. "They're not going to want to admit to drinking at a frat party, let alone talk to the cops. They'll be afraid of getting their parents involved."

Alex smiled encouragingly. "Don't give up, Case," she said as she sat the file down and picked up the next one. "Not every case is a slam dunk. We'll do our best and hopefully we'll win."

"And if we don't?"

"Then I'll take you out to the bar so you can get trashed."

"And if we do win?"

"Then you're taking me out to the bar so I can get trashed."

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"Allen, are you sure you copied this down correctly?" Jess asked as she sat at her computer desk, staring at her notes. She flipped through the pages, hoping to find where he had made a mistake.

"I'm positive," he answered. He stood up from the couch and walked over to look at the notes. After skimming them for several seconds, he smiled. "Yep. That's what they want. Parents said those are the kid's favorite colors."

Jess spun around in her chair and shook her head. "Did you explain to them that a light orange font on a bright yellow background is going to look absolutely hideous? Not to mention the fact that it's barely going to be legible!"

He put his hands on her shoulders and gave her a reassuring squeeze. "Honey, that's what they said."

"Then they're complete idiots!"

He laughed. It wasn't that unusual to see her get worked up over a ridiculous assignment, and this was proving to be no exception. "They're paying you three hundred dollars to make twelve invitations to their son's seventh birthday party. Of course they're complete idiots, but they're rich idiots."

She gritted her teeth as she turned back around to face her computer and got to work. She hated making things that had horrible color schemes or poor graphics or something. It always felt like a waste of time. Still though, this was what paid the bills, so she wasn't going to stop. She opened a new document and started working, cringing at the bright yellow background.

While Jess worked on the actual invitations, Allen began organizing his paperwork. He had to make separate files for each project, and within those files, he had to organize the paperwork according to what it was. The forms the clients filled out – descriptions of what they wanted – went first, followed by the bills, and finally any additional information that was needed. It had been a while since he had organized his filing cabinet, so there was a lot of work to be done. He hoped to have enough time to also sort through old clients that he was sure wouldn't request them again. That way he could get rid of them and provide room for future clients.

"Who the hell lets their six-year-old son pick out the color scheme?" Jess asked, annoyed. She was staring angrily at her computer screen and trying to make out the words she had just typed. "I swear I'm going to go blind doing this assignment."

Allen laughed. "Take a break, honey," he said and looked at his watch. "It's almost noon and your husband over here is starving. Be a dear and fix him something to eat, won't ya?"

She flung her pillow at him, hitting him square in the side of the head. "Allen David Handley, I am not your personal servant! If you're hungry, fix yourself something to eat! I'm busy."

He flung the pillow back at her and smiled. "Just figured I'd give you something to distract you from that ugly yellow and orange thing you've got going on over there on your computer screen."

She dropped her mouth defensively and stood up with her hands on her hips. "It just so happens that I have no control over the aesthetics of this particular project," she said as she playfully followed him into the kitchen. She pulled the bread out of the cabinet and pulled out four slices, handing him two and taking two for herself. She was glad to have a break from her project, even though she'd barely been working on it for two hours. Sometimes, especially on projects like this one, it was nice to have a break every two hours or so. It gave her eyes some time to rest.

"Well you'll be happy to know that for the next project, you're allowed to pick out your own colors," Steve told her once they were sitting down at the table. "All they ask is that their logo stay the same shade of green."

"Thank God," she said, taking a bite of her turkey sandwich. "I honestly have no problem with the people who want to use their own colors. It's when they're complete idiots that I have a problem. They're the ones that are killing my eyesight."

"Don't worry," he said, finishing the last bite of his sandwich. "This one, ugly as it may be, is pretty easy. I'll cook you some nice frozen pizza when we've finished. It'll be a wonderful dinner."

She rolled her eyes and took her dishes to the sink. "Oh, goody. I can't wait for week-old frozen pizza." She turned around and winked at him before returning to her desk to try to at least make the invitations legible. After a lot of consideration, she decided to put a white outline around the orange letters. It wasn't exactly what she was going for, but it was easier to read than if it was just the plain orange letters. She sighed as she saved it to her zip file. She would take it to the print shop tomorrow and get all the invitations and envelopes printed out. "I just hope this kids' friends' parents can read the damn things. Otherwise the poor kid's going to have one hell of a horrible seventh birthday party."

"Well it'll be his own damn fault for picking such ugly colors," Allen said, placing a hand on her shoulder and spinning her around. "Those look absolutely hideous, Jess."

"Gee, thanks."

"I'm just joking. They look…" he drifted off, not sure of exactly how to describe what he was looking at on the computer screen. "They look about as good as orange font on a yellow background can look." He kissed her forehead and pulled her out of the chair. "Good job, honey."

"Thanks," she said, then heard her stomach growl. "Now about that frozen pizza…"

"It's already in the oven."

"Good. I'm starving."

"Good. Dinner's cooking."

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"How was your first day working with Casey?" Olivia asked that night. They were lying in bed with their arms around each other, snuggled as close as possible.

"Good. We got all your cases. None of them look like easy wins, but I'm sure we'll get at least one good outcome from the three." She traced Olivia's hand with her thumb and smiled. "It was a really good day."

"Well I'm glad to hear it. I knew the two of you would work well together."

"Oh we're going to have one hell of a surprise for Manhattan," she laughed and kissed Olivia's hand lightly. "How was your day? I guess it was busy from the files Casey and I received."

Olivia nodded and sighed. "Yeah, it was busy, unfortunately. Granted, I get bored when it's slow, but at least that means the people in this city are safe. The busier the day, the more depressed I get about the evil in this world."

"All the more reason to be proud of what you do."

"You're right."

"Of course I'm right."

Olivia playfully pushed Alex and smiled. She felt Alex slowly begin to relax against her and prayed that they fell asleep in the same position as the night before. It had been one of the best night's sleep she could remember having, and she wanted it again. She wrapped her arms gently around Alex and pulled her close. "I love you," she whispered as Alex's eyes began to close.

"I love you, too," Alex whispered, barely awake. "Sleep well."

"You, too," Olivia answered softly. Then it hit her. _She's gone thirteen straight nights without a nightmare,_ she thought proudly. She gently took Alex's hand and squeezed. She wondered if Alex was aware of this accomplishment. This was by far the longest she'd gone without having one. Her previous record was four nights, and it had been a few weeks since she'd even gone that long. Now she was up to thirteen nights. "You, too, sweetie," Olivia said again, and closed her eyes happily.


	4. Nightmares

Disclaimer: I own Steve, Allen, and Jess. Dick owns everyone else.

Bring on the angst…

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"_You're a whore," she heard someone whisper. "You're an ugly, worthless whore," she heard again. The voice sounded distant, yet she was sure she could feel somebody standing directly above her. When she opened her eyes, all she saw was darkness, yet she could feel nothing covering her eyes. She tried to move, but quickly realized she couldn't; yet she could feel nothing holding her down. It was as if she was paralyzed. She tried to scream but no sound came out._

"_I'm going to make you ugly," the voice said, then laughed. "Actually, you're already ugly. I'm going to make you uglier." He laughed – a deep, evil laugh, and smacked his lips several times._

_Fear surged through her entire body as she felt hands – dozens of hands – rubbing along her entire body. Suddenly, she was able to move, but no matter how hard she tried to thrash about, the hands held her down. She started screaming, and was surprised to find that her voice worked. She screamed and screamed, but no matter what she did, the hands never left her body. She couldn't explain it, but she somehow knew that all the hands belonged to the same, evil person who was standing above her. She screamed as she felt the fingers entering every part of her body, and struggled in vain as the pain consumed her._

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"Alex," Olivia said urgently as she felt Alex thrashing against her. "Honey, wake up." She gently placed her arms on Alex's shoulders, trying her best not to worsen panic that was taking over Alex's body. She gently cupped Alex's face in her hands and spoke softly, yet firmly. "Alex honey, wake up. Please, sweetie, wake up."

No matter how hard she tried, Olivia couldn't wake Alex from her nightmare. This was the worst one she'd had in a while, and Olivia wondered if it was because she'd gone so long without one. She carefully picked Alex up and carried her to the bathroom, trying to be careful to avoid Alex's thrashing arms. She quickly turned on the shower and gently placed Alex in the tub, allowing the cold water to splash her face.

"AHHH!" Alex screamed as she threw Olivia's arms off her. "NO! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Noooooo! Get off me! Get off me!" she continued to scream in panic and shake violently against Olivia's grasp.

Olivia kept a firm grip on Alex's shoulder, mostly because the woman was shaking so violently that she wanted to make sure she didn't hit her head on the side of the tub. "Alex, honey, it's me. It's Liv," she said reassuringly. "You're safe, sweetie. You're at home."

Alex was panicking so much she could barely breathe. "His-his-his hands. They-they were all-all-all-all o-o-o-over me," she forced out once she realized where she was. "I-I-I-I-I-I-I c-c-c-couldn't…I couldn't…he was – he was – he was all over me! He –"

"Shh," Olivia said softly as she rubbed Alex's back. "Breathe, honey. Breathe with me. One, two, three, and in. Hold it. One, two, three, and out." She instructed Alex to breathe while she breathed with her. It took several minutes, but Alex finally calmed down enough that Olivia felt comfortable letting go of her. "Okay?" Olivia asked worriedly.

Alex nodded slightly as she brought her knees up to her chest and began rocking back and forth. She was vaguely aware of Olivia turning off the water and helping her out of the tub. She didn't even realize how wet she was until she slipped on the tile floor, only to have Olivia catch her and tighten her grip. She felt Olivia gently ease her onto the bed, then heard her go over to the dresser and pull out a dry set of clothes.

"Here, sweetie," Olivia said gently as she helped Alex out of her wet clothes. She slowly helped her put on her dry pajamas, then tossed the wet ones into the bathroom. She slowly sat down on the bed next to Alex and wrapped her arm around her as Alex's head fell onto her shoulder.

"I'm sorry," Alex said hesitantly.

Olivia stopped rubbing Alex's back and tilted her head so she met her eyes. "Don't be, honey. It's okay. Don't be sorry. You had a nightmare, it happens. It's okay."

"I almost made it."

"You almost made what?"

"Two weeks," Alex said in defeat. "I almost made it two weeks without having a nightmare. I'm so sorry. I tried. I really tried to make it this long, I swear I did!" she exclaimed and collapsed into sobs.

Olivia swallowed and clenched her jaw in an attempt to keep from crying. She wrapped her other arm around Alex and held her tighter as she began rocking back and forth. "I know you did," she said encouragingly, still trying to fight the tears. "I know you tried, and you've been doing such an amazing job. I am so proud of you."

"I wanted to make it through tonight. I really wanted to make it two weeks."

"You will. I know you will," she said. She didn't realize how hard she was fighting the tears until she felt her teeth chattering_. Sometimes, it feels even better when that person is crying with you,_ she remembered Jess saying. She kissed the top of Alex's head, brushed the hair out of her face, and finally let her own tears fall. She blinked several times and smiled as Alex turned her head to face her. "You're so strong, so beautiful. You'll make it two weeks, I know it."

"You're crying," Alex whispered as she brought a hand to Olivia's face.

Olivia nodded. "Yeah, sorry," she said as she went to wipe her tears away, but felt Alex stop her.

"Cry," Alex told her. "You're allowed to cry, too."

Olivia forced a smile and nodded. "Come here," she whispered as she stood and led Alex into the new addition. She pressed play on the CD player and allowed to song to play softly as they laid down on the pillows and beanbags on the floor and held each other as close as possible. They cried until their eyes were dry, and Alex felt relief wash over her as Olivia finally allowed herself to cry with her. She had sensed for a while that Olivia's eyes frequently filled with tears whenever she cried, though she'd never let any of them fall. Now, however, it felt so much better to actually cry with her, instead of cry into her. It was comforting to hear Olivia singing through her tears as the song continued to play throughout the night.

_You will always be beautiful in my eyes  
And the passing is the show  
That you will always grow  
Ever more beautiful in my eyes…_

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As Casey began to make her way to the elevators that morning, she stopped herself just before pressing the up button. She thought for a minute, then nodded. "Coffee," she said to herself. "How the hell did I forget the coffee?" She spun around and made her way down to the cafeteria. She bought two large coffees, one for herself and one for Alex, then headed up to the office.

"A _large_ coffee?" Alex asked and smiled as Casey placed the cup on the desk in front of her. "What on earth did I do to deserve a large?" She picked it up and took a sip, smiling as the warm liquid slid down her throat. "Cafeteria coffee usually sucks, but right now, anything tastes good. Thank you."

Though she couldn't explain it, Casey could tell something wasn't quite right. Alex, while she was usually grateful for a cup of coffee, was never this happy to have a cup from the cafeteria placed in front of her. She took a sip from her own cup and grimaced. It tasted like someone hadn't changed the filter between pots. "Okay, this stuff tastes like shit," she said. "Are you okay? You seem to be enjoying this way too much."

Alex sat her cup down and frowned. "It was a rough night, but yeah, I'm okay." She looked up and smiled. "Thanks for the coffee. I really needed it."

Casey decided not to press the issue any further and instead returned a smile. "You're welcome. If you need any more, we'll get more, but we're going someplace other than the cafeteria. I'm going to want a _real_ cup of coffee by then."

Alex laughed and took another sip, then grimaced and shook her head. "You're right. This does suck more than usual. I just didn't realize it at first because I was craving it so much." She shook her head and put it back down on the desk. "We should probably get to work. No new cases came in today, right?"

"None. All we have to do today really is go over the frat party rape case. One of the ones we got yesterday is going to be dropped because there's absolutely no evidence or anything. Looks like the other one's going to be a plea. Guy was caught on camera hitting the woman twenty minutes before her time of death."

Alex opened her mouth to say something, then shut it and shook her head as she looked at Casey in confusion. "What are we giving him…and in exchange for what?"

Casey took a deep breath. "I wanted to give him life without parole, but he has information that's supposedly going to lead to the arrest of several drug dealers and suspected rapists, so I think we should give him twenty to twenty-five."

Alex hesitated for several seconds, took a sip of coffee, then nodded. "You're right," she said, though she was obviously not happy about it. "I hate making deals with these people, but it's better to do it this way than to have more of them running free."

"Me, too."

"When are we meeting with his lawyer?"

"Today at noon. She called me last night." Casey hesitated. "Are you upset that I agreed to plea him out? I probably should have talked to you first. We're working together now, I'm sorry. I didn't think –"

"Chill, Casey," Alex said, holding her hand up to stop her from talking any more. "It's okay. I would have made the same deal. Don't worry about it."

"Okay." She walked to her desk and sat down. As she shuffled through the file on the frat party rape, she sighed. It didn't look like they were going to get anywhere with this case, but it was the only one they had right now that they could even possibly win. "Olivia and Elliot are questioning the girl again today at three. At least one of us should be there."

Alex nodded. "We could both go."

"We could."

"We don't have any new cases or any paperwork that needs our immediate attention."

"We don't."

"We should both go."

"We should."

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"Okay, Lindsay," Olivia said as she sat down at the table in the interrogation room. "I need you to tell me exactly what happened last week. I know it's difficult, but I really need you to try to remember as much as you can."

The nineteen-year-old nodded and placed her hands in her lap. She looked up at the window and hesitated, knowing the number of people that were standing on the other side.

"Hey, it's just me in here, honey," Olivia answered. After a lot of discussion and planning, she and Elliot had decided to try it with just her in there. If it didn't work, he'd join them later. "Just talk to me, okay?"

"Okay," she answered softly. She took several deep breaths and tried to remember what had happened, though the details were fuzzy. "I, um, I remember hearing about this party from some girls in my English class, so I tagged along. I didn't really want to go, but I did," she paused, trying to gather her thoughts. "I remember picking up a cup and filling it with beer from the keg. Then we started playing a bunch of drinking games. I know I set my cup down on the ping-pong table but I didn't leave it for that long. I swear I didn't!" She said as she started crying.

Olivia placed her hand on the girl's shoulder and smiled encouragingly. "You're doing great, honey. What else do you remember? Were there any guys who were paying extra attention to you or anything?"

"I…um, there was one guy in the corner who kept cheering me on whenever I made someone else drink. He, um, he kept screaming at me that I was hot. I remember he came over to the table and tried to put his arm around me and I pushed him away. He tried a few more times before giving up."

Olivia nodded proudly. "Good, that's good Lindsay. Do you remember what he looked like or anything else that might help us find him?"

"I…I don't know."

"Think really hard, honey. Anything you can tell me would be helpful. Anything you can remember at all, even if it's something little."

She hesitated for several seconds, then looked up and nodded, "It was Jason Roberts," she said.

"You know him?"

She nodded. "It was his party. He owns the frat house." She looked up at Olivia with fear in her eyes. "Oh, God, it was him! The last time I pushed him away he told me I was going to regret it! I didn't think anything of it at the time because there were so many people around but he definitely bumped my cup a few times! Oh, God, he raped me!"

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"Bring him in," Casey told Cragen. They had been standing on the other side of the glass for the entire interview. "She named him. We can't arrest him yet, but we can bring him in for questioning. Do it."

He nodded and motioned for Elliot to go pick him up. "Take Munch or Fin with you. I think Liv's going to stay with Lindsay to see if she can get her to calm down a little," he said as he looked back into the room. The girl was sobbing Olivia's arms, and Olivia was gently rubbing her back. He turned back to Elliot. "Go get this guy."

Elliot turned and left to go find Munch. He was sitting at his desk, waiting for his next assignment and looking bored as hell. "Need something to do, Munch?"

"Like what?"

"We need to go pick up a guy. He threw a party and a girl got raped. She's saying he did it."

Munch shrugged and stood up. "Sure. Let's go."

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To everyone's surprise, Jason Roberts agreed to come to the station without much of a fight. He claimed that he thought everyone at the party was of legal drinking age when Elliot and Munch arrived at his house. He even invited them inside and offered them a drink. They said they weren't thirsty and took a seat in the living room. He sat down across from them and asked what he could do to help.

_He's being way too helpful,_ Munch thought. "You're telling me that you thought every person at your party was over twenty-one?"

Jason nodded. "I swear that's what I thought! I don't really card everyone though, and a lot of people showed up who weren't invited. I didn't know there were going to be that many people there!"

Elliot and Munch exchanged quick glances at each other before Elliot responded. "You are aware that serving alcohol to people under twenty-one is against the law, correct?"

"Obviously, but I didn't know they were under age!"

"See, I would love to believe you, but I've talked to the Admissions Office here and they said that you've been written up twice in the last year for your parties. You've never been officially charged with anything, but your parties have been busted by the cops. I have a hard time believing you thought everyone was the right age."

"It's the truth!" Jason insisted. "I swear it is!"

"Yeah, whatever," Munch mumbled. "Let's just get to the station so we can ask you a few questions. How does that sound?"

He nodded in eager agreement. "Yeah, that's fine. I want to help."

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It only took Elliot and Munch half an hour to get Jason to confess that he knew there were underage students at his party. They presented him with statements from other students who had been at the party, as well as the information from his previous encounters with the police. He reluctantly admitted that he had known the younger students were drinking and had done nothing to stop it. This still wasn't enough to get a search warrant, and Elliot and Munch were about to give up when Jason suddenly became angry at the mentioning of Lindsay's name.

"That _bitch_!" he exclaimed. "She had the nerve to come to my party and play games at my ping pong table, yet refused to do anything with me! I was nothing but nice to her and she kept refusing me!"

"Nothing but nice?" Munch asked. "According to her, you kept trying to sneak your hand into her skirt and she pushed you away. Trying to put your hand down a girl's skirt after she's said no isn't exactly being nice."

Jason shook his head and laughed. "She was just playing hard to get. I knew she'd eventually come around. I left her there and, as luck would have it, she did turn around."

Elliot's eyes widened in surprise. He hadn't expected that comment. "Did you sleep with Lindsay?"

"Uh, yeah, she wanted to." He looked up, then dropped his jaw in surprise. "Did that bitch say I raped her? Is that why I'm here?" He stood up and pounded his fists against the table. "I did _not_ rape that girl! She wanted to have sex! She never once said no!"

Elliot stood up and got in Jason's face. "Sit down!" he yelled. "She didn't say no because she was drugged! She couldn't say no!" Elliot's anger was rising as he stood over Jason, who was now sitting back in the chair and had fear in his eyes for the first time. "You drugged her so you could have an excuse for raping her!"

"NO!"

"YES! You drugged her so she couldn't say no! That way you could say to yourself that since she didn't refuse you, you didn't rape her. Well let me tell you something, Jason. Drugging a girl and then having sex with her while she's incapacitated _is_ still rape!"

Jason shook his head. "I didn't force her to do anything, and I sure as hell never drugged her! Check my place. I've got nothing to hide. I swear to you I only slept with her, and it wasn't forced."

Munch rolled his eyes and followed Elliot out of the room. "Do we have enough for a warrant?" He asked Casey once the door was shut behind him.

Casey nodded. "Given his previous record, and the fact that he just admitted to sleeping with her, you'll get your warrant." She looked at the guy in the room and shook her head. "It's rich college kids like this who think they can get away with anything," she said as she turned to look at the two detectives again. "I'll get you your warrant. You search that damn house until you find something."

"Was there enough DNA from the rape kit to make a positive match?" Alex asked.

Munch nodded. "Yeah there was. We can test it against him, but even if it matches, his lawyer's just going to claim that the two had sex. We're going to want to find something in that apartment as well."

"Then get started. We can't hold him here much longer and I'm sure he's going to ask for a lawyer if we interrogate him any longer."

"As you wish, Councilor."

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"That was a good job getting that warrant today," Olivia told Alex that night. "You and Casey worked quickly on that one."

"Yeah," Alex said smiling. "That kid really pissed me off. As soon as Elliot and Munch were finished talking to him, Casey and I went straight to the judge and got a search warrant for his house, as well as a warrant for his DNA. It was great."

"Well you two did great."

"It was all Elliot and Munch, Liv," Alex said. "They're the ones who got him to open his big dumb mouth. They're the ones that found the drugs stuffed behind a sofa cushion. I just hope the fingerprints they found on the bottle match Jason's. Casey and I would have one hell of an easy case."

Olivia laughed and pulled Alex against her as they laid down in bed. She immediately felt Alex tense up and start taking deep breaths. She loosened her grip slightly and brushed the hair out of Alex's face. "Are you okay, Al?"

Alex nodded weakly. Fear had suddenly gripped her and she couldn't get rid of it. "I, um…I uh, last night…last night was really bad," she forced out. She swallowed hard and took several deep breaths. "The nightmare felt so real, Liv. It felt so real."

"I know, sweetie," Olivia said, allowing Alex to rest her head on her shoulder. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

Olivia nodded. "Okay. If you do, let me know, okay?"

"I will."

Several minutes passed and Olivia hated that Alex was still way too tense to fall asleep. She tried combing her fingers through her hair and rubbing her back, but nothing seemed to work. Alex was terrified of falling back asleep. "Honey, what can I do?"

"I don't know," Alex said, her voice full of pain and fear.

"Come here," Olivia whispered, and eased Alex's head onto her chest. She kissed the top of her head and wrapped her arms around her. When she felt Alex wrap her arms around her as well, she smiled. She once again began rubbing Alex's back and combing her fingers through her hair. She felt Alex very slowly and hesitantly begin to relax against her. She began to sing again, remembering that it had worked the night before when she had finally been successful in calming Alex down after her nightmare.

_You're my piece of mind, in this crazy world  
You're every thing I've tried to find  
Your love is a pearl  
You're my Mona Lisa  
You're my rainbow skies  
And my only prayer is that you realize  
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes..._


	5. It's Just Duct Tape

Disclaimer: I own Steve, Allen, and Jess. Dick owns everyone else.

This sleep depravation I've been experiencing in the last few days really seems to be helping my writing of this story. Now if it could only help my in my motivation to get my financial aid figured out, we'd be in business…

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The first thing she was aware of when she woke up, even before she opened her eyes, was Olivia's fingers gently combing her hair. She smiled slightly as she opened her eyes and took a deep breath. She blinked in the brightness of sunlit room and stretched her legs. She tightened her grip around Olivia's waist and snuggled her head into the crook of her neck.

"Morning, gorgeous," Olivia said softly.

Alex yawned and tilted her head up so she could see Olivia. "Good morning."

"How'd you sleep?"

"Wonderfully," she answered happily and moved so their foreheads were touching slightly. "You're an amazing woman, Liv. Thank you so much for being you." She held Olivia's hand and smiled. "I love you."

"I love you, too," Olivia answered and kissed the bridge of Alex's nose. "What time do you have to be at work today?"

Alex sighed and smiled. "You're going to hate me."

"Why?"

She took a deep breath and grinned excitedly. "Casey and I are all caught up on our paperwork and we have no new cases. Right now, we're literally just waiting around for either something to happen with one or for a new one to happen. For the time being, we don't really have anything to do, so we're taking the next three days off…unless something happens, of course."

Olivia shook her head and rolled her eyes. "The weekend's in three days. You're seriously telling me that you have the next five days to do absolutely nothing but sit around the house?"

"Uh, something like that, yeah, but I think I'll do more than just sit around here and do nothing."

"Yeah? Like what?"

"Well, I'm going to Jess' for lunch today. She said something about Allen being a really good cook and his new favorite dish to cook is fettuccini alfredo, so I wasn't about to pass up that offer."

Olivia laughed. "You and your fettuccini."

"It's my weakness. I swear it's going to be the death of me," she said, and smiled as she traced her fingers around Olivia's bellybutton. She bit her lower lip playfully as she felt Olivia's body tense. "What time do you have to be in?"

The feeling of Alex's soft fingers on her abdomen caused Olivia to inhale deeply in pleasure. She closed her eyes and smiled. "Don't stop," she whispered when she felt Alex remove her hand.

"Ah, but Detective, you have to get ready for work," Alex said.

"No," Olivia protested.

"Yes," Alex confirmed. She pulled Olivia up into a sitting position. She winked, smiled, and walked towards the bathroom, hoping Olivia would follow. When she heard the detective slowly climb out of bed, she smiled and turned on the shower, leaving the bathroom door open.

"You really had to go and get me all excited and then leave me high and dry, didn't you?" Olivia asked as she walked into the bathroom and began undressing. "Why do you insist on doing that to me?"

Alex raised her eyebrows and stepped into the shower, inviting Olivia to join her. As Olivia stepped in and wrapped her arms around her, Alex's playful mood turned more serious. She turned to face Olivia and wrapped her arms around her so they could stand as close as possible to one another. "Thank you," she whispered as the water gently hit her back.

Olivia kissed her softly and smiled. "For what?"

Alex sighed. "Last night. That song. Everything." She smiled and moved her hands along the small of Olivia's back. "I was really scared to fall asleep last night," she admitted softly. "You helped a lot, Liv. You really did. Thank you."

Olivia brushed the hair out of Alex's face and smiled. "You don't have to thank me for that, honey. I want to be there for you, just like you've always been there for me." She kissed Alex's forehead and hugged her tight. "I will always be there for you. Always."

"I know, and I love you so much for that." She paused and smiled. "I'll always be here for you, too, you know that right?" she asked. She realized how many times she heard Olivia say those words to her, yet she could barely remember a handful of times that she'd said them in return.

"I know you will. That's what makes us so great."

They stepped out of the shower and got dressed. Olivia put on a red top – much to Alex's pleasure – and dark blue denim pants. As she gathered her gun and holster, she smiled at Alex's choice of clothing: tight blue jeans and a soft purple tank top.

"What?"

Olivia shook her head. "Nothing. You just look amazing, as always."

Alex rolled her eyes and smiled. "Yeah well, if you keep flirting with me like this you're going to be really late for work. I'll see you later tonight." She ushered Olivia out of the door and closed it behind her. She looked at her watch. _Eight twenty – two_, she thought to herself. She wasn't due at Jess' until twelve. _What the hell am I going to do for the next four hours_? She shook her head and headed into the bedroom to try to find a book to read.

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"Casey," Steve whispered. "Casey, honey, wake up." He gently shook her shoulder and tried to wake her, but it didn't work. "You're going to be late for work," he insisted, then saw a small smile forming at the corner of her mouth. She was faking. He smiled and lowered his face next to hers. "I know you're faking, sweetie. You're a terrible faker, do you know that?"

"Ah, but I had you going there for a bit."

"Yeah, for about two seconds."

She rolled over and smiled. "Well, it was a fun two seconds."

He started to sit up, grabbing her hand and trying to pull her up with him, when she lightly tugged him back into bed. He looked at her in confusion and shook his head. "Honey, you have to be at work in an hour. What are you doing?"

She shook her head and smiled. "No work today."

"What?"

"Yep," she answered, with a flirtatious grin on her face. "Alex and I are all caught up on our paperwork, our cases are where they should be, and we don't have to be in court until next week. We have nothing to do but sit around and twiddle our thumbs, so we took the rest of the week off." She paused, enjoying the excited grin on his face. "That means we can sleep in and do…well, whatever we want."

"Well then, we should crawl back into bed shouldn't we?"

"I was just thinking the same thing."

He laid back down next to her and pulled the covers over them. He rolled over onto his side and placed his hand on her face. "You really like working with Alex, don't you?"

She smiled and nodded. "Yeah, I really do. She's one hell of a talented lawyer."

"Well I'm just glad to see you so happy," he said, and traced her cheekbone with his thumb. "You're a beautiful woman, Casey, but lately, you've been even more beautiful. I swear the happier you are, the more attracted I am to you."

Casey laughed and placed her hand over his on her cheek. "I'm only happy because I have the most amazing husband in the world." She leaned over and kissed passionately. "I love you."

"I love you, too," he answered softly. The kiss lasted several minutes, neither of them wanting to let go. Finally, however, Steve closed his eyes sadly and pulled away. "Unfortunately," he said as he climbed out of bed. "Some of us still have to go to work."

Casey pouted and followed him into the bathroom. "You could call in sick."

He shook his head. "Nope. I've got meetings galore today and I can't miss them. Trust me when I tell you that I wish I could. I really have no desire to sit and talk finances for six hours, but if I want to earn my paycheck, it must be done."

She helped him straighten his tie – something he'd never been able to do by himself – and smiled. "Where on earth would you be without me?"

He turned around and smiled. "Completely lost, that's for sure." He gave her a quick kiss, then headed for the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. He was glad when she followed him and pulled out a cup for herself. "I thought you were going to go back to sleep. It's barely seven-thirty."

She shook her head and poured the coffee into her cup. "Nope," she said, adding the sugar and cream. "I'm up now, so I might as well make the most of it." She winked at him and sat down on the counter. "Besides," she added. "I'd never be able to fall back asleep knowing that you're not next to me."

He laughed and headed for the door. "Well, I promise to head home as soon as I can. I'd hate to keep you waiting."

"Good." She walked him to the door and gave him a quick kiss goodbye. "I'll see you later tonight. I love you."

He returned the quick kiss. "I love you, too," he said, and walked out the door.

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"Allen, are you sure you know what you're doing?" Jess asked, staring at the pot of noodles on the stove. The water was about to boil over and Allen didn't look like he was even about to do something to stop it.

He laughed and rolled his eyes. "Yes, sweetie, I know what I'm doing," he answered, and turned down the flame. "I just wanted to get them boiling faster. I would hate for lunch to not be ready when Alex gets here. It's impolite to make your guests wait."

Jess rolled her eyes and dipped her finger into the sauce. "Yeah, like Alex would be one to get upset about something like that," she said. She licked her finger and smiled. "This is really good."

"Yeah, I know," he said. "I've been practicing for a while now. It better be good."

Before Jess could answer, there was a knock on the door. She looked at her watch and furrowed her eyebrows. "It's eleven-twenty," she said, confused. "Is Alex really that bored that she wants to come over here forty minutes early?"

"It's a possibility."

She opened the door and smiled at Alex, who had brought a large bottle of wine and a bag of mint oreos. She turned back to Allen and nodded. "I'd say it's more than a possibility."

"Am I too early?" Alex asked nervously. "I was just so bored at home. I swear I need my job just to keep myself occupied!"

Jess shook her head and laughed as she moved out of the way. "It's not a problem, come on in." She closed the door behind them and ushered Alex to the kitchen so she could put her stuff down. "I didn't tell you to bring anything," Jess said.

"Well what kind of guest would I be if I didn't at least bring something?"

"Alex," Jess argued, "Seriously, it's just lunch. Allen's still trying to work on his recipe, so there's no guarantee that it'll be any good…or safe."

"Hey!" Allen playfully yelled in defense. "I'll have you know Alex that Jess has already tasted a bit of the sauce and has told me that it's, and I quote, 'really good,' so I wouldn't be too worried about it." He laughed and pointed to her wine and oreos. "As for what you brought, odd combination may it be, I love it. It was very nice of you."

Alex turned to Jess and smiled. "At least somebody appreciates my gifts."

Jess shook her head and rolled her eyes. "He's just trying to get on your good side so you won't tell him if his sauce sucks. It's one of his many strategies to get people to like what he cooks."

"Ah," Allen said, "But it works every time."

Twenty minutes later, they were sitting down and dishing out the pasta. Alex served herself first, then passed the pot to Jess. "It looks delicious Allen," Alex told him. Please tell me this was easy and you didn't spend all morning on it."

He smiled mischievously. "I wish I could, but unfortunately, this isn't the stuff from the can that you just pour onto the stove. I followed a recipe I found online and this is about the tenth time I've tried to make it."

Alex looked nervously at the food sitting on the plate in front of her. "Really? How did the others turn out?"

"Not so good."

Jess smiled. "Don't worry Alex. I tried the sauce while he was cooking. It tastes fine." She took a bite of her own and smiled. "Yep," she said, affirming what she had told Alex. "It's good."

Alex pretended to be terrified as she slowly took a bite of the pasta. As soon as the fork was in her mouth, she smiled. "Wow, Allen," she said, her mouth still full. "This is delicious."

Allen smiled proudly. "Thank you." He had been working hard for weeks now, trying to perfect this dish. As much of a mess as he had made doing it, and as much money as he had spent on ingredients, Jess had been so supportive. He had once expressed to her his love for cooking, but he never really did much with it. His desire to cook something new came and went sporadically, but Jess was always there to encourage him. "Jess is the one who convinced me to keep going after each time I failed. You should be thanking her that it tastes so great."

Jess shook her head. "All I did was tell him to keep trying. He's the one who actually cooked the stuff." She looked over at him and smiled. "It's delicious, sweetie. You really did it this time."

They had barely been eating for fifteen minutes when they heard a crash in the living room. Allen looked over and saw one of the wings on the ceiling fan had fallen to the floor. He rolled his eyes and looked apologetically at Alex. "Sorry about that," he said as he stood up. "When we rented this apartment, it was broken in half. We think the people before us let their kid play ball in the house or something. We've been using duct tape to hold it up there. I'll be right back."

Jess immediately saw Alex tense up and take a deep breath. _I still can't stand the sound of duct tape being ripped from the roll. Freaks me out like you wouldn't believe,_ she suddenly remembered Alex saying on that day that she told her story. Jess nodded at her and turned to Allen. "We'll fix it later, Allen."

He shook his head, not knowing the reason behind Jess' words. "It's fine, honey. It'll only take a minute. The duct tape's just in the drawer by the fridge."

"No," she said firmly. She didn't want to go into any details with him, but she also needed him to see that now wasn't the right time to fix it. "We'll fix it later. We have a guest and our dinner's getting cold. The ceiling fan can wait."

"Jess, it's not a big deal. All I have to do is grab the duct tape from the kitchen –"

"Allen, we'll fix it later." She said sternly through clenched teeth. She was not about to get into an argument about this, but at the same time, she also wasn't about to let him pull the duct tape out of the drawer.

He gave her a very confused look, but sat down and returned to his dinner. Jess was glad he didn't ask any questions. There was no doubt in her mind that her behavior must have seemed so strange to him, but she wasn't about to let him do something that could very well send Alex into a flashback. She gave him a slight, thankful nod, then tried to get a conversation started. An awkward silence had fallen over the table and she wanted it to end. "So, Alex, what are you planning to do with these days you've taken off?"

Alex, glad to have a change of topic, smiled eagerly. "Well, Casey and I are actually planning on going into Times Square tomorrow. I know it's kind of cliché since we live here, but she's never been there before."

Jess put her fork down and glared at Alex. "Seriously? How has that woman never been to Times Square?"

Alex laughed. "I have absolutely no idea. I guess she's just been so focused on her job that she hasn't had time to do anything else. You know she actually told me she's never been to a Broadway show before?"

"How the hell is that possible?"

"I don't know!"

"How long has she lived in the city?"

"Nearly five years now. It's ridiculous."

Jess rolled her eyes. "That _is_ ridiculous. Are you taking her to see one?"

Alex nodded excitedly. "Yeah, but she doesn't know it yet."

"Ahh," Jess said mischievously. "Sneaky."

"Hey, she's a lawyer," Allen said, finally joining in the conversation. "I think there's like some unwritten rule or something that states that all lawyers must be sneaky."

Alex nodded. She was glad Allen had finally entered the conversation. It had been an awkward few moments after Jess had convinced him to fix the fan later – for which she was eternally grateful – but she knew he didn't know anything. It wasn't his fault she was so screwed up about something as simple as duct tape. Seeing him join in their fun was a huge relief. "It's not necessarily an unwritten rule," she explained to him. "It's more of a talent that we all seem to have."

The afternoon flowed smoothly and the conversation lasted long after lunch was finished. The awkward silence was long forgotten and talks of past cases, Broadway shows, and stupid clients with stupid color choices quickly filled its place. Finally, Alex claimed exhaustion and said she had to go home. Jess walked her to the door while Allen cleared the dishes and began loading them into the dishwasher.

"Thanks for…diverting that conversation, Jess," Alex said as she stepped out the door. She shook her head in embarrassment. "It's stupid, I know. It's just duct tape but…"

Jess shook her head and put a comforting hand on Alex's shoulder. "Don't worry about it. It's okay, and it's not stupid. It's a trigger, I get it. I promise it's okay."

Alex couldn't help but feel ridiculous at what had happened, but she hid her feelings and smiled. "Well, thank you anyway. I honestly don't think I would have been able to handle it if he had pulled it out."

Jess gave her a quick hug. "I was glad to do it."

"If he had pulled it out…I mean, I promise I'm not mad at him – he doesn't know – but still…I don't know what would have happened if he had pulled it out."

"You would have gotten through it," Jess said encouragingly. "Maybe you would have had a flashback, maybe you wouldn't. Either way, everything would have been okay."

"It's just duct tape," she argued. She hated that it was making her feel so pathetic.

"Not to you it isn't. To you, it's the reason you couldn't stop what happened to you. To you, it's something a hell of a lot more than a simple roll of tape." Jess gave her shoulder a final squeeze and smiled. "You don't have to explain yourself and you don't have to be embarrassed by it. It is what it is. It's okay."

Alex smiled weakly. "Thank you, and thanks for lunch. I really enjoyed it."

"I really enjoyed it, too. You should come over more often. It gets lonely sometimes when it's just Allen and I. Bring Olivia, too. That double date we had forever ago was a lot of fun."

"Yeah it was," Alex said, laughing. "I'll talk to her, see if she wants to take a long lunch sometime soon."

"Good. And talk to Casey, too. See if she can get Steve over here and we'd have a huge barbeque or something."

Alex nodded. "Yeah, I'll do that tomorrow. Thanks for lunch, Jess."

"Thanks for coming over."

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After Allen finished fixing the broken ceiling fan, he climbed into bed and crawled into bed next to Jess. He turned so they were facing each other and cupped her cheek in his hands. He kissed her lightly and smiled, though there was slight concern written on his face. "What happened at lunch today, honey?"

"Nothing," she lied.

"Jess," he argued. "You were adamant that I not fix that ceiling fan when it broke. It's a really simple task that would have taken five minutes. Why were you so against me fixing it?"

"It just wasn't a good time, Allen."

"What do you mean?"

She sighed and looked him in the eyes, hoping to convey everything by simple eye contact. "I mean, it really wasn't a good time."

He studied her face for several seconds, and then suddenly, it hit him. He couldn't explain it, especially since she hadn't said anything, but he knew what she was trying to tell him. "Jennings used duct tape to hold her down, didn't he?"

Jess nodded slightly and sniffled, trying to fight the tears. She bit her lower lip and cursed herself for telling him that part, but she had to do it. She owed him an explanation for her behavior earlier that day. Besides, it wasn't like she was giving away all of Alex's secret. If anything, she had just given Allen one way to make sure Alex didn't have a flashback. She felt his hand on her cheek and felt him wiping away a tear. She hadn't even realized she'd been crying. "Yeah," she whispered. "He did."

He shook his head angrily, upset that he had nearly caused her pain. "That bastard." He looked down at Jess and frowned. "I swear I had no idea, Jess. I would never have suggested fixing the fan if I had known."

She smiled weakly and held his hand. "I know, sweetie. She knows that, too. She was really glad you so willingly joined back into the conversation. She like you a lot, Allen."

"Good, because she has got to be by far the strongest woman I know. After everything that's happened to her, I cannot believe how happy she always seems to be. It's amazing."

"She's an incredible woman."

"You take after her, you know."

She furrowed her eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

He smiled and kissed her forehead. "You didn't exactly have an easy childhood, either. You're an incredibly strong and very happy woman now. You take after her. There's no doubt in my mind that the two of you are related."

She smiled and wrapped her arms around him. "You're an incredible man, do you know that?"

"Yep. And you're an incredible woman."

She slowly closed her eyes and relaxed her head against his. "I love you."

"I love you, too. Goodnight."

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Okay, I'm thinking I might introduce the health crisis either in the next chapter or the one after it. There's angst ahead…as if you didn't already know that judging by my last story…


	6. Times Square

Disclaimer: I own Steve, Allen, and Jess. Dick owns everyone else.

Yeah, this is going to be an angst – filled chapter. Why is angst my specialty? Why can't it be humor or something happy? shrugs Oh well. Bring it on anyway…

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"Alex, did you really have to drag me out of bed at eight in the morning to take me into Times Square?" Casey asked as Alex pulled out of her driveway. "I mean it's not like it's that far away."

Alex laughed and pulled onto the street. "Well, I realize that it's close, but I wanted to make sure you got the entire Times Square experience. I've got a lot planned for us today."

Casey furrowed her eyebrows. "Alex, please tell me you didn't spend an absurd amount of money on this day."

"Of course I did," Alex joked. "But relax. It's going to be a hell of a lot of fun." She smiled and looked Casey in the eye. "Plus, Steve chipped in a good bit, so don't worry about the cost."

"Why are you doing this?" Casey asked, worry in her voice.

"Casey, relax," Alex told her. She took a deep breath and bit her lower lip. "I'm doing this because I never really actually thanked you – I mean _really_ thanked you for everything."

"Alex, what are you talking about?"

Alex pulled into the parking garage and parked the car. She looked straight ahead for several moments before finally turning to face Casey. "I'm talking about you getting Jennings put on death row. I'm talking about you getting Simpkins disbarred and put in jail. I'm talking about you giving me the best job I've ever had. I'm talking about you being one of the best friends I've ever had." She smiled encouragingly and sighed happily. "I never did anything to show you how much all that meant to me."

Casey shook her head. "Alex, you don't have to do anything to show me –"

"I want to."

Casey looked into Alex's eyes and saw what looked to her like a genuine need to do this for her. She nodded in agreement and smiled. "Well I suppose allowing one of my best friends to take me around Times Square for a day is fine with me."

"Good, because we've got quite the day planned."

"Oh, really? And what exactly did you want to do?"

"First, we have to go stand in the TKTS line."

Casey furrowed her eyebrows. "The what?"

"The TKTS line. It's where you go on the day of a show to buy discounted tickets. We're going to go see what's still available and buy tickets for a show tonight. Steve, Allen, Jess, and Olivia are all planning on coming. They told us to pick the show and buy the tickets and they'll meet us at the appropriate time."

"You're taking me to a Broadway show?"

"Um, actually, Steve's taking you to a Broadway show. He gave me the money for it."

"Wow. I had no idea the two of you were such sneaky planners. I had no idea you were even discussing it."

Alex smiled proudly. "Yeah, we're pretty good at that."

Casey shook her head and smiled as they rounded the block and she saw Times Square for the first time in her entire life. Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped, and she didn't even care that she must have looked like the biggest tourist in the world. "I can't believe I never came here before. What the hell is the matter with me?"

"You look like a kid in a candy store right now, you know that, right?" Alex asked, smiling.

Casey grinned as she finally came back into reality. "Yeah, I probably do, don't I?"

"Oh, yeah." Alex laughed.

Casey just shook her head and started walking. "So where is this TKTS booth you were talking about?"

Alex looked up and smiled. "See that huge hoard of people standing over there across the street?" she asked and pointed. When she saw Casey look up and grimace, she laughed. "Yep, that's it."

"How long are we going to have to wait?"

"I don't know. It doesn't usually take that long."

"Okay, but I don't want my first trip to Times Square to be spent in the line waiting for tickets to an already sold out Broadway show."

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Allen opened his eyes and smiled at the sight of his wife sleeping peacefully beside him. He thought back to when he had first moved in with her. He frequently woke up to her tossing and turning in her sleep. She never woke up screaming or anything like that, but she rarely had a peaceful night's sleep. He'd helped her work on it, asking her what he could do. At first, she'd just told him there was nothing he could do to help, but eventually she'd caved and told him that if he held her, she'd feel better. That was three years ago, and he'd held her nearly every night since. He smiled proudly at how far they'd come as he began caressing her face gently.

"Mmmmmm," she moaned softly as she slowly awoke. "It's too early to wake up, Allen."

He laughed and stopped rubbing her face. "It's nearly nine o'clock. It's not _that_ early."

She smiled and cuddled next to him. "I love you," she told him.

"I love you, too."

"Why'd you wake me up like this?"

He hesitated. He'd woken her up because he had something he wanted to discuss with her, but he wasn't sure how to approach the subject. He bit his lower lip and took a big, nervous breath.

"What? What is it?"

"I was just thinking, I mean maybe, if you wanted…I thought, I mean I love you so unbelievably much and I thought maybe we could…I don't know, maybe we could…"

She smiled nervously at his ramblings. "Allen, what is it that you're trying to say?"

"I thought maybe we could, if you're ready or if you want to or whatever, maybe we could…maybe we could try for a baby?"

"You, you want to have a baby?" She asked, completely dumbfounded. "With _me_?"

His eyes widened in horror as he heard her question herself. "Oh, honey, I would love to have a baby with you."

She looked away and closed her eyes sadly. "I'm the product of a rape, Allen," she said bluntly. "What if I…what if pass on his blood or something? What if I'm not a good mother and turn into the damn people who adopted me?"

He reached over and pulled her against him. He cupped her face in his hands and forced her to look him in the eyes. "Jess, you are an incredibly amazing woman, and you would make an incredibly amazing mother. There's no way you would turn into your parents and there's certainly no way you would pas on 'bad blood'. It's just not possible." He smiled and kissed her lightly. "You would make the most amazing mother in the world, I know it."

"You really think so?" She asked, her eyes filling with tears.

"I know so."

She took a deep breath and forced a smile as a few stray tears fell down her cheeks. "I want to have a baby," she whispered. "But I'm terrified. I'm so scared I'll screw it up or something."

"You won't, sweetie." He smiled and took her hand in his. "I don't want you making any decisions right now. I want you to take as much time as you need to consider it, but promise me something?"

She sniffled and smiled slightly. "What?"

"Promise me you'll at least consider it."

She nodded. "I will. I already know I want to have a baby, Allen, but not yet. I'm not ready."

He wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. "Well until you're ready, I'm perfectly content to just lye here with you on this bed and wrap my arms around you."

"There's only one problem with that."

"What?"

"We have brochures that need to be finished by eight tonight."

"Damn."

"I know," she answered, her confidence and enthusiasm returning slowly "I wish we could just stay in bed all day." She smiled eagerly. "Plus, we need to finish them as quickly as we can. Alex is supposed to call us soon with the show information."

"Oh, shit," he said, throwing off the blankets and getting to his feet, pulling her out of bed with him. "I completely forgot about that." He held her hand tightly and pulled her into the living room and gently shoved her towards the computer. "Get to work woman, we want to make sure we're not stuck here doing this stupid project when we could be enjoying a show!"

She laughed and rolled her eyes. "Well if I'm stuck doing this stupid thing, that means you're stuck massaging my shoulders and getting me plenty of food and beverages. "If my memory is correct, and I'm sure it is, you've already finished all of the things on your end, correct?"

He looked at her and sighed. "Yeah, I'm done with the logistics. All that's left is the actual design."

"Good. Now get to work. My neck is tense as hell and sitting at this computer isn't going to be any help." As soon as she felt his hands gently rubbing her shoulders, she sighed and put hers over them. "I love you, Allen," she said softly. "I want to have a baby with you, but I need a little time."

He leaned down and kissed the top of her head. "Don't rush yourself, honey," he told her gently. "It was a suggestion. I want to do it when you want to do it. If you're not ready, we'll wait."

"Are you upset?"

He spun her chair around so she was facing him. When she refused to make eye contact, looking everywhere else but at him, he took her face in his hands and smiled warmly. "Not in the slightest," he told her truthfully. He traced her cheekbone with his left thumb and smiled encouragingly. "I would kill myself before I asked you to do something you weren't ready to do. I love you, Jess. Please, take your time with this. A baby's a huge thing, I know. I want you to be ready. I want to do this together."

She smiled as relief swept over her. "Thank you," she mouthed, not trusting herself enough to actually voice the words.

He gently wiped away a tear from her cheek before gently turning her back to face the computer. "I love you," he told her, and again began gently massaging her neck and shoulders. "Now, let's get this brochure finished so we can enjoy the show tonight."

She nodded and got to work. "I think I'm falling even more in love with you, do you know that?"

"Enough talk, woman!" He joked. "Finish the damn project. If you finish early, we can talk then."

She rolled her eyes and shook her head as she began placing the text and graphics in the appropriate places. It wasn't a complicated brochure – just the cover page, inside cover page, main page, and the back of the main page. It wouldn't take that long, especially since she had all the color schemes, graphics, and text planned out for each page. Now all she had to do was put it together. She smiled proudly. "I'll finish in no time."

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"We got tickets to see Wicked," Alex told Allen over the phone. "It starts at eight, so plan on meeting us at least thirty minutes early. I want to make sure we find each other with plenty of time left to get our seats."

"Sounds good. I'll let Jess know."

"And then you'll call Steve."

"Yes, and then I'll call Steve."

"I just want to make sure he gets the right information. I would hate to have the husband of the woman around whom this day revolves show up at the wrong time and miss the show."

He laughed and shook his head. "You're one hell of a character, Alex."

"I'll see you tonight, Allen."

"Yeah you will. Bye, Alex."

"Bye."

Alex closed her phone and stuck it back in her purse. She turned to Casey and smiled. "He never ceases to crack me up every single time I talk to him," she said as they walked down the block.

"He's a good guy," Casey said. "So where to now?"

Alex took a deep breath and smiled. "Well, I was thinking that we should do this double-decker bus tour. It's a really great deal. I think it's something like forty dollars a person, but you get to tour the entire city – Manhattan, Queens, the Bronx – everything. Plus, you can get on and off wherever and whenever you want. They give you a history of a lot of different places and bits of information you'd never know."

Casey smiled and considered the option. It sounded like a good one, but it still seemed too expensive, even though she got to do so much with it. She looked around, desperately searching for something to catch her eye so she could suggest it.

Alex smiled, knowing what Casey was trying to do. "Case," she said sternly, and waited for the woman to look at her. "It's forty dollars. It's a great deal, and it's a lot of fun. Come on. Let's do it."

Taking a deep, slow breath, Casey nodded. "Okay," she finally said. "Let's do it."

Alex grinned eagerly. "Good! Come on. There's a place around the corner where we can get tickets. Then we can just hop on and be on our merry way." She smiled eagerly at Casey and tried to get her to be more enthusiastic. It pained her to see the woman feeling so guilty about something this simple. "Casey, it's okay to accept gifts from friends. Please, just have fun today. You deserve it."

"I know, I should just have fun," she said in agreement. She stood up straighter and smiled. "Lead the way, Councilor."

"Follow me, my dear, and I'll show you a side of New York that you've never seen before."

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"I can't believe everybody actually showed up at the right time!" Alex told Olivia as they climbed into bed that night. "Allen really got all the information right and got it to all of you and you guys all got there. I was so nervous."

Olivia laughed and shook her head. "Of course we all got there on time. It was great show, Alex, and Casey had the most amazing time." She smiled proudly and lightly kissed Alex's lips. "I could see it in her eyes. She was really happy tonight."

"Yeah, she was. She deserved it. After everything she did for me, she deserved it."

"You seemed to enjoy yourself, too."

"I did," Alex answered, then smiled flirtatiously. "I started having even more fun once you arrived, though."

"Are you sure you didn't start having more fun because my arrival meant we got to see the show?" Olivia asked playfully.

She nodded, "Oh yeah. I'm positive."

"Good," Olivia said. "That's what I like to hear."

Alex traced her teeth with her tongue and smiled. "Hey, Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"We never set a date for our wedding. I think we should do that."

Olivia studied her carefully. The last time she had introduced the wedding topic into the conversation, Alex had broken down into tears. Now, however, as Olivia studied her, she didn't see fear in her eyes. Now she saw excitement. "You ready to do that?"

Alex nodded. "I am. I really want to get that date set so we can start planning it. I want to spend an absurd amount of money and have a beautiful ceremony and invite all our friends over. I want it to be the most amazing day in the world."

"Well we'll have no problem with that one."

"Why's that?"

Olivia smiled. "Because I'll be marrying you. That automatically makes it the most amazing day in the world."

"You're too much, Benson." Alex said happily.

"Ah, but you love me anyway."

"Damn right I love you."

"So about that date. Do you have any ideas in mind?"

"I was thinking…" she started slowly, trying to gain her strength. She was ready to be part of the preparations now, but she was still scared of saying or doing something stupid. "How about late May…maybe May 27th? It's a Saturday, I checked."

Olivia smiled. "Perfect. The weather will be nice then, and the leaves on the trees will be back by then, too."

"It's a good time?"

"It's a perfect time," Olivia assured her.

Alex nodded. "Okay, I picked the day, you pick the place."

"Our backyard," Olivia said simply.

"What?"

Olivia nodded. "Yep. We've got three acres. We could deck it out however the hell we wanted and not have to worry about annoying anyone. Plus, we could have the reception right here. It's perfect. Our back looks over a gorgeous forest. It'll be perfect."

Alex smiled and nodded. "It will be perfect."

"It's set then."

"It's set."

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Her cell phone was ringing, but she wasn't about to roll over and answer it. Suddenly, she felt Steve shaking her. "Casey, honey, it's your cell and it's two – thirty in the morning. Answer it."

"I don't wanna," she mumbled, trying to fall back asleep.

He shook her slightly harder. "Honey, someone's trying to reach you at two – thirty in the morning. It's going to be important. Answer you phone and see what it is, please. If you don't," he added. "They're just going to keep calling."

She moaned as she rolled over and answered the phone. "Novak," she answered, very annoyed.

"Is this Ms. Casey Novak?"

"Did you not hear how I just answered my phone?" Casey asked angrily.

"My apologies," the man on the other line said. "I needed to make sure I had the right person."

There was slight pause, and Casey's anger intensified. "Look, the only reason you'd be calling me at two – thirty in the morning is if it's something important, so tell me. Who are you and what is it that you need?"

"Miss, my name is Doctor Chris Peters, and I work at the Atlanta General Hospital. I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but…Ms. Novak, your parents were involved in a traffic accident this evening."

"W – What?" she stuttered.

"I'm so sorry. They wrapped their car around a tree."

"No," she insisted, as if saying the words would make the true untrue.

Dr. Peters took a deep breath. He hated making these phone calls – no matter how many of them he made, they never got any easier. "It appears that they left a local bar around eleven," he paused, hoping she didn't get upset at that part. "They hit the tree going very fast. Death was instant. They didn't feel any pain."

"No," she insisted again. "No, that's not possible. They sobered up two years ago!"

"I'm sorry, miss."

"NO!" she screamed. "It's not possible! They can't be dead! They just can't be!" she screamed as she threw the phone across the room and watched it hit the wall and shatter into a million pieces. "They can't be dead, they can't be dead, they can't be dead," she said over and over as she brought her knees up to her chest and began rocking back and forth.

Steve immediately wrapped his arms around her and pulled her tight. "Casey, honey, talk to me," he urged. "Talk to me, sweetie. What happened? Who's dead?"

"My parents," she sobbed. Her grief quickly turned to anger and she pulled away from him. "They promised me! They promised me that they stopped drinking two years ago! I should have known it was a lie. I should have known." She shook her head angrily and wiped away the tears on her cheeks. "They got drunk and wrapped their car around a tree. In – fucking – credible."

Steve once again wrapped his arms around her and held on tight as she tried to fight him. "Casey, don't fight me," he said sternly. "Cry. Let yourself cry. It's okay." He told her, knowing she was turning her grief into anger in an attempt to keep from crying. It was something she was becoming frighteningly good at.

"No."

"Casey, do it."

"I can't."

"Yes you can. I'm right here. Cry. It's okay."

She felt him tighten his grip again and ease her head onto his shoulder. She bit her lip until it bled, but then allowed the tears to come. She wrapped her arms around him and sobbed into him. "Why did I believe them? They always promised me they were going to sober up, all during my childhood they promised me, but they never kept those promises. Never. And yet I believed them each and every fucking time. Why the hell did I believe them?"

He held her and let her cry, not knowing what to say. He didn't want to open his mouth and risk saying something that would only hurt her, so he just gently rubbed her back and told her that he loved her. He let her sob into his chest as he kissed the top of her head and cursed the world. She had been so happy all day – the trip to Times Square had been exactly what she had needed to really, truly get over what happened in the courtroom so many months ago. Now this had to happen. It wasn't fair. He felt his eyes tearing as he held her, rocking her back and forth, and wishing there was something else that he could do to help her.

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Okay, I know, I didn't put in the health crisis. It's coming, I promise. I just started writing and this is what came out. I promise…okay, I promise I'll try…to put it in the next chapter. If that doesn't work, then I promise to at least hint at it, and then leave you all with a nasty cliffhanger…


	7. You Look Like Shit

Disclaimer: I don't own the Law and Order: SVU characters. Dick does.

Sorry it's taken me this long to update again. We're trying to sell our house so I've had to practically spend two or three hours a day cleaning, plus I'm working 7 hour shifts everyday, my cat keeps bringing home dead rabbits and leaving them on our doorstep – which is so NOT good when you're showing your house to potential buyers, and I've been trying to deal with my college's screwed up financial aid department. All that plus the last couple times I tried to upload this chapter yesterday, it wouldn't let me. Yea, I'm done rambling. Here's the chapter.

Methinks there is a health crisis about which to speak…perhaps.

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"Liv," Alex moaned. "Liv, answer your phone." She heard the ringing, but refused to open her eyes. She had been sleeping soundly and could tell that it wasn't yet daylight. She looked at the clock. Five – fifteen. Whoever was calling at this ungodly hour deserved to be shot.

"Not mine," Olivia mumbled and tried to fall back asleep.

Alex groaned and rolled over to look at her nightstand. Sure enough, her phone was lit up and vibrating. She rolled her eyes and picked it up, then frowned. "It's Steve," she told Olivia. She immediately flipped open the phone and put it to her ear. "Steve?"

"Alex?" Steve asked, his voice clearly full of worry.

"Steve, what's wrong?"

"I, um, Casey and I have to leave for Atlanta in a few hours. I just thought you should know incase you get a break in a case or any new cases come in. We'll be gone for about a week."

Alex sat up straight in bed, no longer feeling the least bit tired. Now she was worried. "Steve, what's going on? It's five – thirty in the morning. What's wrong?"

Steve took a deep breath. "Alex, I…Casey's parents were killed in a car accident a few hours ago. We just got the call. We're on the next flight to Atlanta."

"Oh my God," Alex said, completely taken aback by the news. She had no idea what to say or do. "What can we…does she need us to…should we come over?"

"I don't know," he answered, his voice clearly full of uncertainty. He had no idea what to do or how to help Casey. Their plane was leaving in four hours, so he thought it best if nobody came over. He would hate to have them comforting Casey and then have to leave. He took a deep breath. "I think she would really appreciate you coming over, but we're leaving pretty soon and I don't think she'd want to have to be dragged away from you."

Alex nodded, feeling her eyes fill with water at the news. "Okay," she whispered, her voice not strong enough to do anything else. She heard Steve start to put the phone down, but she stopped him. "Steve?"

"Yeah?"

"Tell Casey she has all of next week off. I know I'm not her boss, but I'll make the calls and everything. She doesn't have to worry about it."

"Thanks, Alex."

"And if she needs more time, tell her to take it. There's no rush for her to get back in here, okay?"

"I'll tell her. She'll appreciate that."

"And make sure she knows we love her, okay?"

"I will."

"Steve?"

"Yeah Alex?"

"Take care of her. Just hold her. Tell her you love her. There's not a whole lot more you can do at a time like this. Just make sure you tell her you love her."

He swallowed hard, trying to fight the tears. "Thanks, Alex," he said softly. "I'll call you when we get back, let you know how she's doing."

Alex was about to say good-bye when an idea struck her. She motioned to Olivia for a pen and paper. When they were handed to her, she scribbled quickly, _Fly to Atlanta today_? She gave Olivia a look that told her not to question the reasoning, and was grateful when Olivia nodded, telling her she had nothing planned and it would be fine. "Steve?"

"Yeah?"

She took a deep breath. "How do you think Casey would feel if Liv and I tagged along? I don't know, maybe we could be a little extra support for the both of you."

If the situation hadn't been so completely horrific, Steve would have laughed at her suggestion. "Alex, our plane leaves in five hours. There's no way in hell I'd ever ask you to try to book a flight that soon."

"You didn't ask. I offered," she said softly. "If your flight's booked, we can get seats on the next one out. All I'm asking is if you think Casey would want us there with her."

Steve thought for a few seconds before responding. He didn't want Alex and Olivia to frantically search for a flight to attend a funeral for people they'd never met. At the same time, however, Casey was in a state he'd never seen her in before. She wasn't uttering a word, and her eyes looked empty. She was going to need all the support she could get. He swallowed, hoping he wasn't making Alex feel like they had to go along. "I think she'd really like that."

Alex smiled. "Then I'll start looking for the next flight. I'll do my best to get on yours, but if not, I promise we'll be on the next one. Let her know we're coming, will you?"

"I will. Thank you. She's lucky to have you as a friend, Alex. She really is."

"Not nearly as lucky as I am to have her," Alex answered. "Let me talk to Liv. We'll start looking at flights. I'll call you back as soon as I know which one we're on."

"Okay, I'll talk to you soon. Thanks again."

"Don't mention it. Just go take care of her."

"I will."

Alex hung up the phone and put her hands over her mouth to stifle her sobs. She couldn't believe what she had just heard. It was the absolute worst possible time for something like this to happen. Casey had been so happy all day long. _Why does this world have to be so damn cruel_?

Olivia slowly sat up and crawled next to Alex. "Honey, what happened?" she asked as she stroked Alex's back. "Why was Steve calling you and why are we all of a sudden flying to Atlanta?"

Alex looked up and met Olivia's eyes. "Casey's parents were killed in a car accident earlier tonight," she told her. "They're in Atlanta and Steve's taking her down there on the next flight out. I just thought, maybe she'd like it if we were there with her, too."

"Oh, God."

"If you can't get off work, would you mind if I still went with her? I think she probably needs as much support as possible."

Olivia shook her head. "Absolutely. By all means Alex, please, if you can get a seat on their plane, take it. I'll talk to Cragen as soon as I can and see if I can maybe take an early day today and come down later tonight or tomorrow morning."

Alex nodded and climbed out of bed. She walked over to the computer desk and started searching for flights to Atlanta. Luck was on her side, and she quickly found that the flight Steve and Casey had booked was still relatively empty. She reserved a ticket and swallowed sadly as she picked up the phone to call Steve. "I'm on your flight," she told him.

"Really? You got a spot?"

"Yeah, it was pretty empty actually." She paused, hating that she had no idea what to say. "How about I come pick you two up? Neither of you should be driving right now."

"Yeah," he said sadly. "You're probably right. Thanks."

"I'll be there in two hours. That'll give us an hour to get to the airport and two hours to get through security. I'll see you in a bit."

They hung up the phone and Alex sighed. It wasn't fair. She looked at Olivia with tears in her eyes as Olivia walked over and wrapped her arms around her. "Today was so much fun," Alex said. "She had such an amazing time and she was smiling and happy and…damnit this isn't fair!"

"I know," Olivia said gently. "It's not fair. Come on, I'll help you pack."

"Thanks."

They spent the next hour and a half gathering what Alex would need for the next week. She wasn't sure how long she would be staying in Atlanta, but a week sounded safe. If she needed to stay longer, she could always do laundry. If worst came to worst, there were plenty of stores around. She grabbed her suitcase and headed for the door. "I don't want to do this," she said to Olivia.

"Do what?"

"See her suffering. She doesn't deserve it."

Olivia walked over and gently rubbed her back. "She'll be glad you're coming with her. She needs you."

"I know. I'll see you later. Call me and let me know when you're coming down. I'll have a cab or something meet you at the airport and drive you to wherever the hell we end up staying."

"Go, Alex. I'll take care of things on this end."

"Okay. Bye, Liv."

"Bye, Al. I love you."

"I love you, too."

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"Casey," Steve said softly as he slowly entered the bedroom where he'd left her in order to make the phone call to Alex. She was lying on her side, facing the wall, and she didn't respond to his call. He walked slowly over and sat down next to her, placing a hand on her back. "Honey, Alex is going to come to Atlanta with us."

"What? You asked her to come with us?" she asked, anger clearly evident in her voice.

"No," he said gently. "She offered. She even managed to get a seat on our plane."

"Why?"

He laid next to her and wrapped his arms around her. "Because she loves you and she wants to be with you for this." He kissed the top of her head lightly and held her tight. "She doesn't want you to be alone."

"She's really coming?" she asked hopefully.

"Yeah, she is."

"I am going to have to buy that woman one hell of a birthday present," Casey said, making a futile attempt at joking. She didn't know what else to do at the moment. She had cried all she could – now she was just numb. She wanted so desperately to feel something – anything, but she couldn't. She hated that this was affecting her so much. _They were abusive alcoholics,_ she thought to herself._ Why am I letting this get to me_? She rolled over and smiled at her husband, whose arms were wrapped snuggly around her. "Can I ask you to do something that you might not really want to do?"

"Of course you can."

She shifted uncomfortably and averted her eyes. "When Alex gets here, could you…could you ask her not to hug me or try to comfort me or anything?" She noticed the confusion on his face and sighed. "I don't think I'll be able to hold it together if she tries to do that right now." She took a deep breath and held it for several seconds. "I just want to make it to our hotel room in Atlanta. Then I'll be able to really lose it. I don't want to be a complete wreck on the plane. I hate flying enough as it is."

Steve nodded, completely understanding her request. "I'll tell her as soon as she gets here." He started to pull her closer, but stopped when she held her arms between them. "I love you," he whispered, realizing that she didn't want to be comforted at the moment. "I'll go make sure we have everything you need."

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She was at their house exactly one hour after she promised Steve she'd be on the flight with them. She slowly pulled into the driveway and parked the car. It took her several minutes before she felt strong enough to even open her door, let alone walk up to the house. _She was strong for you during the trial_, Alex reminded herself. _Now she needs you to be strong for her._ She took a deep breath and nodded. "God help me," she muttered as she made her way to the front door and rang the bell.

"Alex," Steve said gratefully as he opened the door, his eyes puffy and red from crying. "I…I don't even know what to…just…" he hesitated, trying to keep his composure. "Thank you," he finally managed to say. He felt those words were so insignificant for what the woman standing before him had just done for his wife, but he could think of nothing else to say.

Alex nodded and wrapped her arms around him. She held on tight to him, not knowing what to say to help him. There was nothing she could say in this situation, and that was what was killing her. As she pulled out of the hug, she managed a weak but comforting smile. "How is she?"

"Not good," he answered sadly. "She won't talk. She um," he hesitated slightly, but continued, knowing he had to do what Casey had asked him to do. "She asked me to ask you not to hug her or try to comfort her until we get to our hotel." He looked away for a minute, then brought his eyes back to meet Alex's. "She's afraid she'll lose it if you try to do that, and she doesn't want to do that before the flight."

"She hate flying," Alex said, immediately understanding why Steve was asking her to do this. It wasn't going to be easy to do though. She knew that once she saw Casey walk out of the bedroom, she was going to want to throw her arms around the woman. She nodded, agreeing to Steve's request. She forced a small smile and said, "And she really hates it when people see her cry."

"She barely lets me see her cry," Steve said in agreement. "She'll do a hell of a lot of damage if she's trying too hard to prevent the entire airport from seeing it happen. I think it'll be better if we just let her be until she's in a place where she's comfortable letting go."

"Then that's what we'll do."

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"Liv, you look like shit," Elliot told her as soon as she walked into the squad room. He laughed jokingly as he took in her appearance: unkempt hair, disheveled clothes, bags under her eyes, and an exhausted expression on her face.

Under normal circumstances, Olivia would have joined in on the fun, joking with him and pretending that she'd had a late night at the bar with a strange and exotic woman. These, however, were not normal circumstances, and Olivia was not in the mood for the usual squad room humor. "Shove it, Elliot," she said angrily as she made her way towards Cragen's office.

"What the hell was that?" Elliot asked in complete confusion, turning to look at Munch and Fin. He was grateful that they both looked equally confused as he was. He decided to shrug it off rather than follow her into Cragen's office. The woman was obviously on a mission, and trying to stop it would surely mean instant death. He decided to just wait until she came back out of Cragen's office to talk to her. That was the surest way he would live to see Kathy make dinner that night.

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Cragen nearly jumped in surprise as the door to his office flew open and a very distraught Olivia Benson walked into the room, quickly shutting the door behind her. His eyes widened with concern as he stood to greet her. "Olivia, what's wrong?"

"I need to take a week off, Cap," she said bluntly, without looking him in the eye.

"You've got more vacation time than anyone else on the squad," he answered.

"You're not even going to ask me why?"

He took a deep breath and sighed. "Something's obviously wrong, and yes, I'm worried, but I've known you long enough to be able to read you, Benson. You need this week off…take it. Just let me know if there's anything I can do."

"Casey's parents were killed in a car accident. Alex and I are flying to Atlanta with her and Steve," Olivia told him, the words slipping out of her mouth before she could stop them. She closed her eyes and tried to calm down. "I just need a few days. I might not even need the whole week."

Cragen nodded. "Take what you need, Olivia. We can handle things on this end."

She nodded her thanks and walked back out the door. She avoided everyone's eyes and tried to keep her attention on the exit on the other side of the squad room. She really wasn't in the mood to deal with anyone right now, and she was sure everyone had questions about her behavior minutes earlier.

Elliot caught up with her before she could reach the door. He jumped in front of her, blocking her exit, and stared her down. "What the hell was that back there, Liv?"

"Nothing," she mumbled, trying to move around him.

He stepped in front of her. There was no way he was letting this one go. This wasn't the first time in the last few weeks that she'd come in looking exhausted. Over the last few weeks or so, she'd come in several times looking as though she hadn't slept much, though both she and Alex claimed they were getting plenty of sleep. Even more recently, the bags under her eyes seemed to be getting larger and darker. If fatigue wasn't to blame, he wanted to know what was going on. "Stop lying to me, Liv." He said sternly, then changed his tone to one of compassion. "What's wrong?"

She looked up angrily at him and rolled her eyes. "Casey's parents died in a car accident and Alex and I are flying to Atlanta with her and Steve so she doesn't feel so alone! There, is that what you needed to hear?"

He watched as she stormed off around him and walked through the doors of the squad room. He waited several seconds before deciding to follow her, nodding at Munch and Fin's worried stares. As he rounded a corner, he saw her walking down the hall. He was about to call out to her when he saw her stop suddenly and put her hand on the wall, as if trying to steady herself. A few seconds later, she put her hands over her mouth and bolted as fast as she could for the bathroom.

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"That was by far the most horrible, absolute worst flight I have ever been on in my entire fucking life!" Casey exclaimed as they reached the hotel room. "I am never flying again!" She threw her suitcase onto the bed and stormed off to look out the window.

Alex and Steve exchanged quick, worried glances before Alex slowly strode over and gently wrapped her arms around Casey. "Hey, sweetie," she said softly. When Casey didn't respond, Alex turned her to face her, cupped Casey's face in her hands, and smiled warmly. "We're safe in the hotel room now, honey. Let it out."

Casey shook her head against Alex's hands, but she could feel the tears forming. Alex's eyes had locked with hers and there was no breaking that connection now. She tired fighting the tears, and as a result, her entire body began to shake. Alex brought her over to the closest bed and wrapped her arms tightly around her, but she still didn't allow herself to shed one single tear.

Steve, completely at a loss for what to do, slowly made his way over to the two women and sat down beside Casey, so she was between him and Alex. He placed his hand gently on her back and started stroking his fingers through her hair. "It's okay to cry, Case. It's okay."

"I shouldn't even be this upset!" she yelled into Alex's chest as she continued to fight the tears.

"What?" Alex asked in complete confusion as she pulled Casey out of the hug and forced her to look her in the eyes again. "Casey, honey, you have absolutely every right to be upset about this! They were your parents!"

She shook her head, a few tears finally starting to fall. "You don't get it!" she screamed angrily. "I hated them! I absolutely, completely hated them! They were drunk more often than they were sober and they were the reason I learned how to cook by the time I was six! I have spent my whole life hating them!" she screamed as the tears began to flow more heavily now, though she was still far from fully releasing herself into the sobs that she needed to expel. "Why is this so damn hard if I hated them so much?"

"Because," Steve answered softly. "For better or for worse, they were your parents. No matter what they did, no matter how cruel they were, you still loved them on some level." He hoped what he was saying made sense. He'd never heard her talk about her parents this way before. In fact, he'd never really heard her talk about them at all. All she'd ever said was that they were good people but she'd had a falling out with them and refused to talk to them. He had no idea the secrets she was hiding about them, but right now, he didn't care. "Let yourself cry, Case, please. Let yourself go."

She didn't want to. She didn't want to feel all this grief over the deaths of the two people she hated most in this entire world. Still, there was nothing she could do to stop the flow of tears, especially with Alex's arms around her and Steve combing his fingers through her hair. Finally, she couldn't fight any longer, and she let the tears flow. She could feel Alex's brand new shirt getting soaked – and probably ruined – by her tears, but she was relieved when Alex's grip didn't loosen. If anything, she felt her coworker's arms wrap even tighter around her, and she felt herself wrapping her own arms around the woman as well. She sobbed long into the night, letting go tears not just for the death of her parents, but also for the pain that she never dared share with anyone.

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Olivia found herself dry heaving in the toilet again. _Dammit,_ she thought. This was the third time today she'd felt like throwing up. She was starting to worry. Over the last few weeks, she'd thrown up nearly every other day. She was feeling tired and extremely run-down. Her entire body felt weak and no matter how much sleep she got, she couldn't get rid of the bags under her eyes. At first, she thought it was just the stress of Alex's sudden return of several nightmares a week, but they had lessened, and her symptoms hadn't improved. Then she had attributed it to the stress of the job, but she hadn't caught any new cases lately, so that couldn't be it, either. Now, as the nausea finally passed and she splashed water on her face, she wondered if something else was wrong. She looked at herself in the mirror and realized just how right Elliot was. She really did look like shit – and she felt even worse.

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Yep. I'm evil. It's a cliffhanger of sorts. I'll try to get the next chapter up soon, but I'm leaving for New York in two days, so you might have to wait 4 or 5 days for an update. Yes, I am that cruel.


	8. Please, God, no

Disclaimer: I don't own the Law and Order: SVU characters. Dick does.

Okay yea, if I knew all of you guys, I'd seriously bake you cookies…or something else that strikes your fancy. I can make a mean pesto and cream cheese dip. Your reviews are making me feel all warm and fuzzy and they're definitely giving me the motivation to keep this story going. Thank you all!

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"She's asleep now," Steve said, walking into Alex's room. They had originally asked for hotel rooms next to each other, but were informed that the closest they could do was two that were three doors down from one another. There was a big medical convention and this hotel was where most of the guests were staying. After much arguing, Alex was finally successful in obtaining a two bedroom suite, and offered to pay the difference in cost.

She looked up from the couch and smiled. "Good. She really needs the rest."

"I've never seen her cry like that before," Steve said worriedly, taking a seat next to Alex. "If this situation weren't so utterly horrible, I'd be really worried that she's like this, but now, I think I'm kind of relieved to see her finally let go. It still scares me, though. I don't think all of that we just saw in there was for their deaths."

Alex nodded and sighed. _They were drunk more often than they were sober,_ she remembered Casey saying as she started crying. Her eyes traveled over to the window and she looked out at the passing clouds. No, Casey wasn't just crying for the deaths of her parents. She was crying for something she'd never allowed herself to cry for before. She just prayed Olivia arrived soon. She, more than anyone else, would be able to understand what Casey was going through. Alex looked at her watch and frowned. Olivia's flight wasn't due to land for another two hours. She looked back at Steve and tried to force a comforting smile. "Maybe she'll sleep until Liv gets here. Lord knows she must be exhausted."

Steve nodded and looked out the window for several seconds, then turned his attention back to Alex. He smiled and sighed. "Thank you for coming with us, Alex," he said softly. "She'll never admit it, but I think she really needs you here. Hell, I need you here. I have no idea what I'm doing."

Alex smiled and nodded. "I'm glad to be here. I know she'd do the same for me if my parents died…and I actually cared," she added with a slight frown. "She'd do the same for me."

"I just hope she lets out whatever it is that she's been hiding inside. Those sobs scared the shit out of me, Alex. That was a hell of a lot of repressed pain."

Alex nodded and sighed sadly. "Liv's pretty good at talking to people," she said, trying to reassure Steve as much as she was trying to reassure herself. "She'll be able to get Casey talking. At least, I hope she will."

"You and me both."

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After talking to Alex and getting the information for the hotel, Olivia hailed a cab and climbed in. She gave the driver the address and sat back, though there was no way she could relax. Alex hadn't told her much over the phone, but she could sense the worry in her voice. Casey wasn't doing well, though that wasn't surprising. The other thing bothering her was the nausea. It had come back full force and she'd had to stop in the airport bathroom twice before feeling well enough to grab the taxi. As the car finally pulled to a stop, she gratefully climbed out, paid the driver, and headed inside.

"Hey, honey," Alex said as she let Olivia inside. "How was your flight?"

"Long," Olivia said, eager to get inside. "How is she?"

Alex shook her head sadly. "I don't know. She's been asleep for almost three hours. She woke up screaming about forty-five minutes ago. Steve went in there and I think he's talking to her, but I'm not sure. I don't want to eavesdrop or anything." She led Olivia into their room and sat down on the bed. She was exhausted – both physically and emotionally. She sighed and looked out the window. "She cried once we got here. I've never seen that woman cry like that before. It was terrifying," she said as she turned back to face Olivia. "She's hiding something. She's letting out tears that aren't just for her parents' deaths. There's something else in there, too." She didn't want to give away the fact that Casey had said her parents were alcoholics. It wasn't really her place to say anything.

"Damn," Olivia said, taking a seat next to Alex. "How are you holding up?"

"Not so great," Alex admitted. "I'm exhausted."

"Then get some rest. It's been a long few hours."

"Too long."

"Lie down," Olivia instructed. As Alex pulled back the covers and climbed under them, Olivia laid next to her and stroked her face gently. She kissed her lightly and smiled. "She's lucky to have you, honey. Get some rest." Olivia stayed there until she was sure Alex was asleep, then went out into the main room. She frowned when she saw Steve sitting on the couch, his elbows resting on his knees and his face in his hands. She sat down next to him and wrapped an arm around him.

"I don't know how to help her," he admitted softly. "She's in there sobbing and I don't know how to help her. She finally kicked me out – said she just wanted to be alone."

When he looked up for the first time, Olivia saw that he had tears running down his face. "Hey," she said encouragingly. "We're going to get her through this. She's a strong woman, Steve. It's going to be okay."

"I hope so."

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"Olivia, how much is this dinner costing you?" Casey asked once their Chinese food arrived. She had briefly spoken to Steve, telling him that she wanted to talk to Olivia alone, and now they had the place to themselves. Steve had taken Alex out to dinner and a movie to ensure that the two had plenty of time to talk. Now, as she looked over at the detective sitting next to her, she felt guilty. She hated that Olivia was sacrificing this much just because she was too weak to do this alone. She looked up and sighed. "Just tell me how much this cost and I'll pay you back."

"Casey, stop it." Olivia insisted.

"At least let me pay you back for the plane tickets. This has to be turning into one hell of an expensive trip and I feel so bad that you're doing all of this."

Olivia shook her head and held Casey's hands tightly. "You want to know what you can do to pay me back for this?"

"What?"

"Open up," Olivia said simply. "Let yourself feel. Let yourself cry. Trust us, Casey," Olivia said, looking her straight in the eyes. "All of us – Steve, Alex, myself, Jess and Allen – we all love you. Let us help you through this, and please trust that we're not going to think any less of you if you cry. I know you hate crying, but right now, it's okay. It's understandable." She gave Casey's hands a gentle squeeze and smiled lovingly. "Talk to me, honey. What aren't you telling us?"

"It's stupid."

"Not if it's upsetting you this much. Please, Case, talk to me."

Casey took a deep breath and tried to collect her thoughts. She turned back to Olivia, and was relieved to see the loving look in the woman's eyes. She bit her lower lip nervously. "They, um…they were…" she sighed. "I know exactly what you were saying that night in the bar when you told me about your mother."

Olivia's eyes widened in surprise. "They were…oh, God, Casey, why didn't you ever tell me?" Olivia asked, her voice filled with concern. She'd never imagined the look on Casey's face in the bar was one of understanding. "Why didn't you ever say anything?"

Casey smirked. "You said it yourself, that night."

"What?"

"Because by talking about it, the abuse becomes real. As long as I kept my mouth shut, I was able to pretend like it never happened."

"Casey, did they…what did they do?"

"Nothing compared to what your mother did to you," she said softly. She suddenly felt bad for feeling like this. Olivia's childhood had been so much harder than her own. How the hell was she supposed to get this woman to understand her pain?

"Casey, talk to me."

"Liv, compared to what your mother did to you, my parents were saints."

"It doesn't matter. Don't compare yourself to me – it's not fair to you. Please, Casey, talk to me." Olivia looked her in the eyes and smiled warmly. "I promise I'm safe, honey. Don't let this eat you any more than it already has."

"I started cooking dinner for myself when I was six because they didn't usually come home until about two or three in the morning," she said bluntly. It was terrifying, though at the same time, oddly refreshing.

"That must have been hard."

She nodded. "My neighbor taught me how to make grilled cheese. That's all I ate for about a month at one point during first grade. Then we ran out of cheese." She laughed angrily. "We weren't poor at all. We lived in a nice house, in a nice neighborhood, yet I remember the fridge was rarely full. I once spent a week eating dry oatmeal because the microwave was broken and I couldn't make it. We didn't have any other food."

Olivia slowly wrapped her arm around Casey, being careful not to move too fast or seem too eager to help. Casey needed to move at her own pace. "What did you do when you ran out of oatmeal?"

"Went to the neighbors'. Sometimes they'd let me eat with them. Sometimes they'd give me some food and send me home." She looked away, trying to fight the anger that was building inside of her. "I hated them so much," she said, clenching her teeth. "They'd always come home after being away for days, and they'd act like nothing had happened. They'd expect me to just pretend like we were a normal family and everything. They'd cook for me, tell me they loved me, help me with my homework. Then, a few days later, they'd leave again. Once I was in high school, we started really fighting about it. They always said they'd sober up, but once I was old enough to realize it was a lie, I'd fight them." She shook her head and laughed angrily. "Two years ago, they called, out of the blue. We hadn't spoken in nearly five, and here they were, telling me they'd sobered up and were trying to get their lives back on track. I completely flipped out and told them I hated them, then I hung up on them. The truth was though, I actually believed them – just like I did every other time they told me they were going to quit drinking. I can't believe I was so stupid."

"No, Casey," Olivia said gently. "You're not stupid. You wanted to believe that, maybe that one time, they were telling the truth. My mother told me a few times that she was going to quit, and I always believed her." She gently wrapped her arm around Casey's shoulders and squeezed. "They were your parents. Deep down, you really wanted to believe them."

"They died thinking that I hate them. Those were the last words I ever said to them – that I hated them," she said, her anger intensifying by the second. "I fucking hated them, Liv! I really, really did, but at the same time, I wanted to believe them! I can't believe I was so stupid to believe them!"

Olivia wasn't sure what to do or say, so she just kept her grip firmly around Casey's shoulders. "You weren't stupid, honey. You weren't stupid." She thought for a minute, then smiled. Casey desperately needed an outlet for all this anger, and Olivia knew the perfect thing to do. "What do you say we go hit some softballs? I saw some batting cages on the drive over here."

As angry as she was, Olivia's comment made her laugh. She shook her head and smiled as she looked over. "Yeah," she said. "I think I'd like that. It might do me some good to vent some of this damn anger."

"Okay then, let's go."

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"Okay, Case," Olivia said once Casey was standing in the batting cage, waiting for the first ball. "Just picture a little bit of your anger and pain disappearing with each time you make contact with that ball."

"Are you trying to shrink my head?" Casey asked, taking a swing and sending the first ball flying across the cage. She smiled proudly at what probably would have been an easy double, had she been in top running form.

"A little. Just do it."

"Yeah, I know…it'll help, right?"

"Maybe."

Casey laughed and turned her attention to the softballs coming at her at 55 miles per hour. She was glad that she had experience in this sport as her bat came in solid contact with every single pitch. After hitting nearly one hundred balls straight, she had to stop. Her hands were too sore to continue. "I should have worn batting gloves," she said as she stepped out of the batter's box."

Olivia laughed and walked with Casey back to turning the bat and helmet. "How do you feel other than sore hands?"

"A lot better, actually." Casey answered, with a small smile on her face. "I think I needed this. Thanks."

Olivia wrapped an arm around her as they walked back to the rental car. "Anytime, Case. I had fun watching you send those softballs flying. Kinda worries me about the next cops versus lawyers softball game we play. You're going to kill us."

"I can only hit them like that if your pitcher throws them right," she said jokingly. If you give me a crappy pitcher who can't get the ball over the plate, you're safe."

"I'll have to remember that."

They climbed into the car and Olivia pulled out onto the highway. She looked over at Casey and smiled proudly, then frowned as Casey turned her gaze out the window. She gave Casey's hand a light squeeze and traced her knuckles with her fingers. "You're going to get through this, Case. I'm not going to lie to you and say it'll be easy, because it won't. I was devastated when my mother died, and you know what she did to me. I know that you're devastated, and that you're feeling stupid for feeling that way, but all of that's normal. It's okay to be upset that they died, and it's okay to be upset that they were alcoholics who never treated you the way you deserved to be treated."

"They missed my eighth grade graduation, my high school graduation, and my college graduation," she said, then rolled her eyes in anger. "They never cared about a single thing I did. Why the hell do I care about them so much?"

"Because they were your parents."

"They sure as hell didn't act like them."

"No, you're right. They didn't. But Case, they _were_ your parents. I understand that you hated them – you had every right to hate them. I hated my mother, too. You also need to understand that it's okay to be upset that they died. I was, too. It's okay, honey, I promise."

Casey finally looked back over at Olivia and smiled gratefully, ignoring the tears that were falling down her cheeks. She swallowed and sighed. "Thank you," she finally managed to say. "You and Alex…I don't think I'd be able to get through this if the two of you hadn't come down her with us. Thank you."

Olivia smiled warmly as she continued driving. "You're one of our best friends, Casey. We'd do anything we could to make sure you're okay, just like we know you'd do the same for us. It's what friends do."

She nodded. "I know, and I thank you for it. You guys mean the world to me. I don't know what I'd do if I lost one of you."

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Alex rolled over in bed, then woke up when she realized Olivia wasn't sleeping next to her. She opened her eyes and tried to scan the darkness of the room, but she couldn't see anything. She started to sit up, then heard a noise coming from the bathroom. "Liv?" she asked worriedly as she walked over and opened the door. She nearly screamed as she saw her sitting on the floor, her face in the toilet. She rushed over and pulled Olivia's hair out of her face. "Hey, honey, it's okay." She started gently rubbing her back. "It's okay."

Olivia dry heaved into the toilet again, then pulled herself out and sat down against the tub. "This sucks so much," she said, then flushed the toilet. "I hate that it keeps happening."

"I do, too, honey," Alex said, then grabbed one of the washcloths from the rack, got it wet, and handed it to Olivia. "Have you been to the doctor yet? This has been going on for a while."

"Not yet."

"Well when we get home, the first thing I'm doing is taking you in. This has got to stop."

"I'm sorry I woke you up. I was trying to throw up quietly."

Alex smiled and continued rubbing her back. "You didn't wake me up. The fact that you weren't lying next to me was what woke me up." She said, then cringed as Olivia threw her face into the toilet and threw up again. "Okay, let it out, honey. Better out than in."

"I hate this," Olivia said, tears finally streaming down her face. She couldn't remember how long it had been since she'd slept through the night without having to get up and vomit into the toilet. "I'm so fucking exhausted."

"I know, sweetie. I know. I'm going to make sure you get to the doctor and we figure out what the hell's wrong. Then we can fix it and you can go back to being the Olivia Benson I know and love."

"Well the first step in doing that is me taking a shower," she said, trying to smile. "I think I'm done throwing up right now but I'm sure I got some on me. I feel gross."

"You don't look gross," Alex assured her. "Do you want me to join you or do you need some time alone?"

Olivia smiled gratefully at the woman sitting beside her. "I would absolutely love for you to join me, but right now, I think I'd rather do it alone. Is that okay?"

Remembering all the times Olivia had been so understanding when she needed to shower alone, Alex nodded and smiled. "Of course that's okay. I'll be in bed waiting for you though. Tonight, I think it's my turn to hold you."

"I promise I won't take too long."

"Take as long as you need, Liv. I'll still be waiting for you."

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As the water sprayed down her face, Olivia started crying. She prayed to a God she didn't know that this wasn't something huge. _Maybe it's just stress_, she thought to herself, though laughed it off. She'd been under much more stress before, and nothing like this had ever happened. She squeezed some soap into her hands and began massaging the front of her body. As she got down to her breasts, she frowned. She thought she felt something with her left hand. She massaged a little harder, and her fear was confirmed. There was a lump on the underside of her left breast, and it wasn't a very small lump, either. _No,_ she thought to herself. _Please, God, no_.

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Ohhhh, I'm evil. Cliffhangers are nasty, eh?


	9. Secrets

Disclaimer: I don't own the Law and Order: SVU characters. Dick does.

I made peanut butter cookies and pesto with cream cheese dip. The cookies are in the pantry and the dip is in the fridge. If you give me nice reviews, I'll be nice and share it!

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It had been two weeks since they returned to Manhattan, and Olivia still hadn't made an appointment to visit the doctor. She and Alex had even gotten into their first (and second, third, and fourth) argument over the issue. Alex continued to demand that she go in, and even volunteered to take off work.

"_I just want to get you into the doctor so we can fix this, Liv!" Alex had argued._

"_I'll make an appointment later," she had argued. _I already know exactly what they're going to tell me_, she thought to herself. "We've really been getting slammed at work and –"_

"_Dammit, Liv, stop making excuses! You're sick!"_

"_And I'll go see the doctor when I have time!"_

Now she was sitting at her desk in the squad room, weighing her options, knowing that the sooner she made that appointment, the better her odds were. Still, she was scared out of her mind. She wanted someone to go with her, but who the hell was she going to call? She didn't want to bring Alex with her – she wasn't ready to share this information with her just yet. Casey had just lost both of her parents, so she was out of the question. She would rather die than ask one of the guys to do it. She debated asking Jess, but she felt awkward doing so, especially since she was Alex's niece, and she was planning on keeping this from Alex for as long as possible. She sighed sadly as she picked up the phone and dialed the only number she felt comfortable dialing.

"Hello."

"Casey?"

"Liv?"

"Can I come over after my shift today?"

Suddenly extremely worried, Casey answered quickly, not knowing what was wrong. "Of course. Are you okay? Do you want me to call in with an emergency so you can leave now?"

Olivia smiled and sniffled slightly. "No, but thanks. I think that was the first time I've smiled all day. Are you sure you're up for some company right now? I know you're still on leave."

"Liv, it's fine, I promise. Please, come over."

Olivia hesitated for several seconds. "Okay," she said softly.

"Olivia, are you sure you're okay?"

"No, but I can pretend for the rest of the day. My shift ends in two hours, so I'll probably be there in two and a half. Is that okay?"

"It's fine."

"Thanks, Case," she said, and hung up. She sighed, relieved that nobody was around to hear her conversation. She hated that she was keeping this from Alex, but she didn't want to scare the woman if this turned out to be nothing. Still, given all the symptoms she was having, she knew it wasn't going to be nothing. It had been difficult in bed, too, trying to keep Alex's hands from her breasts. They had been able to make love, but whenever Alex's hands got too close, Olivia pushed them away. She always made the excuse that she was exhausted or that she just wanted to lay next to Alex, but lately, Alex was starting to get annoyed. Olivia sighed as she tried to concentrate on her paperwork. She desperately wanted to just get this doctor's appointment over with.

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"Come on in," Casey said as she opened the door and Olivia stepped inside. She frowned at the woman she saw in front of her. She obviously wasn't feeling well. "Are you okay? Do you need a glass of water or anything?"

"I can't do this," Olivia said urgently, then turned to make her way to the door.

Casey put a hand on Olivia's shoulder and turned her around. "What? What is it that you can't do?"

"I have to go," she said, turning back around.

"Olivia, stop. Now you obviously came over here for a reason. You sounded terrible on the phone." Casey looked at her sternly and refused to break their eye contact. "What's wrong? Talk to me. You know I'm safe."

Olivia felt her eyes tearing up as she crumbled to the floor. "I…I think…I think I have breast cancer, Case."

"Oh, Liv," Casey said softly as she knelt down and wrapped her arms around the now sobbing detective. "Okay, it's okay," she said, gently rubbing Olivia's back. "It's going to be okay. You're going to get through this, Liv. You're strong, and it's still early, right?"

She nodded slightly. "I don't know how early though. I've been feeling sick for almost two months now. I felt a lump two weeks ago." She looked away and sighed in anger. "I know I should have gone to the doctor right away but, the truth is, I'm terrified."

"Have you talked to Alex yet?"

"No."

"Liv," Casey said sternly. "You need to talk to her."

"Not yet. I want to get to the doctor and find out as much as I can before I do that."

"She needs to know what's going on, Liv."

"I know."

"Come on," Casey said, pulling the woman to her feet. "Let's get you to that doctor, okay?"

Olivia nodded solemnly. "Okay. Let's go."

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"Jess?" Alex asked during her lunch break that afternoon.

"Yeah?"

"When was the last time you spoke with Olivia?"

Jess put her fork down and tried to think. "Um, I think it was a few days ago. Why do you ask?"

Alex frowned and looked down at her desk. "Something's wrong. She won't tell me what's bothering her, but something's really wrong." She looked back up and met Jess' now worried eyes. "She's been sick for weeks now and she refuses to go to the doctor. She barely feels well enough to function through the day and she doesn't really let me touch her anymore. She…she won't talk to me."

"You want me to try talking to her?"

"If you want to. I just don't want her knowing I'm talking about her to our friends."

Jess smirked and nodded. "I'll give her a call tonight, tell her I'm just checking in and thank her for helping me pick out a color scheme for my last project. She won't know you talked to me."

"Thanks, Jess."

Jess smiled modestly. "I'll be discreet, I promise." She looked down at her lunch for several minutes, then looked back up to see that Alex had yet to stop staring at her. She frowned. "Are you okay?"

She nodded and sighed. "I'm just worried."

"Look," Jess said, struggling to find the right words. "If you want to leave and spend some time trying to talk to her, go. I can call people and tell them you're sick or something. I'm sure it'll be okay, even with Casey still out."

Alex shook her head and smiled gratefully. "No. She's just finishing at work right now and apparently Casey is taking her out to dinner or something to thank her for coming to Atlanta." She shrugged and looked down at her paperwork. "Maybe she'll be able to get something out of her."

"Well if she doesn't talk to you tonight, let me know. I'll see if I can get her to talk. She's a stubborn woman."

"Maybe too stubborn."

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"Well, Ms. Benson, I can have the results to you within three days," the doctor told her after performing the biopsy.

At Olivia's request, Casey was sitting in the office with her, holding her hand and trying to offer as much support as she could. She felt terrible asking Casey to do this with her, but at the same time, there was no way she would have been able to do it alone. She smiled at the doctor when she felt Casey lightly squeeze her hand. "What are the treatment options?"

The doctor smiled warmly. "Let's wait until we get the results before we jump into discussing the different treatments."

"No, dammit," Olivia said angrily. "I've been sick for weeks. I don't want to sit at home waiting to hear the news I know I'm going to hear, then have to come back in and start discussing what to do. I want to know now!"

The doctor frowned and turned to look at Casey, giving her an expression that told her she should tell him what to do. She smiled politely, and nodded. "Just tell her what her options are."

He took a moment to look back to Olivia. "Fine. If it's cancer, we can start you on radiation and chemo treatments right now."

"Will I lose my hair?" Olivia asked, her voice starting to shake.

"Possibly," the doctor answered. "Some people do and others don't."

"How long do I have?"

The doctor smiled warmly. "Ms. Benson, judging by the size of the mass, it's still very early. If we start treatment right away, you have a very, very good chance of beating this. You've got friends and family to help you through it?" He looked over expectantly at Casey.

"She's got plenty." Casey answered, wishing the doctor would direct more of his questions to Olivia rather than her.

"Good. Then this should be no problem. I'll have my office call you sometime within the next two or three days to give you the results." He smiled and quickly ushered them out of his office so he could return to his paperwork.

"I really don't like that guy," Casey said once they were out of the hospital.

"He was just doing his job," Olivia said softly.

"Yeah well, he could have been a hell of a lot nicer to you."

"He gets people like me in all the time. It's no big deal."

Casey frowned at Olivia's seemingly beaten form. "Hey," she said, wrapping her arm around the woman. "It's going to be okay, Liv. You heard the doctor. It's still really early. You've got a hell of a lot of people who are going to drive you crazy with their support. You're going to beat this."

"Don't tell Alex," Olivia said suddenly.

"Liv –"

"Please, Case. I just want to get the results first."

"Liv, you need to –"

"Please," she begged, her eyes starting to fill with tears. "Casey, please, don't tell her."

Casey frowned, but reluctantly agreed. "Tell her when the results come in, Liv. She's going to want to support you in this, and she sure as hell deserves to know what's going on."

"I know. I'll tell her."

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She sat at her kitchen table, tears pouring down her cheeks as she put the phone back in the cradle. The doctor had just called, and though she knew what the results were going to be, it was still hard hearing someone say them. As she sat there, trying to make it all disappear, she came to a conclusion that she knew was going to upset everybody around her. She looked up a picture sitting on the mantle over the fireplace. It was one of her and Alex at the zoo. They both looked so incredibly happy and she hated that she was about to destroy everything. Still, her mind was made up. She wasn't going to tell Alex unless she started losing her hair or if she found out there was no way she was going to win this battle. She would just tell her that she was working overtime or something. She looked at the clock. Four – fifteen. Alex would be home in an hour. She dried her tears and started cooking dinner, praying that she could keep her secret for as long as possible. It wouldn't be easy, and she had no idea how she was going to explain it to Alex when she woke up vomiting. Still, she just prayed she could get through this as quickly as possible and, if luck would finally be on her side for a change, she'd be able to get through it without anybody knowing.

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"Well I'm just as stumped as you are," Jess told Alex at lunch one week after their conversation. She had stopped by their house earlier in the week to talk to Olivia about a project. "She's usually a tough nut to crack, but I didn't even begin to push and she started getting angry."

"Dammit, Olivia," Alex said as she brought her hands to her face and rubbed her eyes in irritation. "Well, thanks for trying."

"Hey," Jess said encouragingly. "She'll come around. Keep bugging her about it. If there's one thing I've learned about that woman, it's that if you keep on her, she's bound to crack eventually. She loves you, Alex, and I know you love her just as much. Give her some time, and don't give up."

Alex smiled and shook her head. "There's no way in hell I'm ever giving up on that woman. I love her too much and she's done way too much for me to just walk away now."

"Good."

"I just wish I knew what was bothering her. She's been so sick and I think she's starting to get depressed, which really isn't going to help her get any better. She needs to talk about it so we can help her."

"She will. Give it a little more time, Alex."

"We've started fighting about it."

Jess furrowed her eyebrows and bit her lower lip in concern. "She's been yelling at you for asking her about it?"

"I've been yelling at her to tell me about it, too."

"Are things between you two okay?"

"I thought so. Now I'm not so sure. I hate that she's keeping something from me, and sometimes I swear I would storm out of the damn house if I had a place to go."

"Well, the couch in our living room folds out into a bed, and we've got a spare bedroom. Either one is yours whenever you need it, okay?"

Alex smiled. "Thanks, Jess."

"Just wait a few more days and keep talking to her. If she still won't budge, you can crash with Allen and I."

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"Hey, Liv," Alex said softly as Olivia climbed into bed with her. She wrapped her arms around the detective and pulled her close. She could feel the tension in Olivia's body and she hated that the woman wouldn't say what was bothering her. "I love you so much, Liv. I love you more than anything else in this world."

Olivia felt her eyes watering and she bit her lower lip in an attempt to force the tears back. She swallowed heavily and forced herself to put on a brave front. "I love you, too," she said, though there wasn't much emotion in her voice.

As tempted as she was to come back with an angry response, Alex bit her tongue and squeezed Olivia a little tighter. "Talk to me, honey. Please, tell me what's wrong."

"I'm fine," Olivia said through clenched teeth.

"No you're not, baby. Something's wrong."

"I said I'm fine," Olivia responded, her anger intensifying. _Please, keep asking me. If you keep nagging me, maybe I'll break._

"Okay, well when you want to talk, I'm here."

"Look, I'm fine. Just…just drop it." _No, don't drop. Keep asking me if I'm okay._

"Whatever," Alex answered, removing her arm from around Olivia and turning over so her back was towards her. "Good night."

Tears poured down Olivia's cheeks as she felt Alex pull away from her. She desperately wished she had the strength and confidence to talk to Alex. It bugged her that there was a little voice in the back of her head telling her that she was less of a woman now that she had breast cancer. She curled tighter into a ball and tried to will herself to sleep. She would start her first round of chemo tomorrow, and would be telling Alex that she had to work overtime. If she was lucky, Alex wouldn't call Cragen to verify that. If she wasn't, she was in a hell of a lot of trouble.

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Yes, I'm aware that this chapter is a little shorter than my other ones, but I'm working on the next one even as we speak. I had to end it here for the next one to work…at least for it to work for me. If y'all (yes, I just said y'all, and no, I don't live in the south. I actually haven't lived there in more than 10 years) are lucky, maybe I'll finish it and post it tonight…


	10. Cut the Crap

Disclaimer: I don't own the Law and Order: SVU characters. Dick does.

Okay, it's officially three in the morning and I have to be at work in five hours. Curse you, fanfiction! CURSE YOU!

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The doctor had warned her that the chemotherapy was going to be rough, and she had listened to his every word, but there were no words to describe just how rough it was going to be. As she sat with her face in the toilet, trying to be as quiet as possible, she cursed the world and everything in it. She had closed the bathroom door, trying to keep as much noise from entering the bedroom as possible. When she was sure she was finished for the time being, she rinsed her mouth out and splashed her face, then returned to bed. She held her breath as she felt Alex stirring beside her, but let it out when she realized Alex hadn't awakened. She placed her arm gently around the woman she loved so dearly and sighed. "I love you, Alex. I'm so sorry for all of this."

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"Liv, you look…I don't know, like you're getting your color back somehow," Alex told her three days after her first chemo treatment. "Are you feeling any better?"

"Much, actually," she lied. The truth was, she was starting to feel worse. The doctor had given her some medication to help with the nausea, so she was sleeping much more soundly. Health wise, she was, in fact, starting to feel better. Unfortunately, she was cursing herself every single time she lied to Alex. _Keep pressuring me,_ she silently begged. _I want so badly to tell you, sweetie._

"You seem to be sleeping better these last couple of nights."

"Yeah, I am."

"What'd the doctor say it was?" she asked, then frowned, slightly angry. "And why the hell did you go without telling me?"

"Doc said I caught a little stomach virus. That on top of all the recent stress I've been under lately really did a number on my system," she lied, hating every minute of it.

"And you didn't tell me because?"

Olivia shrugged. "I just didn't want to worry you."

"You didn't want to _worry_ me?" Alex asked angrily. She walked around the kitchen counter so she was standing face to face with Olivia. "God dammit, Olivia, why the hell won't you talk to me? What are you hiding?"

"I'm not hiding anything!" Olivia screamed, cringing inside as she did so.

Alex could see the pain in Olivia's eyes as she uttered the obvious lies. Her heart sank and she couldn't stay angry any longer. She scrunched her face as the tears began to fall. "Honey, please," she begged, hugging her tight. "Please talk to me."

"I have to get to work," Olivia said suddenly, pulling out of Alex's grasp and grabbing her gun and holster from the kitchen counter. "I'll see you later tonight. Have a good day."

Alex shook her head, both in anger and defeat, as she watched Olivia walk out of the house. _What the hell do you want me to do, Olivia? How the hell do you expect me to help you if you won't tell me what's wrong?_

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"Jess, are you okay?" Allen asked worriedly as they crawled into bed and pulled the covers over them. "You seem really tense tonight."

Jess sighed and shook her head. "Alex called me in tears this afternoon. Olivia's been sick for a while but kept refusing to go to the doctor. She finally did two weeks after they got back from Atlanta and apparently she's pretty much better. She went to the doctor without telling Alex about it, and she's picked up some overtime two nights a week. Alex is just convinced something's still wrong…says she can see it in Liv's eyes when they're talking."

Allen pulled her closer and smiled as she rested her head on his shoulder. He rubbed her back gently and combed his fingers through her hair. "Olivia's one hell of a stubborn woman. Still, if something was really wrong, don't you think she'd tell Alex?"

"I don't know, Allen," she said nervously. "I think if it were something easily manageable, she'd tell her, but I think if it were something huge, she'd be afraid to. She's so used to being the strong one and helping Alex through everything. I have a terrible feeling that she wouldn't want to put herself in a vulnerable position and make Alex feel like she had to take care of her."

"You really think she'd keep something like a huge health crisis a secret?"

Jess nodded. "She told me a while back that she hated for Alex to even see her cry because she wanted to be strong for her. I think that if there's something really wrong, she's not going to open up easily."

"Jeez. I didn't realize she felt that strongly about having to be the strong one in the relationship. That can't be easy."

"Yeah well, she'd better come to her senses soon. Alex is starting to lose her patience."

"I'm not surprised. A person can only take so much." He frowned and shook his head. "I hope she comes to her senses soon, too. They've got one hell of a good thing going on, those two. I'd hate to see them lose it over Olivia's stubbornness."

"I told Alex that if things got too bad over there – they've been arguing a lot lately – that she could come over and crash here. I figured we had the extra bedroom and everything."

"Good."

"Even if it's an ungodly hour of the morning?"

He smiled and kissed the top of her head. "Even if it's an ungodly, horrible, terrible hour of the morning."

She looked up and met Allen's eyes. She smiled as she saw him looking lovingly into her own. "I was thinking about something else today," she said, suddenly needing to change to a happier topic. "And I thought I'd talk to you about it."

He raised his eyebrows in anticipation. "Oh? And what might that something be?"

"Babies."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I was thinking today…well, I've actually been thinking since you first broached the idea…but I was thinking that maybe we could, you know, maybe we could start trying for one. We could start right now if you'd like."

"You're ready?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"You wanna have a baby?"

She laughed and playfully smacked his chest. "Dammit, Allen, stop asking me if I'm sure! Yes, I'm sure. I'm positive. I'm not even the least bit conflicted. There, is that a good enough answer for you?"

"We're gonna try for a baby!"

She rolled over so she was on top of him. "Yep. Now lose those boxers."

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"I don't know what to do, Casey," Alex told her at work the following afternoon. "Something's obviously bothering Liv, but she refuses to talk to me about it. I keep pushing her to talk, but we always end up screaming at each other." She looked down sadly and sighed. "She left for work today and it was the first time since she moved in with me that she didn't tell me she loved me. I know that sound stupid but –"

"I'll talk to her," Casey interrupted. While Olivia hadn't spoken to her about the results of the biopsy, judging from Alex's demeanor, Casey was positive what those results were. "I'm pretty good at getting people to crack."

"That's just it, though," Alex said sadly. "I'm _really_ good at getting people to crack, and she's not cracking. No matter how many times I tell her I love her, no matter how many times I beg – with tears running down my cheeks – for her to tell me what's wrong, she won't do it. I don't understand what's going on but I'm starting to go crazy here."

"Okay," Casey said gently. "Can I have your permission to do something?"

"What?"

"Can I yell at her?"

Alex laughed through a few tears. "Yeah, do whatever it takes to get her to talk."

"Good. Because I have a feeling that the woman's going to piss me off so much I may not have any other choice. I'll talk to her, Al, and I'm going to do my best to make sure that she sees exactly what she's going to lose if she doesn't get her act together pretty soon."

"Okay, now you're embarrassing me."

"Nonsense," Casey said matter-of-factly. "If she can't see what she's about to lose, then she's not good enough for you."

"Casey, don't say that."

"It's the truth, Alex."

"I can't picture myself without her. She has done so much more for me than I could have ever expected anyone to do. She has been more patient with me than anyone in their right mind should have been. I need to do the same for her."

Casey walked over and knelt down so she was in front of Alex, looking her in the eyes. "She was patient with you for one hell of a good reason, Alex."

"And who's to say this isn't a good reason?"

Casey briefly looked away. "That's not what I meant. I just meant that, I don't know, that you're being patient with her and not getting anything. When she was patient with you, you returned that patience with love and gratitude. She seems to be returning your patience with anger. It just…seems a little different, that's all."

Alex nodded. She understood what Casey was saying. For a few brief moments during that conversation, she was sure Casey knew something, but she brushed it aside. There was no way two of the most important people in her life would be lying to her at the same time, was there? She shook the idea out of her head and smiled. "Thanks, Case. You're…you're one hell of an incredible friend, do you know that?"

_Not nearly as incredible as you think_, Casey said to herself, hating that she was keeping Olivia's secret. "Well, you're pretty damn good yourself."

"You'll talk to her?"

"I'll talk to her."

"Thanks."

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"You do realize that you're driving her crazy, don't you?" Casey asked angrily. She had invited herself over to Olivia's after Alex had gone to Jess' for dinner. She was angry that Olivia had refused to go, claiming exhaustion and refusing to talk to Alex any more about the issue.

"Casey, just stay the hell out of this, okay?" Olivia said, lying in bed and refusing to turn around and face the woman in her room. "It's none of your damn business anyway."

"Don't you fucking start that shit with me, Olivia!" Casey exclaimed angrily. "You made it my business the second you asked me to come with you to see the doctor. It's my business because I work with Alex. She's miserable right now, Liv!"

Olivia laughed angrily. "Not nearly as miserable as I am."

"What the hell is your problem Olivia?"

"Well right now my problem is that I have a very annoying prosecutor in my room who won't let me get some fucking rest!"

Casey took a deep breath, trying to keep her anger in control as she moved closer to Olivia. "Olivia, talk to me," she said, not quite as gently as she had hoped, but much gentler than Olivia deserved at the moment.

"There's nothing to talk about."

"You got your test results, didn't you?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"Yeah, and you're sure as hell not doing a whole lot to help your situation."

Olivia bolted up into a sitting position and turned angrily so she could face Casey. "And what the hell do you expect me to do to _help my situation_?"

"You can start by letting those that love you help you."

"Yeah, like that's going to happen,"she retorted._ Keep bugging me, Case. I'm almost broken. Please, keep going. You're so close. You're so damn close. Just a few more times, please. I know I won't be able to hold up like this much longer._

"Olivia, cut the crap. You've got more friends and family than most people I know. If you'll let us, we will _all_ support you in this and make sure you get the best damned treatment available." Casey's anger was slowly dissipating and she wrapped an arm around Olivia's shoulders. "You'll have a hell of a better chance if you've got people supporting you than if you try to do this alone."

"Fuck you, Casey," Olivia said, pulling out of Casey's grasp and walking towards the bathroom. "This isn't your problem. It's my problem. Why can't any of you fucking see that?"

Before she knew what she was doing, Casey stood up and smacked Olivia across the face, hard. There was no way there wasn't going to be a mark there in the morning. "Olivia, just shut up and listen to me before I leave," she said, gathering her purse and keys. "Alex loves you more than you could possibly imagine, and she is trying her best to be loving and patient with you, but you're not doing a whole lot to help the situation. I want you to take a good, hard, long look at what you have right now Olivia. You have a girlfriend who would die for you. You have friends who would put their entire lives on hold just to ensure you were okay. I want you to make sure you know that. Alexandra is miserable right now, and it's completely and totally your fault. Let her in, Olivia. Let her in and I promise you this will be okay. Just know that if you keep pushing, you're going to push too far, and you're going to lose her. Think about it, Olivia. Think about what you're going to lose if you keep this up much longer." With that, she turned around and walked out of the house.

Olivia crumpled to the floor in sobs. She had seen Casey angry before, and she had seen Casey angry at her before, but this was a side of the woman that she'd never seen. This was a Casey that was so angry at what was happening to Alex that she was acting like she'd probably never acted before in her life. Olivia brought her hand to her face where she'd been slapped and cried even harder. It was sad that it had come down to this. She hated what she was doing – hated it more than anything. She hated that she was lying to Alex, quite possibly ruining the best thing that had ever happened to her.

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Alex walked into the house and saw Olivia sitting at the table, eating a dinner that she had obviously cooked just for herself. After checking in the kitchen, her feelings were confirmed. Olivia wanted to eat alone, so be it. She could eat later. "I'll be in the shower," she said.

"Okay."

Alex shook her head and walked away angrily. _Why won't you talk to me_? She turned to catch a quick glance at Olivia and frowned as she saw the detective staring into her soup bowl, obviously fighting the tears. She resisted the urge to throw her arms around her and promise that everything would be okay. The last time she had done that the two had gotten into a heated screaming match. Instead, she decided to just let her be, and hopefully talk to her after her shower.

_Come out and talk to me after your shower_, Olivia silently begged. At the same time, however, she hated that she was starting to feel like she could keep lying again. She had taken a shower a few hours after Casey had stormed out, and now she was feeling surprisingly refreshed. _Better yet, maybe you shouldn't come out and talk to me. I'll probably say something I'll regret._

Instead of going out into the dining room and talking to Olivia, Alex walked straight into the kitchen, making sure to avoid eye contact at all times. She quickly microwaved a frozen dinner, then brought it to the bedroom. When she was finished eating, she put the trash on her nightstand and tried to go to sleep. She knew it was useless to even try, but there was no way she was going to leave the bedroom in search of Olivia. If the woman wanted to talk to her, she could come into the bedroom to talk.

It was well past midnight by the time Olivia ventured into the bedroom. As she climbed into bed, she couldn't tell whether or not Alex was awake, so she tried to be as quiet as possible. As soon as the covers were up to her chin, she felt Alex stir.

"Why are you refusing to talk to me?"

"Because there's nothing to talk about."

Alex threw her head back in anger and sat up. "Stop lying to me!"

"I'm not lying to you!"

"Olivia, you're the best damned thing that has ever happened to me and I love you more than you could possibly imagine. I can always tell when something's wrong, and I'm telling you right now that something is very, very wrong. I can see it in your eyes, Liv. Please, talk to me."

Olivia stood up and walked away towards the bathroom. "I have nothing to talk to you about."

Alex stood up angrily and put her hands on her hips. "Dammit, Olivia, look at me!" she screamed as she held up her left hand. "You gave me this ring, remember? You asked me to marry you, and I said yes. I said yes because I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Those marriage vows apply to us, too. Remember the one everyone always exchanges: in sickness and in health? Well that applies to us. Whatever it is, Olivia, it's okay."

"There's nothing wrong with me, so stop fucking asking."

"You asked me to marry you! We're going to exchange our vows in May. In sickness, too, Liv. That's one of the promises. That's one of the promises we're going to make to each other. I promise to love you, always. Please talk to me. You asked me to marry you and –"

"And maybe that was a mistake!" Olivia screamed angrily. _Shit. Why the fuck did I just say that? Please, God, please don't let me have just ruined this_.

Alex felt the color drain from her face and she had to sit back down on the bed because her legs were too weak to hold her up. She waited several moments for an apology, and when she received nothing, she nodded and stood. "Fine. I'll leave then." Again, she waited for a response, but the detective just stood with her back to her. "Call me when you're ready to talk. Until then, don't bother."

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"Allen, wake up," Jess said groggily. "Wake up, Allen. Someone's at the door."

He slowly opened his eyes and groaned. "It's too early to get up, and I'm too tired from all that romping we just did."

Laughing slightly, she slapped him across the face, not too hard, but hard enough to wake him up. "Shut up, Allen. It's three – thirty and someone's at the door. Come answer it with me. I don't want to go alone."

"Mmmm," he groaned. "Just bring a baseball bat. You'll be fine."

"Some husband you are," she said, pulling him out of bed and dragging him down the hall. "We don't even own a baseball bat." She slowly opened the door, cursing the fact that they didn't have a peephole, and nearly screamed when she saw Alex standing there. It was pouring out, and it looked like Alex had been walking for a while in it. Her clothes were completely soaked and she was obviously crying harder than Jess had ever seen her before. She quickly threw her arms around her and pulled her inside. "Alex, honey, what's wrong?"

"She – she – she hates me," she sobbed.

Jess turned to look at Allen. "Put a pot of water on to boil. We're going to need some tea." She then turned her attention back to Alex and tried desperately to make eye contact. "Honey, what happened? What's wrong?"

"She told me she didn't want to get married!"

_I swear to God I'm going to fucking kill that woman before this is all over_. She slowly led Alex into her room and grabbed a set of dry pajamas for her. "Okay, honey, it's going to be okay. I promise you, Alex, it's going to be okay."

"I can't live without her, Jess!"

Jess bit her lower lip in an attempt to fight the tears. "This isn't over yet, Alex. I promise you I'm going to see that she knows exactly what she's losing, okay? I promise you that I'll be right here, with you, no matter what. It's going to be okay." She was finally successful in meeting Alex's eyes, and kept the contact as she pulled Alex's wet clothes off of her. The woman was too distraught to do it herself. As she removed her shirt, Alex's hands immediately went to cover her stomach. Jess smiled comfortingly and kept the eye contact as she slowly pulled a dry shirt onto her. "It's okay, honey. It's me. It's okay." She helped Alex into dry pants and put her wet clothes into the dryer. "Come on, Allen has tea waiting for you."

"What am I supposed to do, Jess?"

"Right now, you're going to have a cup of tea, and you're going to get some rest. We'll figure out what to do tomorrow."

They grabbed their cups and went into the living room. As soon as Allen saw them sit on the couch, he went into the bedroom, sure that if Jess needed his help with Alex, she would call him. He was proud of the woman he was married to, and there was no doubt in his mind that she would at least get Alex through this night.

Alex had barely taken two sips of her tea before she collapsed into sobs. Jess pulled her into a tight hug and gently rubbed her back. "I love you, Alex," she said. "No matter what happens in all of this, please know that. Please know that I love you."

"Thank you," Alex said through her tears.

"Don't thank me. Just believe me."

"I do. I'm just terrified of losing her, Jess. I'm terrified. She has gotten me through so much and now she won't even let me get her through this one thing!"

Jess had no idea what to do or say. She just continued rocking Alex back and forth until the woman fell asleep. She grabbed a pillow, put it in her lap, and guided Alex's head onto it. She pulled a blanket over the two of them and started combing her fingers through Alex's hair. "I'm going to talk to her," she said softly. "And I promise you I will make her see what she's doing to you. I'm going to get you through this, Alex, I promise. I love you so much. Try to get some sleep." She leaned her head back and pulled out the foot rest for herself. She knew Allen would come out and check on them, and she prayed he wouldn't try to wake her and ask her to come back to bed. Tonight, and for as long as was needed, she planned on making sure Alex got a good night's sleep. The woman was going to need it if she was going to get up and try to pull her relationship back together.

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Okay, there you go. Two chapters in less than twenty – four hours. Now I have to go to sleep. I have to be at least semi coherent if I'm going to deal with toddlers all day tomorrow…or, rather, today.


	11. We Have to Fix This

Disclaimer: I don't own the Law and Order: SVU characters. Dick does.

All of you officially rock. I've not been having the greatest time lately (work sucks, we bought a house without selling the one we live in, and I was an idiot and registered for 18 credits for this Fall…) but you all are definitely keeping me going. Thank you!

Also, thank you to those who keep pointing out my idiotic mistakes. I really, really appreciate it. I want you guys to tell me when I mess up. If you don't tell me, I won't know, and I won't be able to fix it.

I have incense that I bought from a seedy little store in Chinatown burning about two feet away from me right now. I think it's doing odd things to my mental status. I apologize now for any oddities in this chapter…

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_She was chasing someone, though who that someone was, she wasn't sure. The fog was so thick that she could barely see two inches in front of her. It was like she was running after an unknown entity, yet she knew that she had to reach this person. Time was running out and she had to do it fast. She was running as fast as she could, arms straight in front of her, chasing a person that seemed just beyond her grasp. Each time she seemed to get a little bit closer to finally grabbing the person in front of her, that person seemed to suddenly get a jolt of energy and pull ahead once again._

_Finally, after running for what seemed like forever, her hand came into contact with the person's shoulder. She tried to grab the person's shoulder, but failed, and instead caught a handful of the shirt. She pulled the person towards her. The person stumbled a few steps before finally falling to the ground. She stood over the fallen person and turned her over, and then screamed. It was Olivia, and she was dead. The thing that terrified her, however, was that it wasn't the fall that had killed Olivia. There wasn't a mark on her. It was something much, much worse, but what that something was, she had no idea. All she knew was that if she had gotten to her just a few seconds earlier, she'd have been able to stop it. She'd have been able to save her._

Alex bolted upright and fell right off the couch, hitting her knee on the coffee table. It took her a few seconds for it to sink in that everything she had just seen was only a nightmare. She took several deep, slow breaths, before standing and making her way to the kitchen to fix herself a glass of ice water. She was drenched in sweat and having trouble catching her breath. _You'd think I'd been running all over the place,_ she joked silently. After taking a few sips, she made her way back out into Jess' living room and sat down on the couch. It was the fourth night she'd spent here at Jess', and she didn't see herself going home anytime soon. Olivia still refused to tell her anything, and had just started refusing to speak to her the day before. No mater how much she tried to argue with Olivia, she never got anywhere. Olivia had flat out refused to talk to her the last time she had called. She'd hung up as soon as she realized it was Alex on the other end. Jess was incredibly understanding and had originally given her the guest bedroom, but earlier that night she'd had such a frightening nightmare that she'd woken up and thrown up all over the bed sheets. They were currently in the washer and there wasn't another set that would fit her bed. She had insisted that the couch would be fine for her, which was the truth. To her relief, Jess hadn't been the least bit upset. In fact, she had been surprisingly caring and concerned. She took another sip of water and smiled slightly. _I have no idea what I would be doing right now if it weren't for you, Jess_, she said silently.

She turned on the television and kept the volume low. She had woken Jess the last three nights, screaming from her nightmares, and she refused to do it again. Yes, Jess had been more than willing to sit with her until she fell asleep – once staying in a very uncomfortable position for the rest of the night to ensure that she got some rest – but she refused to let it happen again. She was a guest and she hated that she was inconveniencing Allen and Jess so much. _Maybe I'll start looking for an apartment tomorrow_, she thought to herself, though she hated the idea. It terrified her to think about a future without Olivia. Still, she had to start preparing herself for that possibility. If Olivia didn't open up soon, that was what was going to happen. She wasn't sure how much longer she could keep living like this.

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"Steve," Casey said solemnly at dinner that night. "I need to ask your advice about something, and I need your honest opinion."

He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion as he looked at her. "You look upset. What's wrong?"

She shifted uncomfortably in her chair. "I, um…I have some information that could possibly put a very good friend at ease, which she desperately needs right now."

"But there's a problem?"

"Yeah. She's a complete wreck right now and she really deserves to know what's going on. At the same time, however, by telling her, I'd be betraying another friend's trust," she said, trying not to give anything away. She desperately wanted to tell Alex what was going on with Olivia, but at the same time, she kind of understood Olivia's apprehension, and she didn't want to betray her trust.

Steve shook his head, unable to understand what she was trying to tell him. "Case, you've gotta give me a little more than that if you want my advice. Why don't you just tell me what's wrong? I promise not to say anything."

"Because you know both of these people."

He frowned at her seemingly defeated form. She was obviously at a complete loss for what to do and it was tearing her up inside. He reached over and took her hand, squeezing it gently. "Talk to me, Case. It's just me, and I promise that I won't say anything."

She took a deep breath and nodded. She needed to talk to someone about this. "Okay," she agreed, "But you've got to swear that you won't tell anyone what I'm about to tell you."

"I won't, I promise."

"I mean it, Steve. This can't get out that I'm telling you this."

"Casey, relax. I'm not going to tell anyone, I promise."

"Okay, um, well," she started, unable to believe that she was about to do this. "I um, I went to the doctor with Olivia a few weeks ago. She'd been feeling sick for a few weeks and finally agreed to go see what was wrong. She, um, she found a lump on her breast, and a few days after our visit, it was confirmed." She looked up at Steve, tears now running down her cheeks. "Liv has breast cancer, Steve."

"Oh my God," he said, completely surprised by the news. Never in a million years could he have expected something like this to happen to Olivia Benson. He looked over at Casey and frowned, finally understanding the dilemma. "She hasn't told Alex, has she?"

She shook her head sadly. "She hasn't said a word to her. She keeps insisting that she's okay and she's lying to Alex when she says where she is during her chemotherapy treatments." She shook her head and looked at her untouched dinner. "Alex is a complete wreck right now, Steve. Olivia's been saying some things that I know she doesn't mean, and Alex left. She's spent the last four nights at Jess'."

"Damn," he said, trying to figure out how this could have happened. "After everything those two have been through, you'd think they'd be able to make it through something like this."

"Yeah, well, I'd really like to know what I'm supposed to do in this situation. I love them both and I don't want to hurt either one of them." She sighed and bit her lower lip, trying to come up with a plan. "If I tell Alex, I'll be betraying Olivia. If I don't tell her, I'll be betraying her." She looked up and closed her eyes. "I have to tell her," she said finally. "Alex deserves to know."

He nodded in agreement. She was right. Alex deserved to know, and it would turn out a hell of a lot better if Casey told her now, rather than waiting for her to find out on her own, and know that Casey had known all along. "You should try talking to Olivia once more though, just to make sure she knows that you're going to tell Alex."

"She's going to hate me."

"Maybe at first, but Case, you've gotta tell Alex. This whole situation sucks, but she deserves to know. Olivia will understand that. Maybe not right away, but she'll come to her senses." He took her hand and squeezed gently. "Talk to Liv again, and maybe bring Jess with you. Maybe the two of you can knock some sense into her –"

"I already hit her once."

Steve raised his eyebrows in surprise and smiled. "Well maybe she needs to be hit again. Either way, you need to talk to her. Tell her that if she doesn't talk to Alex soon, you're going to do it, and if that's the way it has to be, then that's the way it has to be."

She smiled sadly and nodded, accepting what he was saying. "Thanks for listening to me ramble. Sorry to be such a downer during dinner."

"Hey," he said gently. "It's okay. What are husbands for anyway?" he laughed and shook his head. "Give Jess a call after we eat, see if she can get Allen to take Alex out tomorrow or something. Then maybe the two of you can have a little conversation with Olivia."

"Yeah, I'll give her a call."

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She and Alex had just sat down on the couch to watch a movie when the phone rang. She rolled her eyes and looked apologetically over at Alex. "I'll be right back," she said as she stood up and answered the phone. "Hello?"

"Please just answer me with yes or no answers. I don't want Alex to know I'm calling you right now," Casey said quickly. "Don't even say my name, understand?"

Completely taken aback by the hurriedness in Casey's voice, Jess took a moment to answer her. "Uh, yeah, okay."

"Good. Now, is Alex sitting right there?"

"Yes."

"Can you go somewhere that she won't hear you? Tell her it's a business call or something, I don't care. I just need to speak to you in private. I promise it won't take long."

"Um, okay. Hang on." She turned back to Alex and frowned. "It's a client. I have to take down some information. Go ahead and start the movie. I'll be right back." She walked quickly into her bedroom and closed the door. "Okay, Case, what is it?"

Casey sighed. "I was wondering if maybe you'd be willing to talk to Olivia with me tomorrow?"

"I already tried yesterday. I got about three words into my first sentence before she hung up on me," Jess said sadly. She looked over at her closed door, knowing the state of the woman sitting just outside in the living room. She sighed into the phone. "If you think maybe the both of us together would work, I'm game. Alex is a wreck right now and I'm willing to do anything to fix this."

"Okay, well, see if you can convince Allen to take Alex out to a movie or something. If not, you've gotta find a way to get out of the house for a little while. I want to catch Olivia at home. There's no way she's going to come over to one of our places."

"Okay, what time do you want to do it?"

Casey thought for a few seconds. "How about you meet me at my place at ten? I'll drive over there." She smiled slightly. "Your car's loud as hell. There's no way we'd be able to sneak up on her in it."

"You're right," Jess answered, laughing. "Okay. I'll think of a way to get out of here without Alex getting suspicious. I'll see you tomorrow morning."

"We have to fix this, Jess."

"We will." With that, she hung up and returned to the living room. Alex was sitting on the couch, still waiting for her. She smiled and shook her head. "I told you to start the movie without me."

"Nonsense," Alex answered, with what looked like the first real smile on her face since she arrived at Jess'. "You were the one who suggested we get this movie because you'd never seen it. I wasn't about to start it without you. Now get your ass over here so we can finish it before I fall asleep."

Jess walked over and took a seat next to Alex on the couch. She grabbed two mint Oreos and pressed play. As she leaned back and started to relax, she felt Alex lean her head on her shoulder. She smiled and wrapped her arm around the woman. "I'm surprised you wanted to see Benchwarmers. It doesn't seem like the kind of movie you'd enjoy."

Alex shrugged. "Anything to take my mind off of what's going on right now. Besides, you seemed to really want to see it. You're putting up with me and I know that can't be easy. I wanted to get a movie you'd want to see."

Jess smiled and gave her a friendly squeeze as the movie started. "Well, next time we get a movie, it's your choice."

"Deal."

"And I'm not 'putting up with you'," she said softly. "I'm letting you live in my house right now while you try to figure out how to fix this thing with Olivia. It's not a problem, Alex."

"It still can't be easy."

Jess smiled and bent her head so she made eye contact with Alex. "The only thing that's not easy about this is seeing you hurt. Letting you live here…that's easy."

Alex forced a small but grateful smile. "Well, thanks."

"You're welcome, now watch the movie."

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"How much longer do you think she's going to be able to do this?" Jess asked Allen that night.

Allen sighed sadly and wrapped an arm around Jess, pulling her against him. "I don't know," he answered. "But I don't think anyone could hold up much longer. She's one hell of a tough woman, but nobody's that tough."

Jess nodded in agreement. "I know. Casey and I are going to go talk to Olivia tomorrow morning. Maybe we'll be able to get through to her." She paused for several seconds. "I just wish I knew what was going on. I wish I knew how to help."

"Baby, you are helping," Allen said encouragingly. "Alex came here because she feels safe here. She wouldn't have felt that way if it weren't for you. She trusts you, and she loves you." He kissed her lightly on the top of the head and smiled. "Believe me, Jess, you're helping her a lot right now."

She sighed. "I just feel so helpless. She's hurting so much right now."

"But you're about to try – yet again – to fix that. She's going to appreciate that, believe me."

She hesitated momentarily. "Um, about that, Allen…I was wondering if maybe you could keep an eye on Alex tomorrow? You don't have to do anything with her but just make sure that she's okay. Casey asked me not to tell her what we're up to. I'm not sure why just yet, but I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. Just…don't tell Alex what we're doing."

He nodded and hugged her tightly. "I'll keep my mouth shut for as long as you girls need me to. Just know that I love Alex just as much as you do, so I'm not going to just sit around while she's hurting. I'm getting some mint Oreos and we're watching as many comedies as we possibly can."

Jess smiled and snuggled against him. "I love that you're this caring, Allen. You're amazing. Thank you for being so understanding about all of this. I know it's not easy with me getting out of bed at horrid hours to calm her down."

"Don't apologize, honey. I love that you're doing this for her."

"You do?"

"Of course I do. It only further proves that I was absolutely right when I realized how much I love you. You are by far the most caring, considerate, helpful woman I know, and I love you so much."

"I love you, too, Allen. Thank you for putting up with this."

"Thank you for putting up with me," he said, smiling. "Get some sleep, honey. You're going to need to be well rested if you're going to try to deal with Olivia in the morning."

"Yeah, I'm not looking forward to it at all."

"Just think of how much you could end up helping them."

She sighed as she closed her eyes. "That's the only thing that's keeping me going right now."

He kissed her again and closed his eyes. "I love you, Jess. Get some rest."

"I love you, too. Good night."

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"So how'd you manage to get out of the apartment without Alex getting suspicious?" Casey asked Jess once they pulled into Olivia's driveway.

"Told her I was going over details with the client who called last night."

"And she bought it?"

Jess shrugged. "Seemed to."

"Good." Casey took a deep breath and looked up at the house. "I guess I should talk to you before we barge in on her."

Jess furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, then dropped her jaw in surprise as she figured out what Casey was saying. "Oh, God, Casey, you know what's wrong, don't you?"

Casey nodded. "Yeah. I know."

"What is it? What's wrong?"

Casey took a deep breath and held it for several seconds before letting it out slowly. "Before I get into it, please understand that I hated keeping this from Alex. I wanted so badly to tell her everything."

"Then why didn't you?" Jess asked, more out of curiosity than anger, though there was definitely anger present in her voice.

Casey sighed guiltily. "Because I promised Olivia I wouldn't. She kept telling me that she'd talk to Alex soon, but it doesn't look like she's going to do that. Alex is absolutely miserable at work, and I'm assuming she's just the same at your place?" When Jess nodded, confirming her suspicions, Casey continued. "Okay. Well, I don't really know any other way to do this so I'll just be blunt. Jess, Liv has breast cancer."

"What?"

Casey nodded. "She's suffering so much, and she refuses to tell anyone about it."

"Oh, God."

"I know. I feel so bad kicking her when she's already down, but she's doing this to herself. The doctor told us that the more friends and family she has backing her and supporting her, the better her chances. She's been going to chemo and everything, but I don't think she's told anyone. She can't do this alone, Jess, but at the same time, she can't keep doing this to Alex."

Jess took several deep breaths, trying to assess the situation and figure out how to approach Olivia. "This really sucks," she said as she stepped out of the car. "I don't want to go in there and just start yelling at her. She's obviously hurting. At the same time though, we need to knock some sense into her."

Casey smirked. "I already tried that. It didn't work."

"You hit her?"

"Just don't be alarmed if she has a rather large red mark on her right cheek."

Jess smiled approvingly. "Well we might just have to do that again if this starts to go south." They arrived at the doorstep and she took a deep breath. "You ready to do this?"

"As ready as I'll ever be."

"Okay. Let's do it."

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	12. Intervention

Disclaimer: I don't own the Law and Order: SVU characters. Dick does.

It's gonna be a long one.

The incense is still burning…

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As soon as Olivia opened the door and saw Jess and Casey standing on the other side, she tried to close it quickly. Unfortunately for her (or, maybe, fortunately…she wasn't sure), they wouldn't let her close the door. Casey stepped in first, followed by Jess.

"Not so fast, Benson," Casey said angrily as she stepped inside. "This is an intervention."

"Go away."

"No."

"Dammit, Casey, just leave! You and Jess have no right to just barge in on me like this!"

Jess angrily shoved Olivia's shoulders, causing her to fall back against the wall. "And you have no right to do what you're doing to Alex, yet here we are, doing things we apparently have no right to do."

"Fuck you."

"Thanks. Now hear us out. We're not planning on staying here long anyway."

"Good."

Casey rolled her eyes angrily and dragged Olivia through the bedroom and into the room that had been added while Alex and Olivia had been on the cruise. "Look at her, Olivia," Casey said angrily as she shoved Olivia towards a picture of the two women sitting happily on a park bench. "You see how happy she is there? Do you have any idea just how much a part you played in getting her to that place?" Casey spun Olivia around so they were facing each other. "She loves you, Olivia. She loves you more than you could possibly imagine, and what you're doing right now – it's killing her."

Olivia smirked. "Not as much as it's killing me…literally."

This time it was Jess' turn to be angry. She walked over and forced Olivia to look at all the other pictures on the walls. She pressed play on the CD player so that Olivia could hear the song she always sang to Alex when Alex was upset. "I thought you loved her, Olivia. I really thought you loved her."

"I do!" Olivia screamed, her eyes wide with the shock of Jess' words. "I love her more than anything else in this entire world!" _I'm almost there. Keep going. I'm almost there._

"Well you sure have a funny way of showing it."

Before she knew what she was doing, Olivia's anger got the best of her and she slapped Jess across the face, hard. It was hard enough to send Jess flying into the wall, knocking over a picture on her way down. "You have no idea how I feel about that woman," Olivia seethed.

Casey bent down and helped Jess back up to her feet. "Okay, Olivia, we're here on Alex's behalf, not yours. The two of you have one of the best relationships I've ever seen, and I'm not letting you give up on it just because you're too damn scared to tell her you have breast cancer."

"Don't you dare tell her!"

Casey laughed angrily. "And why the hell shouldn't I? She deserves to know why you're being such a bitch to her."

"How the hell am I being a bitch?"

Jess shook her head and sighed. "You want to know how you're being a bitch? Listen up, Liv. You're not speaking to her right now, and she has no idea why. You were lying to her when you told her you were working overtime, and she knew it. She's convinced you hate her and that you're most likely cheating on her. She wakes up four or five times a night…four or five times _every single night_ crying, wondering what it was that she did wrong to push you away. She's blaming herself for this, Liv, and she didn't do a damn thing wrong."

"She accused me of cheating?" Olivia asked, angry that an accusation such as that would even have come into play. "Who the hell does she think she is? She knows I would never cheat on her!"

"Olivia Benson would you shut up for two seconds and actually listen to what I'm saying to you?" Jess screamed. "She has no idea what's going on with you. All she knows is that you're lying when you're saying you're working overtime. She knows something's wrong, but you won't tell her what it is. What the hell else is she supposed to think?"

Olivia's face fell and she allowed a few tears to fall. "She still shouldn't have accused me of cheating," she said softly, her façade finally beginning to break. "I would never cheat on her."

As Olivia sunk to the floor, Casey sat down beside her and wrapped an arm around her. "I think, deep down, she knows that, Liv, but right now, she's scared. She has no idea what's going on and her mind is running wild with possibilities."

Jess sat down and gently placed her hand on Olivia's shoulder. "You've gotta tell her, Liv," she said encouragingly. "We'll come with you if you want, but you've gotta tell her. She deserves to know, Liv." Jess gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze and tried to smile warmly. "She's going to support you in this, I promise. She loves you."

The tears were coming. She could feel them. She was desperate to get Casey and Jess out of the house before she let them fall. The only way she was going to be able to do that was if she got angry, though she knew she would have no problem doing that. She pulled away from their grasp and walked to the door, opening it and looking at them expectantly. "You two can leave now," she said once they didn't immediately get up and leave.

Jess and Casey stood up angrily. Casey walked over to her and got as close to Olivia as she possibly could, making sure to lock eyes with the angry detective. "I'm giving you two days, Olivia. Two days. After that, I'm telling her."

"You'd choose her over me? You've known me longer than you've known her!"

"I'm not even going to justify that with a response. Just know that I'm going to tell her in two days if you haven't already." She turned to look at Jess and tilted her head, indicating that it was time to go. "We've done all we can here. If she's going to stay this stubborn, we're not going to be able to change it."

Jess took one last, sad look at Olivia before she left. "Talk to her, Liv. You're welcome at my place whenever you want. Please, talk to her. The two of you…you're too perfect for each other to let this ruin it. My phone will be on, no matter what time it is. Call me when you're ready to talk." With that, she turned to Casey and followed her out of the house, both praying that they had at least convinced Olivia to think about it.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Oh my God, Jess, what the hell happened to your face?" Alex asked as soon as Jess walked into the apartment. Alex immediately went to the freezer and pulled out an ice pack. She frowned as she handed it to her. "I thought you were visiting a client. Did you really dislike their color scheme that much that they had to hit you?"

Jess had to smile at Alex's words as she took the ice pack and gently placed it on her cheek, wincing slightly at the sudden cold. She looked up and shook her head. "I, um, I kind of lied to you about where I went."

"What?"

She nodded. "Casey and I went to try to knock some sense into Olivia."

"Oh my God, and she hit you?"

"Yeah," Jess said sadly. She wanted so desperately to tell Alex what was wrong, but at the same time, Alex deserved to hear it from Olivia. She hated that she was lying, only further proving that there was one more person in this world that Alex couldn't trust. It pained her to lie like this. She forced a smile and pressed the ice pack a little harder on her face. "It's okay though."

"Jess, I'm so sorry. You and Casey…you really don't need to do all of this for me."

Jess wrapped an arm around Alex's shoulder and sat down with her on the couch. She took several deep breaths before opening her mouth to speak again, not really sure if she was making the right decision in saying what she was about to say. "Alex, you're one of our best friends," she started, figuring it was good to start out praising the woman she was betraying. "We want to do everything in our power to ensure that you're okay, just like we know you'd do the same for us."

Alex furrowed her eyebrows and cocked her head in confusion. There was something in Jess' voice that told her Jess was rambling while she thought of how to tell her something. "Jess, if you know something, just tell me."

"How the hell are you so good at that?"

"Because I'm a lawyer. I have to be able to tell when people are hiding something." She frowned and met Jess' eyes. "Jess, what are you not telling me?"

Jess sighed and closed her eyes momentarily. She took Alex's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "You're probably going to hate me for this, and I want you to know that I only found out this morning."

"You only found out what?" Alex asked worriedly.

"I know what's wrong with Olivia."

"What?" Alex screamed, standing up and pulling away from Jess.

Jess closed her eyes, cursing herself. "Alex, I swear to you that I only just found out."

"How?"

"Casey."

"She knows, too?"

"Yeah," Jess said, unable to make eye contact with Alex. She was too ashamed to do something like that.

"So you're all in this against me?"

"Oh, God, Alex, absolutely not," Jess insisted. She took a deep breath. "Casey's known for a while. She told me that the only reason she hasn't said anything to you is because she promised Olivia she wouldn't after Olivia promised her to tell you. Trust me, Alex, she really wanted to tell you. Hell, after she told me this morning I wanted to come straight over here to tell you."

Alex felt her eyes tearing as she slowly sat down, giving Jess the chance to explain everything. "Why didn't you? Casey's known how miserable I am for a while now. Why didn't she say anything?"

"I don't know. I think she wanted to give Olivia the chance to tell you – see if she could do it herself."

"Well that's obviously not going to happen."

"That's why Casey and I went over there today. We're sick and tired of this."

Alex's jaw dropped. "You're sick of me staying here? Why didn't you just say something? I would have left immediately!"

"What? Alex that's not at all what I meant," Jess said, completely taken aback by Alex's reaction. She hesitantly took Alex's hand and smiled when Alex didn't pull away. "We're sick of what she's doing to you. I'm not at all sick of _you_. You're more than welcome here, Alex. We were just…we hated seeing what was happening. We wanted to make sure she knew what she was going to lose if she kept this up."

Alex smiled weakly as a few tears fell down her face. "You went there to tell her that?"

"You bet we did. You're an incredible woman, Alex. If she can't see that, we're going to make her see it."

"Jess?"

"Yeah, Alex?"

"What's wrong with Liv? What is she hiding?"

Jess took a deep breath and frowned. "Okay, here's the deal," she said hesitantly. "When Casey and I talked to her, Casey told her that if she didn't tell you in two days, then time was up. She's planning on telling you in two days, assuming Olivia hasn't come to her senses." She paused for a few seconds before continuing. "Now, if you want, I'll tell you right now. All I want you to understand is that Casey wanted to give Olivia one more chance to tell you herself." Jess looked up and tried to discern what was going through Alex's mind, though the task was impossible. "What do you want me to do, Alex? Do you want me to tell you now?"

Alex thought for several seconds. She had no idea what to say. Jess and Casey knew something – something that had been killing her for days now. Casey had even known for a while. That hurt a lot, but in a way, she could understand why they did what they did. They loved Olivia, too, and they knew that she would rather hear what was wrong from Olivia than from the two of them. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "You promise to tell me in two days if she doesn't?"

"I'll tell you right now if that's what you want."

"I want to hear it from her."

Jess nodded. "I want you to hear it from her, too."

"Okay," Alex said hesitantly. "Give her two days. If she doesn't talk to me by then, tell me."

"You sure?"

She shook her head. "Not really," she answered honestly. "But I think I'll be able to hold it together if I hear it from her. I need her to trust me if this thing is going to work."

"Are you mad at me?"

Alex smiled warmly. "No," she answered. "I'm glad you told me you knew. I'll have to have a little talk with Casey tomorrow at work, but I don't even think I'm that mad at her either." She swallowed and wiped away a tear. "I think I love you guys too much to be mad at you for this."

"Well I can tell you right now that we both pretty much hate ourselves for keeping this from you."

"And I think that's one of the reasons I love you so much," she said gratefully. "You're doing what I know is right for mine and Olivia's relationship, but you're also not forgetting what's happening." She smiled and put a hand on Jess' leg. "Besides, you're letting me crash at your place and you _never_ get upset when I wake you up in the middle of the night. I don't think I have it in me to be angry at you."

Jess smiled and wrapped her arms around Alex. "I'm glad you trust me enough to let me do this for you. I'm so sorry, Alex. I wish I had been able to talk to Olivia sooner, maybe found out sooner what was wrong."

Alex shook her head and gave Jess a comforting half – smile. "You couldn't have done anything differently. What's done is done, and I know that one way or another, I'm going to find out what's wrong. I just hope she can set aside her pride for two seconds and tell me."

"You and me both, Alex. You and me both."

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"So Jess tells me that the two of you know what's wrong with Olivia," Alex said bluntly as Casey took a seat at her desk. "Care to tell me why you haven't told me that you've been hiding this for days?"

Casey had no idea how to respond. She sat down in her chair slowly and swallowed several times before finding her voice. "She, um…what exactly did she tell you?" she asked, not wanting to give up too much information.

"She told me that the two of you know what's wrong, and that you've known for some time now."

"Alex, I…I don't know –"

"She didn't tell me _what_ was wrong." Alex paused, trying not to let her anger get the best of her. "I understand that you wanted to wait and see if Olivia was going to tell me, but I just…why didn't you tell me you knew?"

Casey allowed a few tears to fall as she tried desperately to salvage a friendship that she was sure she had just ruined. "I just…I went with Olivia to the doctor because she was terrified of bringing you. She didn't want you to find out what it was and worry about her. She just…she has so much damn pride and she refuses to set that aside and let other people help her." She took a deep breath and tried to compose herself. "I just, I knew that if you heard it from me, it would really hurt the both of you because it didn't come from her. I hated keeping it from you, I really did, but I wanted her to be able to tell you. When Jess told me you'd been crashing at her place for the last few nights and that you weren't sleeping well, I had to put a stop to it. I had to talk to her. I just…I don't know…I'm really, really sorry."

Alex nodded, accepting the apology. "Thank you."

"What?"

"Thank you."

"You're not firing me?"

Alex laughed and shook her head. "I don't have the power to do that."

"You have the power to convince our bosses to fire me."

"True," Alex said, smiling. "But why on earth would I want to do that?"

"Because of what I did."

Alex nodded and sighed. "Okay, here's the deal, Case. I'm angry about what you did. I'm not going to lie. But I also understand why you did it, and I appreciate your apologizing. I know why you did what you did, Case. I'm glad you wanted me to hear it from Olivia."

Casey hesitated for a few seconds, completely blown away by Alex's forgiveness. "I just…I know that – that you didn't…you didn't get to tell me about what happened to you," she said softly. "I saw how much that hurt you, and I didn't want to see that happen to Olivia. I know that it's completely absurd, but I didn't want her to not be able to tell you."

"Casey?"

"Yeah?" she asked, tears now streaming down her face.

"Come here."

Casey walked hesitantly over to Alex and was surprised when she felt the woman wrap her arms around her. She slowly wrapped her arms around Alex. "What's with the hug?"

"You looked like you needed one."

Casey laughed and pulled away, being sure to make eye contact with Alex. "I'm surprised you're so willing to hug me. I was sure when I came in today that you were at least going to scream at me for a few minutes."

Alex shook her head, a large smile appearing on her face at Casey's words. "I thought about doing that, believe me. I guess I just…when I saw you walk in, I couldn't bring myself to do it. You had your reasons for doing what you did, and I understand them."

"Are we okay?"

"Yeah," Alex answered, giving her shoulders a comforting squeeze. "We're okay."

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Two days passed, and Alex hadn't heard a word from Olivia. She'd tried calling her once, but when Olivia hung up on her, she decided not to try again. She debated begging Jess to just get it over with and tell her what was wrong, but at the same time, she desperately wanted Olivia to tell her herself. "Do you think maybe you could go try talking to her one last time?" she asked hesitantly at breakfast that morning.

Jess bit her lower lip nervously and looked down at her scrambled eggs for several seconds. "I can try one more time if you want."

Alex shrugged and tried to fight the tears. "I just…I really, really want to hear it from her, you know? I want to make sure we've tried as hard as we possibly can before we give up."

"Okay. I'll go see what I can do."

"You…you'll tell me if she won't, right?"

Jess nodded. "Yeah, Alex. I promise. One way or another, you're going to find out everything.

"Thank you."

"Don't thank me yet."

Alex managed a weak smile. "I'm thanking you for everything you've already done, and I'll thank you even if it's you who's telling me what's going on."

Jess nodded, but didn't trust herself enough to speak at that moment. She slowly cleared the breakfast dishes and loaded them into the dishwasher, making sure to take as much time as possible without appearing suspicious. She was dreading going over to Olivia's again. Still, it was in Alex's best interest for her to do this, so she really had no choice. It was now or never. She just hoped she could convince Olivia to do the right thing.

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"Okay, Olivia," Jess said as she sat down on the couch in Olivia's living room. "I'm giving you this one last chance. Casey knows I'm here, so she's not going to tell Alex until I go home and tell her she can."

"Why do you insist on showing up here all the time?" Olivia asked angrily. _Thank you, Jess. I think I might really be ready. I just need you to push a little more._

"Because I know that, deep down, you really want to tell her."

"What makes you say that?"

"I can see it in your eyes." Jess smiled and gently placed her hand on Olivia's knee. "Will you at least tell me why you keep refusing to talk to her about this?"

Olivia closed her eyes as a few tears fell down her cheeks. "I'm scared," she muttered quietly.

_Now we're getting somewhere_, Jess thought happily. She wrapped her arm around Olivia and smiled. "It's okay to be scared, Liv, but this has got to stop. Alex loves you, honey. She really, really loves you."

"What if I lose my breasts?" she asked, the fear in her voice becoming more apparent.

"It's not going to matter to her, Liv. She'll still love you. Hell, we'll all still love you."

"She always tells me how much she loves them," Olivia said, no longer concerned about how vulgar she sounded. _I think I'm breaking, Jess! I really think you may have just broken me. Keep asking me these questions. We're finally getting somewhere._

"What?"

Olivia nodded and took a deep breath. "Every night after we…after we…"

"After you have sex," Jess finished for her.

"Yeah. Every night afterwards, she…she likes to, God I can't believe I'm actually saying this…she likes to massage them. She tells me how beautiful they are and how beautiful I am." Olivia looked up with tears pouring down her cheeks. "What if I lose them, Jess? What'll she think of me then?"

This confession hit Jess like a ton of bricks. She finally understood why Olivia was so terrified of telling Alex. She smiled and gave Olivia's shoulders a gentle squeeze. "She's going to love you, Liv. Contrary to what you may believe, she doesn't love you because you let her squeeze your breasts at night. She loves you because you're you."

Olivia shook her head. "Wouldn't it be better to just end it now? I mean, if I don't make it…"

"Stop," Jess said sternly. "You caught it early. You're going to be just fine."

"But if I don't make it, wouldn't it be easier if she moves on now. I don't want her to sit around and watch me die."

Jess felt her throat closing up as she fought the tears. "Olivia, she's completely miserable right now. The only thing that's going to make that better is if you talk to her."

"But if I don't make it –"

"Fine," Jess interrupted, knowing that Olivia wasn't going to let the possibility of her dying go. "If you don't make it, which I assure you isn't going to be the case, then she'll want to be by your side. She loves you, Olivia. She would rather have you die by her side than die alone."

"I'm so scared," Olivia confessed as she fell against Jess, sobbing into her chest.

Jess felt a few tears fall down her own face and decided not to wipe them away as she wrapped her arms around Olivia. "I know you are. It's okay to be scared, Liv. It's okay. Just know that she's not going to leave you for this."

"How can you be so sure about that?"

Jess smiled warmly and shook her head. "Because of how much she loves you. She's told me several times that she doesn't care what's wrong with you, as long as you trust her enough to tell her yourself. Talk to her, Liv, please. I promise that you'll feel a hell of a lot better and that you'll have one hell of a better chance at beating this."

"Will…you, um…will you um, will you come with me?"

"Of course," Jess said warmly.

Olivia nodded and wiped away her tears. She took several slow, deep breaths before standing up and grabbing her jacket. "Okay," she said, trying to gain her strength. "Let's go. I think I owe someone a hell of an explanation."

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Ohhhhhh, the evilness of cliffhangers!


	13. We're going to be Okay

Disclaimer: I don't own the Law and Order: SVU characters. Dick does.

Okay, I really wanted to get this chapter out before my classes start tomorrow. I know I left y'all with a rather nasty cliffhanger and I didn't want it to be a while before I could update again. The good news is I have off work all next week so maybe I'll be able to get a few more chapters up before I have work and classes (yuck). I know that once that starts, it'll be harder for me to update during the week. That being said, I shall get on with this chapter so I can relieve you all of your misery from the cliffhanger :)

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Jess pulled into the parking garage and turned off the car. She gave Olivia an encouraging smile and squeezed her hand gently. "You can do this, Liv. You can do this."

She nodded and took several deep breaths before stepping out of the car. She closed the door behind her and waited for Jess to walk around behind her. As she felt Jess' hand on her back, leading her towards the elevator, she started shaking. "I don't think I've ever been this terrified in my entire life," she confessed, smiling slightly as she did so.

"I know," Jess said softly as the stepped onto the elevator. "I also know that you're an incredibly strong woman and that once you start talking to her, you're going to feel so much better." She smiled warmly and wrapped her arms around Olivia's shoulders. "It's going to be hard for you to start, but I have a feeling that once you finally open your mouth, it's going to be easier."

"I don't want to lose her, Jess."

"You won't."

"I hope not."

The elevator doors opened and they stepped out into the hall and began walking towards Jess' apartment. "Like I said before, Liv, she's not going to leave you for this. She was likely going to leave you for what you were doing, but now that you've come to talk to her, that's not going to happen." They arrived at Jess' door and paused for a few moments. "She loves _you_, Liv. She doesn't love you because you have breasts or because you let her play with them or anything like that. Sure, she enjoys doing that, but that's not the reason she loves you. She loves you because you're you. She loves you because you love her, and you accept her despite what happened." Jess smiled and gave her a quick hug. "She loves you, Liv. She really, really loves you."

Olivia felt a few tears fall down her cheeks as she returned Jess' hug. As she pulled away and looked at the door, she finally felt ready to do what she had been so terrified of doing for the last two weeks. She took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay, let's do this."

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Jess left Olivia sitting in the living room and went looking for Alex. Allen had left a note saying that Alex wanted to watch a few movies that they didn't have, so he had gone to pick them up from the rental place down the street. She checked the balcony off the master bedroom, which she knew Alex enjoyed, but didn't find her. She ran into the guest bedroom and saw that it was nicely cleaned up, though she saw no signs of Alex. Suddenly worried, she slowly made her way to the guest bathroom and frowned when she heard soft whimpering. She knocked softly as she opened the door and a sudden sense of déjà vu overcame her as she saw Alex lying on the floor, crying. It wasn't until she stepped closer that she noticed the broken piece of glass in the woman's hand and the small trickle of blood on her blouse. She bent down and slowly picked Alex up into a sitting position. "Okay, honey," she said softly. "It's okay now. It's okay."

"She hates me. She has to hate me if she's doing this!" Alex screamed. "What did I do, Jess? What did I do that made her hate me so much?"

"Nothing," Jess said sternly as she began rocking her back and forth. She was glad when Alex didn't fight as she took the piece of glass from her hands. "You didn't do anything wrong, honey."

"Then why does she hate me?"

"She doesn't." Jess took a deep breath and tried to find the right words to say. "She came back with me today. I think she's really ready to talk to you." She tilted Alex's chin so they made eye contact, and she smiled. "She's scared. That's why she was doing this. She's scared of how you're going to react when she tells you what's wrong."

"I feel so stupid," Alex said softly as she held her hand over the bloodstain on her shirt.

Jess shook her head and squeezed her hand gently. "Don't feel stupid, honey." She smiled and brushed the hair out of Alex's face. "What happened?"

Alex sighed and looked away. "I don't know," she said softly. "I think I just…I got scared that she wasn't going to come back and I started thinking of the reasons why she was doing this. I couldn't…I couldn't think of anything I'd done wrong, but it had to be something. I came in here to wash my face and it hit me that maybe she hated me because of my scars." She took a deep breath and frowned. "She always told me that she thought I was beautiful, but I thought maybe she was lying. So…I just…I cut myself to make me uglier to…to justify what was happening I guess."

"Oh, Alex," Jess said softly as she pulled the woman closer. "You are so incredibly beautiful, honey." She smiled slightly and bit her lower lip. "Can I tell you something?"

"What?"

"I love you so much, Alex. You are…you're the older sister I always wanted when I was growing up." She smiled and thought back to her childhood. "I always wanted an older sister, so eventually I started imagining what one would be like. You are so much better than anything I could ever have imagined."

"Me?"

"You."

Alex shook her head in disbelief. "But my scars, and my crying fits, and my nightmares, and my –"

"And your incredible attitude about life, and your beauty, and your caring and loving personality. Alex, you're better than any older sister I could possibly have imagined and I love you so much." She paused and smiled, hoping Alex would believe her words. "Olivia loves you, too."

"How can you be so sure she still wants me? How can you be so sure she doesn't think I'm the ugliest thing in the world?"

"Because she fell in love with you the moment she first laid eyes on you and nothing in this world is ever going to change that."

Both woman looked up and smiled when they saw Olivia standing in the doorway, holding a handful of gauze and some medical tape. Tears were pouring from her eyes as she stood there, waiting for someone to invite her into the bathroom. She didn't want to intrude where there was a possibility she wasn't welcome.

"Olivia…" Alex said, trying to catch her breath as she set eyes on the woman for the first time in over a week. "You…are you really…did you…what are you doing here?" she stammered.

Olivia walked slowly over to Alex and bent down, taking her hand in hers and squeezing it softly. "I'm right here honey. I'm right here. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

Jess slowly stood up and smiled at the two of them. "I think I'll leave you two to talk. I'll be out in the living room if you need me." She took one last look at them and nodded. Olivia had already wrapped her arms around Alex and was holding her as tight as possible. There was no doubt in Jess' mind that they would work through this.

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"Here, sweetie," Olivia said gently as she slowly raised Alex's shirt and placed a piece of gauze over one of the cuts. It killed her to see that Alex had traced four of her old scars with the piece of glass. She held it tight as she taped it in place. She did this for each of the cuts, hating that with each time, Alex winced with pain. "I don't think you'll need stitches." She said when she taped the last piece of gauze in place.

Alex nodded, though she didn't trust herself to say anything. Olivia's sudden caring and compassionate attitude didn't change what she had done over the last two weeks. She looked away, both in anger and in hurt, and closed her eyes. "What did I do wrong to make you think you couldn't tell me whatever it is that you're not telling me."

Olivia swallowed and fought the tears. "You didn't do anything wrong, honey. This…this was all my fault."

"Then why? Why haven't you told me what's wrong? Why don't you trust me enough to allow me to help you?"

"I do trust you. I…I was scared."

"Of what?"

Olivia looked away in shame. "I was scared that you would leave me."

Alex took a deep breath and turned Olivia's head to face her. When the detective finally locked eyes with her, she smiled. "Liv, you're the most amazing woman I know. I could never, ever leave you because you're sick." Alex looked pleadingly at her, tears running down her face. "Please, Liv, tell me what's wrong. I want to help you. I love you."

Olivia took a deep breath. This was a hell of a lot harder than she had imagined it would be. "I, um, I…I have…I have um, I have uh…"

Alex wrapped her arm around Olivia's shoulder and squeezed tightly, ignoring the pain in her stomach that such an action cost. "It's okay, Liv. Talk to me. I'm not going to leave you, I promise."

Olivia looked up with more fear in her eyes than she had ever allowed before. She licked her lips nervously as she took several deep breaths, trying to gain her composure. "I…Alex, I have breast cancer," she finally said.

As Olivia collapsed in tears against her, Alex wrapped both arms around her and held her close. "Oh, Liv," she said comfortingly. "Oh, honey, it's okay." She slowly began rubbing Olivia's back as she kissed the top of her head. "It's going to be okay. We're going to be okay, sweetie."

"Do you totally hate me now?"

Alex sighed. "I'm still pretty upset that you felt you couldn't come to me right away about this, but no, I don't hate you. I could never hate you. I love you too much." Alex ran her fingers through Olivia's hair and frowned. "Why didn't you tell me sooner? Why did it take Jess and Casey several tries before you finally came to talk to me?"

"I thought…I don't know, I was just…I was sure that you'd leave me."

"What? Why on earth would I ever do that?"

"Because I might lose my breasts," Olivia answered bluntly.

"Olivia Benson, you listen to me," Alex said sternly. "I love you. I love you more than I love anything else in this world." She looked down and felt the tears falling down her face as she saw Olivia sobbing into her. "I don't love you because you have breasts, Liv, I promise. I love _you_."

Olivia was crying so hard she could barely breathe. She felt herself grabbing Alex's shirt tightly and didn't even care how much of a wreck she must have looked like. "I love you, too. I'm so sorry, Alex. I wanted to tell you. I hated myself for lying and everything. I really wanted to tell you."

"It's okay now, Liv," Alex said soothingly. She hated seeing Olivia this upset, and she was beginning to forgive her for what she had done. She wasn't able to forgive her completely yet – that would take time – but for now, she could forgive her enough. "We have a lot of talking to do, but right now, I think we should go out and do something fun. I've missed you."

Olivia smiled and sat up, wiping her tears and shaking her head. "I've missed you, too."

"So what do you say we go out for dinner and then catch a movie?"

"Yeah, just one quick thing."

"What?"

"I want to see your cuts. I want to make sure they don't need stitches or anything."

Alex nodded hesitantly. She felt so stupid for cutting herself, and she was embarrassed that Olivia had found her in such a state. "Okay," she said softly as she looked away.

"It's okay, honey," Olivia said softly as she slowly raised Alex's shirt. Olivia slowly pulled back the pieces of gauze, smiling as she saw that none of them were going to need stitches. She looked up and saw the look in Alex's eyes. It was one that Olivia hoped to never see again. It looked as though she was afraid that this new situation was going to drive Olivia away again. "It's okay, Alex," Olivia said gently as the two women got to their feet. "I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere."

Alex met Olivia's eyes and she looked pleadingly at the detective. "I thought you hated me, Liv. I was so sure I'd done something terribly wrong, but I had no idea what that something was. I just…I was so sure you hated me and –"

"Shh," Olivia whispered as she locked lips with Alex. "I could never hate you. I love you so much, Alex. I love you so, so much, and I cannot put into words how horrible I feel about what I did to you." She wiped away a tear as she wrapped her arm around Alex's shoulders. "I plan on spending the rest of my life making it up to you…if you'll still have me."

Alex smiled and nodded her head as she wrapped both arms around Olivia. "Of course I'll still have you. I love you, Olivia."

Olivia smiled. "Come on," she said, walking with Alex towards the door. "Let's go have an amazing evening."

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"Alex asked if you and I wanted to come with them tonight, but I kind of figured it was something the two of them needed to do on their own," Jess said as she and Allen sat down for dinner that night. "I think they're going to be okay now."

Allen smiled and took a bite of salad. "I'm so glad to hear that. How did finally manage to get Olivia to open up?"

Jess shrugged. "Honestly, I don't really know. I think it was just a combination of Casey and I going over there so often. I think she just finally broke down. She hated hiding from Alex, so it was really just a matter of convincing her that Alex wasn't going to hate her."

"Well I'm just glad they've agreed to work it out. I hated that Alex was suffering so much."

"Yeah, so did I. I also hated that Olivia was too scared to tell her she had breast cancer. I mean, I can understand why she didn't, but at the same time, it still bugs me. Alex loves her so much. There's no way she would leave Olivia for this."

"I know. It seems like Olivia knew that, too, deep down. She just needed someone to knock some sense into her."

"Exactly."

"Speaking of which," he said as he gently placed his hand on her cheek. "How is it feeling? The swelling's gone down a good bit."

Jess smiled and brought her hand up to hold his. "It's still a little sore, but it feels a lot better than it did at first."

He laughed. "Yeah, no shit. That woman clocked you good."

"Shut up."

"Well she did."

"And she's a cop. She's supposed to be able to throw a punch."

"She proved that the other day."

Jess shook her head and finished her soup. "Yeah well, I'd take her punching me in the face over what she did to Alex any day of the week. I don't care how hard that woman hits me. If I have to get hit again for her to see what she'll lose if she loses Alex, then I'll even paint a target on my cheek."

"You're too much, Jess."

"I know, but you still love me."

"More than you know."

She smiled flirtatiously as she carried her dishes out to the sink. "Wanna try again for that baby?"

He looked into the kitchen and saw that the sink was piled high with dishes. He considered arguing for a brief second, then saw the look on her face. _Screw the dishes_, he said to himself. _Make love to wife_. He smiled and wrapped his arms around her. "Let's go romping."

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She found a large bouquet of flowers and a small brown teddy bear sitting on her desk when she walked into the office. She looked curiously at it and frowned in confusion. Nobody else was in the room and Alex obviously hadn't arrived yet. Who on earth had sent these? She walked over and looked at the card attached to the flowers.

_Casey,_

_Words cannot begin to express how grateful I am for what you helped do. I won't be coming in to work today. Olivia and I are taking the day off to catch up on a few things. Please accept these, and know that this weekend I'm taking you and Jess out to one huge dinner._

_Love,_

_Alex_

Casey blinked away a few tears as she placed the flowers in a vase. She put the teddy bear on her bookshelf and smiled. _They got back together_, she thought happily as she sat down at her desk and opened one of the files. _Olivia finally came to her senses._ She smiled, relieved that they were finally going to be able to put this behind them. She was about to start finishing the paperwork when her phone rang.

"Novak."

"Casey, it's Jess," she said excitedly. "Have you heard the good news?"

Casey smiled and sat back in her chair. "Olivia finally came to her senses."

"I take it you got flowers and a teddy bear?"

"Yep."

"She left mine on my doorstep."

"She took the day off to spend it with Olivia." Casey paused, smiling and breathing a sigh of relief. "I think we did a really good thing here. I was worried for a while, keeping it from her, but it looks like it all worked out. You must have really said something for her to have finally broken down."

"It wasn't just me," Jess told her sternly. "You had one hell of a big part in it. I don't think either one of us would have been able to do it alone. It was the two of us together that did it."

"Well either way, they're back together and we're all going out for a huge celebratory dinner."

"And we deserve it. After all the hell we went through we ought to be rewarded," Jess joked. She shook her head and smiled. "Seriously though, as hard as these last two weeks have been, I'd relive them in a heartbeat if it meant getting them back together again."

"I would, too. I never want to see Alex that miserable or Olivia that stubborn ever again."

"I don't either. Want to make a pact?"

"What?"

"If we see either of those things happening, we intervene immediately. No more of this bullshit waiting around for someone to come to their senses. It wasn't fair to either of them."

"Deal."

"Good."

"Well, I've got a mountain of paperwork to get through and I'd really like to have a nice evening with Steve, so I'd better run. I'll see you at dinner this weekend."

"Okay. Good luck with the paperwork."

"Thanks. Bye, Jess."

"Bye, Case."

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Okay, I'm going to apologize now, but from now on, I'll more than likely only be able to update on the weekends. I'm taking 18 credits, driving 200 miles a week for school, and working 18 hours a week. That plus homework and housework. It's going to be a bloody nightmare. Although, reviews always seem to give me more motivation so…

Also, when uploading chapters, does anyone else ever get error messages? It's taking me forever to get this thing uploaded.


	14. Casey's Troubles

Disclaimer: I don't own the Law and Order: SVU characters. Dick does.

Hey look, an update! And it's not even the weekend. This is only happening because I don't have work this week. Starting next week, when I'm taking 18 credits and working 18-20 hours, this won't happen. Enjoy it while it lasts…

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"Thanks for dinner," Alex said softly as they climbed into bed that night. "I really missed our dinners together."

Olivia smiled and cupped Alex's face in her hand. "I missed them, too." She gently traced Alex's cheekbone as she nervously bit her lower lip. "I want to make things right again. I want…I want us to be okay again."

Alex brought her hand up and held Olivia's tight. She forced a small smile and nodded. "I know. I want that, too. I want things to be like they were before this whole mess got started."

"What can I do?"

Alex shook her head. "I don't know," she answered. "I think, I think I just need a little time to deal with all of it." She closed her eyes and sighed sadly. "I…it really, _really_ hurt, Liv. I forgive you, really I do. I just…" she drifted off, unable to find the right words. She swallowed and shook her head, as if giving up on trying to finish what she was saying.

Olivia gave her hand an encouraging squeeze and smiled warmly. "You need time. It's okay. I understand. I'm just relieved you were so willing to forgive me like this." She smiled playfully. "I was so sure it was going to take weeks, maybe even months, for you to even look at me again, and that was erring on the side of caution."

Alex laughed slightly and shook her head. "I had forgiven you before you even told me what was wrong. I knew it was something big, and I knew you were scared, I just didn't know the full reasoning behind why you didn't tell me." She took a deep breath and held it for several seconds. "I lost a lot of myself this week, Liv. I…I really though it was my fault that this all happened. Jess…she was…" she smiled and shook her head. "She was amazing, Liv, but she wasn't you. I needed _you_. I wondered why you were hiding from me, what it was that I'd done that had broken our trust. That hurt a lot."

"I know, and I wish I could take it all back."

"I had to put a hell of a lot out there for me to even start to trust you," she continued, needing to get everything out. "I just…that was the absolute hardest thing I've ever done – telling you all of what happened to me." She swallowed and fought the tears. "It took everything that I had to let you in, and I was so happy when I woke up and you were still there. When this happened, I thought I was going to lose it. It was just like those nightmares I kept having. I kept reliving everything that happened to me that night, and then suddenly you appeared and laughed and said you never loved me. I couldn't… I was so sure I had lost you and that you had just been one more person who had abandoned me after everything that happened and I couldn't live with that and –"

"Shhh," Olivia said gently as she pulled a now sobbing Alex against her. It was the first time Alex had given her any hint about these new nightmares, and it was horrifying to hear that they had been about her leaving Alex because of what happened. "It's okay, honey. I love you so much. I wish that I could take back what I did. I'd give anything and everything to do that, but I can't. All I can do now is apologize profusely and promise over and over again that it'll never happen again." She continued to hold Alex against her throughout the night, and when she felt Alex fall asleep, she loosened her grip slightly. She stroked Alex's hair and kissed the top of her head, then closed her eyes and prayed harder than she'd ever prayed before, prayed that Alex had the strength to forgive her, because she was having an incredibly difficult time forgiving herself."

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"'Morning," Casey said groggily as she walked into the office. She smiled as she saw Alex hand her a large cup of coffee. She brought it to her lips, then hesitated, not knowing where it had come from.

Alex smiled at Casey's reaction. "Don't worry. It's not from the cafeteria. It's from the coffee shop down the street. It's good, I promise."

Casey nodded and took a sip, smiling as the delicious coffee hit her throat. "I really should just hook myself up to an iv. It'd be a hell of a lot easier," she joked as she sat down at her desk and sifted through the pile of paperwork that was waiting for her.

"We may have run into a bit of a problem with our Jason Roberts case," Alex told her suddenly.

"Our who?" Casey asked.

"Jason Roberts," Alex answered. She waited for Casey to respond, and was surprised when she didn't. Usually Casey was on top of all her cases. This was odd. "Jason Roberts…frat party, girl got raped, said he did it."

"Oh, right," Casey said, suddenly remembering. "What's the problem?"

"Well right now our problem is that you had no idea what I was talking about a second ago," Alex said, concerned. She tilted her head and furrowed her eyebrows, trying to study Casey's expression. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah," Casey lied. "I'm fine. I just didn't sleep well last night."

"You sure?"

"Yep," she answered, forcing an obviously fake smile. "What's the problem with the Jason Roberts case?"

Alex didn't believe a word out of Casey's mouth, but she decided not to press the matter any further. She took a deep breath and looked at the file in front of her. "Fingerprints on the bottle of drugs."

"What about them?"

"There were two sets. One belongs to Jason. The other belongs to Lindsay."

"The girl he raped?"

"Allegedly," Alex corrected.

"Yeah," Casey said shaking her head. "The girl he allegedly raped."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

Casey swallowed and forced herself to nod. "I'm fine. What are we doing about this new information?"

"Well, Olivia and Elliot are going to talk to Lindsay again and then they're going to talk to Jason." She paused, gauging Casey's reaction. "We're going to have to figure out what the hell Lindsay's fingerprints were doing on that bottle."

Casey nodded. "Maybe…maybe she found the bottle and tried to, I don't know, maybe she tried to confront Jason about it? Maybe he took it and in anger he hit her or something. Maybe that's how she got the bruise over her right eye. Then maybe he raped her…yeah," she said, trying to affirm her words. "Yeah, that makes sense."

Alex stood up and walked over to Casey's desk, sitting in the chair directly across from her. She stared at her until Casey finally made eye contact with her. "Okay, Casey," she said gently. "You just rambled more than I've ever heard you ramble about a case like this. Something's wrong." She reached across the desk and gently took Casey's hand. "What's wrong?"

"How are you and Olivia doing?" Casey asked, trying to divert the conversation. "I'm so glad the two of you are working on things. You deserve to be together, you really do. I was so worried there for a bit, but now it looks like things are going to be okay. You really –"

"Casey, stop," Alex interrupted, squeezing her hand tightly. She was growing more concerned by the moment now, especially with Casey obviously trying to avoid her questions. "What's wrong, honey? You're obviously upset about something."

Casey swallowed and looked down to her lap. "Steve's away on business. He's been gone two days and he won't come home for another eight."

Alex nodded, already knowing all of this information. "I know that already, sweetie. Tell me what's bothering you. Tell me what's really wrong."

"I miss them," Casey said quietly as a few tears fell down her cheeks. "I miss them so much and I feel like such an idiot for it."

"Who?" Alex asked worriedly. "Who do you miss?"

"My parents," Casey answered numbly. "I can't believe that I actually miss them, but I do."

"Oh, honey," Alex said softly as she stood and walked around the table. "Oh, Casey, it's okay to miss them," she said, kneeling in front of the woman and wrapping her arms around her. "It's okay to miss them, Case."

"But I hated them!"

"And you loved them, too. They were your parents," she said, rubbing Casey's back gently. "It's okay honey. Let it out."

"I…I keep – I – I keep…I keep waking up in the middle of the night crying and Steve's not there and it's just really hard because I…I've never felt this way before. My whole life I've wished they were dead, but now that they are, I'd give anything to see them just one more time."

Alex swallowed as she smiled and brushed a few pieces of hair from Casey's face. "I know, honey. How about you take the rest of the day off, huh? Maybe catch up on some sleep or something."

Casey shook her head and wiped away her tears. "No," she said sternly. "We need to figure out this Roberts case and there's no way I'm going home to an empty house right now."

"Stay with us for a few days."

"What?"

"Just until Steve gets back."

"What? Alex, no, I can't do that," Casey insisted. "I don't want to intrude. The two of you are just now starting to work on what happened and I know that if I interrupted that and caused something to happen that resulted in you two never getting back together I would never forgive myself and –"

"Stay with us," Alex repeated gently. "You wouldn't be a burden, and you wouldn't be ruining anything."

"I…I can't. I don't want to intrude."

"Casey," Alex insisted. "Your parents died and two weeks later you went to the doctor with Olivia. Have you even cried at all since then?" When she saw Casey shake her head slightly in shame, she nodded encouragingly. "You were suddenly thrown into our problems when you should have been dealing with your own. Honey, I cannot even begin to thank you for getting Olivia to come to me. I feel like I'll be forever in your debt." She smiled when she saw Casey give a weak laugh. "You gave up those two weeks for our relationship. Let us give up these eight days, at least until Steve gets back."

Casey shook her head, still unable to admit how much she desperately needed Alex's offer. She wasn't about to let herself intrude on an already rock relationship. "Alex, you and Liv need to talk things out. You've already told me that much."

"Casey, do not argue with me," Alex insisted, allowing a small smile to creep onto her face. "You'll lose no matter how hard you try." She looked into Casey's eyes again and nodded approvingly. "Stay with us, Case. It looks like you could use some support right now."

"I don't…I shouldn't…are you sure?"

"Positive. We're your friends, Case. Let us help you."

Casey nodded and started shaking slightly as she fought the tears. She wondered what she'd done right in a previous life to be blessed with such wonderful friends. "Are you sure it'll be okay with Liv? I don't want to –"

"I know, I know. You don't want to intrude," Alex finished. "It'll be fine. I have to go down there anyway to give her some paperwork. I'll talk to her."

"Okay," she said weakly. "Thank you."

"Thank you, too, Case. I practically owe my relationship to you."

"And Jess."

Alex nodded and smiled, glad to see the real Casey was returning. "And Jess," she said as she left to talk to Olivia.

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They went into the crib so they could talk privately. Alex had insisted on talking immediately, and Olivia was terrified that something was wrong and that the relationship was over. She hurried after her, praying that this wasn't the end. "Alex, honey, what's wrong? Did I do something?"

"What?" Alex asked, completely confused by Olivia's question. One look into the detective's eyes was enough to tell her exactly what Olivia was thinking. "Oh, God, no that's not it. It's Casey."

"What? What about Casey?"

Alex sighed sadly. "I don't think she's really as over her parents' deaths as we think she is. She…she's a complete mess right now and Steve's away on business until next week." She paused for a few seconds before continuing, praying that Olivia didn't kill her for this. "I know you and I are just now starting to talk about things, but I kind of told her to come stay with us until Steve gets back."

"Really?"

"Are you mad?" she asked worriedly. "Normally I wouldn't think of doing this, but she just seemed so upset in the office just now. I…she's a huge part of the reason we're doing pretty okay now, and I just though that I should help her. Her parents just died and before she could really grieve she was thrown into our shit and I just…I really want to help her, Liv."

Olivia smiled and wrapped her arms around Alex. She hesitantly pressed her lips against Alex's, a motion she hadn't been allowed to do since before everything started. She was happy when Alex returned the kiss. "I'm happy you're doing this," she said once she pulled away. "We owe her big time."

"You're not mad?"

"Not at all."

Alex felt relief wash over her as she smiled gratefully at Olivia. "Thank you."

Olivia nodded and brushed the hair out of Alex's face. "Now that paperwork you had for me…"

Alex smiled and pulled a folder out from behind her back. "It's the Jason Roberts file. I finished everything I can. Now all Casey and I need is for you and Elliot to re-interview Lindsay, Jason, and anybody else who may have something to do with this. Something doesn't smell right, and it's not just because you found Lindsay's prints on the bottle. There's something else that they're hiding."

"And you know this how?"

Alex grinned flirtatiously. "Years and years of experience practicing law."

"Ah, I see," Olivia answered, taking the file happily. "I suppose Elliot and I have a lot of work to do."

"It appears that way."

"I should probably get started."

"You probably should."

Olivia smiled. "I can't get started with your arms wrapped so tightly around my hips."

"Damn," Alex muttered. "And I was just getting comfortable, too."

Olivia laughed as she slowly pulled away, bringing the file to her chest. "Well we'll just have to continue this another time."

"We'll have to do that," Alex answered.

"I'm done at five. When are you done?"

Alex shrugged. "I'm not sure yet. Technically we're done at five, too, but we might get off early. This Roberts case is the only one we have right now and if there's nothing else we can do with it, we might leave early."

Olivia nodded and walked Alex out of the crib and towards the doors. "Well if that happens, treat Casey to a nice ice cream party or something. Do something with her to get her mind off her parents' deaths at least until tonight when she'll be more comfortable letting out some of the pain."

Alex stood up straight and brought her hand up to her forehead in a salute. "As you say, Captain."

Olivia laughed and gently pushed Alex to the door. "Go take care of Casey, Cabot."

"See you tonight, Liv."

"Love you."

"Love you, too."

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"I come bearing six comedies, mint Oreos, and about two dozen wine coolers," Jess said loudly as she walked into Alex's house and plopped her armload onto the couch in the living room.

Casey and Alex looked up and laughed at Jess' struggle. "You really had to carry all of that stuff in one trip?" Alex asked, shaking her head. "All you had to do was scream that you needed some help."

"Nonsense," Jess answered, taking a seat on the couch. "I wanted to do it all in one trip so we can get right to the movies. I'm dying to see Thelma and Louise. I've always wanted to see it."

"How the hell have you never seen that movie?" Casey asked, smiling and feeling incredibly grateful that her friends were doing this for her. "It's a classic. Everybody's seen it."

Jess laughed and leaned back into the couch. "Well after today I'll join the bandwagon of people who have seen it."

Casey picked up the remote and pressed play. She leaned back and laid her head on Jess' shoulder. "Thanks for coming," she said as the opening credits began to play. She looked over at Alex and smiled. "And thanks for having us over."

Jess leaned her head so it was resting against Casey's. "You better believe I was coming over for this. After everything you've done for me…the main one forgiving me for being such an ass all those years ago…you're a good friend, Case."

"And," Alex added. "This is going to be one hell of an awesome girls' night in. Olivia called and she's running a little late, but she should be here by seven." She gave Casey's hand a gentle squeeze and grinned as the opening scene began. "Enjoy the evening, Case."

"Thanks you two. This really means a lot to me."

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"She's been crying for nearly thirty minutes," Olivia whispered to Alex that night. She looked over at the clock and frowned. "It's not even three-thirty. This is the second time she's woken up. I think I should go talk to her."

"Go," Alex urged. They had watched several movies before Jess had claimed exhaustion and left, making sure Casey knew that her cell phone was on and she could call her at any time. Now that it was only she and Olivia left, Alex was sure Olivia would be able to offer a lot more support than she could.

Olivia hesitated. It was the first night that Alex had allowed herself to be held again, and Olivia didn't want to let go of her. She was afraid that she'd never be allowed to hold her again.

"Go," Alex repeated. "You can hold me after you help her. She's more important right now."

Olivia shook her head in protest. "Nobody's more important than you."

Alex smiled. "Good answer, Detective," she whispered. "But right now, she needs you more than I do. There, is that a better way of putting it?"

Olivia smiled and kissed her lightly. "That was much better." She slowly sat up and climbed out of bed. "Keep the bed warm for me. I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Don't rush it, Liv. Give her as much time as she needs."

"I will." She walked softly out into the living room and turned into the guest bedroom, frowning when she saw Casey curled into a tight ball and trying her best to stifle her sobs. She walked slowly over and sat down on the bed, pulling Casey against her and hugging her tight. She combed her fingers through her hair and gently rubbed her back. "Let it out, Case," she encouraged. "Don't try to hold it back. You'll feel a lot better afterwards, I promise."

"But – but – you – you and – and Alex – you're – trying to – to sleep," Casey forced out between sobs.

"We're okay," Olivia insisted. "It's okay now, Case. It's safe to cry here, honey. Please don't try to hide or fight the tears." Olivia brushed the hair out of Casey's face, then continued rubbing her back.

"I miss them so much!"

"I know, honey. I know. I miss my mother, too."

"I don't want to miss them. I hate them."

"I hated my mother, too, but when she died, it was hard all the same." As much as her past pained her, Olivia was grateful that she could relate to Casey at this level, if only to be able to provide some support. "It's okay to miss those that you hated, Case. It doesn't make you any less of a person."

"All the nights they were screaming at me, all the important events that they missed…everything…I'd take it all back if I could just see them one more time!" she said, the tears beginning to fall harder now. "The last words I told them were that I hated them. It was true, on one level, but at the same time, I loved them. I want them to know that! I don't want them to be dead thinking that their daughter hates them!"

"They know," Olivia assured her. "They know, sweetie."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because of how you grew up. You showed them everyday that you loved them. You probably told them a hundred times that you hated them, right?" When Casey nodded, confirming Olivia's suspicions, Olivia continued. "Then they know. I did the same thing with my mother. On her good days, when she actually acted like a mom, she acknowledged her mistakes and told me she knew I loved her."

Casey swallowed and nodded, still trying to fight the tears that she so desperately needed to let out. "They had good days, too, but not very many. Most of the time I was just cleaning up after them."

"I know how hard that is," Olivia told her, hoping that she was being at least a little helpful.

Casey leaned her head against Olivia's chest as the tears started to really flow. "Thank you," she forced out.

Olivia wrapped her arms tightly around Casey and kissed the top of her head. "You're welcome, sweetie. You're welcome." Olivia held her like that for hours, until Casey had cried all that she could possibly cry. When Casey began to go limp against her, Olivia leaned back and pulled her close. She desperately wanted to go back to bed with Alex, but she knew Alex would just kick her out and force her to stay with Casey. "Get some rest honey," she whispered, brushing a few hairs out of Casey's face. "You'll feel better in the morning."


	15. You've Gotta Take Care of Yourself

Disclaimer: I don't own the Law and Order: SVU characters. Dick does.

I'm hoping to get at least two chapters up this weekend, but I'm also not making any promises. I'm just outside of Philadelphia and for those of you who live in this area, you know what the weather's been like these last few days. I think we lost power at least a dozen times. Add that to the fact that I'm sicker than sick and experiencing an incredibly powerful case of writer's block and well…I'm not making any promises. Consider yourselves lucky to be getting this post :)

Also, when I'm trying to access some of the stories on the site, I keep getting this "story does not have any chapters…" thing. Anyone else experiencing this? I just copy/pasted this entire story and saved it to my flash drive so I don't lose it. I'm so paranoid…

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She rolled over, slowly opened her eyes, and frowned. _Where the hell am I?_ She wondered as she looked groggily around the room. A few moments later, it hit her. She was lying in the bed in the guest bedroom because Casey had fallen asleep against her. Now, as she searched the room, she had no idea where Casey was, nor what ungodly hour of the morning she had awaken. She crawled out of bed, put on her slippers, and made her way into the living room.

Casey was moving busily around the kitchen, trying to keep her eyes on several pots and pans while at the same time trying to shove two bagels into the toaster. She looked up and smiled when she saw Olivia walk in and sit down on the couch. "Morning, Liv," she said happily.

Olivia smiled slightly, though slightly confused by Casey's sudden enthusiasm. "Good morning. Having fun over there?"

"Actually, I am."

"Need any help?"

"Nope."

"You sure? You've got two pots, a pan, and what looks like three or four bagels going over there. That's a hell of a lot for one person to cook." She paused. "By the way, what are you cooking? It smells delicious."

"It's a secret."

Olivia laughed and shook her head. She was worried that Casey was doing this as a way of trying to avoid what was really going on right now, but she didn't say anything. Casey needed to deal with things in her own way, and if this was how she needed to do it, then so be it.

Fifteen minutes later, Casey walked out into the living room carrying two armloads of plates. She set them down on the coffee table in front of Olivia and smiled proudly. "Scrambled eggs, pancakes, sausage, bacon, and a bagel. Enjoy it all while it's hot. I'm going to go drag Alex out of bed so she can enjoy it, too."

"Casey, this…this is…wow," Olivia said, staring at the food in front of her. It looked delicious. "You really didn't have to do all of this. A simple bowl of cereal would have been fine, and even that would have been unnecessary."

"Enjoy it, Liv. I'll go get Alex."

Less than ten minutes later, the three women were sitting in the living room, stuffing their faces full of the food Casey had cooked. Both Alex and Olivia realized Casey's overly enthusiastic attitude, though neither of them said a word. They both had a feeling that once all the food was eaten, the woman would start talking. They frequently made eye contact, and both were worried when Casey rambled quickly, talking about nothing more than the weather or current celebrity gossip. It was frightening to see her moving at this quick pace, and they wanted to make sure she didn't shut down.

"That was absolutely amazing, Case," Alex said as she began collecting the dishes.

"No, let me get those," Casey insisted. She quickly gathered all the dishes and carried them into the kitchen. She began scrubbing them – making sure to scrub every last piece of food off before putting each one into the dishwasher.

"Casey, leave them," Alex said softly, walking up behind her and gently removing a dish from her hands. "It's okay. We'll clean them up later."

"No," Casey insisted. "I'll just do them real quick now, then we won't have to worry about it."

"Casey, leave them," Alex repeated. She gently wrapped her arms around the woman and pulled her away from the sink. "Come on," she urged, walking with her back towards the couch. "Talk, Case. Don't shut us out."

"Did you enjoy breakfast?" Casey asked, still trying anything and everything to get away from the topic she was sure Alex and Olivia were going to start talking about.

"It was lovely," Olivia said softly. "We enjoyed it very much."

Casey smiled gratefully. "I was hoping you'd like it. I felt so bad about last night. I mean, this is so ridiculous that I can't handle this and I shouldn't have been so upset in the office yesterday, Alex, but I am and I hate it and I'm sorry. I just wanted to do something to show you guys how much this all means and I'm sorry that I'm in your way. I'll go if you want, really I will."

"Casey, honey, calm down," Alex urged. She could tell that Casey was barely hanging on at the moment and she was determined not to let the woman completely shut down, not after everything she'd done to help her relationship with Olivia. She gently wrapped an arm around her and squeezed as tight as she could without hurting her. "It's okay, Case. You're not intruding, or being a burden, or anything like that. We're glad you're here, honey."

"What?" Casey asked, unable to understand what Alex was saying. "How can you possibly be glad that I'm here? I'm keeping the two of you apart at a time that you most need to be together."

Olivia smiled warmly and gave Casey's hand a gentle squeeze. "We're okay right now, Case. Yes, we still have a lot of talking to do, but right now, you're more important."

"No…I'm not."

"Yeah, honey, you are," Olivia insisted. "If Alex and I were to start talking now, we wouldn't be able to get through it because we would know you were hurting. We don't want you to hurt, and if we can do something to alleviate it, you'd better believe that we'd do anything in our power to do so."

"We love you, Case," Alex added. "Let us help you. You helped us, now it's our turn to help you."

Casey felt her eyes watering and she hated that she was about to cry in front of them again. Yet at the same time, she knew that by doing so, she'd feel a lot better. Alex squeezed her shoulders gently again and she felt Olivia's hand lace with her own. It was more than she could handle, and the tears began to fall. She sobbed into Alex's arms, grateful that she was there to hold her, and grateful that Olivia was there holding her hand, reassuring her presence. "You guys," she said through her tears, "I don't know what to say. I just…thank you," she managed before the sobs finally became so heavy that talking was impossible.

"You're welcome, honey," Olivia said softly. "We love you so much. Don't you dare ever forget that."

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"Did you get anything out of Jason?" Olivia asked Elliot as he walked into the squad room that afternoon.

He shook his head angrily. "Nope. He's denying that he had anything to do with Lindsay's alleged raped. He has no idea how his fingerprints got on the pill bottle, and he swears he's never seen it in his life." He sat down in his chair and frowned. "You get anything from Lindsay?"

"Nope," she answered sadly. "She says she doesn't remember anything."

Elliot furrowed his eyebrows. "You sound like you suspect something."

She nodded. "Lindsay's hiding something. She swears she's never seen the pill bottle before, but she didn't get upset when I told her that her fingerprints were on it. She denied ever seeing it before, but she wasn't upset." She shrugged her shoulders and crossed her arms. "She's hiding something, but whatever it is, she won't talk."

"Well one of them is going to have to talk."

"Why? There's no real way to prove that she was raped, only that she had sex. She was drugged, yes, but half the time the jury lets the guy go when he claims he didn't know he was drugged. She's not going to make a very good witness because she's not the least bit upset anymore. I swear she was acting when we first interviewed her."

Elliot sighed as he leaned back in his chair and put his hands behind his head. "We're not going to be able to charge him with rape with what we have. Even now, with this new evidence, it's almost possible to charge her with filing a false report."

"But we're not going to do that because there's no proof that that's what she did."

"This sucks," Elliot said, looking around the squad room.

"Yeah, it does." She paused for a minute, then looked up and tried to make eye contact with him. She forced a half smile when she was finally successful. "Hey El, can I talk to you about something?"

He furrowed his eyebrows and leaned forward, hoping to get closer so she wouldn't have to speak louder. "Of course you can," he said. He had known for some time now that something was bothering her, and it was hard knowing that she refused to talk about it. He was worried that he'd somehow offended her or something.

"Not here. Maybe we could grab a bite to eat or something?"

Whatever it was that she wanted to talk about obviously was not going to be easy for her to do. He nodded understandingly and grabbed his jacket. "Yeah, let me just talk to Cragen and see if he needs us to do anything while we're out."

"Okay," she said weakly. She was terrified of the conversation she was about to have with him, but he deserved to know what was going on. She was going to have to tell Cragen, too, but she wanted Elliot to hear it from her. He was her partner, after all. He deserved to hear it from her, not from his boss.

"Hey, Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"You okay?" he asked, his voice full of concern.

She smiled weakly and nodded. "I think so. Let's just go to lunch."

Elliot nodded and quickly ducked into Cragen's office to tell him that they were going to lunch. After finding out that Cragen didn't need anything from them while they were out, he left and walked back over to Olivia, who was waiting by her desk. "Let's go."

"Lead the way."

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"Okay, Liv," Elliot said quietly. "Our food's here. The waitress won't be back for a while. Talk to me. What's wrong?"

Olivia looked down at her mashed potatoes and pushed them around her plate with her fork. She took a deep breath, set the fork down, and looked back up to meet her partner's eyes. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"For what?" Elliot asked, completely confused. The pain in his partner's eyes nearly tore him apart and he reached across the table to take her hand. "Liv, you haven't done anything –"

"When I flipped out at you a few weeks ago…when Casey's parents died. I'm sorry."

He had to search his brain to try to remember the event she was speaking about, and when he did, his eyes widened in surprise and he shook his head. "Oh, Liv, it's okay. You were obviously upset and exhausted. I'm not mad at you for it."

"I still shouldn't have yelled at you."

He smiled. "And I probably shouldn't have told you that you looked like shit."

"But you were right."

"True," he agreed, "But I still probably shouldn't have said it."

"I'm sick."

"What?"

"I'm sick," she said again.

With his hands still holding hers, he squeezed gently and frowned. "What?"

She removed one of her hands from his grasp and wiped away a few tears. His hands were so strong and supportive, and she was glad he wasn't trying to argue or joke with her. Usually that was the kind of person he was, but he could tell when something was really bothering her, and during those times, he was the most supportive man she knew. "I, um," she took a deep breath. "Elliot, I uh, I have breast cancer."

He felt the color drain from his face as he gripped her hand. "But you're going to be okay, right?" He asked worriedly. "You caught it early and you're getting treatment, aren't you?"

She gave him a half smile and nodded. "I'm going to chemo twice a week."

"And you're still working?" he asked, completely shocked. "Liv, talk to Cragen. See if you can get some time off. You shouldn't be working right now. You should be concentrating on getting better."

"Right now, the last thing I want to do is concentrate on how sick I am."

He stood up and walked to the other side of the table so he was sitting next to her. "Liv, you've gotta take care of yourself. I know you love to work and it helps you keep your mind off of things, but this is really, really important." He smiled and wiped a tear from her face. "You're the best damned partner I've ever had and you're strong as hell. I want you to make sure you do everything you can to beat this."

As he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, she felt herself choking on her sobs. She had been so scared of telling him, afraid that he would suddenly see her as this weak and fragile person, but he hadn't. "Thank you," she whispered.

"For what?"

She laughed through her tears. "For not hating me for the way I've been acting lately. I'm really sorry, El."

"Ah, Liv," he said lightly. "We all go through shit in life. Remember how much of an ass I was when Kathy threatened me with a divorce?"

She nodded as she wiped away her tears. "Yeah. I thought I was going to have to kill you."

"But you didn't. You made me take time off and go talk to her. You made me go home and spend time with her and the kids. That saved my marriage, Liv. I would have lost her if you hadn't convinced me to go talk to her." He smiled and gave her shoulders a gentle squeeze. "Now it's my turn."

"What?"

"It's my turn to tell you to take time off."

"Elliot, I –"

"It's not permanent. It's just until you're well. Trust me Liv, your position will be ready and waiting for you as soon as you get back. Just take this time to get better." He grinned playfully and ushered her out of the booth as he left the money on the table. "Besides, the last thing I need is for you to puke all over the suspects."

"Gee, thanks."

They walked out of the restaurant and back towards the station. "Seriously though, Liv," he said just before they went inside. "Take care of yourself. Come in when you're feeling up to it, but if you're not, don't worry about it. Your health is more important than the job."

"Elliot –"

"Please, Liv," he begged. "Please take care of yourself. I want you back healthy and cancer – free. You're one of my best friends and I will not let you come to work if you're not feeling well."

The look in his eyes almost made her want to cry. She'd never seen him beg like that before, and she was sure the only time he'd ever done it in his life was when he was begging Kathy not to go through with the divorce. She nodded sadly. "Okay," she said, surprised that she was actually agreeing to take this much time off. "I'll do it."

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"How much time off did Cragen give you?" Alex asked as they climbed into bed.

Olivia shrugged and shook her head. "I don't know. He just told me that I was on medical leave and as soon as I was well enough, I could come back to work."

Alex could hear the disappointment in Olivia's voice, and she could see the depression sinking into Olivia's entire body. She moved as close to Olivia as possible and wrapped her arms gently around her. She lightly kissed her forehead and combed her fingers through her hair. "It's going to be okay, Liv," she assured her. "This is a good thing, honey. It means you'll have less to worry about. You'll be able to concentrate more on getting well so you can get on with life."

"We're going to be okay, right? I mean, if I lose my hair or my breasts or both or if –" Olivia asked.

There was more fear in Olivia's voice than Alex had ever heard before. "Oh, honey," Alex said softly as she hugged her as tight as she could. "We're going to be just fine, I promise. I love you so incredibly much and I promise you that nothing will change how I feel."

"But if I don't work, we'll lose the paychecks and –"

"And my trust fund still has well over half a million dollars in it," Alex assured her, though she knew Olivia's fear wasn't really about the money. It was about the relationship. "Our money's fine, and more importantly, we're fine." She brushed the hair out of Olivia's face and kissed her lightly. "Get some rest, honey. I love you."

"I love you, too."

As Alex closed her eyes, she felt Olivia's body shaking against her. She pulled the blanket up farther and wrapped her arms around the woman she loved so dearly. When that didn't work, she nearly started crying herself. She had no idea how to alleviate Olivia's pain. Finally, it dawned on her. She knew exactly what to do. She took a few deep breaths to chase away the tears, and began to sing. She sang the song Olivia had always sang to her, praying that it helped Olivia as much as it had always helped her.

You're my piece of mind, in this crazy world  
You're every thing I've tried to find  
Your love is a pearl  
You're my Mona Lisa  
You're my rainbow skies  
And my only prayer is that you realize  
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes...

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Jess stood in the bathroom, pacing angrily, as she awaited the results from the fourth pregnancy test. The first one had been a complete failure. It had broken before she'd even peed on it. _Damn piece of crap_, she thought as she opened the next box. It was a digital test, and when it was finished, it told her that the results were unclear. _Why the hell can't I get a fucking reading_? She tried a third one. This one told her that if the line was blue, she was pregnant. If it was purple, she wasn't. She waited the required five minutes, looked at the strip, and frowned. The line was half purple, half blue._ What, do I have like, half a kid inside me or something_? She was getting angrier by the second. If this test didn't work, she was sure she was going to break something. The timer on the sink rang, indicating that the test was ready. She closed her eyes, took several deep breaths, and turned it over.

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Okay, don't everybody hate me at once. I promise to get the next chapter up before next weekend!


	16. Oh Baby

Disclaimer: I don't own the Law and Order: SVU characters. Dick does.

Note to self: You have incredibly fair skin. The next time you decide to spend an entire day at the beach and swim in the ocean, wear lots of sunscreen. We're out of aloe, too :(

Okay, as promised, here's another chapter. Enjoy…

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"Are you guys sure I'm not overstaying my welcome?" Casey asked as Olivia began putting dinner on the table. "I feel like I'm forcing you to do something you two don't want to do."

Olivia sat down and smiled warmly. "Case, it's fine, I promise. You're going through a rough time right now and we completely understand that you don't want to go home to an empty house. It's okay."

"Are you –"

"We're sure," Alex interrupted. "Trust me, Case, out of everyone you know, don't you think Liv and I would be the first to tell you when and if you were overstaying your welcome?"

Casey gave a slight laugh and nodded. "I guess you're right."

"Of course I am."

Olivia laughed and shook her head. "You're more than welcome here for as long as you need, Case," she said, her voice full of love and compassion. "After everything you've done for us, it's about time we did something for you."

"Well, you have no idea how much this means to me," she said as she wiped away a tear and took a bite of her soup. "You guys are amazing. I honestly don't know what I'd do without you two."

Alex smiled and nodded her head understandingly. "We think you're pretty amazing, too. Please don't ever feel like you're not welcome here. Trust us to tell you if we want you out…and trust that that'll never happen."

Casey nodded and looked over to Olivia. "How are things going with Jason and Lindsay? Have you gotten anything out of them yet?"

Olivia, though slightly thrown off by the sudden change of topic, shook her head sadly. "Neither one of them will say how their fingerprints got on the bottle of pills. I don't know why, but they're both keeping their mouths shut."

Casey furrowed her eyebrows. "Does Lindsay know that unless she gives us something, I can't charge Jason with her rape? Her fingerprints on the bottle are going to kill whatever evidence we find."

"She knows."

"Is she still saying that he raped her?"

"Yep."

"Then why won't she say something?"

Olivia shook her head. "I have no idea."

"So we're screwed."

Alex looked up and gave Casey a playful, half – smile. "I guess it looks like I'll be taking you out to get trashed after all."

"What?"

"When we first got this case, and you were worried, I promised you that if we didn't win it, I'd take you out to the bar so you could get trashed. Looks like I might owe you that trip."

"Alex, that was just a joke."

"Well the offer still stands if you want to do it." She smiled mischievously. "Besides, the next case we win, you're taking me out to get trashed…or at least out to get drinks. It can be our thing."

Casey shook her head and rolled her eyes. "I don't want you to take me out every time we lose a case. I'd burn holes in your wallet. How about we alternate who takes the other out after each case we actually _win_?"

Alex took a deep breath and pretended to think about Casey's offer. A few seconds, she smiled and nodded. "I think that sounds like a good idea. My offer for this one defeat still stands, though, if you're interested."

"I'll let you know."

"Good."

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"Okay, Lindsay, this is the last time we're going to have the opportunity to talk about this," Olivia told her. Lindsay's lawyer had called Olivia, begging her to convince Lindsay to say something. "If you want us to charge Jason with your rape, you've gotta tell us how your fingerprints got on that bottle."

Lindsay shifted uncomfortably in her seat and looked away. She could feel the detective's eyes on her, and she hated that they were sitting so close together. She wanted to get away, and she wanted to get away fast.

"Lindsay," Olivia said gently as she hesitantly placed her hand over the young girl's. "It's okay. Talk to me. Tell me what happened. I can't help you unless you talk to me." She smiled when Lindsay looked up and their eyes met. "I want to put him away, honey, but unless you give me the information, I can't do that."

"I um…" she looked away, embarrassed. "I wanted to…"

Olivia frowned as the girl's voice trailed off. She gave her hand a reassuring squeeze and tried to smile. "It's okay, Lindsay. Whatever happened, it's okay. Just tell me."

She took a deep breath. "I um…I didn't know what they were. I found the bottle in the kitchen and asked somebody, but I don't remember who. He told me they would make me feel happy. I took a few. The next thing I remember is lying on my couch in my apartment."

As soon as the words came out of her mouth, Lindsay collapsed into tears. Olivia closed her eyes in defeat as she saw all hopes of winning the case go flying out the window. Lindsay had taken the pills herself. Nobody had drugged her. Jason could reasonably argue that he'd had no idea she wasn't consenting to the sex. The doctors had even said the sex hadn't been consistent with rape. She gave the girl's hand a final squeeze and smiled. "Okay, Lindsay. I'm going to see what I can do, okay?"

"Will you arrest him?" she asked, fear clearly evident in her eyes.

Olivia forced a small smile. "I'm going to try," she said, and then walked out of the interrogation room.

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"We don't have anything, do we?" Olivia asked Alex and Casey once she stepped to the other side of the two-way window.

Alex frowned and shook her head. "It doesn't look good. The fact that she willingly took the pills…that's rough."

"She was raped, Alex," Olivia said. "I don't care if she shoved all those pills down her own throat. That doesn't mean Jason didn't rape her."

"I agree," Alex insisted. "But that doesn't change the fact that a jury is not going to be at least a little upset that she took the pills on her own." She sighed and shook her head. "I'm sorry, Liv, but I don't think Casey and I can bring this to trial. She lied for days about how her fingerprints got on there, then she admitted to actually taking the pills. The whole basis of this rape accusation was that she had been drugged before it happened."

Olivia nodded and looked through the glass, frowning as she saw Lindsay sobbing into her lawyer's arms. She knew that Alex was right, but that didn't make her feel any better. She took a deep breath and made her way into the room, taking a seat next to Lindsay and trying to look her square in the eye. "Lindsay, I want first say that I am incredibly proud of you for sticking through this and doing everything you've done," Olivia started.

"We're not going to trial, are we?" Lindsay asked.

"It doesn't look that way."

"Because I took the pills myself?"

Olivia nodded. "That was the biggest part of the case. If a jury finds out you took them willingly, they're not going to be very sympathetic towards you. Jason's going to have one hell of a time getting off once that piece of information gets out."

"That's why I didn't say anything at first," Lindsay told her. "I knew that was going to ruin everything, but I figured you guys had a right to know. I hated that I kept lying to all of you."

"I'm really sorry, Lindsay."

"You believe he raped me, though, right?" Lindsay asked, a hint of desperation in her voice.

"Oh, yes," Olivia said reassuringly. "I believe you, sweetie. I believed you the second you told me what happened."

"Jason got expelled," she said suddenly. "They finally kicked him out."

"Good," Olivia said as relief swept over her. That bastard deserved to be in jail, but since that wasn't going to happen, she could deal with him getting expelled. At least the school was taking the incident seriously.

"I'm taking the semester off. Then I'm going back for my degree. I really want to finish school."

Olivia smiled proudly. "That's great, Lindsay. I'm really proud of you."

"Thanks," she answered, smiling slightly. "I really appreciate everything you did, Detective Benson. I knew this wasn't going to be easy and I knew he was going to get off, especially after everyone found out my part in it, but I still appreciate what you did. You're a special person, you really are."

Olivia smiled as she fought the tears. She patted Lindsay's hand several times and gave her a slight nod. "You're pretty special yourself, Lindsay. You were brave enough to come here all by yourself and tell me what happened. Trust me when I tell you that you're one of very few people who are brave enough to do that."

"Well you're a very easy person to talk to. The people in this city are lucky you're in this job." She grabbed her things and stood to leave, extending her hand and shaking Olivia's. "Thank you for trying."

Olivia shook the girl's hand and smiled. "Thank you for letting me try."

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"I really wanted to get that bastard," Olivia said sadly as she laid in the hospital bed, staring at the needle in her arm. She frowned as she knew that the chemo was going to make her sick that night, but she also knew that it was the only way she was going to beat this. She just hoped having her face in the toilet most of the night didn't wake Alex.

Alex squeezed her hand gently and smiled. "We all did, Liv, and you did one hell of a job with this one. You heard all those things she said to you afterwards. You did so, so great, honey."

"I should have done better."

Alex slowly climbed into the bed so she was lying next to Olivia. This was the first chemo treatment that Olivia had allowed her to come to, and it killed her to see Olivia hooked up to the machine. The doctors had warned the both of them that it would not only be a physically demanding journey, but an emotionally demanding one as well. Now, as Olivia fought her, Alex tried to find the strength to convince her that she hadn't done anything wrong. "There's nothing you could have done, honey," she said softly, pushing Olivia's hair out of her face and kissing her gently. "You did such a great job, Liv. You got that girl to trust you enough to tell you what happened. I am so proud of you."

"I don't think I'll be able to go in to work tomorrow," she said, changing the topic quickly. She didn't want to hear Alex praise her, not right now, not when she didn't feel worthy of such praise.

Alex nodded, understanding what Olivia was telling her. "Will you let me hold you tonight? I hate watching you in such pain and not being able to do something to alleviate it. Will you let me hold you?"

Olivia looked away and stared at the tile floor. "Why do you want to hold me? I'll probably have just puked my guts out in the toilet."

Alex smiled and turned Olivia's head to face her. "And we'll have gotten you cleaned up and into fresh, clean clothes. We'll give you a tic tac or something, and then I'll wrap you up in my arms and tell you how much I love you."

"Why do you want to hold me so badly?"

Alex frowned as Olivia questioned her love for her. "Because you held me all those nights that I needed you, even if I didn't want to admit that I needed you. You always seemed to know that holding me would make me feel better. Now…now I know that holding you just might make you feel better." She smiled slightly and sniffled a few times. "I love you, Olivia. If you're hurting, I want to hold you close. I want to wrap my arms around you and take away all your pain."

Olivia felt the tears falling down her cheeks even before she laid her head against Alex's chest. She went to wipe them away, but felt Alex stop her and hold her hands tightly. She bit her lower lip and closed her eyes. "I'm so scared," she admitted softly. "I'm so scared of losing you."

"Oh, Liv," Alex said softly as she pulled Olivia as close as possible. "Oh honey that will never, ever happen. I love you so much. I love you so much more than words could ever say." She kissed the top of Olivia's head and combed her fingers gently through her hair. "I will never, ever leave you. That's a promise I intend to keep." She tipped Olivia's head up so their eyes met. Once that happened, she smiled lovingly and placed a soft kiss on Olivia's lips. "You're the love of my life, Liv. There's nowhere else in this entire world that I would rather be other than right her, next to you. I love you."

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"You still sure you want to be right here?" Olivia asked before throwing her head back into the toilet for at least the sixth or seventh time that night. "You sure there's not –" she started, then threw up again. "That there's not somewhere else you'd rather be?"

Alex knelt down behind Olivia and gently rubbed her back as she pulled the hair out of her face. "I'm positive," she reassured her. "I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere." She held the hair back tight and continued rubbing her back. "You're going to beat this, Liv. You're going to get better, I know it."

"I'm so sorry, Alex. I don't mean to put you through this. I just –"

"It's okay, Liv," Alex interrupted. She was sure Olivia was finished vomiting for the time being, so she helped her stand up and walk over to the sink. As Olivia washed her face and rinsed out her mouth, Alex grabbed her a fresh shirt and shorts. "I love you, and I'm happy to be here with you, Liv. Please, believe me when I tell you that."

Olivia finished rinsing out her mouth and turned around to face Alex. Tears poured down her cheeks as she saw the loving look in her eyes. She smiled gratefully and took the pajamas from Alex's hands. "I don't know what I did to deserve you, but I honestly don't know what I'd do without you."

Alex smiled and wiped away a tear. "You got me to open up and start trusting people," she said happily. "You taught me how to live life, how to be happy." She waited until Olivia had finished changing and then gave her shoulders a tight squeeze. "I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for you. I love you more than anything else in this entire world, and I want to do everything in my power to get you better."

Olivia managed a grateful, half smile as she brought her hands up to meet Alex's. "I think I might just take you up on your offer," she said softly, diverting her eyes to the floor as she spoke.

Alex tilted her head to the side so she could meet Olivia's eyes. "Which offer?"

"The one where…the one where you said you'd – you'd hold me."

Alex smiled as she wrapped her arm around Olivia's shoulders and led her back to bed. "I will hold you forever," she said, and climbed into bed. She pulled Olivia against her and wrapped her arms tightly around her. "Just make yourself comfortable. As long as you're comfortable, so am I."

Olivia laid her head on Alex's chest and wrapped her arms around her waist. As Alex brought the blanket up over the two of them, she smiled and wrapped her arms tighter around Alex's waist. "I'm incredibly comfortable right now."

"Now you know how much you holding me helped," Alex told her softly. She softly began combing her fingers through Olivia's hair and kissed the top of her head lightly. "I felt so safe and so loved in your arms, Liv. I want you to feel that way, too."

As Olivia snuggled closer and pulled the blanket tightly against her, she smiled. "I feel just like that. You're an incredible woman, Alex. I don't know why the hell I was so scared to tell you, but I sure as hell am glad you don't hate for it."

"I understand why you were scared. I'm still a little disappointed that you waited so long to tell me," she admitted softly, "but I could never, ever hate you for this. I know you were scared, and I'm so, so grateful that you finally came and told me. I'm so glad that you worked through it to tell me. It proves how much you love me, and I think I needed to see that."

Olivia laughed slightly and bit her lower lip. "Well I sure as hell love you a lot more than I could ever express in words." She rolled over slightly and tilted her head so they could face each other. "We really make a pretty good pair, don't we?"

Alex smiled and kissed her, more passionately than she'd done since Olivia had first begun lying to her about the breast cancer. "We sure do," she said.

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"Casey, I can be on the first plane home if you need me to," Steve told her over the phone that night. She had called him in tears from Alex and Olivia's phone and he wasn't quite sure what to do. "I promise honey, just say the words and I'm there."

"No," she whispered, wiping away a tear. She had heard Olivia get up and start throwing up in the toilet not long ago, and had been tempted to go and check on her. When she heard Alex rush into the bathroom, she knew Olivia would be fine. After that, however, she started feeling even more guilty for intruding on them at this time. Right now, they needed to focus on Olivia's health, not on her inability to get over her alcoholic parents' deaths. "I'm okay, really. I just wanted to hear your voice."

"Are you sure?" he asked worriedly. He felt horrible that he wasn't there with her right now. He would have given anything to change that. "Casey, I can be there in a few hours. It won't be a huge deal."

"Don't," she told him. "This is an important trip and you need to do it if you have any hopes of moving up in the field. I'll be fine, I promise."

He took a deep breath and held it for several seconds before letting it out. She was right. If he hoped to get a raise and move anywhere in his job, this meeting was absolutely necessary. Still, he hated hearing the pain in her voice. "You're more important than this job," he told her. "I don't want you hurting like this alone."

She smiled and wiped away her tears. "I'm with Alex and Liv, though I think I might leave tomorrow. Olivia's really been getting sick from the chemo lately and I feel like I'm intruding."

He furrowed his eyebrows and frowned. "You're going home alone? I'll be there shortly."

She laughed. "Steve, don't come home. I talked to Jess at lunch the other day and she said I could crash with her if I needed to. I'm going to give her a call in the morning and see if that offer still stands."

He breathed a sigh of relief and smiled. "I'm sure that offer still stands. She'll give you the guest bedroom. Just make sure you take care of yourself, honey," he encouraged her. "I know I didn't like Jess at first, but she's really grown on me. If you need to talk, she'll listen. Please don't close up. I'm only gone a few more days, then I'll come right home."

"I won't close up," she assured him. "I love you, Steve."

"I love you, too, baby. I'll be home soon, I promise."

"I know. I'm going to take you out to dinner. I've missed you."

He smiled. "I'd like that. I've missed you, too."

She looked at her watch and frowned. "Well, I should probably go. I'm sure I've run up their long distance bill enough, and it's late. You probably have stuff to do in the morning. I'll try to call you tomorrow, if I can."

"Okay, well get some rest and tell Olivia that when she beats this damn thing we're all going on a cruise together, and she and Alex aren't paying for a penny of it."

Casey laughed and nodded. "I'll give her the message. Good night, Steve. I love you."

"'Night, Case. I love you, too."

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As soon as Allen walked into the apartment, his jaw nearly dropped to the ground. He put his briefcase down and stared at the rose petals scattered from the front door, through the living room, and stopping at the dining room table. On the table sat two tall candles, giving off a slight vanilla scent. Jess was standing behind them, smiling happily and eagerly awaiting his return. "What's going on?" he asked her.

"Come over here and find out," she teased.

He cocked his head in confusion as he walked over to the table. As he neared it, he noticed one of their nice blue plates sitting at his seat, though there were no other dishes on the table. Upon further inspection, however, he noticed what was lying on it. His eyes widened as he got closer and picked it up. "That's a plus sign," he said, looking at her with his mouth hanging open.

"Yep," she said excitedly.

"That's a plus sign."

"I know."

"You're pregnant?"

"I'm pregnant."

He couldn't stop the huge smile from forming on his face as he ran around the table and threw his arms around her. "We're going to have a baby!" he exclaimed excitedly. He picked her up and spun her around as he kissed her lightly on the lips. "We're going to have a baby!"

"Yeah," she said happily once her feet were back on the ground. "We're going to have a baby. We're going to be parents!

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Jeebus this sunburn is killing me. I'm going to buy a bajillion gallons of aloe and then completely smother my face in it.

I don't know how much longer I'm going to make this story. I have an idea of how to end it, but I'm not sure if I want to do that just yet. I also have an idea for another story that I really want to start writing, but with my schedule, trying to write two stories is a bad idea. I think I'll keep this one going as long as I can and then start the next one…


	17. Letters

Disclaimer: I don't own the Law and Order: SVU characters. Dick does.

Okay, you guys are all amazing. You keep telling me about your happy dances every time I update, but I must say that every time you review, I'm doing a little happy dance myself. THANK YOU:)

Also, Little People, you pointed out a rather large mistake and I thank you a million times for it. In chapter 15, I had Olivia taking off work, then in the next chapter, I have her at work. Yikes. I meant to say in 15 that she was only going to go in when she was feeling well, and as the symptoms from the chemo got worse, she'd take off completely. As of right now, she's only going in when she's feeling well. Sorry about that…:-\

Hey lookie everyone, it's a super crazy long chapter!

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Just as Jess and Allen were sitting down to a romantic dinner to celebrate the pregnancy, the doorbell rang. Jess' shoulders sunk and she looked desperately at Allen. She just wanted to have this celebratory dinner with her husband. The last time she'd sat down to have a special dinner with him, it had been interrupted by Casey's phone call. She closed her eyes, trying to calm her anger, and stood to open the door.

"If I'm interrupting something, just tell me and I'll go home," Casey said hesitantly. Her hands were full of her bags, which she shifted to better keep her balance.

Jess frowned and moved out of the way so Casey could come inside. "What's wrong? Is everything okay?" _Somebody better be dying this time, Case. Allen and I are celebrating something really friggen big_, she added to herself.

Casey slowly walked into the entranceway, but decided it best not to move farther into the apartment until she knew it was okay with Jess and Allen. She kept a tight hold on her bags as well, just in case she had to turn to leave right then. She wasn't as close to them as she was to Olivia and Alex, and she wanted to make sure she was welcomed there before she made any sudden moves. She looked over at the dining room and frowned as she saw the food already set out. "I've interrupted your dinner again, haven't I?" she asked guilty. She turned to leave. "I don't want to ruin another dinner for you. I'll go."

Jess gently placed her hand on Casey's shoulder and squeezed slightly. "Stay here tonight," she said softly. She turned her head to look at Allen, her eyes begging him to say something in agreement with her.

"You're not ruining anything," Allen said, echoing Jess' words. He was upset that he and Jess wouldn't be celebrating the pregnancy that night, but they had nine months to do that. Casey needed them now. He walked over to her and smiled. "Jess and I can take a rain check on dinner. It's not a problem."

Casey's eyes filled with tears as she looked from the door to the romantically set table to Allen. "Are you sure?"

"We're positive," Jess assured her. She smiled as Casey finally put her bags down and sat down on the couch. Before an awkward silence could fall over the room, Jess sat down next to her and placed her hand on her back. "Have you eaten yet?"

"I'm not hungry."

Jess frowned and met Casey's eyes. "Case, try to eat something."

"I don't want to impose. You guys go ahead. I'll be –"

"We made plenty of food," Allen interrupted, urging her to join them. "You're not imposing."

Casey looked longingly at the food on the table. It smelled delicious and, truth be told, she was starving. She still felt terrible about landing in Jess and Allen's living room at the worst possible moment, but they didn't seem too upset. They appeared to be a little disappointed that they weren't going to get that romantic dinner, but that was understandable. Casey was just surprised that they were putting her before themselves. While such acts were frequent among her friends nowadays, it was still something she was trying to get used to. Growing up, nobody ever put her first. They had always put themselves before her, regardless of the situation. Now that she was being put before someone else, she felt awkward.

"The food's getting cold," Jess said, interrupting Casey's thoughts. "Allen made this wonderfully delicious chicken and three cheese casserole, and it just doesn't taste nearly as good when we have to stick it in the microwave."

Casey laughed and wiped away a tear. "Thank you," she whispered, not sure if she trusted her voice. She followed Jess into the dining room and smiled excitedly at all of the food as Allen set a place for her. "Allen, this looks…wow. It…I don't know what to say. It looks delicious."

"It tastes even better," Jess told her.

"Now you're just embarrassing me," Allen said as he sat down and served Casey, then Jess, and finally himself. He smiled slightly when Casey hesitated before picking up her fork. "You're always welcome here, Case," he told her. "I don't want you feeling bad for any of this."

"Friends help friends," Jess added. "You forgave me for what I did to you, and I know that wasn't easy. You convinced me to marry Allen. You helped me convince Olivia to talk to Alex." She smiled warmly and patted Casey's hand. "Let us help you now."

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Later that evening, after dinner had been put away and the dishes loaded into the dishwasher, Jess found Casey sitting on the couch, her knees pulled up to her chest, trying not to cry. She sat down next to her and offered a slight, understanding smile. "I was really upset when my parents died," she started. "I hated all the things they did to me and all of their bigoted, racist beliefs. But the thing I hated most was that I never got a chance to tell them how I felt. I loved them, but they hurt me, and I never got the chance to tell them that."

Casey felt the tears welling in her eyes as she listened to Jess' story. "They missed my eighth grade graduation, every single one of my softball games, my proms, my high school graduation, my college graduation…everything. all because they were too drunk to remember. I always told them I hated them for it, but I never told them how much it actually hurt." She looked up and smiled as she saw Jess nodding understandingly. Her own words practically echoed Jess'.

Jess sighed sadly at Casey's story, but was in a way grateful that she could understand what the woman was going through. "There was a Get Fuzzy comic that came out right after Ray Charles died. Satchel – the dog – wrote a letter to him, folded it into an airplane, and threw it over a hilly countryside. I did the same thing after my parents died. Allen took me camping up in the mountains, and I threw it over this amazing beautiful lookout point." She laughed and looked away. "Writing that letter…it was amazingly good therapy. I know it's stupid but –"

"No," Casey said, smiling as she wiped away a tear. "It actually sounds like a really good idea right now."

"Yeah?"

Casey nodded. "Yeah."

Jess smiled and tilted her head to the side, trying to think of a plan. After a few silent motives, she came up with one, and she smiled eagerly at Casey's waiting stare. "Are you doing anything this weekend?"

"Not that I know of. Why?"

"Let's go camping."

"Seriously? That's kind of short notice. Don't you have to reserve spots or something?"

"Sometimes, but right now most places don't fill up. It's during the summer, when they're busiest, that you have to reserve spots." She took a deep breath and bit her lower lip nervously. "I've got a letter I'd like to write myself," she admitted. "I think it'd be good therapy if we could go as a group. Maybe you and Steve, me and Allen, Alex and Olivia…all of us."

"I think that…that sounds like a really good idea."

Jess smiled and yawned. It was nearing midnight and she was exhausted, but she was worried that Casey still needed to talk. When Casey rubbed her eyes and nodded, however, she was relieved. "I think we're both exhausted, huh?"

"I know I am."

Jess stood and pulled Casey up with her. She walked with her to the guest bedroom and made sure she had everything she needed. Before she turned off the light on her way out, she smiled warmly at Casey. "I'm glad you felt this was a safe place for you, Case. I would hate for you to be alone right now."

"You're the reason I felt safe coming here," Casey told her. "I just wish you had found Alex sooner so we could have made up sooner. You're a good kid, Jess."

Jess laughed and shook her head. "Everyone keeps calling me a kid. I'm barely five years younger than you and barely six years younger than Alex."

"You're still the baby."

Jess rolled her eyes and turned around. "Yeah, yeah. Good night, Case."

"'Night, Jess."

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"Camping with everyone, huh?" Allen asked after Jess explained her idea to him. He laid on his back, staring up at the ceiling, as he thought it over. "I like it. I think it'll be a lot of fun."

"I think so, too. I love camping. That plus spending the weekend with everyone…I think it'll be one amazing weekend. I'll give Alex and Olivia a call tomorrow. Casey said she'd talk to Steve when he gets home. Hopefully everybody'll be able to make it."

He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close. As he kissed her lightly, he smiled. "Do you have any idea just how lucky I am that I married you?"

She blushed and shook her head. "Allen, stop. I'm not –"

"Don't you dare say anything to argue against what I just told you," he said sternly. As much progress as she had made accepting compliments and love from those around her, she still slipped occasionally into being unable to do so. He brushed the hair out of her face and kissed her again. "I love you, and you're by far the most amazing woman in the world. What you do to help people…it's incredible." He smiled proudly and wrapped his other arm around her. "You have one hell of an amazing ability to make people feel safe, comfortable…loved." He pushed the button on the lamp sitting on his nightstand, and allowed darkness to envelop the room. "You're incredible, and I love you so, so much. Never forget that," he said softly.

Jess snuggled against him and smiled, enjoying the compliments he was giving her. At the same time, however, she felt a slight feeling of worry creeping into her. Why was he praising her this much all of a sudden? It wasn't unusual for him to tell her he loved her at night, but this was slightly over the top. He almost sounded desperate. She decided to ignore the feeling for now, but made a mental note to make sure she told him she loved him as many times as she could the next day. Deciding they were both too tired to get into a lengthy conversation now, she instead smiled as she wrapped her arms around his waist. "I love you, too, Allen. I love you, too."

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Feeling like luck was on her side, Jess decided not to call the campground in advance to reserve three sites next to each other. Everybody had easily been able to clear their weekend, and they all headed out once everyone was done work on Friday afternoon. The three cars pulled into the campground at four that afternoon. Jess went to the office with Allen while everyone else walked around, checking out the immediate area.

"There's a twenty dollar charge that'll be added to each site," the man behind the counter told her angrily. "You're supposed to reserve these things in advance. Consider yourselves likely that we're in the off season and we're practically empty."

"Where the hell does it say we have to reserve in advance?"

"That's our policy."

"Does it say that anywhere?"

He pointed towards the door and rolled his eyes. "There's a sign on the door. Go somewhere else if you don't like it."

"No," she said angrily as she pulled out her wallet and handed him her credit card. "We'll stay."

"Fine." He processed her order, waited for her to sign the receipt, and handed her a map. He quickly highlighted the road she was to take up to the three sites. "Enjoy your stay. Hopefully you'll reserve in advance and come back again."

Before Jess could say something, Allen pulled her away and dragged her towards the door. "He's not worth your time, honey. He's not worth your time."

"Just don't tell anyone about the extra charge," she said before they stepped outside. "They're all paying me back for the sites, but I don't want them knowing about the extra charge. I was the one stupid enough to tell them it would be fine that we didn't reserve them in advance."

He laughed and walked out of the office with her. "Your secret's safe with me."

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"Jess, this place is beautiful," Olivia said once they had their tents set up. Everyone was gathered around the campfire at Jess and Allen's site. "I can't believe our sites are so close to the hiking trails."

"One of them leads to this amazing cliff," Jess said excitedly. "I can't remember which one, but I'll talk to the guy in the morning. I'm sure he knows."

"Maybe I should talk to him," Allen joked.

"Why?"

"Because you were about to rip his head off back there."

Worried that Allen was going to spill the fact that there had been an extra charge, Jess slapped him playfully. "He was just an arrogant bastard who wouldn't take his eyes off my chest," she said. At least it wasn't a complete lie. He had been staring at her chest when she first came in. "Maybe I can use it to my advantage."

"Hey!" Allen exclaimed. "You're not going to go parading your amazingly hot body around just to get information on which trail leads to the top of the mountain. If anything, Steve and I will go in there and pummel him until he gives up the information."

The entire group broke out into laughter. As the evening wore on, they talked about their jobs, the current events of the world, and everything in between. They joked frequently, and had an all around good time. As fatigue began to set in, Casey sighed and nervously straightened her pants several times before speaking. "I guess I should thank all of you. You've been so incredibly supportive these last few weeks. I honestly don't think I would have made it without you guys."

Alex smiled and patted her thigh. "We're just glad you're feeling better. We'd do anything to help you, Case."

She nodded. "I know, and that's why I love you so much. I talked to Jess, and she suggested this trip. I, um, well she gave me a really good idea that I thought I'd share with all of you, since we're going out to that cliff tomorrow anyway." She smiled nervously, and gained a little confidence when she saw Jess give her an encouraging nod. "She suggested that I write a letter to my parents…tell them everything I always wanted to tell them but never got a chance to. Then I should fold it into an airplane and throw it off the cliff…"

Everyone stared at her for several seconds, not quite sure what to say next. Olivia spoke first, a small smile creeping onto her face. "Wow," she said softly. "That's actually a really good idea. I think I might do that."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I don't know why I never thought of it before." She turned to Jess and smiled. "Who gave you that idea? I want to meet them so I can thank them for their genius."

"Darby Conley," Jess answered.

"Well you'll have to introduce me to her so I can –"

"Him," Jess corrected.

"What?"

"Darby's a him, and he's the guy who writes the Get Fuzzy comics."

Olivia shook her head in confusion. "You got your idea from a comic strip?"

"Yep."

"Wow."

"Yeah, I'm weird. I know."

Olivia laughed and nodded. "Yeah, a little, but we love you. It's a really good idea anyway, even if you did get it from a bunch of talking animals."

Everyone laughed and stood up, gathering their things and heading to their tents. They all said their goodnights and hoped that one another slept well. Allen put out the fire while everyone else walked around to make sure nobody had left any food sitting out. The last thing any of them wanted was to wake up the following morning to find raccoons everywhere. Once everything was cleaned up, everyone bid another good night and went to bed.

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The hike to the top of the mountain took about two hours. It was relatively easy, but by the end, everyone was glad to finally reach the top. They had all written their letters the night before – everyone had written one – and they were eager to fold them up and send them on their way. They sat down together near the edge and took out their letters. As they were about to start folding them into airplanes, Jess took a deep breath and sighed loudly. "You know what?" she said nervously. "I think I'll read mine." She paused for a few seconds before continuing. "I know they're personal and everything, but I'd kind of like to share it. I don't know…maybe it'll help even more."

Allen smiled and nodded encouragingly. "If you feel comfortable sharing it, then by all means, do so." He gave her hand a gentle squeeze and kissed her lightly. "There's no judgment here, sweetie," he whispered to her. "Know that, okay?"

"I know," she whispered back as she held her letter and stood up in front of everyone. She smiled nervously and took a deep breath, then began reading.

_Mom and Dad,_

_As much as it pains me to say this, I do actually miss you. I know that, deep down, you did care about me, even if you never really showed it. I only wish that you were still alive so I could tell you how I really feel. All those times you locked me in that closet, all those times you locked me in my room just because I asked for a few more pencils for school, all those times you told me I was the biggest mistake you'd ever made…everything…I never told you how much that hurt me. I never told you how hard it was for me to accept love from other people, all because of how you treated me as a child. It was the most terrifying experience of my life the first time Allen told me he loved me, because I was sure something bad was going to happen afterwards. Every time one of you said it, you either laughed when I believed you, or you took something from me. It was always a punishment coming out of your mouths. How else was I supposed to feel the first time he said it to me? You taught me that love didn't exist, and that I was worthless, stupid, and a failure. Now I know better. Allen taught me that. Allen taught me that I was worthy of being loved, that I wasn't a failure. He taught me how to love myself. He taught me that the world really was a beautiful and wonderful place. You were the ones who were supposed to do that, but you didn't. I may have loved you, but I didn't like you. I just thought you guys deserved to know that. I'm sorry you died before I got a chance to tell you._

_I hope you're happy now, and that you can see the person I've become. I'll see you in Heaven._

_Jess_

She wiped away a few tears, folded the paper into an airplane, and threw it as hard as she could. She felt an odd sense of relief wash over her as she watched the airplane soar over the tops of the trees below. As she felt Allen walk up behind her and wrap his arms around her, she smiled. "That feels really good…writing that letter and throwing it like that." She turned around and smiled at him. "It feels really good."

He wiped the hair from her face and smiled. "Good. I'm glad that helped."

"It was a beautiful letter," Alex said softly. "Wherever they are right now, I'm sure they're looking down and listening."

"Thanks," she said softly as she sat back down with the group. Before too awkward a silence surrounded them, she smiled nervously. "You can all throw your planes now," she said.

"I think I want to read mine, too," Olivia said suddenly. She smiled when she felt Alex gently rub her back, and stood up. She pulled the paper out of her pocket and unfolded it.

_Mom,_

_I know that you regretted not getting that abortion you always wanted. Growing up, I frequently believed that it would have been easier if you had just gotten rid of me before I even had a chance at life. It would have made a lot of things easier. Now, however, I'm glad you decided to keep me. In fact, I'm almost glad I grew up the way I did. I'm not saying that I'm glad you got drunk everyday, or that you beat me, but I'm glad that I was able to live through it. I'm glad that I survived it. I know that I'm a strong woman now, and I wouldn't be that way if you hadn't treated me the way you did. Your purpose in life was to make me as miserable as possible because you were always miserable. You're probably laughing right now because I'm sick, hoping that it'll be my downfall. I'm happy to say that I've found a cure for my misery. She's the most amazing woman in the world and I love her more than I've ever loved anyone or anything in this entire world. She has given me a reason to smile, a reason to be happy. I just want you to know that I know, somewhere deep down inside yourself, you loved me. You wouldn't have kept me if you didn't. I also want you to know that no matter how much you tried to make me a miserable person, I'm not that way anymore. Your purpose in life was to ruin me, and you've failed. I'm happier now than I've ever been before, and seeing those I have around me, I know that I'm only going to get happier as the years go on. I just thought you deserved to know that._

_Olivia_

After Olivia finished reading her letter, she threw it off the side and breathed a sigh of relief. Jess was right. This really was amazingly therapeutic. She stood there for several seconds, staring out at the wilderness in front of her, then nodded and took her seat. She felt Alex wrap an arm around her and smiled as she leaned her head onto Alex's shoulder. "That felt good," she said softly as she smiled.

One by one, everyone in the group decided to share their letters. It wasn't discussed or planned that this would be the case, but after each person shared their letter, someone else wanted to share theirs. Nobody spoke as someone was sharing, and when one person finished and sent their letter flying, they took a seat with everyone else, and the next person stood to share.

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_Mom,_

_I miss you more than you could possibly imagine. I know that we frequently didn't get along, and I more often than not said some things that I regretted. I want you to know that I always loved you. I think my biggest problem was that you stayed married to dad, no matter how many times he cheated on you, and no matter how many times the Army made us move. You always told me you felt bad making me switch schools so many times, but you never did anything about it. You always told me it was because of dad's job and that if you weren't married to him, you'd never make me move again. You told me you didn't love him, yet you stayed married to him. I think that's why I was always so angry with you…because you kept giving me reasons to leave him, yet you never did it. I'm sorry for the things I said to you while you were sick. I'd take them back in an instant if I could just spend one more minute with you. I love you and I miss you._

_Steve_

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_Mom and Dad,_

_I always hated you guys. I hated that you got drunk nearly every night. I hated that you were frequently gone for days at a time. I hated that I had to rely on neighbors sometimes just so I could have something to eat. I hated that you missed every single important event that ever occurred in my life. But most of all, I hated that you only acted like parents maybe two or three times every month. That was confusing as hell for me. I never knew what was going on when you showed me affection and everything. It was actually scary to wake up and find you cooking breakfast for me. Something like that shouldn't be scary for a ten – year – old, but it was for me, because I didn't want to allow myself to enjoy that kind of behavior. I didn't want to get excited that you were cooking for me, loving me, because I knew it wouldn't last. I knew that there was a very good possibility that I would wake up the next morning and you wouldn't be there. It was painful, and confusing, and scary as hell, and I hated you for it. I just wish you knew how much pain that caused me. I know that you know how much I hated you, but I never told you just how much it hurt. Now I'm telling you that it hurt more than you could possibly imagine, and I hope that now that you're in heaven, you're thinking about what you did, and you're feeling at least a little guilty. I don't want you to be sad. I want you guys to be resting peacefully, but I also want you to know that I was hurting, and I'm still hurting. I'm getting better though. I have the most amazing friends in the world and by far the best husband a woman could ask for. You didn't completely ruin me, no matter how horribly you acted._

_Casey_

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_Lexy,_

_I hope you're not mad that I took your name. I just couldn't stand people calling me Sarah any longer. Yours was a strong name, and you were a strong woman. I wanted to be just like you. That's why I took it. I hope I'm making you proud. I'm trying my best to be everything I can and everything I knew you would be. You were so strong, and so loving, and I miss you so much. I remember when you taught me to ride a bike, when you used to put my hair up just like yours, when you never got mad that I always followed you around everywhere you went. Any other older sister probably would have killed me, but you made it seem like you enjoyed having me around. I think you knew mom and dad didn't care about us very much, even at your young age, and you wanted to make sure I knew what love was. You wanted to make sure I knew what it felt like to be loved and cared for. These were things that no child should have had to do at your age, but you did them anyway, and you did them without complaint. You loved me so much, and you never treated me like the annoying little sister that I know I was. I miss you so much more than I can express in this letter. I know you're up there watching over me, and I hope that I'm making you proud. I know that I'm extremely proud of you. I miss you, and I'll see you again someday. Save a spot in Heaven for me._

_Alex_

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_Mom and Dad,_

_Although I knew you for only six short years, I wish I had never met you. The only thing I can thank you for is that you had me, and by doing that, I was given the chance to be raised by the two best mothers in the entire world. Everything else about you, however, I hate. I hated all the touching you did – and made me do. I hated the rapes. I hated how you always brought your friends over and let them touch me…how you made me touch them. I hated everything you made me do with them. I hated that you took pictures of me all the time, doing those horrible things with them. I hated being tied up so I couldn't squirm when they were hurting me. I hated it all. I hated you, and I still do in a way. I just think you ought to know that I was given to an incredibly loving family, and they cared for me in ways that you never did. They got me the absolute best help available, and after several years, I started to learn to trust people. You ruined my childhood, but you did not ruin my life. I was angry and self – destructive for many, many years after being removed from your home. I never thought I'd be happy. My moms taught me what love was. They taught me that I was worthy of such a thing. My wife…she loves me, too. I never thought I'd get married after what you did to me, but I did. You may have tried to turn me into a sex toy, and you did for six years, but you failed in ruining my life. I have a wonderfully amazing life right now, and I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world._

_Allen_

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After Allen read his letter and threw it, everyone was silent. He'd never shared this secret with anyone, not even Jess, and nobody knew what to say. Jess sat there, her eyes wide with shock as she listened to his words, his voice barely strong enough to keep going. It cracked occasionally as he tried not to cry, but he held himself together far better than anyone would have expected him to. Instead of returning to the group, however, he began walking down one of the trails that lead down into the mountain. He didn't turn to face anyone – didn't even say where he was going. He just stuck his hands in his pockets and began walking.

"I, um…" Jess started, not sure what to say. She felt the tears pouring down her cheeks as she watched her husband walking defeatedly down the trail and out of sight. She stood up quickly and wiped away her tears. "I'll be right back," she said, taking off in his direction, hoping that she caught up to him soon.

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Okay, that was a long one. If it's too long, let me know. I know where I can split it into two chapters, but I just left it like this because it was easier :)


	18. Let's do this every year

Disclaimer: I don't own the Law and Order: SVU characters. Dick does.

You may all be getting updates a little more frequently. I have a 3 hour gap between classes on Mondays since I dropped my stupid English class. It gives me time to sit in the library all by my lonesome and write more chapters…yes, physically handwrite more chapters. I can't really use the computers in the lab because there's a bajillion people around. Instead, I go to a quieter area and just write. Then, I come home and type them all up. Whoo hoo :)

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Jess took off down the trail after Allen. She wasn't in the best shoes for hiking, and the terrain was pretty rocky, but she ran as fast as she could without risking serious injury. She had to find him. She didn't care if she broke both her ankles in the process. She just had to find him.

Her heart sunk as she rounded a curve and saw that the trail split into two directions. One trail, the one she was currently on, curved to the right and went down into the mountain. Off to the left, however, another trail branched off and headed higher up the mountain. She walked to the trail split and sighed sadly, unable to tell which path he had taken. "Allen!" she screamed worriedly as she looked all around her for some sign that would tell her where he was. "Come on, baby, where are you?" she asked quietly. She turned back to the trail split. "Allen!" she screamed again, praying she got a response.

"Up here," he said several seconds later. "Take the path to your left."

Relief flooded over her as she raced to the top of the trail as fast as she could. She reached the top, breathing hard, and smiled with relief when she finally saw him. He was standing fairly close to the edge, his back towards her and his hands in his pockets. She slowly began to make her way towards him.

"I just needed a few minutes alone," he said, still standing with his back to her.

She immediately stopped walking towards him and took a small step back. "Do you need more time? I can –"

"No," he said softly as he turned around and offered her a slight smile. "Stay." He nodded and held out his hand, beckoning her to join him on the ledge.

As soon as he held out his hand, she ran towards him, tears pouring down her cheeks. She flung her arms around him and held him tight. "I love you so much," she told him as she pulled away and looked him in the eyes. "Don't you ever run off like that again!" she screamed, though there was clearly more fear and concern than anger. "I was so worried about you!"

"I'm sorry," he told her as he sat down on a rock and looked out over the mountains. "I didn't know what to say to anyone and I haven't really talked to anybody about what happened. I just…" his voice trailed off.

She sat down next to him on the rock, ignoring the jagged edges that were painfully stabbing her, and took his hand. "Take as much time as you need up here," she told him softly. She followed his gaze out to the mountains and tried to take in everything that he'd said in his letter. She couldn't believe that she'd never learned this part of his past. After all the conversations she'd had with both of his mothers and with him, she'd never been even given a small hint that something like this had been done to him. She wanted to kick herself for not knowing this huge part of what made him him.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," he said several minutes later. "I just wasn't sure how to. It's not exactly something that I think about on a daily basis. My moms…they threw me right into the best therapy possible and they were so incredibly supportive." He smiled as he felt her squeeze his hand, and even allowed a few tears to fall from his eyes as he saw her doing the same. "They helped me get through so much. It wasn't easy at first, and I know that I put them through hell, but they never gave up on me." He smiled proudly as he looked back over the tops of the trees in the distance. "They helped me move on. They helped me to love myself and believe that I deserved to be loved in return. When I met you," he said, smiling as he looked her in the eyes. "I knew everything was going to be okay. I knew life was worth living. I knew…I knew that I deserved to be happy, and that you were the absolute perfect person for me."

Ignoring the tears that were pouring down her cheeks, she kissed him and then threw her arms around him. "I love you, and I am so, so incredibly proud of you," she said, holding him tight. As she sat there, she thought back to the handful of times when he'd been unable to make love to her. There had been a few occasions where he simply couldn't bring himself to do it. There had even been a few times when she'd been on top and had started to move his hands above his head, that he'd immediately pulled them back down and instead wrapped them around her. She had always been patient with him, but now she wondered if maybe should have been even a little more patient.

"I guess I really dropped a bombshell on you guys, huh?" he said several minutes later.

She smiled warmly and shrugged her shoulders "I'm just glad you felt comfortable enough to share that. You're an incredible man, Allen. I'm so glad I found you when I did."

He cupped her face with his hand and smiled as he kissed her. "Thank you," he told her when he pulled away.

She furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. "For what?"

"For not being upset that I waited until now to tell you."

A flood of relief swept over her as she listened to his words. She was glad that he wasn't thanking her for staying with him despite what had happened. It proved that he truly had beaten the demons of his past. Still, even if that was the reason for his apology, she would have supported him and told him not to apologize. She smiled as she stood up, pulling him with her. She could tell by the look on his face that she didn't need to say anything.

As they neared the final curve before they would reach everyone else, Allen hesitated. Jess noticed his sudden apprehension and moved so that she was standing right in front of him. Smiling warmly, she squeezed his hands and nodded encouragingly. "Out of all the people you could have gotten to know in this world," she started. "This group is probably the least likely to allow this to affect how they feel about you. They're not going to let this change a thing."

He nodded and took a few deep breaths. "I know. I think I just needed to hear you say that."

She smiled warmly and moved out of the way. "It looks like we were all born into some pretty shitty circumstances," she said, laughing a little. "Maybe that's why we all get along so well. We understand each other better than anyone else can." She gave his hand a final squeeze as they began walking again. "That's what makes us a family. We love each other and we support each other, no matter what."

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Just as Jess had assured him, and just as he had known all along, everyone was very supportive when Allen returned to the group. They all smiled and did their best not to make him feel awkward or embarrassed. Steve gave a slight nod, telling him that he was proud of him for telling his story. Olivia and Casey both gave him encouraging smiles as he walked closer. Though nobody was quite sure what to say as he approached, Alex stood slowly and hesitantly wrapped her arms around him once she was sure he was okay. "You're a good man, Allen," she told him quietly, so only he could hear it. "You're an inspiration."

He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion but returned the hug and whispered into her ear. "How am I an inspiration?" he asked, completely unaware of what she was trying to tell him.

She took a deep breath and bit her lower lip. "Because of where you are right now and how far you've come. With everything in your past, you're still strong and happy and you enjoy life and…" she sighed and smiled slightly. "I hope that I can get to where you are one day. I'm a hell of a lot better than I was before I met any of you, but I have a really, really long way to go." She forced a weak smile and nodded. "I want to get to where you are someday.

He pulled out of the hug and smiled as he looked her in the eyes. "You will," he said encouragingly. "You're already pretty much there. I can see it in your eyes and in your actions. It just takes a while to really move on and everything. Do I still occasionally think about everything that happened to me? Yes. I don't think it's possible to ever get rid of something like this completely. Just trust that everyone here loves you. Trust that we'll support you and always be there for you, no matter what, and you'll make it. There's no doubt in my mind about that."

She gave him a quick and final hug, and smiled. "Thank you."

"You're an amazingly strong woman, Alex," he told her as he took his seat with the rest of the group. He wasn't really sure what to say, and he knew nobody else knew either, but he was glad that the silence wasn't an awkward one. Everyone sat together, looking out over the mountains, thinking about everything they'd written in their letters.

"I think we should make this a habit," Steve said after several minutes had passed. When everyone turned to face them, he smiled nervously. "I mean, this was a really, really good experience for me. I know we probably won't want or need to write a letter like this every year, but I think we should at least come out here and camp for a weekend. It's been…incredible."

Casey smiled and wrapped an arm around him. As she looked out at everyone, she was glad to see happy, smiling faces. "I agree. This has been an amazing weekend. I'm sad we're leaving tomorrow, but I think we should do it again. Steve's right. Maybe a once a year thing would be nice."

Everyone nodded in agreement and began making their way down the trail and back to their campsites. The hike back down was a quiet one, everybody thinking and reflecting on the afternoon. When they arrived back at the sites, it was approaching dusk and everyone scrambled to find firewood for the fire. They gathered once again at Jess and Allen's campsite and cooked hotdogs and hamburgers over the fire. It was a pleasant evening, with much lighter, more pleasant conversations than during the afternoon. They all turned in early, everyone emotionally exhausted, and decided to sleep as late as possible, as there was no rush to get home early on a Sunday. They bid each other good night and went to their own tents.

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As they climbed into the sleeping bag – they'd laid one on the bottom and were covering themselves with another – Jess and Allen wrapped themselves into each other's arms and held each other tight. "I am so glad I married you," Jess told him. "I love you so much."

He smiled as she nestled her head into the crook of his neck. "I'm glad you married me, too," he said, giving a little chuckle. "I'm so glad you took that damn class way back when, and that you agreed to go out with me once I was no longer your mentor."

She smiled and looked up at him. "I'm just glad you didn't give up your pursuits. I know I wasn't exactly easy to convince to go out. I know I was really hesitant at first. Thanks for not giving up on us."

"I knew I loved you the second I first laid eyes on you," he told her. "There was just something about you…you had a spark in your eyes. I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with you."

"Well I'm still glad you didn't give up."

"Me, too, Jess. Me, too."

Several minutes passed and Jess could feel the tension rising within her. There was a question that she desperately wanted to ask him, but she was terrified. It wasn't exactly an easy question to ask, and she didn't want to ruin what was an incredible weekend. Finally, however, she couldn't take it any longer. She had to ask him. She had to be sure of something. She took a deep breath and looked nervously up at him. "Allen, can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"It might not exactly be an easy question."

He swallowed nervously and nodded. "Yeah," he said after a few seconds of hesitation. "Go ahead."

She furrowed her eyebrows at his hesitation. "Are you sure? If it's too much after this afternoon, just tell me. I can ask –"

"It's okay," he assured her, and was even able to give her a slight smile. He wasn't even that nervous about whatever the question might be. As he looked into her eyes, he knew that no matter what it was, and no matter the answer he gave her, it wasn't going to harm their relationship. "Ask me."

She took a deep breath and held it for several seconds before letting it out slowly. "I was just wondering if…I mean, there were a few times, maybe two or three when…" she trailed off, unsure of how to best ask the question. "I remember a few times when I was…on top and went to move your hands up and…and you immediately brought them down and wrapped them around my waist. I just…did I…I didn't hurt you did I?"

He swallowed hard as he heard the words come out of her mouth. Somehow, he had known that was going to be her question. "That's the one position I can't stand to be in," he said quietly. "I can't stand to be on my back with my hands above my head. It just…brings back too many memories of being tied up."

She could feel her throat swelling as she tried to fight the tears. She wrapped both her arms around him and pulled him as close as she possibly could. "Oh, God, Allen. I didn't know. I never would have –"

"It's okay, Jess," he told her as he hugged her back. "It's not your fault. There's no way you could have known. It's okay."

"Allen?"

"Yeah?"

She smiled and wiped away a few tears as she looked up at him. "I think I prefer your hands around me anyways."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," she said, rolling over and kissing him. "The more of you that's touching me, the better."

He rolled over onto his back and pulled her on top of him, wrapping his arms around her waist and returning her kiss. "Then I'll keep my arms wrapped around you."

"Good." She smiled as she leaned in to kiss him. She was relieved that he had been so open to answering her question, and had even been successful in assuaging a little of her guilt over trying to get his hands above his head. Though she didn't say it – it didn't really need to be said – she would never again try to put him in that position unless he voiced his desire to work past it. Until then, she was happy to allow things to progress as they were right at this very moment.

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Okay, I'm aware that this chapter is a hell of a lot shorter than my previous ones. I apologize. I wanted to get it out before I lose my Internet for the next couple of days while we try to get settled into the new house.

The good news? I'll have lots of time to write the chapters, so there's a pretty good possibility that in about a week and a half, you'll be getting two or maybe even three chapters all at one times. You lucky dogs, you…


	19. Thanks for Being Here

Disclaimer: I don't own the Law and Order: SVU characters. Dick does.

So I know it's been a while since I've updated, and I apologize, but we moved. We got into the new house a few days ago but still have no internet. I'm at my father's house right now and have the opportunity to get at least one chapter up. Hopefully by this weekend I'll be back to my old faithfully updating self :)

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"Looked like you and Allen were having a bit of a chat when he came back," Olivia said, wrapping her arms around Alex. "Everything okay?"

Alex smiled and allowed Olivia to pull her close. "We were, and it is. I was just telling how much of an inspiration he is."

"You're an inspiration, too, you know."

"Maybe," Alex said, sighing as she met Olivia's eyes. "He's just so…I don't know…strong I guess. I want to get there someday."

Olivia smiled proudly as she brushed a few pieces of hair from Alex's face. "You _are_ strong, baby. You've come such a long way just in the short time since you told me about what happened." As Alex looked away in embarrassment, Olivia pulled her face back towards her and looked her in the eyes. "You have, and you're stronger than anybody else I've ever met. I am so incredibly proud of you and I love you so much."

"I love you, too," Alex said, a few tears rolling down her cheeks. "I feel strong – sometimes. Then I go and have another nightmare or a flashback and I feel so weak again."

Olivia squeezed her gently and smiled. "I know that when those things happen, you feel weak, but that's normal. It's okay that they still happen, Alex. Considering everything that you went through, I'd be a little worried if it didn't happen at least every now and then."

"What do you mean?"

Olivia sighed, "Your nightmares and flashbacks are normal, honey. In a way, they're helping you to heal because they're proof that you're finally dealing with everything rather than pushing it away and pretending it never happened. You're letting me help you work through them and you always keep going. That's what makes you strong. You keep going on and enjoying life." She pulled Alex closer and kissed her lightly. The love she had for the woman in her arms was continuing to grow with each passing day, and she knew that it was only going to get better as time went on.

Alex could feel her pillow getting soaked with her tears, but she no longer cared about being modest. She wrapped her arms around Olivia and pulled her as close as possible. "What did I do to deserve you?"

Olivia smiled happily. "I ask myself that same question everyday…what I did to deserve someone as amazingly wonderful as you." She leaned over and kissed her. "I love you so much, and I don't care how many times I've already said it tonight. I want to scream it from the mountaintops. I love you."

Alex laughed and returned Olivia's kiss. "I love you, too," she said, then paused for several seconds as she looked deep into Olivia's loving eyes. "Did you mean what you wrote in your letter?"

"Which part?"

"Where you said I was the cure for your misery."

"Absolutely," Olivia told her, smiling warmly as she did so. "You get my sense of humor. You're always there to cheer me up whenever a case starts to really get to me. You forgave me for not coming to you right away when I found out why I was sick. And right now, you're sticking this out with me. You're coming to my chemo treatments as often as you can and you always hold me when I'm puking in the toilet." Olivia forced a small smile through her tears and gently traced Alex's cheekbone with her hand. "You make me smile, and everyday that I spend with you, I'm a little happier. You absolutely are a cure for my misery."

Alex smiled as she tightened her grip on Olivia's waist and kissed her lovingly. "You know what, Liv?"

"What?"

"You're the cure for my misery, too."

"I am?"

She pulled Olivia's head down so it was resting on her chest and began stroking her finger through Olivia's hair. "You bet you are. You were the first person to keep loving me after finding out my secret…okay, technically Jess was, but work with me on this one," she smiled warmly and continued. "You loved me despite what happened to me. You were the first person, and I mean the FIRST person in my entire life to tell me that I was beautiful and actually mean it. You were the first person to ever really love me."

Olivia smiled and nestled her head into Alex's chest. "I think this camping trip was good for all of us. I really see the six of us growing into one incredible family."

"We're pretty dysfunctional, if you think about it…" Alex joked.

"True, but we love and support each other. That's what's really important."

"I never really had a family before," Alex told her. "Well, at least not one where any love was ever shown."

"I never did, either. By the sounds of those letters, it looks like Allen was the only one of us who was given the chance to grow up really knowing what love is supposed to be like."

Alex laughed. "Leave it to the kid with the gay parents to have had the closest thing to a normal upbringing among all of us."

Olivia shrugged and smiled as she and Alex began to fall asleep. "There's no proof that gay couples can't raise good kids. Allen is living proof of that one."

"I know," Alex said, yawning. "I'm really falling asleep here."

"Today was exhausting."

"Writing that letter to Lexy was really hard."

"She would be so proud of you, Alex. So proud."

Alex smiled. "She would have wanted me to be with someone like you."

"Do you think she would have approved?"

"Yeah, I do," Alex answered softly, exhaustion slowly taking over her body. "She was the kind of person who would have approved of pretty much any relationship so long as it wasn't hurting anybody." She smiled and gently squeezed Olivia's hand. "Besides, I know she would have loved you."

Olivia returned Alex's gentle squeeze and pulled her close. "I'm sure I would have loved her, too. Get some rest, honey. I love you."

Alex nestled her head right next to Olivia's and smiled. "I love you, too. Good night."

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"Casey?"

"Yeah?"

"Did this help you at all – this camping trip?"

Casey smiled as she climbed under the sleeping bag and rolled next to Steve. "Yeah, it really did. It felt really good to write that letter and just throw it out over the mountains like that."

Steve smiled and cupped her face lovingly. "I enjoyed writing mine, too. It was hard, but…what a release! Jess really came up with a good idea here."

"Yeah she did."

"There's only one problem."

She furrowed her eyebrows. "What?"

"How much trouble do you think she'll be in once the park rangers find those letters? I mean, all of our names are on them…"

Casey shrugged and smiled. "Two of her best friends are lawyers and one's a cop. I'm sure Alex and I could let her get away with a simple fine or something. Of course, we'd all help pay for it, seeing as how we all littered."

"Of course." He smiled as he kissed her. "I'm so proud of you for today. I love you, Case."

"I love you, too, Steve, and I'm proud of you for your letter, too."

"We really work well together, huh?"

"You bet we do," she said, smiling happily.

"Good. I'm glad you feel that way."

"Yeah?"

He wrapped his arms around her and smiled widely. "Oh, yeah."

"So you're glad you married me…even with all this baggage?"

"There's nobody else in this entire world that could make me even half as happy as you make me," he told her. "Every morning that I wake up and see you sleeping next to me…" he smiled and allowed her to rest her head against his. "Everything is perfect."

"God I love you," she told him. "You're an incredible man, Stephen Novak. Don't you dare change a thing."

He smiled and closed his eyes as he watched her do the same. "Same to you, Case. I know it's been a really rough year, but you were strong, and you got through it. Don't you dare go changing anything, either. You're perfect just the way you are."

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"This is starting to get really old really quickly," Olivia said two days after returning from the camping trip. She was lying in the hospital bed, once again staring at the needle in her arm. She hated that needle more than anything because she knew how sick she was going to be at the end of the day. "Tonight is going to be hard."

"But we'll get through it," Alex assured her softly. "I'll hold you and tell you how much I love you and I'll pull your hair out of your face and do anything else I can to help. We'll get through it, Liv. Together, we'll get through it."

Olivia sighed sadly and looked away. "But you shouldn't have to deal with all of this!" As soon as the words came out of her mouth, she froze. Alex had said those exact words not so long ago. Had she noticed? One slight glance in Alex's direction gave Olivia her answer. She smiled in embarrassment and shook her head. "I probably just sounded so stupid –"

"Not at all," Alex said gently. She smiled and gave Olivia's free hand a gentle squeeze. "It's not easy to ask for help. Believe me, I know. I never asked for your help during the trial or my nightmare or anything. You just always seemed to know exactly when I needed you. Now I'm going to do the same for you. I love you, Olivia, and I promise I'm not going anywhere."

Olivia felt the tears pouring down her cheeks and tried to look away, afraid to show Alex how terrified she really was. She swallowed and managed a small smile when she felt Alex squeeze her hand again. The fear she was hiding was becoming too much. She remembered all the times Alex had been terrified to let something out, and how she had always encouraged her to just get through it, because she loved her. Now Alex was here, encouraging her to work through her fears and trust that she was loved. She took a deep breath and looked down at the needle in her arm. "I don't think I can do this alone," she whispered so quietly she wasn't sure she'd even said the words aloud.

"Oh, Liv," Alex said softly. She felt her heart breaking as Olivia spoke those words. She slowly climbed into the bed and wrapped her arms gently around Olivia. "You will never, ever be alone. I love you so much. I'm right here, baby. I'm right here."

"I love you, too," Olivia said, feeling a little better now that she was wrapped up in Alex's arms. "I guess a part of me is still terrified that you'll leave once I lose my hair or my breasts or both…" she admitted, surprised – yet slightly relieved – that she was able to do so.

Alex smiled lovingly and combed her fingers through Olivia's hair. She was glad to see Olivia opening up to her like this. It was painful to see her hurting this much, but at the same time, it proved that Olivia loved and trusted her. Plus, it was a hell of a lot healthier sharing her fears than keeping them bottled up inside. "I felt the same way, Liv," she said softly after several moments passed. "I was sure that once you found out what I looked like – and the reasons for the scars, you'd leave. When you stayed, I convinced myself that you'd leave after I had one too many nightmares or flashbacks. When you still stayed, I convinced myself that you'd leave once you found out what I did with that kid back in seventh grade. When you _still_ stayed, I finally began to believe that you really, truly loved me, and you weren't going to leave."

"You bet I love you, and there's nothing in this world that could ever get me to leave you."

"I know," Alex said happily. "Now it's my turn to convince you of the same thing. I love you, Olivia. I really, really love you, and I promise I will never, ever leave you."

Olivia ran her hand along Alex's cheek and smiled. "I love you, too. Thank you."

"Don' thank me. Just let me be her with you. Keep fighting, Liv. You're strong. You can beat this."

"As long as you're her with me, I may keep believing that."

"Good, because I don't plan on going anywhere."

"Good."

Alex held Olivia's hand, gently tracing the knuckles with her thumb. Several minutes passed before she spoke again. She wanted to give Olivia some time to absorb everything she had told her. "Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"I think you should think about maybe taking some time off."

"What?"

Alex tried not to go into attack mode. "Cragen already said it was okay, remember?" she asked, seeing the anger and frustration in Olivia's eyes. "You need to get enough rest and everything. You'll be able to focus more on you if you don't have all those cases to worry about."

Olivia shook her head in protest and waved her hand in Alex's face. "No. the doctors told me that I have to keep living my life and not just sit around all day. They said I have to go out and do things."

"Then we'll go to the park and to the beach and to see a show and stuff," Alex argued back. "We'll do fun things, Liv. We'll do things that won't have you coming home completely stressed and worn out." She sighed and bit her lower lip. "I want you to go out and just have fun. The more fun you're having, the happier you are. The doctors said that the happier you are, the better your chances."

"You're serious, aren't you?"

Alex ignored the tears that were pouring down her cheeks and nodded. "Yeah, I'm serious."

It was then that Olivia looked into Alex's eye and noticed how much fear was actually hiding inside her. Alex was trying to convince her to do anything and everything possible to better her odds. She took a deep breath and nodded slowly. "Okay."

"Really?"

"I've never seen Niagara Falls. Maybe now that I actually have a decent excuse to miss work, I should head up there and see what's so amazing about them."

"Then we should go up there together," Alex said as she fought the tears of relief that threatened to fall.

"Alex?"

"Yeah, Liv?"

Olivia forced a small smile and squeezed Alex's hand. "Thanks for being here."

Alex leaned her head down and kissed Olivia lightly before lying down next to her and wrapping her arms around her tightly. "You're more than welcome, baby. I love you."

"I love you, too."

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"I made an appointment for next week," Jess said as she started slicing the cucumbers for the salad. "It's at ten – thirty on Wednesday morning."

Allen furrowed his eyebrows in confusion and looked up from his sautéing vegetables. "Appointment?" he asked. "For what?"

She felt her jaw nearly drop to the floor as he asked the question. _Are you always this dense, you moron?_ She raised her eyebrows and pointed towards her stomach. "Um, hello…your wife over here is nearly two months pregnant and has yet to see a doctor!"

"Oh shit," he said, the realization finally hitting him.

"Yeah, shit."

"God, Jess, I didn't forget. I swear I was –"

She laughed and shook her head as she returned to slicing the cucumber. "Not entirely your fault," she told him. "It's not like we were talking babies just now. The doctor's appointment could have been for anything."

He smiled eagerly as he walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. "I guess maybe we should start thinking about getting out of this apartment and into a regular house. What do you think?"

She turned around and smiled up at him. "I think that's a great idea. I want one with a nice, big yard. It has to be far away from the street, though. And I don't want a lot of neighbors around. I want to be able to send this little girl out to play and not have to worry about someone snatching her."

Allen cupped her face and brought his down to kiss her. "I think I remember Olivia mentioning one of her neighbors was considering moving closer to the city. If I'm remembering correctly, and I may not be, the house is three bedrooms and on…um, I think three or four acres."

"We wouldn't have to go far to look for a babysitter."

"We could let this little guy roam free in the yard."

"Guy?"

"You said girl. I figured it was only fair to give the little guy a fighting chance."

"You want a boy?"

"I want a baby. I don't care what it is. What do you want?"

"I don't know. Either one would be fine."

He kissed her again and looked lovingly into her eyes. "Are you as excited as I am about this?"

She hugged him tight and smiled. "I am," she said hesitantly. "I'm scared as hell, but I'm excited, too. I feel like I want to run down the street and tell everybody I meet."

He laughed and shook his head. "That's normal. First time moms are supposed to be scared and excited at the same time. Alex and Olivia are leaving for Niagara Falls on Friday. Maybe we should have them and Casey and Steve over on Thursday for dinner. We could make it a celebratory dinner and tell them all then."

"That sounds like a great idea."

He kissed her lightly and returned to the stove, hoping to keep his vegetables from burning. He flipped several of them over, smiling to himself as he heard Jess slicing the cucumber again. "For the record though," he said, keeping his eyes on the stove. "I'm not at all scared about how you're going to do. You're going to be the best mom in the world."


	20. A Game of Charades

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

Also, I promise a little more content in this chapter. I apologize for the lack of it in the last one. I've been busy as hell with the move and trying to get this computer hooked up to the Internet and classes and such. Forgive me? Pretty please? I'll bake you cookies! I'll add beaucoup amounts of content to as many future chapters as possible!

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As soon as Casey, Steve, Alex, and Olivia arrived, Jess ushered them towards the table and poured each of them a glass of wine. Although she was surprised that nobody noticed – or if they did, they didn't ask – that she didn't pour a glass for herself, she didn't say anything. She had invited everyone over for dinner under the pretense that there would be alcohol and games afterwards. Although she hadn't mentioned a thing about even wanting a baby to anyone, she was sure that someone would at least inquire as to the reasoning behind the evening's activities. Sure it was fun to get together for dinner, drinks, and games, but this wasn't something anyone had planned. It had sort of happened all of a sudden, and Jess was sure someone would be suspicious.

When everyone finished eating dinner – eggplant parmesan and a huge cesar salad – they sat down in the living room for a game of couples charades. Everyone laughed as Allen brought out the drinks: beer for him and Steve, wine coolers for Alex, Olivia, and Casey, and a bottle of water for Jess. Though Jess received a few questioning glances, nobody said anything.

"Well this just has orgy written all over it," Steve joked as he opened his beer and took a sip. He laughed when Casey slapped his chest. "Well it does. Pillows all over the place, alcohol everywhere, people getting up and acting out different things." He took another sip and nodded. "Yep. Definitely an orgy – like atmosphere going on right now."

"Steve?" Casey said sternly.

"Yeah?"

"Draw a card and start acting."

He rolled his eyes playfully and picked up a card from the pile. As soon as he saw what was written on it, he frowned. "Are we allowed to at least say one or two words?"

"Nope," Alex told him. "It's charades, Steve. Acting only."

He looked apologetically at Casey. "Good luck," he mouthed as he walked over to the center of the room and thought for a minute. He held up two fingers to indicate that it was two words. When he was sure everyone was on the same page, he put his fingers together to tell them that it was a name. Glad that everyone was still with him, he took a deep breath and tried to think of what to do next.

First, he drew a podium in the air and pretended to talk over it. He made several large gestures as if speaking to a large audience. Then he made hand signals indicating money, war, signing documents, and shaking hands.

"Teacher!"

"War hero!"

"Preacher!"

"Public speaker!"

Everyone was yelling their guesses, yet nobody was even close to the name he had written on his card. He took a deep breath and shook his hands to tell everyone to forget everything he'd just done. He shook his head and sighed; unable to believe he was about to do this. He put his hands on his chest first. Then he shook his head adamantly. He made an O with his thumb and first finger, then stuck the first finger of his other hand through that hole. Then he pretended to carry books or folders with him while twirling long hair around his finger.

"Bill Clinton!" Jess screamed after several moments of watching him twirl his nonexistent locks.

Steve nodded and breathed a sigh of relief as he sat back down. "Leave it to me to get the sexual one after making the orgy comment," he said as Jess drew a card and stood up. "It'll be just my luck if she gets something easy like telescope."

Jess walked to the middle of the room and turned over the card. As she looked at the other side, her eyes went wide and her jaw dropped. She looked up at him and shook her head. "How the hell did you know?"

Steve looked up, surprised. "What? Is that what you got?"

"Yeah."

"Holy shit."

"That was so not fair and I am totally picking another card!" She laughed as she picked up another card from the pile. After looking at it for a minute, she nodded and sat down in the middle of the room, setting the card beside her. She held up two fingers to indicate that it was two words. Then she drew a box and pretended to pull a card from it and plug it in. ignoring the obvious TV, radio, and computer guesses, she continued. She pretended to pick something up off the floor and stick it into the front of the "box." Then she opened her fist, hoping to convey to everyone that it lit up.

After watching Jess do this several times, Casey squealed excitedly. "Lite Brite! Holy shit I haven't seen one of those things in years!"

"Very nice," Jess said, standing up and sitting back down next to Allen. "I haven't seen one in years either. They were fun. I never really made any designs with them though. I just followed all the patterns until I ruined the paper so much that I had no clue which colors to use."

"Yeah, I wasn't that creative with mine, either," Casey said as she stood to take her turn. She drew the card and walked to the center of the room. "Bring it on, charades card," she joked as she flipped it over.

The evening wore on, with everyone having a good time. As each person took their turns, they became more and more comfortable making complete fools out of themselves in order for their partner to guess what was on their card. Nearly two hours had passed before everyone began to grow tired of the game. Steve was about to pack it up when Jess stopped him.

"I want to do one more," she begged.

Everyone groaned and rolled their eyes. "Jess, it's nearly eleven. Alex and I are leaving at eight tomorrow morning. We need our sleep!"

"Liv, I just want to do one more, then I promise I'll let you two lovebirds get some sleep."

"Fine. _One_ more, that's it."

"I promise." She smiled, winked at Allen, and drew a card. She walked excitedly to the middle of the room, looked at the card, and set it down on the coffee table. She was planning on using this as a way to tell everyone she was pregnant, but she didn't want to give it up right away. She started out mimicking changing a diaper. When everyone finally understood what she was doing, she put the "baby" in a "stroller" and began pushing it around the room. Once everyone got that part, she mimicked bottle, rattle, and pacifier. Finally, she stood up straighter and smiled. She pointed to herself, then brought her hands down to her stomach and rounded them. Everyone understood pregnancy, but nobody got that she was talking about herself. She tried several more times before throwing her head back in frustration. She pointed at Allen, then herself, then repeated the pregnancy motion. The entire time she was doing this, she couldn't keep the huge smile off her face, and she hoped that it helped convey what she was trying to say.

"Oh, my God," Alex said softly, putting her hands over her mouth. "Oh my God." She looked around and noticed everyone's confused stares. She smiled as she looked at Jess, growing even more excited when Jess nodded. As she looked back at everyone, she realized she was still the only one (except Allen) who understood what was happening.

"Glad to see someone understands my acting," Jess joked.

"What? What am I missing?" Casey asked. "We already guessed baby, infant, bottle, rattle, marriage, wedding, pregnancy –" her jaw dropped as she finally understood. "Holy shit you're pregnant."

Jess smiled eagerly. "Yep."

Alex screamed and ran over to Jess, throwing her arms around her and nearly taking her to the ground. "Our baby's having a baby!" She pulled out of the hug and smiled warmly. "Are you excited?"

"Extremely."

"Just promise me something."

"What?"

"No great-aunt Alex jokes."

Jess laughed and nodded. "You'll just be Aunt Alex. The only time great will come out of this kid's mouth will be when referencing how wonderful and amazing, you are. Sound fair?"

"Good enough for me." She smiled as she met Jess' eyes. "Do you know what you're having yet?"

Jess shook her head. "No. I have an appointment on Wednesday to get everything checked out. I'm still not sure if I want to know or not though. It might be nice to let it be a surprise."

"Well either way, this is very exciting."

Olivia stood up and hugged Jess next. "You _will_ let Alex and I babysit, right?"

"Of course," Jess answered, hugging Olivia back. "Allen and I were actually going to talk to you and Alex about that neighbor of yours who was thinking about selling his house."

"You want to move?"

Jess smiled. "We want a house. Your area's a nice one, we'd be close to you…it's a win – win situation. Is he still thinking about selling it?"

"As far as I know."

"Awesome." She smiled and looked over at Steve and Casey, who were still sitting on the couch, unsure of how to react. She grinned and raised her eyes expectantly. "And you'd better believe I'll be asking the two of you to babysit, too. This kid is going to have so many aunts and uncles she's not going to know what to do with herself."

Casey's eyes widened. "Aunts? Me?"

"Of course you. And Uncle Steve, too…if that's okay," Jess added.

Steve and Casey exchanged glances, then stood up and hugged Jess. "Of course it's okay," Steve told her. "Congratulations."

"You do realize we'll be throwing you a humungous baby shower, right?" Alex asked slyly."

Jess rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Just don't get me anything too outrageous. I really hate –"

"Overpriced items," everyone answered in unison.

"We know," Alex added. She hugged Jess once again and smiled. "Congrats sweetie. You're going to make one hell of a good mother."

After everyone finished congratulating Jess and Allen, they decided it was time to clean up and head home. Alex and Olivia were exhausted and had an early morning, so they were ready to go to bed. Steve and Casey wanted to hurry up and leave so Jess and Allen could continue their celebration in private.

"Thanks for coming everyone. It was a nice evening," Allen said as they all headed out the door. "Liv and Alex, I hope you two have an amazing weekend at Niagara Falls."

"Yes, and please, please, please come back with lots and lots of pictures," Jess added excitedly.

"We will," Alex assured her. "Good night."

"'Night."

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"So, my appointment's on Wednesday," Jess said as she and Allen climbed into bed that night. "I was just wondering if you wanted to know if we're going to have a boy or a girl, or if you think we should wait and let it be a surprise."

Allen thought for a minute as he traced his thumb along her cheek. He smiled as he kissed her lightly. "It doesn't matter to me. I think it would be fun to let it be a surprise, but if we know ahead of time, we can set up a nursery and everything. Plus, if I know our friends as well as I think I know them, they're going to throw one hell of a baby shower. It'd be easier if they knew what colors to buy and stuff."

Jess nodded and sighed happily. "I was thinking the same thing. Besides, it'll give us a lot more time to really focus on names. We'll have a lot less to choose from if we know what sex it'll be."

"It's settled then? We'll find out the sex?"

"Yeah. We'll find out on Wednesday."

"I can't wait."

"Neither can I. I can only remember being this excited once before."

"When was that?"

She smiled and pulled him close. "When I was walking down the aisle."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her head against his. "I feel the same way."

"I love you, Allen."

"I love you, too, sweetie. Good night."

"Good night."

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"Aunt Casey is starting to sound really good to me," Casey said when she and Steve got home that night. "Jess wants the baby to call me Aunt Casey."

"Are you okay with that?"

She smiled and nodded. "Better than okay. Are you okay with Uncle Steve?"

"Absolutely."

"You do realize that kid's going to have one hell of a loving family, right?"

"He'll be lucky."

She raised her eyebrows and grinned. "Him?"

Steve shrugged. "I'm surrounded by women everywhere. I've got you, Jess, Alex, and Olivia. Allen's the only other guy I really hang out with. I can hope for a little more testosterone, right?"

"Yeah well, there's also the entire squad to think about. I know Jess isn't really that close to all of them, but you'd better believe that any one of them would take a bullet for this baby. There's a lot of testosterone running around that precinct, believe me."

"So you want it to be a girl?"

She shrugged. "I want it to be healthy and happy."

"Me, too."

She leaned her head against his and sighed. "Maybe we should try for a baby soon. I've always kind of wanted kids."

"Yeah?"

"Do you think I'd make a good mom?"

"I think you'd make an incredible mom."

She smiled. "I think you'd make an incredible dad."

He wrapped his arms around her and rolled on top of her. "Should we try right now?"

She smiled and rolled her eyes flirtatiously, wrapping her arms around him. "I suppose we could to that."

He leaned in and kissed her. "Good."

"Good."

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"So Jess is going to be a mom," Alex said, pulling the blanket over her and Olivia as she laid down and rolled onto her side. "This is so exciting!"

"I know. Kid's going to be gorgeous, too. Look at Jess and Allen."

"Good genes," Alex agreed. "Tall, skinny, blonde…yep, lucky kid."

Olivia smiled and brushed a few hairs out of Alex's face. "I was thinking about something…actually I've been thinking about it for a while. I kind of pushed it away when I got sick though."

"What?"

"I, um…well obviously we'd do it after I get better, but I was thinking that maybe we could have a baby. As much as being a mother scares me because of what my mother did to me, it's also kind of been something I've always wanted to do."

"You want kids?" Alex asked. This was the first time Olivia had said, "After I get better," rather than "If I get better." It both relieved and scared her at the same time.

Olivia nodded. "For a long time I was absolutely terrified of the idea – wouldn't even let myself think about it. I was so sure I'd pass on bad blood or turn into my mother or something. In the last few years though, it's really started to be something I want to do."

Alex furrowed her eyebrows. "You want to have a baby?"

Olivia bit her lower lip nervously and looked down to her hands, which were gently holding Alex's. "Well, I'm kind of on the older side. Plus, if I lose my breasts…I was thinking, only if you wanted to and felt comfortable of course…"

As soon as the words came out of Olivia's mouth, Alex pulled her hands from her grasp and turned over so her back was facing Olivia. Tears poured down her cheeks as she tried to muffle her cries. "I, um, I can't."

"Honey, what's wrong?" Olivia asked, her voice full of concern. _Why did you just pull away from me like that_? She gently wrapped her arm around Alex and felt around until she found her hand, giving it a firm squeeze. "Turn back around, baby, talk to me. What's wrong?"

Alex swallowed hard, took a deep breath, and rolled back over. "I, um…Katie – that's what I named my baby – she, um, it was a really tough pregnancy. She was born nearly three months early and she was almost half way out when she got stuck. They had to do a C-section and it…well it was really bad and…" she held her breath for several seconds and looked down towards her feet. "They couldn't stop the bleeding in my uterus. They already knew she was dead before they pulled her out, so they were focusing on me, but it was still really bad. They um…I uh, I can't have kids."

"You had a hysterectomy," Olivia said softly.

Alex nodded weakly as the tears fell from her eyes. "They couldn't stop the bleeding," she said again. "I didn't want to do it, but I had to. They couldn't stop the bleeding. I wanted to have more kids later, I swear I did."

"Oh, honey," Olivia said softly, wrapping her arms around Alex and pulling her close. "I didn't know. I'm so sorry. I never would have asked this if I had known. I'm so sorry, Alex."

"If you want kids, you can find someone who can give them to you."

Olivia felt like her heart was breaking as Alex spoke. She squeezed her gently and kissed the top of her head. "Never in a million years would I ever leave you just so someone can have kids for me." She smiled and tilted Alex's head up so their eyes met. "How do you feel about adoption?"

"You'd be okay with that? Are you sure you'd be okay with me not being able to give you kids?"

"Honey, even if you could have kids, I'd have to adopt them anyway to make them mine. The legal system sucks that way. How would you feel about adopting?"

"I, um, I think I'd like it."

"Yeah?"

She nodded weakly, though she didn't trust herself enough to say anything.

"I love you, Alex. This doesn't change anything," Olivia told her, now understanding why Alex was so willing to accept her even with the possibility that she would lose her breasts. It was making more sense now. "We can look into adoption once this damn breast cancer isn't a factor anymore."

Alex wrapped her arms around Olivia's waist and wished she could stay in that position forever. "I love you, too, Liv. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I know I probably should have."

"Don't worry about it. What's done is done. We have our entire future to think about. Most importantly, our trip tomorrow." She looked at the clock on her nightstand and frowned. "You still want to leave at eight?"

"Yeah, why?"

"It's nearly two now."

"Shit," Alex mumbled as she went to sit up and move so she was no longer lying on Olivia, but stopped when she felt Olivia wrap her arms around her and hold her tight.

"Stay there," Olivia said softly. "You've been holding me every night for weeks. Let me hold you tonight."

Alex relaxed and put her head back on Olivia's chest. As she wrapped her arms around Olivia's waist, she smiled gratefully. "I think I'd like that."

"Good." Olivia smiled and combed her fingers through Alex's hair. "Good night, honey. I love you."

"'Night, Liv. I love you, too."

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Completely random question, but does anybody have any idea when (or if) seasons 3 and 4 are going to be released onto DVD? It seems kind of odd that they have 1, 2, and 5.


	21. Baby Names

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

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"We really had to leave at eight, didn't we?" Alex moaned as she rolled out of bed, slapping her alarm as she did so. "Tell me again why we're leaving this early."

Olivia crawled out of bed and followed Alex into the bathroom. "Because we want to get there as early as possible so we can see as much as we can possibly see." She slipped out of her nightgown and joined Alex in the shower. "There's a lot to do up there and I want to do it all."

Alex smiled at Olivia's enthusiasm and turned around to kiss her. "Then that's what we'll do." She smiled as she pulled out of the kiss, feeling the water running down her back. She brushed the hair out of Olivia's face and swallowed, trying to fight the tears. "Thanks for holding me last night."

"You never have to thank me for holding you," Olivia told her softly. She reached around Alex and turned off the water. "I enjoy holding you. I love it when you're wrapped snuggly in my arms."

"You do?"

"You bet I do."

"Thank you," Alex said softly as they returned to the bedroom to get dressed. She opened the top drawer of the dresser and pulled out a pair of underwear and a bra. She could feel Olivia staring at her as she did this, and she smiled self – consciously. "What?"

Olivia smiled and shook her head. "Nothing. I was just admiring your beauty."

"My beauty, huh?"

"Oh yea," Olivia answered flirtatiously as she walked over and wrapped her arms around Alex. She smiled proudly as she met Alex's eyes. "You know, it wasn't even a year ago that you were absolutely terrified of changing in this room…you always had to do it in the bathroom, with the door locked. You were afraid I'd see you." She smiled warmly and stroked Alex's face. "I'm so proud of you, baby. I'm so proud of how far you've come, and I love you so much."

"I love you, too," Alex said happily. "You gave me the strength to get through everything. You're the reason I'm comfortable changing in front of you. You're the reason I'm not scared anymore."

"You're a beautiful woman, Alex."

"So are you, Liv. So are you."

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"This is a cute hotel," Alex said as she pulled the car into the parking lot of the Holiday Inn. "Good choice."

"Well I'm just glad to be here. I want to get out and stretch my legs."

Alex laughed and shook her head. "You'll have plenty of time to do that this weekend. According to you, we're going to do and see everything we possibly can. This place is gorgeous and it's going to be an amazing weekend."

Olivia smiled, but looked away and out the window. She bit her lower lip nervously as she looked down to the brochure in her lap. There was so much that she wanted to do, but she didn't know how possible it would be.

"Honey, what's wrong?" Alex asked, concerned, as she gently squeezed Olivia's hand.

She sighed and shook her head. "It's not important. Come on. Let's go get checked in so we can see the falls. That's the first thing I want to do here. Screw all the boat tours and everything else. I want to see the falls."

Alex, though concerned, said nothing. She simply nodded and got out of the car. She decided it would probably be best to talk once they got into their hotel room. It would offer more privacy. For now, she just pulled her bags out of the trunk and followed Olivia into the lobby.

"I'm Olivia Benson," she told the woman at the counter. "I made a reservation. I know you said check – in wasn't until two, but I was wondering if you could let us squeeze in an hour early."

The woman looked up and, seeing Alex standing behind Olivia, frowned. "You two are together? You didn't ask for a double. I booked you a single room."

Olivia swallowed angrily in an attempt to keep herself from yelling. She looked at the woman's nametag. _Patricia._ "That's fine, Patricia. I didn't want a double."

The woman smiled curtly and shook her head. "I'm afraid you'll have to wait until two. If you want to check in now, you can always try a different hotel."

Before Olivia could respond, Alex decided to intervene. "We'll wait," she said angrily before practically dragging Olivia out of the lobby and back to the car.

"Why did you tell her we'd wait?"

"Because you've already paid for the room. It would probably be impossible to get any kind of refund this late."

"So you're just going to let her treat us like this and act like nothing happened?"

Alex smiled slyly. "Of course not. I intend on making that room as dirty as possible for the cleaning service. I plan to leave incredibly nasty comment cards when we leave. And I plan on contacting her supervisor once we get home." She laughed slightly and gave Olivia's arm a gentle rub. "I want this weekend to be fun and as stress – free as possible. Trying to get a refund and book another room in another hotel would have more than likely taken most of the day. I didn't want to do that to you."

"Maybe we can leave dirty underwear here, too…right before we check out."

"Atta girl," Alex said. "I knew you had a nasty streak to you."

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"What kind of names do you like for a boy?" Allen asked. He set two plates on the table and walked back to the kitchen to bring out the chicken soup, salad, and water.

"I really like Ethan, though I'm also kind of fond of Jacob. What about you?"

He smiled and dished out the soup. "Christopher."

She raised her eyebrows and smiled. "I like that one. Chris for short?"

"Yeah. That sounds nice. Little Christopher."

"Good name, Allen. Christopher is a good one."

"Can I ask you kind of a big favor?"

"Um, okay," she said nervously, slightly confused as to where this question had come from. "What do you need?"

"If it's a boy, can we name it Christopher?"

She looked into his eyes and could have sworn he was begging her to do this. She reached across the table and grabbed both of his hands, giving them a gentle squeeze. "I like Christopher. We can do that." She smiled warmly and furrowed her eyebrows. "Any reason you want Christopher?"

He nodded slowly. "I lived in a foster home for about eight months before I was adopted. I was lucky enough to have been placed in that one, because they took really good care of me." He smiled, remembering those he had met in the home. "There was an older boy there. He was sixteen, and I adored him. His name was Christopher Michael. His parents had abused him in ways far beyond comprehension, and for far longer than mine did me. He'd only been pulled out of the home two years earlier. He was in therapy and doing really, really well. He talked to me a lot…told me I was a good kid and everything. He made me feel really good about myself. We lost touch over the years, but…" his voice drifted off.

"Allen?"

"Yeah?"

"I think Christopher Michael Handley sounds like a wonderful name."

"Thanks, Jess."

She smiled and nodded understandingly. "I would have objected if his name had been something like Dweezil or Pilot Inspektor or some other ridiculous name these celebrities are giving their kids nowadays, but I like Christopher Michael."

"Dweezil?"

"Frank Zappa's kid. Guy's an ass for naming his kid that."

He laughed and nodded. "That's for sure. So, any ideas for a girl's name?"

She nodded slowly. "I actually had an idea I thought I'd run past you. I've been thinking about this ever since I found out I was pregnant. I'd have to check first, but I'm sure it wouldn't be a problem."

He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "What's the name?"

"Alexa."

"Ah," he said, understanding her hesitation. He thought for a second, then smiled. "I think that would really mean a lot to her if you named our little girl after her."

"I've always liked that name, but I never really thought that much about it. Once I met Alex and really got to know her though…I don't know, it just seems right. I want my little girl to have a strong name – to be named after someone strong."

"Alexa sounds wonderful."

"Rose."

"What?"

"Alexa Rose."

He smiled as a tear slowly slid down his cheek. "Christopher Michael and Alexa Rose. They both sound so wonderful."

She placed her hand over her stomach and smiled. "They sound perfect."

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Once they were checked into the hotel and put their bags in the room, Alex decided to confront Olivia about the conversation they'd had earlier in the parking lot, before either of them had gotten out of the car. "Honey," she said, sitting down next to Olivia on the bed. "What's wrong? This weekend should be fun."

"I'm scared."

"What?" Alex asked, her voice full of concern. "Why? What's wrong?"

Olivia sighed and pulled up her shirt a little, revealing the small attachment to her waist. The doctors had decided that, for the sake of convenience, that it would be easier if she had a small tube inserted into her abdomen and had the chemo automatically pumped into her. It would save a lot of time and stress trying to keep doctors' appointments. "What if I get sick and can't do anything while we're here?"

Alex smiled and wrapped her arm around her. "Then we'll order lots of room service and movies. We'll lie in bed, I'll hold you, and everything will be okay."

Olivia pulled away from Alex's grasp and walked over to the window. "I'll ruin the weekend if I get sick. It's almost not even worth it to do this stupid chemo right now."

"Don't you dare think that way," Alex said sternly, standing up and walking over to her. She placed a gentle hand on Olivia's back and turned her around so their eyes met. "You wouldn't ruin the weekend. Coming out here, spending an entire weekend with you – just the two of us together, that's all I want."

"But we're at Niagara Falls, Alex! I don't want to hold you back from seeing everything."

"I don't want to see anything if you're not right there next to me." She wrapped her arms tightly around Olivia and kissed her head lightly. "There's no way I could possibly enjoy anything if you were sick in bed and alone. This weekend is special because it's just the two of us. It doesn't matter what we do, as long as we do it together."

Olivia wiped away a few tears and swallowed. "Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

"We should head out to the falls. I'm feeling really good right now and I don't want to wait until it's too late to see them. The chemo's supposed to start pumping in pretty soon, which means by tonight I might not be feeling so hot."

Alex wrapped her arm around Olivia's waist and led her towards the door. "Then let's go. On our way out, I think we should stop and make out in the lobby, just to annoy little-miss-what's-her-name."

"Patricia."

"Yeah, whatever. You up for pissing her off?"

Olivia smiled happily, glad that Alex had – once again – been able to pull her out of her depression and into a much better mood. "I'm game."

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"Steve?"

"Yeah, Case?"

She looked up from her computer and smiled. "Is it wrong that I'm paranoid because we haven't gotten any new cases in more than a week? I mean, we haven't gotten _anything_."

He laughed. "I don't think it's wrong at all."

"I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm really glad we haven't. It's always hard to read and hear everything some people go through, but at the same time, no new cases means more people are safe." She sighed and shook her head. "I mean, I know that a lot of people don't report it and stuff, but still…"

"I understand what you're saying," he told her.

"Good, because I'm not even sure if I understand what I'm saying."

"You make more sense than you think, Case, trust me."

"Yeah well, I hope I didn't just jinx myself by saying all of this. Knowing my luck I'll get a call sometime soon and have to deal with some huge, horrible case that's going to be incredibly time – consuming."

"Case, I'm sure you didn't just jinx yourself."

"See, you just double jinxed me! Now I'm screwed."

He walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her chest. "Honey, relax. Enjoy this time that you have where you don't have to worry about cases. Take it as a gift. Don't worry about the future."

She tilted her head up and kissed him. "You always know exactly how to make me feel better, do you know that?"

He smiled as he kissed her back. "I'm your husband. It's my job."

"Yeah, well, don't ever stop being you."

He traced her cheekbone with his thumb and shook his head. "And you'd better never stop being you. I'm going to go make dinner. Care to join me?"

She nodded. "Give me a few minutes. I have to finish some emails and check my voicemail. I'll be there in a few."

"Take your time."

"Hopefully it won't take too much."

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"Wow," Olivia said, staring out at the falls. "Just…wow."

Alex smiled as she wrapped an arm around Olivia's waist and pulled her close. "They're so beautiful." As Olivia turned to face her, she gave her a light kiss on the lips. "I'm so glad you wanted to come out here this weekend." She looked back over at the falls and sighed happily. "I think this is just what we needed."

Olivia nodded in agreement. "I know it's exactly what I needed." She sighed as she watched the water flowing off the edge and pouring into the pool below. "I've been feeling really down lately with all this chemo and everything. I think I needed some time away from the city…get my mind off of things, you know?"

"So you're glad I asked you to take off from work?"

"Yeah," Olivia said quietly. "I know I was angry at first, and I know I got pretty mad with you about it, but now I'm glad you convinced me to do it. Honestly, I don't think I can handle the stress of my job right now. I need to focus on just beating this damn cancer. Then I can focus on my job again."

"Then you just take as much time as you need," Alex told her encouragingly. She was glad to hear Olivia opening up like this, and even more happy to hear that she wanted to focus on getting better. "You've got all the time you could ask for and then some, honey."

"Cragen's probably going to give Elliot a new partner."

Alex nodded. "Yeah, probably, but it'll be a temporary partner."

"He's not going to like it."

"No, he's probably not, but that's okay. Trust me, Liv, he's going to want to have to deal with a temporary partner a lot more than he's going to want you coming in while you're sick." She smiled and brushed away a tear from Olivia's cheek. "He loves you, and he wants you focusing on getting better. If that means he has to have some idiotic rookie partner for a little while, he's going to do it."

Olivia smiled and sighed. "I know. I still hate putting him through that though. He hates newbies."

Alex laughed. "Yeah well, the quicker you get better, the quicker he can get rid of the newbie."

"Yeah," she said happily, returning her gaze to the falls once again. "Alex, I just wanted to say…well, thanks for this weekend. It really means a lot to me that you're willing to put your life on hold for me."

"Liv, I'm not 'putting my life on hold.' I'm here because I want to be. I'm still planning on going to work everyday, but if you're really sick, I know Casey won't have any problem covering for me. You took care of me after I told you about my past and we took my case to trial. Let me take care of you. I want to do this, Liv. I love you."

"I love you, too."

"You'll let me take care of you?"

"Yeah. It's been kind of nice actually…having you hold me at night and doing all the chores and everything. Not that I want you to have to do everything, but I really appreciate it. I really like that you're letting me focus on me."

Alex smiled and hugged her tight as they left the falls and headed back to the car. They were planning on going to an Italian restaurant not too far from the falls, and she was excited. "I will always take care of you, just like you always take care of me." She pulled out of the parking lot and started driving. "Now let's go eat. I want my fettuccini."

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Dinner was ready and the table was set, yet Casey still hadn't joined him in the kitchen. Steve shrugged and started carrying out the food and setting it on the table. Once everything was ready, he went to the bedroom to find her. "Casey, honey, dinner's ready!" he called. When he opened the door, he frowned. She was sitting at her computer, the screen blank, her cell phone next to her on the desk. She didn't turn around or even acknowledge his presence. "Honey, what's wrong?" he asked worriedly as he made his way over to her.

She slowly spun her chair towards him, tears pouring down her face. "I jinxed myself."

"What? What are you talking about? What happened?"

"I just got off the phone with the DA's office," she said, sighing sadly.

"New case?"

She nodded. "Huge, too."

"Want to talk about it?"

"One of my old clients tried to kill herself two days ago…drug overdose. They're saying it's attempted suicide because of her past, but there's also suspicions that she didn't take them on her own."

"Attempted murder?"

"The doctors are looking into it."

"So what's going to happen?"

She shrugged and shook her head. "I don't know. Apparently she won't talk to anyone except me. Doctor said he wants me down there ASAP so I can see if she'll tell us what happened."

"If she took a bunch of pills, why aren't they just assuming attempted suicide?"

"Because there's evidence of recent sexual intercourse."

"And?" he asked. He knew she dealt with sex crimes, but he also knew that unless there were signs of obvious rape, not just intercourse, they didn't usually assume attempted suicide. There had to be something else to this. "Why is evidence of sexual intercourse important?"

Casey looked up for the first time, now with even more tears pouring down her cheeks. "Because she's eleven years old."


	22. Talk About Mission Accomplished

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

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"It's a shame that Patricia was on her lunch break when we left this afternoon," Alex said, pulling into the hotel parking lot and parking the car. "I really wanted to make out in front of her."

Olivia smiled slyly. "Maybe she's back now," she said, getting out of the car and shutting the door. "The elevator always takes forever. We could make out while we're waiting for it."

"Good idea. We have to build up to it though. Let's walk in holding hands." She took Olivia's hand and smiled eagerly. "We'll whisper sweet nothings to each other, then kiss passionately as we wait for the elevator to arrive."

They made their way, hand in hand, to the hotel entrance. They hoped that nobody else was in the lobby. It wasn't that they were scared or embarrassed about making out in front of people. They were actually very comfortable doing so. It was just that they were planning on going so over the top it would have been inappropriate for anyone to do it in front of others. Their goal was to piss off Patricia, not the entire hotel. Walking in and seeing that Patricia was the only one in the lobby, they both smiled.

"I had a really good time at the Falls," Olivia said warmly. "I'm so glad we were both able to take this weekend off and come up here together. It wouldn't have been the same without you."

"Me, too. You looked so beautiful against the backdrop of the Falls. I got so many great pictures of you. Too bad none of them were of you naked, but I can use my imagination."

They arrived at the elevator and both could feel Patricia staring angrily at them. This only added to their desire to annoy her. Alex pushed the up button and smiled eagerly. "You're so beautiful, Olivia. I love you." With that, she set her purse on the floor, wrapped her arms around Olivia, and began one of the most passionate kisses she'd ever had.

Olivia was slightly taken aback by the intensity of the kiss, but she quickly recovered and joined in the passion. She heard the elevator ding and felt Alex begin to slowly pull away, but she stopped. Her. She pulled Alex even closer and continued their kiss.

Her purse was caught in the door. Every time the elevator doors would try to close, they would hit the purse and slide back open. This only added to Patricia's annoyance, and Alex was loving every second of it. Patricia had to cough loudly three times before Alex finally pulled away from Olivia.

"Something you need, Patricia?"

Patricia swallowed and tried to keep her composure. "Your elevator's here," she said curtly. "Also, please try to keep your little displays of affection private. I don't want the guests to be uncomfortable."

They stepped onto the elevator and turned around to face Patricia. Alex held the open door button and faked an apologetic smile. "My apologies. We saw a man and his much younger mistress exchanging a very passionate kiss in here earlier today."

"We just figured you'd give us the same freedom," Olivia added sadly.

Before Patricia could respond, the doors closed and the elevator began moving up to their floor. Both women began laughing hysterically as they entered their hotel room.

"Did you see the look on her face?" Olivia asked excitedly.

"Talk about mission accomplished!"

They made their way onto the balcony and wrapped their arms around each other as they looked out at the setting sun. It was one of the most beautiful views Olivia had ever seen. "Hey, Alex?"

"Yeah, Liv?"

"You, um, you've never really…kissed me like that before. Did you just do it to get back at Patricia for being a heinous bitch?"

Alex sighed. "Initially, I wanted to overdo the kiss to piss her off." She smiled warmly and squeezed Olivia's hand gently. "But as soon as my lips met yours, it was all about you. Patricia didn't matter anymore."

"So it was a real kiss? Real passion?"

"Every second of it."

"Good."

"Was it okay?"

Olivia looked into Alex's beautiful blue eyes and smiled. She brushed the hair out of her face and kissed her, hoping to match the same intense passion they'd shared in the lobby. "How's that for my answer?" Olivia asked after pulling away.

"That was nice," Alex said happily.

"Glad you liked it."

They walked back inside and made their way to the bathroom. "I really had a lot of fun today, Liv." Alex said, taking off her clothes and stepping into the shower.

"So did I. Those falls were beautiful."

"Yeah, but not nearly as beautiful as you."

"Did you just compare me to Niagara Falls?"

"Yep."

"Alex, the falls are one of the most amazing and beautiful places on the planet. You can't compare me to them. There's no comparison!"

"You're right," Alex said, pretending to concede.

"Thank you."

"Comparing them to you _isn't_ fair. Put them up against the New York City skyline or the Grand Canyon and maybe they'll have pretty decent odds, but put them up against you…they don't have a fighting chance."

"Alex, stop –"

"Nope. Don't you dare try to argue with me because you'll lose. I'm a lawyer. I'm trained to win any and all arguments. My mind is made up and there will be absolutely no changing it."

Olivia smiled gratefully and pulled Alex closer. "How do you always manage to make me feel like the most important woman in the world?"

"To me, you_ are_ the most wonderful woman in the world. I just take that feeling and go with it. Besides, I'm only doing what I've learned from you."

"From me?"

"Absolutely. You loved me and you have helped me get through so much. You lifted me up when I was down and you always made me feel important. I'm not doing anything special, Liv. I'm just doing what you taught me."

Olivia could feel the tears falling from her eyes and prayed that the shower provided a good cover. She smiled as she leaned into Alex. "Have I told you yet today just how much I love you?"

"Mmmm, I don't think so."

"Well then, let me tell you." She cupped Alex's face and smiled, enjoying every minute of this moment. "There is more love for you in my heart than there is water in Niagara Falls. There, I get to compare you to the falls, too," she said, a sly smile creeping onto her face. "I love you, Alex, more than anything."

Alex leaned in to meet Olivia's lips. "I love you, too, Liv."

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"I hope they're having a good time up there, Allen," Jess said, slowly climbing into the bathtub and leaning back against him. "And I really hope that the damn side effects from the chemo can hold off at least until they get back. I mean, I hate to think about Olivia being sick at all, but it would be awful if it ended up ruining their weekend."

Allen wrapped his arms around her and squeezed the loofa, allowing the water and lavender bubbles to slowly run down her chest. "Alex would never let that happen," he told her. "Even if Liv ends up getting really sick, you know Alex'll order room service and they'll curl up in bed and watch movies. This weekend was about them spending time together. Niagara Falls was just a perk."

Jess sighed. "I know it was, and I know Alex is going to make sure they have a good weekend. I just hate that the chemo's really been getting to Olivia lately. It's just not fair."

"You're right," he told her softly. "It's not fair, but it is what it is. She's got a hell of a lot of support back here at home. She's not alone in this. Not by a long shot."

Jess nodded understandingly. She silently prayed that Olivia would beat this soon. It was hard to see her so tired and weak all the time now. She could tell it had really started to take its toll on Alex as well; though Alex would never say anything. She sighed. "Hey, Allen?"

"Yeah, hon?"

"How would you feel about maybe cooking a little extra food three or four nights a week?"

He smiled and gently massaged her shoulders. "I think they'd appreciate that."

"And we'll need a lot of chicken noodle soup. Alex told me that when Olivia's sick, that's the only thing she can manage to keep down easily."

"Then we'll always have plenty of it on hand."

"Thanks, Allen."

"I want to help them just as much as you do, baby."

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"I feel like I'm ruining your weekend," Olivia said miserably as she laid in bed. She had woken up twice in the middle of the night, vomiting into the toilet each time. Now she was exhausted and the nausea was overwhelming. There wasn't going to be any sightseeing today.

Alex grabbed the remote from beside the TV and crawled into the bed next to Olivia. She pulled the covers up over them and pulled Olivia close, wrapping both arms around the woman, and lightly kissed the to of her head. "First of all, it's not _my_ weekend. It's _our_ weekend. And you're not ruining it. As long as I'm spending it with you, it's perfect."

"Alex, I –"

"Please, Olivia, don't argue with me about this," she said, almost begging. She tilted Olivia's head up so their eyes met, and then smiled warmly. "I love you, Olivia, and I want you to beat this so we can get on with our lives. I am going to do anything and everything in my power to make sure that you get all the rest that you need so your body will have the strength to beat this. You're going to beat it, Liv. I know you are."

Olivia could feel the tears pouring down her cheeks as she wrapped her arms around Alex's waist. "I don't want to leave you," she sobbed, burying her head in Alex's neck. "I'm so scared I'm going to die and leave you and –"

"Don't talk like that," Alex said sternly, clenching her teeth as she did so. She wouldn't let Olivia say things like this. "We caught this early and we're doing everything the doctors are telling us to do. You're going to beat this, Liv. You're too damn stubborn not to."

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"Dammit, Elliot, I really don't want to do this again," Casey said sadly as she followed Elliot into the hospital room. He had to show his badge at the nurses' station before they were shown to the girl's room. "I don't want to have to do this."

He put his hand on her shoulder and stopped just outside the hospital room. "I know you don't want this, Case, but she's asking for you. She's scared out of her mind and she's refusing to talk to anybody but you."

"Why me? What's so special about me? I made her life a living hell!"

"You earned her trust during that trial."

"She talked to you in that hospital room before she ever talked to me. She trusted you, too. Why me now?"

"I know, and I'm the only guy that she'll let into this room right now. She trusts that I'm safe and that I'm not going to hurt her, but she trusts you enough to get closer than the doorway. She knows you put her last attacker in jail. That's why she trusts you."

Casey sighed and looked at the door. She was dreading opening it and walking inside that hospital room. Yes, she was used to seeing kids like this, but this time it was different. This time it hit a little too close to home. She turned and looked sadly at Elliot. "What do we know so far?"

"Not much," Elliot answered honestly. "She has a black eye and a swollen lip, which indicate a struggle. Her foster father took a pretty good beating, too. She really did a number on him. Pushed him down the stairs, too."

Casey smirked. _Score one for the good guys_. "And the drugs?"

"Foster sister called 911. Said she found her in the bathroom unconscious. There was an empty aspirin bottle next to her."

"What about her social worker…Beth what's her name?"

Elliot hesitated for a moment and sighed. "Beth went home for the night."

"What?"

He nodded. "Nurses are saying she didn't even stay half an hour. She came here when she got the call, made sure Julia was still alive, talked to her for a few minutes, and left angrily. Apparently she was raging because Julia wouldn't tell her anything. She left and said she'd be back when Julia was released, which would probably be in a few days."

"Damn. What the hell is wrong with that woman?"

Elliot sighed and looked Casey in the eyes. "Right now, we can't worry about Beth. I've got people working on it. She's going to be fired. Right now, we need to focus on Julia. Go in there and talk to her. She trusts you." Elliot paused and smiled weakly. "She needs you."

Casey nodded and sighed. She took a few deep breaths, trying to hold back the tears. There would be plenty of time to cry later. Right now, she was needed in that hospital room. She slowly put her hand on the doorknob, and opened the door.

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_Julia Winters. DOB 10/4/1994. Admitted for injuries resulting from sexual assault and drug overdose._

Casey put the file back in the slot at the foot of the bed and frowned at Julia's small frame lying in the bed. She was sleeping, though Casey could tell that it wasn't a very peaceful sleep. Every now and then the girl would toss her bead back and forth and mumble incoherently. She slowly sat down in the chair next to the bed and took Julia's hand in hers.

"Hey, sweetie," she said softly, not wanting to wake the girl. " It's me, Casey Novak. I hear you've been asking for me, so I decided to stop by." She sniffled a few times, and closed her eyes to try to regain her composure. "It's okay now, honey. It's okay. You're safe. I promise, you're safe, and I promise that I'm not going to let anything happen to you." She wiped away a few tears and leaned her head on her arms. She hadn't planned on staying the night, but after listening to Elliot tell her how much Julia trusted her, and now seeing Julia's pummeled face, there was no way she was leaving. She'd told Steve this might happen, and she prayed he understood.

Julia began stirring at the sound of Casey's voice. She slowly rolled her head in the direction and weakly opened her eyes. As soon as she saw Casey sitting there, her eyes opened even wider and she began to cry inconsolably. She frantically reached for Casey and clung desperately to her as Casey slowly stood and climbed into the bed, wrapping her arms around the small girl.

"It's okay now, honey, I promise."

"Y-y-you actually came!" Julia sobbed.

"Of course I came," Casey told her. She pulled Julia closer and gently rubbed her back. "Of course I came." She held Julia as tight as she could without hurting her until she couldn't cry anymore. When she was sure Julia was comfortable enough, she released her from the hug and slowly climbed out of the bed. She kept her grip on Julia's hand and smiled warmly. "Can I get you anything?"

Julia looked away but refused to say anything. There was something that she really wanted, but she didn't want to ask for it. She was afraid of sounding stupid to Casey. The woman knew her from before – knew that she was strong and brave. If she asked for something, she'd come off as weak. She didn't want that to happen.

Casey smiled, sensing Julia's apprehension. She bit her lower lip and waited several seconds before speaking. She wanted to make sure she had the right words to get Julia to open up. "Honey, if there's anything that you need, I'll get it for you. There's nothing wrong with needing something, especially right now." She waited several moments, watching Julia stare blankly out the window, before speaking again. "When we're scared, we often like to pretend like nothing's wrong – like we're not scared." She smiled when Julia slowly turned her head to face her. "I know you're scared, honey, and you have every right to be scared. You've had a rough couple of years, but that's over now, I promise. Now you're safe, and if you need anything to make you feel safer, tell me and I'll get it for you. Just tell me what it is that I can get you."

Julia began crying silently. There were no sobs or shaking of the shoulders. To anybody who wasn't looking closely, it would have been nearly impossible to tell what was happening. She was just allowing a few tears to slowly roll down her cheeks as she held her breath, trying to keep them at bay. She swallowed and nervously bit her lower lip. "Anything?"

"Anything you need, Julia." Casey said warmly as she stroked Julia's hand. "Anything you need, I promise."

"Can I have…can you…can you get me a…a teddy bear?"

"A teddy bear?"

Julia nodded, embarrassed. "I haven't had one since my parents died and they put me in foster care. My foster parents said I was too old to have one. Seven – year – olds are too old for stupid stuffed animals."

"Hey, stuffed animals aren't stupid. I've got a few myself," Casey told her. "They're great to have. I love all of mine very much."

Julia's eyes lit up slightly and she even managed a weak smile. "So…you'll get me a teddy bear?"

"You bet I'll get you a teddy bear." She stood and began to gather her things from beside her bed.

"No, please don't leave me!" Julia suddenly screamed, grabbing Casey's arm desperately. "Please don't leave me here alone! I don't want to be alone!"

Surprised by Julia's sudden outburst, Casey slowly returned to her seat and held Julia's hand tightly. She nodded understandingly and furrowed her eyebrows in concern. "Okay, honey, okay. I'll stay right here, I promise."

"I don't want to be alone in here again."

"It was pretty scary after Beth left, huh?"

Julia nodded and looked away, unable to look Casey in the eyes. She was embarrassed that she'd been so scared just now. She hated that she couldn't just suck it up and deal with everything on her own. It was what she was used to by now.

"I was in the hospital not too long ago. I…uh, I fell and hit my head on the coffee table," she lied, hoping it wasn't too obvious. "My best friend came to visit me because my husband couldn't get there right away." She smiled and laughed when Julia turned back to face her, obviously interested in the story. "I was alone for nearly an hour before she got there, and I was terrified. Hospitals are scary places to begin with, and they're definitely scarier when you're alone."

"You were scared?"

"Really scared," Casey said honestly. "But my friend came and stayed with me until my husband showed up. I was really embarrassed about it, but she told me it was okay to be scared, and she was right."

"I guess you can go," Julia said softly, still trying to be brave. "You can go to get that teddy bear if you want. I can be alone for a little while. It's okay."

"You know what?"

"What?"

"How about I go ask Elliot to buy you that teddy bear? He's waiting just outside. He wants me to talk to him when I'm done in here, but I think I'll stick around for a bit, maybe even spend the night?"

"But won't your husband get mad that you're not spending the night with him?"

"Nah, he'll understand. It'll be okay. Right now, I want to make sure you're okay."

"I'm going to have to tell you what happened, aren't I?"

Casey took a slow, deep breath and nodded. "Yeah, sweetie, I'm gonna have to ask you some pretty hard questions, but they can wait right now. I know you're probably pretty tired and you need to get some rest. I'll ask Elliot to go get you that teddy bear."

"You'll stay till I fall asleep?"

"I'll stay all night."

"Really?"

Casey nodded and stood slowly. "You bet. Now I'm just going to step outside so I can talk to Elliot. As soon as I'm finished, I'll come right back in here."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

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"I, um, I think I'm going to stay with her tonight," Casey told Elliot as she closed the door behind her. "She's really scared and Beth left her…I just don't want her to be alone right now."

Elliot could tell that Casey was upset, and he was worried. "Are you sure you're up for staying with her all night?"

"I need to do it. I promised her."

He nodded. "Okay. She tell you anything yet?"

Casey shook her head sadly and closed her eyes, allowing a single tear to fall. "No. She's still too scared. She, um, she asked if I could get her a teddy bear. I promised I would, but she freaked when I started to leave. I sort of told her that you'd get her one."

Elliot smiled warmly and wrapped his arms around an obviously very upset Casey. "I'll get her one, don't worry about it. I need to know that you're okay to go back in there. If you're not, just tell me and I'll find someone else to watch over her. I don't want you going in there if you're not okay."

Casey sniffled and looked up, her eyes slightly puffy. "I'm fine," she forced out. She managed a weak smile and pulled away from him. "You go get that teddy bear. I'd better get back there. She's really scared."

"I'll come back with the biggest damn bear they have."

"Thanks, Elliot."

"Take care of yourself in there, Case."

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	23. Tell Me You Found Something

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

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Casey woke up as soon as she felt Julia stirring beside her. The girl had woken up screaming twice in the middle of the night and after the second time, Casey had decided to climb into the bed with her and hold her close. She was surprised at how quickly Julia clung to her once she was actually in the bed. Now that Julia was starting to wake up, Casey smiled warmly. "Morning, sweetie," she said softly. "How are you feeling?"

"My head really hurts."

"Yeah, I bet it does. You had a pretty nasty concussion. Would you like me to go get a nurse so she can give you something to ease the pain?"

"No, I'm okay," she answered. When Casey smiled and climbed out of the bed, she brought it up to a sitting position. As soon as she did this, she saw the table on the other side of the room, and her eyes went wide. "Those…are they all for me?"

Casey looked over at the family of teddy bears and smiled. Elliot had really hit the jackpot this time. There were two large ones – one in a business suit and top hat and the other in a dress. Then there were three smaller ones – two in princess dresses and one in a baseball outfit. She turned back to Julia and nodded. "They're all for you, honey."

"Is there a catch?"

"What?"

"Do I have to do something before I can have them?"

It was all Casey could do not to cry as Julia asked that question. No child should ask a question like that. She swallowed and forced a smile. "No, sweetie, you don't have to do anything. Just think of them as an early birthday present."

Julia frowned and looked away, her gaze focusing on the birds flying outside the window. "Mr. Warren always made me take off my clothes before I could open any presents. My birthday's next week. Are you going to make me take off my clothes before I can have them?"

"No, sweetheart," Casey said firmly through clenched teeth, trying her best to keep her tears at bay. "You don't have to do that anymore. You don't ever have to do that again."

"Do you promise?"

"I promise," Casey said and smiled as she looked over at the bears on the table. "Do you want me to bring them over to you?"

Julia nodded eagerly. "Please," she said quietly. She was still feeling pretty weak from the previous day's events. She was surprised that Casey was able to carry all five bears over at once, but was happy once they were all with her. She moved over to one side of the bed and placed all four bears next to each other, making sure that all three "children" were touching both "parents." When she looked up and noticed Casey studying her, she smiled. "Children aren't happy when they can't be with their parents. I know I'll never see mine again, but sometimes I think it'd be nice if I could be adopted. At least that way I'd have parents again."

"I'm sure you'll get some parents soon."

"No I won't. Nobody wants me."

Casey's eyes widened in horror as she looked at Julia. "That's not true. Oh, sweetie, you're wanted. You're very much wanted. Why on earth would think nobody wants you?"

"Because it's true!" she exclaimed, her eyes beginning to water. "My first foster parents got mad whenever I cried about my parents dying. My second foster parents didn't want me. They just wanted the money so they could go on vacations. Then my next foster father raped me and said I was ugly after what Mr. Jennings did to me! Even Beth says nobody's gonna want me because I'm too old and I cry too much and my scars are scary." She was getting closer to crying now, and she looked back out the window. "Nobody wants me, Ms. Novak. That's why I took all those pills. Nobody cares about me."

"I care about you," Casey said softly, brushing the hair out of Julia's face and giving her a comforting smile. "And Elliot cares about you. Remember all the people who helped me arrest Mr. Jennings? They all care about you, too."

"What about Beth? What's going to happen to her?"

Julia needed to change the subject. Casey understood that. But at the same time, Beth Ripling was the last woman she wanted to talk about. She took a deep breath and gritted her teeth, trying to calm her anger. Hearing what that woman had said to Julia had angered her more than anything, and she was going to make sure she was fired. "What do you mean?"

"She knew."

"She knew what?"

"That Mr. Warren was bad. Grace and Abigail told her."

Casey furrowed her eyebrows in confusion and worry. "Honey, who are Grace and Abigail?"

"The other girls who live with Mr. Warren. They're younger than me. Grace is nine and Abigail's seven. They told Beth that Mr. Warren was bad but she didn't do anything."

Casey could feel the bile rising in the back of her throat. She had known the moment she met her after Julia was first attacked that Beth was a bad social worker, but never imagined that she was capable of something like this. Now she wasn't just going to lose her job. Casey was going to make sure she spent some time in jail, too. She looked down and smiled weakly at Julia, trying to ease the young girl's fear. "Are Grace and Abigail his daughters?"

"No. They're foster kids like me. Beth came to visit two weeks after I got there. I told her that everything was okay because at that time it was. Then she went to talk to Grace and Abby. They told her he was still making them take off all their clothes, but she told them to stop lying. She knew he was bad and she left me there anyway!"

Casey climbed back into the bed and wrapped her arms around a now hysterical Julia. Just listening to Julia describe what she had been through was almost too much for her to bear, and Casey wondered how Julia had managed to stay this strong. "It's okay now, Julia. It's okay now," Casey whispered soothingly. "You were so brave yesterday, and I am so proud of you for fighting back. You did such a great job. I am going to make sure that they don't ever hurt anyone again."

"You'll make them go to jail?"

"Yes. I'm going to need you to tell me what happened, but yes, I'll put them in jail."

Julia nodded, "Good. I'll tell you everything that happened. I want them to go to jail so I don't have to be scared of them anymore. I don't like being scared."

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"I'm glad we were at least able to go out to eat for our last night there," Olivia said weakly as she walked into the house and put her bags on the floor. "I hated that you were stuck inside with me all day."

"Olivia, stop apologizing for that," Alex said sternly. "Chemo's hard and you needed your rest. It's okay. I'm glad you allowed yourself to get that rest."

"Really? Even though it meant you were stuck in the hotel room all day?"

Alex as she walked over to Olivia and wrapped her arms around her. "Absolutely. Besides, you're forgetting that I spent the whole day in the hotel room _with you_. It was perfect. Holding you in my arms…it's the greatest feeling in the world."

Olivia looked up and kissed Alex's lips lightly. "Well how about I hold you in my arms tonight? I haven't gotten to do that lately. I miss it." She began walking towards the bedroom, pulling an eager Alex behind her. She had called Jess earlier that morning, while Alex was in the shower, and asked a huge favor. Now she prayed that Jess had managed to make it happen.

"I think I can let you hold me for one night," Alex said as she followed Olivia to the bedroom. As soon as she walked inside, her jaw dropped, her eyes went wide, and she could barely breathe. There, sitting on the bed, were six bouquets of roses. She looked up at Olivia with tears in her eyes. "Wha…what is this?"

Olivia smiled, glad that Jess had been able to pull this off with such short notice. She took Alex's hand in hers and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Six dozen roses for six weeks."

"Six weeks?"

"Without a nightmare."

Alex's eyes widened even more when she heard Olivia's words. "You kept track?"

"You've been doing such an incredibly amazing job taking care of me ever since I got sick. You're cooking and cleaning and holding me, and you aren't upset when I get depressed and irritable. I can never express in words how grateful I am for all that you're doing, Alex. I know that I've been completely focused on this cancer, and that I should be so that I can get better, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm still thinking about you. I haven't forgotten you."

"It's really been six weeks?"

"As of last night."

"Wow," Alex said, barely able to catch her breath. She shook her head and ran her fingers through her hair as she stared at the flowers on the bed. "I remember when I couldn't even go a week without having a nightmare. I can't believe I've gone six weeks."

"I can," Olivia said proudly. "You've come a long way. I'm so proud of you, baby. I just wanted you to know that. I wanted you to know that I'm proud of you."

"You sure you want to hold me tonight?" Alex asked playfully, tears slowly running down her cheeks.

"Yeah, why?"

"Because all I want to do right now is wrap my arms around you and hold you close. You have no idea how much this means to me."

"We could hold each other."

"Yeah, let's do that."

"Sounds good to me."

They climbed into bed and wrapped their arms around each other, smiling warmly as they locked eyes. Olivia brushed the hair out of Alex's face and pulled her closer. "Night, Alex. I love you."

"Night, Liv. I love you, too."

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"Please tell me you found something at Warren's place," Casey said as she walked into the precinct and over to Elliot's desk. She had stayed with Julia and listen to her recount the horrific details of how Warren had raped her repeatedly, and how she had always complied with his demands because he promised not to hurt Grace and Abigail as long as she did so. Two nights ago, however, she'd walked in on him hurting the two of them, and had attacked him for it. For seventeen months she'd willingly given herself to him, believing that she was saving Grace and Abigail from harm. When she found out it had all been a lie, she couldn't stop herself. She grabbed Grace's softball bat and started swinging. Warren had managed to hit her a few times, but her last swing had sent him flying out of the room and down the stairs. A little while later, Abigail had found her unconscious in the bathroom and called 911. Now that she was back at the stationhouse, Casey wanted answers. She was exhausted and in desperate need of some good news.

Elliot looked up and frowned when he saw Casey's disheveled appearance. She was still wearing the same clothes as when he'd dropped her off at the hospital the day before, which meant she hadn't bothered to change after leaving this morning. He walked around the desk and nodded. "We did, but you really should go home and get some rest. We'll –"

"No!" she screamed angrily. She looked around nervously and realized everyone was now staring at her. She took several deep breaths and lowered her voice. "I want to know what you found. I need to know everything so I can start putting this case together. That little girl has been through more in her eleven years than most of us go through in our entire lives! Please, Elliot, just tell me what you found."

Elliot saw the look of desperation on Casey's face and decided to give her the information. He walked back around his desk and sat down, motioning for her to sit in the chair next to him. "CSU found spermacide on all three girls' beds. Lab's working on it right now."

"He raped all three of them."

"Looks that way."

"Damn."

"There's more."

"More? How the hell can there be more?"

Elliot sighed. "The documents in Warren's house were all fake."

"What?"

"He's not a foster parent. He forged the documents so he could get through all the inspections and everything. Looks like he actually bought those girls. Paid ten grand for each of them so he could turn them into his own little sex objects."

"Beth?"

"She's a real social worker. She does good work, too. Looks like she just needed a little extra money because she was about to lose her house after divorcing her husband."

"Tell me you found something on her."

Elliot frowned. "Nothing really concrete. The fact that Grace and Abigail told her about the abuse and nothing was done was enough to secure a warrant for her office as well as her home."

"And?"

"None of those girls were in the system."

"What?"

"They used to be in the system, except just over a year ago, they were all adopted by a Sarah and Benjamin Parker. We checked. There is no married couple by the name of Sarah and Benjamin Parker who adopted three little girls in the entire state of New York. The address given puts them in the middle of the Hudson River and the phone number's fake."

"She made them disappear."

He nodded sadly and sighed. "We can't prove that she's the one that sold them though. We can see that the money left Warren's account, but we can't find where it went. Beth's arguing the so-called adoption record problem is the result of a clerical error and that she's very upset about the whole ordeal. I must say, she's one hell of an actress, too. She's good at acting remorseful." He took a deep breath and looked Casey in the eyes. "We know she's guilty. We just can't prove it yet."

Casey swallowed and nodded. "Get me everything you have on her. This is enough to take the case to trial. I'm going to nail the bitch."

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Dinner was waiting for her when she got home, and she couldn't have been more relieved that she didn't have to cook. Steve was good to her. She smiled as she walked in the door and saw the meal he had prepared for her.

"Elliot called me to let me know you wouldn't be home last night. Are you okay?"

She shook her head and put her briefcase down as she sat down in a chair at the table. "I don't know. I feel like I failed that little girl. I feel like it's my fault this happened to her."

Steve walked up behind her and began gently massaging her shoulders. "You did no such thing and this is by no means your fault. You put Jennings in jail. You made her feel safe again. There's no way you could possibly have knows that her social worker was capable of doing something like this."

"I knew something wasn't right about her!"

"But you couldn't have known it was this bad." He stopped massaging her shoulders and bent down to look her in the eyes. He bit his lower lip nervously and held both of her hands. "Please don't blame yourself for this, honey. It's not your fault. You're an amazing, wonderful woman, with the biggest damned heart in the world. You didn't cause this, but you do have the power to help fix it. Julia needs you now. She wouldn't have been so desperate to see you if she blamed you."

As a few tears fell down her cheeks, she set her fork down and shook her head. "Then why do I feel so bad? Why do I feel like the biggest failure in the world?"

"Because this is a shitty situation that never should have happened. Yes, you knew something was wrong with Beth, and you even looked into it a bit, but nothing came up. There was nothing to find at the time, honey. No matter how hard you looked you were never going to find anything on her. Don't blame yourself, Case. It's not fair to you. Give yourself credit for what you're doing. Be proud of yourself for what you've accomplished so far, and what you're going to accomplish. You're that little girl's hero."

"I don't think I want to be anybody's hero. It's too much of a responsibility."

"It's a big one, but the rewards are incredible. Just think of how good you're going to feel when you nail Warren's and Beth's asses."

She smiled weakly. "That will be pretty nice."

"Then focus on that."

"Thanks, Steve. You're a good man, you know that?"

"Yeah, and you're a good woman. I love you, Case. Please take care of yourself during this. I can tell already that it's going to be hell. Lean on me when you need some support…please. Don't close up and let it eat at you."

"I won't. I want to win this one, and I'm going to need all the support I can get."

"I'll be right here, the whole time."

She smiled weakly and squeezed his hands. "I know you will. I love you."

"I love you, too."

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Yeah, it's a little short. Sue me. At least you're getting another update really quickly.

I have six papers to write now…damn fanfiction distracting me!


	24. The Ultrasound Results

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

You guys…your reviews are making me feel all warm and mushy inside! I love you all :)

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"Okay, what's with the large coffee?" Alex asked as she walked into the office and found Casey already hard at work. She sat her briefcase down and looked at the large cup of coffee sitting on her desk. "Not that I'm not grateful for it, but what's up?"

Casey sighed and bit her lower lip, trying to prolong the inevitable. Alex looked exhausted, and Casey was sure she had been staying up with Olivia a lot lately. This case was going to have them working long hours, and Casey hated that it had landed in their laps at the worst possible time. She took a deep breath and smiled. "How was your weekend? Were the Falls as beautiful as they're rumored to be?"

Alex sighed happily and sat down in her seat. She smiled and put her arms behind her head, leaning back in her chair. "They were amazing. It was a great weekend. We had so much fun."

"Aw, Alex, that's great," Casey said eagerly. She wanted to keep this conversation going as long as possible. "So, give me all the details. I wanna know what you two did up there!"

Alex laughed, happy that Casey was taking an interest in her weekend. "Oh, Case, it was just…it was perfect. We went to the Falls the first night there. They were beyond beautiful. I can't wait to get the pictures developed. We took so many of them it's ridiculous."

"Well you'd better put a rush on the film. I want to see them as soon as you get them."

"I'll show them to you as soon as Olivia and I can pick out the ones we look crappy in."

Casey raised her eyebrows. "You and Olivia looking crappy…not possible."

"Yeah, whatever."

"So, what else did you do?"

Alex sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. "The receptionist at the hotel kind of gave Liv and I a hard time when we tried to check in…got kinda angry when she saw the two of us together after looking at the computer screen and seeing that Liv booked a room with a single bed."

"What a bitch," Casey said angrily. She shook her head and frowned. You two shouldn't have to deal with shit like that. You obviously love each other. Did you tell her to shove it?"

Alex laughed. "Yeah, we took care of it," she said, smiling confidently. "We came back from the Falls and had an incredibly, over the top make-out session in the lobby while we were waiting for our elevator. I don't think I've ever seen anybody squirm as much as that woman did."

"Good for you. I wish I could have been there to see it."

"It was great."

"So, anything else exciting happen?" Casey asked, still trying to keep the conversation going. She was dreading telling Alex that Julia had been through yet another ordeal.

"Liv got sick the next day so we spent it in bed. I ordered room service and we watched a bunch of movies. I didn't mind at all, but she still felt pretty bad about it."

Casey frowned. "How's she holding up?"

"As well as can be expected. Her hair's starting to get a little thin, which means it's probably going to fall out soon. I can tell she knows and it's scaring her a bit. She's losing a lot of weight, and she's thin enough to begin with." She shook her head and forced a smile. "But she's tough. She's really fighting this with all she's got."

"Just keep telling her she's not alone. I'll make sure to stop by and visit more often. I know I've been kind of swamped lately with my own issues." Casey looked down at her desk and frowned. "I don't want to get so distracted with cases that I lose track of everyone else in my life."

Alex furrowed her eyebrows in confusion and sat up in her chair. Something was off with Casey. She noticed it the second she'd walked into the room, but hadn't said anything because Casey had been so eager to hear about her weekend. "Case, what gives? Did we get a new case while I was gone?"

"We did," Casey said uneasily. She licked her lips and then bit her lower one hesitantly. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes and picked up the file. "It's going to be a tough one, and with Liv sick, I really want to make sure that you're okay with that. If you want to take off and be with her, please do that. I can take this one alone."

"Case," Alex said slowly and worriedly. "What's wrong? What's this case?"

"Julia Winters."

"What?" Alex asked, feeling like her breath was literally being ripped out of her. "She's…isn't she the one…"

"She gave us Jennings."

Alex put her hands over her mouth and took several deep breaths. She couldn't believe this was happening. It couldn't be happening, right? That little girl couldn't possibly have gone through more than what Jennings had done to her…right? She could feel tears forming in her eyes, but managed to force them back for the time being. "What happened to her?"

Casey hesitated. "Alex, I don't –"

"Casey, please," Alex begged. "That man haunted me for seventeen years. Then that little girl had more guts than I did, and she told you what happened…who he was. She stopped him." Alex wiped away a few tears and swallowed slowly. "I want to know what happened to that little girl."

"Okay," Casey said softly as she picked up the file and opened it. She hated to do this, but looking at Alex, she knew she had to. "She, um, her foster father was abusing her. She went along with it, thinking that by doing so she was saving her younger foster sisters from him. When she found out that wasn't the case, she attacked him with a baseball bat and sent him flying down the stairs. He's still in the hospital – paralyzed from the neck down, too."

"Tell me we're not pressing charges."

"His wife wants to, but with what she and the other two girls are saying, plus all the evidence we found at the house, she's not going to get into any trouble." She paused and looked up at Alex, waiting for the woman to take in what she'd just been told. "There's um…there's more."

"More?"

"They um, the foster father apparently paid ten grand for each of the three girls. Social worker's claiming clerical error but we're all pretty suspicious. She hasn't taken very good care of Julia –"

"She abandoned her in the hospital last time!"

"And she did it again this time," Casey finished softly, in a futile attempt to calm Alex a little. "She wasn't planning on coming back until Julia was released from the hospital. That plus apparently the younger girls told Beth that he was abusive and she did nothing. Julia…she tried to kill herself after she knocked out her foster dad."

Alex nodded and blinked several times. She all of a sudden felt like the entire room was spinning and she couldn't focus on anything. She put her hands on her desk, closed her eyes, and took several deep, slow breaths. When she opened her eyes, she saw Casey kneeling next to her, a worried expression on her face. "We're taking them to trial, right? Her foster dad and the social worker? We've got enough to get them, right?"

"Yeah," Casey said softly as she placed her hand on Alex's shoulder. "We've got more than enough. They'll pay for this, I promise. I'll make sure they pay."

"Where's she going to go?"

"What?"

"Julia. If Beth's under investigation, that means Julia's being given a new social worker." Alex allowed a few tears to slide down her cheeks as she bit her lower lip. "I don't want her to get lost in the system. She's already been through so much."

"I won't let her get lost."

"How can you say that? How can you know she's not going to just get thrown away like she's been all her life?"

Casey stood up and walked over to her desk. "Because I'm going to make sure she gets put in a home that's stable. I'm going to personally make sure she's placed someplace safe."

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"I have one hell of a crazy idea to run past you," Casey said as she sat down at the dinner table with Steve that evening. She couldn't believe she was actually planning on doing this, but she'd thought about it for a while now – more than a year actually – and she desperately hoped he was okay with it.

"A crazy idea, huh?" Steve asked playfully, sitting down at the table and picking up his fork. He stabbed it into his salad and took a large bite. "What is it?" he asked, his mouth full of food.

"It's kind of a serious one, Steve. Can you put your food down for a second and listen to me?" She didn't mean to get angry, but she also wanted him to understand how serious she was.

He laughed hesitantly and put down his fork. "Okay," he said. "What is it you want to run by me?"

"Remember when Jess told us she was pregnant?"

"Yeah…"

"And you said you'd like to try for a baby?"

"Oh my, God, are you pregnant?"

"Not exactly," Casey said softly.

He furrowed his eyebrows in complete confusion and shook his head. What the hell was she trying to get him to understand? "Casey, what are you trying to ask me? What's this idea of yours?"

"How would you feel about maybe…adopting a child?"

"Wow. I definitely wasn't expecting that one." He looked her in the eyes and was immediately worried that she was feeling guilty for something. He reached across the table and took her hand. "Honey, we haven't been trying very long at all. Don't give up yet."

"What? Oh, no, Steve, that's not it. I'm not giving up on getting pregnant, trust me. I really, really want to have a child of my own someday."

"But?"

She sighed and smiled nervously. "I met a little girl that I really want to adopt. I fell in love with her, Steve. I just…I want to run it by you and if you're not okay with it, I completely understand."

"This is really sudden, Case. I mean, I've never met the girl. Our house isn't –"

"I know," she interrupted. She squeezed his hand gently and prayed that he wasn't thinking that she was a complete idiot for this. It wasn't like they'd ever even talked about adoption. She had just thrown this in his face and he had no idea how to respond. She hated that she had made him uncomfortable. She should have broached the topic before telling him she had a child in mind. "I was thinking I'd bring you by for her birthday party next week. I've found her a relatively stable foster home for the time being, but she deserves something permanent. I don't want you to make a decision right away or anything. I just…I fell in love with her, Steve. I really did."

Steve had never seen Casey like this before. Yes she loved children and it always crushed her when they were the victims, but this time it was different. "You really want to do this don't you?"

"More than anything else in this world. I reached her, Steve. I've seen her interact with other people and she's hurting so much. She won't talk to anyone, but she'll talk to me. She's a beautiful, wonderful little girl, and I want to help her."

"You said she's having a birthday party next week?"

"She's turning twelve. I've already spoken with the people who are taking her in. She's going to be released from the hospital tomorrow and they're planning to keep up with her therapy sessions. They're good people, Steve. She's safe there. They told me they wanted to make sure I came to the party."

He nodded slowly. He wasn't at all against adopting an older child. In fact, seeing the look of determination and dedication on Casey's face, he was almost excited about it. Still, he had to prepare himself for it. Adopting a child would mean completely changing their lives. It was something he had to think about for a little while. "I'll come with you to the party. I'll meet her. I guess after that we can start talking."

Her eyes went wide when he gave her his answer. She could feel the tears pouring down her cheeks as she took several deep breaths, trying to keep her breathing under control. "You're going to think about it?"

He smiled and gave her hands another gentle squeeze. "I remember how difficult this case was when you first met the girl a year and a half ago. I remember you telling me how well the two of you clicked. I need some time to process this and prepare myself for possibly completely changing our lives; but yes, I'll think about it."

The tears were flowing more heavily now and she smiled gratefully. "Thank you," she said softly.

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"So, just lie back on the bed and open up the gown," the doctor told her as she sat down on the examination table. "Are you and your husband interested in knowing the sex of the child?"

Jess smiled and looked over at Allen as she leaned back and opened her gown. She squeezed his hand excitedly and looked back at the doctor. "We're very much interested," she said happily.

"We want to know so we can start preparing the nursery and everything," Allen added, smiling as the doctor prepared the jelly and ultrasound equipment. "We want to make sure we have the most perfect nursery for our little bundle of joy."

The doctor smiled proudly at Allen. "Sounds like someone's excited to be a father. We like to see that in here. The mother's come in here alone way too often for my liking."

Allen smiled lovingly at Jess, who was lying flat on her back with her gown open, waiting for the doctor to begin the exam. "Well I can guarantee you she's not alone. I'd have to be the stupidest guy in the world to leave this woman."

"You'd also be the one whose life is in the most danger," Jess added jokingly. "I'd hunt you down and kill you if you ever left me alone and pregnant. Trust me, you do not want a hormonal pregnant woman chasing you."

The doctor laughed as he poured the jelly onto Jess' belly and began the exam. "You said you're about three months along?" he asked, and smiled when Jess nodded. "Okay, well it's usually easier to determine the sex of the baby at fifteen weeks, but I can give you my best guess. Don't hold me to anything, though. Your best bet is to come back in here in a few weeks to be sure."

"Sounds good. I just want to make sure the baby's healthy.

He smiled and began the exam, moving it around until he got a clear picture, then raised his eyebrows. He looked over at Jess and smiled when he saw her squinting, trying to see the picture on the screen. He pointed to a large mass on part of the screen. "See this right here?"

Jess leaned her head and squinted her eyes, then smiled. "Yeah. Is that my baby?"

"That's your little girl."

"A girl?"

"Looks that way."

Allen was silent as he stared at the screen, listening to the doctor tell Jess they were about to have a little girl. He leaned in and studied the screen closer, then tapped the screen with his finger. "And what's this right here, next to her?"

The doctor looked over his shoulder and smiled happily at Allen. "That right there, would be your little boy."


	25. Visits to the Doctor

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

You guys…your reviews are making me feel all warm and mushy inside! I love you all :)

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"Hey, Jess?" Allen asked hesitantly as he poked his head into the bathroom. He frowned when he saw her sitting on the floor, her face in the toilet. Ever since she hit the three-month mark two weeks ago, she'd been getting sick several times a day. It killed him to see her like this, and he vowed to do everything in his power to make her feel better. He knelt down beside her and gently placed his hand on her back. "You okay, sweetie?"

She pulled her head out of the toilet and sighed as she sat up. This getting sick all the time was really starting to scare her. The fact that she couldn't keep anything down was undoubtedly hurting the babies. She had called the doctor and had been told to give it one more week. If things didn't get better by then, she was to come in for a visit. "I'm okay," she said sadly. "I'm just tired, and really sick of being sick."

"Yeah, I bet," he said gently as he slowly helped her to her feet. He wrapped his arm around her and smiled, leading her out towards the kitchen. "The groceries are all put away. I got the pickles and catsup you wanted and –"

"Uhhhhhhh," she groaned miserably.

"What is it?"

"That's what I was craving this morning, but now the thought of eating that makes me want to puke again. I'm so sorry, Allen. I sent you to the store for nothing."

"Nonsense," he assured her. "You can also have bananas and mayonnaise, apples with sour cream, or pizza with mustard," he told her, rattling off her most frequent odd cravings. "Of course, you can also mix and match. How does pizza and bananas sound?"

She smiled gratefully and looked up at him. "Put some mustard in there, too, and we'll be in business."

He tried not to grimace as she told him what she was craving. "Bananas and mustard on pepperoni pizza? Is that really what you're craving?"

"Allen, I can't explain it either but yes, that's what I'm craving. I'm pregnant, I'm hormonal, and that's the only combination of food that doesn't make me want to run to the toilet and throw up again."

"Well whatever keeps you from getting sick," he said happily as he prepared her food. He brought it out into the living room and sat down next to her on the couch. "Your lunch, m'dear."

She smiled and shook her head, taking the plate from him. After she took the first bite, she looked up at him and furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. "You're actually going to sit here and watch me eat this? How are you not completely disgusted?"

He smiled and kissed her lightly on the forehead. "You could never disgust me. You're the most beautiful woman in the world…even with your odd cravings." He gently placed his hand on her stomach. "Besides, you're carrying precious cargo there. If there's something you can keep down, I'm going to make sure you get it."

"What if it's really, incredibly disgusting?"

"Jess?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't think you can get much more disgusting than pepperoni pizza with bananas and mustard."

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It was the sound of muffled crying that woke her up this time. Normally a sound that quiet wouldn't have even registered with her, but she'd been sleeping much lighter ever since Olivia had gotten sick. She opened her eyes and frowned. Olivia's side of the bed was empty. She rolled over and saw that the bathroom door was shut, a small light shining through the bottom. Praying that the door wasn't locked, she made her way towards the bathroom.

Olivia was sitting in the corner of the bathroom, her knees pulled up to her chest, crying into a pillow. "Go away," she said miserably as Alex came in.

She pulled a washcloth out of the closet, wet it with cold water, and sat down next to Olivia. "Nope," she said, taking Olivia's hand and placing the washcloth on her forehead. She frowned when Olivia pulled away. "Liv, honey, what's wrong?"

"Just leave me alone!" she screamed angrily, standing up and walking out of the bathroom.

Alex closed her eyes and dug in her heels, preparing for a fight. This had been happening more often lately, and she was determined to put a stop to it once and for all. Olivia had been fighting her each and every time she tried to offer her any comfort. Alex was getting tired of it. She walked into the bedroom and sighed as she saw Olivia sitting on the bed, hunched over and trying to hide her tears. She slowly sat down next to her and gently rubbed her back, glad that Olivia didn't immediately pull away. "Honey, talk to me. I don't want you to pull away like this anymore…it's scaring me."

"I feel like I'm putting you through hell and you don't deserve it."

"Baby, this pulling away from me is hell. Yes, it's hell watching how sick you are, but Liv, sweetie, you've got to let me in. I know it's hard, but let me help you. You can't do this alone, baby."

Olivia looked up and bit her lower lip. "I was brushing my hair after I threw up and…and a huge clump fell out. I just, I lost it. I mean, I knew this was going to happen, but when I actually saw the hair in the brush…"

Alex pulled Olivia closer and kissed her lightly. "That must have been so hard. I'm so sorry I wasn't there with you." She brushed the hair out of Olivia's face and smiled warmly. "I'm still here, see? You're not going to get rid of me that easily. I know you're scared that I'll leave you once you lose your hair or your breasts, but that's not ever going to happen. I'm right here, baby. I'm right here."

"I really don't want to go in tomorrow," Olivia said several minutes later. As hard as it was to talk about this with Alex, she was glad she was able to do so. Concentrating on Alex's hand gently rubbing her back, she continued. "They're going to tell me how the chemo's doing…whether or not they're going to have to – to take my breasts."

"And I'm going to be right there with you. Fight it, Liv. Fight this damn cancer so you can get back to living your life. I'm in for the long haul. Get used to it."

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"Ms. Novak! Ms. Novak!" Julia yelled across the bowling alley as she saw Casey walking towards her. She ran towards the woman and threw her arms around her. "You actually came!"

Casey laughed and hugged Julia tight. "First of all, please call me Casey, and of course I came," she said. "There's cake, there's bowling, and most importantly, there's you." She pulled out of the hug and smiled. "There's no place I'd rather be right now than right here."

"Well thanks for coming," Julia said excitedly. She turned to the man standing next to Casey and furrowed her eyebrows. She looked back to Casey and bit her lower lip nervously. "Is that your husband?" she whispered softly.

"Yep," Casey said proudly. "Steve, this is Julia. Julia, this is my husband, Steve."

Steve held out his hand and smiled. "Pleased to meet you, Julia."

Julia hesitated. She was still fairly skittish around men, especially those she didn't know. Casey smiled and met Julia's eyes. "It's okay," she mouthed, trying to give the girl some encouragement. Julia took a deep breath and shook Steve's hand. "Pleased to meet you, too, Mr. Novak."

"Please, call me Steve."

"Really?"

"Absolutely."

"Okay…" she answered nervously before turning back to Casey. "I was about to set up a game with my friends. Want to play one with us?"

"I would love to. Lead the way." She happily followed Julia over to their section. She frowned when she saw Julia's foster parents along with only two other girls. Were they really the only two friends Julia had? She hoped not. Putting on as big a smile as she could, she introduced herself, first to the foster parents, then to the friends. "Mr. and Mrs. Stevens, thank you so much for allowing me to come to Julia's birthday party."

Mrs. Stevens stood up and smiled, shaking Casey's hand firmly. "We're just glad you could make it. Julia's told us so much about you. From what she says, you must be one special lady."

"Oh, she is," Steve said, introducing himself. "She really is."

"These are my friends, Robyn and Kristen," Julia said, dragging her two friends over to meet Casey and Steve. She turned to them and smiled. "Robyn, Kristen, this is Casey and her husband, Steve. Casey's a really, really good friend of mine. She helped me a lot last year."

As they were all shaking hands and introducing themselves, Casey wondered if Julia had talked to Robyn and Kristen about what had happened. _She helped me a lot last year,_ Julia had said. Casey wondered how much the young girl had been able to share.

"Casey, would you like to go first?" Julia asked as she sat down at the screen to start plugging in everyone's names.

"I think you should go first. You are the birthday girl."

Julia smiled and began putting everyone's names on the list. She put hers first, then Robyn, Kristen, Casey, and Steve. Her foster parents were older – both in their late sixties – and had decided not to bowl. They were happy to just sit and watch. Casey could see how much Julia wanted them to play with her, but the young girl was good at hiding her disappointment.

The day seemed to fly by faster than seemed physically possible. They played four games, and Julia won all four by a landslide. Casey high – fived her at the end of the last game and shook her head in defeat. "You are by far the best twelve – year – old bowler I've ever met, missy."

Julia smiled proudly. "Thanks. My old foster parents used to take me all the time, before…you know…Mr. Jennings. Then they kind of stopped and then I went to live with Mr. Warren. I really enjoyed it though. Bowling's a lot of fun."

Casey smiled. "Well, I haven't gotten you a birthday present yet, mainly because I didn't really know what you wanted, but now I have an idea in mind. I'd have to check with your foster parents first, of course." She waited for Julia to nod slightly before going over and talking to the Stevens. When she came back, she was glad to see Julia eagerly waiting to find out what was going on. "Well, I believe I may have some good news."

"What is it?" Julia asked excitedly.

"You really seem to enjoy bowling, right?"

"Um, yeah, it's only like, the best thing ever! Why?"

"How would you like to maybe join a bowling league?"

"What?"

Casey smiled at Julia's disbelief. "They play every Friday night from seven to nine, and it's teams of two. I know I'm not very good…okay, I'm actually pretty pathetic, but I thought it'd be fun if you and I did it for a while."

Julia's eyes lit up. "You want to join a bowling league with me?"

"I think it'd be a lot of fun."

"And the Stevens are okay with it?"

"They think it's a great idea."

"And you'd take me every Friday night? It'd be just the two of us, bowling against other people?"

Casey nodded. "Just us. Every single Friday night."

"For how long?"

"For as long as you want."

"Really?"

"Really. Happy birthday, sweetie."

Julia ran over and threw her arms around Casey. "Oh, thank you thank you thank you!" she exclaimed. "This is the best birthday present ever!"

Casey laughed and hugged Julia once again. "You're welcome, sweetie. I'm glad you enjoy it. I'm sure we're going to have a lot of fun doing this. Just promise me one thing."

"What?"

"When I totally suck, don't completely hate me."

Julia laughed. "Deal."

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"Just sit back and relax, honey, the doctor's going to be in soon, I promise," Allen said gently as he urged Jess back towards the examination table. She hadn't stopped vomiting several a day and they had decided it best to come in and see the doctor.

"Just sit back and relax?" she answered angrily as she sat down on the table. "I can't relax, Allen! I'm scared to death that something's wrong. What if I've done something wrong? What if I've done something to endanger the babies?"

He took a seat next to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "You've done no such thing," he assured her. "You've been doing everything the doctors told us and you're avoiding stress as much as possible. You're doing everything you can, honey."

She sighed and leaned her head on his shoulder. "I'm just really, really scared right now," she told him sadly. "I can barely keep any food down and I'm scared I'm hurting the babies."

"And that's why we're here today. You're doing everything you're supposed to be doing, Jess, I promise."

"We've been waiting in this damn room for twenty minutes! They told us three o'clock. Why the hell did they tell us three o'clock if they weren't planning on seeing us until at least three – thirty?"

He smiled and shrugged his shoulders. "I'm not sure. Doctors are funny that way sometimes. Maybe she's stuck with another patient who has a lot of questions. That could be a good thing…means she's willing to stick around and answer them."

Before Jess could answer, the door opened and the doctor walked in, an apologetic look on her face. "I'm so sorry to keep you waiting. My last patient had a lot of questions and I hated to just leave her hanging."

Jess smiled and nodded, accepting the apology right away. Allen was right. She was glad the doctor was willing to wait and answer a patient's questions, mainly because she was sure she was going to have plenty once the exam was over. "It's okay," she said, finally relaxing back onto the exam table. "I'm just anxious to get this over with."

"I bet you are," the doctor said as she pulled out her stethoscope and putting it to Jess' chest. "I understand you're having trouble keeping your food down?"

"Yeah. I'm throwing up three or four times a day. I'm getting a little worried."

"Well let's just take a look and see if we can't figure this out, huh?"

"That would be great."

After having her blood pressure taken, her temperature taken, her blood drawn, and explaining a very detailed description of her pregnancy so far, Jess was free to go home. The results of her blood test would arrive in three days, so for the time being, the doctor had prescribed some anti – nausea medication that she assured wouldn't harm the babies. "Just take it as easy as possible and get lots of rest. Give us a call if things don't start improving. I want to see you gaining some weight, Mrs. Handley."

Jess smiled and rolled her eyes. "As much as it pains me to say this, so would I."

"You're carrying twins, Mrs. Handley. Might as well get used to it. You're going be gaining a lot of weight."

"So long as my babies are healthy, I don't care what I look like."

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"I think we should do it," Steve said, sitting down with Casey at the dinner table. "I really think we should adopt her."

"You do?"

He smiled. "Yeah, I do. I saw the way the two of you interacted today, and it was magic. The look in that little girl's eyes when you walked in…that was incredible. And the look you had in your eyes while you were bowling with her. You were practically glowing."

She blushed as she looked down to her food. "You liked her?"

"How could I not have liked her? To hear you tell me about all that she's been through, and then to see her today, happy and full of life…she's got a hell of a lot of fight in her, that's for sure."

"She's a strong kid."

"I think she'd be happy here. I know I'd be happy to have her living with us, calling us mom and dad."

Casey looked up, tears pouring down her cheeks. She smiled when he reached across the table and gave her hands a gentle squeeze. "You're really willing to adopt her? I know this is so sudden and we never really discussed adopting and –"

"Casey?"

"Yeah?"

"I fell in love with her today at that bowling alley. Saying that I'm 'willing' to adopt her makes it sound like it's something that I don't really want to do. So no, I'm not 'willing' to adopt her. I _want_ to adopt her."

Casey swallowed and nodded in agreement. "I'll make some calls tomorrow. I have a few friends over in family law who could point me in the right direction. Odds are we're going to have to get references from people, but I don't think that'll be a problem."

"We've got plenty of friends who will write wonderful things about us. I don't think we'll have any problem with that end of the spectrum."

"No, we definitely won't," she agreed. "Plus, with Julia's age and history, she's going to be really hard to place. It's sad, but at least it'll practically guarantee her a place with us."

"We're really doing this, aren't we?"

"We're going to be parents, Steve!"

"I can't wait."

"Thank you so much for wanting to do this. It's going to take a fairly long time, from what I hear. That plus they're probably going to want her to live with us for six to eight months, just to get an idea of what it'll be like to have her with us. I don't care though. She's going to be living with us. She's finally going to know what it feels like to be loved. Thank you thank you thank you for doing this."

He laughed. "Thank you for introducing me to her. You're a good woman, Case, and you've got one hell of a big heart." He stood up and leaned across the table, planting a gentle kiss on her lips. "I love you"

She smiled. "I love you, too."

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The doctor had told her it would be best if she sat down for the news, which was exactly what she was hoping he didn't say. He didn't look like he was excited to bring her the news he was carrying in that manila envelope of his. If anything, it looked as though he was dreading it. She sat down slowly, trying to concentrate on breathing slowly and deeply. Her jaw was clenched tight, and she was pretty sure if she squeezed any harder, she'd break Alex's hand right then and there. "Tell me," she forced out.

"Miss Benson, looking at your scans, it looks as though your cancer has spread to your other breast. I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but it doesn't appear as though the chemo did the job."

"W – what – what does that mean?"

He frowned and took a deep breath. "It means that your best chance for survival would be to do a double mastectomy, and the sooner we do it, the better your odds. Once your breasts are removed, we're pretty sure you'll only need one more round of chemo just to make sure the tumor's actually gone, then you'll be home free."

She felt Alex wrap both arms around her, felt Alex pulling her close, felt Alex's shirt getting stained with her tears. She sobbed into Alex's chest, her shoulders heaving with each breath she took. It was the news she had been dreading, the news she knew would possibly come at any time. She had tried to prepare herself for it, tried to tell herself everyday that this might happen, but hearing the doctor actually say that it was really going to happen was so much harder than anything she'd ever imagined. This was going to make her feel like so much less of a woman, and she was absolutely terrified that all of Alex's words had been lies.

As Olivia collapsed into her arms, Alex did her best to fight the tears she knew she couldn't fight. Her cheeks were slowly getting soaked and there wasn't a damn thing she could do about it. All she could do now was hold Olivia and pray that she was strong enough to pull her through this. She slowly began to rock Olivia back and forth, gently combing her fingers through her lover's hair. "I love you so much," she whispered into Olivia's ear. "We're going to get through this, Liv. Together, we're going to get through this." As her shirt began to get more soaked from Olivia's tears, Alex closed her eyes and began to sing the song Olivia always sung to her when she was feeling unloved.

_You're my piece of mind, in this crazy world  
You're everything I've tried to find  
Your love is a pearl  
You're my Mona Lisa  
You're my rainbow skies  
And my only prayer is that you realize  
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes..._

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	26. Still Fighting

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

You guys…your reviews are making me feel all warm and mushy inside and I've reached more than 200!!!! I love you all :)

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Casey was looking over her files and paperwork when Alex came in. She had something she needed to ask Alex, but she wasn't quite sure how to do it. Looking back down to the files on her desk, she decided to wait until Alex had at least sat down and settled into her desk before broaching the subject.

"'Morning, Casey," Alex said as she sat down.

"Hey. How are you?"

Alex sighed. "Exhausted."

Casey frowned. Alex was coming in exhausted more often than not now, and while that was certainly understandable given the circumstances, there seemed to be something else in her demeanor now. "Everything okay?"

"I…I don't know, I just…" Alex hesitated. She wasn't sure how much she should tell Casey about the news she and Olivia had received from the doctor. At the same time, however, she was pretty sure Olivia wasn't going to want to tell anyone, and she was going to need all the help she could get in order to get through this. She took a deep breath and sighed, looking up and meeting Casey's eyes. "It was a long night. Olivia's doctor's appointment was yesterday and…" her voice trailed off, a single tear falling down her cheek.

"And what?" Casey asked, her voice full of concern. She immediately forgot her paperwork and the favor she was going to ask Alex. "Alex, what happened?"

Alex closed her eyes and sighed. "The cancer spread to her other breast. They, um…they want to do a double mastectomy, and they want to do it as soon as possible to better her odds of surviving."

"Oh my, God," Casey said, bringing her hands to her mouth as she said those words. She walked over and knelt beside Alex, wrapping her arms around the woman. "Can I do anything? Do you need any help doing anything…cleaning, cooking…anything?"

Alex managed a weak smile and shook her head. "No, but thanks. I think right now Olivia and I just need to try to work through this as best we can."

"She doing okay with it?"

"Not really," Alex admitted. "But that's what she's like. She's so damn stubborn and she's terrified that this is going to be the end of our relationship. I'm trying so hard to convince her that it's not but she's just…we've been doing a lot of arguing lately."

"Do you want me to call her or anything? You know I'd be glad to intervene again."

Casey's comment brought a bigger smile to Alex's face and she wiped away her tears. "No, I think we're okay right now, but thanks. I know you'd do anything to make sure we're okay, and I love you for that. You're a good friend, Case."

Casey offered a weak smile and walked back to her desk. "You're not so bad yourself, Alex. Please, if there's anything you need, don't hesitate to ask, and my door is always open. If you ever need a night away, come on over."

"Thanks," Alex smiled and shook her head and tried to get rid of all of her negativity for the day. After all, she did have work to do. She looked back up at Casey and raised her eyebrows expectantly. "So what was that favor you needed to ask me?"

"What? How did you…"

"You had a rather hesitant look on your face as soon as I walked in, one of those 'I need something but I'm afraid to ask it,' kind of looks. What do you need, Case?"

"Alex, I –"

"Casey, just ask me the favor. It's okay."

"Okay," Casey said, taking a deep, slow breath. She picked up a pen and began twirling it between her fingers "Steve and I have been doing a lot of talking – and I mean _a lot_ of talking – and we kind of made a huge decision." She put her pen down and sighed happily. "We want to adopt Julia. The trial's going to start in a few months and I want her to have a safe and stable place to come home to." She hesitated and looked down at her desk. "Of course, by adopting her, the defense is going to see my representing her as a –"

"Conflict of interest and milk it for all it's worth," Alex finished for her. It was sad but true. The defense would accuse Casey of over preparing Julia for the trial – probably even accuse her of telling Julia exactly what to say.

"Yeah."

"You two really want to adopt her?"

Casey smiled happily. "Yeah, we really do. She's a good kid. I know you never got the chance to meet her because of how quickly the trial ended up being, but I know you'd like her."

Alex smirked playfully. "Hey, she's the one who gave up Jennings. I already love her. This is so awesome, Case! I'm so happy for you two." She met Casey's eyes and smiled. "So I'm guessing that favor you need is for me to prosecute this one, huh?"

"Only if you're up for it. I know you've got a hell of a lot on your plate right now and this one's a little…personal. If you need me to find someone else –"

"I'll do it."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. It's about time that girl got to see the good this world has to offer."

Casey smiled weakly and nodded. "I'll give you all the information we have so far. The foster father will be a slam dunk, but we'll have to really work for the conviction on the social worker."

"I'll get her," Alex said confidently.

"Oh, I know you will," Casey said, matching Alex's confidence. "It just won't be easy. That woman is one hell of a good actress. She's going to give the jury a sob story and everything."

"Are we going to be able to talk to the other two girls?"

"They're in Maine right now with their aunt, but we need to get them down here. I talked to the aunt and she's more than willing to get them here as soon as we need them and to stay as long as possible."

Alex frowned and shook her head, confused by what she was hearing. "Why is she being so helpful with the girls now? Where was she when they were put into the system?"

"Recovering from a car accident," Casey told her. "Apparently she's been trying to find them for more than a year, but hasn't been able to do so."

"Because Beth had sold them by then."

"Exactly."

"Give me everything you've got, Case. I want to nail the bitch."

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"Okay, so the relaxation tapes, the anti – nausea medications, and the deep breathing are _not_ helping at all," Jess said, moaning as she threw up for the fourth time since waking up seven hours earlier. Even though Allen's hand was gently rubbing her back, she still felt sick. It helped a little, but not enough to keep her nausea from coming back again and again.

Allen swallowed and stiffened slightly. He had spoken with the doctor earlier and they had discussed their options. He knew what he had to do, but Jess wasn't going to like it. "The doctor called when you were in the shower."

"What'd she say?" Jess asked nervously.

"That if you don't start gaining weight we'll have to put in a 24 – hour IV that will administer a stronger dose of anti – nausea medication." He grimaced in preparation for her retaliation, and was surprised when she didn't respond. "I know it sounds horrible, but –"

"Does she think it'll help the babies?"

"She hopes it will. It'll have to be cleaned regularly and you'll have to be really careful with it, but –"

"I'll do it."

He smiled at her as he pushed the hair out of her face. "I wish there was more I could do to help you get through this. You're so brave and strong. I hate that I can't take some of this away."

She laughed and allowed him to help her to her feet. As much as she was throwing up, she was gaining a little weight. It was becoming pretty obvious now that she was pregnant, though only if you really looked closely. That was the part that scared her. She was more than half way through her third month, with twins, and you couldn't really tell she was pregnant. She desperately wanted to be able to keep more food down so her babies would grow healthy and strong. "Well, thank you for always being so patient with me and my mood swings. I know I've been kind of crazy lately."

"Yeah, you have," he said, smiling playfully and leading her into the bedroom. "But I love you all the same. I'm just so proud of you right now, with everything this is doing to you, you still manage to stay happy and positive."

"I've got two beautiful babies to look forward to. That's what's keeping me going…plus all the love I know I'm going to get from you. You're a good man, Allen. You really are."

He smiled and brushed the hair out of her face and lightly kissed her. "You're pretty amazing, yourself, hon. I'm proud of you."

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Olivia wasn't in the bedroom like she usually was when Alex got home from work. She put her briefcase down and prayed that Olivia wasn't throwing up again. She hesitantly opened the bathroom door and sighed with relief. Olivia wasn't there, which meant she wasn't throwing up. Then she heard it. it was faint, but she could hear the song playing. It was the song Olivia always sang to her. She closed her eyes and tried to ward off the tears as she made her way to the added room. There, lying in the fetal position and sobbing hysterically, though trying to be silent, was Olivia, all her hair shaved off.

"Oh, honey," Alex said lovingly as she rushed over. She laid down next to Olivia and pulled her close. It felt like Olivia had lost even more weight. Alex was terrible at guessing, but she was willing to bet that Olivia was barely over one hundred pounds. She gently rubbed Olivia's back and kissed the back of her head. Olivia was starting to look more and more like a cancer patient: pasty skin, bruises all over, and sunken eyes. She wiped away a tear and leaned her head against Olivia's. "What happened, baby? What happened?"

"I – I – I – I just – I thought –" she tried to speak, but she was crying too hard to get anything out. She felt Alex tighten her grip around her, pulling her closer. She took several deep breaths and tried to speak again. "I tried…I brushed my hair and I tried…more hair fell out and – and there was a big bald spot and I just thought it would be better to shave it all of but – but – but now I look hideous!"

"Oh, baby, that's not possible," Alex said sternly. She leaned up on one arm so she could lean slightly over Olivia. She kissed her head again and rubbed it gently, trying to make as much contact as possible so she could show Olivia that it didn't bother her. "You are so beautiful, Liv. I don't ever want you to think otherwise."

Olivia rolled over angrily and pushed Alex's hands away. "I'm bald, Alex!" she screamed as she slowly and painfully rose to her feet. "I'm bald, my skin is pasty, I'm covered in bruises, I'm –"

"Fighting a terrible disease and winning!"

"And I'm about to lose my breasts! I'll be bald and breastless and –"

"And you'll be healthy!" Alex yelled back. She didn't want to be the one screaming right now. She wanted to be the one who was calm and in control. She needed to keep things from blowing out of proportion. At the same time, however, she wasn't sure how much longer she could keep this up. Olivia was continuing to push her away, and she was running out of ideas for how to stop it. "You'll be healthy, Liv. You'll be healthy."

"Whatever," Olivia mumbled as she walked out of the room and climbed into bed. she felt Alex begin to crawl into bed with her, and pushed her away. "If you don't mind, I'd like to have a little room to myself tonight."

Alex gritted her teeth and closed her eyes, taking several deep breaths as she stepped back from the bed. "This is my bed, too, Olivia. I have just as much a right to sleep here as you do."

"And I'd really like to be alone right now, so one of us is sleeping in the bed and one of us is sleeping on the couch. I'm pretty sure you don't want to send your cancer-ridden girlfriend to the couch now do you?"

Knowing that Olivia didn't actually mean what she was saying, but also knowing that she couldn't fight any longer, Alex nodded and turned around to walk out of the bedroom. As she reached the door, she turned back around to face Olivia. "Once you have this surgery and you're done your chemo, you'll be cancer – free. Your hair will grow back, Liv, and you'll be happy again. I love you. I will never in my entire life stop loving you. You're a fighter, Liv, and you're stubborn as hell. Don't you dare give up now, not when you're this close." She turned off the light and rested her head on the doorframe. "I'll be at Casey's for a little while. Call me when you're back to the Olivia Benson I know. Until then, don't bother."

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"Does that offer still stand?"

Casey stared in horror as a seemingly defeated Alex stood on her doorstep with tears streaming down her face. She sighed and wrapped an arm around Alex's shoulders. "Come in, sweetie. I'll get you all set up in our guest room."

"Thanks," Alex said weakly.

"She's still fighting you?"

Alex nodded and sat down on the bed while Casey pulled the bed sheets from the closet. "Yeah," she said, helping Casey put the sheets on the bed, then sitting back down. "It's getting worse, too. She wouldn't even let me lie in bed with her tonight. I thought I could handle this, Case, I really did, but I don't think I'm strong enough."

Casey sat down and pulled Alex into a tight hug. "You are strong enough, just give it time. She's going through a lot right now and she needs some alone time to process everything." _And if she doesn't suck it up and deal with it soon, she's going to have my foot shoved so far up her ass she won't have any other choice,_ she added silently.

"I just feel so drained right now. I'm trying so hard to be there for her and let her cry and everything, but she just keeps pushing me away. I'm so completely exhausted and I just…" she shook her head, her voice trailing off as she couldn't find the words to express how she was feeling.

"Stay here for the night, and if you need to, for even longer," Casey said softly. "Get some rest, take a long, hot bath, and relax a little." She smiled as Alex looked up. "I know you've been spending all your time worrying about Olivia. Now spend some time worrying about yourself. You've gotta take care of yourself, too."

"I know. I just feel like she's the one who needs the attention right now, not me. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, it does, but as much as she needs you to get her through this, you still need to focus some of your time on yourself. Get some rest here at least for tonight, and go back over there with all your energy."

Alex looked up nervously and bit her lower lip. "I was kind of wondering if I could maybe stay two nights…if that's okay of course. I know you and Steve are about to start filing the paperwork to get Julia and everything and if it's too much –"

"It's fine," Casey assured her. She gave Alex a quick, final squeeze and stood to leave. "There are towels in the closet in the bathroom along with a variety of bathsalts. Use them if you'd like. If you need me, just yell. Tonight's about you, Alex. focus on that."

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Someone was pounding on the door, but she ignored it. maybe if she ignored it, whoever was knocking would give up and try again later. She pulled the covers over her head and groaned as the knocking continued. Suddenly, she heard the door open and someone walk in. she cursed under her breath. Alex had forgotten to lock the door again. Just then, she heard footsteps entering the bedroom.

"Olivia?"

_Elliot? What the hell are you doing here? You're supposed to be at work!_

He sat down at the foot of the bed and placed his hand on her foot. "Olivia, come on. Pull the covers off of your head and get out of this bed."

"No."

"What happened to my partner, huh?" he asked, slightly irritated and definitely challenging her. "What happened to the 'fight with all you've got, never give up' Olivia Benson I used to know?

"Elliot, just go away. Go back to work," she mumbled angrily.

"No," he said sternly. Before she could say anything else, he grabbed the blanket and yanked as hard as he could, pulling it off her and throwing it onto the floor. She scrambled to hide her head under the pillow as the blanket no longer provided her with any cover. "Don't," he said gently as he reached over and placed his hand on hers. "You don't have to hide, Liv."

Keeping a firm grip on the pillow but not putting it over her head, she closed her eyes. "I don't want you to see me like this," she said softly, her voice full of emotion.

"Like what? Bald?" When she looked away in shame, he cupped her face and turned it back to meet his. "You're fighting cancer, Liv. This is what happens when people fight cancer. It's okay."

She pulled away from him and walked silently into the bathroom. She heard him sigh as she closed and locked the door behind her. Turning on the shower, she stepped in and allowed the tears to finally fall. It killed her that she was pushing everyone away and trying to do this by herself. Yes, she would occasionally allow Alex to hold her and help her get through a night, but those moments were few and far between. Usually she just fought and pushed Alex away. She couldn't understand why it was so hard for her to admit that she wasn't okay and that she needed all the help and support that she could get.

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"So I see you decided to do the permanent IV, huh?" The doctor said, looking up from her clipboard as she walked into the room. "I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to this – I hate when I have to do these to the moms, but it's for the best. Your babies will be much healthier if we can keep you from throwing up as much as you are right now."

Jess smiled weakly and nodded. "I just hate that I can't be normal like most other moms. I wish I could have a normal, healthy pregnancy…not like this."

The doctor smiled and nodded understandingly. "I know you do, but think of it this way. You've got two beautiful babies on the way. Don't you want to do whatever you can to ensure they're healthy?"

"Absolutely. That's why I'm here."

"Good. I'll stick the needle in and make sure it's good and secured to your arm. You should be able to move about like you normally do, just be extra careful. Trust me when I tell you that you do not want to bump into anything and have this needle bouncing around inside you."

Jess cringed. "Yeah, that sounds painful."

"It is." The doctor smiled reassuringly and carefully put the needle into Jess' arm. She grinned when she saw Jess squeeze Allen's hand tight. "Honey, this is nothing compared to what it's going to be like when you're pushing those babies out of you."

"I'm sure it's not," Jess said through clenched teeth, her eyes closed tight. "I just hate needles."

She patched up the needle and wrapped the tape tightly around Jess' arm. "Take care of it, and hopefully once you start gaining a decent amount of weight, we can take this thing out. They usually don't have to stay in during the entire pregnancy."

"That's good news," Allen chimed in. He smiled lovingly at Jess and gently squeezed her hand. "It's going to be fine, honey, just you wait. This is going to make sure our babies are healthy."

"That's what I keep telling myself," she said, groaning at the needle taped to her arm.

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Olivia dried off slowly and got dressed, making sure to put on a baseball cap to cover her head. As she made her way out into the living room, she sighed. Elliot was still there, and he had cleaned the room for her and Alex. He was sitting on her couch, waiting patiently for her to finish. "What are you still doing here?"

He looked up and smiled, glad that she was at least coming out of the bedroom and willing to talk to him. He patted the seat next to him and waited until she reluctantly sat down. "Alex called me from work this morning and told me she spent the night at Casey's. I wanted to come over here and make sure you were okay."

"I'm fine, Elliot."

"You don't look fine."

"Because I'm sick."

"That's not what I meant." He rolled his eyes and stared her in the eyes. "Come on, Liv, snap out of this! I know it can't be easy to have to fight this cancer but dammit you're not alone! Stop pushing all of us away. We love you and we want to help you, but if you keep this up, you will be alone."

Her eyes widened in shock as he screamed at her. She'd seen him angry several times in her life, but never like this, and never this angry at her. It almost scared her. Her face tensed as she tried to fight the tears, and she closed her eyes as he calmed down and placed his hand on her knee. "I'm so sorry," she whispered.

"It's okay, Liv," he said gently. "It's okay now. You don't have to keep playing the strong, perfect cop anymore. Let us help you. You're always going out of your way to help others. Now let us help you."

She looked up and shook her head. "I don't know how to let you help me. My whole life I've always had to depend on myself and no one else. How am I supposed to just unlearn nearly forty years of that?"

He smiled and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "By taking it day by day, one day at a time. I know you had a hard time growing up and there was nobody you could depend on but yourself, but that's not the case anymore. Now you've got more friends than most people I know. You've got so many people here who are willing to do anything and everything for you, if you'll just let us. You're so damn close to beating this, Liv. Just keep fighting a little bit more."

The tears were flowing down her cheeks more heavily now, and she no longer cared what Elliot thought. "How do I face Alex? I was so horrible to her last night."

"She knows it wasn't really you. It's going to be okay."

"How are you so sure?"

"Because I could hear it in her voice."

She smirked and looked up at him. "Her voice, huh?"

"Hey, I live with four women. I have to learn how to read you guys."

She shook her head and rolled her eyes, finally starting to feel a little bit better. "Thanks for coming over. I think I really needed someone other than Alex to yell at me."

"I'll come over here every single day and yell at you if that's what it takes. I want you back, Liv. This new partner is starting to get on my last nerve and I don't know how much longer I can handle her. I miss us. We work so well together."

"Dani really that bad?"

He laughed and shook his head. "She's worse. She's squirmy at every crime scene, she gets overly personal with all the perps, she locked up Munch's uncle, and she keeps yelling at Casey when Casey can't get the warrants because we can't give her enough information."

"She yelled at Casey?"

"Yeah. Screamed at her…said something like 'How could you just let him walk?' or something like that. The fact that the perp walked wasn't at all Casey's fault, but Dani was pissed and took it out on her."

"How'd Casey respond?"

She rolled her eyes and said, 'Because I suck,' really sarcastically."

"You guys really need me back in there."

"You bet we do."

She smiled and took a deep breath. "Do you think you could, uh, swing by Casey's on your way back to work? I think I need to do some serious apologizing to Alex…"

He nodded and pulled her to her feet. "Come on. I'll take you over now."

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	27. Please Forgive Me

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

You guys…your reviews are making me feel all warm and mushy inside and I've reached more than 200! I love you all :)

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"Casey, honey, wake up," Steve whispered as he gently shook her shoulders. He smiled as she groaned and pulled away from him. He leaned over so he could whisper into her ear and shook her again. "Honey, wake up."

"Mmmmm, Steve, go away," she moaned.

"Can't."

"Why not?"

"Alex is crying," he said softly.

She immediately bolted upright into a sitting position and threw the covers off. "What?" she screamed as she climbed out of bed. "How long has she been crying?"

"I don't know. I just heard her myself…figured I should wake you up and see if you could go talk to her. She's more likely to trust you than me and I think she needs someone right now."

Casey nodded and slipped on a robe and a pair of slippers. She could hear the muffled sobs coming from the next room, and she offered Steve a small smile and a quick kiss on the lips. "Thanks for waking me. I'll, uh, I'll be back…I don't know when."

He squeezed her hand and wrapped his arms around her. "Stay with her as long as she needs you to, Case."

She took a deep breath and slowly made her way out the door and down the hall. As she neared the guest room, Alex's cries became louder. She sighed. It was going to be a long night. She knocked softly on the door and very slowly opened it and stuck her head in. "Hey, can I come in?"

Alex quickly sniffled and tried to dry her tears. "I, um…yea if you want."

Casey smiled as she saw Alex trying to hide her tears. She slowly made her way over to the bed and sat down. While Alex's back was still to her, Casey could tell that she was trying her best not to cry. "Want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Okay. Want me to lie here with you for a while?"

Alex shrugged. "If you want."

"Okay," Casey said quietly as she laid down behind Alex. As she did so, she felt Alex very slowly and hesitantly begin to make her way towards her. She smiled and gently wrapped her arm around her. "It's going to be okay," she whispered several minutes later, as she felt Alex begin to shake in her arms. "I'm going to knock some sense into Olivia first thing in the morning."

Alex managed a small laugh as she wiped away a few tears. "Thanks for letting me stay here tonight. I really didn't want to sleep out on the couch." She shook her head and laughed. "We're not supposed to be sending each other to the couch until after we've been married for years and one of us is snoring too loudly."

Casey laughed and shook her head. "Good to see you've still got your sense of humor." She smiled as Alex finally rolled over to face her. "It's not you she's mad at. It's the situation. You know that, right?"

Alex nodded and sighed. "I know. It's still not easy to hear her say those things though."

"I imagine it's not. Hearing something like that, no matter what the situation, can't be easy." She offered Alex a small, sympathetic smile and sighed. "You did the right thing by coming over here, though, and I'm glad you felt this was a safe place to escape to."

She smiled gratefully. "Of course I felt it was safe. You're the reason for that…and what do you mean I did the right thing? I left her home alone and miserable. I feel terrible for that."

"Because you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of her," Casey urged. She could see Alex's face tensing up, ready to argue, and she held up her hand to keep her quiet. "You're not going to be of any help to her if you're overly exhausted. She's going through a lot right now, and I don't imagine it's easy knowing she's about to have a double mastectomy. Odds are, she's testing you to make sure you're really committed to the relationship –"

"Of course I'm committed to the relationship!"

"And she's probably not even realizing she's doing it."

Alex closed her eyes and took several deep, slow breaths. Casey was right. There was no way that Olivia meant the things she was saying right now, and there was certainly no way Olivia would intentionally say something to hurt her. "Are you sure it's okay that I'm staying here? I know you and Steve –"

"It's fine," Casey said sternly. "You are always welcome here, Alex. Always."

"Thanks."

Before Casey could answer, there was a hard, quick knock at the door. She furrowed her eyebrows and searched her mind for possible suspects. _Who the hell is knocking at my door at two o'clock in the morning?_ She looked over and met Alex's eyes.

"It's got to be her," Alex said, a slight panic in her voice.

_Of course. Who else would it be?_ She nodded and started to climb out of the bed when she felt Alex grab her arm and squeeze it hard. She turned back to look at her and saw the worry in Alex's eyes. "Alex, what's wrong?"

"Tell her I can't come home tonight! Please? I just need a night to myself. Just one night so I can rest and recuperate and I'll be back there tomorrow. Tell her I'll be back tomorrow!"

"I will."

"And I'm okay. If she needs you go with her. Please?"

Casey was slightly taken aback by the desperation in Alex's voice, but she did her best not to let it show. "I'll talk to her," she assured her. She gave Alex's hand a final squeeze before walking out of the room. It was painful to see how desperate Alex was that she let Olivia know she wouldn't be alone after tonight. As much as this entire situation was hurting Alex, she was still putting Olivia first. She wondered how a woman who had gone through all the hell Alex had gone through was still able to put others before herself, able to worry about everyone else's well being before she worried about her own. _Worry about yourself tonight,_ Casey silently urged. _Put yourself first for once in your life, Alex. You deserve it. You don't always have to take care of everyone else._

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"This thing is starting to hurt," Jess said, picking at the tape that held the needle in place. Her skin was starting to turn purple, and it hurt every time she touched it. It was starting to feel like one of the worst bruises she'd ever had. "Should it be hurting like this? Maybe I should go back in and have it looked at."

"Jess, for the millionth time, stop picking at it!" Allen yelled as he walked over to her and pulled her arm away. "That's probably why it hurts so much. Leave it alone for a few days. If the discoloration doesn't go away on its own, we'll go see the doctor."

She smiled playfully and pulled her arm out of his grasp. "Maybe we should clean it again. I don't want anything nasty getting in there and infecting me and my precious babies. That would be really bad."

He sat down on the couch and pulled her into his lap. While he knew she was playing and joking with him right now, he could also see the fear in her eyes. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. "You're going to be fine. The babies are going to be fine. Everything's going to be okay." He smiled as she turned to face him. As he brushed the hair out of her face, he locked eyes with her and rested his forehead against hers. "You're doing everything you can to make sure they're healthy. You're doing everything right, Jess. Don't worry."

"How do you always manage to see through my fake playfulness?"

"Because I know _you_. You're an easy read, my dear, and I'm happy for it."

She sighed and rested her head against his chest. "It's times like these that I'm happy you can read me so well. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world everyday I wake up next to you."

"Well I feel like the luckiest man in the world everyday that I wake up next to you." He smiled as he felt her laughing against his chest. He hugged her again and kissed the top of her head. "We must be the luckiest two people in the world."

She nodded. "We must be."

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As Casey walked out of the guest bedroom, she slowly and quietly closed the door, then turned around. Steve was standing right there, Casey's softball bat in his hand, as he waited for her to exit the room. She wasn't prepared for him to be right there, and the sight of him made her jump back. "Dammit, Steve!" she whispered as loudly as she could. "What the hell is the matter with you?"

"Sorry," he whispered apologetically. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"Why the hell are you carrying my softball bat?"

He gave her a dumbfounded look and pointed towards the door. "It's three in the morning. Who the hell is knocking at our door at three in the morning? You'd better be happy I'm carrying this bat with me!"

She rolled her eyes and snatched the bat out of his hands, throwing it down the hall before he could grab it from him. "It's Olivia!" she said before he could run down the hall to grab it. "Think about it. Alex showed up a few hours ago, completely distraught, saying that she and Olivia had a fight. It's only logical that Olivia would come by here after she's spent some time alone to think about things"

He hung his shoulders and nodded, finally realizing that the only person at the door right now had to be Olivia. He smiled as he followed her to the door. "Thanks for not letting me attack her with a baseball bat."

She looked up at him and, in all seriousness, said, "I swear if that woman keeps this up for much longer, I'm going to force you to attack her with a baseball bat."

"I heard that!" Olivia screamed from the other side of the door. She smiled weakly as Casey and Steve opened it and allowed her to step inside. "I don't think you guys'll have to attack me with any bats anytime soon."

Casey smiled as she saw Olivia's "new look" for the first time. "Good, because the last thing I want to do is to smack you upside the head with my softball bat. I've got a hell of a good swing and, knowing me, I'd knock you too hard and end up driving you to the hospital."

Olivia was glad Casey and Steve didn't make any comments about her head. Elliot had pulled her out of the house so quickly that she hadn't had time to grab a hat or anything to hide under. It was good to see that her appearance didn't seem to affect their attitude towards her. "Is she okay?"

Seeing that this was a conversation that was going to have to happen between the woman, Steve politely stepped back and smiled. "How about I put on a pot of water for you ladies so you can have some tea? I'll head back to bed. Call me if you need anything."

Olivia smiled gratefully. "Tea would be wonderful. Thanks, Steve."

He locked eyes with her and smiled lovingly. "You're welcome. I've got chamomile and mint. Which one would you prefer?"

"Oh, um, chamomile would be great."

"I'll pull some out. Good night ladies."

"Good night," they said in unison as he walked out to the kitchen.

Olivia sighed and sat down on the couch. She was starting to become more self conscious about being so exposed, but now wasn't the time to worry about being bald and looking like a cancer patient. She looked up and smiled as Casey took a seat next to her. "How much trouble am I in with her?"

"A lot," Casey answered truthfully, "But it's easily repairable."

"How easily?"

"First, you need to give her this night alone. She needs it to get some rest and just spend some time to herself so she can regain her strength. All this fighting that you're doing with her is wearing her out. She love you more than you can possibly imagine, but a person can only take so much."

"I know," Olivia said quietly. She looked down to her lap as she started crying. Even though she knew Casey was right, it still pained her to hear that Alex didn't want to be with her tonight. It made her worry that after spending one night without her, Alex would never want to come back. "Can I talk to her?"

"Not tonight."

"Casey –"

"Olivia, don't you dare fight me on this one because you'll lose. She's emotionally drained and she just needs one night to herself…one night where she's not worrying about taking care of anyone but herself. Can you understand that?"

"Yes, but I still want to talk to her!"

Casey rolled her eyes and grabbed Olivia's shoulders, shaking them as violently as she could without hurting her. "You will, _tomorrow_. Right now, let her be. She's going to come back to you, Liv. Don't worry. She's not leaving you."

Olivia felt her defenses breaking down as she leaned forward into Casey's open arms. "How can you be so sure? How can you be so sure she's coming home?"

"Because that's what she wanted me to make sure you understood before I let you leave tonight," Casey told her as she hugged her tight. _God, she's lost a lot of weight. I hope she's eating okay_. She gently rubbed Olivia's back and held her close. "She wanted me to make sure I told you that she'd be home tomorrow. She doesn't want you going home scared. It'll be okay, Liv. You'll see. She'll come home tomorrow."

"I'm so scared she won't."

"She will. She loves you and she wants to be with you. She's not leaving you. She just needs some time to process everything and build up her strength. Let her have this one night so she can come home and just hold you and tell you how much she loves you. That's what she desperately wants to do…she just doesn't have the strength right now to hold you up like she's been doing." Casey pulled out of the hug and met Olivia's eyes. "Fighting with her is not the answer, Liv, and it's killing her that you're doing it. Let her in. Let her help you through this. Your relationship will be a hell of a lot stronger afterwards."

Olivia managed a weak smile and nodded. "I feel so bad for doing this to her."

"You should."

"Gee, thanks."

"I'm serious. I'm not trying to be a bitch, but you should feel bad for fighting with her. She's been giving you everything she has and you've been fighting her every step of the way. She can't do it anymore, Liv. I'm surprised she's held up this long."

"So am I."

Casey smiled and stood up, pulling Olivia up with her. "Go home, Liv," she said softly. "Get some rest, think about what's been going on between you two, and be ready for her when she comes home tomorrow."

"Thanks, Case."

"Don't thank me. Just obey me."

Olivia rolled her eyes and made her way towards the door. "Take care of her tonight for me, would you?"

"I will. Good night, Liv."

"'Night, Casey."

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"It still hurts!" Jess said when she woke up that morning. She looked down at her arm and could have sworn that the purple area was growing right in front of her eyes. "I want to go in now and have it looked at."

Allen rolled over and smiled at her. "Does it really hurt that bad?"

"Yes! And the purple's getting bigger!"

He sighed and sat up so he could take a look at her arm. As soon as he did, his eyes widened slightly and he furrowed his eyebrows. She was right. The spot was growing. He pulled her out of bed and gently helped her out of her nightgown. "We might as well go in now before it gets any worse."

"I told you it was getting worse."

They drove to the hospital in silence, each allowing the other to get lost in thought. Both were worried about how sick this pregnancy was making Jess, but this new IV was definitely helping. She only threw up once the previous day, so that was good news. Still, the fact that they had to clean the IV, and the fact that she even needed one to begin with, scared them.

"Back again, I see?" The doctor said, smiling as she walked into the room. "I take it your IV's infected?"

"Yeah," Jess said solemnly.

"Don't worry. This happens a lot. I'll give you an antibiotic, clean it out, and you'll be out of here in no time. Just make sure you two keep this thing as clean as you possibly can. I don't want you in here next week with it infected again."

"Thanks, and don't worry. We'll be compulsive cleaners."

"That's what I like to hear," the doctor said as she left the room to get her supplies.

Allen smiled and sat down on the bed next to Jess. "See? What'd I tell you? Everything's okay."

Jess rubbed her eyes and sighed. "I know, and I hate that I keep getting so worked up about this. I think it's just the hormones and the fact that I'm a new mother and the fact that I just want this to be a normal pregnancy and the fact that –"

"Jess?"

"What?"

"Stop making excuses. It is what it is and there's nothing we can do to change it. All we can do is make sure we take every precaution we can and keep these babies healthy. So far, that's exactly what we're doing."

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It felt cold and lonely under the covers that night. The wind was howling loudly outside and the windows shook from the force. She tried to close her eyes, tried to fall asleep, but she couldn't. Knowing that it was her fault and her fault alone that she was sleeping by herself tonight was killing her. She had pushed Alex to leave. She had forced Alex to run to Casey's for help and emotional support. There was no way Alex was going to be able to keep fighting this much longer, and she was by no means at fault for that. She had stayed strong for so long and had nearly reached her breaking point. As she pulled the covers over her head, Olivia began to cry. She cried tears of guilt for the way she had been acting. _You've been nothing but all I could ever ask for,_ she said silently to the howling wind. _And I've been everything you haven't deserved. Please, if you can find it in your heart to do it one more time…forgive me._


	28. That is Good News

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

So the beginning of this chapter won't be all that happy (y'all should know by now that angst is my specialty) but it'll get better. I figure I've been putting my characters through hell lately and I'm starting to feel a little bad. They deserve some happiness. So I promise the ending of this chapter will be happy and that I'll try my best to make the following chapter as happy as possible…of course, I've got some plans for later, but let's just take it one thing at a time :)

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"_No! Stop! Please, stop!" He was inside her again, thrusting himself deeper and deeper as hard as he could. She could hear his sinister laughs of enjoyment. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to pull her arms and legs free from their binds. "It hurts! Please, stop! It hurts!"_

_He pulled out of her and smiled playfully. "We've only just begun my dear," he said, pulling out his knife. "I'm about to make you so ugly you'll wish you were never born."_

_She screamed in agony as the knife carved through her abdomen. One cut. Two cuts. Three cuts. It never seemed to end. She looked over towards the door and saw Olivia sanding in the doorway, a disgusted look on her face. She frowned and shook her head. "You're too ugly now," Olivia told her. "I can't love you anymore. Good bye, Alex." As Olivia turned and left, Alex's screams grew louder as she called for Olivia to come back, and as her attacker began extinguishing his cigarettes into her, she began to pray for him to kill her._

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Casey ran as quickly as she could down the hall and towards the bedroom. She opened the door and nearly screamed. Alex was naked, screaming and trying to thrash her arms and legs. It was as if she was so deep in her nightmare that her body was stuck in the same position it had been during the attack. She had kicked the covers off sometime earlier, leaving herself fully exposed. Casey rushed over to her side, hoping to pull her out of this nightmare. It was then that she really saw Alex's scars for the first time. The pictures she had seen during the trial didn't even come close to showing the hell that this woman had experienced. She quickly draped the blanket back over Alex, hoping that by no longer being so exposed, Alex would be able to wake up quicker.

"Honey, wake up," Casey urged. She shook Alex's shoulders, not too rough, but rough to awaken just about anybody. It didn't work. She knew she had to get Alex to wake up soon – this nightmare obviously made her feel like she was being raped again – and Casey wanted to put a stop to it as soon as possible. She shook Alex's shoulders again, more firmly this time. "Alex, open your eyes! Wake up!"

"No."

_No?_ Casey asked silently. _Are you awake?_ She shook her head and squeezed Alex's shoulders. "Yes. Wake up. It's okay. Open your eyes."

"It's a trick."

"It's not a trick," Casey assured her, wondering what Olivia did when Alex had a nightmare. She felt so helpless right now. "I promise it's not a trick. Just open your eyes."

"No, don't make me! Please don't make me!"

Casey could see that Alex was struggling in vain to move her arms and legs, but was so deep in this nightmare that she literally couldn't. Suddenly, Casey had an idea, and she prayed it would work. "See?" she said softly as she gently moved Alex's arms down to her sides and pulled them apart, surprised at how hard it was to actually do this. "You're not tied up, honey. You're safe."

Alex pulled her arms from Casey's grasp. "Let me go! Please, just let me go!"

"It's okay now, Alex," Casey urged, immediately releasing Alex's arms. Alex's please were becoming less and less terrified and more and more desperate. It looked like she was finally pulling out of this nightmare. "It's me, honey. It's Casey. It's just you and me in this room, Alex. Open your eyes. It's safe, I promise."

"I can't," Alex said, squeezing her eyes tighter.

Casey smiled. Alex was almost there. "Yes you can," she encouraged her. "You're almost there, sweetie. You can do it. Just open your eyes. I'm right here, it's okay."

Opening her eyes should have been easy, but at the moment, it seemed like the hardest thing imaginable. She was pretty sure it really was Casey's voice that she was hearing, and the only way to be sure was to open her eyes. Of course, opening her eyes could also prove to her that she really was strapped to the bed again, and that Olivia really had left her. Still, Casey was repeating over and over again that she was safe. Casey's voice sounded so real and close. She took a deep breath. It was worth a try. She opened her eyes very slowly until she saw enough of her surroundings to confirm where she was. Then she opened them all the way. There, sitting in front of her on the bed, tears pouring down her face, was Casey, a look of painful worry on her face.

"Alex?" Casey asked hesitantly.

Alex felt relief wash over her, but she didn't want to get her hopes up. Barely able to breathe, she looked up almost pleadingly. "Casey?"

Casey wiped away her tears and smiled with relief. "Yeah, honey. It's me."

Seeing Casey sitting there, and hearing her confirm that what she was seeing was real was enough to convince Alex that she wasn't being tortured again. She sat up and threw her arms around Casey and clung to her as if her life depended on it. She needed to feel something, hold something real, to keep herself believing that she was really safe.

"It's okay now," Casey said, pulling Alex closer. She couldn't remember ever feeling more relieved than she did at this moment. "You're safe," she said again, knowing that, even though Alex was now aware of her surroundings, she still probably needed to hear those words at least once more.

"It felt so real!" Alex sobbed. "It felt like I was really back there again!"

Casey gently rubbed Alex's back. "I know," she said softly. "I know it felt real, but I want you to know something." She pulled out of the hug and brought Alex's hands to her face. As soon as their eyes met, Casey smiled. "You're not back there. You're safe, and you're loved, and he will never hurt you again."

Through her tears, Alex was able to manage a weak smile. She was still shaking a little – an after effect of the nightmare that she was becoming all too familiar with – but at least she was safe. "Thank you," she said softly.

Casey smiled proudly and gently squeezed Alex's hands. "What do you say we get you cleaned up and then I'll take you home? I have a feeling seeing Olivia right now would do you some good."

Alex furrowed her eyebrows. "Cleaned up?" she asked. She looked down and saw it. The sheets under her were soaked with urine. Her eyes widened in horror and embarrassment as she looked back up, but before she could say anything, Casey stopped her.

"Don't worry about it."

"Casey, I –"

"It's okay," Casey assured her. "Don't worry about it."

"After he raped me and started cutting me…I – I wet myself. The pain, and the things he was saying to me…it was just…it was – it was too much and I…I wet myself. I guess I relived that part in the nightmare, too." She looked away as a few tears fell down her cheeks.

Casey was blown away by Alex's confession. The fact that she was able to share something so personal, especially after having just awoken from a terrifying nightmare, was proof of her strength. It was incredible to witness, and Casey was glad that Alex was comfortable enough to share this detail with her. It proved how strong their friendship really was. "Come on," she encouraged softly, wrapping the blanket tighter around Alex and slowly helping her to her feet. "I'll get you set up in the bathroom and then I'll change those sheets. Then I'll take you home."

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The house was absolutely spotless. She had tried in vain to fall asleep after coming home to an empty house. After deciding that sleep wasn't going to come, she gave up and started cleaning. Now, after getting off the phone with Casey, who simply said that Alex was ready to come home, she was glad she had cleaned everything. Alex didn't deserve to come home to a dirty house.

She was just putting the last of the dishes into the dishwasher when the doorbell rang. _Why are you ringing the bell? You live here, too._ She quickly dried off her hands and answered the door, surprised to see Casey standing on the other side. She looked over Casey's shoulder and saw Alex standing about twenty feet away.

"She had a nightmare," Casey told her softly. "It was really bad and she didn't really want to talk about it too much. I figured she'd rather fall back asleep here than at my place."

Olivia shook her head and furrowed her eyebrows. "Why is she standing so far away like that? Why isn't she coming over here? What's wrong?"

Casey sighed and briefly looked back towards Alex. "I think she's hiding part of the nightmare," she told Olivia softly. "She told me she relived everything that happened, but I think there's something she didn't tell me. That plus since she left, I think she's afraid you won't –"

Olivia immediately pushed past Casey and ran towards Alex, throwing her arms around her and squeezing her tight. "I love you," she said through her tears. "I'm so sorry, Alex. I'm so sorry I wasn't there."

"I'm the one that left," Alex said, resting her head on Olivia's shoulder.

"Because I forced you. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I wasn't there, baby."

Alex wiped her eyes, but the tears kept coming. "I don't like fighting with you, Liv," she said sadly. "I Promise I'm just trying to help. I'm not trying to walk all over you or anything. If I'm doing something wrong, please just tell me and I'll –"

"You're not doing anything wrong," Olivia assured her as she pulled out of the hug and looked Alex in the eyes. "I'm the one who's been doing wrong. I deserve a good kick in the ass for treating you this way. I'm so sorry."

"I love you, Olivia. I don't want to fight anymore."

Olivia smiled and held out her hand, waiting for Alex to take it. "I am going to do my best to accept all your help and stop fighting you. I miss us. I want us again."

"Me, too."

"What do you say we go inside and have a good, honest talk?"

"I think that sounds like a wonderful idea."

They turned around and walked towards the house. Olivia offered Casey a quick, thankful smile, and went inside, allowing Alex to thank her in private.

Alex smiled as she approached Casey. She still felt a little embarrassed by what had happened, especially wetting the bed, but Casey didn't seem to be looking at her any differently than she normally did. That was a relief. She forced a small, yet grateful smile and gave Casey a warm hug. "I wouldn't have made it through the night without you, Case. Thank you."

Casey smiled and gently hugged Alex. "Anytime, sweetie. You let me lean on you after my parents died. Now it's my turn to let you lean on me. It's what friends do."

Alex smiled and pulled out of the hug. "I know, and thanks."

"You're welcome, and you're more than welcome to come crash at my place anytime. Take today off, take tomorrow off, and if you need to, take more time off. Come back in refreshed and ready to nail Warren and Beth." She smiled proudly at Alex and gave her a gentle pat on the back. "Now go in there and talk some sense to that woman!"

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"I look fat," Jess said as she and Allen pushed the shopping cart down the cookie aisle. "I swear I've probably gained ten pounds this week alone. Look at me!" she exclaimed pointing towards her stomach and smiling.

Allen laughed and pulled a box of chocolate chip cookies off the shelf. "It's good that you're gaining weight. I want you to get absolutely huge."

Jess smirked and rubbed her stomach. "You like me fat, do you?"

Allen wrapped his arm around her and pulled a few more items off the shelf. "Right now, I like you as plump as you can possibly be. After these two precious beauties are born, I'll like you no matter what."

"Even if it takes a while to get the weight off?"

He looked down and smiled warmly. She was excited about gaining weight, that much he could tell, but she also seemed a little nervous about being unattractive. It made him a little nervous that she was this worried, but he was sure she wasn't going to let it get to her too much. "I will always love you. I want you focusing on those babies right now."

She leaned her head against his chest and sighed happily. "Seeing as how I haven't thrown up since yesterday morning, I think you're going to get one fat wife."

"Well as long as she's doing everything she can to give me two beautiful babies, she's going to be the most amazing, wonderful…and sexy wife in the world."

"It feels so great to be up and out of the house for a change," she told him as they headed towards the check-out aisle. "I feel like I've been cooped up inside that house for so long. Now that I'm starting to feel better, I just want to spend as much time as possible outside that damn house."

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Olivia was sitting on the couch in the living room while Alex paced back and forth. Neither knew what to say to the other. Alex, while she was still feeling the effects from the nightmare, couldn't keep the anger from rising inside her. Olivia looked so miserable on the couch, and Alex hated to kick her when she was already down, but something had to be done.

"Alex, I –" Olivia started, but was quickly interrupted.

"Don't," Alex said angrily, crossing her arms across her chest. "I need to say a few things and I would really appreciate it if I could just say them without you saying anything to try to stop me."

Olivia nodded and wiped away a tear. She swallowed and tried to brace herself for the words that were about to come out of Alex's mouth. It wasn't going to be easy to hear, but Alex needed to get them out. _Besides, I deserve to be yelled at._

Alex continued to pace back and forth. She hated this – hated fighting – but it looked like it was necessary now. She took a deep breath and started talking. "I'm not going to fight with you anymore. I'm sick and tired of fighting with you. I am trying my best to be kind and patient because I know this can't be easy for you. I'm trying to hold you when you need to be held, love you when you need to be loved, and give you your space when you need it; and you are fighting me every single step of the way. I can't do it anymore, Olivia! I will never stop loving you, but I can't keep doing this. I don't have it in me. If you don't stop fighting me soon, I'm leaving."

Olivia heard every single one of Alex's words, and they cut through her like a knife. She bowed her head and began to cry. There was nothing she could do or say that would erase all the hurt she had caused Alex these last few weeks. That was why it was so surprising when she felt Alex sit down next to her and pull her close. This, of course, only made her cry even harder, and she felt an odd sense of relief when she realized that Alex was crying as well.

"Talk to me, baby," Alex encouraged through her tears. "Don't push me away. I want to help you fight this and go back to the way things were. I miss us, Liv."

"We can't go back to the way things were."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not going to have breasts when this is over!" she screamed.

"So? Olivia you are so much more than your breasts! You're smart, you're fun, you're beautiful –"

"Ha!" Olivia scoffed angrily. "Do you have any idea what a double mastectomy looks like – the scars it leaves once the doctors are done? I did the research, Alex. I saw all the pictures women have posted online. I know what I'm about to look like. I'll be so ugly there's no way anybody could ever love me."

As soon as the words left Olivia's mouth, Alex stood up and walked to the center of the living room. She bit her lower lip angrily, trying to keep her mouth shut so she didn't say anything she would later regret. Taking a deep, slow breath, she began undressing, until she was standing in only her bra and underwear. "Tell me I'm ugly."

"What?"

"I've got scars covering most of my body. They're big, and they're impossible to miss. Tell me how ugly I am."

Olivia was so upset she started shaking. She brought her hands to her mouth and violently shook her head. "No…baby, no! You're not ugly! You're not ugly. You're so incredibly beautiful!"

"You see me as beautiful?" she said angrily. It wasn't really a question, but rather more of a demand. She knew how Olivia felt about her, but she wanted Olivia to realize that she was going to feel the same way once Olivia had her mastectomy.

"Of course I see you as beautiful!"

Alex pulled her sweater back on and smiled warmly, locking eyes with Olivia and refusing to look away. "Then why can't you see yourself as the same beautiful that I see?"

It was then that Olivia understood the message Alex was trying to convey. She hesitated, trying desperately to look anywhere other than at the woman who was staring right at her, demanding a response. "I, um…I just…"

"What?" Alex asked, her voice growing gentler.

Olivia swallowed and looked up. "I was researching online what I was going to look like and I got scared. I don't want you to feel like you have to love me. I love you so much, and I know how scared you were that nobody would love you. I don't want you to feel like you owe me something."

Alex smiled and shook her head, ignoring the tears that were falling down her face. She walked back over to the couch and sat down. She wrapped her arm around Olivia's shoulder and leaned her head against hers. "I love you," she said firmly. "I. Love. You. Nothing is going to change how I feel. Yes, I will be eternally grateful for you loving me and being able to see _me_ instead of just what happened to me, and yes, I love you for that. But Liv, I also love you for a million other reasons. I love you because you're funny. I love you because you're one hell of a tough cop during the day, but you're a sweet, sensitive woman when you come home to me at night. I love you because you make me happy every single time I look into your eyes. I love you because you complete me. I love you because you make my life worth living. I love you, Olivia. I love _you_. Please, baby, please believe me."

Olivia fell into Alex's open arms and began crying so hard she could barely breathe. Alex's words were exactly what she needed to hear. Yes, she had been hearing them since they really became a serious couple, and she heard them more often once she was diagnosed with breast cancer, but hearing them tonight, with Alex's voice so full of love and compassion, was exactly what she needed. It was a confidence booster like no other. She felt like she was finally ready to face the cancer and do whatever it took to beat it. Now, with Alex by her side like she had been all along, she was ready. She took several deep breaths and sat up, stroking Alex's face as she looked into her eyes. "I think maybe I should go visit the doctor tomorrow…make that appointment."

Alex felt relief wash over her and she couldn't help but cry tears of joy as Olivia spoke those words. "You're going to beat this, Liv, and I'm going to be right by your side every step of the way."

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"I called the doctor while you were in the shower," Jess told Allen as he climbed into bed next to her and pulled the sheets over the two of them. "We had a nice little chat. I have a wee bit of good news that I think you'll enjoy hearing."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yep."

"And what did the two of you talk about?"

Jess smiled and looked down at her arm. "This stupid IV in my arm."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

He laughed and rolled his eyes. She was playing with him again. This was becoming one of her new favorite games. _Bring on the foreplay_, he thought excitedly. "And what did she have to say about the IV?"

She smiled playfully and looked up towards the ceiling. "She said that since I've actually gained twelve pounds this week – I weighed myself on the scale under the bed – that I can come in tomorrow and have this thing removed. She told me that she'd give me some anti – nausea medication that I could take as needed, but that she felt I didn't need to be on this thing anymore."

"Wow," he said happily, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her on top of him. He brushed the hair out of her face, smiled as he looked into her eyes, and kissed her lovingly. "That is good news."

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See? The ending was pretty happy. A promise is a promise after all, and the next chapter should at least be mostly happy. These poor characters deserve a little break…


	29. Painting and Wigs

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

Okay, as promised, here's a happy chapter. Just know that it won't last long. I really just wanted to give these poor characters a break before putting them through hell again…

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"Steve?"

He looked up and furrowed his eyebrows as he saw Casey standing in the doorway, the phone in her hand and a look of absolute bewilderment on her face. "What's up? You okay?"

She took a deep breath and nodded slightly. "Do you remember how I told you that I had a friend over in family court?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I just got off the phone with him…" she said, her voice trailing off as she did so.

"What did he say?" he asked. She was obviously at a complete loss for words. Whatever this was, it was big. He'd never seen her like this before, and he wasn't sure whether to be worried or excited.

She sighed. "The Stevens can't take care of her anymore…they said she was crying at night too much and keeping the other kids awake. Her nightmares are more than they were prepared to deal with, and she's acting out a lot." She shook her head and started pacing back and forth. "They put her into this group home. She's sharing a room with five other kids." She looked up at Steve with hopeful eyes. "My friend told me that if our references check out – and they will since we've got such great friends – that we could have Julia in about a week, maybe two."

He stared wide-eyed at her as she spoke. "Wow," was all he could manage to say while he tried to imagine a twelve – year – old girl living them in as little as a week. He was excited to bring Julia into their home, but they weren't even close to being ready.

"I know it's quick –"

"A week?"

"Maybe two. They're moving her again after a week though. That's as this group home will hold her. She'll just move to another group home and stay there for a week, then be moved again. It'll keep happening until they find someone willing to take her. I want her to move here. She doesn't deserve to get shoved around like that."

His jaw nearly dropped to the floor as he listened to what she was telling him. "They're moving her after only a week? That can't be legal! How is she supposed to deal with everything if she keeps getting moved around?"

Casey sat down on the bed and sighed. "She's not. That's why so many foster kids have so many problems – they never get the opportunity to form long, trusting relationships." She paused and nervously played with her hands in her lap.

"Let's sign those papers," Steve said after several minutes.

She looked up hopefully. "Really? It's okay that it's this soon?"

"It _is_ soon," he said firmly. "But I don't want her to have to move more times than she has to. The next time she moves, I want her to move in with us."

Casey felt the tears of joy running down her cheeks as she wrapped her arms around him. She didn't know what to say. The fact that he was willing to adopt Julia so quickly, especially knowing the young girl was going to have a lot of issues she was going to have to deal with, was incredible. It wasn't going to be an easy transition, but it would be well worth it.

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Allen hung up the phone and shook his head happily. He walked out of the bedroom and into the living room where Jess was working on her first project in nearly two months. She'd been on hiatus ever since she'd started getting sick everyday. Now that the IV had been out of her arm for a week, and she was still feeling better, she had decided to go back to work. He walked up behind her and gently massaged her shoulders.

She smiled and stopped typing when she felt him massaging her shoulders. They were sore from using the computer after having taken such a long break. "Who was that on the phone?"

"Casey."

"Yeah? What's she up to these days?" She spun her chair around so she could face him, and placed her hand protectively over her stomach. It was becoming a habit now, and most of the time, she wasn't even aware she was doing it. "It's been nearly a week since I've talked to her. I probably should have called or something."

"She's doing well," Allen said quickly, hoping to stop her from going off on one of her random tangents. She had been doing that a lot lately, and while he always enjoyed listening to them, now wasn't really the time. "She and Steve are all set to have Julia move in with them. all of their references checked out and –"

"They got mine?" she sighed with relief when he nodded. "Good. I sent it in late. Plus, I wasn't feeling well when I wrote it. My craving for tuna and bananas was getting pretty strong and –"

"Jess?"

"What?"

He smiled and shook his head. "She was wondering if you wanted to go over there and help decorate Julia's room. Alex and Olivia are coming over, too. She wants Steve and I to help with moving some of the furniture she just bought. Alex will help with that, too, if we need her to. You and Olivia can tell us what to put things, help with painting, stuff like that. Neither of you are to do any heavy lifting. Understand?"

"Yes, sir!" she said, saluting him with a smile. She laughed as he rolled his eyes and shook his head. After giving him a playful slap on the chest, she turned and walked towards the bedroom.

"Where are you going? The door's in the other direction."

"I was going to change into something a little more comfortable to paint in."

"Mind if I join you?" he asked slyly.

She held up a finger and shook it at him. "Only if you promise to behave yourself. No quickies in the bedroom today." She turned back around and made her way into the bedroom. "Did Casey say when Julia was moving in?"

"Nine days."

"Wow. That's soon." She quickly took off her sweatpants and pulled on a pair of old, raggy jeans she's recently bought at Goodwill. For all the money that she had, she hated spending it on items she wasn't ever going to wear again after the babies were born. "These are a little tight," she said, pulling up the zipper. "They were loose when I bought them last wek!"

He smiled and wrapped his arms around her, placing his hands over her stomach. "Now that's what I like to hear. Keep gaining that weight, honey. These two are going to be the healthiest set of twins ever born in the state of New York."

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"Holy cow!" Casey exclaimed excitedly as she opened the door and saw Jess and Allen standing on the other side. "You've gotten absolutely huge!" she said as she stepped aside and let them in. She couldn't believe her eyes. The normally thin Jess was now definitely beginning to show signs of a very healthy pregnancy.

Jess beamed proudly. Being called fat was finally starting to sound like a compliment rather than a put down, and she was enjoying every minute of it. "I'm almost six months pregnant, Case. I'm supposed to be fat."

Casey pulled her into a warm hug and smiled. "You look good, kid. I've missed you lately."

Jess smiled as she pulled out of the hug. "I know. I'm so incredibly terrible at keeping in touch with people. With me being so sick and now working again and –"

"Jess?" Casey interrupted quickly.

"Yeah?"

"Alex and Olivia are in the guest bedroom. Upstairs and to your left."

"Thanks," she said, quickly sprinting up the stairs.

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Casey had told her on the phone that Olivia had shaved off all her hair, so she was prepared to see a bald Olivia as she entered the room. What she wasn't prepared to see, however, was how thin and frail Olivia looked. It broke her heart to see a woman whom she had always viewed as strong and powerful look so weak and breakable. She entered the room and smiled at the two women painting the wall.

"Jess!" Alex screamed, dropping her paintbrush into the roller pan and running over to Jess, throwing her arms around her and nearly taking her to the floor. "You're getting so fat! And it's been way too long since we've seen each other. You're feeling better, I take it?"

Jess smiled and wrapped her arms around Alex. It _had_ been too long she'd seen any of her friends, and she was glad to have the opportunity to spend some time with them. "It's been far too long. With my being sick and…everything else that's been going on…" her voice trailed off nervously. She didn't want to blame Olivia for their lack of get-togethers, even though her ill health had a lot to do with it. A lot of it, however, had to do with Olivia's stubbornness. Jess was glad to see Olivia here, though. It meant she was dealing.

"Yeah, that's pretty much my fault entirely," Olivia said softly. It had taken her the entire time since Jess had walked in just to get up and walk over to her, but once she felt Jess's arms wrap gently around her, she was glad she had exerted the effort. She returned Jess' hug, glad that the girl hadn't acted any differently upon seeing her "new look."

"Take out the 'pretty much' part and you hit the nail on the head," Jess joked as she gave Olivia a final squeeze. "Just know that if you ever do something to hurt Alex again, Casey and I will have no problem coming over to your house and kicking your ass." Her words were said jokingly, but she knew that Olivia knew she was serious.

"And Casey will bring her softball bat for herself and Steve's baseball bat for you to use," Olivia said, finishing Jess' thought. She smiled gratefully. "I know, and thank you."

Jess smiled and looked at the room. All the furniture had been moved to the center of the room and drop cloths had been put out on the floor. Alex had finished painting one wall in a slightly off white color while Olivia had started painting the bottom trim in a deep purple. She had very little energy at the moment, so she was forced to sit on the ground. The bottom trim was all she could reach.

"Casey told us it's Julia's favorite color," Olivia said as she slowly and painfully sat back down on the floor. She tried to hide her pained expression well, but she was pretty sure both Alex and Jess caught at least a glimpse of it.

"Need any help?" Jess asked.

"Please!" Alex begged. "Casey's still making up a shopping list for you and I, so for right now, it's just the three of us painting this room. I want to finish it as soon as possible so the paint can dry and we can get the furniture moved back to the appropriate places."

Jess furrowed her eyebrows. "Us? She's not shopping?"

Olivia looked up and smiled softly. "She wants to talk to me for a little while. Given my job and my…past…she figures I'm the best person to talk to about what she should expect when Julia gets here."

Jess' eyes widened in excitement. "Oh, wow, Liv! That's so awesome of you."

"She hand Steve are going to have one hell of a tough transition ahead of them," she said sadly. "Julia's going to be difficult and rebellious, but she'll likely fall in love with Casey and Steve very quickly. They're tough people, Julia's a good kid, and Casey is completely in love with her. I just figured I should do whatever I could to make the transition easier."

Alex smiled and looked over her shoulder at Jess, who was still standing just inside the doorway, smiling at the two of them. "Damn, child, pick up a paintbrush already! This room isn't going to paint itself!"

Jess rolled her eyes and walked over. While no words were uttered, all eyes met and a single, unspoken agreement was made. She picked up a paintbrush and dipped it into the purple paint. She would paint all the trim that Olivia wasn't able to reach while sitting on the floor.

Several minutes later, as Alex was painting the wall above Olivia's head, Olivia screamed out. "Watch where you're painting, woman! My bald head's white enough as it is. I don't need you drawing attention to it!"

Alex smiled as she saw Olivia laughing. She dipped her paintbrush back into the roller pan and ran it slowly over the top of Olivia's head. She grinned provokingly and backed slowly away. "What are you going to do about that, Detective?"

Ready to hash this out, Olivia stuck her paintbrush in the purple paint and flung it towards Alex. Alex, who was ready for Olivia's reaction, ducked, allowing the flying paint to strike Jess right in the chest. Her eyes widened and she dipped her brush in the roller pan she was sharing with Alex, and flung paint in Olivia's direction.

Before anyone was aware of it, they were all dipping their brushes in the pans and painting each other. None of them escaped the brushes, and within minutes they were all completely covered in purple and white paint. Somehow, they managed to keep it all off the walls and furniture, primarily because they were aiming for each other.

"What the hell is going on in here?" Casey asked as she walked into the room and saw three paint – covered women. "Did you manage to get any paint on these walls? You are so buying the extra paint we're going to need to finish this room!"

Jess laughed and wiped some paint off her face. "You know you want in on this. Admit it."

Casey backed away fearfully, though she had a slight smile on her face. "Absolutely not," she said hesitantly, finally happy when she reached the doorframe. "I think I'm going to roll out the drop cloths in a line to the bathroom so you can all get cleaned up…one at a time, of course," she said jokingly. "Then Alex, you and Jess can go get everything I need."

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"So, what's on the list?" Jess asked as she eagerly climbed into the passenger's seat of Alex's car. The three of them had all taken turns in the shower, promising Casey compensation for the paint and hot water they used, and had changed into some of Casey's sweats. Jess and Alex were heading to Alex's, since it was more on the way to the store than Jess', to change into more normal clothing before venturing out for what they needed.

Alex smiled and took a nervous deep breath. She kept her eyes completely focused on the road, not even taking a quick glance at Jess. "Well, um…we need to pick up some curtains, bed sheets, a computer desk, and a TV stand. Casey already has the canopy bed and dresser. She's planning on taking Julia shopping herself."

"What kind of bed sheets and curtains are we getting?"

"Something fun, but not too childish, and they have to match the purple trim." She smiled and shook her head. "She told me to save the receipts so she could pay me back, but I'm not letting her do that, especially after we used all her paint and hot water. She's taking a few days – maybe even a few weeks – to help Julia adjust. The money coming into that house will easily be enough to support them, but with everything Casey wants to do for her, it's going to be a little difficult."

Jess smiled slyly and cocked her head. "You'll let me pay for some, too, right? I hate sitting on all this money. I only spend it on important stuff, and this seems pretty damn important."

Alex laughed and rolled her eyes. "You can buy the lovely bed sheets and the TV stand. I'll buy the computer desk and curtains. That should come out to a pretty even split."

As Alex pulled into her driveway and parked the car, Jess looked over at her, slightly confused. The woman looked nervous as hell. "Okay, Alex, spill."

Alex snapped out of her trance and quickly shook her head. "What?"

"Don't act all confused. You know what. You've been acting nervous and scared ever since we left Casey's. Something's definitely got you worried. What's wrong?"

"I'm not nervous," Alex lied, her voice shaky and her hands still on the steering wheel. She didn't take her eyes off the windshield in front of her. "Really. I'm not nervous."

"Then why haven't you even looked at me since we got into this car? Why haven't you gotten _out_ of this car now that we're parked in your driveway? We've parked. We've turned the car off. Now's the time we usually get out of the car."

Alex sighed and dropped her hands into her lap. She smiled and looked over at her niece, who was looking at her with those famous loving eyes she always had. "I hate that you can read me so well."

"You're an easy read. Spill."

"You never give up, do you?"

"Not when I can tell something's worrying you." She reached over and gently covered Alex's hand with her own. "Now, spill. What's eating you, Alex?"

Alex shook her head and laughed. Jess was always able to provide a fresh air at exactly the right time. It was something she would be forever grateful for. She took a deep breath before turning back towards Jess. "I was planning on stopping at a wig shop after we're done shopping for Julia."

Jess smiled. "You're getting her a wig?"

Alex hesitated momentarily, but quickly recovered as Jess' hand squeezed around hers. "And…well I think…I want to show her…" she took a deep breath and bit her lower lip. "I think I want to shave off all my hair and get a wig, too."

Jess raised her eyebrows in surprise and grinned excitedly. "I swear, Alex, you get more and more incredible every day." She shook her head and climbed out of the car. "That woman is in for one hell of a shock."

"Do you think she'll like it?" Alex asked as she locked the car.

Jess wrapped her arm around Alex and began walking towards the house. "Nothing says 'I love you' like shaving off all your hair," she joked. She was glad when she felt Alex chuckle with her. "Seriously though, this is going to mean a lot to her. It's really going to show her how much you care." She looked up and smiled. "She's lucky to have you, Alex. You're always talking about how lucky you are to have her. Don't you dare forget that she's lucky to have you, too."

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How was that for a happy chapter? Don't get too excited. There's still plenty of angst to come…

Okay, I was really hoping to have Olivia go back to work at the same time that she came back to the show, but that's not going to happen. Seeing as how she's coming back next week (who else is pissing their pants with excitement?), there's just no way I can get everything I want in by then. Apologies, but it's not possible. She'll get back to work though, I promise…I'm not that mean :)


	30. Eight Days

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

OLIVIA'S BACK!!!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!!!! I WANT IT TO BE NEXT WEEK RIGHT NOW!!!

Who else wasn't happy about Dani and Elliot in the previews??? Granted I'm an AO shipper at heart, but damnit I don't like Dani. She and Elliot should _not_ be kissing at all…ever!

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"To be honest with you, Liv, I'm terrified," Casey said once she and Olivia were alone. She nervously wrapped her hands around her cup of tea and sat down next to Olivia on the couch. She swallowed a few times, her mind overflowing with thoughts and emotions, and no real clue as to how to express what she was feeling. "I really want to do this. I love that girl so much, and we always have an amazing time bowling on Friday nights." She smiled weakly and looked down to her lap. "I'm just afraid I'll mess up. I'm scared I'll just end up hurting her more than she's already been hurt."

Olivia gently put her cup down on the coffee table and placed her hand on Casey's thigh. She smiled warmly and nodded understandingly. _Leave it to Casey to keep putting herself down even when she's about to do something amazing._ She looked up and met Casey's eyes. "You have every right to be scared, but I don't want you to be afraid of hurting her. Will you mess up and make mistakes? Of course you will."

"Gee, thanks."

Olivia smiled. "Every parent makes mistakes, Casey. Nobody's perfect. Odds are, the two of you will have arguments and you'll both say things you don't really mean. In that way, yes, you'll probably hurt her, but that's how it is with kids. They fight with their parents and they get hurt, but that's normal. What's important though, is that once she's with you, you need to help her understand that she's never again going to experience the hurt that's in her past. She needs to learn to trust people again…needs to learn that stability exists in the real world."

Casey sighed and nodded understandingly. "What should I expect?"

"More than likely, she'll be nervous around men. That's how it is with most rape and abuse victims, and, given her past, she's not going to be any different. Make sure Steve understands that he needs to move extremely slowly and be very patient with her. Judging by what I've seen of her, she'll warm up to him. It'll just take a little time." She sighed and continued. "Odds are, she'll act out…a lot. She's going to test you until you think you can't take any more, and then she's going to test you again. She needs to see that you're not going to give up and put her in another home." Olivia took a deep breath and held it for several seconds before letting it out. "You're going to have to set boundaries. Don't bee too hard on her, but let her know which behaviors will and will not be tolerated. Most importantly though, just…love her."

"I already love her."

Olivia smiled happily and nodded. "I know you do. Judging from that smile I saw on her face the other night when I watched you two bowl, she knows that, too. It'll just take some time for her to adjust and everything. Don't be surprised if she really changes her behavior and starts acting out. Just be patient. She'll understand soon."

Casey nodded and took a sip of tea. "I hope I can give her what she needs. There's so much hurt in her past, and I hate that she's gone through all of it. I want to let her see the good in life, too."

"You will. You're going to give that girl something she's been dreaming of for most of her life. You're going to give her a home, one where she's safe and loved."

"I haven't told her yet."

Olivia raised her eyebrows in surprise. "She's moving in with you in eight days. Are you planning on telling her any time soon, or are you just going to make it a surprise?" She grimaced and tilted her head. "Oh God, please tell me you're not going to just surprise her. She needs to be prepared."

"We're bowling tomorrow night. I'm going to tell her then."

"Good," Olivia said, breathing a sigh of relief. A few minutes passed and they sat there in silence. Olivia was ecstatic about how her life was going at the moment, and how happy all of the lives of her friends were going, too.

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"I can't believe I'm actually doing this," Alex said nervously as she sat down in the chair and flipped her hair out of the back of her shirt. She was glad Jess was sitting next to her. She took several deep breaths and nodded at the hairdresser. "Do it," she said firmly. "Just do it and get it over with."

Jess shook her head and reached over and gave Alex's hand a gentle squeeze. "I am so buying you a bright pink wig when we're through here. Either that or something rainbowy…either way, we're dressing you up to surprise Olivia. We'll give you a feathery boa, deck you out in a crazy evening gown, and put a huge, bright pink wig on your head!"

Alex laughed and squeezed her eyes tight as the first bit of hair was cut. _I'm doing this for Liv. I'm doing this for Liv,_ she kept telling herself. A small smile appeared on her face as she opened her eyes. "This is oddly exciting actually," she said as she watched more of her hair fall to the floor. "It feels good that I'm donating it, too. At least I'm helping Liv and donating this hair to kids who need it more than I do.

"I can tell you that it's pretty neat from where I'm sitting, too, and that there's a little girl out there who is going to be incredibly lucky when she puts on her blonde wig." Jess said. "I'm excited for both of you just sitting here watching this." She shifted a little in her seat and smiled. "I can't believe you're about to be bald!"

"I'm so nervous."

Jess laughed. "We're going wig shopping after this, and I think I'm going to buy you a whole bunch of them…a different look for everyday. You'll have purple wigs, pink wigs, afro wigs, long wigs, short wigs –"

"Professional wigs so I can keep my job."

"Yeah those, too." Jess said absentmindedly. She was focusing on all the different costumes they could create with the new wigs. "This is going to be like Halloween only so much more fun!"

Alex laughed and squeezed Jess' hand. "Just make sure you don't go too crazy with the wigs. We're going to need some practical ones that we can use, too…and more than one practical one. I don't want to be dependant on one wig."

"Relax. We'll get you enough wigs to last you a lifetime." She paused and smiled. "You're an amazing woman for doing this, Alex," she said encouragingly as the last of Alex's hair fell to the ground. "She's going to be blown away by this. Did you even give her any hints about it?"

"Nope," Alex said, bringing her hands up to her head and rubbing it in disbelief. "I can't believe I'm bald now…this feels so weird." She shook her head and climbed out of the chair. "Thanks for coming with me, Jess. This definitely would have been a lot harder doing it alone."

Jess wrapped her arm around Alex and smiled as Alex paid the hairdresser. "I'm glad I could come," she said as they walked out to the car. "Besides, I definitely want to help you pick out some wigs. We're totally going to go crazy with this."

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"Hey, Liv!" Alex called as she slowly made her way into Casey's house, Jess following close behind her. "Could you come out here for a minute? We need some help with these bags."

Olivia walked out into the living room and froze. There was Alex, several bags in her arms and a large, curly, purple wig on her head. She had a bright, feathery, pink boa wrapped around her shoulders and a peacock hat on top of her wig. Olivia looked over and noticed that Jess, too, had a ridiculous yellow afro wig on and a blue boa around her shoulders. "Alex, what the hell is that thing?"

"My new wig," Alex said simply, setting the bags down on the couch. "I bought one for you, too. Jess and I went a little crazy in the wig shop…I swear we have enough wigs to last us through all of our future Halloweens. I'm sure your wig is in here somewhere." She smiled mischievously and began rummaging through the bags. "Ah! Here it is."

Olivia stared wide-eyed at the wig in Alex's hands. It looked almost like her own hair, though it was a good bit longer and slightly lighter. She slowly took it from Alex's hands and bit her lower lip as she hesitantly put it on her head. "I have hair now," she said, laughing and crying at the same time. She walked over to the mirror hanging above Casey's couch and smiled. "I can't believe I have hair again!"

"You look beautiful," Alex said, walking up behind her and slowly wrapping her arms around Olivia. She smiled warmly and kissed the back of Olivia's head. "Jess and I got everything that Casey asked for pretty quickly, plus I wanted to stop by that hair place anyway." She paused and leaned her forehead against Olivia's. "I have something else for you."

"Something else?"

"Yeah," she answered softly. She took a small step backward and smiled. She took several deep breaths, brought her hands up to her head, and slowly removed her wig, revealing her newly bald head. She couldn't help but smile when she saw Olivia's jaw nearly drop to the ground. "I just wanted to do something to really prove that we're in this together…this was what my twisted mind came up with."

"You shaved off all your hair…" Olivia said softly, to believe what she was seeing. She ran her hands over Alex's head and shook her head, trying to get rid of her tears. "You actually shaved off all your hair."

"I did," Alex said, smiling happily as the tears poured down her cheeks. "Jess was there holding my hand the whole time because I was nervous as hell. Once my hair was chopped off, I put on a baseball cap and we went out in search of the wigs. We found a few fun ones, but I made sure to buy ones we could actually wear out in public, too. Don't worry. You have three more that look like that, just incase we go through them quickly or you spill grape juice on it or something." She paused and studied Olivia's face. "What do you think?"

Olivia shook her head and put her hands over her mouth as she stared at Alex. She couldn't believe what she was seeing, and she had absolutely no idea what to say. She looked over at Jess and saw that the girl had a huge, excited grin on her face. "You let her chop off all her hair?"

"She seemed pretty determined to do it," Jess said, shrugging her shoulders. She gave Olivia a slight wink and smiled. "Who was I to tell her she couldn't?"

Olivia couldn't contain her emotions anymore as she threw her arms around Alex and started sobbing hysterically. "I can't believe you actually did this! You actually shaved off all your hair for me…nobody's ever done anything this huge for me before!" she exclaimed, still not quite able to believe what she was seeing.

Alex laughed and gently rubbed Olivia's back. "I wanted to do something to really prove I'm here with you for all of this, no matter what. I figured this would do just that." She smiled and lightly kissed Olivia. "I love you, Liv. I'm glad I could do something like this for you."

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Olivia crawled into bed and wrapped her arms around Alex. She smiled happily as she felt Alex curl up against her, felt Alex nestle her head in the crook of her neck. "I still can't believe you shaved off all your hair just for me."

Alex laughed and ran her hand over her head. "You're okay with it, right? I mean I know it's kind of silly and I promise you I'm not doing this as a way to make fun of your or anything. I just wanted to show you that I care and –"

"I love you," Olivia said softly, cutting Alex off. "The fact that you were willing to shave off all of your hair just to show me how much you love me…Alex, that is incredible. I have no idea what to say. I'm still in shock."

Alex rubbed her hand over Olivia's head and smiled lovingly into the Detective's eyes. "It was a very liberating experience to say the least, plus I donated it, so that felt pretty good, too." She sighed and rested her head against Olivia's. "I was absolutely terrified at first. I can at least say that I now have a wee little bit of an understanding of what you were feeling when you shaved off your hair," she said softly as she gently traced Olivia's cheekbone. She smiled lovingly as she felt Olivia's tears falling against her thumb. "Jess was really encouraging and just kept telling me what an amazing person I was and how much you were going to appreciate it." She laughed and shook her head. "That child went crazy in the wig shop. It was hilarious to watch. I had to practically drag her out of there so she wouldn't buy any more of those things."

Olivia smiled and held Alex's hand in her own. "You know I can't wear the purple wig to work, right? I have to go with the one that at least resembles how I used to look. I'm sure chasing a perp while wearing a bright purple wig wouldn't go over too well with Cragen."

Alex laughed and shook her head. "Well then we'll just have to save the bright purple wig for the bedroom."

"The bedroom, huh?"

"Oh yeah," Alex answered, flirtatiously batting her eyebrows. "I think we could have a lot of fun playing around with these things. Jess and I picked up five or six playful ones. They weren't cheap but…whatever. They looked like fun."

Olivia shook her head and rolled her eyes. "I'll wear the purple one if you'll wear the pink one with the black stripes. We'll use the boas, put on crazy evening gowns that we'll have to buy from some thrift shop…we can definitely have a lot of fun with these things."

Alex looked over at the bag containing the wigs and smiled. "You're on, Benson. Tomorrow, we're shopping for tacky evening gowns and then it's back to this bedroom for an evening of pleasure."

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"You ready to actually win a game for a change?" Casey asked as she playfully bumped her hip against Julia's. "I've got a pretty good feeling about this one."

Julia raised her eyebrows and smirked. "Ms – Casey…this is our seventh game. We haven't won ever before. We're not very good. What makes you think we'll win tonight?"

Casey smiled and shook her head. Julia still had trouble calling her Casey, but she was getting better at it. "It's not that _we're_ not very good. It's that _I'm_ not very good. I'm surprised you haven't fired me yet."

Julia's eyes widened in surprise and she turned to face Casey. "Why would I fire you? You're so much fun to play with! Who cares if we keep losing? I'm just happy that you're still doing this for me."

"So you're having fun even though we keep losing?"

"I'm having a lot of fun," Julia said firmly. She looked away and towards the bowling alley, watching the other teams as they prepared to play their games. "Besides, the more time I can spend away from this stupid place they put me now, the better." She looked back up at Casey and clenched her jaw in an attempt not to cry. "Did you hear they're moving me again in six days?"

Casey sat down and patted the seat next to her, encouraging Julia to take a seat before they started playing their game. She wanted to wait until after the game to tell Julia of her plans, but now seemed to be a good time. "I heard, honey. I have a question for you though."

"Yeah?"

"I know how much you hate moving, and that they've probably told you that you're going to have to do a good bit more until they're able to find you someplace permanent…I know that sounds pretty scary."

Julia sighed and shook her head. "It's not scary it just…it sucks."

"It sucks a lot."

"I just want to live someplace and not have to move again! I lived with my first foster parents who kept taking my money, then Mr. Warren, then the Stevens, then another stupid house, now this house, and they're moving me again in six days. I hate moving so much!"

Casey wrapped her arm around Julia's shoulder and squeezed her tight. She rubbed Julia's arm several times and took a deep breath. "I hate that you have to move so much. You should have a place to live and not have to move around. I, um…I think I found a place for you, if you want it."

"You found me a place to live…where I wouldn't have to move again?"

"Yeah, I did. You'd still have to move out of where you are now and into another temporary place, only because the paperwork won't be finished by then, but you could move into this new place in eight days."

Julia could barely breathe. She had to grip the chair she was sitting in just so she could stay upright. "Eight days?" she asked, taking slow, deep breaths as she did so. "I could have a real home in eight days?"

Casey smiled at Julia's disbelief. "Yep."

"Where?"

"With me," Casey replied, letting her breath out slowly.

As soon as the words were out of Casey's mouth, Julia stood up and walked away towards the rack of bowling balls about fifteen feet away. She hadn't been prepared for Casey to say those words, and she definitely wasn't ready to allow herself to believe that moving in with Casey was a possibility.

"Hey," Casey said softly as she gently put her hand on Julia's back. She closed her eyes and took several deep breaths, silently regretting not waiting until after their bowling game to drop this news on Julia. "I know this is kinda huge and –"

"You don't want me," Julia said suddenly.

"What?" Casey asked, feeling the color drain from her face.

Julia turned around and angrily wiped the tears from her face. "You don't want me. I cry a lot and I have nightmares every night and I've wet the bed a few times and I'm hard to get along with and I fight and –"

"Stop," Casey said firmly as she wrapped her arms around Julia. She felt Julia sobbing against her, trying her hardest not to cry and failing miserably. "It's okay, honey," she said softly, rubbing Julia's back. "I want you to have a place to live where you feel safe and loved, and I know that Steve and I can give that to you." She smiled and tilted Julia's head up so she met her eyes. "I also know that I already love you very, very much and I would love to have you as my daughter."

"I don't want to make your life miserable."

Casey swallowed hard and fought the sobs that were threatening to overcome her. "That's not possible, honey," she said softly, still gently rubbing Julia's back. "You would bring so much happiness into my life. You are an incredible young girl, and I am blown away by how much you've accomplished and what you've done so far in your life. I want to give you a place where you can continue to grow and enjoy life."

Julia felt herself slowly beginning to calm down from her initial shock. She pulled away from Casey and looked her straight in the eyes. "You really want me to move in with you in eight days? What about your husband?"

Casey smiled warmly and rubbed Julia's shoulders. "He really wants you to move in with us, too. You don't have to decide right this minute, but if it sounds like something you want to do, I'll send in the paperwork tomorrow and you can move into your bedroom in eight days."

"How long would I be allowed to stay?"

"Forever," Casey told her. "We want to adopt you. You could live with us for as long as you want, and even if you feel like moving out, you'd still be more than welcome."

Julia looked back towards the other bowlers, who were now well into their games. She and Casey would still be able to join in the next round, which she desperately wanted to do. She took a few deep breaths and looked back up at Casey. "You're serious, aren't you? You really want to adopt me?"

"Yeah, honey. We really want to adopt you."

"I wanna live with you," Julia said, tears falling down her cheeks as she wrapped her arms around Casey and buried her face in Casey's stomach. She clung to Casey as tight as she possibly could and never wanted to let go.

"Then I'll send in the paperwork and in eight days, you'll bring your bags into your new bedroom, and you'll have a real, permanent, safe place to call home."

Julia looked up and wiped her eyes. "I think I'd like that."

"Good, because I'd like it, too." Casey smiled and gently bumped her hip against Julia's. "What do you say we go down there and finally win a game for a change? I think these little trips have made me a little better. I talked to Steve, and he gave me some pointers. I'm pretty confident I can bowl at least a sixty this game."

Julia smiled and rolled her eyes. "Good. That means I'll probably only have to score a one-twenty-five to beat our competition. Piece of cake…"

"Hey, you scored a one fifteen the other night. I have faith in you, my dear. Let's go out there and show them what we've got!"

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Oh, and to continue my rant from above, why the hell is Dani still in the show? Olivia's returning! She needs to leave! She was only a temporary fill-in…NOT A REPLACEMENT!

Anybody know how much longer she's going to be there??


	31. Let's Go Home

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

I apologize for how long it's been taking me to update lately. I've been having a wicked case of writer's block, my financial aid is screwed up, I've just finished midterms, and I'm looking at my schedule for next semester. Forgive me? I promise to try to find my muse again and get back to my regular updating self :)

And yes, to all of those who hinted, asked, etc. about the upcoming drama/angst…it's coming. Don't worry :)

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"I think it's probably time to schedule that surgery," Olivia muttered sadly as she climbed into bed that evening. She smiled weakly when she felt Alex's arms wrap around her. "I know it's absolutely horrible timing since Jess is pregnant and Casey's bringing Julia home tomorrow. I wish I could just put it off until…well I really wish I just didn't have to do it, but I do, so I figure I'd better just get it done and over with."

Alex bit her lower lip in an effort to keep from crying. The pain in Olivia's voice was almost more than she could handle, and she wished there was more that she could do to alleviate that pain. "Then we'll make that appointment," she whispered into Olivia's ear. "Don't worry about the timing, Liv. Jess still has three months to go and Casey just wants you better. Just know that they're both going to be asking us to babysit before we know it, so we'd better get this cancer out of you quick." She pulled Olivia closer and couldn't help but smile when she felt Olivia's head resting on her cheek. As difficult as this had been, and even though they'd fought more times than she could count, Olivia's cancer, in a way, had brought them closer. Alex would have done anything to make Olivia not have to suffer through this, but reality was reality, and there was nothing she could do except be there for her. The past had dealt them their fair share of pain, but they'd pulled through it and kept going. Alex was sure that they were finally going to pull through this as well. She kissed the top of Olivia's head and sighed with relief. "I love you so much, Olivia."

"I love you, too," Olivia said happily. She laid there for several minutes, her head resting on Alex's chest and Alex's arms wrapped around her. It was a position she'd laid in many times before, but tonight, it made her feel so much more at peace than it ever had in the past. She began to close her eyes to go to sleep, but realized she couldn't. It was then that she suddenly felt the fear washing over her again, and she hated that she was once again having these ridiculous doubts. "You'll come with me, right?" she asked nervously, cringing as she did so. The question made her sound so needy and vulnerable, and the fear in her voice certainly revealed everything she was feeling.

"Where?"

"When I go in to schedule the surgery. You'll come with me, right? You'll be there when they're explaining all the details and everything, right? You'll be there?"

Alex's face softened and she gently traced Olivia's cheekbone with her thumb. "I will be right there holding your hand – or you if you need me to – the entire time," she said firmly.

"And you'll be there when I go into surgery?"

"My face will be the last face you see before you fall asleep."

"And you'll be there after the surgery?"

"My face will be the first face you see when you wake up."

"And what about afterwards?"

Alex smiled softly and pulled Olivia up so their foreheads were touching. The questions coming out of Olivia's mouth were painful to hear, but Alex understood that Olivia needed to ask them. It was the same as when she had first told Olivia her story. For weeks afterwards, she had constantly asked Olivia if she was still going to stay with her. It wasn't that she didn't believe her when Olivia promised she wasn't going anywhere. She just needed to be reassured. Now, Olivia needed that same reassurance. "I love you, Olivia," she said softly, kissing the bridge of Olivia's nose. "You asked me to marry you and I said yes. I agreed to your proposal because I knew you were the one person in this would who could make me perfectly and completely happy. I don't need you to have breasts for me to love you. If you want to have a reconstruction afterwards, then do it. If you don't, then I'll still love you just the same. I'm here now, and I'll be here always. I love you, Olivia. I love you."

Olivia squeezed her eyes shut and her entire body shook as she began to cry. She knew she wasn't really asking the questions because she was questioning Alex's love, and she knew that this was practically the same situation – only reversed – that they had been in only a short time ago during Alex's trial. It was an incredible feeling to be loved completely and unconditionally, and she was finally able to accept that love from Alex, just as she had tried to hard to convince Alex the way she felt about her. She buried her face into the crook of Alex's neck and allowed the tears to fall, happy that Alex was there next to her, hugging her and holding her close.

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"So, I'm really starting to get pretty fat now, huh?" Jess said happily, rubbing her stomach as she sat down on the couch and grabbed a large handful of popcorn. They were about to watch a movie and she was excited that she wasn't craving anything outrageously disgusting. For the time being, popcorn would suit her just fine.

Allen smiled and wrapped his arm around her. "You're six months pregnant…with twins. You're supposed to be fat!" He sighed happily and pulled her closer. He kissed her lightly and rubbed her arm as she rested her head on his chest. "I love you so much, Jess. I can't wait to raise these two beautiful babies with you."

"I love you, too, baby. I'm so incredibly excited. Truth be told though, I want these two out of me. I'm so sick of being fat – having to squeeze into booths at restaurants…and I swear I haven't seen my feet in months!" She sighed and snuggled closer to him. "I'm just ready to not be pregnant anymore." This was the first time in nearly a month that she and Allen had been able to sit down to watch a movie together. With Olivia fighting Alex, Casey working on adopting Julia, and she herself getting sick so often, there just didn't seem to be a lot of time.

He laughed and shook his head. "You're two-thirds of the way there, honey. I know that the first two-thirds have been rough as hell with you getting the twenty-four IV and then the anti-nausea pills, but you've been doing really well these last few days. You're off the IV, the anti-nausea pills are working, and you're gaining more weight – which is a _good_ thing." He took a deep breath and pressed play on the remote. "Stop worrying. You can start wishing to not be pregnant in three months. Right now, be glad they're still inside you."

"I am glad that they're still inside me. It means they're getting healthier. I'm just tired right now. This whole pregnancy thing is exhausting." She looked up at him and smiled. "Thanks for being so patient with me. I know I've been a little nuts lately."

"A little," he joked as the opening credits began playing. "But that's understandable. We've had a lot going on lately besides you being pregnant. I'm surprised you're not more neurotic."

She laughed and tried to pull her feet up onto the couch so she could lie her head in his lap and watch the movie. Realizing that her legs were too heavy for her to perform the task, she groaned and looked up at him, eyes pleading for help. She smiled as he gently reached over and pulled her legs up for her. "You're the one that's keeping me from being neurotic, you know that, right?"

"I know, and you're giving me every reason to keep you sane." He smiled and placed his hand on her cheek so that he could gently rub his thumb over her cheekbone. It was an action he had realized that she loved, though she'd never said a word about it. She was like that, he figured out. She wasn't one to voice what she preferred a lot of the times, but her actions often spoke louder than words. "You're an incredible woman, Jess. I'm so happy right now, being married to you, about to have children with you. I'm so happy…so completely and perfectly happy."

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"You ready to do this?" Steve asked as he walked towards the front door. He was so nervous his hands were shaking, but he tried his best to hide it. He could tell that Casey was a complete wreck, so he wanted to try to remain as calm as possible. It wouldn't do either of them any good if they were both so nervous they were practically shaking. He took a deep breath and smiled. "I guess it's time, huh?"

Casey smiled, took a deep breath, straightened the nonexistent wrinkles in her skirt for the hundredth time, and nodded. "I guess it is. I think I'm ready…I mean, yeah, I know I'm ready. I'm just nervous. I really don't want to screw this up." She bit her lower lip and closed her eyes, trying to concentrate on keeping herself together. This had to work out. She had to stay strong, had to keep her emotions under control. "I just…I don't want to mess this up. I'm so scared I'm not good enough to do this."

He took her hand in his, tilted her chin up, and smiled. "Don't talk like that. You're not going to screw anything up, Case," he said lovingly. He kissed her lightly and nodded encouragingly. "You're going to be a great mom, and Julia is going to love you even more than she does now." He gave her hand a gentle squeeze and led her out to the car. "We're going to drive out to where she's staying, we're going to put her things in the car, and we're going to bring her home. _Home_, Casey. We're bringing that little girl home."

She climbed into the passenger's side and closed the door. As he climbed in behind the wheel and started the car, she reached over and held his hand. The reality of the situation was really starting to kick in, and she couldn't help but feel very overwhelmed. She was glad Steve was with her, supporting her and encouraging her to go through with her dreams. She knew that, while he was ecstatic about bringing Julia home, he would never have even thought about adopting a child had she not broached the subject. He was doing this because he wanted to, but he was also doing this because he knew how much it meant to her. "Do you realize just how incredible you are, Steve?"

"Not nearly as incredible as you. You're the one who introduced me to her. You're the one who wanted to adopt her." He smiled and quickly glanced over to her before returning his eyes to the road in front of her. "You're the one who got her to see what real love really is. She's going to finally have the opportunity to see what a childhood is supposed to be like because of you."

"And you're the one who agreed to do this, even though it must have sounded so completely outrageous and ridiculous. I just dropped this on you suddenly, and you completely went with it. You're the one who loved me enough to see how much I really wanted this. I love you so much, Steve."

"I love you, too, Case."

They rode the rest of the way in silence. The fact that Julia was in fact coming home with them in just a few hours hadn't quite sunk in yet. The truth of the matter was that it probably wouldn't sink in until at least a few days after it happened. It was hard to imagine Julia living with them, growing up in their home, learning to love and trust other people, but it was beautiful to think about. Both Casey and Steve, though silent, were thinking about the future, and the wonderful things that awaited them.

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"Allen, I know you hate this, but do you think you could massage my feet, just for a little bit?" Jess asked, sitting on the side of the bathtub, waiting for it to fill with water. "I've been on them a lot today and they're killing me." She smiled and batted her eyelashes. "Please?"

He shook his head and pulled off his pants. "Wash them first. They stink."

"They do not stink!" she exclaimed, pretending to be hurt.

"Yes they do. Wash them, then I'll massage them."

She rolled here eyes and turned around, placing her legs in the tub. Grabbing the shower gel, she slowly began washing her feet, though it was difficult. She turned her head back to look at him. "You do realize that this isn't exactly easy to do when you're six months pregnant, right?"

"And you do realize that I'm about to massage those feet. I don't want to massage anything that's sweaty or smelly or gross or anything like that. Either suck it up and wash them, or you get no massage." He smiled as he climbed into the bathtub and pulled her in with him. Though a lot of people probably wouldn't agree, he thought Jess looked so much sexier when she was pregnant. He wrapped his arms around her and placed his hands over her stomach. "I love you," he whispered in her ear.

She leaned her head back against his chest and smiled as she turned to kiss him lightly. "I love you, too."

Several minutes later, Allen climbed out of the bathtub and knelt beside it. He smiled warmly at Jess and patted the side of the tub. "Go ahead and stick those feet up here. I'll give them a good rub before we go to bed."

"Really?"

"Yep."

She smiled eagerly and propped her feet up on the side of the tub. His hands felt so good against her sore feet. She had been doing a lot of walking around the last few days, getting the nursery prepared and just busying herself as her nerves started to get to her. It was starting to take its toll on her feet, and Allen's massage was working wonderfully. She sighed happily and relaxed even more. "I think Casey and Steve are probably on their way home with Julia right now." She smiled and leaned her head up slightly. "I'm so excited for them."

He continued rubbing her feet and smiled. "I am, too. They both looked so excited the other day." He shook his head and pulled her out of the tub. "I know it's not going to be easy, but the look on Casey's face as she was telling us about it…they are so happy to be doing this for Julia."

Jess wrapped her arms around him and smiled as he pulled a towel over her back. "Casey can't stop talking about it, either. I've never seen a person love a child so much. She knows it's not going to be easy, but damn she's prepared for anything. You saw the room she created…Julia's going to finally have a place to call home."

They climbed into bed and pulled the covers over themselves. Allen sighed happily and placed his hands over Jess' stomach. "I guess you'll be Aunt Jess before Casey becomes Aunt Casey. Bet you didn't see that one coming."

She laughed and shook her head. "No, I definitely didn't, but who cares? I'm about to be an aunt and you're about to be an uncle!" She smiled and pushed the hair out of his face. "We are definitely going over there to celebrate once they get Julia settled in. And I am buying that child one hell of a homecoming gift."

"What are you thinking about getting her?"

Jess shrugged indifferently. "I don't know. I mean, she's twelve, so I definitely can't buy her a car –"

"Not to mention the amount of money a car would cost."

"Eh," Jess shrugged. "You know me. Money's not an issue. I'll probably buy the three of them tickets to Disney World or something. I bet she'd like that. I should talk to her first though, see what she likes and everything."

"You and your gifts."

"I give them when they're deserved."

"I know you do," he smiled and kissed her forehead as he pulled her closer. "You're an incredible woman, Jess. Not many people would spend their money the way you spend yours. You could so easily go out and buy a huge house and a dozen cars, but you don't. You just give, give, give."

She curled up against him and sighed. "I just don't like rich people who only think of themselves. That's all I knew growing up and I always hated it. I hated having all the money, but then I started thinking, and it feels so incredible to give it away to those who really deserve it."

"And that's one of the many, many reasons I love you." He kissed the top of her head and closed his eyes. "Good night, sweetie. Get some rest and let those babies get strong and healthy."

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"Mr. and Mrs. Novak, please come in," Robyn Sheppard said curtly as she opened the door and allowed Casey and Steve to step inside. "She's up in the bedroom. Feel free to go up and get her if you wish." She offered an annoyed smile and walked back to the kitchen.

"Thanks," Casey muttered angrily under her breath. _She's up in the bedroom_, she thought angrily. Who the hell was this woman and why wasn't she helping Julia get ready for this huge move? She shook her head and looked up at Steve. "I think I should probably go up and get her by myself," she said hesitantly. "This place is a complete mess and Julia's probably not going to want to do a lot of talking or have the two of us bombard her or anything." She looked back towards the kitchen and frowned. Robyn was sitting at a small table, smoking a cigarette and watching Jerry Springer. "Figures," Casey mumbled as she sighed and headed towards the stairs.

"Go bring her home," Steve encouraged, watching her slowly climb the steps. _I'll be down here trying desperately to resist the overwhelming urge to kill that woman. Better hurry though – damn bitch is only fifteen feet from me and I can't make any promises._

Casey took a slow, deep breath before knocking softly on the door and slowly walking into the room. It took everything she had to keep from crying. The room was an even bigger mess than the rest of the house was. There were clothes strewn about on the floor, cigarette butts everywhere, and Casey was pretty sure she saw a few bugs crawling around on pieces of trash in one corner. There were also no beds – just five mattresses on the floor. Julia was sitting on the far mattress, her back to the door. Casey walked over and slowly sat down next to her. "Hi, sweetie," she said, trying to sound upbeat and excited, though it was hard now that she saw Julia looking so miserable. "Where's everybody else who lives here?"

"Probably getting high."

"I'm glad you didn't go with them."

Julia shrugged, though in the pit of her stomach, she felt an odd sense of happiness as she heard Casey's praise. "You and Steve were coming. I didn't want to miss you guys."

"We would have waited for you, but we definitely would have been pretty upset that you went out and used drugs with them. That must have been hard, to have them all go and leave you behind here."

"Not really," Julia admitted. "I'm not interested in drugs."

Casey smiled proudly. "Now that's what I like to hear."

She looked up and managed a weak, half – smile. She picked up her duffel bag and three of her five teddy bears. Her smile grew slightly as Casey picked up the two remaining bears. "Time to go?" she asked, the tone of her voice lacking any hint of emotion.

"Are you ready to go?"

Julia shrugged and kept her gaze focused on the far wall. She gripped the handle of her suitcase a little tighter and held her teddy bears a little closer. "I guess so," she said, standing up and walking towards the door. "It's not like it really matters anyway."

"Hey," Casey said firmly. That comment had caught her completely off guard and she had no idea how to respond. Only a few days earlier, Julia had seemed eager to move in with her and Steve. Now that she was apparently indifferent about it, Casey wanted to get her happy again. "Everything okay?" she asked as she gently placed her hand on Julia's shoulder.

"Let's just go," Julia said angrily. "Might as well get this one over with, too."

Casey furrowed her eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

For the first time since Casey walked into the room, Julia turned and looked her in the eyes. "Your place isn't going to be different than any of the other places they've put me. You'll get fed up with me just like everybody else and then you'll –"

"Stop," Casey interrupted. She knelt down and placed both of her hands on Julia's shoulders. She looked straight into Julia's eyes and swallowed as she tried not to cry. "My place will _not_ be like what you've had before, and we will _not_ get fed up with you and send you to live somewhere else. I've already sent in the paperwork to officially adopt you." She smiled warmly and pushed a few pieces of hair out of Julia's face. "You're coming home, sweetheart. You're coming home."

Julia was trying so hard to keep the tears from falling that she nearly stopped breathing. The look in Casey's eyes told her that the woman was telling the truth, but at the same time, she'd heard the words before. She'd believed them before, and she'd been burned by them before. It was terrifying to even think about allowing herself to try to believe what Casey was telling her. She started rocking back and forth and bit her lower lip, the determination of her tears to fall suddenly stronger than her determination to keep them at bay.

"Come here, sweetie," Casey said softly as she pulled Julia into a warm hug. She even allowed herself to cry a bit as she felt the young girl shaking in her arms. "It's okay, honey. It's okay," she whispered, gently rubbing Julia's back. "I love you, sweetie, and so does Steve. I know this is scary and difficult and a whole bunch of other emotions mixed in as well. My house will be a permanent home for you, I promise. You'll have your own bedroom, and you'll never have to move again…except when you go to college and you're so fed up with Steve and I that you'll want to move into a dorm and get away from us."

Julia managed a slight laugh as she pulled herself from the hug and wiped her eyes. "I don't think I'll move out because I'm fed up with you…I don't think that'll even happen. I'll just want to live with people from school. Plus, I hear commuting really sucks."

Casey smiled and stood back up, helping Julia with her things and wrapping her arm around the young girl's shoulders. "Come on, Julia. Let's go home."

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	32. Homecoming

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

Again, sorry for the delays in posting. I've been busy as hell and really struggling with this writer's block. In a rather pathetic attempt to make up for forcing all of you lovely readers to wait, I've written a slightly longer chapter…hope it helps :)

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"You really want to go in for another ultrasound already?" Allen asked hesitantly. "You just got one a month ago. Why do you want to go again so soon? Do you really think you need it?"

Jess shrugged and pulled on her pajamas. "I'm just nervous. I don't know, I just…" she looked down at her stomach. "I want to make sure they're okay. I feel like I've grown so attached to them already," she smiled as her voice trailed off.

Allen reached over and gently placed his hand on her stomach, grinning as he felt one of the babies kick. "I think they're fine," he told her. "You're doing everything right, honey. The babies are okay. You don't have to go in for another ultrasound this soon."

"You think we should wait until the eighth month mark? That's what the doctor suggested, but I don't know. I don't know if I want to wait that long," she said nervously.

"It's only six weeks away."

"That seems like forever."

He smiled and pulled her into bed with him. "You've been pregnant for six and a half months. Somehow, I don't think waiting another six weeks is going to kill you or the babies."

"Maybe not," she admitted. "But this worrying is definitely going to drive me absolutely insane."

"Then I'll just have to work extra hard at keeping you sane."

As she snuggled against him, she sighed happily and closed her eyes, allowing him to wrap his arms around her and pull her close. He was right and she knew it. She really was worrying too much. At the same time, however, she couldn't help but worry that she wasn't doing something right – that something was wrong. Chalking it up to first time motherhood and raging hormones, she allowed herself to forget about it for the time being and drift off into a very peaceful sleep.

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Steve pulled into the driveway and parked the car. Casey was sitting in the backseat, with Julia leaning against her, both fast asleep. It was nearly nine-thirty and he was exhausted. They had gotten in a lot later than they expected. On their way home, Casey had heard Julia's stomach growling. It had taken a few minutes, but the girl had finally admitted that she was hungry. They had quickly pulled into the parking lot of an Olive garden, Casey's favorite restaurant, and were seated right away. He smiled as he looked back at the two women sitting behind him, tired from the evening's events, but happy with the way things had finally ended. Sighing, he closed his eyes and thought back to everything that had happened.

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"What are you hungry for?" Casey asked enthusiastically. Julia has barely said two words since they'd left Robyn Sheppard's house, and the silence was starting to grow a little awkward.

Julia shrugged and looked away. "I can just eat whatever you guys don't finish. You don't actually have to get me anything. I'm not really that hungry anyway."

Julia's grumbling stomach gave away her lie immediately, and Casey offered her a slight smile. "You're not eating whatever Steve and I don't finish because Steve and I plan on eating everything that we order. You order whatever you want. If there's any left over, we'll get it boxed and you can eat it tomorrow."

"I can order anything I want?"

"Anything you want," Steve answered. While Julia leaned ever so slightly away from the sound of his voice when he spoke, she didn't cringe like she had when they'd first met. She was getting better at trusting him already. Getting her to trust him was going to take a lot of time and effort, but it would be worth it in the end. "You can get whatever you want," he said again.

She smiled nervously and looked back down at her menu. This was hard – trying to trust that Steve wasn't going to hurt her. Most of the men she had known in her life had hurt her. Spending time with one who had promised that he would die before ever laying a hand on her was awkward. She wanted so badly to believe him, but she was terrified. "I, um…I think I want the spinach and artichoke dip," she said softly as she leaned towards Casey, unsure of how Steve would react to her order.

"Spinach and artichoke dip it is," Steve said happily. "What are you having, Case?"

"Seafood alfredo. You?"

He grinned. "Chicken Marsala."

They all ordered for themselves. Once the waiter arrived. Casey had mentioned earlier that it was important that they allow Julia to do as much as possible on her own. Even something as simple as ordering at a restaurant made the young girl nervous, but she hid it well. Casey was sure it was one small step in the healing process.

"So, Julia," Steve said once the waiter left. "How are you enjoying your last year of elementary school?"

Julia shrugged and looked down. _Just talk to him, Julia! He's not going to hurt you. Casey wouldn't let him anywhere near you if he were dangerous!_ She swallowed and looked back up. "It's okay. Lots of homework though."

"Yeah, that's one thing about school that I definitely don't miss," Steve said, happy that Julia was trying to have this conversation with him. "Do you have a favorite class?"

"Art," she answered, slowly growing more comfortable holding a conversation with him. "We're making collages using pictures from old animal and nature magazines."

"I used to love doing that!" Casey exclaimed. It was great to see the two of them interacting, even if Julia did lean away every time Steve spoke. At least she was participating in the conversation and was no longer cringing at the sound of his voice. It was definitely a start.

Julia smiled and nodded excitedly. "My art teacher, Mrs. Zyla, says she really likes mine."

"I bet it's wonderful," Casey said. "I'd love to see it when you bring it home."

At Casey's words, Julia frowned and narrowed her eyebrows in confusion. "Why? What would you do with it?"

"We'd definitely hang it up somewhere, and maybe even get it framed."

"Really?" Julia asked suspiciously. "You wouldn't throw it away?"

Both Casey's and Steve's eyes widened in horror at Julia's question. "We would never throw away something that you made," Steve said worriedly. "What makes you think we would do something like that?"

"Mr. Warren always threw away everything I brought home and my foster parents after him just laughed at all my projects. I stopped showing anybody any of my stuff after a while. I didn't want it to get thrown away."

Casey smiled warmly and reached across the table so she could hold Julia's hand. Satisfied that Julia wasn't going to pull her hand away and that she was, in fact, going to listen to what she had to say, Casey spoke. "We would never do that to you. You should be proud of your artwork and all your projects. I would love for you to bring them home so I can hang them all over the place and brag about you until you got sick of it and took them down." Smiling happily as Julia laughed, Casey squeezed the girl's hand lightly. "If you want to show us your collage, Steve and I would love to see it. if you want to wait a little while before showing us anything, that's okay, too."

"You promise not to laugh or throw it away?"

Steve nodded and gently placed his hand over Casey and Julia's. "We promise."

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He turned off the car and smiled. As he turned around to look at the sleeping women in the backseat, Casey stirred and slowly woke up. Their eyes met and she smiled, gently squeezing Julia so the girl woke up. "We're home," he said, climbing out of the car and walking around to the other side so he could open their door. Once both Casey and Julia were out of the car, he locked it and opened his arms towards the house. "This is where we live."

Julia looked up at the house as Steve spoke. It was much nicer than any of the places she'd ever lived in before. It had two stories, a large porch, nice yard, no paint chipping off anywhere, and a small balcony off one of the top bedrooms. Her breathing quickened as she felt Casey's hand gently cover her shoulder. She wiped away a few tears and looked up. "You really live here?"

"We do, and now, you live here, too."

Julia bit her lower lip and swallowed. She took several deep breaths and picked up her suitcase. _Don't get too attached to this place. They're just going to throw you out like everybody else,_ she warned herself. "I'm tired," she said flatly. "Can you take me to my room so I can go to bed?"

Casey nodded and went to grab Julia's suitcase from her hand, but the girl pulled it away, saying she could carry it herself. Deciding it was best not to argue with her about this, Casey simple pulled her hand back and followed Steve up to the house. She turned back around and gave Julia a half-smile. "You've still got all five of your bears sitting in the backseat. I don't think you'll be able to get everything alone."

Seething with anger, Julia held her ground. Who the hell did Casey think she was? She could do it herself! She spun around angrily and opened the car door. Once she was finally able to pull all five bears from the back seat, she pushed the door closed with her hip. When she tried to shift the bears' positions, however, she realized that there was no way she was going to be able to carry the suitcase as well. She tried several more times before she gave up. She swallowed hard and looked up at Casey, her eyes pleading for help. She hated that she couldn't do this on her own, but she hated even more that Casey wasn't expecting her to. _What's up with that? Why didn't she just leave me out here like she's supposed to? Why is she waiting to help me?_ She sighed, pushing her feelings aside, and shook her head. "Help?" she asked, almost angrily.

"Not if you ask me like that."

"Please?"

Casey smiled proudly and sauntered over to Julia. "All you had to do was ask nicely," she said, happily picking up Julia's suitcase and walking up the driveway towards the house. She turned around and saw Julia still standing in the same spot. "You planning on coming inside?"

Rolling her eyes, Julia followed Casey inside. As soon as the door closed behind her, she gasped. The house was even more beautiful inside than it was outside. "Your living room furniture matches," she said under her breath, glad when she saw that neither Casey nor Steve had heard her. It was incredible. There were pictures all over the walls, some of just Casey and Steve and others of people she didn't know, probably their friends. She wanted so desperately to be in one of those pictures. The last time anybody had ever taken a picture of her, besides her school picture, had been on a picnic the summer before her parents were killed. She walked over to the fireplace and picked up a picture off the mantle. She managed a weak smile as she looked at the six faces smiling back at her.

"That was taken just a few weeks ago," Casey whispered as she walked up behind Julia. She began pointing to everyone in the picture. "That's Jess and her husband Allen. They're really good friends of ours. And these two over here are Olivia and her girlfriend Alex. You remember Olivia, right?" She smiled warmly as Julia nodded. "She and Alex are also extremely good friends of ours. The six of us are together more often than not, so you'll get to meet them very soon…if you want to. They all wanted to come over for dinner this weekend, but if it's too soon, just let me know."

Julia put the picture back on the mantle and walked away. "You can invite them all over, it's okay. You don't have to say no just because I'm here. I'd hate to ruin your weekend."

"You wouldn't ruin our weekend," Casey insisted.

"Of course I would!" Julia screamed, her anger finally surfacing. "You should be able to have all your friends over without worrying about me! I'm just going to get in your way like I get in everybody else's way!"

"There's no need to yell," Steve said calmly, trying to ease Julia's frustration.

"Screw you!" she screamed back, picking up her suitcase and running towards the stairs. This wasn't happening. She wouldn't allow it to happen. Casey and Steve were being way too welcoming, and if she didn't start to distance herself soon, there was no way she would be able to handle it when they finally sent her back to live in the group homes. She held her suitcase tight in her hands, deciding it best to forget the bears that were still lying on the floor. Besides, they would only be a reminder of the hurt once she was finally sent away from this home. She reached the top of the stairs before Casey and Steve had even gotten to the first steps at the bottom. Now she had to think fast. She had no clue which room was hers. She looked towards the door on the left, but that led to the room with the balcony. That room was obviously the master bedroom, so she crossed that one off the list. The door straight in front of her was slightly ajar, but upon further inspection, she found that it was a bathroom. Casey and Steve were now beyond the halfway point up the stairs, and she had only one door left. She ran as fast as she could, opened the door, turned on the light, and stopped dead in her tracks.

Casey and Steve reached the top of the stairs quickly, but slowed their pace as they walked towards the bedroom. Steve decided to stay a few steps back, not sure how Julia would react to him being in or near her bedroom, but encouraged Casey to go talk to her. "I think she'd rather hear about the room from you anyways," he whispered. "Seeing as how you did everything and all."

She smiled weakly and nodded. "I hope she doesn't think it's too cheesy."

He looked over at Julia and smiled. "Judging by her reaction, I think it's pretty safe to say that she doesn't feel that way." He gave her a gentle nudge in the direction of the bedroom. "Go talk to her, honey."

Walking over slowly, Casey smiled as she stepped into the bedroom and stood next to Julia. She gently wrapped her arm around the girl's shoulders and pulled her close. "Is it too cheesy? I can change it if you want."

Julia shook her head quickly. "You painted my name on the wall," she whispered, looking across the room to her full name, Julia Marie Novak, painted in beautiful Calligraphy. "You actually painted my name on your wall?"

"On _your_ wall." She smiled and cocked her head back towards the wall. "Read the poem under it. Steve and I wrote it a few days ago." She paused for a moment, looking into Julia's still very shocked eyes. "If you don't like it, please tell me and we'll paint over it."

Julia turned her head back towards the wall and began reading the words that Casey had so beautifully written, still in perfect calligraphy, though much smaller than her name.

_We love you very much, our child,  
__We just wanted you to know.  
__And every day you're with us,  
__Our love will surely grow._

_You're beautiful and perfect,  
__In every single way.  
__And when you wake up tomorrow,  
__That is what we'll say._

_While you are not ours by blood,  
__In our hearts you are the same.  
__And we hope that you will forever  
__Want to carry on our name._

_So when you're feeling down,  
__Or like you don't belong,  
__Look back up at this wall,  
__And sing this little song._

_Julia, sweet child,  
__Please take these words to heart.  
__We love you now and always will,  
__We've loved you from the start._

_We never will stop loving you,  
__No matter what you say,  
__You're our daughter now  
__So let's start our lives today!_

Before she even realized what was happening, tears were pouring down Julia's cheeks. She wrapped her arms around Casey and buried her face in the woman's chest. Never in her life had anybody made her feel so loved and important. She held Casey even tighter as she felt Casey pull her close. She wanted so badly to say thank you, or at least something to show how much this meant, but she was crying so hard she couldn't manage to get a single word out.

"Do you like it, or should I paint over it?"

"Don't paint over it," she forced out. "Please don't paint over it."

"Okay," Casey whispered, gently rubbing Julia's back. As a few tears fell down her cheeks, she looked up and saw Steve standing in the doorway, a proud smile on his face. "I love you," she mouthed to him.

"I love you, too," he mouthed back.

She held Julia until the girl couldn't cry any more tears. Finally, Casey released her and smiled warmly. "You ready to call this place home yet? It's yours if you want it."

"I want it, I really do. I'm just…scared." What the hell was happening to her? She never admitted when she was scared. _Nobody's ever written a poem for me, that's got to be why I'm so emotional right now._ She swallowed and looked up at Casey. _Her eyes are different than everybody else's, too. She actually looks like she wants me. Is that possible? Could somebody actually really want me?_ "I'm sorry I yelled earlier."

Casey nodded and patted Julia's shoulder. "I accept that apology. It's okay to be upset and scared, but I don't want to get into screaming matches about it. Maybe next time you could just try to talk about it rather than screaming?"

"I'll try."

"Good. Now let's get you into some pajamas and into bed. We'll unpack your things tomorrow, find out what you need, and then, we're going shopping!"

Julia smiled and threw her suitcase on the bed. She gave Steve a nervous look and was glad when he quickly retreated downstairs. Suddenly, she was nervous as she pulled the pajamas out. "You've seen my scars, right?" she asked Casey.

Casey took a deep breath and nodded. "Yeah, honey. I've seen them."

"And they don't bother you?"

She walked over and sat down on the bed. "It bothers me that you were hurt the way you were, but no, your scars don't bother me. They don't make you any less beautiful and they certainly don't make me or Steve love you any less."

"Is he going to come in here before I go to sleep?"

"Do you want him to?"

"No," she said quickly.

"Then he won't. I'll make sure of it."

Julia smiled weakly and stared at her pajamas, which were now sitting on the bed next to her suitcase. She pulled the suitcase off the bed and pushed it up against the wall. "Would it be okay if I showed you my scars? You've only seen the pictures." _Maybe after you actually see them, you'll understand how ugly and unlovable I really am._

"If you feel comfortable showing me, then of course you can," Casey said, her voice gentle and loving. _This girl has more guts than I could ever hope for. I pray to God Steve and I can get her to see her beauty soon._

Nodding nervously, Julia very slowly pulled off her shirt, revealing four stab wounds and a dozen cigarette burns. She held her breath for several seconds, waiting for the hatred to start spewing from Casey's mouth. When that didn't happen, she began to grow even more nervous. "W-why aren't y-you calling m-me ugly?" she asked.

Casey pulled Julia up onto the bed with her, pulled her pajama shirt on her, and wrapped her arms tightly around her. "Because you're not ugly," she said softly. "You're beautiful. Look up at the wall and read that poem Steve and I wrote for you. We meant it, Julia. We meant it."

"Every word?"

"Every single one."

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"Julia's probably home by now," Alex said as she turned off the television and pulled Olivia off the couch. "I really hope she likes her room. I know Casey did some extra stuff to it after we left and I am dying to know what she did."

Olivia rubbed her eyes and followed Alex into the bedroom. They had originally planned on going in to talk to the oncologist today, but Olivia had awakened with one of the worst headaches she'd ever had, and had begged Alex to allow her to wait until tomorrow to talk to the doctor. They had gotten into a small argument about it, but Olivia had promised Alex that she would go in tomorrow, and had assured her that she wasn't trying to fake sick to get out of the appointment. Now, as she and Alex were climbing into bed, she was glad that they had so quickly moved on from their argument. She smiled and snuggled closer to Alex. "I'm sure Julia's going to love it. Casey's really put a lot of time and effort into that room."

"She really worked hard to make sure Julia could call that place home."

"Julia's had some pretty difficult cards handed to her, but there's one thing I am definitely sure of."

"Yeah? What's that?"

"She's being adopted by two of the most amazing, generous, and loving people on this planet. It's not going to be easy, but with Casey and Steve as her parents, Julia's going to be just fine."

Alex sighed happily. "I can't wait to finally meet her. With everything that happened after I testified, I never actually got the chance. You and Casey always spoke so highly of her. Looking back, maybe I should have made more of an effort to meet her. She could have used someone who'd been through what she went through."

Olivia rubbed her hand over Alex's head, smiling as she felt a few pieces of hair growing back and silently wishing that hers would do the same. "You had a lot on your plate back then. It's okay." She smiled and rubbed her nose against Alex's. "Julia's a good kid. She's got a lot of issues, but that's understandable. Given everything she's been through, I'm surprised she's able to keep going the way she is." She smiled and looked Alex in the eyes. "I could say the same thing about you, you know. You've been through hell and yet here you are, happy and beautiful as always. You're a strong woman, Alex. Really strong.

"You keep me strong," Alex whispered, cupping Olivia's face in her hand. She swallowed as a few tears fell down her cheeks. "Your love keeps me going. You're my rock, Liv. I love you so much."

"I love you, too, baby. And you know what?"

"What?"

"You're my rock, too. After everything I've put you through…all the fights and everything, and now this surgery, you're still right here next to me." She paused and took several deep breaths. "There's no way I'd be able to beat this cancer on my own."

Alex slowly leaned in and kissed her. What started out as a light kiss quickly turned into a very passionate one. Soon they were rolling around, wrapping their arms and legs around each other, and kissing deeply. It was what they both needed. Getting lost in the arms of the other was more healing than any words could ever be. Their lovemaking lasted long into the night, and when they finally succumbed to exhaustion, they fell asleep happier than they had been in a very long time.

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I know this chapter was really focused on Casey and Steve bringing Julia home. I promise to bring the other characters back full force in the next chapter. I just wanted to get Julia home :)

Okay, yea, the poem's weird. I couldn't find one I liked so I made one up. If anybody has any suggestions or if you think I should keep it, let me know. I'm not the greatest at writing poems, but I was determined to get this thing posted…


	33. Decorating the Nursery

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes. 

I am so very sorry it's taken me this long to get this chapter updated. I haven't forgotten you all, I promise. I had it all typed out and ready to go a few days ago and my computer crashed. I got the computer fixed but unfortunately lost everything on my hard drive. After screaming and cursing for about an hour, I started rewriting the chapter. Hopefully it's still good. I'm pretty happy with it…

I've also been trying for the last two days to upload the story, but it hasn't been letting me. It keeps saying there was an error processing my request and to notify the site admin, etc. However, it asks for a username and password…what is that? I log in and give my email and password. I tried that here and it didn't work…stupid error messages.

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"Ms. Benson, please, come in," Dr. Sheffield said softly, ushering Olivia and Alex into her office. "Glad you could make it, too, Ms. Cabot. It's nice to see she has someone to support her."

Alex reached for Olivia's hand and smiled as they both sat down on the couch in front of the doctor's desk. It was obvious that Olivia was incredibly nervous about this visit. She was looking down to her hands, which were shaking in her lap. She gave Olivia's hands a gentle squeeze and looked back up at the doctor. "I'm just glad she finally came to her senses and let me in. There is no place on earth I'd rather be right now than right here."

Dr. Sheffield smiled warmly and turned to look at Olivia. "This is a very difficult procedure for any woman to have to endure, but the benefits far outweigh the costs. I'm not going to lie to you and say that it'll be easy, because it won't. What I can tell you is that it will be worth it in the end."

"How long before I can go back to work?" Olivia asked bluntly, her jaw clenched tight.

"I'd give it at least a week, maybe a little more. You're going to be sore for a few days. Give yourself a little time to heal. Don't jump right back into things. You don't want to hurt yourself."

"You said I'd be able to go back to work and be in the same physical shape as before," Olivia blurted out angrily. "Is that true, or am I just going to end up working a desk for the rest of my life?"

The doctor smiled as she saw Alex gently squeeze Olivia's hands in an attempt to soothe her anger. It was good to see that Olivia had a healthy support system. She had seen all to many times women who were on their own. It was difficult to tell a woman she was about to lose her breasts, but it was even more difficult to tell her when she was all alone. Leaning forward, Dr. Sheffield nodded. "You're pretty weak right now from the chemo, and you're going to be sore after the surgery, but you're tough. You'll bounce back soon enough."

"How soon can we do it?"

"I can schedule your surgery for as early as next week."

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"I'm proud of you," Alex said softly as she dipped the loofa into the water and squeezed it over Olivia's chest, allowing a stream of warm water to run down Olivia's body. She rested her chin on Olivia's shoulder and hugged her tight. "Thank you so much for letting me come with you today."

Olivia turned slightly so she could lightly kiss Alex's soft lips. "Thanks for coming," she whispered. "I don't think I could have gotten through that visit without you there holding me." She closed her eyes and leaned into Alex's embrace. Her whole body began to shake as the tears began to flow from her eyes. "I'm so scared," she admitted softly. She was doing this more often now and, while it scared her that she was this open with Alex, it was also a huge relief. To be able to trust someone so completely like she trusted Alex was an incredible feeling. "I'm terrified of having this surgery," she whispered softly, trying to curl as close to Alex as physically possible.

"It's going to be okay, baby," Alex assured her. Fighting her own tears for the moment, she pulled the plug and listened to the water draining as she helped Olivia out of the tub. She wrapped a towel around Olivia's shoulders and they made their way to the bedroom. "It's going to be okay, Liv, I promise."

Olivia sighed and sat down on the bed, allowing the towel to fall to the floor. She looked down to her lap when she felt Alex sit down next to her. "I just want this surgery done with so I can go back to living a semi-normal life. I just…" her voice trailed off and she took a deep breath. "How can you be so sure that nothing's going to change when I lose my breasts? I know I keep asking and I'm sorry I just-"

Alex placed her finger over Olivia's mouth and took a deep breath as she held both of Olivia's hands. Slowly and deliberately she traced all of her scars with Olivia's fingers, both of their hands shaking from the emotion. "Nothing changed in the way you felt about me once you found out what happened," she said firmly, a few tears beginning to fall. She cupped Olivia's face in her hands and gently traced her cheekbones. "Nothing is going to change for me, either. I love you, Olivia. You don't have to have breasts for me to feel what I'm feeling."

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"How are you planning on doing the nursery?" Jess asked as she and Allen grabbed a shopping cart and made their way into the Bed, Bath, and Beyond store. "I know we're having a girl, but I really don't want one of those overly pink, girly rooms. Besides," she said, looking down to her stomach. "I don't think little Christopher Michael would appreciate pink very much."

Allen laughed and pushed the cart down the bedding aisle. "I think we are going to create a beautiful nursery. I think neutral colors are best…I'm thinking a nice, soft pale green or something. We could do stripes on the walls and get bedding or whatever that at least kind of matches. It'll give the room a little oomph."

"Oomph, huh?" she joked, pulling down a large comforter. They were buying new bedding for their room as well. It was getting old and worn out. It made sense to go ahead and buy everything together rather than making separate trips. "I think we're going to have to hit the Babies R Us for most of what we need."

"You up for hitting another store today, or do you want to wait until another day?"

"Today works," she answered happily. "Just thinking about buying everything for these two and putting it all together is giving me so much energy! I can't wait to start decorating that nursery."

He smiled and they made their way to the check-out lane. Luckily, the store was relatively slow and they didn't have to wait in line very long. "How are your feet holding up?" he asked once they arrived at the car.

"Surprisingly well," she answered truthfully. She climbed into the front seat and waited for him to pack everything into the car. "Thanks," she said gratefully as he climbed into the driver's seat.

He leaned over and kissed her. "I want to let you rest for a bit if we're going to hit another huge store today. Besides, I don't want you doing anything to exert yourself. You're seven months pregnant."

"Almost," she corrected him.

"Okay, almost. Still, I want you to be careful. You're carrying precious cargo there."

"I'm fine, Allen," she assured him. I want to keep shopping."

"You sure your feet are okay?"

"Positive."

"And your ankles?"

"They're fine."

"And your-"

"I'm fine, Allen!" she exclaimed, half angry, half amused. "I'm okay to hit up the baby store today, I promise. And I promise that I would never, ever do anything that I thought would endanger the babies."

"Good," he answered happily as he pulled out onto the highway. Looking into her eyes, he could see how excited and determined she was to get as much shopping done as possible. This pregnancy had been anything but easy, and he knew she just wanted to get back to her life. He was a little worried that she was overdoing it a bit, but she didn't look tired and he knew she would stop when she was tired, so he didn't say anything. He was just glad that they were able to shop for the babies together.

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"Hey, Liv?" Alex asked, softly knocking on the bathroom door.

"Yeah?"

"Jess just called. She and Allen just bought a bunch of furniture and stuff for the nursery and she wants to know if we can come over and help them put it all together."

"I don't know how much help I'll be but sure."

"You'll be a lot of help," she said through the door. "She asked both of us to come for a reason, Liv." She walked over to the dresser and changed into work clothes. Jess had eagerly invited both of them, and Alex was grateful for that. It was important to keep Liv involved in everything, especially right now. Jess seemed to know that, too. The bathroom door opened slowly and Alex looked up, meeting Olivia's fearful eyes. She smiled warmly. "Jess apparently bought an absurd amount of clothes that'll need to be sorted. There's more than likely going to be a good deal of painting to be done. You can help hold things steady while we're putting the furniture together. Trust me, Liv, you won't be bored."

Olivia smiled and laced her fingers in between Alex's. "Thank you," she whispered.

"For what?"

"For treating me like a normal person."

Alex gave Olivia's hands a gentle squeeze and smiled. "You _are_ a normal person, Liv…at least as normal as anybody I know. You're just fighting cancer right now." She let go of Olivia's hands and handed her a change of clothes. "Let's get you changed so we can get over there. My niece has a huge list of things to be done and she's getting more and more pregnant every day."

They both laughed and stared lovingly into each other's eyes for several seconds before Olivia finally forced herself to turn away so she could get dressed. As she did so, she couldn't help but smile happily. Her friends were all treating her as they always had. The only difference now was that they more frequently asked how she was feeling and if she was okay. It was slightly annoying when it happened so often, but if this was the only change she saw in her friends, she wasn't going to complain.

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Casey took a few deep breaths before hesitantly knocking on Julia's door. When she didn't get a response, she knocked again, slightly harder this time. After a few seconds, she heard Julia mumble, so she entered the room. Julia was sitting on the middle of her bed, her nose in one of her schoolbooks. "Care to take a break for a minute?"

"I've got an exam on Monday. I need to study," she answered without even looking up.

"Well," Casey said, drawing the word out as she plopped herself onto the bed and shut Julia's book. Before the girl could respond however, Casey grinned. "Remember the girl Jess in the picture on my fireplace?"

Julia rolled her eyes angrily. She didn't want to stop studying right now, but Casey wasn't exactly doing much to help that. "Yeah. What about her?"

"She's having twins in a little over two months and right now she and her husband are trying to put together an apparently very complicated nursery."

"Your point?"

Casey shrugged. "She's going to need a lot of help putting everything together. She can't do much with her gigantic stomach. I figured if you were feeling up to it, you could spend your Saturday meeting some of my friends and having a good time." She playfully pushed her shoulder against Julia's. "It'll be fun, I promise."

Julia thought for a minute. She really just wanted to stay locked away in her bedroom and study. It was so much easier than trying to get out and meet new people. _Take baby steps_, she remembered her counselor saying. Casey had encouraged her to see one and had found her a really nice woman who apparently specialized in childhood traumas. The idea of seeing a psychologist wasn't exactly thrilling to her, but she'd been three times since moving in with the Novaks two weeks ago, and although she hadn't said much, she could tell it was going to help her a lot. She took a deep breath and looked up. "If I start getting tired or anything, can we come back?"

Casey smiled proudly and wrapped her arms around Julia's shoulders. "Absolutely. You just tell me if you're ready to leave and we'll leave, okay?"

Julia swallowed and nodded. "Okay."

"Change into some clothes that you don't mind getting paint on. Put on some of those sweats we picked up the other day. Those'll be perfect." She stood up and walked to the doorway. "You'll like these people, honey, I promise. They're good people."

"Yeah but will they like me?" Julia asked angrily, turning and walking over to her dresser. She pulled out her clothes and began changing with her back to Casey, not even caring that the woman was still in the room.

"They'll love you," Casey promised. She closed the door slowly and made her way downstairs. Steve was busily cooking a chicken casserole to bring with them for lunch. She walked up behind him and wrapped her arms around him. "She's coming with us," she whispered into his ear.

He spun around and smiled brightly. "You convinced her to come?"

She smiled proudly and nodded. "She's a little nervous about it, but she'll be okay. You know nobody's going to let her start feeling down. Jess'll have her so busy she'll forget to be upset."

He pushed her hair behind her ears and smiled lovingly. "You're an amazing woman, Casey. Do you know that? She's been with us two weeks and you're already working your magic."

"You sure she's not working her magic on me? She's one hell of an incredible kid herself. I'm glad she's coming with us. It's good to see that she's so devoted to her school work, but it's also great to see her gathering up the courage to get out and meet our friends."

Smiling and turning back around to pull the casserole out of the oven, he shook his head. "You did remember to warn her about our friends, didn't you? I mean, Jess especially. Julia's going to be in for a surprise when Jess just jumps in on her with things to do."

"I think Jess'll go a little slow with this one," Casey told him, making sure to keep an eye out for Julia so she didn't hear their conversation. "Jess knows when to be usually outgoing self and when to tone it down a bit. She'll still make Julia feel at home and want her to jump right in, but don't worry. I think it'll be okay."

"Good," he said, putting tinfoil over the casserole. Just as he did so, he saw Julia walking slowly into the kitchen, a nervous expression on her face. "It'll be fun," he assured her. "And don't worry. Our friends are going to love you."

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"Oh thank goodness you guys are here," Jess said exasperatedly as she ushered Steve, Casey, and Julia into the house. She quickly grabbed Steve's casserole and shut the door. "There's so much to do. Alex and Liv are already here. Go ahead and go head upstairs to the nursery. I'll put this in the oven to keep it warm and meet you guys up there."

As they made their way upstairs, Julia clung to Casey's hand. Her eyes were wide with worry, but she managed to hold herself together. She even managed a smile as she walked into the nursery and saw two women sitting on the floor together, looking at directions for a crib. They were both obviously wearing wigs, but the one on the right, with the darker hair, looked significantly thinner than the other, though both were definitely thinner than the average woman. "Hi," she said nervously, her voice barely above a whisper.

The blonde looked up first and smiled, and then the other one did the same. Olivia smiled when her eyes met Julia's and she saw the relief in the child's eyes when they recognized each other. "Glad you could make it," Olivia said eagerly. "Jess went crazy here and we need all the help we can get. Do you know anything about putting cribs together."

"I'm twelve years old. Why would I know anything about putting cribs together?"

"Good point," Olivia answered.

Julia sighed and walked over to look at the directions. "I helped put a crib together once for one of my foster brothers. I might be able to figure something out, but not by myself. These things are complicated as hell."

Casey raised her eyebrows at Julia's language but Alex shushed her before she could say anything. "If you can offer us any help that'd be great," she said encouragingly. "I'm Alex by the way. It's nice to finally meet you. Casey is just crazy about you, kid."

"What can I do to help?" she asked, trying to divert the conversation away from anything having to do with praising her. She wasn't really to hear complete strangers say things like that.

"Well to start with you can help us pull all the materials out to the center of the room," Olivia said. "There are a few pieces I'm sure Alex can't carry by herself and I can't really be much help there."

"How sick are you?"

Olivia smiled at Julia's bluntness and realized it was her turn to hush Casey before the woman could say anything. "I have breast cancer," she told her. "But I'm having surgery next week and hopefully after that I'll be okay."

"Oh," Julia said, shrugging and allowing that to be all she needed to know. She looked over at Alex, then back to Olivia. "She your girlfriend?"

"Yep."

"Cool."

"You gonna help me move these pieces or what?" Alex asked, struggling to move several large wooden pieces for the crib. "There's no way I'm lugging this thing all the way over there without your help."

Julia smiled and walked over to help Alex. As they carried all the pieces they would need to build one crib, she realized that Casey had been right. These people were all very caring and welcoming, and they certainly didn't treat her like some delicate little kid like most people did. It was an odd feeling, one that she wasn't used to, but as the three of them began putting the crib together, she realized that it was definitely a feeling that she could get used to.  
"You okay if Steve and I go talk to Jess for a minute?" Casey asked.

Julia looked up from the plans and nodded. "Go ahead. I think I've got this crib thing figured out. I don't think it'll be nearly as complicated as it looks."

"Well then, work away. I know Jess'll be relieved once these beds are put together. We'll be back up in a few minutes."

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"Well, she's putting the cribs together with Jess and Liv," Casey said when she and Steve walked into the kitchen and found Jess and Allen hard at work trying to cook enough food for everybody. "She went pretty willingly, too. Thanks for inviting us over today, Jess. I think she really needed to get out of the house."

Jess smiled and shrugged her shoulders. "I'm glad she's here, Case, and I'm glad that she came so willingly. I know I haven't really met her, and I apologize for just ushering you all upstairs so quickly after you got here, but I do plan on actually meeting the girl today."

Casey laughed and pulled the salad out of the fridge. "It's okay, you've got a hell of a lot going on right now. She was a little nervous about it, but she's fine. Go up there, give her a job you know she can do, and she'll be fine."

"Well, do you think she'll like painting stripes on the walls? I know it's a little tedious and boring, but I really can't reach up that high and she's on the tall side."

"That sounds great," Casey assured her. "That sounds really great."

Jess gave her a quick pat on the shoulder and quickly made her way upstairs. As soon as she walked into the room, her jaw dropped and her eyes widened. One crib was already finished and they were nearly done the second one. "Wow, you guys are incredible! How did you manage to get these things put together so quickly?"

Olivia smiled and cocked her head in Julia's direction. "This girl has experience in building cribs. She knew exactly how to follow those directions and everything." She gave Julia a friendly pat on the back and nodded. "You did good, kid."

"You did more than good, kid," Jess exclaimed, still in shock at how quickly the cribs were put together. "Any chance you're that good at painting? I want to get these walls done…if you're feeling up to it of course."

Julia smiled proudly and nodded. As scared as she had been to come over here this morning, she was glad Casey had pulled her out of her bedroom. It was still hard, and a part of her still wanted to craw into a hole and hide, but for the time being, she was able to push that part of her away and enjoy the afternoon. "I can paint if you need help."

Jess sighed with relief and plopped down onto the floor. "Fantastic. Allen and I already measured out all the stripes and drew them lightly in pencil. "We're thinking of doing every other one in green and keeping the others white. We've even got painting tape so you don't have to worry about getting the green on the white stripes."

"Sounds good. Where's the paint?" Julia asked eagerly.

Jess smiled and nearly started laughing at Julia's eagerness. "It's downstairs. Allen's probably finishing up the last bit of lunch. We'll eat, then we'll get to paining this room. Anybody hungry?"

"Starving," Alex said.

"Famished," Olivia replied.

"I guess so," Julia answered nervously. "Are Casey and Steve eating, too?"

"Yep," Jess said, slowly wrapping her arm around Julia's shoulders and smiling with relief when the girl returned the half-hug. "We've got a ton of food and we need help eating it. We don't want any leftovers."

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"Case," Steve whispered, gently shaking his sleeping wife. He shook her a little harder and said her name again, louder and more firmly. "Casey, honey, wake up. You need to wake up."

"Why?" she mumbled, refusing to open her eyes until he gave her a good reason for waking her in the middle of the night.

"Because someone's using the washing machine and you and I are both here in this bed."

Her eyes sprang open and she bolted out of bed. She quickly threw on her robe and slippers and ran to the door. "Today was probably too much for her. She really had to try hard to keep going and meeting everyone, and I know it couldn't have been easy to keep working all day. I pushed her too hard. I should have taken her home after lunch."

"Relax, Case. This isn't your fault, hon. You know she's got a lot in her past that she's trying to deal with. If anything, today was really good for her. You really helped her have a good time."

"How the hell do you always hear everything when I don't?"

"Because you sleep like a log," he answered, smiling. "Go take care of her, baby. Go work that magic of yours."

She nodded and made her way downstairs and towards the laundry room. She stopped at the corner and stuck her head around so she could see into the room. Julia was standing in front of the washing machine, trying desperately to shove her large comforter into it. "Let me help," she whispered gently as she slowly made her way into the room.

As soon as she heard Casey's voice, Julia dove for the corner and pulled her knees up to her chest as the tears began pouring from her eyes. "I'm sorry!" she cried out, terrified. "I'm so sorry! I swear I didn't mean to! I'm cleaning it up, I promise! I promise I'm cleaning it up!"

Casey had to swallow hard to fight her own tears as she knelt down in the doorway and tried to meet Julia's eyes. "It's okay, honey," she said gently. "What happened, sweetie?"

"I didn't mean to wet the bed! I swear I didn't! It was a really bad dream and I couldn't wake up and when I did the bed was wet so I got up to clean the sheets and I promise I didn't mean to wet it! I really didn't mean to-"

Casey very slowly made her way over to Julia and wrapped her arms around the hysterical child. She could tell that Julia had already changed her clothes, and that the clothes and sheets were probably already in the washer. "It's okay, sweetie. I promise, it's okay."

"Am I in trouble?"

"Not at all. This was an accident."

"You're not going to punish me?"

"No, I'm not going to punish you."

"What about Steve? Is going to make me take my clothes off and-"

"No," Casey interrupted firmly. "He will never, ever make you do that, I promise." She wrapped her arms tighter around Julia and pulled her close. They sat there on the floor until Julia couldn't cry any more. She wiped her eyes and sat up, pulling herself out of Casey's arms.

"I should get the wash started. It'll take a while to finish and I'm pretty tired. I'd like to be able to get back to sleep tonight before we have to wake up tomorrow morning."

Casey stopped her as soon as she got to the washing machine. "We have extra bedding, Julia. The comforter won't fit in there anyway. It's not a large capacity washer. We'll get your clothes and sheets in here and we'll worry about the comforter tomorrow."

"You have extra sheets?"

"Yep."

"I don't have to stay up and wait until these are all done washing and drying?"

"Nope."

"Okay," she said softly, following Casey upstairs after they had started the washer. She couldn't believe she wasn't being punished for this. She'd been punished every time she'd wet the bed after what Jennings had done. All of her foster parents had found various ways of punishing her, and they had all included forcing her to stay awake and clean up after herself. Why was Casey being so helpful now? It was an odd thing to experience, but she decided to let it go for the time being. She was exhausted and desperately wanted to get back to bed.

"There," Casey said softly as she put the final pillow onto the bed. "Hop on in and get back to sleep."

Julia climbed into the bed and curled into a ball. Her breathing quickened as she went to close her eyes and she realized that she was clinging desperately to the comforter, which Casey had lovingly draped over her. Fighting tears, she rolled over and looked pleadingly at Casey. "Can you stay here for a little while…at least until I fall asleep? Please? It's okay if you can't or don't want to. I mean, I know I might wet the bed again but I've never done that twice in one night and I'm so sorry-"

"I'll stay all night if you want me to," Casey whispered, climbing under the covers and wrapping her arms around Julia. "Get some sleep, honey." She kissed the top of Julia's head and pulled the young girl close. "You're safe, sweetie, and I'll be right here when you wake up, I promise. I'll be right here."

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Okay, there, y'all got a long chapter since it took me so long to update. Hope you enjoyed it :)

Oh, and who else liked Casey's comment in last week's episode. I don't remember it word for word but it was something like "And the defense could argue that a spaceship landed and a giant pumpkin squashed her." Or something like that. I love Casey :)


	34. Forever Sounds Perfect

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

Yeah, it's been a long time since I've updated…again. I apologize (again). It's the end of the semester and all the professors are slamming me with projects, papers, etc. I've got finals next week, so hopefully after that my life will calm down enough for me to update more than once a week (at best).

And I found the quote I alluded to in my last chapter…I now love Casey Novak even more than before.

The defense can argue that during the missing sections of the tape, an alien spaceship came down and squashed the girl with a giant pumpkin.

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"Are you sure you're not mad at me?" Julia asked, pulling her bagel out of the toaster and smothering it with cream cheese. "It's okay if you are. I mean, I dragged you out of bed and you washed my sheets. Not to mention the fact that I kept you away from Steve all night."

Casey poured two glasses of orange juice and followed Julia out to the dining room. Taking a seat across from her, Casey shook her head. "I'm not at all mad at you, and neither is Steve. Remember what Robyn told you the other day?"

Julia sighed. "Baby steps, I know. I went over to Jess' yesterday with you and Steve and helped everyone decorate. I'd say that was a pretty big baby step."

"That wasn't a big baby step. That was a big step," Casey said, laughing softly as she saw a small smile creep onto Julia's face. "Do you remember what else she told you…about what sometimes happens to kids who have been hurt like you have?"

Julia looked down at her plate and closed her eyes. She really didn't want to be having this conversation right now. The nightmare last night had been hard enough, now Casey was making her talk about stuff. She wished she could just bottle everything up inside and pretend like it never happened. Still, even with her eyes closed, she could feel Casey staring at her, waiting for an answer. _Talk to her_, Robyn had encouraged during their last session. _I can't be the only one you talk to, especially if you don't really talk to me. Talk to Casey, Julia. Talk to her._ She sighed and bit her lower lip. "She said it's not unusual for them to wet the bed."

"Exactly," Casey started proudly, but was quickly interrupted by Julia, who flung her plate off the table, sending it flying across the room and into the wall, shattering into pieces.

"But I'm not a kid!" she screamed, standing up so quickly that she knocked her chair over. "I'm twelve years old!" she shook her head and walked over to where the broken pieces had landed. As she began to pick them up, she closed her eyes. "How many twelve-year-olds do you know that wet the bed?"

Casey walked over and helped Julia clean up the broken pieces. "How many twelve-year-olds do you know that have been through what you've been through?" when Julia sighed and sat down, leaning against the wall, Casey sat beside her and pulled her close. "You have been through so much in your short twelve years. You have seen more pain and horror than most people see in their entire lifetime. I hope that now you're beginning to see that there really are good people in the world, too." When Julia gave a slight nod of agreement, Casey continued. "This is a hard time for you right now…the upcoming case, all these recent moves, and all the other crap that I wish you didn't have to deal with. Your mind must be going crazy right now trying to figure everything out. This isn't something that anybody can just make go away, and I'm sorry to say that it will always be with you. The good news is that with time, it will become less and less a part of you. It'll hold less power over you. There is a light at the end of this tunnel, and I promise it's not just an oncoming train."

"It's you," Julia whispered.

"What?"

Julia sat up and took a few deep breaths. "You're the light at the end of my tunnel. You're the one who put Mr. Jennings in jail. You're the one who's going to put Mr. Warren in jail. You're the one who's giving me a permanent place to live." She smiled and rested her head against Casey's shoulder. "You're the reason I'm glad my suicide attempt failed."

Casey had to use nearly every ounce of strength in her body to keep from crying. She didn't want to collapse into a sobbing mess in front of the girl. "You are an incredible young woman, Julia. I love you very much. You know that, right?"

Julia looked away and picked up the last few pieces of the broken plate. She didn't want to hear Casey praise her right now, especially right after she'd thrown a plate across the room. She should be getting in trouble, not receiving praises. "I'm sorry I screamed at you and broke your plate. You can send me to bed without dinner tonight if you want."

"I'm not sending you to bed hungry," Casey said firmly, following Julia into the kitchen and throwing the broken pieces into the garbage can. "That's a punishment that I've never agreed with. We do, however, need to come up with something. I can't have you screaming and throwing plates across the room every time you get upset."

"You want me to fuck your husband?" Julia asked defiantly.

"No," Casey replied firmly, completely taken aback by Julia's sudden mood change. She had been told that sudden mood changes were something to be expected, and would probably happen more often during discussions of punishment and consequences. Casey took a deep breath and looked Julia in the eyes. "That will never be a punishment. You're safe here, Julia." She paused for a few seconds, allowing her voice to calm a bit. "I'm thinking maybe you ought to do the dishes for the next three days…and I mean _all _the dishes, not just the dinner ones. Get up a few minute early and do the breakfast ones, too."

"Seriously? That's it? You're not spanking me or locking me in a closet or grounding me for a month?"

Casey sighed and motioned for Julia to sit with her on the couch in the living room. She patted Julia's thigh and took a deep breath. "We will never spank you, and we will never lock you in a closet. Most importantly, Steve will never, ever hurt you. There are consequences for wrong behaviors, but those consequences will always fit the crimes. They will never be too harsh or too large, I promise."

"So I really just have to do the dishes for the next three days and that's it?"

"That's it."

"Wow, that's…"

"We love you," Casey told her. "We want you to feel safe here. Steve and I are doing our best to give you everything you need. We want you to grow up to be a happy young woman. Hopefully we're doing okay." She smiled and gently rubbed Julia's back. "We love you so very much."

Julia desperately wanted to tell Casey that she loved her too, but she was too scared. It was exactly how she was feeling, but the thought of uttering those three words was terrifying. Instead, she picked up her school bag and slung it over her shoulder. "I should go. I don't want to miss the bus."

Casey walked her to the door and smiled sadly as Julia rounded the corner and disappeared from view. It was so hard to see the child that she loved with all of her heart in this much pain. Still, in just the short time that Julia had been there, Casey had already seen a small change. The girl's defenses were breaking down and she was even starting to express her feelings. It wasn't going to be easy, and they were probably going to have a million more fights like the one they'd had today, but it was going to get better. Casey was sure of that.

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"Geez, Casey, you look like you haven't slept in weeks," Alex said worriedly as Casey slowly made her way into the office. "Are you okay?"

Casey sat down at her desk and sighed. "I'm exhausted. It was kind of a rough night with Julia and we had one hell of a long talk this morning. I'm already drained and I haven't even started work yet."

"Was it worth it?"

"Absolutely."

Alex grinned as Casey answered happily. "Spill, Case."

"What?"

"You've got a huge smile on your face and I have a feeling Julia did or said something to put it there. Am I right?"

"It's silly," Casey said, grinning in embarrassment.

"What is it?" Alex asked eagerly. "You're obviously happy about it. What did she say?"

Casey smiled and shook her head. Alex's enthusiasm was contagious. "She was upset after…last night," she said, not wanting to betray Julia and tell Alex everything that had happened. "I assured her that there really was a light at the end of the tunnel and that it's not just an oncoming train."

"And?"

Casey sighed. "And she told me that I was the light at the end of her tunnel."

"Aww, Casey," Alex said excitedly as she stood up and walked over to Casey's desk. "That must have felt so wonderful. That girl really loves you…for her to open up and say something like that…Case, you really must be doing everything right."

Casey shrugged and frowned. "It was incredible to hear her say that. She kept showering me with praises, but she fought me and changed the subject every time I tried to praise her."

Alex sat on the edge of Casey's desk and met the woman's eyes. "I fought Olivia all the time, too," she admitted softly. "Accepting her love meant opening up and taking huge risks. There were no guarantees, in my mind, that she wasn't going to hurt me. It's the same for Julia. She probably wants to believe you and love you back, but with all the hurt that's in her past, she's scared. Don't stop telling her that you love her. No matter how much she fights you, she still hears you." Alex smiled and thought back to the beginning of her relationship with Olivia, when she had always pushed Olivia away whenever she saw the woman praising her. She nodded her head slowly. "She still hears you," she said again.

Casey smiled as she watched Alex walk back to her desk. The fact that the woman was so easily able to share intimate pieces of herself was amazing to witness. It was proof that the human spirit really was strong and that, with the help of loving friends and family, a person really can overcome seemingly impossible odds. Casey sighed and realized she really needed to start working. "How's your case against Warren coming along?"

"We're still trying to piece together all the evidence. He's officially been charged with three counts of rape and three counts of kidnapping, since he bought the girls rather than taking them in as foster kids. With all the paperwork and everything that still needs to be done, I think the trial will probably start in five or six months."

Casey raised her eyebrows in surprise. "That soon, huh? You really are good at this."

Alex smiled modestly and looked down at her notes. "I still need to talk to Julia. She's going to have to get up there on the stand this time. She's not going to have someone fall apart during a first interview and send the defendant into a hissy fit which lands him in jail like she did with Jennings."

Casey was about to reprimand her, saying that it wasn't her fault she had collapsed on the stand, when she saw that Alex was smiling. She was actually making fun of herself. She shook her head and smiled. "How soon do you need to talk to her?"

"The sooner the better. She needs all the time we can possibly give her. Sitting on that witness stand and telling a room full of strangers what happened to you is absolutely terrifying, especially for a child. I want to give her as much of a heads up as possible."

Casey frowned and looked at the woman sitting across the room. "I'm sorry you didn't have much of a heads up."

"You gave me as much of one as you possibly could, Case. You did one hell of a fantastic job, too. Besides, as scary as it is to sit in that witness stand, it feels really great to have a lawyer that you love and trust working for you."

Casey smiled warmly and blushed at Alex's praise. "Well I doubt you'll have a problem with Julia because there's no way she'll be able to keep from loving or trusting you."

"I hope so."

"You're a great lawyer Alex, and an even better person. Julia's going to adore you. She warmed up pretty quickly when she was at Jess', remember? She's going to trust you, I know she will."

Alex smiled and put her pen down. "What do you say we go out to lunch? My treat."

"You're not having lunch with Liv?"

"Elliot's taking her out. I hope he can convince her to hurry up and get better because Dani's a complete idiot and so not capable of handling this job. I tell her that every day but I don't seem to be getting through to her."

Casey laughed. "Neither do I. Maybe Elliot'll be lucky today."

"So, lunch?"

"Lunch sounds good."

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"So, you and Dani kissed, huh?" Olivia asked Elliot, somewhat angrily, as they sat down and began looking over their menus.

Elliot took a very nervous deep breath and nodded. "Yeah."

"Did you forget that you have a wife and four children at home?" she asked angrily. "Elliot, that woman almost left you once because you were never home. Why the hell would you give her another reason? What the hell were you thinking?"

"I wasn't!" he yelled, slamming his fork down onto the table. "I don't know what happened…I just…I kissed her. We got caught up in the heat of the moment and…" he shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. "This is why I need you back, Liv."

Olivia smirked and raised her eyebrows. "You need me back because you kissed your new partner and you know that once I'm back, that won't happen…because I'll kick your ass if your lips ever get close to mine?"

"It's not that," Elliot replied, a small smile creeping onto his face. He looked up at her and his smile grew. Despite the fact that she was going in for a double mastectomy in two days, Olivia still managed to keep a smile on her face. It was great to see her so happy, especially when this cancer had nearly destroyed everything for her. "I want you back because when it comes to this job, you're my other half. When we're chasing someone or sneaking up on them, I don't have to worry about what you're doing. I know you've got my back. You're the best partner I've ever had, Liv."

"Dani's really not working out, huh?"

"She's a good person. She's just…she keeps getting too close."

Olivia nodded. "Has she had any luck finding a new apartment?"

Elliot shrugged. "She found a little place not too far away. A lot of her furniture was destroyed though, so it's pretty empty. She's keeping her eyes open for things though."

"That's good…that she found a place I mean."

"Yeah," he whispered softly. Several minutes passed and the silence eventually became unbearably awkward. "We all miss you, Liv," he said gently. "We all want you back. Dani…she's okay, but she's not you. We need you, Liv. You'd better come back to work once you're well enough."

"Well as soon as the doctor says I'm good to go, I'll be sitting at my desk. I miss all of you, too…even Munch. I can't wait to see what's happened to the place while I've been gone."

Elliot smiled and reached across the table, giving her hand a gentle, friendly squeeze. "Good, and the sooner you get back, the better. Dani's driving everybody crazy. She's even got Casey talking about space ships and giant pumpkins."

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"Two more days," Olivia whispered as she stood in front of the mirror and removed her shirt. "It still doesn't feel real. I just can't believe that in two days I'm going to lose my breasts forever."

Alex very slowly walked up behind Olivia and wrapped her arms around Olivia's waist. "I love you," she whispered into Olivia's ear. "I love you so, so much."

"How do you think everyone's going to react?"

Alex pulled Olivia closer and kissed the back of her head. "They're going to love you like they've always loved you," she answered softly. "That's not going to change a bit."

Olivia managed a smile as their eyes met through the mirror. "As scared as I am, I'm also ready." She turned around to face Alex. "I nearly let this ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me. I want to be done with it so I can get on with my life."

Alex pulled Olivia onto the bed with her and wrapped the blanket around them. She held Olivia close and gently ran her fingers through Olivia's hair. "It would have taken a lot more than your fighting me for me to leave you. I think I probably fought you a hell of a lot harder than you fought me." she lightly kissed Olivia's forehead and pulled Olivia as close as possible. "You and me…we're meant for each other. We're going to be together forever."

Olivia smiled and nestled her head into the crook of Alex's neck. "Forever sounds perfect."

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	35. Something's Wrong

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

I have finals this week. Y'all are lucky you're getting this update :)

After this week though, I won't be too busy, so I should be able to update at least once a week, and probably more than that. I miss writing like I used to. Stupid school keeping me busy all the time…

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"So, you've been living with the Novaks for almost four weeks now," Robyn spoke softly as Julia tried to get comfortable on the couch. "How have things been going?"

Julia shrugged. "They're going okay."

"Just okay?"

"The Novaks are really nice," she admitted softly.

"But?"

"Nothing," Julia said as she looked down to her lap. "They're just really nice, that's all."

Robyn smiled warmly and leaned forward so she could meet Julia's eyes. She'd met a lot of kids who had been through unspeakable horrors, and Julia was by far one of the most determined young girls she'd ever seen. It was incredible to witness a child who had been through so much finally trying to take a stand and move on with her life. "What kinds of things do you do together?"

"Casey takes me bowling every Friday night."

"That sounds like a lot of fun."

Julia smiled excitedly. "We won our last two games – we're in a league. She was really bad when we first started, but she's gotten a lot better now. She really likes bowling now that she knows what she's doing."

"Yeah? What else do you do with them?"

"Casey cooks me breakfast every morning and helps me study for school," she said, sighing and biting her lower lip. "Nobody's ever really done this kind of stuff for me before."

"Sounds like she really cares about you."

"I guess so."

"Do you care about her?"

"She's nice."

"You've already told me that," Robyn said softly, offering Julia a small smile. "Now tell me how you really feel about her. Tell me how you really feel about living with the Novaks."

Julia rolled her eyes. "I did!" she yelled. "She's really nice and they both treat me really well and I like living there. What else do you want me to tell you?"

"I want to know how you _really_ feel about living with them," Robyn answered, her voice softening. She smiled and gave Julia an encouraging nod. "Talk about how you _really_ feel."

Julia took a deep breath and held it for several seconds. She had to talk. She had to open up and let herself go. Otherwise, she wasn't going to get any better, and she certainly wasn't going to be happy. She looked over at Robyn and sighed. "I really like Casey. She's the only person who's ever really cared about me. She…she treats me like I'm her own daughter, not like some worthless foster kid."

"How does that make you feel?"

Julia looked down to her lap and closed her eyes. "Like…like maybe – maybe someone really does care about me, like it's possible for someone to love me. She makes me feel important." She looked up and sighed. "She's the only one I've ever met who doesn't get mad when I wake up screaming in the middle of the night either. That makes me feel like…I don't know. It's not something I've ever felt before, but I like it."

Robyn nodded encouragingly. "And what about Steve?"

Julia shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She folded her hands into her lap and nervously tapped her foot. "He's really nice too," she managed to force out. "It's just hard. After Mr. Jennings and Mr. Warren…I mean, Steve promises he'll never hurt me like they did, and I want to believe him, but…I'm scared. I know Casey would never let him hurt me, and I think I'm pretty sure he's safe, but I'm still scared to be alone with him."

Robyn let out a quiet sigh of relief. In only one month of therapy, Julia was already opening up and beginning to heal. She smiled warmly and stood up. "Well how about we try something this week? How about you try to spend some time with Steve – even if you need Casey there with you during that time? Try to talk to him a little every day, and see where you can go from there." She walked Julia to the door and placed a gentle hand on her back. "You did great today. Keep up the good work. I'll see you next week."

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Casey sat down across from Robyn and held her breath. "How's she doing?" she asked nervously. It had been discussed and agreed upon that after Julia's sessions, Casey would come in and talk to Robyn. She promised Julia she wouldn't talk about the specifics or anything, and that she just wanted to make sure everything was okay. "She seems a little happier," Casey said optimistically.

"She is," Robyn agreed. She looked over her notes for several seconds before looking back up to Casey. "She's doing amazingly well for someone in her position. I don't think I've ever seen a child go through what she's been through. The fact that she's still able to smile and talk about life and the goodness in it is amazing."

"Even since she's moved in with us I've seen a change. It's…she still waits to be invited downstairs for meals and she doesn't do anything without asking us first." Casey gave a slight laugh. "I mean, usually that's a good thing, but sometimes she even asks if she can go to the bathroom. I want so badly to just wrap her in my arms and convince her that everything's going to be okay, but I can't."

"That's something she's going to have to learn from her environment." Robyn smiled as she locked eyes with Casey. "What I can tell you, however, is that Julia really cares about you. Whatever it is you're doing with her, keep doing it."

Casey shook her head in protest. "I'm not doing anything really! I'm just treating her like my own daughter."

Robyn smiled. "That's probably more love than she's ever seen, too. You took her in at a time when nobody else would. You showed her love at a time when she only saw hate. You gave her a place to call home. Don't sell yourself short, Ms. Novak. You're doing an amazing thing here."

"She's still terrified of spending time with Steve. I mean, she's usually okay if I'm in the room and chatting as well, but she doesn't really talk to him, and she absolutely refuses to be alone with him. If we're in the living room watching a movie or playing a game or something and I leave to go to the bathroom, she follows me into the hallway and stands right outside the bathroom door. How do I help her with this?"

"You keep doing what you're doing. Encourage her to talk to him while you're around and whatever you do, do _not_ force her to do anything. She'll move at whatever pace she's comfortable with and you're just going to have to move with her."

"That doesn't seem like enough. I feel like there should be more that I should be doing."

"You're doing more for her than anyone else ever has. Remember that when you're tucking her into bed tonight. Remember where she was before she met you, and look at where she is now. Then look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that she is where she is because of you."

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"Do you have everything you need?" Alex asked softly as Olivia zipped up her suitcase. "I talked with the doctors and made all the necessary arrangements. You've got your own room for three days. That should be plenty of time to recuperate."

Olivia closed her eyes and sat down on the bed. "This is really it, huh? It's really time."

Alex sat down next to her and held her hand gently. "Yeah, baby, it's time." She sat there, holding Olivia's hand, for what felt like forever. She hated to see the woman she loved in so much pain. _I would do anything to take this away from you baby,_ she thought to herself. Slowly, she stood up and gently pulled Olivia with her. "I took the whole week off, and I'll be right by your side the entire time, I promise."

"This is going to be pretty expensive, isn't it? I mean, I know I've got decent coverage working at the station for so long and everything, but three days in the hospital just for a mastectomy? They never do that. How much did you spend, Alex?"

"Don't even go there, Liv," Alex warned softly as they slowly made their way towards the door. "Yes I had to pull a few strings and spend a good deal of money, but you're more than worth it. There was no way in hell I'd let them just kick you out right after the surgery." She wrapped her arm around Olivia's shoulders and walked her out to the car. "You're worth it, Liv. Don't question this and don't fight it. Just let it be."

Olivia took a deep breath as she climbed into the car. She couldn't remember a time in her life that she had been more scared than she was at this moment. Her entire body was shaking and she tried to wrap her arms around herself in order to get it to stop. She smiled in embarrassment as Alex climbed into the car. "I don't want to do this."

Alex pulled out of the driveway and gently squeezed Olivia's hand. "I know, baby. I don't want you to have to do it, but it's the only way to get you better. It's the only way we can spend forever with each other." She wiped away a few tears and took her eyes off the road long enough to smile lovingly into Olivia's eyes. "I love you, and I am not going to stop loving you. I want to grow old with you, Olivia. Please, baby, please don't worry too much about this surgery. I know it's hard, and I can't imagine what you're going through right now, but please know that nothing is going to change between us. You're still going to be the most beautiful woman in the world."

Olivia returned the gentle squeeze and wiped away her tears. "Thank you," she whispered. "There's no way I would have been able to get through this alone." She managed a weak smile and nodded slowly. "I really want to have this surgery so I can get better and we can get on with our lives. I guess I just…I'm still a little scared about how everyone's going to react and everything."

Alex smiled warmly. "Nobody's going to feel any differently, Liv. Take a look around at the people in our lives. We have got to be two of the luckiest women in the world to be surrounded by the friends we have. We all love you, Liv, and we're all going to love you just the same when you wake up."

"You're right," Olivia whispered, sighing as she looked out the window. She took several deep breaths and smiled. "You're absolutely right. I need to do this, and I need to go in there ready." She paused for several seconds and squeezed Alex's hand. "Thank you. I really needed a little talk like this one."

"You're more than welcome, baby. I love you so much."

"I love you, too."

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"How about we have a night out?" Steve asked excitedly as they climbed into the car after Julia's therapy session. "I'm thinking maybe dinner and then bowling. It's always fun later at night. They turn out the main lights and light up colorful ones. What do you two say?"

Julia looked nervously at Casey, who in turn gave her an encouraging nod and nudged her playfully. She took a deep breath and looked straight at Steve. "That, um, that sounds like a good idea. Where should we eat?"

Steve raised his eyebrows in surprise, but quickly hid it and smiled. "I think that's entirely up to you, Julia. As of tomorrow, you'll have lived with us for one full month. I think that's reason to celebrate. Your choice, Julia. Where would you like to eat?"

She looked down to the ground and shifted her feet uncomfortably. _Talk to him a little bit everyday_, Robyn had said only a few hours earlier. "I was thinking maybe…Hard Rock Café? I've never been there before."

"Then the Hard Rock it is," he said happily.

"Hey, Steve?"

"Yeah, Julia?"

Julia smiled weakly and looked into his eyes. The love she saw in them warmed her heart. She'd never seen a man look at her the way he was looking at her. His eyes were telling her he would never hurt her – she was safe. She took a slight step back, away from him and towards Casey, and held her breath. "Thank you."

He cocked his head to the side and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "For what?"

"For being patient," she said, nervously grabbing Casey's hand, praying she wasn't making a complete fool out of herself. She felt Casey give her a firm squeeze and she shook her head. "I know I haven't really done much with you and everything. I just…thanks for not getting upset. I, um…I know you won't hurt me. I just, I need some time to figure things out and convince myself that you're safe."

For a second, Steve thought he was dreaming. The words coming out of Julia's mouth couldn't have been real. She had barely said two sentences since she'd moved in, and now she was thanking him? He met her eyes and smiled lovingly. "You're an amazing young girl, Julia. You've come a long way since you moved in with Casey and I. Take all the time you need to figure everything out." He smiled and took Casey's hand, his smile growing even wider when he felt Julia hesitantly take his other one. He gave it a very gentle, comforting squeeze, and started walking towards the car. "Right now, how about we go get something to eat and play a few rounds of bowling?"

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"Ms. Benson," the doctor said softly as he stood by her bed. "I'm going to stick this needle in your arm and you're going to fall asleep shortly. Just tell me when you're ready, okay?"

Olivia nodded and turned towards Alex, who was sitting in a chair next to the bed, her hands gently holding Olivia's. "Thanks for being here," she whispered, squeezing Alex's hands. She looked back over to the doctor and nodded. "I'm ready. Stick that needle in my arm, doc."

Alex squeezed Olivia's hands and leaned in to kiss her softly. She cupped Olivia's face and rested her forehead against Olivia's. "I'm right here, baby," she whispered, tracing Olivia's cheekbones with her thumbs. She wiped away a few tears falling down Olivia's cheeks and smiled. "You're going to do great. You're going to make it through this surgery and you're going to be cancer-free. You're going to have a fast recovery and we're going to live happily ever after." She wiped away a few of her own tears as the doctor gently pushed the needle into Olivia's arm. "I love you. Close your eyes and sleep. I'll be right here when you wake up. I love you so much, Olivia. I love you so much."

"I love you, too, Alex," Olivia whispered, the medication already starting to take effect. With a bit of effort, she managed to pull Alex's hands off her face and laced their fingers together. "Please don't leave me," she said groggily, finally closing her eyes and falling asleep.

"Never," Alex said firmly, leaning down and kissing her softly. "The doctors are going to take good care of you and I'll be right here when you wake up baby. You just rest and let the doctors do their work. When you wake up, you'll see me, and I'll be right here, holding you close and loving you more than you could possibly imagine."

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"This place is really neat," Julia exclaimed as they all sat down at the table. She looked around at all the memorabilia and smiled. "I never knew they collected stuff like this. There's so much history here!" She took a deep breath and looked at both of them. "Are you sure it's okay that we're out celebrating right now? I mean, your friend's having her surgery tonight isn't she?"

"It's okay," Steve said softly. "Yes, she's having her surgery, and Casey is planning on visiting her as soon as she feels up to visitors. Right now though, we're celebrating your one month anniversary of moving in with us."

"Really? That's okay?"

"It's what she would want us to do," Casey told her. "Liv's not the kind of person who would want us to just sit around and wait for her. She'd be pretty upset if she found out we didn't go out tonight. She knows how important you are to us, and she'd do everything she could to make sure we celebrated every milestone we reach."

"She sounds like a good friend."

"She is."

Julia nodded, accepting Casey and Steve's explanation and began looking over the menu. The music in the background was a little distracting, but she didn't mind. In fact, she kind of liked it. "They play some pretty good songs here," she said after a few minutes.

Casey laughed and shook her head. "Their food's pretty good, too. I, for one, love their burgers. That plus they play great music all the time. I love singing along while we're waiting for our food."

"You sing along while you're waiting?"

"Sometimes."

"And nobody gets mad at you?"

"Well, I don't sing loudly," Casey said modestly. "Just loud enough that I can hear myself. I know I would hate it if I heard someone singing at the top of their lungs, so I keep it pretty quiet. I'm not disrupting anybody –"

"Except me," Steve interrupted playfully. He smiled and looked over at Julia. "Casey loves to sing, but she's completely tone deaf. Sometimes it's better to just sing along with her rather than listening to it."

Casey laughed and smacked his chest. "I'm not that bad," she said, smiling as he raised his eyebrows in protest. "Okay, maybe I am, but at least I have fun while I'm doing it, right?"

He leaned over and kissed her. "Right. Want to start singing along?"

Casey cocked her head so she could hear what was playing. "Walk the line, huh?" she asked playfully. She looked over at Julia and could tell the child didn't know the song at all. She was about to decline Steve's offer when Julia smiled.

"Go ahead," Julia encouraged. "Enjoy yourselves. This dinner isn't just about me, you know. You two need to have a good time, too. If singing along to whatever song this is will make for an enjoyable evening, then sing along. I don't mind."

Steve and Casey locked eyes and thought for a minute, then smiled and eagerly began singing along. They laughed through the verses where they messed up the lyrics, and stared lovingly into each other's eyes as they sang the verses they did know. By the time was over, they were nearly in hysterics.

"We need to do karaoke one of these days," Casey said.

"We should."

"You guys should pick a song you actually know though," Julia chimed in, a sly smile on her face. All of a sudden, her face lit up as she cocked her head and listened to the next song. "I know this song!" she exclaimed excitedly. She grabbed Casey's hand and shook it. "Come on, sing it with me. I don't want to look like a complete idiot."

Casey and Steve looked at Julia and shook their heads in surprise. She really was starting to live life and move on with everything. They nodded and quickly joined her, singing along to _Sweet Child of Mine_ as they waited for their food to arrive. It was incredible to witness Julia completely let herself go and just belt out the lyrics to the song. Steve reached under the table and gently squeezed Casey's hand. She looked over at him and squeezed back, giving him a sly wink before she returned her gaze to Julia and continued singing. It was quickly turning into a night they would remember forever.

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"I hope Liv and Alex are okay," Jess said, snuggling close to Allen as he climbed into bed next to her. "This has got to be so hard for the two of them. I can't even imagine what they must be feeling right now."

"I'm sure they're fine," Allen whispered, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close. "They have each other and they're going to be just fine. Alex'll make sure Olivia doesn't let this bother her too much. What do you say we go pay them a visit when Liv's feeling up to it?"

She smiled weakly and turned to face him. "I'd like that. We're going to need to bring over all the food we cooked them anyways. Alex said Liv was going to stay in the hospital for three days so she could recover. I guess we'll bring it over once they get back home."

"Sounds like a plan to me." He kissed her forehead and smiled as he placed his hand on her stomach. "You'll be seven months pregnant in two days. We're getting so close. I'm so excited."

She grinned and placed her hand over his. "I am, too. I can't wait to have these two in my arms…even if they're screaming. I just want to hold them and love them."

He sighed happily and closed his eyes. "You're going to make a wonderful mother, Jess. These kids are going to be so lucky."

She smiled, but just as she was about to close her eyes, she felt a sharp pain shooting through her side. She winced a little, then felt it again. "Ouch," she whispered softly, feeling it intensify.

"What?" Allen asked. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know, I –" she stopped, the pain moving towards her stomach and nearly taking the breath out of her. It felt like she was being stabbed repeatedly. "I need to go to the bathroom. Help me up."

He was a little concerned, but he didn't want to jump to conclusions, so he helped her out of bed and walked her to the bathroom, frowning as she closed the door in his face. "Honey? You okay?"

She didn't answer. Instead, she walked over to the toilet and pulled down her pants. She nearly screamed when she saw the blood running down her legs. Panic quickly overtook her and she sunk to the ground. "ALLEN!" she screamed. "Call the doctor! Something's wrong!"

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Okay, yes, it's a cliffhanger. Y'all should know by now that I'm horribly good at leaving you with nasty ones. I've got my finals to attend to now, so it'll be probably five or six days before I can update again.

Wish me luck!


	36. Babies

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

Finals are over!!!

I can update a little more frequently now!!!

And y'all are amazing with your reviews. Thank you so much!!!

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"You're going to be okay honey," Allen assured her as the EMTs loaded her onto the gurney. He wasn't sure if he believed his own words – there had been a lot of blood on the bathroom floor – but he needed to say them. He followed the EMTs outside and was grateful when they allowed him to ride with them. He took her hand and squeezed it tight. "Everything's going to be okay."

"How far along is she?" the EMT asked as he began monitoring her blood pressure and did his best to stop the bleeding. When Allen didn't respond, the EMT frowned and looked over at him. "Sir, how far along –"

"Seven months tomorrow!" Allen yelled. He could have sworn he saw worry in the young EMT's eyes. "Is she in labor? Oh, God, you have to stop it! It's too soon! Don't let her go into labor!"

"Allen shut up and let him do his work!" Jess screamed. She was in excruciating pain, and she had never been more terrified in her life. She tried to take slow, deep breaths as she clung to Allen's hand. "Please," she begged. "Please save my babies."

Her eyes closed as soon as the words were out of her mouth. It took Allen several seconds to realize that she'd lost consciousness, but once he did, he began to panic. He shook her hand and screamed her name, only to be met with a loud tone coming from one of the machines.

"Lost a pulse!" the EMT shouted as he shoved Allen out of the way and ripped open Jess' shirt. "Sir, I need you to sit back and stay out of my way if you want me to save your wife and your children."

Allen watched in horror as the EMT grabbed the paddles, placed them on her chest, and shocked her. He flinched each time it happened. Once. Twice. Three times.

"She's back!" the EMT yelled, putting away the paddles. He began to pump more medication into her iv and monitor her vitals. "Drive faster, Marty. This girl ain't gonna make it much longer if she doesn't get to a doctor!"

Allen reached over and grabbed Jess' hand, giving it a firm squeeze. "Hang on, baby," he encouraged softly. "We're almost there. Just hang on a little while longer. Just hang on, Jess." He looked up at the EMT, fear in his eyes, and begged him with all his might. "You have to help her. Please, just help her and the babies. Please don't let them die. I don't know what I'd do if they died."

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Casey paced nervously back and forth across the living room, nervously waiting for Julia to get off the bus. She found herself wiping the sweat off her hands and onto her pants. She kept looking at her watch, begging it to slow down. This was not a conversation she was looking forward to having. Suddenly, the door flew open and a very confused Julia walked in.

"Casey? What are you doing here so early? You're not usually home until five."

"I, um, I took the afternoon off," she said anxiously, diverting her eyes away from the young girl. "Come over here and have a seat on the couch with me. I need to talk to you about something."

Julia froze as her eyes widened in horror. Her jaw dropped as she planted her feet, ready to run away at any moment. "You're sending me away now? What'd I do? Why are you sending me away? I thought you liked me!"

Before Julia could take off up the stairs, Casey grabbed her and pulled her onto the couch. "We're not sending you anywhere," she said firmly, wrapping her arms around Julia and pulling her closer. "We're not sending you anywhere." She suddenly felt bad about not making that clear in the beginning. "You have a home now," she said softly. "You have a home, and you are very much loved."

"Then what do we need to talk about?"

Casey sighed. "The trial against Mr. Warren and Beth."

Julia swallowed and looked away. She hated talking about what that man had done to her. She hated it almost as much as she hated talking about what Mr. Jennings had done to her. "Why do you want to talk about the trial?"

Casey took a deep breath and let it out as slowly as she possibly could. "Because you need to be as prepared as possible and…Julia, I um, I'm not going to be the one prosecuting this case."

"What?" Julia cried. She pulled away from Casey's grasp and shook her head. "Why not? You want him to get away with it? You don't want him to go to jail? You want –"

"Julia stop," Casey interrupted firmly. She reached over and gave Julia's trembling hand a gentle, comforting squeeze. "I want to kill that man with my bare hands for what he did to you and Grace and Abigail, but I can't do that. And honey, I also can't be the one to prosecute this."

"Why not?" Julia asked, her eyes filling with tears as she leaned into Casey's embrace. "Why can't you do it? I don't think I can do this with someone else!"

"I can't do it because you live with me and by the time the trial actually starts, you'll more than likely legally be my daughter." Casey wrapped her arm around Julia and squeezed her tight. "I can't wait for the day that you will be my daughter, but because of that, I also can't prosecute Mr. Warren or Beth. The defense could use it against us and they wouldn't get in nearly as much trouble as they should."

Julia tried her best to fight her tears. It had been hard enough to tell Casey what Mr. Jennings had done to her. Now that she knew Casey so much better and trusted her so much more, she had hoped to describe what had happened with Mr. Warren to her. The thought of talking to someone she didn't know scared her. "Can I meet the person first, or do I have to tell them right away?"

"You've already met her," Casey said reassuringly, hoping to bring a little peace to this situation.

"I have? Who is it?"

"Alex."

Julia felt a small sense of relief wash over her as Casey spoke Alex's name. While she had only met Alex once, the woman had seemed like someone she could eventually learn to trust. "Does she need me to talk to her right away, or can I get to know her a little better first?"

"She wants you to talk to her when you're ready, and she's more than willing to spend some time with you so the two of you can get to know each other."

"Okay," Julia said quietly, feeling a little better about everything. It wasn't going to be easy, but she was pretty confident that she'd eventually warm up to Alex enough to talk to her about everything. She just hoped that eventually was soon. "You'll be there, right? You'll be in the courtroom when I'm telling everyone what happened, won't you?"

The desperation in Julia's eyes and voice was almost more than Casey could handle, and she wrapped her arms around Julia. "Of course I'll be there. I'll always be there for you, whenever you need me. I promise."

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She had rested her head on her arms as soon as they had allowed her into Olivia's room. She hadn't planned on falling asleep, but as soon as her forehead made contact with her arms on the side of Olivia's bed, she had done just that. The doctor had told her that Olivia probably wouldn't wake up for at least another hour anyway. That was why she was so surprised when she felt Olivia stirring beside her only a few minutes later. She woke up immediately and gently squeezed Olivia's hand. "Hey gorgeous. Welcome back," she said, smiling lovingly. "How are you feeling?"

Olivia moaned weakly and slowly turned her head towards Alex's voice. It took nearly two more minutes, but she finally managed to open her eyes. As soon as she did, she began cursing the light that seemed to be blinding her. Alex appeared to sense this, and leaned over so their eyes met. As soon as she did this, Olivia saw Alex's loving smile, and a few tears slid down her cheeks. "Hurts," was all she could force herself to say. She was still pretty groggy from the anesthesia.

"I know, baby," Alex whispered, brushing away Olivia's tears. "You did so great, Liv. You did so great. Everything's going to be okay now." She frowned as Olivia turned her gaze towards her chest, and immediately began to cry harder. She gently placed her fingers under Olivia's chin and tilted her head up so their eyes met. "Look at me, Olivia," she demanded firmly. Olivia blinked several times and kept her gaze away from Alex for several seconds before finally caving and raising her eyes to meet hers. "I'm right here, Liv. I'm right here. I love you so much, and I'm so proud of you." She bent over and gently kissed Olivia's lips. She pulled out of the kiss and rested her forehead against Olivia's. "They got it, baby. They got all of it."

Olivia's eyes filled with tears of a hope she was almost too afraid to have. She could barely breathe, and she had to bite her lower lip in an effort to remain calm. "They…they got all of it? As in…as in no more cancer?"

Alex smiled and cupped Olivia's face in her hands. "No more cancer," she whispered, her voice cracking as the tears slid down her cheeks. She laughed happily and kissed Olivia again. "You're healthy now, Liv. We can get back to our lives and be happy again."

Olivia very slowly, and with great effort, managed to move over to the far side of the bed. She looked up and smiled as she saw Alex looking down at her, raising her eyebrows in surprise. "Lie down with me?" she asked, her voice hopeful.

Alex smiled eagerly and very gently laid down next to Olivia. She hesitated only momentarily, afraid of making any sudden move and hurting Olivia. Instead of wrapping her arms around the woman, which would undoubtedly cause her pain, she decided to slide one arm under Olivia's neck and pull her close. She tilted her head to the side so it was resting against Olivia's and smiled. "I love you, Olivia. I love you so much."

"I love you, too," she answered softly, her voice weak with both exhaustion and emotion.

"Get some rest, baby. I'll be right here when you wake up, I promise."

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Allen rushed into the hospital, following the doctors as they wheeled Jess down the hall towards the emergency room. They were still trying to stop the bleeding, quickly shoving needles into her arms and pumping her with medications, and all had very worried looks on their faces. "Please," he begged, "Please, somebody tell me what's going on! What's happening to my wife and children?"

"Sir, I need you to step back and let the doctors do their work," a young nurse told him as she prevented him from entering the trauma room. "They're doing everything they can to keep your wife and your children safe. I need you to stay out here and wait."

"No!" he screamed, trying to push past her and get to the room where Jess was lying unconscious on the exam table. The nurse wouldn't let him through. He was breaking down, and quickly. He finally fell to the floor in tears and pulled his knees up to his chest. "I can't lose them," he sobbed. "I can't lose them."

The nurse, who introduced herself as Betty, helped him to his feet and led him over to a few chairs down the hall. "They're all in very good hands. There isn't anything you can do for them right now except wait, and pray. Is there anybody you can call who can come be with you right now?"

He shook his head. There wasn't anyone he really felt comfortable talking to about this. Alex and Olivia were obviously together at Olivia's bedside. He didn't really want to drag Casey and Steve into this either. Jess would have to call them for that one, and she obviously wasn't going to be well enough any time soon. "No," he whispered. "Just take care of them, please. Please take care of them."

"We will. I'll make sure a doctor comes out here as soon as he can, okay?"

All he could do was nod and rest his head in his hands. He couldn't think straight. Too much was happening and there was nothing he could do to stop it. This wasn't fair. They didn't deserve this. Hadn't he and Jess been through enough in their lives already? What had they done to deserve this? It didn't make sense. He shook his head and sobbed harder than he had ever sobbed in his life, and prayed for what he truly believed was the very first time he'd ever prayed. He figured he'd do everything possible to help the doctors take care of the three people he loved more than anything else in this world.

"Mr. Handley?" a voice asked, several hours later.

He looked up and saw a doctor, covered in blood, standing in front of him. He immediately stood up and brushed the imaginary wrinkles out of his pants. "What's going on? What's happening?

"Sir, I think you should probably sit down –"

"No!" he screamed angrily. "Tell me what's going on! Please, just tell me what's happening."

The doctor took a deep breath and nodded. "I'm Dr. Rivera, and I was the one who was working on your wife and children." He took another deep breath and scratched his head. "Your wife, um, she's experienced what we call a placental abruption. It means that the placenta becomes detached from the uterine wall prematurely. This leads to bleeding and a reduction of oxygen and nutrients to the babies. Usually this doesn't happen as quickly as it did today, but rather the woman will have a little spotty bleeding and then be hospitalized. Is your wife a smoker?"

"No, I don't think she's ever smoked a cigarette in her life."

"Has she had any other children before these two?"

"No. Why are you asking me these questions instead of helping my wife?"

"Because we need to try to find the reasons that this happened. She doesn't appear to have any of the common risk factors. Do you know if she fell recently, or was injured in any way?"

"Not that I know of. Please," he begged. "Tell me what's going on."

The doctor nodded and sat down, urging Allen to sit next to him. "Your wife's bleeding was very severe. We tried our best to stop it, but…Mr. Handley, I'm afraid we had to do an emergency C-section and hysterectomy. We had to deliver your babies prematurely. It was their only hope for survival."

Allen felt like someone had knocked the wind right out of him. He couldn't breathe. He closed his eyes and forced himself to take several very slow, deep breaths. "How are they?"

"Your wife is…stable. She's still in critical condition and will probably be so for the next twenty-four hours at least. She lost a lot of blood today. Your daughter came out first, and she weighed four pounds, three ounces. She's in the NICU, but she's doing very well considering everything. She's hooked up to a few tubes, which are administering some fluids and other necessary medications, but she's breathing on her own and seems very strong."

"And my son? What about my son?"

"When we pulled your son out, he wasn't breathing. We immediately began CPR, and were able to get a pulse, but several minutes had passed." He paused for a few seconds, allowing Allen to absorb everything. "He only weighed three pounds. Looks like your daughter was the dominant one. We see that a lot in twin births – one being much stronger than the other. Right now, he's not able to breathe on his own. He's severely jaundiced and at a high risk for developing pneumonia. I'm sorry, Mr. Handley."

"What are his chances?"

"Low. I would advise that as soon as your wife wakes up, you allow her to see him. It may be the only chance she gets to say good bye. I'm not saying that he's not going to make it. So far, I can tell that he's a fighter. It's just that the odds are stacked heavily against him right now and I don't want to give you any false hope." He locked eyes with Allen and smiled sympathetically. "I'm going to go clean up in there and make sure your wife's okay. You need to think about calling some people to be with the two of you right now. You shouldn't have to do this alone."

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"Thanks for letting me help cook dinner tonight," Julia said excitedly as she, Casey, and Steve stood in the kitchen, trying to prepare a casserole. "I really like cooking."

Steve smiled warmly and handed her the noodles. "Just don't burn yourself when you put these in the water. I've splashed it on myself enough times to know that you have to pour them slowly."

She laughed and rolled her eyes as she poured the noodles in, showing Steve that she was a lot smarter than him and able to do the task without so much as a single drop of water splashing out of the pan. "It's not that hard to pour a box of noodles into a pan of boiling water."

"That's true, but if you go to quickly, you'll still burn yourself."

They all laughed and finished cooking the casserole. When all was finished they were staring at a delicious chicken casserole, large salad, and a large fruit and granola salad. They sat down at the table and began eating.

"How's Olivia doing?" Julia asked a few minutes into the meal. "She was done surgery this morning wasn't she?" She looked up with hope in her eyes. "Is she feeling okay now?"

Casey nodded and swallowed her mouthful of casserole. "She's feeling a lot better. I talked to Alex earlier today while Olivia was napping and she said Olivia's pretty much ready to get out of the hospital and go home."

"I know how that feels. We should go to their house and make sure everything's cleaned up and that they have enough food and stuff. It's not fun when you're not feeling well to have to cook and clean. Can we do that?"

Steve and Casey looked at each other, then at Julia, and smiled. "I think that's a wonderful idea," Steve said proudly. "What kind of food do you think we should bring them? They're coming home tomorrow afternoon, so it can't be anything too fancy."

Julia thought for a moment, scratching her chin playfully as she did so. "Well I remember you guys saying that Olivia loves chicken soup. How about we give them a bunch of that, and some fruit, salad, and something else that's quick…just incase they get sick of chicken soup."

"How about some chili?" Steve suggested. "We could get a bunch of cans and bring them over there in a big pot so all they'd have to do is stick it on the stove and warm it up."

"That sounds good."

Steve smiled warmly. "Okay then. We'll head out tomorrow morning to get everything we need."

"Sounds like a plan."

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"She's getting better," Casey said excitedly as she and Steve climbed into bed that evening. "You can see it, can't you? She's really getting better, Steve." She snuggled closer to him and sighed happily.

He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her lightly. "She's getting so much better, Case. I didn't think it was possible for her to make this much progress this quickly, but she really has. She's an incredible kid." He leaned over and kissed her again, slightly more passionate this time. "Thanks for wanting to adopt her and introducing me to her. I know it was quick and everything, but honestly, I can't imagine our lives without her."

"I feel the same way. I know she's been slow to open up to you, and even now she's only doing it when I'm right there with her, but she's starting to feel safer." She smiled and caressed his cheek with her thumb. "You're a good man, Steven Novak. You're a good man."

"I love you, Casey," he said, relaxing under the covers and slowly allowing the fatigue to overtake him. "Sleep well. I'll see you in the morning and we'll take our beautiful daughter out shopping for food for our best friends."

"I love you, too, Steve. Good night."

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He was sitting at her bedside, where he'd been since he'd spoken with the doctor, when she began stirring. Fifteen hours had passed since they'd first arrived at the hospital. He hadn't yet visited his children. That was something he was going to do when she was able to do it with him. He would not be alone the first time he laid eyes on them. "Hey, honey," he whispered as she opened her eyes.

"Where am I?" she whispered groggily.

"You're in the hospital," he answered gently, giving her hand a firm squeeze.

"What happened?"

He swallowed hard, forcing his tears away for right now. "What do you remember?"

She thought for several seconds before closing her eyes in realization. "I was bleeding," she said. It took a great deal of energy just to utter those three words, but she would be damned if she allowed herself to fall asleep before knowing what was going on. "You called the paramedics. I was in an ambulance…that's all I remember."

"You had a placental abruption," he said softly, making sure he held tight to her hand. He could feel her squeezing his hands with as much strength as she could muster. "You were bleeding really badly and they had to do an immediate C-section and…and a hysterectomy," he finished, breathing slowly and nervously.

"I…I'm not pregnant anymore? But it's too early!"

"I know, honey, but the doctors had to do it. None of you would have survived otherwise."

"Allen," she said desperately. "Where are my babies?"

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. This was going to be a lot harder than he had originally thought. He decided to start with the good news. That would be easier anyway. "Alexa was born first, and she weighs four pounds, three ounces. They have her hooked up to oxygen and everything, but they say that's just as a precaution and that she's breathing on her own just fine. The doctors even think she might be able to go home in a week."

She smiled weakly as a tear slid down her cheek. That was good news. She rubbed her thumb over his knuckles and frowned when she noticed that he wasn't smiling back at her. "What about Christopher?"

Allen hesitated for a moment before answering her question. He wasn't even sure if he could do it without crying. "He, um, he's – he's not doing as well. He's got jaundice really bad and he can't breathe on his own. He wasn't breathing when he came out and they did CPR but it took a while for them to get a pulse back but they did and –"

"Come here," she whispered, pulling him against her as he collapsed into sobs. She allowed him to climb into the bed with her and they wrapped their arms around each other and cried together. "Have you seen them?"

"No. I wanted to wait for you to wake up. I thought we should see them together."

"I want to see them."

He shook his head adamantly and held her close. "Not yet. I think we should wait until you're feeling –"

"No!" she screamed desperately. "I want to see them. I have to see them now, Allen. What if we lose one of them before I'm feeling 'my best' and I never get the chance to say good-bye?" Tears were now pouring down her cheeks as she begged him with all her might. "Please, take me to see them! I have to see them."

He nodded slowly and gently climbed out of bed. "I'll go get a nurse so we can see if you're well enough that we can wheel you down there. Is that okay?"

She nodded and grabbed his hand before he could walk out of her reach. "Allen?"

"Yeah, sweetie?"

"I can't have any more babies, can I? This is it for us, isn't it?"

He squeezed her hand and cupped her face with his other hand. He bent low and met her tear-filled eyes. "It's going to be okay, Jess," he promised. "I love you, sweetie. We're going to get through this, just like we've gotten through everything else our lives have thrown at us, only this time, it'll be even easier."

She furrowed her eyebrows, ready to smack him. "_Easier_? How the hell is this going to be easier?"

"Because now we've got each other, and we've got some of the best friends in the world. We'll be okay, Jess. If we stick together, we'll be okay." He kissed her lightly and offered her a slight, loving smile. "Now how about I go get that nurse so we can go see our beautiful babies?"

"Yeah. Do that. I want to see them."

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Oooohhhhh, the angst! I'm evil, I know.

At least y'all got a decently long chapter in reward for having to wait so long for my update!


	37. I Messed Up

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

I've been sick for about a week now…I swear it's the flu, but I don't have a fever or anything. I've just got the stupid chills, achy body, and overall blahhhhh feeling. That being said, it's taken me a while to write this chapter. Usually I sit around for a few days thinking about what I want to write, then crank it out in a couple of hours. This time I've worked on it a good four or five times, which is odd for me. Oh well. Here it is anyway. It's a long one…

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"You ready to go home, Liv?" Alex asked as she excitedly walked into Olivia's hospital room, carrying the discharge papers with her. She grinned eagerly when Olivia looked over. "I say we blow this joint and go out to dinner. My treat, of course."

Olivia grabbed her coat and sighed. "I'm still a little sore. Do you think it would be okay if we just ran to the store and picked something up? I'd really rather just go home and rest."

Alex smiled. "That would be just fine. We'll pick up something quick and easy, light a fire in the fireplace, and curl up under a blanket on the sofa. We can watch a cheesy love movie, pig out on ice cream, and whisper sweet nothings to each other all night long." She laced her fingers into Olivia's and pulled her towards the door. She could feel Olivia's hesitation in the way she moved. The woman wasn't moving slowly just because she was a little sore. Alex squeezed her hand as they made their way out of the room. "I love you," she whispered as they made their way to the administration desk.

"Are you upset that we're not going out for dinner?"

"Not at all," Alex assured her. "I'm spending the evening with you, at home. It'll be wonderful."

Olivia tried to smile, but found that she couldn't even force herself to give Alex a fake one. It didn't seem real. It didn't seem possible, in her mind, for Alex to still love her. She wanted so badly to shake off her insecurities, but she couldn't. It was at that moment, as they were walking out the hospital doors together, that she realized how Alex must have felt the first time she'd taken her shirt off in front of her. She had seen the scars from the surgery, but had yet to show them to Alex, and she wasn't sure if she was ready to do that yet. She hated that she was able to look past all the scars on Alex's body and still see an incredibly beautiful woman, while at the same time look at the two small scars on her own body but see nothing but an ugly body.

"You ready to go curl up on the couch with me?" Alex asked.

"Yeah," Olivia said softly, not quite sure if she could trust her own voice.

Alex smiled and walked her out to the car. "Then what do you say we pick up some take-out Chinese, stop by the video place and rent a bunch of movies, and go cuddle on the couch? I've missed cuddling with you these last few days."

"Sounds good," Olivia said, finally able to manage a weak smile. "Let's do that."

"Let's do it then," Alex said, squeezing Olivia's hand and praying that her presence was enough for right now. She could tell that Olivia was feeling incredibly uneasy and self-conscious at the moment, and she wanted to pull her out of it. _She always reminded you how much she loved you when you felt unloved_, Alex thought to herself. _She always made you feel beautiful when you felt ugly._ "I love you, Olivia," she said softly as they climbed into the car. She closed her door and met Olivia's eyes, giving the woman as loving a smile as possible. "We're okay, baby. We're better than okay. You and me, we're going to be just fine. This surgery changes absolutely nothing in the way that I feel about you. You are still the same beautiful, sexy, wonderful, amazing woman I know and love. Please believe me when I say that, Liv. Please believe that."

Olivia wiped away a tear and squeezed Alex's hand. "I'm trying. I think I just need a little time to adjust to this new…everything. I need a little time to, I don't know, I guess come to terms with how I look now. Does that make any sense?"

"Complete sense," Alex said. She pulled onto the highway and bit her lower lip nervously. "Take all the time you need, Liv. Remember how you always told me that? Well now I'm telling you. I'm here, Liv, and I'm not going anywhere. Understood?"

Olivia swallowed hard and nodded. "Understood."

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"They should be here any minute now," Casey said excitedly as she put the last of the chili into the refrigerator. She turned around and saw Julia and Steve watching her, smiling eagerly. "Alex called from the grocery store fifteen minutes ago. Olivia was waiting in the car. They're picking up some frozen chicken dinners and are just going to come home and rest. Apparently Olivia's still a little sore."

"Is she going to be okay with us being here?" Julia asked nervously. "I mean, if she's not feeling well and everything, should we just leave so she and Alex can be alone?"

Casey smiled. "I'm sure she'll be just fine with it. They'll both be glad that we did this for them, don't worry."

Just then, the door swung open and Alex walked in, very slowly pulling Olivia behind her. They both looked up and smiled in surprise when they saw Casey, Allen, and Julia standing in their living room. "What is this?" Alex asked, putting Olivia's bags down next to the coffee table.

"It's a little welcome home thing we kind of threw together at the last minute," Casey explained. "We knew you'd both be a little tired when you came home and we…well Julia figured that it would be nice if we could put together a few dinners for you so you didn't have to cook." She smiled and walked towards the two women. "There's enough food here for the week, and we made sure to give you plenty of chicken soup, Liv, just in case."

Olivia wrapped her arms around Casey, ignoring her tears. "Thank you," she whispered, squeezing her tight. She couldn't believe she had the friends that she had. It seemed impossible that people really were willing to go out of their way to make her comfortable and happy.

"You look good, Liv," Casey said, pulling out of the hug and holding Olivia's shoulders. She smiled and locked eyes with Olivia. "You look really good. You planning on coming back to work anytime soon? The sooner we get rid of Dani, the better."

"Yeah," Olivia said, laughing slightly. "I'll be back in a week or two. I'll probably be stuck doing desk work for a bit longer than that, but at least I'll be back. It'll be nice to see the guys again."

"Well you get yourself rested and feeling better so you're ready go come back. We all miss you, Liv. All the guys want you back, too, especially Elliot. I think he misses you more than anyone else, but trust me…we _all_ miss you."

"I miss all of you, too."

Alex smiled at the exchange between the two friends. She felt lucky to have such amazing people in her life. She looked around at everyone's smiling faces and couldn't resist. "Why don't you all stay for dinner?" she asked eagerly. Before anyone could object, she waved her hands in front of her. "Don't you dare refuse. You all cooked it anyway. The least you could to is sit with us and enjoy it."

"Are you sure it's okay?" Julia asked. "I mean, you two just got home. Are you sure you don't want to spend some time alone?"

Olivia looked from Julia, to Casey, to Steve, and finally locked eyes with Alex. They all looked eager to enjoy a dinner together. Who was she to refuse them that enjoyment? She smiled and nodded as she looked back over to Julia. "You're more than welcome to eat dinner with us. We'd love to have you."

"Can we?" Julia asked Casey and Steve. "Please?"

Casey and Steve looked at each other and nodded. "We'd love to stay for dinner," Casey told them. "But only if you let us set everything up. You two go rest on the couch while we put everything together."

"Sounds good to me," Alex said, pulling Olivia back into the living room and sitting down with her on the couch. She looked back at everyone and smiled. "Just call us when you're ready."

"We will!" Julia yelled, ushering Casey and Steve into the kitchen, ready to prepare dinner.

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"They still won't let me hold him," Jess said weakly, peering through the window of the incubator that held their son. She looked up at Allen, her eyes pleading for an answer. "It's been three days, Allen! Why won't they let me hold him? He looks so small. He needs his mother to hold him!"

Allen wrapped his arms around her and kissed the back of her head. He rested his chin on the top of her head and slowly rocked her back and forth. "Because he's so weak that holding him could kill him. He's really, really sick right now Jess, and he needs to be in this thing so he can get better. The doctors are even a little hopeful that he'll make it, honey. He's done amazingly well."

"I just want to hold him," she cried. "I want to hold my son."

"I know you do. I want the same thing." He tugged on her shoulders and pulled her away from the incubator. "Come on. Let's go take a look at Alexa for a while, huh? The doctors said that we can try feeding her today."

Jess nodded weakly and followed him out of the room, pausing in the doorway to take a long look at her son. He looked so small and fragile in the little incubator, and she wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around him and hold her close. Allen had to pull hard on her shoulder to get her out of the room. She felt that she was abandoning Christopher, leaving him alone like this. Still, she knew that she had to tend to Alexa as well. The doctors were telling her that they would be able to bring her home if she took her bottle soon. That was at least a bit of happy news. They were even saying that Christopher's jaundice had gone down a little, but they still weren't very optimistic about his odds. He wasn't breathing on his own, and his heart and lungs were still dangerously underdeveloped.

"Come on honey," Allen encouraged, finally pulling her out of the room and into the hallway. "Let's go feed Alexa. She's getting stronger, you know. Maybe we'll be able to bring her home in a few days."

"It's already been a few days, Allen."

"It's been three, and she was two months early, Jess. She's doing really, really well, sweetie. She's strong. Just you watch. She'll be taking that bottle and before you know it she'll be home with us."

"But Christopher won't. He'll still be stuck here." She shook her head and stopped walking. "I'm sorry. I hate that I'm being so negative right now. I just wish things weren't so messed up like this. I hate that my babies are sick."

"I know," he said softly, walking her down the hallway towards Alexa's bed. "I want the same thing. Right now, we just have to stay strong and pray that they make it through each day. Every day they're alive they're getting stronger."

"You're right."

"I know I'm right."

"And cocky, too."

He smiled. "Never said I wasn't."

She laughed, probably for the first time that day, and looked into his loving eyes. They were so beautiful, and when he stared back into her eyes, she nearly melted. "I love you," she whispered, her eyes filling with tears. "I'm so sorry about all this."

"Hey," he said, tilting her chin up and wiping away a few tears. "Don't you dare start feeling guilty for this. None of this is your fault, Jess. You hear me? You did absolutely everything in your power to make sure our babies were safe. This was a freak incident, honey. You couldn't have stopped it."

"Let's go feed Alexa," she said weakly. "I'd like to see if she'll take the bottle now."

He hated that she as so quick to change the subject, and hated even more that she was feeling guilty about everything. At the same time, however, he knew better than to try to argue with her. Right now, all he could do was try his best to stay strong, for both his sake and hers. He had even asked her several times if she wanted him to call anyone, but she always said she'd rather just be alone with him. In time, he would call everyone. He hated that it had been three days and nobody knew anything, but he was going along with Jess' wishes. He wrapped his arm around her and smiled. "Okay. Let's go feed her."

They made their way slowly down the hall, hand in hand, praying with all their might that their beautiful baby girl had the strength to suck from her bottle. That would be the sign that her strength really was improving. Until then, all Jess and Allen could see was that Alexa was stronger than Christopher, and that wasn't really saying much.

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"Wow, you guys, this looks absolutely amazing," Olivia said happily as she and Alex joined Casey, Steve, and Julia at the table. On the table, there were mashed potatoes, corn, a huge salad, and several pieces of cornbread. This had obviously been planned way in advance. "I can't believe you guys made us dinner for an entire week!"

"It was a lot of fun cooking everything," Julia said, spooning some mashed potatoes onto her plate. "Besides, nobody wants to cook when they're not feeling well. Everybody knows that."

"Well thank you," Olivia said, her voice cracking a little as she spoke. She looked around at everyone and smiled. "This really means a lot to me you guys. Thank you."

Casey smiled and reached across the table, taking Olivia's hand. "After everything you do for us, it's about time we did something for you. Besides, what kind of friends would we be if we didn't cook you dinner anyway?" She laughed and pulled her hand away. "Okay everyone, enough chatting. Start eating. I'm starving."

Everybody laughed as they served themselves and started eating. Alex placed her hand over Olivia's under the table and gave it a gentle squeeze. She was glad to see her friends sitting around her dining room table, enjoying a meal together. She felt lucky to have these people in her lives, and was especially grateful for them at this moment. She looked over and saw Olivia smiling happily as she talked with Casey and Steve. It had worried her that it might be a while before she saw Olivia's smiling face again. She couldn't help but sit back and soak in the situation. It was incredible to see so many happy, loving people surrounding her. She was tempted to excuse herself and call Jess to invite her over, but decided against it. They were all having such a good time right now and she would feel awkward inviting more people over in the middle of the meal. Instead, she made a mental note to call her niece once everyone had left, just to say hello. She hadn't spoken to her in a few days and she was starting to get a little worried.

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"I need to tell you something," Jess whispered once she was settled back in her hospital bed and the nurse had left. She pulled the blanket over her legs and sat back, looking down into her lap and fidgeting her hands. She waited for him to sit down and take her hand.

"What?" he asked, concerned. "What's wrong?"

"Do you remember what I said to you when you first asked me to marry you?"

He shook his head and furrowed his eyebrows, trying to think hard. "No, I don't think so."

"I told you that you shouldn't marry me because I would only end up hurting you."

"Hey," he said sternly, squeezing her hand and cupping her cheek. "I told you then and I'll tell you now. You won't hurt me. You didn't do this, Jess. It just happened, okay?" He brushed the hair out of her face and rested his forehead against hers. "This wasn't your fault, honey. These kinds of things sometimes happen and –"

"I fell," she said quickly, then diverted her eyes away from him.

"You what? When?"

"Four days ago, when you were at the grocery store." Her voice was soft and weak. She was terrified of telling him about what happened, but she felt that he had a right to know. "I, um, I was getting out of the shower and I slipped. I landed against the counter, but Allen, I swear I didn't fall hard. I swear I didn't!"

"You fell? Jess, why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I was afraid you'd get mad at me," she said, a few tears falling down her cheeks. This was all her fault and she knew it. She hated that she was the cause of her babies' suffering. "There was, um, there was a little bit of blood that night, but not a lot. I called the doctor –"

"You were bleeding? Jess what the hell is wrong with you? Why didn't –"

"He told me it was normal to bleed a little. He asked if I could still feel them kicking and I could. I told him I barely knocked my stomach and he said since I was this far along that it wouldn't hurt the babies." She was starting to panic a little now, and her voice was full of fear. "Allen I swear if I thought they were in any danger –"

His eyes widened angrily and he nodded, finally understanding what he thought was the truth. "Alexa's pretty much in the clear now. It's Christopher who's probably not going to make it. You wanted it this way didn't you? As long as you had Alexa nothing else mattered, did it? As long as you had your little girl –"

"Allen, stop! I didn't want this, I swear! I'm so sorry! I'm so –"

"I can't believe this," he said angrily, pushing the hair out of his face and standing up. He took several steps away from her and shook his head. This wasn't possible. What his wife was saying just wasn't possible. She had been so careful during the entire pregnancy, had listened to every single word the doctor had said. Hell, she had even been overly paranoid that something was going to happen and had taken unnecessary precautions. Why then, if she had been so careful, would she simply ignore her fall? He met her eyes, and all he could feel was intense anger. He had to get out of the room, and he had to get out now. He turned and walked away. Just before he walked out of the room, he looked at her. "I guess you were right all along. Maybe this was all a mistake."

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Just as Casey was putting the last of the dishes into Alex and Olivia's dishwasher, her phone began vibrating in her pocket. She quickly dried her hands and answered it. "Casey Novak."

"I messed up. Casey I really messed up."

She furrowed her eyebrows and pulled the phone away from her ear so she could look at the caller id. "Allen?" she asked worriedly. "What's wrong? Why are you saying you messed up?" She looked around to make sure nobody else was listening in on this conversation. Sure enough, they were all out in the living room watching a movie. She was safe. "Allen, talk to me. What's wrong?"

He took a deep breath and started talking very quickly. "Jess went into labor three days ago. She was just a day shy of seven months and we were really freaked out. We didn't call anyone because it was the same day Olivia went in for her surgery and we didn't want to bother them and I barely know you and Steve and I know there's a lot going on with Julia right now so we figured to just try to ride it out together and call you when things settled down but they've only gotten worse. I'm only calling you now because Olivia's coming home today and I don't want to interrupt her and Alex." He took a deep breath and continued. "Both of the babies were really small but Christopher's even smaller. He's not doing very well and Jess and I were fine until today. She's been blaming herself because of how sick Christopher is and I kept telling her it wasn't her fault. Then today she told me she fell against the counter in the bathroom. She swore she only bled a little and the doctor told her she should be fine since she didn't fall very hard at all, but I still got mad at her. Oh God, Casey, I made her absolute worst fear come true. I told her she hurt me, just like she had everybody else in her life. I blamed her for it, too." He was crying now, crying harder than he'd ever cried in his life, and he had no idea how to stop the tears. "I – I don't know h – how to fix this, Case! I really messed up this time and…oh, God, I have to fix this! I was just so worried about the babies and I said things way too quickly and before I knew it I was walking out of the room angrily and she was lying on the bed sobbing into her pillow." He stopped talking for several seconds, allowing Casey to take in all that he had said. The only noise that could be heard was his sobbing. "How do I fix this, Case? How do I fix this?"

She wasn't sure how to answer him. Never in a million years could she ever imagine him doing something like this. He didn't seem like the kind of guy who would get angry enough to accuse Jess of something like this. She could hear the pain in his voice and knew that he hadn't meant what he had said, but at the same time, she was ready to smack him. How the hell could he say those things to her? She couldn't imagine the pain Jess was in right now. She took several deep breaths and tried to remain calm, praying she didn't say something to piss him off, even though that was clearly what he deserved. "Right now you stay the hell away from her. I can't believe you did this to her, Allen. Her one and only fear was that she would hurt you and you went and made her believe that that's exactly what she did. You know this wasn't her fault and you know there was nothing she could have done to stop it." He was about to interrupt, but she cleared her throat angrily. "Let me finish before you even think about opening that mouth of yours. You really screwed up, Allen, and I'm not sure how you're going to fix this, but right now, you're going to stay away from her. I'm going to come up there and I'm going to see if maybe Alex can, too. We're going to assess her situation and then we'll go from there. You need to go home and really think about what you just did." Before he could respond, she snapped her phone shut. She leaned her hands against the counter and bowed her head, closing her eyes and trying desperately to keep her breathing under control. Finally, after several minutes had passed, she dried her tears and called Alex into the kitchen.

"Hey," Alex said happily as she bounced eagerly into the kitchen. As soon as she saw Casey's face, her demeanor changed. She immediately grew worried and hurried over to Casey. "What happened?"

Casey took a deep breath and began explaining to Alex everything Allen had just told her. She had to stop several times so she could catch her breath and regain her composure, but she managed to get everything out. "We have to go see her, Alex," Casey said. "She's alone right now and I can't even begin to imagine the pain she must be in. If you need to stay here with Olivia, please, do that. I'm sure Jess would want you to stay, too. I'm just saying that I know there's no way in hell I'm going to be able to help her on my own."

Alex blinked several times, waiting for Casey to start laughing and tell her it was all a huge joke. That didn't happen. She put her hands over her mouth and shook her head in disbelief. "I can't believe he would do something like that," she said, completely shocked. "What the hell happened to him? Why on earth would he do that to her?"

"I don't know, but she shouldn't be alone right now. I'm going to pack a few things and head up there. If you want, I'll take you with me. Liv, too, if she wants to go with us. I know she's a little tired."

"I, um…I think…let me go talk to Liv," she said, unable to connect her thoughts. She walked out into the living room and asked Olivia to come with her to the bedroom for a minute. She knew she must have looked awful, but there wasn't anything she could do to change that. No amount of strength would have been enough to allow her to force a fake smile.

"What's wrong?" Olivia asked as soon as the bedroom door was shut.

Alex took a deep breath. "Jess had her babies three days ago, at about the same time you were having surgery. They're really sick, but apparently her son's a lot sicker. Allen pretty much just blamed her today when she told her she fell a few days ago. He just called Casey and he's really upset, so I can't even imagine how upset she must be. Casey wants to go up there and be with her and I kind of want to, too, but I don't want to leave you –"

"Go," Olivia encouraged. She couldn't believe that this had happened, and she was ready to call Elliot to tell him that he needed to kick Allen's ass. Allen was a pretty big guy, but Elliot could take him easily. She pushed the thought away and met Alex's eyes.

"But it's your first night back at home and –"

"And I'm okay. Go be with Jess, Alex. Right now, I have a feeling that she needs you a hell of a lot more than I do. I'll be okay, I promise."

"Are you sure? I really want to spend time with you, I swear I do. I don't want you to feel like I'm leaving you all of a sudden or anything. I love you so much and I want to hold you tonight and love you because I know this is really hard for you right now and –"

"Go be with Jess, honey," Olivia said. She smiled and squeezed Alex's hand. Looking into Alex's eyes, she could see the sadness that the woman was feeling about her niece. At the same time, Olivia could also see how much Alex really loved her. "I want to spend time with you, too, but right now, Jess needs you. I know you love me and yes, this is a difficult time for me, but I'll be okay on my own for tonight…and for a few nights after tonight if need be. I promise I'm okay, and I promise that I'm not upset that you're leaving." She wrapped her arms around Alex and pulled her close. "Please honey, go be with her. She needs you."

Alex hugged Olivia as tight as possible without hurting her. "I'm so sorry to just leave you like this. I feel so bad."

"Don't. You don't have anything to feel bad about. You and Casey go take care of Jess. I can take care of myself."

Alex nodded. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Olivia whispered, ushering Alex out of the bedroom. "Make sure Allen knows that he's in a hell of a lot of trouble for this and that he's lucky nobody's kicking his ass right now."

Alex chuckled sadly. "I will. I love you."

"I love you, too. Take care of her, and tell her I send my love."

"I will."

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"Is Julia okay staying the night with Steve?" Alex asked worriedly. "You know she's more than welcome to stay at our place if she ever wants or needs to. I know she's still a little skittish around him."

Casey nodded, climbing into her car and pulling out of the driveway. "She actually seems pretty okay with it. She was a little worried at first, but I assured her that she was safe and made sure she understood that my phone would always be on if she needed to reach me. Steve promised to sleep downstairs and not even come upstairs at all until I got home. It's amazing, but she really feels pretty safe around him as long as she's nowhere near her bedroom."

"That is really good to hear, Case. She's a strong kid."

"She really is. I'm proud of her."

Alex smiled and looked out the window. "Jess is strong, too, but this really was her one huge fear. I know she's strong enough to move through this, but I'm not sure if she knows that."

"Well you and I are going to go make sure she understands that."

"Thanks for bringing me with you."

Casey shook her head and bit her lower lip. "Thanks for coming. There's no way in hell I'd be able to manage this one alone. It's taking every ounce of strength I have not to take my softball bat to Allen's head, and I hate that I'm wasting my energy on that when I should be focusing it on Jess."

Alex nodded and sighed. "I just hope we can make this right. There's no way Allen meant those things he said. He was angry and upset and he took his frustration out the wrong way, but he has to still love her. I've seen the look in his eyes when he talks to her. There's no way he doesn't still love her."

"I agree. And I really hope we're enough to get her through this. As many times as she's let us crash at her place and helped us get through some rough times, we owe it to her to pretty much put our lives on hold and get her through this."

"She really has been an amazing friend to us over these last two years hasn't she?"

"One of the best I've ever had. I know I spent a lot of my life hating her, but now I don't even care about what she did to me in college. All I care about is how much I've seen you grow since I've known her, and how much she's helped me get through stuff. She's incredible, and she definitely doesn't deserve this."

Alex pulled into the parking garage and shut off the car. She paused for several seconds, trying to focus her thoughts and gather strength. "This is going to be so difficult. I can't even imagine how much she's hurting. I feel like crying right now and it's not even happening to me."

"I do, too, and I know once we get in there we might end up crying with her, but that's okay. She's the kind of person who would probably prefer us crying with her anyway. We just need to go in there and wrap our arms around her and hold her close. That's what she needs right now. She needs to know that she's loved and that this was by no means her fault."

Alex swallowed and they got out of the car. They rode the elevator up and sighed as it opened and they walked into the maternity ward. "I really don't want to have to do this."

"I don't either, but we have to. We owe it to her."

"Let's go."

Slowly but surely, they made their way through the bustling maternity ward and arrived at the nurse's station. After providing the appropriate identification, they were told where Jess' room was and began walking down the hall. They were both terrified of what they were going to find, and neither woman knew what they were going to say or do once they arrived. Still, they pressed on, knowing that if anything, their mere presence would be enough to get Jess through this one night. After that, they would start making plans for the future.

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Okay, I'm evil, I know. Don't all hate me just yet. I'm sick and tired (and sick and tired of being sick and tired) so I'll probably end up posting another chapter before the weekend's over, since I'll have a lot of time to just lie around thinking. I promise it'll be happier…ish ;p


	38. His Timing Really Sucks

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

Sorry (again) that it's been so long since I've updated. Our Internet was acting crazy and then it died on us, so I haven't been able to get this chapter loaded. Technology's a bitch sometimes.

Also, the stupid alerts are down again :(

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He was furious with himself. What the hell had he just done? Had he really just yelled at Jess and blamed her for everything? As he looked into the mirror above the bathroom sink, he realized it wasn't all a dream. He looked pitiful, pathetic, and like he had just done something he would forever regret. He couldn't think straight, and he had no idea what he was going to do next. All he knew was that he would never be able to face his wife again – not after the things he'd said to her. She would never forgive him, nor did he deserve to be forgiven. _I'm sorry,_ he thought to himself as he began throwing his clothes into a suitcase. For the next hour or so, he threw all of his clothes, toiletries, and a few pictures into three suitcases. He grabbed a piece of paper and a pen, and sat down at the desk in the bedroom.

_Jess,_

_Words cannot begin to describe the grief I'm feeling for what I did to you today. You are by no means responsible for what happened and I am so very sorry for making you feel as though you were. I can't bear to look at you because I know I'll fall apart. You deserve so much more than I could ever give you. I feel and know that I am not good enough for you. You deserve someone so much better than me. I won't ask for your forgiveness because I know I don't deserve it. Please know that I will always love you, and that I want to be a part of our children's lives. I love them so much it hurts. I need you to know that I love you all very much, and I am so very sorry for everything I've done._

_Allen_

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They slowly opened the door and couldn't help but cry silently as they saw her lying on the bed, curled into a tight ball and sobbing. Never before had they seen her like this. She was the strong one, the one who was always smiling, always encouraging everyone else to come out of their shells and enjoy life. This was bad. They exchanged quick, worried glances before walking in and closing the door softly behind them. Casey walked to the far side of the bed, where Jess was facing, while Alex walked up behind her and climbed into the bed, wrapping an arm around her.

"We're right here, honey," Alex whispered, pulling Jess close. She pulled the hair out of Jess' face and rested her head against Jess'. "I'm so sorry, Jess." She didn't know what else to say, so she instead began gently combing her fingers through Jess' hair, silently cursing her inability to take away Jess' pain.

"It's going to be okay," Casey promised, though her words sounded eerily hollow and meaningless. What was a person supposed to say at a time like this? She took Jess' hands in both of hers and gave them a comforting squeeze, offering a small smile when Jess squeezed back. "We'll get you through this, Jess, just like you got us through so much when we were hurting." She gave a joking, half-smile and cocked her head. "And you can bet we're going to kick Allen's ass for doing this to you."

Jess smiled weakly and shook her head. "I can't do this without him," she said softly. She sighed and shook her head again. "I can't do this alone. I've been alone my whole life, and then I found him. He loves me, I know he does, and I know he didn't mean what he said. I just…with my babies being so sick and him saying what he said, I just…I can't do this alone. I can't –"

"You're not alone," Casey interrupted.

"You've got us," Alex added, trying to keep her voice positive. "And you will always have us, no matter what. That is a promise that we are never going to break." She rested her head back next to Jess' and continued combing her fingers through her hair. This was harder than she'd thought it would be – nothing she said or did seemed to be helping.

Casey kept a tight grip on Jess' hands, gently rubbing her thumb over Jess' knuckles. _Say something to her, Casey,_ she thought. _Say something to make her feel better_. She shook her head and closed her eyes. There was nothing to say. Instead, she rested her head next to Jess' and wrapped an arm around her. Jess in turn wrapped her arm around Casey, apparently needing as much contact with the two women as possible. "We'll get you through this," she whispered. "I promise we'll get you through this."

More than an hour passed before anybody said anything else. After the first few minutes they all began to realize that nothing could be said. Casey and Alex couldn't find the words to help Jess, and Jess knew that no matter what they did eventually say, it wouldn't help her the way she needed it to. At the same time, however, simply having the two women with her was helping her more than she could have ever imagined. As soon as Allen had walked out that door, she wanted nothing more than to simply curl up under a blanket and disappear. She'd even contemplated kicking Alex and Casey out when they had walked in. Now, however, she felt like she didn't ever want to let go of them. Finally, however, she knew she had to try to get through the day. "I think I need to go visit them. I haven't spoken to Christopher yet today and the doctors keep telling me that the more I talk to him, the better his chances. He's still really weak, but at least that's something."

"Then let's go see little Christopher," Alex encouraged, helping Jess sit up. She and Casey gently helped Jess into the wheelchair and pushed her out into the hallway. She smiled sadly at Casey as they made their way towards the NICU. "He'll hear your voice and gain strength from it." She stopped pushing and knelt in front of Jess just before they rounded the final corner. "Don't give up on him, Jess. Don't give up on him."

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"Look, Elliot, I'm not asking you to break the law or anything," Olivia argued over the phone. "I'm just asking you to go over and talk to the guy. Smack him around a little and claim self defense or something, I don't care. Just go talk to him."

He rolled his eyes and ran his hand through his hair. This was the first he'd heard from Olivia since before her surgery three days ago, and he was slightly perturbed that she was calling him for a favor, especially a favor for people he didn't know very well. Still, after listening to Olivia describe what had happened, he couldn't help but feel an overwhelming urge to pummel Allen's face into the ground. "What do you suppose I should say when I get to the house? Just walk up there and smile. 'Oh, hello, Allen. I know you don't really know me, but I'd really like to kick your ass for what you just did to your wife.' That's not going to go over very well with him, I'm sure."

"Just go talk to him, Elliot. You don't have to attack him." She took a deep breath and sighed. "If anything, just go make sure he's okay. This isn't at all like him and frankly, I'm a little worried."

"A guy just freaks out and blames his wife for going into premature labor and you want me to make sure he's okay? Shouldn't you be a little more angry than worried, Liv?"

"Normally, yes, but Elliot, this guy isn't the kind to just blow up at his wife. He's hurting, and I just want to make sure he's okay. He's a really good guy, El. He loves Jess and I know he's got to be hurting right now. Casey and Alex are taking care of Jess right now, but Allen needs someone, too."

"I'll see what I can do," he said after several seconds. "But I'm not making any promises. Guys shouldn't do this kind of thing to their wives, no matter what the circumstances are."

Olivia laughed. "By all means, if he's sitting around drinking a beer and enjoying life, beat his ass to the ground. Just promise me you won't go storming in there angry."

"Cross my heart."

"Thanks, Elliot."

He was about to tell her it was no problem and hang up, but thought better of it. He took a deep breath and sat down in his chair. "Don't worry about it," he assured her. "Anything else I can do for you?"

She smiled. His voice did that to her sometimes. She loved that he could make her feel important – and equal. Most men she knew always spoke down to her, but not Elliot. She loved him like a brother, and knew that he loved her like a sister in return. He was one of the best friends she'd ever had, and she was grateful that he was so willing to help her out whenever she needed him. "I think that's about it right now."

"How are you feeling? You came home today, right?"

"Yeah, I came back this afternoon, and I'm feeling okay. A little, I don't know…" she trailed off, not sure exactly how to express what she was feeling. She wasn't even sure she knew what she was feeling.

"Anything I can do?"

"Go talk to Allen."

"I meant for you."

"I don't think so."

"If there is, call me, no matter what time it is. And get as much rest as you damn well can because I need you back here. Dani is driving me nuts and I need you back." He paused and rocked back and forth in his chair. "I need you back here, Liv. It's just not the same without you."

"Elliot, stop," she said modestly.

"It's the truth."

"Fine. I'll go rest. You just promise you'll go talk to Allen."

"Only if you'll promise to rest and get your ass back here as soon as you're feeling up to it."

"I promise."

"Good."

"'Night, Elliot."

"Good night, Liv. Sleep well."

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"Oh, Jess, he's beautiful," Alex whispered, looking through the incubator at Christopher.

Jess nodded weakly and fixed her eyes on her small son. "He's just so small. He looks so weak and fragile in there." She looked up at Alex and smiled. "His jaundice has gone down a lot though. They think maybe in a week or so I might be able to hold him. They're even saying that his odds are leaning more towards survival than…" she trailed off and turned her head back to him. "I should have called the doctor after I fell. Maybe I could have stopped this. Maybe I could have –"

"Stop right there," Alex interrupted firmly. "Don't you dare blame yourself for this. You didn't do it. Yes, you fell, but Jess, the doctors said that none of this was a result of your fall."

"If I had come to the hospital maybe they could have seen that something was wrong! Even if it wasn't the fall that did this at least I would have been here where they could have stopped it! Instead I ignored it and just went to bed."

"Because the doctor told you that you would be fine," Casey added. She knelt down in front of Jess and took both of Jess' hands. "Jess this wasn't your fault. It wasn't, honey." She smiled as she looked over at Christopher. "He needs you to be strong for him right now. He's getting better everyday, but he needs you to be strong, too."

"I don't know if I can. I don't know if I have the strength to keep going and be strong for him and –"

"We'll be strong for you," Alex said softly. "You carry your little boy while we carry you."

Jess reached up and placed her hand over Alex's, which was resting on her shoulder. "Thanks you guys. I know you both probably have a million other more important things to be doing than –"

"There's nothing more important right now," Casey said, shushing her before she could say anything else. "You have been there for both Alex and I countless times, always putting everything on hold to make sure we were okay. Now it's our turn. Don't question it, and don't fight it. Just know that we're here."

Alex grinned and rested her chin on Jess' shoulder. "And that we'd also love to see your little girl. Where is she and what did you name her?"

Jess smiled. "She's in the Pediatrics Ward, and just wait until you see her." She was surprised that her own voice was suddenly stronger and excited. She wanted nothing more than to show off her beautiful daughter to everyone. "She's gorgeous."

"Well with you as her mother, there's no way she couldn't be gorgeous."

"Alex, shut up."

"I'm serious," she continued, pulling Jess away from Christopher and into the hallway. "You're beautiful, Allen's a good looking guy…yep, your kids area going to grow up to be gorgeous adults."

Jess sighed as they entered the room where Alexa was. "Let's just hope for their sake that Allen decides to come to his senses. I'd hate to have to raise these two alone."

Casey wrapped her arm around Jess and stopped in front of Alexa's bed. "Well that will never happen." She smiled and looked down at the baby sleeping in the bed in front of her. "Jess, she's beautiful."

"She looks like you," Alex added. "What'd you name her?"

Jess smiled slyly as she stood up slowly and walked around the bed. This wasn't the easiest thing to do as she was still pretty sore, but she managed. She handed Alex the medical clipboard and bit her lower lip. "I wanted her to have a strong name," she said softly.

Alex furrowed her eyebrows as she hesitantly took the clipboard from Jess. She looked to Casey for an explanation, but Casey only shrugged. As soon as she saw the name written across the top of the paper, however, her eyes widened and she had to grip the side of the bed in order to keep her balance. She looked up at Jess, her eyes wide with shock. "You…her name's…what…"

Jess walked to the foot of the bed and put her arm around Alex. "I wanted her to have a strong name," she repeated simply. "Allen picked Christopher Michael for personal reasons, and I did the same with this little gal. I wanted to name her after someone I love and admire and look up to –"

"You only look up to me because I'm taller than you," Alex joked, trying to downplay Jess' praises.

"Nope," Jess insisted. "Don't you dare try to argue with me either. I look up to you because you're an incredible woman and I honestly don't know where I would be if you weren't in my life."

Alex wiped away a tear and smiled. "You're a good kid, Jess."

"I try."

"And you do well."

Just then, one of the nurses came in. She smiled when she saw the women standing over Alexa's bed. She picked up the chart and made some notes before looking at Jess. "She's up two more ounces from yesterday. That's a really good sign."

"Two ounces?" Jess asked hopefully.

"Two ounces," the nurse answered, smiling warmly. "And it's about time she ate, too. Would you like to feed her?"

Jess nodded excitedly. "Absolutely." She slowly picked Alexa up out of her crib and sat down in the rocking chair behind her. She knew that, while Alexa would no doubt drink from the bottle, odds were that she would throw up a good bit of it. As long as she threw up less than she drank, Jess didn't care.

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Elliot pounded on the door for what seemed like forever. He pounded until his fist was sore. He was sure the neighbors would hear and complain, even though the closest house was a good three hundred feet away. It was only then that he realized Allen's car wasn't in the driveway like it usually was. He sighed and tried the door handle. To his surprise, it was unlocked.

As soon as he walked inside he could tell something wasn't right. He'd only ever been to this house twice before, so he couldn't really tell if something was missing or out of place. Still, he could feel that something was wrong. He made his way into the bedroom and frowned. All of the dresser drawers on one side of the bureau were open and empty. He looked in the bathroom and found only Jess' items. One quick look in the closet was enough to convince him that Allen had packed quickly and left. _Shit_, he thought to himself as he walked out into the living room to sit down.

He had only been sitting on the couch for a few seconds when he saw it. Sitting on the corner of the coffee table was a note. He picked it up and read it. _You bastard_, he thought, shaking his head and standing up to pace back and forth. _You fucking left her, didn't you? You Goddamn son of a bitch._

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"He did what?" Olivia screamed, moving out of the way so Elliot could come inside.

"According to the note he's gone. It sounds like he's pretty sorry, but he's not there. Looks like he packed a few suitcases and took off, and there's no clues as to where he might have gone."

"Damn."

She looked tired. He couldn't help but feel the need to take care of this on his own so she could take care of herself. He smiled encouragingly and nodded. "I'll go check out his cards and stuff, see if I can't tell where he's gone. You get some rest."

She shook her head. "Elliot, I can't ask you to –"

"You're not asking. I'm volunteering. I want to find this guy so I can go knock some sense into him. He needs to know that just because he messes up royally, he can't just run out on his family."

"Thanks, Elliot."

He nodded and cocked his head. "I know. Just promise me that you'll take care of yourself tonight. It's your first night home and you really need to focus on getting better so you can –"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, so I can come back and you can get rid of Dani." She laughed and ushered him out the door. "I promise I'll make myself a nice dinner and take a long, relaxing bubble bath. Now get out of here!"

As soon as he left, she closed the door and sighed. This was the absolute worst timing she had ever seen. How the hell could Allen do something like this when she so desperately needed Alex to be with her? _Stop it, Olivia,_ she thought to herself. _Jess needs Alex right now, more than you do_. She took a deep breath and headed for the kitchen, deciding to cook that chicken soup and take a long, relaxing bubble bath. _It would be a lot better if Alex was in the bubble bath with me…dammit, Olivia, stop it!_ She laughed and shook her head. She really needed to get back to her real life. She was starting to go crazy with all this mundane activity.

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Three days later, Alexa was released from the hospital. Jess had been released the same day Allen had flipped out on her, but had not left the building even once. She hadn't wanted to leave her children's sides. Now that Alexa was free to go, she found herself unsure of what to do. She wanted to take Alexa home, but she didn't want to leave Christopher alone.

"We'll take turns," Casey suggested. She held up her hand before Jess could argue. "He won't ever be alone, unless it's by doctor's orders and there's nothing we can do about it. You take your little girl home. One of us will come with you and one of us will stay here with him. We'll alternate every night or so. That way, you can come visit him, too, but you won't have to worry about ignoring Alexa while you're doing it."

Jess shook her head in protest. "I can't ask you guys to –"

"You're not asking, we're volunteering," Alex corrected her. "Don't fight us, Jess. Let us help you. You can't do this by yourself, honey…nobody could." She wrapped her arm around Jess' shoulders and smiled. "Come on. We'll take you home and then one of us will come back here to keep an eye on little Christopher."

It wasn't until they were in the car, driving towards Jess' house that she hesitated. She looked over at the sleeping baby in the car seat next to her and frowned. Her breathing increased and she could feel her palms starting to sweat. "Hey, guys, I, um…I don't really think…I don't think I can – can go home…at least not right now." She looked apologetically at Casey as the woman turned around to face her. "Just take me to a hotel or something. I'll be okay."

"Over my dead body," Alex argued, not taking her eyes off the road. "You can stay with Liv and I until you're ready to go back home. There is no way in hell we're going to let you stay in a hotel right now."

Jess tried to argue. "Alex, I can't impose on you like this. You and Liv –"

"We're fine," Alex insisted. "We'll swing by your place so we can pick up a few things, then we'll go to mine." She looked over at Casey and bit her lower lip. "You think Julia will be okay if you stay out with Christopher tonight, or should I do it?"

Casey shook her head. "I talked to her this morning before I left and she said she's okay if I stay out. She said it really wasn't that bad when she stayed with Steve the first night. I think she'll be fine."

"Are you guys sure this is okay?" Jess asked, still feeling guilty that her friends were putting their lives on hold for her. She didn't feel like she deserved any of this from them. "I feel like I'm really putting you guys out."

Alex parked the car in her driveway and turned off the engine. She took a deep breath and turned around in her seat. "You're not putting us out, Jess." She locked eyes with her niece and gave her a stern look. "After everything you've done for us…helping Casey get Liv and I back together, helping me battle my demons, letting both of us crash at your place numerous times, giving Casey the idea to go camping and write the letter…Jess, the list goes on. Let us help you now. Don't feel bad and don't apologize. We're your friends, Jess, your family. Lean on us, sweetie. We're right here."

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"There's no sign of him," Elliot said to Olivia that evening. She had called him, begged him to tell her what he had found. "All we can find is that he withdrew seven hundred dollars from his bank account. We've got guys out looking for him and put a hit out on his car, but so far we've come up with nothing."

Olivia sighed and leaned against the back of her chair. Alex and Jess were out in the living room setting up a movie. She had promised to join them after she made this phone call. "What the hell is he doing pulling out seven hundred dollars? Did you check the airlines and trains and everything?"

"We're still looking, Liv, but so far we haven't found him. He hasn't booked a flight anywhere, unless he's using another name, and there's nothing to indicate that's what he's doing. His car is gone, so odds are he's driving it. We're monitoring the tolls as well. He's got one of those EZ Pass things."

"Well as soon as you find something call me. Jess is falling apart right now and there's not a whole lot Alex and I can do to help her. She needs answers, Elliot. She needs to know where her husband is and why he did what he did."

"We'll find him," he promised.

"You'd better."

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"This is killing her, isn't it?" Olivia asked in bed that night. "I've seen the kid upset before, but this is something else. She just…this is really killing her."

Alex nodded and snuggled close to Olivia. "It really is. I want to kill Allen for doing this to her. I hope to God they have him in protective custody when they find him because I swear I'll kill him."

"Not if I get to him first."

Alex laughed weakly and traced Olivia's cheekbone with her thumb. "I hate that this happened right now. I hate that I'm focusing so much on her and practically nothing on you. I want to spend more time with you, Liv."

Olivia smiled and rested her head against Alex's. "I'm glad you're doing this for her, Alex. I know I'm hurting right now and I want nothing more than to sleep in your arms all day, but she needs you a little more than I do." She looked up and offered Alex a half-smile. "Allen's timing really sucks, doesn't it?"

Alex sighed. "Yeah, it really does."

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	39. Hold Your Son

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

So, I've been a bad little updater. I've been so incredibly busy it's ridiculous. I'm part of a local theater group and our rehearsal and performance schedule have been crazy. Luckily, that's over now, so I have a little more time. My sister's been sick with some nasty stomach virus that landed her in the emergency room yesterday, but she's back home and feeling a little better. Plus, someone slammed their car against my dad's house – no holes or anything, but no power and definite structural damage. So, here I am, tired and stressed as hell, and trying my best to update. Hope it works…

Also, my muse seems to have run away again. I'm not quite sure I've found her yet, but hopefully she'll come home soon. I know this update is going to be kinda choppy in places, but it's the best I can do right now…

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The hospital smelled clean, which she figured was a good thing, but at the same time, it gave her the creeps. She was in the NICU, surrounded by babies, and all she could smell was nothing. She couldn't even smell a dirty diaper, or sour milk that seemed to always cover infants' clothing. That added to the very white walls made for a very cold room. _This is the NICU,_ she thought. _Shouldn't it be colorful and bright or something_? It surely wasn't a quiet place, though that was to be expected. All over the place, babies were screaming and thrashing about. Except one. One baby was lying completely still, making no movements at all. He hadn't made a single movement since he was born one week ago, though the doctors had mentioned that his lungs were getting a little stronger. He was still on the ventilator, but doctors were also hopeful that he would have it removed within the next two weeks or so. It was a very odd experience, watching the motionless child in front of her, and looking at the bare walls, and it made her slightly uncomfortable. Still, she was here for a reason, and there was no way she was leaving that little boy alone tonight.

Casey sat in a chair next to the incubator, staring at the small child that lay inside. Alex had stayed with him the previous night, and had said that it wasn't an easy thing to do. Christopher was incredibly small, and the doctors and nurses came over every few hours to monitor his vitals. It was difficult to watch so much happening to a child so small, and she had tried her best to warn Casey. Still, no matter how much she had tried to listen to Alex's descriptions, nothing could have prepared her for her night with Christopher. She watched as the nurses changed his IV, monitored his heart rate and blood pressure, and did other checks to make sure he was okay.

"Hey, handsome," she whispered through the glass. "You better start getting stronger here pretty soon or your mother's going to have a freaking heart attack." She smiled and wiped away a tear. As she stared down at the small child in front of her, she couldn't hold back the tears any longer. Christopher just looked so small and fragile lying in that incubator, and there really wasn't anything she could do to help him. "Your mother's a strong woman, kid. She's going to take good care of you. You've just got to get better so she can have that chance."

After much debate, the night staff had finally allowed Casey to pull a cot next to Christopher's bed. They'd told her that they would have to wake her up should anything happen to him, and she of course did not argue that. "You can wake me up every five minutes if you have to, but I am not leaving that boy alone tonight."

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"You guys still haven't found him have you?" Jess asked Olivia and Alex at dinner the following night. She pushed her mashed potatoes around on her plate and closed her eyes, trying to force herself to remain calm and collected. Allen had left seven days ago, and she hadn't heard anything from him since. She was glad that Olivia and Alex were being so welcoming and allowing her to stay with them, but she hated that they felt they had to do this. She hated that they were doting on her and putting everything aside to make her feel at home. She was more than willing to go out of her way to help others, but as soon as they began to return the favor, she closed up and felt uncomfortable. "Elliot and the guys haven't found anything either?"

Olivia shook her head sadly. "The guys are all looking for him, but no, they haven't found anything yet. They will. They're good at what they do." She reached across the table and gently squeezed Jess' hand. "We'll find him, honey. I promise."

"What if he's not in New York anymore?"

"What reason would he have to leave?"

Jess looked up and frowned. "What reason does he have to stay?" She laughed angrily and shook her head. "He obviously blames me for this and wants nothing more to do with me or his children. What's keeping him from just taking all the money and running off to Mexico?"

"Jess he's not going to do that and you know it," Alex assured her. "You read the note he left. He feels guilty and he's just not sure how to fix this. He needs time to figure out why he did what he did."

Jess sighed and closed her eyes. "I just want him back. I know I'm mad at him and I want to kill him for what he did, but…I miss him so much. I want him to be there when they let me hold Christopher for the first time. I don't want to raise these two without him."

"We'll find him, Jess," Olivia promised. "And you can be sure we'll kick his ass when we do." She was glad when she saw a small smile creep onto Jess' face, but it disappeared quickly. The girl just wasn't able to hold a smile for very long right now, and it was painful to witness. She was usually smiling all the time. Now it was a rare occurrence. "I don't care how bad he feels about this, he needs someone to knock some sense into him. He needs to know that what he did wasn't okay."

"I know," Jess said softly. She looked over to the blanket lying on the floor in the living room. Alexa was beginning to stir and cry a bit. She excused herself from the table and picked up Alexa. "Hey, sweetie," she whispered. "You getting hungry?" At the sound of her mother's voice, Alexa began to calm down a bit, though she was still obviously distraught. "I think I'm going to go feed her," Jess told Alex and Olivia as she turned to walk into the guest bedroom. "I'll probably just go to bed after that. I'm exhausted."

Alex smiled and nodded reassuringly. "Get some rest, Jess, and don't you dare hesitate to wake us if you need something. We're here for you just like you've always been here for us. Got it?"

Jess managed a small nod, but didn't say anything. As much as she needed Olivia and Alex, if she woke up in the middle of the night feeling scared or lonely, there was no way she was going to wake them. She was always the strong, happy one, and she wasn't ready to let go of that image, not yet. For the time being, she would lean on them a bit, but not nearly as much as she knew she needed to.

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He rang the doorbell and waited. It was nearly eleven, and he knew they usually went to bed by nine, but he felt he didn't have any other place to go. He hated to wake them, knowing that by doing so he would send them into a panic, but this was the only place he felt safe. After waiting for nearly two minutes, he rang the bell again. This time, he noticed one of the upstairs lights turn on, then heard footsteps coming down the stairs and towards the door. It opened slowly and cautiously, and his mother nervously poked her head around. "Allen?" she asked, completely confused.

"Hey, mom," he said, forcing a fake smile and taking a deep breath. He knew he couldn't pretend to be okay in front of her, but he wanted to at least make it inside the house before he fell apart. He shifted his suitcase to his other hand and bit his lower lip. "Do you mind if I come in?"

She shook her head worriedly and stepped aside so he could come in. "What on earth are you doing here, and at this hour? What's going on, Allen? Where is Jessica?"

He sat down on the couch and put his face in his hands. "I messed up, mom," he cried. "I messed up and I don't think I can fix it. She's never going to forgive me…not that I deserve her forgiveness."

She sat down next to him and gently rubbed his back. "Honey, what happened?"

"Where's momma?" he asked, looking at her with questioning eyes. "I'm so sorry I woke you. You should go back to bed. I'll just leave." He stood and began walking towards the door when he heard footsteps coming down the stairs.

"Allen David Handley, you stop right there."

Her voice seemed to shake the entire house. He turned around and ran to her, throwing his arms around her and sobbing. "Momma, I messed up and there's no way for me to fix it. I messed up and – and I can't – can't go back home. I don't think I can ever go back home."

His mothers looked worriedly at each other, but decided not to say anything. They knew they needed to reprimand him for whatever it was that he had done, but they just couldn't bring themselves to do it right now. Instead, they led him up to the guest bedroom and helped him get settled in. They would wait until morning to yell at him. Right now, he needed his rest.

"I won't stay long," he said as he slowly laid his head against his pillow. "I just didn't know where else to go." His voice was beginning to crack as he started crying again. "I needed to get out of the house and –"

"Allen, stop. Sleep now," his mother told him. "Momma and I are gonna let you rest for tonight and we'll worry about all of this in the morning. You just go to sleep. We'll figure everything out in the morning."

He rolled over and looked at them. They were both sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at him with concern in their eyes. As they sat there, he knew that as badly as he had messed up, they would still love him. He was lucky to have them, and he knew it. They were the only family he'd ever known, until now. And now he was afraid he'd lost three of the most important people in his life. "She's never going to forgive me. I –"

"Sleep now, Allen. We'll talk in the morning."

"Okay," he said, taking a long, deep breath. "'Night, mom. 'Night momma. I love you."

"We love you, too sweetie. Get some rest. We'll see you in the morning."

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Her phone was ringing, but she had Alex wrapped so snuggly in her arms that she didn't dare let go. Besides, who the hell was calling her at three in the morning? It stopped ringing, but rather than leave a message, the caller simply hit redial and her phone began vibrating and ringing again. "Mmmmm," she moaned. "Go away." She squeezed Alex tight and sighed, trying to fall back asleep.

"Liv, answer your phone," Alex groaned, pulling away from her, hoping that by doing so Olivia would answer it. "This is the fourth time in less than ten minutes that it's rung. Somebody obviously needs to reach you."

"But I was so warm with you in my arms."

Alex grinned and tickled Olivia's arm. "And I was comfortable in your arms, but you need to answer your phone. It's got to be urgent if they're calling you this often in this short a period of time."

Olivia moaned again. "I hate it when you're right."

"I'm always right. Get used to it."

Olivia rolled her eyes and picked up her phone. "Benson, and this better be important."

"We found him."

She furrowed her eyebrows. "Elliot?"

"Yeah, it's me. We found him."

"You found who?"

"Allen. We found him."

She bolted up into a sitting position and grabbed her phone before she could drop it. "You found him?" she asked, afraid to sound hopeful but being unable to hide her hope. "Is he okay? Where is he?"

Elliot took a deep breath. "He's in Wisconsin."

"Wisconsin? What the hell's in Wisconsin?"

"His mothers," Jess said from the doorway. "They moved there a few years ago." She hesitated in the doorway for a minute, but came into the room when Olivia patted the bed next to her and told Elliot she'd call him back in a few minutes. "He went home," she said weakly as she sat down on the bed.

Olivia pulled her into a half hug and closed her eyes, trying desperately to find something to say, but was unable to come up with anything. She squeezed Jess a little tighter and wiped a few tears from Jess' eyes. "He didn't go home, Jess," she finally managed to say. "He ran away from it."

At Olivia's words, Jess began shaking, trying her best to hold back the tears. "I can't do this without him. I need him here with me. I don't care how pissed off I am at him. I need him here."

"And you'd better believe that he will come back," Alex promised. She almost regretted saying those words, knowing that in reality she couldn't guarantee they were true. Still, she had heard the note Allen had written, and she felt she knew him well enough to know that he would come back soon. He might need a good ass kicking to get him back, but he would return. She smiled and leaned her head on Jess' shoulder. "I'll make sure of that, even if I have to fly out to Wisconsin myself."

Jess raised her eyebrows and cocked her head. "You'd fly out to Wisconsin?"

"If it meant that I could bring him home, you'd better believe I would."

"And if he won't come home?"

"Then I'll knock him out and stuff him in my suitcase," she joked, though her voice was slightly serious. "We'll get him home, Jess. I know it. He wants to be here with you. He wants to raise these two with you. Believe that."

"I'm scared to."

"I know. If you're not ready to believe that, just believe that Liv and I, and even Casey and Steve are going to do anything and everything in our power to bring him home."

Jess smiled. "That much I can believe."

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Casey was just about to fall asleep when a slight movement caught the corner of her eye. She tilted her head and leaned in closer, trying to get a better view. It took nearly three minutes, but she saw it again. _His hand just moved_, she thought, getting so excited she could barely sit still. _He hasn't moved a muscle since he was born, but now his hand is moving!_ She yelled giddily for the nurses to come quick, but must have sounded worried because several of them came running so fast they probably thought the building was on fire.

"His hand moved!" she screamed as they ran over. "He opened and closed it!" She looked into the incubator and frowned as she noticed that Christopher had stopped moving his hand. _Come on,_ she silently urged him. _You just moved for me. Now do it for the nurses. Show them you're getting stronger_.

The nurses were about to give up when one of them noticed the movement. She quickly stopped the others from leaving and they all watched excitedly as Christopher opened his hand slowly, then closed it, and repeated the movement several more times. Then, as if all of his strength seemed to be coming at once, his eyelids began to flutter.

Casey started jumping up and down. "Atta boy, Chris," she encouraged. "I have to go call your mother. She's going to want to see this." She turned to the nurses and raised her eyebrows. "Someone's going to keep an eye on him until I finish that phone call, right?" She waited until she was sure one of the nurses would stay, then left to call Jess, hoping that this would bring about some peace for her. _If anybody deserves some peace right now, it's you, kid,_ Casey thought as she walked down the hall towards the pay phone. She just prayed that this new miracle was enough to bring Jess out of this depression she had fallen into. It was painful to see Jess so depressed that she rarely left the bed, and she was determined to do anything and everything to fix it.

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"What do you mean I can hold him?" Jess asked four hours after arriving at the hospital. Since arriving, she had seen Christopher open and close both of his hands, open his eyes, ake his first breaths off the ventilator, and cry for the first time. It had been a stressful, intense, and joyous four hours. Now the nurses were telling her that she could hold Christopher for the first time, she felt like she was about to pass out. She had to sit down in the chair and take several deep breaths before speaking again. "I can actually hold my son now?"

The nurse smiled and nodded as she picked up Christopher and carried him over to Jess. She was very slow and careful with her movements, making sure to hold Chris' head in place and keep him wrapped in the blankets. "Here," she said softly, handing him over to Jess. "Hold your son."

Jess held her breath as Christopher was gently placed in her arms. She started shaking as the tears began to flow down her eyes. As she looked up, she noticed that Alex, Olivia, and Casey were all crying as well. She was lucky to have the friends she had, and she was willing to do anything to keep them. "I can't believe I'm actually holding him. He's so tiny, but I'm holding him. I'm actually holding him."

Alex bent down and kissed the top of Christopher's head, then squeezed Jess' hand. "You're holding your son, Jess. This right here is proof of how strong a fighter he is. He's going to make it, kiddo, just you watch. He'll be playing football out in the backyard before you know it."

Jess laughed and wiped away a tear. "God, I hope so."

"He will."

"Thanks for coming you guys. And Casey, thanks for getting Steve to bring Alexa. I want her to see her brother again. It's been too long since they've seen each other and I think it'll do some good."

Casey shook her head and knelt down so Alexa and Christopher were next to each other. "Steve was more than happy to do it, and believe it or not Julia was willing to ride in the car with him just so this could happen."

"Casey, that's great!" Jess exclaimed.

"I'm proud of that kid."

"You should be," Jess said, then looked down at her two children, who had managed to turn their heads so they were facing one another. Neither of them had the strength to move their arms much, but at least they were looking at each other. Jess could already tell that by doing so, they were getting stronger. Just seeing each other again was giving them strength. She sighed. "Allen should be here for this. I'm holding our son and he's not here."

Casey nervously bit her lower lip and took a deep breath as she handed Alexa to Olivia. "I um, I kind of um, I kind of did something sort of big when I saw Christopher moving."

Jess furrowed her eyebrows. "What?"

"I bought a plane ticket to Madison."

"You _what_?"

Casey nodded. "I'm going to make sure Allen at least comes back to talk to you. I can't make him stay, but I _can_ make him come back so the two of you can talk. Besides, he really needs to see this, too."

"You're flying to Wisconsin?"

"Yep. Julia's going to stay with Olivia and Alex while I'm away…she's getting kind of weary of Steve. She's stayed with him the last two nights, which is amazing, but she needs a break. Don't worry about it though. Everything's okay."

Jess turned to Olivia and Alex. "Where is she going to sleep? I'm in the guest bedroom. I can leave if you want. I don't want her –"

Alex smiled and put her finger over Jess' mouth. "The couch in the living room folds out into a bed. She'll be fine there, and she's really excited to spend some time with Alexa."

"Are you two sure it's not too much?"

"We're positive."

"Believe them," Casey said firmly. "Now I've got to run. My plane leaves in a few hours. I promise I'll bring Allen home. Plus, I'm bringing back up, just in case the situation gets a little hairy."

"Back up?"

"He'll be home soon, Jess. He might look a little different when he does, but I promise you he will be home soon." With that, she turned around and walked out of the room, sensing Jess' confusion as she did so. As she heard the hospital doors close behind her, she couldn't help but smile. As stressful as the last two weeks had been, it was finally starting to look as though things were looking up. _Now if I can only get Allen to come home without a fight_, she thought, climbing into her car and driving towards the airport.

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"Okay Allen, we're going to sit down in the living room with our tea, and we're going to figure things out," his mother said as she poured the boiling water into the three cups. She lead him out to the living room and sat down next to him, frowning as he cupped his tea in his hands, not taking a sip. "What happened, honey?"

He shook his head and stared at his tea. "I really, really messed up. I said something that I shouldn't have – something that I can never, ever take back." He traced the rim of his cup but still didn't take a sip. "I just ruined the best thing that's ever happened to me."

"Stop," she said. "Now momma and I are going to sit here and listen while you tell us what happened, but this pity party is going to stop." Her voice was firm and authoritative, but also filled with love. She loved her son more than anything else in this world, and she hated seeing him in so much pain.

"I, um, I just…" he took a deep breath and looked up at his mothers, both of whom were sitting on either side of him, waiting to hold him and love him, and then probably beat him senseless for making such a huge mistake. "Do you remember when I told you about her reaction when I proposed to her – when she told me she was afraid she'd hurt me?" As they both nodded, he sighed. "Well I kind of made that fear come true for her."

"You did what?" Momma asked.

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat and took his first sip of tea. "Christopher was really sick and the doctors were saying that his odds were pretty slim. Jess was really upset and I remember just holding her for those first three days. Alexa was sick, but not nearly as sick as Christopher, and doctors were saying she would probably be okay. Then Jess kind of started acting funny that third day. I finally got her to talk though. She told me that the day before she went into labor, she fell against the sink. She said she'd bled a little, called the doctor, and had been told that she was fine. She didn't talk to me about it." He sighed and bit his lower lip. "I just freaked out. I was so worried about losing Christopher that I lost it. I blamed her. I told her she was right when she said she'd only end up hurting me. Then I walked out of the room, and I haven't been back since."

They looked at each other in shock. Was this the boy they had raised since the age of six? Where on earth had he learned to behave like that? This was not the kind of thing he was capable of doing in a regular situation. There had to be other factors. Something else had to have happened for him to have reacted the way that he did.

"What happened, Allen?" his mother asked. "What else happened? What else was going on, honey?"

He took a deep breath and looked straight ahead. "I got a phone call the day before she told me. It was from a couple in Cleveland. Apparently they'd been trying for months to find me..."

"Why were they looking for you?" his mother asked as he drifted off. She wanted him to keep talking so that he would eventually get out whatever else he was hiding. That was the only way he was ever going to be able to try to fix things. "Who was this couple?"

"Christopher's parents."

"Christopher?" she asked, pausing to think for a minute. "Christopher as in the kid you lived with in the foster home?"

"Yeah."

"Why were they looking for you?"

"They told me that when they took Chris in when he was seventeen, he pretty much never stopped talking about me. They told me he really liked me and that he was glad I was saved so quickly. They even said that he'd done remarkably well in therapy and was even dating."

"But?"

"He was on his way home from work when a drunk driver ran a red light. He died on impact. They promised me he didn't suffer." He was surprised at how quickly the words were coming out of his mouth. He hadn't expected it to be this easy. Still, he knew how much his mothers loved him. It shouldn't have been that surprising that they were so willing to sit and listen. That was what gave him the strength to keep going. "I didn't tell Jess. I actually still haven't told her. I just…when I heard that Christopher probably wasn't going to live through the week, I completely flipped out. I'd just lost the person who really helped me out when I was first removed from my home. That's why I wanted to name my son after him. When I realized my son was probably going to die, too, I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle it if the two most important men in my life died. I named my son Christopher Michael in the hopes that he'd grow up to be strong and brave like Christopher Michael I admired. I didn't know how to handle it when I found out that might not happen. That's why I flipped out at her. I blamed her when I shouldn't have because I was so upset and needed an outlet for my anger. She's never going to forgive me and I don't deserve to be forgiven. I deserve to be shoved out into the cold and never heard from again."

Before either of them could say anything, there was a knock at the door. They looked at each other in confusion, but stood and answered it. "Allen," his mother said as they walked back into the living room. "There's a very angry woman here to see you…and she's carrying a softball bat."

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	40. I Want to Call Them Mom and Dad

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

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Casey was holding the bat in her left hand, swinging it around in circles, her wrist quickly growing sore. _Come on, Allen. Get your ass out here so I can kick it._ She turned and looked at one of the pictures hanging on the wall. On either end of the photo were Allen's mothers, though they were several years younger here. Between them stood three boys who she figured were between six and ten years old. Everybody looked so happy. She stepped closer and stared at the boy in the middle. He was wearing a birthday hat and smiling eagerly for the camera. It made her smile to see everyone in the picture so happy. "This is what a family should look like."

"That was my eighth birthday," Allen said, suddenly appearing in the hallway and causing Casey to jump in surprise. He smiled and walked over to the picture. "It was the first birthday party I'd ever had."

"I'm not really here to reminisce about the good ol' days," Casey muttered though clenched teeth as she turned around to face him. She took two steps closer and began swinging the bat in circles again. "I'm here to knock some sense into you and believe me I will use this bat if I have to."

"You won't have to, I promise."

Casey stopped swinging the bat and walked over so she was less than one foot away from him. "You really, really hurt her. That's not even why I'm here though. Husbands and wives fight and hurt each other all the time. It's a part of being married." She shook her head and started pacing, once again swinging the bat around in circles. "I'm here because of the way you hurt her. Out of all the things you could have done to vent your frustration, you chose to blame her. You made her one huge fear come true. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't beat the shit out of you right now."

"I can't," he said, wiping away his tears. His cheeks were soaked. How long had he been crying – and why hadn't Casey said anything? "You have every right to beat the shit out of me. Just…don't swing too hard. My health insurance isn't that great."

Casey sighed and leaned the bat against the wall. "How about we go out into the living room and actually talk?" She smiled at his confusion and tugged on his arm. "I wasn't really planning on beating you unless I found you thoroughly enjoying your new found freedom…or if you attacked me first. The bat was more for protection and show."

"You have every right to beat me with it."

"I know, and don't tempt me."

He smiled weakly as they sat down on the couch. His mothers had gone back up to bed, and he was glad he wasn't keeping them awake with his problems. He knew they would be there for him when he needed them, but right now he wanted to let them sleep. "I don't know how to fix this," he said several minutes later, feeling the need to break the silence that had fallen over the room.

Casey cocked her head and raised her eyebrows in slight annoyance. "Well you can start by going home and talking to your wife. You need to explain your actions to her. Then you need to spend the rest of your life making it up to her."

"Go home?" he asked incredulously. "You want me to go home at a time like this? She has got to be so pissed off at me that home is the least safest place for me to go!"

She couldn't think of anything to say, so she smacked him across the face, hard. Then she smacked him again. She closed her eyes and held her breath, trying to regain her composure. "You have to go home," she said, not bothering to apologize for hitting him. He had deserved it. "Your wife is broken, Allen. I've never seen anybody like this before. She's usually the energetic and fun one. She's usually smiling and eager to face the day. Usually, when you're in a room with her, you can't help but feel happier because she brings this happy presence with her wherever she goes." She shook her head and stared at him. "But now, she barely has the strength to get out of bed in the morning. The fact that Alexa's home and doing well is the _only_ thing that is keeping her going at the moment. She keeps apologizing to everyone for being so depressed lately and quite frankly you should be the one apologizing. It took us several hours to get her out of bed and to the hospital the other day. She could barely enjoy holding Christopher for the first time because you weren't there with her to enjoy it."

Allen's eyes widened. "Jess held him? He's –"

"Getting stronger every single day. He'll probably go home in three or four weeks. She held him, Allen. She held him and fed him, and she as so excited. I think that was the only time she really smiled since you left. Then she realized she was holding him and you weren't there, and she fell apart. We can only do so much for her, Allen. We can love and support her and carry her through this, but we can't do everything. She needs _you_, Allen." She stood up and walked back out into the hallway, grabbing her softball bat and walking towards the door.

"You're leaving already?" he asked, following her out into the hallway. "You bought a roundtrip ticket all the way out here just to have a fifteen minute conversation with me?"

She spun around and their eyes met. "Yes," she said simply. "Your decision about whether or not or not you're going home has already made and there's nothing I can do to change it. I just wanted to make sure that you understood just how broken she really is. Her children are getting better and she can barely enjoy it. I can't make you go home, but I can make you at least explain what you did. If you do nothing else, give her an explanation. You owe her that much. " She walked out the door before he could respond. She wanted to make sure she at least had the last word during this visit. It was all up to him now. She had done everything she could.

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"Did you get to hold him again?" Julia asked eagerly as she, Steve, and Jess sat down to eat. She had gotten upset when Casey had told her that she'd be flying half way cross the country that day. It hadn't been easy, but she'd managed to force herself to talk to Casey before she left. Jess had offered to stay with her overnight, saying that Alex and Olivia were probably ready for a break anyway. Everyone had objected at first, saying that Jess wasn't inconveniencing anyone, but she had insisted, and Julia was eternally grateful. "Did you get to hold him? Oh, oh, oh! Did you get to feed him? And change his diaper? I know that's kinda gross, but I guess when it's your own kid –"

"Julia," Steve interrupted playfully. "Give the woman room to breathe."

"It's fine," Jess said quickly. She could see how excited Julia was, and that excitement was contagious. She smiled and leaned closer to Julia. "I got to hold him, feed him, and yes, even change his diaper. He's getting so much stronger, Jules," she said, smiling when she saw Julia grin at the mention of her new nickname, which Casey had recently given her. Jess sat up straighter so she could talk to both Steve and Julia. "They've still got him on oxygen, but he's down to sixty percent. Three or four more weeks and he should be strong enough to come home."

"Yay!" Julia squealed. "Hospitals suck. Besides, he should be home with his family."

"Yes he should."

Julia grinned as she took a bite of her mashed potatoes. "Maybe when they're a little older and stronger, I could babysit them? I mean, if you want someone older, I understand, but I'm more than willing to watch them for you if you want…"

Jess laughed. "Trust me kid, you're on the top of my list of babysitters."

"Seriously?"

"Absolutely. I've seen the way you treat Alexa. Remember the time I couldn't get her to stop crying no matter what I did? All you had to do was hold her and she went right to sleep."

Julia shrugged modestly. "She had worn herself out with all the crying. She was just exhausted."

"Oh no you don't," Jess said firmly. She raised her eyebrows and smiled playfully. "You got her to calm down. You're really good with her, Jules, and I know Christopher will love you just as much as she does."

"I just wish he could come home now," Julia said uneasily. "Hospitals are really scary places…and he's just a little baby. It must be so scary when you can't understand what's happening."

Steve nodded and added a second helping of mashed potatoes to his plate. "Munch and Fin are with him tonight," he assured her. "I'm sure he's fine. He'll probably get tired of listening to Munch's conspiracy theories, but at least he won't be alone."

"Munch's theories are pretty ridiculous," Julia said softly, staring at her plate. "But at least he won't be alone. Anything's better than being alone at the hospital."

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"Are you upset that I still haven't showered with you?" Olivia asked nervously as she climbed into bed with Alex. As much as she loved Jess and was willing to do anything to help her, she was kind of glad that the girl was staying with Julia for the night. It gave her time to talk to Alex. "I mean, I know I miss being with you in the shower and bath, I just, I don't know…"

"I'm not at all upset," Alex whispered, linking her fingers with Olivia's and gently tracing the woman's knuckles. "I knew you for years before I really started dating you. It took me weeks after that to tell you what happened to me. And then it took me three more months before I was ready to show you my scars." She smiled lovingly and pulled Olivia into her arms. "I love you, Liv. You were so patient with me when I needed it. Now it's my turn to be patient. I'm here baby, and I'm not going anywhere."

Olivia curled into a tight ball and buried her face in Alex's chest. As she did this, Alex's arms gently pulled her closer. This only made her cry even more, and as the sobs quickly took over her entire body, she realized she couldn't fight them anymore. It had been one month since her surgery, and she felt like she should be ready to just get over it and move on with her life. Still, whenever she was in the bathroom, she cried every time she saw her body in the mirror. She could look at Alex's scars and see strength and beauty. When she looked at her own scars, she saw an incomplete woman – she was less of a woman now that she had lost her breasts. Her scars were a constant reminder of the hell she had put Alex and everybody else through, and she hated herself for it. She cried hard as she leaned closer against Alex. It was the first time since the surgery that she had really, truly allowed herself to just let go, and it felt amazingly refreshing to be able to do it in the arms of the woman she loved.

"Let it out, Liv," Alex whispered. She wiped away a few of her own tears as she rested her head against Olivia's. "That's what you always tell me. Let it all out. You'll feel better, I promise." She continued to trace Olivia's knuckles with one hand while gently rubbing her back with the other until Olivia had cried all that she could cry. She sat up as she felt Olivia trying to do the same. They sat there, facing each other, and Alex cupped Olivia's face in her hands. "I love you so, so much." She ran her hand over Olivia's head and smiled. "Your hair's starting to grow back. Trust me, before you know it you're going to be back to the Olivia Benson we all miss." She kissed her lightly and rested her forehead against Olivia's again. "I love you."

Olivia gave a slight, relieved laugh and smiled. "I love you, too, and thank you." She leaned back and looked over her shoulder at the bathroom. She smiled nervously as she looked back at Alex. "I know it's almost midnight, but I was thinking maybe…I mean I probably smell because I haven't showered today and, well, if you want to…"

"Are you sure you're ready?"

Olivia took a deep breath and looked into Alex's eyes. The love she saw in them would have made her cry if she'd had any tears left to expel. She remembered how nervous Alex had been during the first few times they had showered together, and she had always wanted to make sure Alex was one hundred percent sure she was ready before they did anything. Now, Alex was doing the same. She didn't know what she had done to deserve Alex, but she wasn't about to start questioning it now. "Yeah," she said, letting out a slow, nervous breath. "I'm ready."

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"Are you sure you're not upset about having to come over tonight?" Julia asked, climbing into bed and pulling the covers up to her shoulders. "I know you and Alexa were kind of settled over at Alex and Liv's. I'm sorry I needed –"

"It's okay," Jess interrupted, hoping to ease Julia's guilt. "I'm not at all upset. I know Alex and Liv would love some time alone, too. Besides, Alexa was all smiles when you were holding her tonight." She crawled into her sleeping bag on the floor and leaned up on her elbows. "Alexa's really taken with you, Jules."

Julia smiled and rolled over so she could see Jess. "I guess so," she said quietly. She waited several more seconds, resting her chin on her hands, before speaking again. "I still feel kind of bad for asking you to come over tonight. I was fine when Casey was at the hospital with Christopher. I guess I just, I mean she's all the way out in Wisconsin and…"

"Hey," Jess said softly. She sat up and crawled over so she was leaning against Julia's bed. "You don't have to feel bad about this. I'm glad you were able to ask me to stay over."

Julia furrowed her eyebrows. "Why?"

"Because it wasn't an easy thing to do, but you did it anyway."

"You don't think I'm weak?"

"Weak?"

Julia sighed. "For not being able to stay one more night with just Steve here."

Jess stood up and sat down on the bed next to Julia. "I don't think you have a weak bone in your body," she said, smiling encouragingly. "You have been through so much, and yet here you are, smiling and happy. How long have you lived with the Novaks – two months?"

"About that."

"Two months and already you're okay with being alone _overnight _with a man in the house." Jess shook her head and gently rubbed Julia's back. "There's absolutely nothing weak about you, kid. I'm proud of ya."

"Really?"

"Absolutely."

Julia leaned over and rested her head against Jess' leg. "I guess I just got a little freaked out because Casey's so far away. I know that Steve's safe and he would never hurt me, but since Casey can't just come right over if I need to call her, I guess I just needed another girl to be with me. Does that make sense?"

"Complete sense."

"Plus, I heard Steve saying his neck was a little sore from sleeping on the couch. He told Casey that he didn't mind at all and he was glad that all he had to do to make me feel safe was sleep on the couch, but I still feel bad. I wanted him to be able to sleep in bed again."

"That's understandable. You're a brave kid, Julia. You're a really brave kid."

She smiled and rolled back over so she was lying on her pillow. As she pulled the covers back over herself, her smile faded. "Hey, Jess?"

"Yeah?" Jess asked, lying back down in her sleeping bag.

"Can I ask you something?"

"You can ask me anything."

"Will you get upset if I have a nightmare? I mean, if I do and I start screaming, I might wake Alexa up and –"

"It's okay," Jess said firmly. "Don't worry about it. If you have a nightmare, I'll help you get back to sleep and then I'll get Alexa back to sleep…if she even wakes up. She's a pretty heavy sleeper."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"Thanks, Jess."

"Anytime, Jules. Anytime."

Julia closed her eyes and tried to go to sleep, but her mind was racing too quickly to do that. She bit her lower lip nervously, not wanting to keep talking, but she couldn't help it. "Hey, Jess?" she whispered.

Jess smiled, though kept her eyes closed. "Yeah, Jules?"

She hesitated for a moment, then took a deep breath. "How do you think Alex and Liv would feel if I started calling them Aunt Alex and Aunt Olivia?

Jess gave a slight laugh as she opened her eyes and shook her head. Leave it to Julia to start asking serious questions right before going to sleep. "I think that would really mean a lot to them."

"I don't know if I'm ready to call Casey and Steve mom and dad yet, but I think I might be ready soon. They're the only parents I've ever really known and they're really, really good to me. I want to call them mom and dad, but I just don't really think I'm ready yet."

"Give it time. It's still really soon. Let yourself get more comfortable here, and wait until you're really ready. They're not going to get upset if it takes you a while. Just go at your own pace. You'll get there."

Julia took a deep breath. "Would it be okay if I called you Aunt Jess?"

Jess was taken aback by Julia's question. Even though the child had just asked about calling Alex and Olivia aunts, she hadn't expected her to ask her the same question. "Of course that would be okay," she said, trying not to sound as if she had been caught off guard. "That would absolutely be okay. You are my favorite niece, by the way."

Julia laughed. "I'm you _only_ niece."

"Yeah, well, you're still my favorite."

Several minutes passed by before Julia realized she still couldn't fall asleep. She rolled over and looked in Jess' direction. "Hey, are you still awake?"

"Barely. You okay?"

"Yeah. I just have one more question."

"Ask away."

"I know you're really mad at him, and I don't really know everything he did, except that it was really mean and that he left suddenly, but do you think once he comes back and buys you a lot of presents and makes up for what he did…do you think I could call him Uncle Allen?"

Jess closed her eyes and swallowed, fighting the tears. "Let's wait to see if he comes back before we start talking about what we're going to call him. I have a few choice names to give him before he gets the right to be called Uncle."

"He'll be back. He loves you," Julia said firmly. "I know he what he did was wrong, but he loves you. He'll come back and apologize, and he'll probably spend the rest of his life making it up to you, but you two will be okay."

"What makes you so sure?"

"Because you love each other." She rolled back over onto her back and closed her eyes. "As mad as you are at him, and as wrong as he was, I know he feels bad and that you're going to forgive him after you yell at him."

"You sure about that?"

"Yep. You two love each other too much not to be together."

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The bathtub was full of steaming water and lavender bubbles. Alex had slowly led Olivia into the bathroom and undressed. As she stepped out of her underwear, she turned around and smiled. Olivia was standing there shaking, wearing only her t-shirt. _Déjà vu_, Alex thought to herself. _Only this time our places are reversed._ She walked over to Olivia and wrapped her arms around her waist. "We can get in like this, Liv," she whispered. "I don't want you to feel like you have to do something you're not ready to do."

Olivia shook her head and smiled. "No," she said firmly. She took a deep breath and pulled out of Alex's hug. This was it. "I'm ready." Very slowly, she pulled her shirt over her head and let it drop to the floor. She squeezed her eyes shut as the shirt lifted over her face, and waited for Alex's reaction.

Alex, sensing Olivia's uneasiness, gently wrapped her arms around Olivia and kissed her lightly. "You're beautiful," Alex whispered. She cupped Olivia's face in her hands and gently wiped away her tears. "You are beautiful."

"I was just…I was afraid you would see me as less of a woman."

"Never," Alex insisted. "You are the most amazing, beautiful, wonderful, sexy, incredible, gorgeous, intelligent, perfect woman I know." She smiled as she met Olivia's eyes. "I can keep going if you'd like, but no matter how many words I think of, there'll never be enough. No words will ever be enough for me to tell you how much I love you."

"So, you're okay with…" her voice trailed off as she looked down at her body. "This?"

Alex placed her hand under Olivia's chin and tilted her head up. "More than okay."

Olivia smiled with relief as she rested her head against Alex's chest. A few tears slid down her face as she felt Alex's arms wrap around her. She tilted her head up and kissed Alex softly on the nose. "Thanks for making this so easy."

Alex shook her head. "You made it easy for me, Liv. I wouldn't dream of making this difficult for you…not after all the patience you showed me. I know what it's like to be scared, and I know what it's like to realize that you don't have to be scared. I want you to know that you don't have to be scared anymore."

Olivia swallowed and nodded her head. "I know that now."

Alex looked over at the bathtub and tilted her head. "I think the water's going to start getting cold soon. You wanna hop in there and let me rub my soapy hands all over you?"

"On one condition."

"What's that?"

"You let me rub my soapy hands all over you, too."

Alex laughed and stepped into the bathtub. "Deal."

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	41. Support From Friends

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

Thanks to one-six for the hog-tied idea ;p

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Jess sat down on the couch in Casey and Steve's living room while Casey made two cups of tea. Julia and Steve had gone to see a movie with Alex and Olivia. Alexa had just fallen asleep. Jess and Casey would have plenty of time to talk.

"Thanks again for staying over with Jules while I was away," Casey said, handing Jess a cup of tea. "Especially on such short notice. I know she really appreciated it, too."

Jess laughed and placed her cup on a coaster on the coffee table. "Are you kidding me? Case, it was my pleasure. You flew all the way out to Wisconsin just to have a ten-minute conversation with Allen. I should be the one thanking you. Are you sure I can't at least pay you back for the airfare?"

Casey shook her head. "Don't you even thinking about paying me back. You let me crash at your place for several nights after I wigged out over my parents' deaths. I went out to Wisconsin so I could knock some sense into that husband of yours. My only regret is that I didn't get to use my bat on him."

Jess sighed and took another sip of tea. She looked out the window and a few tars slid down her cheeks. "He's been gone one month today. I've been staying with you for more than two weeks. I should probably go home and get settled. Christopher is going to be coming home soon."

"You know you're always welcome here, Jess. You don't have to leave –"

"Yes I do. I can't put my life on hold forever. Alexa's nearly eight weeks old. She needs stability. She needs to go home…I need to go home."

Casey nodded understandingly and wrapped her arm around Jess' shoulders. "Then let's get your things packed up and I'll take you two home. How does that sound?"

"That sounds great. Thank you."

"Come on," Casey said, pulling Jess off the couch. "Why don't we pack up your things and stop by the hospital before we take you home, huh? You haven't seen Christopher since yesterday morning."

"Does that make me a bad mother?" Jess asked suddenly.

"What? Of course not! Jess, you're a fantastic mother. Don't you dare ever think otherwise."

Jess sighed as she folded her clothes and put them into her suitcase. "I don't feel fantastic. I'm not there with him as often as I should be. When I am with him I can barely smile because Allen's not with me. He's getting better and I'm barely enjoying it. How the hell can you tell me I'm a fantastic mother?"

"Because you love your children and it shows when you interact with them," Casey said softly as she sat down on the bed and helped Jess pack her suitcase. "Wait until Christopher comes home. It'll be so much easier once that happens." They put the suitcase in the trunk of Casey's car and buckled Alexa into her car seat. "You know I'll fly back out there in a heartbeat if you want me to. I'll bring Liv and Alex with me. We'll beat him up and hog-tie him to the van and force him to come back with us."

Jess managed a slight laugh and looked over at Casey. "I know you would, and I appreciate it, but don't force him to come back. If he's going to come home, I want it to be on his own accord. He has to want to come back. That's the only way I'm going to be able to talk to him."

"I understand. Just know that if you need anything, and I mean anything –"

"I know. Thanks."

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"Casey helped Jess get settled back in at home today," Olivia said, sitting in the chair next to Christopher's bed. "I really wish we could have been there to help, too."

Alex walked up behind Olivia and began massaging her neck. "I wish the same thing, too," she said. She smiled as she walked around to Christopher's bed. She placed her finger in his hand and felt him squeeze it. He was getting stronger. "You heard the woman, though. Under no circumstances are we to leave this boy alone."

"I know," Olivia said sadly. She walked over and gently rubbed Christopher's forehead. "This whole situation just sucks. Jess can't spend nearly as much time with him as she wants to because she's got Alexa to worry about and everything."

"That's not the only reason," Alex said softly, gently tracing Christopher's knuckles.

"What are you talking about?"

Alex sighed and sat back down in the chair. "Allen blamed her for this," she said, even though she knew that Olivia knew this. "He _really_ blamed her. His words broke her, Liv. No matter how many times we tell her this wasn't her fault, she still can't forgive herself. She sees Christopher lying here, she hears Allen's words, and she hates herself. She…"

"She needs to hear Allen tell her it wasn't her fault," Olivia finished. She shook her head and closed her eyes. "Casey's been back nearly two weeks. What if…what if Allen doesn't come back?"

"He will," Alex said quickly. "You heard Casey tell us how upset he is. Maybe he just needs time."

"He's had almost a month!"

"And hopefully that's enough time. Hopefully he's on his way home right now."

"And if he's not?"

Alex sighed and looked over at Christopher, who was sleeping peacefully in his hospital bed. "Then we keep on supporting Jess in any way that we can. We do whatever we can to get her through this. We make sure she knows she's not alone."

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She had just pulled the covers over her shoulders and turned off the light when she heard the phone ring. _I'm gone nearly a month and I don't miss any calls. Then two days after I come home, I get a call at one in the morning?_ She groaned and decided to ignore it, but the caller seemed determined to reach her. She rolled out of bed and stumbled to the phone. "Hello?" she asked groggily.

"Jess! It's Alex," Alex said excitedly.

Hearing Alex's excited voice scared Jess. Was it a good excited or a bad excited? And why was she calling at this hour? "Alex?" she asked worriedly. "What's wrong? What's –"

"They're releasing him!" Alex exclaimed happily.

"W-what?"

"They just told us that at noon tomorrow – or rather, today – he'll be free to go home!" Alex was so excited she was jumping up and down, and getting a lot of stares from strangers in the waiting room, but she didn't care. "Casey and Julia are on their way over right now. They're going to help you get everything completely ready. Then they're coming to the hospital with you and you're finally going to take your son home."

Jess could barely breathe. She had to sit down on her bed so she didn't fall over. "I can…I can take…take him home?" she asked, unable to believe what Alex was saying. Suddenly, she was overcome with fear. "Why? Is he sick? Is that why they're sending him home? So he can die?"

"What?" Alex asked, confused. "No, that's not it at all. Jess, he's well enough to come home now. He's strong."

"Strong?"

"_Strong_. And he's eager to get home." She heard Jess' doorbell ring and smiled. "I'll let you go so Casey and Julia can help you get things ready. I'll see you in a little bit, Jess."

"You'll be there, right?" Jess asked nervously before Alex could hang up the phone. "You and Liv will be there when they release him, won't you?"

"You bet we'll be there. We wouldn't miss this for the world."

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"The nursery's all set," Jess said as she walked into Christopher's hospital room, Julia and Casey following close behind. Steve, Alex, and Olivia were already there. "Well, it's pretty much been ready since all of you came over to set it up. We just had to move Alexa's bed back over next o Christopher's and set up his music mobile thingy."

Steve smiled as he pulled two large bags out from behind the bed. "I stopped by the Babies R Us today on my way over here. I wasn't really sure what size clothes to get him, so I compromised. Half of these are premie and half are zero to three months."

"And we got him this nifty little car seat," Olivia announced happily as she pulled it from behind the bed. "It came with a few toys and a cover for the cold weather. Elliot's on a mission to buy as many diapers, wipes, and nutritional formula as he can possibly fit in his car, and Fin and Munch are on toy duty."

Alex smiled at Jess' stunned expression and walked over to her. "You're all set to bring this little boy _home_." She wrapped her arms around Jess and pulled her into a tight hug. "I know you're going to start feeling bad and want to pay us all back for this, but don't." she rested her chin on Jess' shoulder and whispered so that only Jess could hear her. "I wish we could do more. I know you'd throw all of this away in a heartbeat if it meant you could have Allen back. If there was anything else that we could do to bring him home, we'd do it." She sighed and gently rubbed Jess' back. "We just wanted to show you how much we love you. We wanted to…try to make this a little easier for you. I know it's not much –"

"It's more than I could ever ask for," Jess whispered gratefully. She stepped back and wiped away her tears. "Thank you all so much for this. I don't know what to say, just…thank you."

"We figured all this would make taking care of them a lot easier," Julia piped up nervously, trying to be careful and not say the wrong thing. "You'd probably rather spend more time with them than shopping for their diapers anyway."

"And Julia here has a really good idea for a craft project to go on the wall in the twins' room," Steve said proudly. He noticed Jess raise her eyebrows in interest, but saw Julia just look away. He decided now wasn't the time to argue or push her to talk about it, so he described the idea to Jess. "You already have both their handprints and footprints in that plaster, concrete, whatever stuff, right?"

Jess laughed. "Yeah, they're hanging on the wall in my bathroom."

"Good. Well Julia was thinking of getting their handprints on a piece of paper or something. Then we could blow it up to ten or twenty times its size. She'd cut them out and decorate them with pictures and stuff, and then frame them."

Julia looked to the floor when she felt Jess' gaze shift from Steve over to her. "I can also baby-sit for you," she said nervously, worried about what Jess was going to think of her idea and trying desperately to change the subject. "Even if you just wanted to watch a movie in your living room without being interrupted. You don't have to pay me or anything…"

"Of course I'd pay you," Jess said gently. She walked over to Julia, placed her fingers under the girl's chin, and tilted her head up. "And I love the idea for decorating their handprints."

"Really?"

Jess smiled. "Really."

Just then, the doctor walked in and smiled as everyone hurried to dry their tears. "This is indeed a day to celebrate," she said, walking over to Jess and handing her the clipboard. "Just sign here and you're free to go."

"Is that all? Do I have to do anything special once we get home?"

"I already told your friend – I think his name was Elliot…he stopped by earlier today. Anyway, I told him which formula to get. Just make sure Christopher drinks it. if he has trouble feeding, bring him in and we'll see what we can do."

"What about breastfeeding?"

The doctor smiled. "You can breastfeed him, too. Just make sure he gets twelve to fifteen ounces of the formula everyday. Breast milk is always best, but this formula has a lot of extra nutrients. He's still small, so he needs the extra stuff."

"So that's it?"

"That's it."

"Really?"

The doctor smiled and looked over at the child in the bed next to her. "Go over there and take your son home. Come back if you feel something's really wrong. Otherwise, we'll see both of them at the four-month check-up."

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"I just got a phone call from Warren's attorney," Alex told Olivia at dinner that night. She sat down at the table, a stunned expression on her face. "He says Warren wants to go to trail rather than plead out."

Olivia furrowed her eyebrows. "Plead out? You were going to plead him out? Why?"

"I told him I'd agree to give him fifteen to twenty years if he agreed to give up Beth. I'm having kind of a difficult time proving she did anything wrong in this situation."

"She sold those girls to him!" Olivia screamed angrily. "How the hell could you agree to plea Warren out when you know Beth is guilty?"

"Because I haven't found anything that actually _proves_ she's guilty!" Alex yelled back. She felt the need to defend herself – felt like Olivia was attacking her. She didn't want to give Warren anything less than what he deserved. She'd gone over everything and figured she could easily get his sentences to be served consecutively. He'd be in jail for the next forty-five years. Still, she needed him to give her Beth. "She sold those girls, Liv! She sold Julia! I know Warren hurt them, but he never would have been able to do that without Beth's help!" The tears were now pouring down her face. "I want to get Beth, too. I want her to rot in hell for what she did."

Olivia put her fork down and walked around the table so she could hug Alex. "I'm sorry I yelled," she whispered. "I was just so surprised to hear that you were offering Warren a plea so he would give us information that would help us get a woman we already know is guilty."

"But we can't _prove_ she's guilty!" Alex sobbed, pulling away from Olivia. "We can't _prove_ that she knew Warren's paperwork was fake and we can't _prove_ that she was the one he paid."

"Because the money was forwarded to some account in the Cayman Islands or Switzerland or something," Olivia said softly. She brushed the hair out of Alex's face and traced her cheekbone. "I'm sorry I yelled," she said again.

"I just really want to get her," Alex said, falling into Olivia's arms and beginning to cry even harder. "Getting her licensee taken away doesn't seem like nearly enough. She sold those little girls so she could pay off her stupid gambling debt. I look at Julia and see how much she's had to go through, and I just want her to see a little justice. Why is that so much to ask?"

Alex's sobs were getting worse, and Olivia hated to see her like this. She stood up and gently tugged on her arm. "Come on," she whispered.

"What? Where? We haven't finished dinner."

"Are you hungry?"

"Not really," Alex admitted softly.

Olivia nodded and tugged on Alex's arm again. "Then let's go take a bath. I hate to see you all worked up like this. We'll relax in the bath, I'll hold you and tell you how much I love you, and hopefully you'll feel a little better. If you're hungry, we'll heat this back up. If you're not, we can snuggle up in bed and watch movies until we fall asleep. How does that sound?"

Alex smiled warmly as she finally allowed Olivia to pull her out of her chair. "That sounds wonderful," she said, following Olivia into the bathroom. She slowly removed her clothes and smiled when she noticed Olivia hesitate for a second before taking off her shirt. "You have no idea how lucky I feel that I have you in my life."

Olivia smiled and shook her head when she realized what Alex was trying to do. "I thought I was the one who was helping you feel better, not the other way around."

"We help each other, Liv," Alex said simply, climbing into the bathtub and leaning against Olivia. "That's what loving each other is all about. We help each other."

Olivia smiled as Alex leaned against her. Then it hit her. She'd been cancer-free for more than two months now. She'd been bathing with Alex nearly every day since then, and she was still nervous when she was taking off her shirt. She tried to remember what Alex had been like two months after they'd first started bathing together, but she couldn't. "Hey, Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"You can ask me anything."

"Okay. Don't interrupt me though. My question requires a bit of an explanation and –"

"I'm not going to interrupt you," Alex assured her, then laughed as she realized she'd just done what she'd promised not to do. "Go ahead and ask your question. I'll keep quiet until you're done."

Olivia took a deep breath and tried to find the right words to phrase what she wanted to say. "I um, I just…I remember how scared you were the first several times we did this," she said slowly, wanting to make sure she said what she meant to say rather than say the first thing that came to mind. "I wanted to make sure I did everything I could to make you feel more comfortable; and now you're doing the same for me. Getting in here tonight was a little easier than it was at first, and I know it's going to get easier as more time passes, especially because I know I have you at my side. I just…I can't picture this uneasiness ever going away completely and I was wondering if…if it's the same for you. I know I kind of stopped really trying to make you feel more comfortable once you stopped hesitating before taking off your clothes. Looking back now though, I'm kind of worried. I mean, I know I wouldn't be able to do this right now if it wasn't for you…if you weren't so patient and loving." She paused for a few seconds and took a deep breath. "Did I stop doing what I was doing too quickly? Are you still nervous when you take you clothes off; because honestly I don't see this getting that much easier any time soon."

Alex held her breath as the words came out of Olivia's mouth. She leaned her head back and rested it against Olivia's shoulder. She laced her fingers in with Olivia's and brought Olivia's hands around her so they were in her lap. "Touch me," she whispered, bringing Olivia's fingers to several of her scars.

"What?"

"When we first started doing this, you traced my scars and told me I was beautiful. You wrapped your arms around me, you held me close, and you told me you loved me. I felt safe, and more importantly, loved, for the first time in my entire life." She swallowed and gently squeezed Olivia's hands. "That being said, no, you didn't stop too quickly. You gave me the strength I needed to feel comfortable getting naked with you…showing you my scars." She bit her lower lip nervously and took a deep breath. "I still have days when I'm scared to get undressed in front of you – scared of how you'll react when you see my scars. I just focus on what you always did in the beginning, and I look into your eyes, and then I feel a lot better. I don't think the nervousness and fear will ever go away completely, but it'll get easier." She traced her fingers over Olivia's knuckles and sighed. "You move as slowly with this as you need to, Liv. If you need to shower alone, tell me. If you need to wear a shirt, wear it. If you're feeling fine and want to jump right on in, then that's what we'll do. I want to make you feel comfortable in the same way you always made me feel comfortable."

Olivia traced her fingers over Alex's scars and cursed herself for not realizing that Alex still sometimes struggled with this. How the hell hadn't she noticed it before? "You're beautiful," she whispered, her fingers moving from one scar to the next on Alex's stomach. "You're so beautiful, Alex. I'm so sorry I stopped doing this. I know how much it helped you in the beginning. Have you been needing it all this time?"

"Not every single time," Alex answered nervously.

"But occasionally, you wish I'd have done it?" Her eyes widened in concern as Alex bowed her head and gave a slight nod a few seconds later. She wrapped her arms around Alex and squeezed her tight. "I love you so much," she whispered soothingly. "I love you so, so much."

Alex sniffled and brought her head back up. "I love you, too." She smiled and shook her head as she stepped out of the bathtub. "I'm sorry. This was supposed to be about you and –"

"And nothing," Olivia interrupted. "If I remember correctly, we got into this bathtub to help you relax and feel better about your cases against Warren and Beth."

"But you were feeling nervous and I wanted to help –"

"You did."

"What? How?"

Olivia sighed. "By showing me how much you love and trust me – by talking to me. You are one hell of an amazing woman, Alex, and to hear you open up to me like you did tonight is incredible. You were hurting tonight and still you made sure I was okay before getting in this tub." They went out into the dining room and began cleaning up their uneaten dinner – neither of them was hungry. Once everything was put away, Olivia walked up behind Alex and wrapped her arms around her waist. "I never would have gotten through this cancer thing without you. You stayed by my side, no matter how hard I pushed you away. Thank you."

Alex smiled as she loosened Olivia's grip just enough so she could turn around and face her. "I wasn't going to give up just because you were being a bitch. I saw the look in your eyes every time we fought. I know you hated doing it. Besides, what kind of a girlfriend would I be if I left you just because things got hard? I seem to remember a time when you were incredibly patient with me, too." She wiped away a tear and played with a piece of Olivia's hair, which was now nearly covering her entire head. "I don't know where I'd be right now if you hadn't come over that night when Jess called you. I had been so horrible to you before then. Nobody would have blamed you if you hadn't come, but you did, and I am so glad about that."

Olivia brushed the hair out of Alex's face and kissed her. "There was never even a moment's hesitation in my decision. "I'm glad I came, too." She sighed and looked into Alex's eyes. "I am so completely and perfectly happy right now."

Alex smiled as she gazed into Olivia's loving eyes. "I am, too, Liv. I am, too."

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"Well, Christopher," Jess whispered as she placed the empty bottle on the changing table beside her. "It's the evening of your third day home. What do you think of this place?"

as if he actually understood and meant to answer her, Christopher giggled and swung his arms in front of himself playfully. He kicked his legs around and giggled again.

Jess smiled and laid him down in his crib. "Now that's what I like to hear." She chuckled as she turned the music on for both Alexa and Christopher, and began to sing to both of them. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take, my sunshine away…" She continued to sing softly until both of her children were asleep. She walked out to the door and turned off the light. "I love you guys," she whispered, looking into the room and watching them carefully. "I'm trying my best to give you everything you need. I'm sorry your dad's not here right now, but hopefully he'll come home soon. I'll have to say a few things to him – things I'm sure I won't let you hear, but I just want him home. You've got one hell of an extended family, by the way," she said, smiling happily. "I think they may just be enough to help me get through this if your father decides not to come home. They're great people." She took one last look at her children and sighed happily. "Sleep well, my babies."

She changed into her pajamas and brushed her teeth. She turned off her bedroom light and climbed into bed. As soon as the covers were pulled up to her chin and her head was resting on her pillow, the doorbell rang. She rolled her eyes and debated whether or not to answer it. Her inner debate was quickly interrupted by a second ring.

"Okay, okay, just a minute!" she yelled, praying the twins stayed asleep. If they both woke up, she would spend the rest of the night trying to get them back to sleep. She wrapped her bathrobe around herself and made her way towards the door. "This had better be really fucking important!" she screamed as she threw the door open. There, standing on the doormat, looking absolutely terrified, was Allen."

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I'm evil, I know…


	42. Reasons Why

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

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Alex climbed into bed and sighed happily as she felt Olivia wrap her arms around her. She felt so relaxed after their bath and intimate conversation. She never thought she would ever be able to explain how she was feeling to Olivia, so she was glad that Olivia had brought up the subject in the first place. She snuggled closer to Olivia and smiled happily. "I love you, Liv."

Olivia grinned and lifted her head so she could look over at Alex's face. "I love you, too, Al." She brushed the hair out of Alex's face and kissed her softly. "I'm proud of you, too, babe."

"For what?"

"Opening up tonight. I know how much you hate talking about things that other people could possibly construe as making you weak. You know I could never, _ever_ see you as weak, right?"

Alex held her breath and nodded slowly. "I just wish I could be normal. I hate that I fight you sometimes when you want to do things with me." She shook her head and bit her lower lip. "I just feel like some days you probably wish you were with someone normal."

"Alexandra Cabot, you stop it right there," Olivia said firmly. She grabbed Alex's shoulder and turned her around so they were facing each other, but Alex refused to look at her. She placed her fingers under Alex's chin and tilted her head up. "I have not once, in the entire time we've been together, ever wished that I was with anybody but you. You are my one and my only, always and forever. I love you, Alex. I love _you_."

Alex desperately wanted to believe the words coming out of Olivia's mouth, but she was having a hard time doing so. "Are you sure I'm not –"

Olivia cupped Alex's face and smiled. "I have never been more sure of anything in my entire life. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever known, and you are by far the strongest, most amazing person I've ever known. You make me want to be a better person. You make my life worth living. You are the reason I'm still alive today, Alex. You have given me –"

"Okay, Liv, stop," Alex said modestly.

"You have given me the courage to talk to you about something that I've been meaning to talk to you about for a while but just haven't had the guts." She nodded and smiled at Alex's confusion. "I found a breast cancer survivors support group a while back and I kind of want to check it out. I just wasn't sure how you'd react to it."

Alex's eyes widened in concern. "Oh, God, Liv! Of course you should go check it out!" She shook her head at Olivia's surprise and feared it was somehow her fault. "Are you nervous because of me? Was it something I did?"

"What? Alex, no –"

"Because May 27 is just over a month away and I know I haven't even mentioned getting married since you got sick," Alex started, panic slowly taking over. "I mean, are you upset because of that? I still want to get married, more than anything else in the world! I just thought maybe you needed a little time or something! We could change the date if you wanted or we could keep it where it is! Are you upset because of this? I'm so sorry I haven't even mentioned getting married. Oh, God, it's my fault isn't it? I should have –"

"Alex, baby, calm down," Olivia said gently. "Breathe, sweetie. It's okay." She gently stroked Alex's arm until she was sure Alex had calmed down. "It's not at all your fault. It's because of my own insecurities about how I look and…well you know how much I hate asking for help."

Alex managed a small chuckle and traced Olivia's cheekbone with her thumb. "I think it'd be a wonderful thing for you. I was, um, I was actually thinking about doing something myself."

"Yeah?" Olivia asked, holding Alex's hand. "What's that?"

Alex took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Therapy."

Olivia nodded understandingly and smiled. "I guess we both need a little outside help, huh?"

"I guess so. Most days I'm okay but…some days, I feel like I can't even make it through the day."

"You've never mentioned that before," Olivia said, her voice full of concern.

Alex shrugged. "I just thought I could deal with it myself. I figured if I tried hard enough, I'd make it through the day. Plus, I really didn't want to worry you. I thought I was strong enough to do this on my own."

"I know that feeling," Olivia admitted softly. Over behind Alex, she could see that the clock two-thirty in the morning, but she didn't care. This was a conversation she never dreamed she would have with Alex, and it was one that she desperately needed. "Sometimes I wake up and cannot believe you still want me. A lot of days, I'm okay…a lot of them I'm not. I think I could use a little help from people who truly understand what I'm going through. I mean, you help me more than you know, but –"

"But sometimes it helps to talk to someone who really understands."

"Yeah."

Alex smiled and leaned her face into Olivia's chest. "I'm proud of you, too."

Olivia smiled and combed her fingers through Alex's hair. "Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"You still want to get married next month?"

Alex sighed. "More than you will ever know…but only if you're ready to do it, too."

"I'm ready."

"Then let's do it."

Olivia grinned eagerly. "We'll start making the phone calls tomorrow."

"I can't wait."

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Jess stood in the doorway, staring at the man in front of her. He looked slightly disheveled, like he hadn't showered in a few days, but other than that, he looked like the same Allen she knew and loved. She didn't know what to do. There he was, standing right in front of her. She could barely breathe. "Allen, what…"

He was as clueless about what to do as she was, and he dared not step into the house without her permission. He looked down to the ground and shuffled his feet. "Jess, I am so, so sorry."

She couldn't breathe. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. He couldn't really be standing on the doorstep, could he? She braced herself, leaning on the doorjam and trying to steady her breathing. "Allen, what are you? Why are you? What the hell are you doing here?" she screamed.

"I'm home," he said softly, not wanting to upset her.

"You're home?" she asked angrily. "You're _home_?"

"Jess, please –"

"No!" she yelled firmly. "You do _not_ get to just walk back in here and expect everything to be just like it was."

"Honey, calm down and –"

"And you _certainly_ don't have the right to tell me to fucking calm down! God, Allen, you walked out on me nearly two fucking months ago and now you just show up and expect everything to go back to the way it was? Well guess what? That's not going to happen. Right now, I'm going to go back to bed. It's the middle of the night and taking care of the twins on my own has made me a little tired and cranky. You can have the couch if you want to, but I'm going to bed. We'll talk in the morning." With that, she turned around and walked upstairs.

He sighed as he watched her walking up the stairs. He knew he should have called her when he was on his way – given her a heads up that he was coming, but he had wimped out. The thought of picking up the phone and calling her had cared him so much that his hands shook too much to even hold the phone. Instead, he had decided to just show up at the house and pray that she let him inside. It was a lot later than he had expected to get home. He'd gotten caught in a large traffic jam on the highway, but he had come over anyway, deciding not to wait until morning. He had to see her as soon as he could, if only just to see her for a second before she slammed the door in his face. Luckily, she hadn't done that. She had let him inside. That had to count for something. He just hoped that he could fix this before it was too late.

She made it to the top of the stairs and had to stop. She rounded the corner so he couldn't see her, and she sat down on the floor. Bringing her knees to her chest, she sobbed uncontrollably. She wanted nothing more than to run down the stairs and throw her arms around him. She had missed him so much while he was gone, and she desperately wanted to show him how much the twins had grown. Still, she knew she couldn't do that. Acting purely on emotions would only damage their already nearly broken marriage. She had to allow herself to calm down and wait until morning to talk to him. That way, at least she would be well rested and recovered from her initial shock. This was not a conversation she was looking forward to having.

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Alex pulled into Casey's driveway and shut off the car. She stared up at the house and gripped the steering wheel as if her life depended on it. She had called Casey yesterday, saying that she was getting closer to finishing the case against Warren and Beth, and that she needed Julia's story sooner rather than later. Twenty minutes after they hung up, Casey called back, saying Julia was ready. Alex was slightly taken aback by the quickness of Casey's call, but Casey assured her that Julia was ready. She took several deep breaths, trying to prepare herself for what was bound to be one of the most difficult talks she'd ever had. She got out of the car slowly, walked up to the door, and rang the bell.

"Hey," Casey said softly, opening the door slowly. Her eyes were red from crying and she was wrapped up in her bathrobe. She shook her head absentmindedly and stepped aside so Alex could come in. "She's um, she's in her room. Thanks for coming over so soon."

Alex walked in and wrapped her arms around the distraught Casey. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Casey said, nodding and wiping away a few tears. "I think so. She um, she told me everything just now. She wanted me to hear it first and…and I don't know. I think I'm okay."

"You sure?"

"Yeah," Casey said, nodding nervously and brushing the nonexistent wrinkles out of her pants. "Go talk to her. She needs to get this out to you as soon as she can. She's ready now and there's no telling how long that readiness is going to last."

Alex took a deep breath, not sure if she wanted to leave Casey like this, but knowing that she needed to get Julia's story as soon as possible. If Julia was ready now, she needed to go talk to her. She placed her hands on Casey's shoulders and looked into her eyes. "I'm going to get these bastards, Case. I'm going to nail Warren and Beth, and then we're all going out for one hell of a big celebration."

Casey forced a small but grateful smile and ushered Alex towards the stairs. "Thank you so much for doing this, Alex. I don't know if either one of us could handle it if someone else was prosecuting."

"I'm glad I'm able to help," Alex said, then turned and walked up the stairs.

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"I wanted to have Lex and Chris stay with Olivia and Alex today," Jess told Allen as he walked out of the bathroom, still towel-drying his hair. "They agreed to watch them for the day so we could have a chance to talk. I decided not to, however, because I knew you'd want to see them."

"You were going to keep them from me?" he asked incredulously.

Jess rolled her eyes in annoyance and sat down in the chair. She wanted to make sure he couldn't sit right next to her. The closest he could get was on the couch, and they were separated by a coffee table. "I wasn't going to keep you from them, Allen. I just wanted to make sure we had the opportunity to talk without being interrupted by one of them crying. Besides, I know I'm going to say a few things that I'd really rather they didn't hear."

Allen hesitantly sat down on the couch and put the towel on the floor. He looked over at his wife and wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around her and make everything okay. He knew, however, that doing so would only make matters worse. Instead, he sat down and looked at her, waiting for her to speak. When she only looked at him with an expression of expectation, he figured he should at least start the conversation. "Jess, I don't even know what to say right now. I am so, so sorry for everything that I did. If there is anything I can do –"

"Why?" she insisted.

"What?"

"Why did you leave me? Why did you blame me? I was already blaming myself enough as it was. I didn't need to hear it from you, too!" The tears were starting to pour out of her eyes now, and she just ignored them. "I already knew it was my fault! I already knew it!"

Allen shook his head and leaned forward, just so he could be a little closer to his wife. "No, Jess," he said firmly, his voice full of concern. "It wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You called the doctors, they told you everything was fine. you didn't do anything wrong, honey. I was the ass. It was me, not you."

Jess was sobbing now, but she needed to get the words out. She needed to have this talk with him. "Then _why_, Allen? Why did you blame me? And why the hell did you say I was right when I told you I'd hurt you?" She was so upset she was shaking. Looking over at him only made her shake more. She wished that he would walk around the coffee table and wrap his arms around her, but at the same time, she prayed that he didn't. She hated that she was so confused, and she hated even more the fact that she was silently praying for him to stay on the couch. "You left me, Allen. You left me and your children. You left us alone. Do you have any idea how difficult that was for me? How hard it was for me to go into Christopher's hospital room and see him like that? How hard it was for me, knowing that I was going to raise these two without you?"

"I can't even imagine what you were feeling," he said softly.

"No, you really can't."

He took a deep breath and folded his hands into his lap. "What can I do?" he asked softly. "What can I do to make this right? I'll do anything, Jess, and I mean _anything_ to fix this."

She shook her head and tried to fight the tears. "I don't know," she admitted. "I missed you, Allen. I missed you more than I thought I could ever miss someone. I thought you were never coming back. I just…I need to know why it happened. I need to know why you did what you did."

Allen nodded and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "It's not a good excuse. No excuse would be good enough for what I did to you, but it's all I've got."

"So let's hear it."

"The day before you told me you fell, I got a call from Cleveland. It was um, it was Christopher's parents…the Christopher I told you about. They had apparently been trying to find me for weeks. He was, um…Christopher had been killed in a car accident and they wanted me to know." He shook his head and wiped away the tears that were falling down his cheeks. "I panicked when you told me you'd fallen. Jess, I know it wasn't your fault. I know you didn't do anything wrong. I just panicked and said the first words that came to my head. I don't know why it was those words. I think it was just because I was so upset over losing the one person who really, truly helped me immediately after I was removed from my parents' home. Then I realized that our little Christopher's odds were so small. Alexa was getting better with each passing day, but Christopher wasn't. I know it sounds silly, but in a way I kind of felt like Alexa was yours and Christopher was mine. I don't mean that in a favoritism way or anything, just how we named them and everything, but still. I…I didn't know what to do after that, so I ran. I was so scared of seeing how hurt you were that I ran. When Casey showed up at my moms' house a month later, I knew I needed to come home. I'm so sorry, Jess. I'm so sorry."

Jess felt like she couldn't breathe. Christopher had been killed in a car accident? She couldn't believe that had happened. She remembered Allen telling her how much Christopher had helped him with everything that had been done to him during his first six years of life. This by no means made everything okay, but now she could kind of begin to see where his words had come from. Very slowly, she stood up, walked around the coffee table, and sat down next to him on the couch. "You didn't tell me Christopher had died," she whispered softly.

He was surprised that she was so quickly willing to walk over and sit with him on the couch. Still, he dared not move a muscle in her direction. The fact that she was even close to him had to be incredibly difficult for her. He didn't want to make it any harder than it already was. "You were still feeling pretty sick from the c-section. I didn't want to add to that."

"So you though that you could deal with his death on your own?"

"I just didn't want to upset you any more than you already were."

She closed her eyes, trying to gain her strength, and placed her hand over his knee. "Allen, I know how much you loved Christopher. I know how much he helped you. I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult that phone call must have been for you." She looked into his eyes, her own eyes full of concern. "Promise me something."

"Anything."

"If something like that ever happens again, tell me. Talk to me about it when it happens so we can prevent another one of these kinds of fights from happening. You shouldn't have had to deal with that on your own."

"It's a promise."

"Allen?"

"Yeah?"

She looked up at him, tears falling down her face. "I don't know how to move past this. I want to just forgive you and move on, but I don't know how. This really, really hurt me. I…I don't know…I don't know how…"

"I don't either," he said softly, trying his best to ease her pain. "I just need you to know that I'm sorry, and that I will do anything you need me to do to make you feel better…and I mean anything."

She took a deep breath and tired to compose herself. "I'm not sure I'm ready to share a bed with you just yet. I, um, the couch folds out to a pretty decent bed. If you need to sleep in our bed some nights –"

"I'll sleep on the floor in the basement if I have to," he said quickly. "You sleep in our bed. There's no reason your sleep should suffer because of me."

"I don't want you to sleep on the basement floor, Allen."

"Then I'll take the couch bed."

She nodded and stood up slowly. She was so completely exhausted that she could barely stand up. Still, there was one more thing she needed to do. "They're both sleeping in the nursery," she told him. "I think you should go see them."

"Really? You're letting me see them this quickly?"

She sighed and nodded her head. "Yeah, I am. They're your children, too, and you need to see how much stronger they've become while you've been away. You can take care of them tonight. I'm shutting my door and I'm not coming out for anything. They'll probably scream their heads off when you're holding them, but that's just because they don't know you. Give them a bottle, sing to them, and get to know them. I'll see you in the morning." With that, she turned and walked up the stairs, leaving a very bewildered Allen behind her.

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This one is a little shorter than my other ones, so I apologize for that. I just wanted to get this updated while I had the chance. I'm crazy busy right now and I have to get to work…after I dig my car out of two feet of ice/snow.

I hate winter.


	43. Can I Call You Mom

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

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Alexa was screaming louder than he had ever heard her scream before. This, of course, wasn't really saying much since he'd only been home for three days, but she was still screaming pretty loudly. He rolled off the mattress he'd put on the floor – where he slept every other night now. He and Jess had agreed to alternate their nights taking care of the twins. The nights when he wasn't taking care of them, he slept downstairs on the couch. Jess had barely said two words to him since he had come home, but he understood. She needed time to process all of this, and he was planning on giving her all the time she needed.

"Your mommy's an amazing woman," Allen said softly as he gently lifted Alexa up out of her crib. After checking to make sure she wasn't screaming because she had a dirty diaper, he sat down on the rocking chair and slowly began rocking back and forth, silently praying that her screams didn't wake Christopher. "She is so strong and so full of love that she actually let me come home. She hasn't really spoken much to me yet, but I can understand why. I just hope I didn't screw up everything by saying those horrible things to her and then walking out. If I were her, I never would haven thought about forgiving me." He wiped away a tear and held his daughter close. "I really, really messed up. Now I'm not one to encourage violence, but I think I really deserve some right now. Your daddy really messed up big time, Lex. I promise that I am not going to leave you ever again. Never, ever again."

Alexa had fallen back asleep while rocking and hearing his voice. It still took her a while to feel comfortable with him – Christopher, too – but they were both quickly growing to trust him again. He hated that his own children barely knew him, but he planned to spend as much time as he possibly could with them to change that. He loved them more than he could ever express in words, and he wanted to make sure they understood that.

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"I really have to tell you about what happened, don't I?" Julia asked as she nervously paced back and forth in the den. Alex had suggested that they talk about this somewhere other than her own bedroom, and the den had seemed like the logical choice. "And I really have to tell everyone in the courtroom, too?"

Alex took a deep breath and nodded solemnly. "Yeah, I'm afraid so. I'll be right there though, and so will Casey and Steve, Olivia, Jess…" Her voice trailed off. She was about to say that Allen would be there, too, but she stopped herself. She wasn't sure if he was ever coming home and she didn't want to make a promise to Julia that she might not b able to keep.

"Would it be okay if Steve stayed outside?" Julia asked hesitantly. "I don't really want him in there when I'm telling everybody what happened."

Alex nodded. "That would be fine."

"Do you think he'll get mad?"

Alex smiled reassuringly and shook her head. "Not at all. He wants to make sure we send Warren and Beth to jail for a very long time. He won't be upset, I promise."

"I'm scared," Julia said weakly, looking at Alex with fear-filled eyes.

"I know you are, but you're also strong. You can do this, Jules. You can take back control of your life and make them pay for what they did to you. _You_ have the power to make them go to jail."

Julia closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. She had already told Casey everything, and it had felt surprisingly good to let everything out. Alex was trustworthy, that much she was sure of, but she was still scared. Closing her eyes and taking one final, deep breath, she decided to just get it all over with. The sooner she told Alex what happened, the sooner Warren and Beth would go to jail.

"Beth told me that Mr. Warren had adopted me and that since he was my father, I had to do everything he said," she said softly, pacing back and forth in front of Alex, who was sitting on the bed, taking notes. "She said good girls always obey their daddies. Every time he told me to do something, I had to say, 'Yes, Mr. Warren,' and do it…even when he told me to take off my clothes and do things with him." She wiped away a tear and quickened her pace. "I tried to fight him, but he was too strong. Then he told me that if I kept fighting him, he'd hurt Grace and Abigail. I stopped and just let him do things to me. That was better than letting him hurt them, but I couldn't even do that. One night I hard Grace crying and I went to her room and saw Mr. Warren hurting her. Abigail was crying on the floor – he'd already hurt her. I was so mad that I grabbed Grace's softball bat and started hitting him. He hit me a few times and started screaming at me. I don't know how we ended up in the hallway, but that was when I hit him so hard that he fell down the stairs. Then I went into the bathroom and swallowed all the aspirin. I'm so ugly, and so evil and so…dirty! I just, I want to die!"

Alex dropped her pad and paper as she watched Julia fall to the floor in sobs. She rushed over and pulled the distraught girl close. It scared her that Julia had said _I'm so ugly_ rather than _I felt so ugly_. It meant that she was still most likely feeling that way. She rocked Julia back and forth and gently stroked her back. "You're not ugly, honey," she said lovingly. "You're not evil, and you're not dirty. You are beautiful and wonderful and –"

"Yeah, easy for you to say!" Julia scoffed as she pulled away from Alex and walked across the room. She crossed her arms and stared out the window, refusing to turn back around and look at Alex.

"What?"

"Oh, come on!" Julia yelled angrily as she turned back around and stared right at Alex. "You're _gorgeous_! You probably had guys following you around all the time, hoping to be able to go out with you! You could easily land a date with anyone you could possibly want. You've got a drop-dead gorgeous girlfriend. You've got it easy. Who in their right mind would ever want me?"

As Julia turned around to look out the window again, Alex did something she never thought she would do. She swallowed nervously, then took a deep breath and lifted her shirt, revealing her scarred stomach. "Julia, turn around," she said softly.

Julia rolled her eyes. "Why?" she started as she turned around, but quickly stopped as soon as she saw the scars on Alex's stomach. Her eyes widened as she very slowly took a few steps in Alex's direction. "Mr. Jennings?" she asked, still not quite sure she could believe what she was seeing.

"Yeah," Alex whispered, pulling her shirt back down and sitting on the bed. She couldn't believe she'd just shown Julia her scars. "I did have guys trying desperately to score a date with me," she said a few moments later. "But I was so scared of how they'd react when they saw me…and I was also scared of what they were going to do to me once we were alone. I retreated into myself and never let anybody in. I didn't date. I didn't have friends. I was completely alone because I was sure that everybody would run screaming as soon as they found out what had happened to me and what I looked like."

"But you have Olivia and she loves you!"

Alex smiled happily and nodded. "Yeah, I do have Olivia. She really had to keep trying to get me though. I was so scared for so long, but I finally opened up and let myself trust her, and my life has gotten so much better since then." She grabbed Julia's hand and squeezed gently. "Don't hold this in like I did. Open up to people and let yourself have relationships. If anybody doesn't like you for this, tell me. I'll tell you that they're not worth your time, and then I'll go kick their ass."

Julia laughed and dried her tears. "Thank you," she said softly. "Thanks for showing me what happened to you. If you can get though it and turn out this amazing, I might just have a chance."

"Well I'd say you've got one hell of a chance. You've got a lot of people who love you very, very much. I just wish I could have stopped him before he ever got the chance to hurt you."

Julia furrowed her eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

Alex closed her eyes and looked down to the floor. "My file was the first one the police ever had. I told them a little about what happened, but not very much. That plus I lied to them and said that I never saw Jennings' face because my parents were really angry with me. They told me I embarrassed the family by letting it happen, so I was afraid to tell the police anything. After I got out of the hospital, I never told anybody about what happened…until Olivia." She wiped away a few tears as she looked up and squeezed Julia's hand. "I guess I just feel pretty bad. If I had said something back then, maybe he never would have had the chance to hurt you."

Julia raised her eyebrows in surprise. She couldn't believe Alex was actually blaming herself for this! "You said your parents were mad at you for it. Who else were you supposed to tell, especially if they never left you alone?"

Alex could tell that Julia was trying to take away her guilt, but it wasn't working. This child had been brutally raped because she had been too damn scared to say anything when it had happened to her. "Your foster parents were in Hawaii, using the money that was supposed to be used to help take care of you, yet you were still brave enough to tell someone. I was just a coward –"

"No you weren't," Julia said quickly, hoping to ease Alex's pain. "My foster parents never blamed me for what happened. Even though they always went on vacations with my money and left me alone for long periods of time, they always made sure to tell me that they loved me and that I could always talk to them about anything. My guess is that your parents didn't do that?"

"True, but –"

"And I'm guessing that, because they blamed you, they probably stayed with you the whole time you were in the hospital so you would only tell the police and doctors what they wanted you to say?"

"Yeah, but –"

"And I'm guessing that, judging by all the scars on your stomach, he hurt you a lot worse than he hurt me. He only raped me once. Then he stabbed me four times, burned me less than half as many times as he burned you, and left. He did a lot more to you, didn't he?"

"He did do more, but Julia, please don't compare what he did to you with what he did to me. It's not the same thing and it's fair to you. You are absolutely justified in how you're feeling and –"

"I know," Julia interrupted. "I'm just trying to get you to understand that I wasn't hurt because of you."

Alex shook her head in protest. "It's not going to –"

"Did you know him?"

"What?"

"Before he attacked you, did you know him? His name, where he lived, that kind of thing?"

"No, but –"

"I did," Julia said quickly. "That was his mistake. He didn't know that I knew who he was when he raped me. We got his mail one time and my mom ran it over to his house. I saw his name on the envelope. He never knew that. I knew him, Alex. That's why he got caught."

"Fine, but what does that have to do with –"

"Even if you had told someone, they wouldn't have found any suspects. They wouldn't have caught him then. All the girls he hurt after you tried to tell what he looked like and everything, but the only reason he was ever caught was because I knew him. I gave the police a name and address." She smiled warmly and allowed a few tears to fall as she leaned against Alex. "It's not your fault that he hurt me. You couldn't have stopped it, even if you had told someone. Don't blame yourself anymore, okay? It's not your fault."

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"You're really good with her, do you know that?" Jess asked, standing in the doorway, watching Allen gently place Alexa into her crib. "It's only been three days and already she's learning to trust you again." She managed a weak smile as she looked over at her sleeping children. "She and Christopher both, actually. I think they missed you while you were gone. I know I did."

Allen closed his eyes and took several deep, slow breaths before turning around to face her. He had no idea that she was standing there. Had she heard everything he'd just said to Alexa? "I just wish they didn't have to get to know me all over again," he said sadly. "I hate that I did this to them…to all of you."

Jess nodded and crossed her arms, taking a deep breath as she did so. "We all wish you hadn't done what you did," she said angrily. She hated that she was still this angry with him. She wished she could just forgive him so they could get on with their lives. She knew that forgiveness would come soon; she just wished it would come quicker sooner rather than later. "I'm going to go make some breakfast. I'll make enough for you, but I'd really like to eat alone this morning. I'll call you when I'm finished and you can come eat."

"Jess, wait," Allen said quickly before she could walk away from him. He waited for her to turn back around before speaking again. "I know you need time and space to deal with all of this," he said quietly. "And I am willing to give you as much as you need and then some. I just…can we at least talk a little? If you're not ready to talk, that's okay. Could you maybe just tell me what I can do to make this easier? I want to make this easier for you and I don't know how."

She bit her lower lip nervously as he spoke to her. As each word came out of his mouth, his voice began to crack a little more, until he was doing all that he could to keep from crying. "I, um…" she started weakly, barely able to breathe. All she could do was offer him a slight nod and turn around. "I guess we can talk."

Relief flooded over him as she said those five words. Five little words. Who knew five little words could carry so much power? "Do you want me to cook breakfast? You can relax out on the couch if you want. Or if you want to cook, that's fine, too. Whatever you want to do, Jess. Just tell me and you can do it."

It brought a smile to her face to hear him fumbling behind her, trying desperately to please her and allow her to have complete control over what was happening. "I think I'd really like it if you cooked me breakfast," she said once she reached the kitchen. "I missed your cooking."

A single tear fell down his cheek as he watched her make her way into the living room and sit down on the couch. "I've missed cooking for you," he told her, eagerly pulling out all the breakfast foods he could find. He wanted to cook her a breakfast that she would always remember.

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"You didn't have to do all that for her," Casey said softly as she and Alex sat down in Casey's living room. "And you certainly didn't have to stay with her until she fell asleep."

Alex shrugged. "She asked me to stay with her. What kind of person would I be if I had refused to do that?" She smiled softly and looked down into her lap. "Besides, if showing her what happened to me helps her in any way, then maybe I can see one good thing that came out of my assault."

Casey smiled warmly and shook her head in disbelief. "I send you in there to get her story and you come out of there having shown her what happened to you so she would know she's not alone." She sighed and met Alex's eyes. "I swear I care about and respect you more and more each day that I know you." She leaned over and wrapped her arms around Alex. She was sure Alex was still feeling pretty emotional after the conversation she'd just had with Julia, and Casey wanted to make sure Alex understood how much that meant to her. "Your friendship means the world to me," she said softly. "I don't want you to ever forget that, okay?"

Alex returned Casey's hug and squeezed her tight. "You're an amazing friend, too, Case," she said warmly. "And you are one hell of an incredible person." She pulled out of the hug and happily squeezed Casey's hands. "You are doing such an incredible job with Julia. She's lucky you and Steve took her in. I know she's an incredible kid, and if people would just allow themselves to get to know her, they'd fall in love with her. I was just having a hard time getting people to look past everything that happened to her."

"I fell in love with her the first day I saw her in that hospital room."

Alex smiled warmly. "I know you did. I remember you always worked ridiculous hours to put my rapist behind bars, but I also saw how much you wanted to do it for Julia, too. I saw how much she meant to you even back then."

Casey sighed and bit her lower lip. "When everything fell apart in that courtroom and Olivia had to carry you out, I hated myself for allowing all of that to happen to you but…deep down, I was relieved that Julia and the other girls weren't going to have to testify. I know that makes me a terrible friend –"

"No it doesn't," Alex said quickly. "I was relieved, too."

"Julia's just…" her voice trailed off as she tried to find the right words to say. "I love her, Alex. I know she's not biologically my daughter, but I love her just the same. I feel like she's my own child. She is so strong and full of life that I can't help but love her to pieces. I see her growing everyday and I just cherish what I have. She brings me so much joy, Alex. I cannot believe that I'm able to share my life with her. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world to have her as my daughter. Everybody's always saying how lucky she is that Steve and I found her and are adopting her, but honestly, I'm the lucky one…" her voice trailed off again as she looked up the steps towards Julia's room. "I'm the lucky one."

All of a sudden, Julia came running down the stairs, tears streaming down her face. She had been sitting on the floor just around the corner at the top of the stairs, and had heard everything that had been said. As she flung herself into Casey's open arms, she cried even harder. She held tight to Casey as the sobs completely took over her body.

"Hey," Casey said softly, gently rubbing Julia's back and hugging her tight. She'd had no idea that Julia was listening to their conversation, and she hoped that the child had taken the words in a positive way. "It's okay, sweetie. It's okay." She held Julia tight and rocked her back and forth, praying that these were happy tears and not tears of pain or anger. "I love you, Jules. I love you so, so much."

"Can I call you mom?" she blurted out suddenly, gripping Casey so tight she thought her arms were going to fall off. "Please? I know I'm not really your daughter, but please can I call you mom? I want to call you mom! Please?"

Casey's eyes widened as Julia asked – begged – that she be allowed to call her mom. She held Julia a little tighter and started crying as she combed her fingers through the girl's hair. "You may absolutely call me mom," she managed to say through her tears. "And you are absolutely, one hundred percent my daughter. I don't care what anybody else says about it. In my heart, you're my daughter. I love you more than I know how to express in words."

Julia clung tight to Casey for the next several minutes. She was terrified of letting go, afraid that by doing so, she would make everything a dream and she'd lose it all. When she had cried all that she could possibly cry, she loosened her grip so she could sit on the couch next to Casey, but her arms were still wrapped around her mother. As she looked over towards Alex, she managed a weak smile when she noticed the tears running down the woman's cheeks. "Maybe when this whole trial is over…not before, because they'll probably use it against us, but when it's over…do you think maybe I could call you Aunt Alex?"

Alex reached over and took the girl's hand. "That would mean a lot to me. I'd love to be your Aunt Alex."

Julia nodded and rested her head against Casey's chest. Never in her life had she ever felt this safe and loved. She didn't care what Casey had said to Alex earlier, she felt like the lucky one to have such a wonderful adoptive family. She felt like the luckiest kid in the world.

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"I didn't really know what to cook you, so I made bacon, sausage, toast, eggs, and bagels," Allen said nervously as he struggled to carry everything out to her. "I saw a bunch of fruit in there, too. I can get you whatever you want. Just let me know."

Jess sighed and rubbed her neck as she tried to keep herself from falling apart. "This is fine, really," she said truthfully. She put the plate on the coffee table, took a bite of scrambled eggs, and smiled slightly. He'd used the secret recipe he always refused to share with her. She'd missed his cooking more than she'd thought. "It's delicious. Sit down, Allen. Let's talk this thing out."

He sat down nervously on the chair on the other side of the coffee table. He wanted to make sure she had as much space as he could give her. She was putting a lot of strength and effort out there – wanting to have to talk so quickly after he got home – and he wanted to make sure he didn't push her or rush her through anything.

"You're allowed to eat, too, you know," she said, watching him watch her. "You spent all this time cooking all this food. You know I'm not going to be able to eat all of it, especially since I'm not pregnant anymore. Eat some, too, Allen."

He hesitantly picked up his fork and took a bite of eggs. They ate in silence for what seemed like an eternity. He hated that they were sitting no more than four feet from each other, yet it felt like they were miles and miles apart. Finally, he couldn't take the silence any longer. He put his fork down and looked up at her. "Jess, I –"

She loudly dropped her fork onto her plate, causing him to stop mid-sentence. It took her a few more seconds before she could look up at him, and when she did, she had to ignore the tears that were running down her cheeks. "You blamed me, Allen," she said, the pain evident in her voice. "You knew that the one thing I was most terrified of was hurting you, and you told that that was exactly what I'd done." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "I called the doctor immediately after I fell. I called her again several hours later. I called her the next day when I saw a little blood. Then I called her a few hours after that. Each and every time we spoke, she asked me if I could feel them kicking, and I could. She asked if I was still bleeding, and I wasn't. She asked what my heart rate was, and it was well within the healthy rate. She told me I was fine and I stupidly believed her. I thought that maybe, just maybe, none of this was my fault. Then you went and blamed me and it was like our entire marriage had just been one big joke to you. I was so absolutely terrified of marrying you because I was sure I'd only end up hurting you, and I loved you too much to let you get yourself involved in someone like me. But you kept pushing and pushing, and finally I gave in. I let myself love you and trust you and believe that you loved me, too. That day I went into labor, I knew it was my fault. The doctors were saying it wasn't, and you were saying it wasn't, but I couldn't really believe that. Finally, after those three days, I started to believe it, but I felt like you deserved to know what happened. The doctors kept telling me that my fall had absolutely nothing to do with going into labor, but I felt you had a right to know. I trusted you, Allen. I trusted you and you let me down. I just…Alex and Liv and Casey and everybody else have been so beyond anything I could ever hope for. They all keep telling me they love me and that it wasn't my fault but…I can't forgive myself. I still feel like I messed up and completely ruined your life just like I always feared I would."

She was so hysterical by now that she could barely breathe. While she was letting everything out, she had started crying a little, but it was only towards the end that she'd been unable to keep the tears at bay, and had finally released the floodgates. Hesitating for only a brief moment, he sat down next to her on the couch and pulled her against him. To his surprise, she didn't pull away from him. Instead, she clung tight to him and sobbed even harder. "It wasn't your fault, Jess," he whispered into her ear. "You did nothing wrong. You didn't cause any of this, and you certainly, by no means, ruined my life. I love you so much, Jess. I'm so sorry for what I did. I was wrong. I'm the one to blame. I'm the one who hurt you. Not the other way around. It wasn't you, honey. It wasn't you."

"But – but – but if I – if I had – had just gone – gone to the hospital w-when I fell, m-maybe they would have – would have seen – seen something was wrong and – and – and they maybe could have s-stopped it. I should have – have gone to the hospital just – just to m-make sure everything was – was okay and –"

"Shhh," he whispered, rocking her back and forth and combing his fingers through her hair. He had to get her to calm down. She was so upset she was starting to hyperventilate, and he was getting worried. "Honey, breathe. Breathe, sweetie. Don't blame yourself, Jess, please. I know I blamed you, and I will live with that for the rest of my life. There was nothing you could have done, sweetie. There was no way you could have stopped this. The doctor told you that you were fine and of course you believed her. Even if I had known what had happened, I wouldn't have told you to go to the hospital after the doctor told you that you were fine." He sighed with relief as she slowly began to relax in his arms. He continued to hold her tight and he kissed the top of her head. "It wasn't your fault, baby. It wasn't your fault."

Several hours later, Jess' emotions finally got the best of her and she fell asleep in his arms. He looked over at the clock in the kitchen and saw that it was two – fifteen in the afternoon. He was surprised that the twins had slept so late, but they'd screamed and cried for most of the night, so it wasn't too surprising. As he looked back down at the woman sleeping in his arms, he sighed. It looked like she was finally ready to start forgiving him. He dared not get too hopeful that things would go back to the way they were before he'd been such an asshole to her, but he did allow a little hope to creep in. Very slowly and very gently, he picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. He placed her on the bed and pulled the covers up to her chin. As much as he wanted to lie down in bed with her and wrap his arms around her, he had to respect her wishes. So far, she hadn't wanted him to share the bed with her, and until she expressed a desire for him to do so, he wasn't going to do it. Instead, he bent over and kissed her forehead. "You're an incredible woman, Jess. You're so much stronger than you ever give yourself credit for. I can't believe you're so willing to talk to me this soon, but I'm forever grateful for it. Get some rest, sweetie. I'll take care of the kids today. You rest." He walked out to the doorway and took one more look at her. "I love you, Jessica. I love you so much."

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Okay, well that was an emotional chapter…


	44. I Want

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

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"I talked to Cragen today," Olivia said excitedly as she stirred the cheese into the macaroni. She smiled and carried the pot out to the table. "I figured it's been nearly two months and I promised everyone I'd be back in two weeks. It's about time I got my ass back in there. I miss it."

Alex grinned and brought the salad out to the table. "Well I'm sure they miss you, too, Liv." She sat down at the table and shook her head at the woman sitting across from her. When Olivia looked down to her plate, however, Alex frowned. She reached over and took Olivia's hand. "You okay?"

Olivia nodded and tried to push her feelings aside. "Yeah, I think so." She forced an eager smile and told Alex about the conversation she'd had with Cragen. "He told me that Elliot got another temp partner after Dani bailed, but that I could have my position back in two weeks."

"Two weeks?" Alex screamed excitedly. "Liv, that's awesome!"

Olivia nodded, but didn't say anything. She was terrified of letting Alex, and everyone else for that matter, find out just how scared she was of going back to work. She was afraid of what everyone would say about her, how they would look at her.

"Olivia, are you okay?"

"I already told you I'm fine."

"You sure?"

"Yeah." She turned back to the food in front of her and sighed. Alex had come home from Casey's looking completely and utterly exhausted, and she wanted to make sure Alex was okay. "How are you holding up? How was it at Casey's?" She gave Alex's hand a gentle squeeze as the woman looked away. "Talk to me, Al. Everything okay?" when Alex didn't respond, Olivia slowly got up and walked around the table so she was standing behind Alex. She gently started massaging Alex's shoulders and kissed the top of her head. "Talk to me, honey."

Alex sighed as she leaned back against the chair. She hated that Olivia was encouraging her to talk when just a few moments ago she had refused to do the same. Still, she needed to get this out. After she talked to Olivia, maybe she could encourage Olivia to talk a little more about why she was so nervous about going back to work. "Julia told me everything. It was hard, but she did it." As she slowly began to relax against the chair, feeling Olivia's hands on her, she closed her eyes and tried to convince herself that she really wasn't responsible for what had happened to Julia.

Olivia could tell that Alex had done more than just listen to Julia's story while she was at Casey's. She had sensed it the second Alex had walked in the door. Something was off, and she was worried. "What else, happened, baby?" she asked gently, encouraging Alex to speak. She knew that Alex needed to talk about what happened. She also knew that Alex wasn't likely to talk about it on her own. "What else happened that made you this tense?"

"Nothing," Alex lied, praying Olivia saw through her and kept pressuring her to talk. She hated that she sometimes needed an extra push before she was ready to talk about something, but she was glad Olivia was always so patient and encouraging. She just wished she could do it on her own. Things would be so much easier if she could just say what was on her mind.

"You're lying," Olivia said, knowing that Alex desperately needed to talk about whatever had happened. "Something else happened and I know you want to talk about it. I can see it in your eyes." She gently squeezed Alex's hands and kissed the back of her head again. "You know I'm safe, Al. Talk to me, honey. What happened?"

Alex swallowed hard and closed her eyes. She was vaguely aware of Olivia pulling her out of her seat and leading her to the couch, but she immediately began to relax once she was wrapped up in Olivia's arms. She rested her head against Olivia's chest and tried to curl into the woman as much as she could. "I showed her my scars," she said softly after several minutes. "I didn't really tell her any details – she didn't need to hear them. I just…she was so upset and saying these awful things about herself, so I wanted to show her that she's not alone."

Olivia closed her eyes and held Alex a little closer. "I love you," she whispered, gently tracing Alex's knuckles. "That was an amazing thing you did for her. I'm sure she was relieved to know she's not alone."

"I just hated her saying so many bad things about herself. She kept saying that nobody would want her and stuff…it really brought back a lot of what I felt when we were first starting out. I just…" her voice trailed off as she silently began to cry.

"You did a brave thing, baby. You did a very brave thing."

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"Are you sure you're okay with me calling you mom?" Julia asked nervously after Alex left. She had stayed on the couch while Casey walked Alex to the door, and she was so emotionally exhausted that she couldn't even get up and walk Alex to the door. She shifted uncomfortably to make more room on the couch for Casey to sit down.

"Of course I'm okay with it," Casey said softly, walking back over towards Julia. "I love you so, so much, and I would love for you to call me mom. You're one heck of an amazing young girl, Jules. I love you very much."

"So you're sure it's okay if I call you mom?"

Casey smiled warmly and sat back down next to Julia on the couch. She took a deep breath and gently squeezed Julia's hand. "I am one hundred percent, without a doubt, sure. I just want to make sure it's okay for you. I know you haven't really been here that long and –"

"And you're the best mom I could ever, ever ask for!" Julia exclaimed. She took several deep breaths and squeezed the tears out of her eyes. "You are so nice and you never, ever get mad at me when I get scared or have nightmares or anything. You keep saying that in your heart, I'm your daughter. Well, in my heart, you're my mom."

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The first thing she was aware of when she opened her eyes was that she was in her bed. How the hell had she ended up here? She rubbed her eyes and tried to remember what had happened the night before. Then she realized it was only six in the evening. She hadn't been sleeping all night – she'd been sleeping all day. Then she remembered everything. She'd completely fallen apart while talking to Allen and had collapsed into his arms. She figured she had fallen asleep and he had brought her up here and put her in the bed. He'd carried her upstairs and tucked her into bed. She nearly started crying as she willed herself out of the bed and downstairs.

He was cooking dinner in the kitchen while the twins were lying in their playpen in the living room. She could smell the chicken even from the bedroom, and she smiled when she realized she wasn't going to have to cook for herself. As she neared the bottom of the stairs, she could hear the twins laughing happily. The doctors had told her that smiling and laughing wouldn't really start coming out until at least the three-month mark, but at two and a half months, they were already starting. It did her heart good to hear them laughing together.

"I know it's been a good long while since I've cooked you chicken cordon bleu, so I figured now was as good a time as any. Did you sleep okay? The twins have been fed and their diapers changed. I wanted to be able to have a nice dinner with you…if you want. I mean, if you need some time, I can –"

"I want," she said weakly. She walked out into the kitchen and stood behind him, wrapped her arms around him, and tried not to cry. "It smells delicious and I want to sit down and eat it with you." She leaned her head into his chest when he turned around, and clung tight to him. His shirt smelled so much like him, and it was then that she realized just how much she'd missed his scent. "You're not going to leave me again, are you?" she asked after clinging to him for several minutes.

Her words cut into him like a knife, and he hated that he was the reason she was such a mess right now. He took a deep, shaky breath and held her tight. "No," he said firmly, his voice cracking as he started rocking her back and forth. "I will never, ever leave you again. I'm so sorry, Jess. I'm so, so sorry. I wish I could take back what I did. I wish I could just snap my fingers and take away all the pain I caused you and make things the way they used to be. I wish –"

"Stop," she begged, clinging to him even tighter.

"Stop?"

She pulled away from him and wiped away her tears. "Stop apologizing. You've been doing it nonstop for almost a week. I know you're sorry. I know you feel bad. I know you'd take it all back if you could, but you can't. You can never take those words back, Allen. You can never erase the pain they caused."

"Jess, please –"

"But you can move on, and so can I."

He wasn't sure he'd heard her correctly. He very slowly tilted his head and tried to meet her eyes. "What?"

"I forgive you. I think I'm ready to move on." She took a deep breath and managed a small but grateful and loving smile. "I think I'm ready to go back to being us again…just, don't push me to do anything just yet. I don't know how much us I can take this quickly."

"You've got all the time in the world, hon. I'm not going to push for anything."

"I know," she said softly. "I think I just needed to hear you say that one more time."

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Steve gently massaged Casey's shoulders as she sat down with him on the couch. As she leaned into his embrace, he stroked her arms. "Everything go okay today? I know you spent a little extra time upstairs with Julia before she went to sleep."

Casey nodded and smiled weakly. "She told me a lot before Alex even came over. She, um…that was kind of rough, but I'm glad she did it. I'm glad she felt safe coming to me like that."

"Of course she felt safe," he said softly, pulling her closer and wrapping his arms around her. "You're the reason she feels that way, Case. I'm proud of you, hun. You're an amazing woman."

"She asked if she could call me mom," she said suddenly. "She was listening to me and Alex talking and she heard me telling Alex how lucky I was that she's my daughter. She ran down the stairs crying and asked if she could call me mom."

Steve smiled proudly and tilted her head up so their eyes met. "You make a great mom," he told her. "You're doing a fantastic job with her, and she just proved that today." He kissed her softly and rested his forehead against hers. "I love you, Casey."

"I love you, too, Steve," she said softly, pulling him into her arms and returning his kiss. "She'll call you dad someday, too. I think that one is just going to take a little more time for her. You've seen her though. She's warmed up to you amazingly quickly considering her circumstances."

"I know," he whispered, pulling her off the couch with him and leading her upstairs to their bedroom. He peeked quickly into Julia's room and smiled when he saw her sleeping peacefully. "I cannot wait until she calls me dad, but I'm not going to push anything." He climbed into bed and wrapped his arms around Casey. "Right now, I'm just going to let things continue like they've been going."

She smiled and snuggled against him. "You're a good man, Steve. Not many men in this world would just go out on a limb and adopt a kid just because their wife wanted to…especially a kid like Julia. But you did. You adopted her with me."

He shrugged modestly and smiled. "Of course I adopted her. I fell in love with her the second I met her. After I saw the connection the two of you had while you were bowling, I knew you were right. We had to adopt her. She just…she fits with us."

"Yeah, she really does."

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Alex looked up from her paperwork, startled when Jess suddenly walked into her office unannounced. Casey had left to get a warrant for a case, and Alex had stayed behind to work on the trial against Warren and Beth. "Hey, Jess," she said, smiling and setting her pen down. She hadn't seen Jess since the girl had moved back home more than one week earlier, and she was a little worried that Jess had just shown up like this. It wasn't like her not to call first. "Everything okay?"

Jess hesitated momentarily, nervously stepping into the office and taking a seat across from Alex's desk. She finally managed to smile and nodded her head. "Yeah, everything's good. Allen…um, Allen came home a few days ago and…"

Alex's eyes widened as she watched the girl sitting in front of her. She looked so timid and unsure of herself. "Are you okay?" she asked hesitantly, not sure of how to respond to the news she had just been told.

"I think so," Jess answered honestly. She shook her head and tried to fight the tears she knew she couldn't fight. A few stray ones slid down her cheeks, but she didn't bother to wipe them away. "He just kind of showed up in the middle of the night about a week ago. I, um, I said a few nasty things to him over the next few days." She laughed and shook her head. "He kept struggling so hard to try not to say the wrong things, and he was practically waiting on me hand and foot."

Alex smiled and bit her lower lip. "I can't believe he came home – I mean, I can believe it, I just…wow." She shook her head and took a deep breath. "Do you need any of us to come over and beat the shit out of him to make sure this doesn't happen again?"

Jess laughed and shook her head. "No, I don't think so. He seems really sorry for what he did."

"Good."

"Agreed."

They sat there for several seconds, trying to absorb and understand everything that had happened. After awhile, Alex spoke. "How are you holding up? I know I already asked you, but really, how are you holding up?"

Jess sighed. "Honestly Alex, I've felt better. When I opened that door and saw him standing there, I didn't know what to do. The entire time he was gone, all I wanted was for him to come back. When he finally did that, it felt like everything I know and loved was riding on my initial reaction to him and I completely froze. He had to speak first, which was probably for the best anyway because he started off apologizing and begging me to tell him how he could fix the mess he'd made."

"What happened after he started apologizing?" Alex asked, encouraging Jess to keep talking. She was eager to know what happened, partly because she was curious, but mostly because she was concerned and wanted to see if she could do anything to help ease the situation.

"I let him come in and sleep on the couch. It was too late to even think about talking then, so I just went to bed. I cried myself to sleep, too, because I didn't have a clue what the hell I was going to do when morning came."

Alex stood up from behind her desk and sat down next to Jess. Taking Jess' hand in her own, she frowned slightly. "Please tell me he was cooking and cleaning and doing everything in his power to make sure you didn't have to worry about anything in the morning."

Jess smiled and sniffled at the same time. "Yeah, he was. The twins were bathed and fed, the living room was spotless, breakfast was made. It took a few more days, but we finally had a decent, heart to heart talk."

"And?"

"And I told him I was ready to forgive him and move on?"

Alex was slightly taken aback by Jess' words. "Seriously? Just like that?"

"Pretty much."

"Wow."

Jess leaned into Alex's open arms and sighed. "He just, he looked so miserable and sorry for everything."

"Jess, honey, that's a good thing."

"I know, I just, I didn't have it in me to stay mad at him any longer. I told him just how much what he did hurt me and how much it hurt the twins. I cried, Alex. I really, really cried. I don't think I've ever cried like I did that night. And do you know what he did?"

"What?" she asked gently.

"He held me. He held me and he listened to me and he didn't once interrupt me, no matter how nasty I was to him. I fell asleep in his arms and he carried me upstairs and tucked me into bed so gently that I didn't even wake up. Then he went back downstairs and slept on the couch. He could so easily have slept in our bed and I never would have known, but he didn't, because he knew I wasn't ready for that yet. I woke up a few hours later and he was cooking dinner and the twins were happy and I just…I couldn't stay mad at him anymore."

Alex wrapped her arms around Jess and gently rocked her back and forth. "You have one hell of a big heart, Jess. I don't know if I would have been able to do the same thing if I was in your position."

Jess looked up and smiled. "Olivia was pretty nasty to you not too long ago, and look where you two are now. You forgave her pretty quickly." She sat up and gave Alex's hand a quick, gentle squeeze. "You've got a big heart, too."

Alex smiled warmly and looked over at her desk. "Jess, I've been meaning to ask you this for awhile, but with everything that's been happening these last few weeks, I never really got around to it."

Jess furrowed her eyebrows. "What is it?"

"Well, remember how Olivia and I planned our ceremony for May 27?"

"Yeah. You two hadn't really done much planning though because she got sick and everything. Did you pick another date or something?"

"Nope."

"So you're getting married in a month?"

"Yep."

Jess squealed excitedly. "Have you bought your dress yet? You _have_ to buy the one you tried on while were shopping for my dress. You looked so beautiful in it. Olivia won't know what hit her when she sees you wearing that thing."

Alex smiled at Jess' enthusiasm and nodded. "Yeah, I'm going to get that one."

"Oh, yay! I'm so excited! You two are getting…kinda sorta married!"

"It's not going to be a real wedding ceremony, but Liv and I do both need a maid of honor. She's going to ask Casey today while they're working on Casey's case…damn, try saying that three times fast."

Jess laughed. "Oh, Alex, this is so exciting! I feel like I've missed so much since I moved back home. I know I've been really depressed and distant. I'm sorry about that. I promise that from now on, I'm going to be the Jessica Matthews you all know and love."

Alex smiled proudly. "Good, because that's the Jessica Matthews I want as my maid of honor."

"Really?"

"Absolutely."

"I get to be your maid of honor?"

Alex laughed. "There's nobody else in this world I want more as my maid of honor than you."

Jess nodded excitedly. "I can't wait! You two are so damn perfect for each other!"

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"I have my first therapy session tomorrow," Alex said as she and Olivia pulled the covers over themselves and held each other close. She was shaking slightly, but managed to stop when she felt Olivia's arm gently wrap around her. "Are you sure you're okay with me doing this? I mean, I figure I don't have to if you don't want me to. I just –"

"Stop," Olivia said firmly. She pulled Alex closer and gently combed her fingers through her hair, which was now just past her ears. She still couldn't believe Alex had shaved off her hair just to prove her love. It had given her so much strength to see that. "I'm proud of you for wanting to do this."

"You are?"

"Absolutely. It takes a very strong person to talk about their problems. It's so much easier to just push them aside and pretend like they don't exist. It takes strength to open up and try to work on them." She tugged on Alex's shoulder and waited until Alex had turned around so they were facing each other. When Alex refused to make eye contact with her, Olivia gently placed her fingers under Alex's chin and tilted her head up. "I'm proud of you," she said, keeping contact with Alex's fear-filled eyes. "I'm glad that you want to get this help, honey. You said you were glad I'd found the breast cancer survivors support group because you knew they could help me in ways that nobody else could. It's the same with you, baby. I will love you and hold you and support you with all my heart, but sometimes you need a neutral third party who has experience and ideas to help you even more."

Alex sniffled and rested her forehead against Olivia's. "You always know just what to say to make me feel better. How do you do that all the time?"

"I don't know. I just know that I love you more than anything and I say whatever comes to mind. Usually I'm terrified that nothing I say makes sense, but I just say it anyway…hope that it works a little and that I can at least show you how much I love you."

"You make sense, don't worry."

"Good."

Alex sighed and began to relax. She was still nervous about starting therapy, but she knew it was the only way she was truly going to make it through life. She just hoped that Olivia would stay by her side, no matter how messy things got. She knew there were things that would come up in her therapy sessions that she hadn't discussed with Olivia, and she silently prayed that they didn't ruin their relationship. "I love you, Olivia. I love you so much."

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She was lying in bed when he very hesitantly pushed the door open and stuck his head inside. He stood there for several seconds, before taking a deep breath and offering a small smile. "I just wanted to make sure you got to bed okay. Good night, honey."

Jess swallowed and inhaled sharply, causing him to stop dead in his tracks and turn around. "Sleep in the bed with me tonight," she whispered. When he didn't immediately respond, she smiled warmly and sat up. "You've been sleeping downstairs on the couch for more than a week, Allen. Sleep in your bed with me tonight."

Very slowly, and with great hesitation, he made his way over to the bed and climbed into it on his side. He dared not move a muscle in her direction as he pulled the covers up to his shoulders. "Are you sure?"

She took his hand and smiled. "I'm sure," she said honestly. She looked into his eyes and squeezed his hand gently. "I'm not ready to do anything yet. I'm definitely not ready to have sex with you yet, but yes, I'm sure. You deserve to sleep in this bed with me. You've suffered long enough."

He shook his head adamantly. "No amount of suffering will ever make up –"

"Stop," she interrupted quickly. "We're good now, Allen. I just need a little more time to get used to you sleeping next to me, but I'll get there. I'll get there soon, I promise."

"Don't push yourself."

"I won't. I feel a little bad that I keep pushing you away and making you wait, but you need to understand that I am still feeling a lot of the pain and guilt I felt that day you walked out on us."

He squeezed her hand, wanting to pull her close and hold her, but knowing that she needed him to keep his distance. "Is there anything I can do to make those feelings go away? Can I do something to make you feel better?"

"Yeah," she said weakly, waiting nearly one full minute before answering him.

"What is it? What can I do? Tell me and I'll do it, Jess. I'll do it in a heartbeat."

She swallowed and looked up at him, her eyes pleading for love, acceptance, and most of all, forgiveness. "Hold me?" she asked nervously, praying he didn't walk away again. She hated that she was so scared of that, and knew that he wasn't walking away again, but she still couldn't shake that feeling. She wasn't sure how long it would be before she could shake that feeling.

He wrapped his arms around her and held her close. His hold was firm, yet gentle at the same time. "I will hold you forever," he said softly. "I'll never let you go again. I'm here now, baby. I'm here to stay."

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	45. I Like it When You Smile

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

I'm on spring break right now. That's why you're getting another update so quickly. This probably won't happen again for quite a bit of time, but I'll do my best. Try to enjoy it while it lasts.

To everyone who continues to review despite my lack of updating lately: thank you!!! Y'all are keeping me going :)

To PaceyW'sgirl: I'm not sure what I'm going to do with the wedding just yet, but the sunset is a good idea. I'll definitely keep that in mind. Thanks!

To blueberies: Thanks for the idea of sending them to Massachusetts. I was thinking about that, too, and going over it and over it in my head and finally decided to just go ahead and do it :)

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_Maybe this wasn't such a good idea,_ Alex thought to herself as she walked into the doors of her new therapist's office. She nervously sat down on the couch and waited to be called into the room. Ten minutes passed, and she couldn't stop shaking. She kept moving her hand in her lap, clenching and unclenching them, and rubbing them together. Her nerves almost got the best of her and she was about to stand up and walk out of the office when the door opened.

"Alexandra?"

She looked up and smiled weakly at the middle-aged woman standing in the doorway. She had done a lot of research before picking this therapist, and had finally decided on her because of both her credentials and her gay-friendly attitude. She took a deep breath and stood slowly. "Yeah."

"Good. I'm Elizabeth," she said, extending hand and shaking Alex's. "Why don't we go have a seat in the room and see if we can't get to know each other a little better, huh? What do you say?"

Alex nodded and swallowed hard. "Sounds good."

Elizabeth led Alex into the room and softly closed the door. "Go ahead and sit on the couch. It's a lot more comfortable than this old wooden chair I've got," she smiled warmly as she sat down on the chair a few feet away from the couch.

Alex was relieved that Elizabeth was being warm and friendly with her. She'd been terrified that, despite Elizabeth's excellent reputation, the woman would be a cold-hearted psychiatrist who was only out to get her money. In fact, she seemed genuinely concerned about Alex's well-being and wanted to make sure she was comfortable before talking about anything heavy. Alex felt a little more at ease as she took a seat on the couch. She even managed a small smile as she looked up at Elizabeth. "I bet this couch is a lot more comfortable than that chair."

"Well, I like my guests to be comfortable," Elizabeth answered, smiling warmly. She wanted to see if Alex would start a conversation going. They definitely weren't going to get into anything heavy during their first few visits, unless Alex introduced something into the conversation. She knew a little about Alex's story, but only the very bare bones. It would be a while before Alex told her anything else.

"I'm comfortable," Alex said hesitantly. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to be doing right now. _Aren't the therapists supposed to start asking questions and stuff right about now?_ She looked around the room, smiling a small rainbow flag sitting in a pencil holder on Elizabeth's desk.

Elizabeth followed Alex's gaze to the desk behind her and nodded. "My girlfriend and I have been together for twenty-six years," she said happily as she turned back around and smiled at Alex.

"Wow," Alex said in amazement. "Congratulations."

"Thank you," she said warmly. She waited several seconds for Alex to say something, but when it became obvious that the woman was waiting to be spoken to, she decided to start talking. "So, Alexandra, do you have any questions for me or anything?"

"What?" Alex asked, confused by how the conversation had started.

Elizabeth chuckled lightly. "Is there anything you'd like to know about me?" After a moment, she smiled and leaned forward so her elbows were resting on her knees. "It won't do much good for us to jump right into the heavy stuff right away, especially if you don't even know who I am. So," she said, smiling and leaning back in her chair. "What would you like to know?"

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"So you're up for being my maid of honor?" Olivia asked Casey during their lunch break. They were waiting to get a warrant signed, but the judge was going to be out of the office for the next few hours, so they decided to grab a bite to eat.

Casey smiled and dug into her spaghetti. "Are you kidding? Liv, I'd be honored." She laughed and shook her head. "The two of you…there are no words for it. You're perfect for each other. I would absolutely love to be a part of your wedding."

Olivia nodded hesitantly. "We're still on for May 27," she said quietly. She smiled mischievously and looked up at Casey. "Since New York _sucks_, we can't get married here, but we _can_ get married in Massachusetts."

"I hate New York."

"No you don't," Olivia said firmly. "You love it here and you know it."

Casey sighed. "I do love it here," she admitted.

"Told ya," Olivia said, laughing lightly. "Anyway, I was thinking that maybe we could have the wedding in Massachusetts. New York recognizes domestic partnerships that are formalized in other jurisdictions, so…yeah. That's my plan."

Casey's eyes widened and her grin grew larger. "You never cease to amaze me, Olivia. Have you talked to Alex about it yet?"

"I'm planning on taking her out to dinner tonight and doing it then."

"Sounds like a plan."

Olivia blushed and grinned excitedly as she finished her salad. "I can't even describe how excited I am, Case. I just, she is so incredible. She…I wake up in the morning and she's lying there next to me and, I don't know…everything is just perfect. I don't know how else to describe it. To know everything she's been through and then see where she is today is beyond amazing. She does so much and she proves every single day how much she loves me. I want to do everything I can to prove to her how much I love her."

Casey smiled and laughed happily as Olivia tried to find the right words to describe her love for Alex. "I remember when I first met you, Liv, and when you first came out to me. I was so happy you felt comfortable coming to me and telling me, and I was ready to go out and find you the absolute perfect woman." She smiled as Olivia blushed and looked away. "Then I saw a picture of you and Alex on your desk." She held up her hands before Olivia could say anything. "I know that picture was taken long before Alex came out and you two tried dating, but I think that was when I realized that you two were going to end up together. You two just looked so perfectly happy in that picture."

Olivia raised her eyebrows in slight surprise. "I didn't think anybody knew Alex was going to come out later. I don't think I even knew it until we were driving home from her release from Witness Protection. We flirted a little, but it was still several months after that before we really started talking about the dating thing."

Casey shrugged and pulled out her wallet. "There was just a spark I saw in your eyes. I saw it every time someone mentioned her name. I saw it every time you spoke about her." She nodded and placed her money on the table. "You two were destined to spend forever together."

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She pulled into the parking lot and turned off her car, but she didn't immediately get out. _Why do they always hold these stupid things in a church?_ She rolled her eyes and got out of her car. _It's not like we're holding a _Breast Cancer Survivors Support Group for Jesus Lovers_ or anything._ She took a deep breath and tried to push away her nervousness. This was going to help her and she knew it. Taking another deep breath, she pushed aside her hesitation and walked in the front door.

A sign at the entrance told her that the meeting was down the hallway on the right, in the first room on her left. She looked down the hallway and saw the door was slightly ajar. "Okay," she whispered, wiping her hands on her pants as she took a step towards the room. "You can do this, Olivia. You can do this."

Very slowly, she made her way down the hall and stepped just into the room. She looked around and saw about a dozen women in the room, chatting with one another and seeming to know each other already. That was what she had been afraid of – that she was just going to walk into a group of women who had already formed connections; that she would be the odd one out. Some of them were obviously still going through chemo treatments, while others looked like they'd been finished for years. A few of them had either had a single or double mastectomy. Some still had their breasts – or they had gotten a reconstruction and it just wasn't obvious. She was about to turn and leave when she heard a woman behind her clear her throat softly.

"I'm Sarah," the woman said gently when Olivia hesitantly turned around. She smiled warmly as she met Olivia's eyes. "The first meeting's always the hardest, but I promise it gets easier. Stick around for at least a few of them, please?"

Olivia tried desperately to think of an excuse to bolt out of the room, but nothing came to mind; she was sinking fast. She was stuck and she knew it. There was no getting out of it now. "Yeah," she said, slowly letting out a defeated breath and following Sarah further into the room. "I'll stay."

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She had gone to the store to pick up another flash drive to save all of her work on, and when she came home, she found the twins asleep in their playpen in the living room. A strong smell of something burning was coming from the kitchen. She set her bags down and walked around the corner to find Allen sitting on the floor, his head resting on his knees and his shoulders shaking with his silent cries.

"I wanted to cook you a nice dinner," he said, trying to fight the tears as she sat down next to him. "I just wanted you to be able to come home and find the house clean and the twins taken care of and dinner cooked." He looked up and met her eyes, ignoring the tears falling from his own. "The house is pretty clean and the twins have been fed. I just…Christopher woke up and I had to feed him and I forgot about the casserole in the oven until I could smell that it was burnt." He looked down into his lap again and shook his head. "I'm sorry, Jess. I wanted you to come home –"

She placed her hand on his back and smiled warmly. "The house looks great," she said softly. In a way, it kind of made her feel better to see him this upset over a burnt dinner. It proved how hard he was trying to make her happy again. While it was slightly unnerving to know that she was getting pleasure from his suffering, when she thought about it, she could understand why she was feeling that way. "Why don't we just order out today?" she asked softly after a few minutes. "I was craving Chinese this evening anyway."

He looked up and nodded weakly, wiping the tears from his cheeks. "You're okay with Chinese?"

"Absolutely."

He nodded and stood up slowly, allowing her to help him to his feet. He smiled weakly as she handed him the phone. "I'm sorry, Jess. I'm trying so hard to make it up to you and make things work and I'm failing miserably. Maybe I should just –"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence, Allen," she said, her teeth clenched together as she looked him in the eyes. "I know I haven't exactly been around much. I'm still trying to get used to the fact that you're back home. I don't want you to feel like you have to keep going way out of your way like this to make sure everything is perfect for me. I just…I want you, Allen. I want you the way you were before you flipped out in the hospital. I don't need this new, trying to do ten million things at once guy. I need my husband back."

He shook his head adamantly. "Jess, I have to make it up to you. There's no way I can live with myself if I don't do this kind of stuff. I have to prove to you how much I love you."

"And that's exactly what you're doing," she said, turning to the page in the phone book and pointing to the number. "You're still here. You're lying next to me every morning I wake up. You're home with me during the day. You're helping me take care of the twins. The fact that you're here crying because you burnt dinner only proves it more."

"I just don't want to lose you again."

She wiped away one of her own tears and smiled. "You won't. You're home now."

"And I'm not going anywhere."

"I know."

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"How was your day?" Olivia asked as Alex sat down next to her on the couch. She wrapped her arms around Alex and pulled her close. Alex was exhausted, and she could feel it just holding her. "Did therapy go okay?"

Alex nodded weakly. "Yeah," she said softly. "Her name's Elizabeth. She has a Master's degree from Harvard and a Sociology degree from Yale." She laughed lightly and rested her head on Olivia's shoulder. "That was pretty intimidating."

"You've got yourself a Masters in Law from NYU. That's pretty impressive, too."

Alex shrugged. "I got over the intimidation pretty quickly. She's actually really nice and surprisingly good at making me feel comfortable, which isn't something many people can do."

"Well I'm glad you felt comfortable there."

"She has a girlfriend, too."

"Really?"

"Yeah. They've been together for twenty-six years. She told me about her when I noticed the small rainbow flag she has sitting in her pencil holder on her desk." She sighed and began to relax even more against Olivia. "She said she never mentions the flag unless somebody asks about it. She doesn't ever lie, but she wants people to feel comfortable at the same time, so if they don't ask, she doesn't tell."

Olivia nodded understandingly. "That makes sense."

"I can't believe they've been together twenty-six years."

Olivia smiled and kissed the back of Alex's head. "I'm looking forward to spending twenty-six years with you."

"Only twenty-six?"

"A million twenty-sixes."

Alex laughed. "I like the sound of that."

"Yeah?"

"More than you know."

"Well I'm glad to hear it." She paused for a few minutes, allowing Alex to rest against her. "You think she's going to help? Going to see her once a week…do you think it'll help?"

Alex hesitated briefly before answering. "I hope so," she finally admitted. "I know it's what I need, and that she's very good at what she does. I think I'm just scared that I'm too…I don't know, too far gone for help."

"Don't say that," Olivia said softly. "Believe that this can help you, baby. Know that I'll be right here, by your side, always. You're not 'too far gone,' Alex. You're so strong, and so brave. You're going to make it, I know it."

"I'm just scared I'll disappoint you."

Olivia's eyes widened in horror. "What?"

Alex looked away, bowing her head in shame. "If it doesn't help…if I don't get better I mean. If I keep having nightmares every week, and panic attacks several times a month, and flashbacks about as often, and –"

"Stop," Olivia said, nearly begging. "Alex, I love you. You could never, ever disappoint me. You are perfect just the way you are and I will love you no matter how this therapy works out."

"I just…you keep telling me I'm strong and brave and everything. If I can't make this therapy work and I just keep going like I'm going, I'm only going to prove you wrong and I don't want to do that!"

"That's not true," Olivia said, her voice firm and loving. "You are strong and brave and everything I could ever wish for in a girlfriend, and you could never prove me wrong. Your panic attacks and flashbacks and nightmares don't make you weak, baby. They don't. You're human, Alex, and you've been through hell. The fact that you're still able to get out of bed and face the day is proof of your strength. I am so, so proud of you, and nothing is ever going to change that." She squeezed Alex's hands gently and kissed the top of her head.

Alex sighed and tilted her head up so she could look at Olivia. She was glad Olivia was so loving. "You always manage to make me feel better," she said, managing a small smile as she did so. She sniffled and met Olivia's eyes. "How did your group meeting go?"

"It was…" her voice trailed off as she stared off into the distance. She felt Alex squeeze her hands gently and smiled. "It was terrifying at first. I walked into the room and everybody seemed to know everybody already. I was about to leave when a woman cleared her throat behind me and convinced me to stay."

"Good for her," Alex said firmly, hoping to get it across to Olivia that this group was important for her.

Olivia nodded and managed a weak smile. "I'm glad I stayed. I didn't say anything – just listened to what everybody else had to say. A lot of them have been through so much. One of them lost her husband after she lost her breasts. Another one said her husband's going to leave as soon as they get the finances straight." She sighed and looked down at Alex. "It was hard hearing all of that. It was hard hearing that their husbands left them just because they lost their breasts."

Alex gently squeezed Olivia's hands again and sat up so she could look her in the eyes. "I bet that was hard," she said softly. "But you know that I'm not ever, _ever_ leaving you, right?"

"I believe it a little more every time you say that."

"Then I'll say it a million times over. I love you, Olivia Benson. You are the most amazing, wonderful, _beautiful_ woman in the world, and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with you." She smiled and leaned her forehead against Olivia's. "I love you," she whispered. "I love you, I love you, I love you."

Olivia smiled as she traced her finger along Alex's knuckles. Their relationship was growing stronger every single day. They were able to talk about more intimate things that even a few months ago they'd never even been able to mention. "So I was thinking maybe we should go out to dinner tonight," she said softly.

"Out to dinner, huh?"

"Yeah. I want to treat you to some fettuccini alfredo from the Olive Garden."

"You know that's my weakness."

"I know. That's why I want to take you there."

Alex smiled playfully as she pulled Olivia off the couch. "On one condition."

"What's that?"

"You let me take you out for Indian food next time we go out."

"Ah, my weakness."

"Exactly."

Olivia smiled. "Deal."

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"I'm thinking we should have a 'Welcome to Summer Barbeque,'" Jess said as she and Allen made their way downstairs to start cooking breakfast. She pulled the eggs out of the refrigerator and started cooking them. "It could be a celebration of sorts. Your coming home, Julia's moving in with Casey and Steve, and Olivia and Alex's getting married. What do you say?"

Allen smiled as he started grating the cheddar cheese. Jess really seemed eager to move on with their lives, and she was making sure she kept him included in everything. M_aybe she really does want me around forever,_ he thought to himself. "I think that sounds like a wonderful idea."

"Yay!" she squealed excitedly. "I think we should have it this weekend. I know it's kind of short notice, but Alex and Liv are getting married in three weeks and I definitely want everybody to get together before then."

He swallowed and looked nervously over at her. "You think everyone'll want to see me this soon? I mean, if you think we should wait and at least tell everyone that I'm home first, I'd understand."

She shook her head adamantly. "Alex already knows," she said quickly. "I told her when we had lunch the other day. I don't think she's told Olivia but Allen, I promise our friends are going to be happy you're home. Will they have a few choice words for you? Probably."

"Gee, thanks."

"But they're still going to love you. Don't worry."

"I hope you're right."

"I am right," she said, grinning as she turned the oven off and dished out the scrambled eggs.

"And cocky, too."

"Blame Alex. I get it from her."

He smiled as he sat down with her at the table. They ate in silence for several minutes before he spoke. "Thank you," he whispered, too scared to look her directly in the eyes.

"For what?"

"Making me feel like I belong here again."

She smiled warmly and looked him in the eyes. "You've always belonged here, Allen. You just messed up big time and now it's going to take a little while before things can go back to the way they were. Our friends aren't going to just forget the guy they knew before this happened. Let's have that barbeque, huh?"

"Yeah," he said, breathing a sigh of relief. "Let's do it."

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Allen was busy flipping burgers when everyone began arriving. Casey, Steve, and Julia were the first to arrive. Jess very quickly ushered them into the backyard, which was decorated with streamers, tiki lights, and several piñatas. Casey put her plate of macaroni and cheese on the food table while Julia put a batch of cookies onto the desert table.

"You didn't tell me Allen was back," Casey said in a hushed whisper. Julia and Steve stood between Jess and Allen, not really knowing where to go. "When did he come home?"

"A little over a week ago," Jess admitted softly as Julia and Steve began walking closer to her. She smiled weakly as they all glared at her. She knew they weren't really angry; they were just surprised that she hadn't told them. "We've been spending a lot of time working things out. That plus I wasn't really sure how to tell you so I just figured I'd invite all of you over for a barbeque and let you find out for yourselves."

Casey shook her head and rolled her eyes as she gently hugged Jess. "Are you holding up okay?" she whispered.

"Yeah," Jess answered honestly. "It's been a little difficult, but I think we're going to be okay."

"Good."

Jess smiled warmly at them and cocked her head in Allen's direction. "You guys should go over there and place your orders. We've got regular burgers and hotdogs, and then the fat-free ones because Alex has decided for some bizarre reason that she needs to watch her weight."

They all looked at her hesitantly, but followed her orders and walked towards Allen when she fluttered her hands in his direction. "Go!" she yelled. "Or he's not going to know what to but on your burgers and dogs and you will _not_ be allowed to come complain to me when he messes it up!"

Several minutes later, Alex and Olivia came wandering around the side of the house and into the backyard. They grinned eagerly and rushed over to hug Jess, who was busy trying to organize the food table.

"We weren't sure what to bring," Alex said excitedly. "So I made a huge salad and Olivia made some really good garlic breadsticks. We have strawberry cheesecake, too. Did you remember my fat-free hotdogs?"

Jess laughed and rolled her eyes as she placed the salad in the middle of the table. "Yes, we bought you your disgusting fat-free hotdogs. What on earth makes you think you need to lose weight? You're skinny as a rail!"

Alex shrugged and smiled. "I don't want to _lose_ weight, but I don't want to gain any either."

"Whatever," Jess joked as she looked over in Allen's direction. She smiled as she saw him talking to Steve and Casey. He still looked pretty nervous, and they were definitely keeping their distance, but it looked like things were slowly getting back to the way they were. She turned her gaze back to Alex and Olivia and smiled. "You two should go place your orders while he's still cooking. I'm not taking the blame if he cooks the wrong stuff. And Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"You don't need to lose weight, and if you gained a few pounds, you'd still be gorgeous. Enjoy yourself while you're here. Have a good time and eat as much as you want, okay?"

Alex nodded and smiled as she felt Olivia's arm lace with her own. "Okay."

Jess took a second to look at her friends interacting with her husband. Everyone seemed to be getting along nicely. Sure, it was a little awkward with Allen, but he was handling himself well. She was proud of him for it, too. It would have been really easy for him to just walk away from the barbeque and sit inside while she enjoyed this time with her friends. As everyone piled the food onto their plates and took a seat at the picnic table, she joined them, sitting next to Allen and smiling happily.

"Thank you," he whispered, squeezing her hand under the table.

She leaned over and nudged him gently. "I love you, Allen."

"I love you, too, Jess. I love you, too."

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"You really want to take me to Massachusetts, huh?" Alex asked as she climbed into bed with Olivia that night. She was exhausted from Jess' barbeque, but she was glad she went. It had been a lot of fun seeing all of her friends together like that. "You're serious about it, aren't you?"

"Absolutely," Olivia said happily, lacing her fingers in with Alex's. "We can get married there, and have our domestic partnership be recognized here. It's the best way of making us possible."

"I think it sounds like a wonderful idea."

Olivia pulled Alex closer and they wrapped their arms around each other. "You're my one and only," she whispered softly, gently pushing Alex's hair out of her face. "It was great to see you with everyone today, smiling and having a good time. I like it when you smile."

Alex laughed and traced her fingers along the small of Olivia's back. "You were smiling a lot yourself, Liv. You're beautiful when you smile, do you know that? You're absolutely beautiful."

"I think we're going to be smiling a lot more often now. Allen's home. Julia's adoption is nearly finalized. We're getting married." She grinned happily and rested her forehead against Alex's. "We're going to be smiling a lot more often now."

"Yeah we are," Alex said happily, slowly closing her eyes and relaxing in Olivia's arms. "We have a lot to be happy about now."

Olivia, too, began to relax and close her eyes, happy that Alex's arms were wrapped around her and holding her close. "I never thought happiness like this actually existed," she whispered softly. "You proved to me that it does exist. I love you so much."

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Okay, I'm thinking this story has gone just about as far as it can possibly go. I definitely want to put in a few more things, but I'm probably not going to make it more than maybe four or five more chapters. I just don't see it going much further than that.

I am, however, working on an idea for another story. I can't just quit writing. It's like my therapy :)


	46. In Her Father's Arms

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

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"Hey, m…um, m-mom?" Julia asked hesitantly as she made her way downstairs and towards the kitchen. She walked very slowly, trying to take up as much time as she could. This wasn't a conversation that was going to be easy for her to have, and she had picked up the nasty habit of trying to prolong the inevitable. It was amazing though, that she was now starting to call Casey mom. She couldn't remember ever calling anybody mom – her parents had died when she was only two – so this was a new thing for her. She still called her Casey on occasion, but usually she was able to call her mom.

Casey looked up and smiled warmly when she saw Julia standing in the doorway of the kitchen. It was difficult to see her looking so nervous, but she kept her warm smile glued on her face and prayed it helped make Julia feel a little more comfortable. Besides, Julia was calling her mom. She had definite reason to smile now. She always got a warm and fuzzy feeling whenever she heard Julia call her mom. It was still pretty early in the morning for Julia to be up, but the child occasionally woke up earlier than most twelve-year-olds ever did. She decided to shrug it off for the time being and try to make pleasant and positive conversation. Hopefully Julia would talk about the reasons she was awake at five in the morning. "Good morning!" she said excitedly, hoping her enthusiasm would rub off on Julia. "Would you like an omelette before you head off to school?"

"No thanks," Julia said softly. "I'm not really hungry."

"You should at least try to eat something. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day." Casey frowned as she looked over at Julia, who was now sitting at the table, staring blankly across the room. Her eyes looked so empty right now. It was a difficult thing to witness. She grabbed a banana – Julia's favorite fruit – and sat down next to her. "Hey," she said softly, peeling the skin off of half of the banana and handing it to Julia. "What's wrong?"

Julia took the banana and bit off a small piece. "Allen's back," she said hurriedly and with obviously fake happiness, trying to muster as much enthusiasm as she possibly could. "And Olivia and Alex are getting married in just under three weeks! The twins are getting bigger and healthier everyday. Everybody's –"

"Honey, shh," Casey whispered gently. Julia was obviously hiding something. She was speaking a mile a minute and talking about anything she could think of that wasn't what she really needed to be talking about. She held Julia's hand and squeezed gently. "It's okay, Jules. You can talk to me. What's going on, sweetie?"

Julia looked up, her eyes full of fear as she felt Casey squeeze her hand again. It was no wonder she was slowly becoming more and more comfortable calling Casey mom. Whenever she met Casey's eyes, all she saw was love and compassion. Casey really, truly loved her. She swallowed hard and took a deep breath. "Is…is Steve mad that – that I haven't called him dad yet?"

"What?" Casey asked, shocked and caught completely off guard by the question. "Of course he's not mad. He loves you, Jules. What happened that made you think he's mad at you?"

"I really want to call him dad, really I do. He's so nice to me, and I know he loves me as much as you do. I know he's safe and he'd never hurt me. I trust him. I just…I don't even know why I can't call him dad yet. He's doing so much for me…why can't I just do this one thing?"

Casey had to try hard to fight the tears as she listened to Julia's words. To hear her explain how she desperately wanted to call Steve dad was relieving, but it still hurt to see her like this. "You're going through a lot right now, Jules. I know how hard it is for you to trust men, and believe me, you've got some very good reasons for that. I think it'll just take a little time before you're really ready." She looked down at Julia and tried to study her expression, but didn't really get anywhere.

"I had a nightmare," she admitted softly several minutes later. "I dreamed that I called you mom and you were really, really happy about it. You hugged me and you had a really big smile on your face. Then I called him Steve and he got really upset. He kept yelling that if I was going to call you mom then I should call him dad. I tried to tell him that I was still scared and that I wanted to call him dad, I just wasn't ready yet. He just kept screaming and I was so scared and you were crying and he was yelling and –"

"It's okay," Casey interrupted softly, wrapping her arms around Julia and pulling her close. Julia was so upset she was starting to hyperventilate and Casey needed to calm her down quickly. This happened more often than Casey would like – Julia getting so worked up that she started struggling to catch her breath – and she hated that the child was in so much pain. "It's okay, honey," she said, her voice calm and soothing as she gently rocked her daughter back and forth. "It's okay, I promise."

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Alex wandered into the office nearly twenty minutes late. She was worried that Casey was going to go off on a huge, long lecture, preaching about how it looks bad when she's the only one in the office twenty minutes after everyone else was supposed to arrive. It wasn't _technically_ her fault, though. She and Olivia had gotten slightly carried away in a rather heated kissing match after breakfast and she had lost track of time. Olivia had been caressing her lips so wonderfully that it had completely slipped her mind that she had to go in to work until it was too late. "Casey, I am so sorry I'm late. I lost track –" she stopped as soon as she stepped foot in the office. Casey was sitting at her desk, elbows on the desk with her forehead resting on her hands. "Case, what's wrong?"

Casey looked up and quickly tried to dry her tears. She hated it when other people saw her crying. "It's nothing," she said hurriedly, trying to divert the conversation in another direction. She wasn't really in the mood to talk about the conversation she'd had with Julia earlier that morning. "How are you? You know how bad it looks when I'm the only one in here. You have a good excuse for being late?"

"Not really," Alex joked lightly, then pulled her chair over next to Casey and placed a hand on her back. Casey was looking pretty upset, and she was worried. "You don't have to talk if you don't want to Case. I just want to make sure you're okay."

"I think so," she said softly, managing a small smile as she looked gratefully at Alex. "Thanks."

Alex patted her back gently and pulled her chair back over to her desk. She could tell that Casey wasn't really in the mood to talk at the moment, and she knew better than to try to push her. She would talk if and when she was ready to. Deciding some good news would probably help cheer Casey up, she smiled proudly and tilted her head to the side. "I got a call from Warren's lawyer yesterday."

"You look way too happy about hearing from him. That guy's a total asshole."

Alex shrugged. "He is an asshole. Usually I'm pretty tempted to rip the phone from the wall whenever I hear is voice coming from the other end."

"But this time was different?"

"Yep."

"How?"

Alex smiled. "He told me that Jennings stopped denying he had sex with all three of the girls."

Casey furrowed her eyebrows. "In exchange for what?"

"Apparently nothing."

"Seriously?"

"He said Jennings finally figured out that it was in his best interest to stop lying and just tell the truth." Alex felt herself getting more and more excited as she spoke to Casey about this. "Not that it's really going to matter anyway. Jennings is so old that even if he cooperates throughout the rest of the investigation, he's still going to rot in jail until the day he dies."

Casey felt relief washing over her as she realized this case was slowly becoming more and more a guaranteed win. She didn't want to get her hopes up too quickly, but things were definitely moving in the right direction. "This means more paperwork for you though."

"Hey, if the only way I can make everyone's lives easier is to fill out a bajillion forms and files, then bring 'em on." She smiled and straightened a stack of papers on her desk. "He's still vehemently denying he had any sexual contact with Julia, so she's going to have to testify. He's admitted to raping Grace and Abigail though, so at least that's something."

"Yeah," Casey said sadly. She frowned as she looked at the picture on her desk. It had been taken a few weeks after Julia had moved in with her and Steve. They were all sitting on a park bench and smiling happily. "It's just not fair."

"No, it's not," Alex agreed softly. "It's not fair. But it is what it is. I promise you, Case, I am going to do everything I possibly can to make sure Julia's trial goes as quickly and smoothly as possible." She looked over at Casey and was slightly disconcerted to see the woman not even look up from the picture she was staring at. "Are you sure you're okay, Case?"

"Not really," Casey admitted softly, only partially aware that she'd even uttered those words. She was too busy staring at the picture and tracing the frame with her fingers. She loved Julia more than she thought she could possibly love another human being – with the exception, of course, of Steve – and knowing how much the child was hurting right now nearly killed her. "I love her so much," she whispered. "She's in so much pain and there's nothing I can do to take that pain away. Nothing I do seems to make any difference."

"Casey, you know that's not true," Alex said firmly. She put her papers back in their respective files and walked over to Casey's desk. She stood next to the woman and admired the picture with her. "Look at that smile on her face," Alex said, almost in a demanding voice. When Casey looked away and closed her eyes, Alex knelt beside her and repeated herself. "Look at her, Casey. Look at how happy she is in that picture. Do you have _any_ idea how much of a role you played in getting her to smile like that?" She leaned her head onto Casey's shoulder and gently nudged her. "You're doing so much for her, Case." She took a deep breath and finally managed to meet Casey's eyes. "I know a lot of what she's feeling. I've been through a lot of what she's been through. I know what it's like to have to testify against someone who hurt you. It's a terrifying place to be, but it's so much less terrifying when you're surrounded by people who love you." She paused for a second and smiled warmly. "Please believe me when I say this. You are helping her. You are helping her so much more than you could possibly imagine. You are showing her unconditional love. You are letting her cry when she needs to, you're not blaming her, you're showing her that life really can be beautiful. You _are_ helping her."

Casey sniffled and rubbed her face with her hands. She closed her eyes and took a few deep, slow breaths. "Thank you," she managed to say before having to take a few more deep breaths to calm down. She swallowed hard and looked back up at Alex. "Thank you," she said again. "You're a great friend, Alex. I…I don't think I'd be able to do this without you."

Alex blushed and stood back up. "Yeah, well, there's a hell of a lot that I wouldn't have been able to get through if it hadn't been for you." She sat back down at her desk and stared at the files in front of her, but just could not muster the motivation to start filling out the necessary information. She looked up and smiled. "What do you say we go grab a bite to eat, huh? My treat."

"I think that sounds nice. I didn't really eat much breakfast today."

"What are you in the mood for?"

"Honestly, I think I want a huge, juicy burger."

Alex laughed. "Then the burger joint down the street it is."

"You sure you're up for treating me to lunch? I can pay my own way."

"You paid for lunch last time. It's my turn."

Casey rolled her eyes and grabbed her purse. "Okay. I guess I can let you buy me a burger."

"And a coke and fries."

"Fine. And a coke and fries."

"Come with me my dear," Alex joked, leading Casey out of the office and down the hall. They walked into the elevator and smiled, glad that they were the only ones on it. "You're a good mom," Alex said gently. "Don't doubt yourself so much."

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"I booked us a room by the park where Alex and Olivia are getting married," Jess said excitedly as she walked into the living room and found Allen trying to feed both twins at once. "Let me help you with that."

"Oh, thanks," he said quickly as he handed her Christopher and Christopher's bottle. It had looked so easy when he started, but feeding the two of them at once was proving to be a rather difficult task.

"Come here, you," she said happily as she took Christopher from Allen and held him in one arm. She put the bottle close to his mouth and he happily began sucking from it. "I can't believe you're nearly four months old now. Time flies by so quickly."

"So," he said, eager to hear all about the hotel. He shifted Alexa as he leaned against the couch. For some reason – one which he hadn't yet figured out – it was easier to sit on the floor and lean against the couch while feeding the twins rather than doing it while sitting on the couch. "Did you get us a nice hotel?"

"You'd better believe I did!" she said excitedly. "It's absolutely gorgeous. Casey, Steve, and Julia have a two-bedroom suite next door, so that's a plus. We've only got one bedroom, but it's still a suite." She picked up Chriss and held him up to burp him, smiling proudly when he let out a big one. "Atta boy!" she encouraged him happily. "Anyways, we'll need to bring something for these guys to sleep in. Either that or we let them sleep between us. It _is_ a king bed after all."

He raised his eyebrows in surprise. "You booked us a room with a king-sized bed?"

"Yep. And it has a large whirlpool tub with six jets. We have a private balcony looking over a large lake. There's a full-sized kitchen. Our bedroom's gorgeous and the main area's not too bad either. We're not ever going to want to leave."

"That sounds wonderful," he said, burping Alexa. He smiled as he did so, glad that she had taken the entire bottle. He remembered how small and frail she was when she was born. He'd left before ever having the chance to even hold her. Jess really had done a great job getting the twins healthy. He put Alexa down on her blanket and rubbed her stomach. "I can't believe I actually ran away from this. I can't believe I almost missed out on this."

Jess finished burping Christopher and put him down next to Alexa. "You did run away," she said sadly. "But you also came back." She smiled and rested her head on his shoulder. "You came back."

He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and leaned his head against hers. "I'm so sorry I left you alone for so long." He squeezed her gently and kissed her forehead. "You need to know that you did a great job getting these two healthy though. You did everything right, Jess. You did everything right."

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"Olivia, would you like to share anything with the group today?" Sarah asked after another woman had finished telling her story. It was Olivia's third time in the group meeting, and she had yet to say a single word to anybody. Everyone was being very warm and friendly, encouraging her to move at her own pace.

She looked up and tried to smile at everyone sitting around her. They all looked like such brave, strong women. She felt so weak next to all of them. "Um, I guess so," she finally managed to say.

"Good," Sarah said softly, trying to encourage Olivia to speak. "Whenever you're ready."

Olivia nodded and took a deep breath. "I, um…I just has my um, my double mastectomy about four months ago." She wasn't sure if she was comfortable sharing with everybody that she was gay, but at the same time, she wouldn't be able to tell much about how she had treated Alex without giving it away. "It's been pretty hard. There are some days where I cannot possibly understand how anybody could look at me and think I'm beautiful. Then there are others when I'm feeling pretty okay." She smiled and sniffled a little. "I like those days."

"Those are the good ones," one woman spoke up.

"Yeah," Olivia said softly. "They're becoming more and more frequent for me, especially since my…" she hesitated, but decided she didn't need to be keeping secrets from the group. She was who she was and she was damned proud to be with Alex. There was no reason she should have to hide it now. "My girlfriend always makes sure to tell me how beautiful I am and how much she still loves me. She's the reason I'm still standing strong today."

The room was silent, though it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. Everyone was smiling proudly at Olivia and nodding in understanding as she talked about her struggles. It was obvious that they were all going through the same thoughts and feelings, and it definitely helped to hear that others were going through the same things – that they weren't alone.

"Thank you, Olivia," Sarah said, smiling proudly at Olivia. She was relieved that the woman finally felt comfortable divulging what she was feeling. That was the first step towards a true recovery. "It's helpful to have such a strong support system at home as well."

"That I've got," Olivia said happily, feeling the tears that were forming in her eyes as she thought about just how wonderful Alex was to her. "That I've definitely got."

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"So our hotel room's all booked and ready to go?" Casey asked anxiously as she walked into the house. She'd gotten a last minute call from Elliot, begging her to get a warrant signed before tomorrow, so she was later getting home than she'd originally planned. Luckily, even though she'd been so upset this morning, Julia was okay with being alone with Steve for the short period of time it would take for Casey to get the warrant signed. Casey was proud of her for that. She set her bags down and sat down on the couch. "You got us a two-bedroom suite?"

"I got it," Steve assured her happily, dishing out some dinner and carrying it out to her. He could tell that she was exhausted, and he was happy to take care of her. "It's a two-bedroom suite next door to Jess and Allen's room. It's a beautiful suite. Julia will have her own room so she'll be comfortable. We'll have our own room so we can…do whatever we want," he teased playfully.

She laughed and placed her hand on his thigh. "Mmmm, I like the sound of that."

"Yeah? What kind of stuff do you plan on doing with me? Keep in mind that our daughter will be able to hear pretty much everything we do. I do _not_ want to scar that child with our wild hot monkey sex."

"Wild hot monkey sex, huh?"

He nodded. "Oh yeah. You scream pretty loud when we're getting it on."

Her eyes widened and she smacked his thigh. "I do _not_ scream that loud!"

"Oh yes you do."

"Well you make loud groaning noises!"

"No I don't. I'm pretty quiet. You're the noisy one."

She couldn't stop laughing as she put her now empty dinner plate on the coffee table in front of her. "You're too much, Steven Novak. Do you know that? You're too much."

He wrapped his arm around her and smiled. "But you love me anyway."

"Damn right I do," she said, grinning as she leaned in and kissed him.

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As soon as she opened the door, her eyes widened and she dropped her bag right where she stood. Rose petals littered the living room floor and trailed out into the dining room as well. Candles were sitting on the mantle over the fireplace, the bookshelf, and the coffee table. On the dining room table were two tall candles, along with a huge pasta and salad dinner. She walked towards the table, barely able to breathe she was so surprised. "Alex, what…what is…" she couldn't even find the right words.

Alex was standing in the kitchen, a single red rose in her hand. She smiled as she walked over to Olivia and handed her the flower. "I got out of work a little early tonight. I know you had your group meeting tonight, so I wanted you to come home to something special."

"Alex, this is amazing. I don't even know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything," she said softly, cupping Olivia's face in her hands and wiping away Olivia's tears with her thumb. "The last two times you came home from your group, I could tell you were pretty scared. I can see how much this is helping you, Liv, even after only three meetings. I just…I see how scared you are when I come home. I see it in your eyes. You hear those women talk about how their husbands or friends or families or whatever left them, and then that fear comes back to you. You try to hide it, but I can still see it."

Olivia swallowed as she tried to fight the tears. "It's just so hard to hear their stories and keep believing that mine won't turn out the same way. I want to believe it," she said, her tears starting to flow harder now. "It's just hard sometimes."

"That's why I did this for you tonight," Alex said lovingly as she looked into Olivia's eyes. "I wanted to do something to try to make it easier. I'll do anything and everything I can to make it easier for you, Liv, just like you always did the same to make it easier for me. I love you. If I can do something to prove that to you, then I'll do it."

Olivia was on the brink of crumbling onto the floor in a fit of sobs, but managed to hold herself together. She desperately wanted to enjoy this dinner Alex had cooked – and obviously spent a lot of time on – so she needed to keep the tears away, for now at least. Perhaps later on tonight she could let them fall again. "This is incredible, Alex. I can't believe you did all this for me."

"Of course I did," Alex said softly, leading Olivia to the table and pulling her chair out for her. "I love you."

Olivia smiled at all the food sitting in front of her, the candles that were lit all over the place, the rose petals all over the floor, and her girlfriend – the most perfect woman in the world – standing right in front of her. "I love you, too."

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_He was going to hurt her again. He'd come into her bedroom for the third night in a row, and now he was lying on top of her. She could feel his hands slipping down her pants, slowly pulling them off. He was already naked. He was always naked when he came into her room at night. Suddenly, he was inside her. Pain rushed through her entire body as she began screaming and fighting, begging him to stop._

Casey ran as fast as she could down the hall and into Julia's room, nearly beginning to panic as she saw her daughter kicking and screaming in her sleep. She jumped onto the bed and tried desperately to wake her up, hating to see her reliving her most horrible experiences. "Jules, wake up!" she yelled frantically. "Wake up, honey. Wake up. You're safe, I promise. He's not hurting you. You're safe at home, in your own bed."

"Stop it! Stop it!" Julia screamed desperately. "Please, just leave me alone!" She continued to thrash and scream for several more seconds. "Help! Please, help me! Daddy! Daddy, help me! DADDY!"

Casey hesitated for a brief moment, not really sure if she was correctly understanding what Julia was screaming, before she yelled for Steve. "Steve! Steve get in here quick!"

Steve had been awake, lying in bed the entire time. He had never, in the more than five months since Julia had moved in with them, gone into her bedroom during one of her nightmares. It had always terrified her to even see him after she'd woken up. Now, though, he could hear Casey screaming for him to get in there as quickly as he could. He was reluctant to go in there, but as soon as he heard Julia screaming "Daddy," he bolted out of bed and ran straight into the room.

"I can't wake her up," Casey said, her voice full of fear as he knelt down by the bed next to her. "I can't wake her up, Steve."

He could feel his eyes filling with tears as Julia fought desperately against her nightmare attacker, screaming desperately for her daddy to rescue her. "I'm right here, Jules," he whispered, gently stroking her hair. "He can't hurt you, honey. You're safe now. Daddy's here."

The sound of his voice was what finally brought her out of her nightmare. She opened her eyes wide as she saw him, and rolled over so she could wrap her arms around him tightly. "He was hurting me again," she cried, clinging desperately to him. "He was in my room and he was hurting me and he wouldn't stop!"

"I know, baby," Steve said, sniffling and fighting the tears. How had Casey been doing this for the last five months? It was so difficult to see her like this. "You're safe now," he whispered, not knowing what else to say.

She stayed like that for a few more minutes, trying to calm down. She was glad that both of her parents were in there with her, her father holding her and her mother gently rubbing her back. She sat up and rubbed the tears out of her eyes as she looked pleadingly at her father. "Will…will you lie here with me until I fall asleep? I don't want to fall back asleep without you in here."

Steve couldn't believe what he was hearing, but he nodded firmly and tucked her back under the covers of her bed. He laid down on top of them and inhaled sharply as she snuggled close to him and rested her head against his chest. He looked over at Casey, who was now sobbing quietly at the sight she was witnessing, and wrapped his arms around his daughter.

Julia wasn't sure why she suddenly felt so safe and comfortable with Steve, but as she felt his arms wrap around her, she knew she was going to be able to quickly fall back asleep. She wrapped her arms around him and closed her eyes. Shortly afterwards, she fell into a deep, peaceful sleep…safe and sound in her father's arms.

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	47. We'll Talk Tomorrow

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

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"Three days," Alex said in awe as she plopped herself down onto the couch in Jess and Allen's hotel room. Allen had taken the twins for a walk in the park so she and Jess were the only ones in the suite. She sighed happily and smiled. "I can't believe I'm getting married in three days!"

Jess chuckled from the kitchen as she brought out two glasses of iced tea and handed one to Alex, then sat down next to her and grinned excitedly. "I know! I'm so excited for you!"

Alex put her cup down on the coffee table and pulled her legs up underneath her. "Is it bad that I'm nervous as hell?"

Jess smiled warmly as she put her cup down. "Not at all," she answered honestly. "I was terrified when I married Allen. I just had to keep reminding myself how much I loved him – how much he completed me. I would look into his eyes and see just how much he really loved me."

"And that helped?"

Jess laughed as she shrugged her shoulders. "It took a little while, but yeah, it worked." She took another sip of her tea and frowned when she saw Alex tracing the rim of her cup with her fingers. "It's okay to be scared, Alex," she said softly. "But don't you dare start questioning Olivia's love for you. That woman loves you. She really, really loves you."

"I know she does," Alex said, staring at her glass. "And I love her. I just…I'm still having a hard time believing that _anybody_ could ever love me, especially in the way that she claims to."

"What?" Jess asked, her voice full of concern. She had no idea that Alex was still questioning herself this much. She moved over so she was sitting closer to Alex and tried to stay calm and collected. "Of course she loves you. And I love you. Allen loves you. Casey, Steve, and Julia love you. All the guys at the station love you. You've got a lot of people who love you, Alex."

Alex blinked away a few tears and managed a half smile. "I know I do. Honestly, there's no way I would have ever made it this far if hadn't been for all of you. With Olivia, I just don't…I don't see how she could possibly find me attractive." She swallowed hard and looked down, hating herself for having uttered those words in front of Jess. She hated looking so weak in front of people.

"Oh, God, Alex, no," Jess said softly. "You're beautiful. Of course she finds you attractive."

Alex shook her head and looked down to her lap. "I just have so many scars. There's so many of them, and they're so big, and they cover so much of my body." She paused and wiped away a few stray tears. What the hell was happening to her right now that was making her confess all of this to Jess? She shook her head and swallowed, praying her tears stopped falling soon. "My whole life everybody always told me that I was so ugly that I would be alone forever. I believed them, too. As the years went by, I slowly allowed myself to believe that maybe I was good enough to have a few friends, but lovers…that was impossible. I was way too ugly for anybody to actually love. I mean, honestly Jess, who could possibly love somebody whose body is covered in scars?"

"I could," Jess said warmly. "And Olivia does. Your scars don't make you ugly, Alex. They don't make you ugly at all. They're your battle scars and you should be proud of them."

"Proud?" Alex scoffed.

"Yes, _proud_," Jess said firmly. "Look at everything that you've been through, and then look at where you are today. Be proud of that, Alex. Be proud of what you've overcome." She took a deep breath and looked into Alex's eyes. "Your scars are proof of the amazing amount of strength that you have. They're proof of just how much you're capable of doing. Anybody who thinks otherwise isn't worth your time."

Alex sniffled and leaned against Jess. "Sometimes I just feel like my scars are all that she could possibly see whenever she looks at me. I know that's not true, but sometimes, I can't help feeling that way."

Jess gently combed her fingers through Alex's now nearly shoulder-length hair and smiled lovingly. "I have a feeling your scars are one of the last things she sees. You are so much more than your scars, Alex. So much more."

"You really think so?"

"You bet I do. Olivia feels the same way, I promise. She loves you so much. She sees how strong you are. She sees what you do for her. You remember the look on her face when you showed her your shaved head," Jess said, smiling proudly as Alex laughed lightly, remembering Olivia's shocked expression. "She sees what a kind and loving person you are. And she definitely sees what a beautiful person you are."

Alex sighed and rubbed her eyes. She hated that she was this scared three days before the wedding. It was just so hard to throw away all the taunts and criticisms she'd been hearing her entire life. "I think I'm just…still trying to allow myself to believe that all this is really possible…that I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and realize that this was all just a dream and I'm really alone."

Jess smiled and squeezed Alex's hands. "You're not alone, I promise. You'll never be alone."

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"So, I think we'll have all the chairs sitting here, facing the stream," Olivia said as she walked towards the large open field they had reserved for their wedding. She couldn't keep the excited grin off her face as she thought about all that was being put in to this event. She wanted to make sure everything was perfect.

"I think you should have a white arbor with a bunch of flowers all over it for Alex to walk through," Julia said happily, excited that she had been invited to participate in this part of the planning. She'll look so beautiful walking through something like that."

Casey grinned and looked over at Olivia. "She's right. That would be really nice for Alex, too. She'd get to walk under a flower-covered arbor, up a flower-covered aisle, up flower-covered stairs, and finally up to you."

"And you'll of course be her grand prize," Julia said quickly, walking around the space and trying to get a feel for how big it was. "You can put some flowery vines or something along the outsides of where everyone's sitting. Like, have all the chairs set in the two sections or whatever, and then to the left – the outsides – put more arbors or something with more flowers. Alex really likes flowers."

Olivia laughed and shook her head. "And just how many weddings have you planned, Jules? You sound like a pro here."

Julia blushed and shook her head. "None. I just remember Alex telling me one time that she loved flowers. She said she wanted to have a lot of them at her wedding."

"Then we'll get as many flowers as we possibly can," Olivia said, putting her arm around Julia and walking towards the stream with her. "Thanks for coming here to help out. I need as many ideas as I can get. I'm so terrible at planning things…that plus I'm nervous as hell since it's my own wedding."

"Well then you're lucky you've got me and my mom helping you out."

Olivia looked up and grinned at Casey, loving the look she saw in the woman's eyes as she heard Julia call her mom. "Kid, you have no idea just how lucky I am that I have you and your mom in my life."

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"Okay, guys, we're going to get you rolling over and having all sorts of fun today," Allen said excitedly as he spread out the large blanket and made sure there weren't any rocks or sticks under it that could hurt them.

"You've got some good looking kids there, Allen," Elliot said, pushing the stroller over to the blanket and pulling Alexa out. "She looks just like you."

Steve grinned as he pulled Christopher out of the stroller. "We haven't decided yet if that's a good thing or a bad thing though." He smiled as he put Christopher down next to Alexa on the blanket. "Seriously though, you and Jess made two very hot babies."

Allen looked up and cocked his head. "Did you just call my kids hot?"

"Only in the nicest, most non-child molester way possible," Steve said quickly, feeling Elliot's eyes glaring at him. He grinned happily as he saw both twins trying to turn themselves over. "Watch, before you know it they'll be running around the house, driving you and Jess absolutely nuts."

Steve shook his head and sat down next to Christopher. "They could never drive me nuts," he said, smiling proudly at them. "I love them too much for that to ever happen."

The three of them sat down on the blanket, happily watching as the twins tried to explore their new surroundings. They were kicking and giggling and trying to turn over. They kept turning their heads towards new sounds and moving their eyes around, trying to take in everything they were seeing.

"I can't believe Cabot and Liv are finally getting married," Elliot said after a few minutes. "We've been waiting for this day since about the time Alex was transferred to SVU all those years ago."

Steve smiled and shook his head. "They make one hell of a good match, that's for sure."

"Yeah they do," Allen said softly. "Yeah they do."

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Alex sighed and slowly stood up, realizing that she'd spent entirely too much time at Jess' and that it was about time she headed out. She began gathering her things, feeling the need to be alone for a little while. Confessing all of that to Jess, while it had felt good, had been pretty draining. "I should probably get going," she said quickly. "Olivia and Casey are at the park making the final decisions about where everything's going to go and I'd really like to be there for that."

"Okay," Jess said softly as she stood up and cleared off the coffee table. She was very much aware that Alex had just dodged her praise, but now wasn't the time to bring it up. Alex needed to go help plan her wedding. "You go help make this Saturday absolutely beautiful."

Alex smiled weakly as she set her purse down by the door. "I think I'm going to go use your bathroom before I head out there. I hate the stupid porta-potties they have."

"Go right ahead."

"Thanks."

As Alex finished up in the bathroom, Jess put their cups into the sink and quickly washed them. Just as she was putting them away, she heard Alex scream her name from the bathroom. She quickly threw the cups into the cabinet and ran down the hall. "Alex?" she yelled, pounding on the door. "What's wrong?"

"Olivia's picture!" Alex said desperately, trying to keep from panicking.

Jess immediately knew what was happening. Alex kept a small, framed picture of Olivia with her at all times. It was usually the only thing that could really help her through a flashback when Olivia wasn't there. Jess quickly grabbed the picture out of Alex's purse and ran into the bathroom, relief rushing over her when she found the door unlocked. "Here, honey," she said gently, sitting against the bathtub next to Alex.

"Thank you," Alex said, breathing heavily as she tried to focus on the object in her hands. "Smooth, brown frame. Glass cover. Smooth, glass cover," she started, needing to describe the picture and frame in great detail to get herself through the flashback. "Olivia's long brown wig. My long blonde one. park bench…" her voice drifted off as the flashback became more intense. She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head back and forth, feeling like she was losing the battle.

"It's only a flashback," Jess said softly. She hated this more than anything. Seeing Alex struggling so hard to get through her flashback was painful just to witness. To actually have to go through it must have been horrendous. She gently shook the picture in Alex's hands, hoping to bring Alex's attention back to it. "What else is in the picture, Alex? What else do you see?"

Alex took several deep breaths before opening her eyes and trying to refocus on the picture. "Park bench. White railing by the stream. Large, grassy hill. Huge smile on her face. She's holding me close and she's smiling. I'm smiling, too. I'm happy in her arms. We're both happy."

"That's it," Jess encouraged. She kept her one hand firmly placed on Alex's back as she gently squeezed Alex's hand with her other hand. "You got this, Alex. You're almost there."

Alex held tight to Jess' hand with one hand and the picture with her other. She tried to focus on all the things around her that she couldn't possibly have had access to during her attack: the sink in front of her, the bathtub behind her, the picture in her hands, Jess' voice. That was what actually helped the most: hearing Jess' voice. It helped even more than the picture alone. She could put the picture down and squeeze her eyes shut tight, but Jess' voice was always there to pull her back to safety. She took several more deep breaths and then set the picture down in her lap and nodded with relief. "Okay," she said weakly. "It's over."

Jess allowed herself to breathe a small sigh of relief as she gave Alex's hand a final squeeze. This had been a particularly bad flashback for Alex. She'd taken nearly twenty minutes before she was even able to begin naming the things in the picture and around her. Jess slowly helped her to her feet, knowing that she must have been exhausted. "Come on. Let's get you out onto the couch in the main room. Then I'll give Olivia a call."

Alex nodded and allowed Jess to lead her out to the couch. "That sounds great. Thank you."

Jess shook her head slowly, telling Alex that she didn't need to thank her for anything. "Can I get you anything else while we're waiting for her to come over? A glass of water or something?"

"A glass of water would be great."

"Okay," Jess said, walking towards the hallway. "My phone's in my bag in the bedroom. Do you want me to come back out after I call her, or do you need to be alone for a little while?" she knew it was hit or miss with Alex. Sometimes, the woman needed to be alone after a flashback; someone next to her. Jess had learned from Olivia that Alex very rarely asked for whoever was with her to actually stay with her. She needed to be asked that first.

"Would you…would you mind staying…just for a little while?"

Jess nodded and smiled warmly. She was glad that Alex was so quickly able to admit the need to not be alone. "Of course I'll stay. I'll go give her a call. Then I'll come back out here and sit with you until she gets here. Does that sound okay?"

"Yeah," Alex said quietly. "That sounds good."

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"I think I'm just going to have the chicken strips salad," Olivia said, folding her menu and handing it to the waitress. "I'm not nearly as hungry as I thought I was an hour ago." They had all decided, after nearly three straight hours of wedding planning in the park, to take a break and get something to eat. Luckily, they had quickly found a quaint little sandwich and soup place not too far from the park. It was reasonably priced, and everyone was able to find something they liked.

The waitress smiled and took the menu. "That happens sometimes. What can I get you to drink?"

"Ice water's fine," Olivia said.

"All right, and what can I get for you today?" she asked, smiling as she looked over to Julia.

"I'll have a cherry coke and the crab cake sandwich," Julia answered happily. "But instead of potato chips, can I get french fries?"

"Absolutely," the waitress answered, jotting down Julia's order on her notepad. She smiled and turned to Casey. "And what can I get for you?"

"I think the turkey club sandwich will do it for me," Casey answered. "With a ginger ale."

The waitress nodded and finished writing down everyone's orders. She smiled as she collected all the menus and stacked them neatly against her notepad. "I'll put the order in and be right back out with your drinks."

"Thank you," everyone said in unison.

"Three more days," Olivia said happily once the waitress had left. "I'm marrying the most beautiful woman in the world in just three days. I still can't believe it's actually happening…that it's not all some huge, wonderful dream."

Julia shook her head and smiled. "It can't be a dream. You never met me before Casey did, and there's no way you've been dreaming that long. How do you think you could have dreamed me if you didn't know me?"

Olivia laughed and rolled her eyes playfully. "You've got a point."

"I know."

"Well I'm just glad the two of you finally admitted your love for each other," Casey said, faking annoyance. "I swear it was getting to the point when we were all going to start placing bets at the station. None of us were sure when you two would ever end up together, but we all knew for a fact that it'd happen eventually."

"You knew it for a fact did you?" Olivia joked.

"You bet we did."

Olivia sighed and looked at the promise ring she had on her finger. Alex had gone out and bought her one after the cruise, and she hadn't taken it off since. In all her years of life, she never imagined she'd ever be this happy. It just never seemed possible. "Happiness like this really does exist, doesn't it?" she said, more to herself than to anyone else.

"It absolutely does," Casey said, gently patting Olivia's knee. "It absolutely exists and I have no doubt that you've found it in Alex. The two of you are so perfect for each other, Liv. I'm so happy for you."

"You're both lucky," Julia chimed in. "Love's an amazing thing, so whenever you find someone you love, hold onto them." She smiled and looked over at Casey. "I don't plan on letting go anytime soon. You shouldn't either."

Casey smiled and wrapped her arm around Julia's shoulders. "I hope not, because I don't think I'd be able to let you let go anytime soon. I love you too much to ever do that."

"You two found something amazing, too," Olivia said, smiling proudly at Casey and Julia. "It really feels great to have something like this, ya know? I never had a family or anything growing up, but now…now I've got the best one I could ever ask for."

"So do I," Julia said happily.

"Same here," Casey finished. She smiled as the waitress carefully balanced the tray of food and set it down on the table next to theirs. "Okay, one chicken tender salad, one crab cake sandwich, and one turkey club sandwich," she said, handing the food to the respective person. "If there's anything else I can get for you, please, don't hesitate to scream my name. I'll come running."

"Thank you," Olivia said, taking a bite of her salad and smiling. "This is delicious."

They all ate in relative silence, hungry from the day's exciting, but tiring, wedding planning. It was a comfortable silence, though. Everyone was eating and smiling at one another, glad to be in each other's company. They all felt blessed to have the family unit they had, and none of them would have traded it for anything.

"Woah," Olivia said suddenly, jumping in her seat and nearly dropping her fork. "My leg just started vibrating." She smiled and shook her head, embarrassed that her ringing phone had startled her that much. "Hello?"

"Liv, it's Jess."

"Oh, hey, Jess," she said happily, unaware of the tense situation that was occurring on the other end of the line. "How's it going at the hotel? Is your room as beautiful as you thought it would be?"

Jess hesitated briefly. "Um, Liv, I think you need to come over…if you can."

Olivia furrowed her eyebrows and quietly excused herself from the table so she could talk to Jess in private. "Why? What's going on?"

Jess sighed. "Alex had a pretty bad flashback. She's pretty okay now," she added quickly, hoping to keep Olivia from overreacting. "I think she just really needs to be with you right now. It was…it was a pretty bad one, Liv."

"Damn," Olivia said sadly. She hated that she hadn't been there for Alex. She knew that there was no way she could be there for every single one of Alex's flashbacks, but she still hated it when she missed one. "Tell her I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

"Okay."

"And Jess?" Olivia said quickly, hoping to catch her before she hung up.

"Yeah?"

Olivia swallowed and wiped away a single tear that had fallen down her cheek. "Thank you."

"I just wish I could do more."

"You do more than you know, Jess, believe me. I'll be there in fifteen, maybe twenty minutes. Tell her I'm on my way, will you? Tell her I'm coming as fast as I can."

"I will. I'll tell her now."

"I'll be there as soon as I can."

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"She said she'll be here in no more than fifteen or twenty minutes," Jess said softly as she slowly took a seat next to Alex. "How are you feeling? Do you need another glass of water or anything?"

Alex smiled gratefully and shook her head. "I'm okay, thanks." She closed her eyes and took a slow, deep breath. "I mean that," she said firmly, opening her eyes and looking at Jess. "Thanks."

Jess shook her head and smiled weakly. "You never have to thank me for doing something like this, Alex. I know you'd to the same for me in a heartbeat." She gave Alex a hug and gently rubbed her back. "I love you like a sister, Alex. I will always love you and I will always be here for you, no questions asked."

"I know you will," Alex said weakly.

"And I know you'll always be there for me," Jess added softly. "You have proven that time and time again. You got me through when Allen left me. You helped me more then than I could ever describe."

Alex managed a weak smile as Jess pulled out of her hug. "Of course I helped you. That's what family does."

"Yeah," Jess said softly, "And we're family."

Alex sniffled and leaned her head against Jess' shoulder, happy that, while her situation seemed so bleak right now, at least she had friends and family that she knew she could depend on, no matter what.

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Jess crawled into bed and snuggled close to Allen, smiling when she felt his arm wrap around her. "I'm glad you and the guys had a good time at the park today," she said softly. "I think you really wore the twins out. They fell asleep quickly today."

Allen smiled and chuckled lightly. "They seemed to enjoy themselves outside. They were so curious. They wanted to see and touch everything around them. I think they got a little frustrated when they realized they couldn't move to wherever they wanted, but they're getting there. They're already pretty much able to roll over on their own."

"That is so awesome," Jess said, sighing happily and curling a little closer to Allen. The twins were asleep in their cribs at the foot of the bed. They had decided it would be easier to just bring travel cribs with them rather than have to worry about putting them in the bed. She smiled as she watched them sleeping peacefully. "I can't even begin to describe how happy that makes me, Allen. When I think about how close I came to losing them…"

"Shh," he said, gently massaging her shoulders. "Don't think that way, Jess."

"I did almost lose them, Allen. I should have been more –"

"Stop," he interrupted firmly. He gently pulled on her shoulder so she rolled over and faced him. He caressed her cheek and kissed her lightly. "You couldn't have done anything to stop what happened. It wasn't your fault." He brushed the hair out of her face and kissed her again. "They're strong and healthy now, and that's all because of you, honey."

She stifled a sob as she rested her head against his chest. She clutched his shirt and tried not to cry. "It's just so amazing to see them so strong. I was so scared I was going to lose them, Allen. I was so scared."

"So was I," he said. "But we're not going to lose them. They're strong and healthy now, and we're going to see them grow into beautiful and loving adults. We're going to have so much love for them, and we're going to have such a great time watching them grow up."

"I know," she whispered, finally relaxing and starting to fall asleep. "I love you, Allen."

"I love you, too, Jess. Get some rest. I'll see you in the morning."

"Yeah," she said, closing her eyes. "Good night."

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"You feeling any better?" Olivia asked softly, pulling the blanket over her and Alex and wrapping her arm around Alex's shoulders. They had just taken a long, hot bath, and were now snuggled up together on the couch. Alex hadn't uttered a single word since they'd arrived back at their hotel room, and Olivia was worried. "Can I do anything else, Al?"

Alex shook her head and rested it against Olivia's shoulder. She wasn't sure how to start talking – she didn't know where to begin. There was so much she needed to tell Olivia, but she just didn't know how to start. She opened her mouth, but the words wouldn't come out. Closing her eyes and accepting defeat, she pulled her knees up to her chest and reluctantly allowed a few tears to fall.

Olivia hated to see Alex like this. It had been a long time since Alex had sunk this low after a flashback, and Olivia was determined to pull her out of it. She was pretty sure that the stress of upcoming wedding was playing at least a small part of this, and she wanted to make sure Alex understood how much she was loved. "You don't have to say anything," Olivia said softly. "Just know that I love you very, very much, okay? Focus on that, honey. Know that I love you more than anything else in this world."

"It was so bad," Alex said weakly.

"I know," Olivia whispered. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there. I'm so sorry."

"I could feel him all over me. It felt so real, Liv."

Olivia held Alex a little closer and tried desperately to fight the tears that were threatening to fall. "I know it did, honey. I should have been there. I'm sorry I wasn't."

Alex shook her head and squeezed Olivia's hand. "You can't be with me every single second of every single day, Liv. You were busy planning our perfect day. It's okay."

"I still should have been there."

"You're here now," Alex said, swallowing hard and starting to cry a little harder. "That's what's important. You're here now."

"Yeah. I'm here. I'm right here, honey. I'm right here."

Alex rested against Olivia for the next several minutes. She kept racking her brain, trying to think of ways to start what she knew was going to be a difficult conversation. There was no easy way to do it, and she knew that it was a conversation that had to be had before the wedding. She took a deep breath and decided to just start, praying that Olivia didn't take her words the wrong way. "I, um…you know how I've been having more nightmares these last few weeks?"

Olivia was glad that Alex had finally decided to talk. "Yeah, honey. I know they've been getting pretty bad lately." She frowned when Alex didn't immediately continue what she had started. "But no matter how bad they may get, I'm still here. I'm not leaving you, Alex. I'm not –"

"They've been about you leaving," she interrupted quickly. "They've been him raping me again, and then you walking in and leaving after you've seen just how ugly he made me."

"Oh, honey," Olivia said, her voice full of the pain she felt as the words came out of Alex's mouth. She let a few silent sobs escape before resting her forehead against Alex's. "I'm never, _ever_ going to leave you. And he didn't make you ugly." She smiled lovingly through her tears and gently caressed Alex's face. "That's just not possible. You're so beautiful, Alex. You're so beautiful."

"They just feel so real," Alex said, staring blankly off into space.

Olivia didn't know what to say, so she pulled Alex a little closer and softly traced her knuckles while squeezing her hands gently. She felt so inadequate during times like these. Alex was hurting so much and there was nothing she could do to help her. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Olivia felt Alex slowly beginning to breathe a little more normally – she was finally really calming down. "Can I do anything else?" she asked quietly.

"I don't think so," Alex answered. "I'm actually feeling a lot better now." She smiled and looked up at Olivia. "Thanks for coming over and picking me up. I think I really needed to see you. You and Casey were so busy, so I'm really glad you were willing –"

"Stop right there," Olivia said, shaking her head and squeezing Alex' firmly. "I wasn't _willing_ to come; I _wanted_ to come. The wedding details aren't important. Your well being is important." She gently stroked Alex's face and tried to study her eyes, but couldn't get anything from them. "If this is too much, Alex; if you need to wait a little longer…just tell me. We don't _have_ to get married on Saturday."

Alex furrowed her eyebrows and quickly shook her head. "Liv, everything's already booked and paid for! We can't cancel this soon before the wedding! Do you know how much they would charge us? Plus, if we canceled we'd have to pay for everything all over again and –"

"And nothing," Olivia said. "Don't worry about the money, Alex. We'll figure it out. Right now, I need to know that you're ready. I need you to look me in the eyes and tell me the truth. Do you need more time?"

Alex hesitated. She was too afraid to look Olivia in the eyes right now. How was she supposed to answer that question when she wasn't even sure of the answer herself? She needed more time to think about whether or not she needed more time. Time, however, was running out. She looked down to her lap and closed her eyes. "Would you…would you be upset if I…if I said maybe I…wasn't ready yet?"

Olivia gently tipped Alex's head back up so they were looking at each other. She hated it when Alex bowed her head in shame. She wished Alex thought more of herself and understood that shame was not at all part of their relationship. "I'd be a little disappointed, yes," she admitted honestly. "But I wouldn't be upset with you. I don't want you doing this if you're not ready. Can you look me in the eye and tell me how you really feel? I need to know so I know whether or not to start making calls and canceling everything.

"Would you hate me forever?"

"What? Of course not!"

"Because that would be understandable, Liv! After all this planning you've done and all the money you've spent…for me to back out now would be so unfair to you!"

"And expecting you to marry me when you're not ready would be unfair to you."

Alex sighed and rubbed her fingers through her hair. "What would we do if we canceled everything?"

"We'd go back to New York and live our lives like we've done for the past two years. Nobody would hate you, I promise. Jess would probably thank you because it would mean she'd get to come and vacation in Massachusetts twice," Olivia added with a smile. She was glad when she saw Alex's lips curl upwards slightly. "I'd do everything in my power – no matter what it meant – to help you get ready."

"You'd stay with me?"

"Of course I'd stay with you," Olivia said softly, yet firmly. "You have my heart, Alex. I love you with every ounce of my heart and soul. I will stay with you always, no matter what."

Alex closed her eyes and tried to allow Olivia's words to sink in. She looked up and met Olivia's loving eyes and could see nothing in them that indicated that the woman was lying. "Okay," she said several minutes later. "I'm ready now."

"You're sure?"

"One hundred percent. I think I just needed to have this talk."

Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex and pulled her close. "You can always come and talk to me – about anything, Alex. I mean it. _Anything._ I'll still be here afterwards, I promise."

Alex snuggled closer to Olivia and closed her eyes, trying to control the million thoughts that were running through her head. A good fifteen minutes passed before she felt comfortable enough to speak again. "Hey, Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"There's something else I need to talk to you about, but it's kind of big. Elizabeth's been encouraging me to talk to you before the wedding, but I kept putting it off because I'm terrified of bringing it up. I need to get it out though. It's just…it's going to take some time and the wedding's in three days. All the things that have to get done…"

"That's why we have bridesmaids," Olivia said, smiling and kissing the back of Alex's head. She was a little afraid of whatever it was that Alex needed to talk about – she could tell just by looking into Alex's eyes that the woman was terrified. Still, whatever it was, it needed to be said, and Olivia was sure that it wasn't going to change anything about the relationship.

Alex tilted her head upwards and narrowed her eyes in confusion. "You're willing to let Jess and Casey do everything just so you can sit in this hotel room and listen to me talk?"

Olivia smiled. "They know exactly what we want it to look like," she said simply. "And they know what to do. They can cover it, it's okay. I want you to talk about this…whatever it is…if you need to. Get it out before we get married, if that's what you need."

"I just…" Alex said, her voice drifting off. "I'm scared you'll feel differently about me once you hear what I have to say."

"That's not possible."

Alex looked up and sighed. She saw something in Olivia's eyes as she did so, and it concerned her. "Liv, before I start, I just…I keep coming to you and telling you what's bothering me. You are so unbelievably good at making me feel so much better, but you don't really talk much. You don't come to me very often when things are bothering you."

Olivia looked away briefly and tried to put on a brave face. "I want to be strong for you. I love you so much. I want to prove that to you. I want to show you that I'll help carry you through anything."

Alex sat up and stared Olivia in the eyes. "That better be allowed to go both ways, Olivia. I want you to come to me when you're feeling down so that I can help carry you through it." Her voice cracked as she watched Olivia's face crumbling. She sat up straighter and narrowed her eyes. "There's something you're not telling me, isn't there? There's something you've been needing to talk about."

Olivia nodded, no longer able to keep the brave face on. "Yeah," she said softly.

Alex leaned her forehead against Olivia's and pulled her into a tight hug. "Then talk to me. _Talk to me_, Olivia. I want to help you through your dark days just like you always help me through mine. I want to prove to you how much I love you just like you always prove your love to me." She paused and leaned back so she could look Olivia in the eyes again. "Please, Liv. Please talk to me."

Olivia allowed a slight sob to escape as she nodded again. "Okay," she whispered. She rubbed away her tears and looked up. "How about we plan on making tomorrow a good long talking day? We'll both just get out everything we get out, no questions asked, no judgments made. How does that sound?"

Alex smiled and pulled Olivia close again. "That sounds great."

"I won't judge you."

"And I won't judge you. I love you, Olivia."

"I know you do. I love you, too."

Alex leaned back onto the pillow and smiled as Olivia's head rested on her chest. "We'll talk tomorrow?"

"Yeah. We'll talk tomorrow."

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Okay that was a long one. I was actually planning on making their talk part of this chapter, until I looked down and realized I was almost at the end of page 12. Yikes. I'll put it in the next chapter :)

Enjoy!


	48. Talking

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

Sheesh it's been forever since I've updated. Sorry. Blame my Advertising professor. He assigned two huge projects at the same friggen time. I have those two projects, an editing and design project (basically have to design 3 pages of a newspaper), a paper on Checkhov, a Photoshop project, and a sign language power point presentation all due within the next two weeks. I really shouldn't be working on this right now…

Since I have an odd, twisted mind, this chapter is going to be a little different than the others. It's entirely Alex and Olivia's conversation. It gets a wee bit graphic in certain parts, so I apologize for that. I just wanted to have it make sense. I don't have it broken up into sections like I do my other chapters. Please, please, please let me know if this is too long/difficult to read and I can break it up in places. I know a few spots I can put breaks in if I need to.

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"So I guess it's time we got some things off our chests," Olivia said softly, caressing Alex's hands. They were sitting on the couch, snuggled close together. She nestled her chin against Alex's shoulder. "We have all day today, and all day tomorrow, Alex."

Alex smiled and leaned her head against Olivia's. "I'm so comfortable right now," she said softly. "Can't we just sit like this all day?"

Olivia laughed lightly and squeezed Alex's hands. "As much as I would love to do that, I don't think it's a very good idea."

"Why not?"

"Because we've both got some things that we need to talk about." She kissed the top of Alex's head and pulled her a little closer. "Today, we talk – no worries or judgments allowed. Today we just talk."

Alex frowned. "Yeah, easier said than done."

"Hey," Olivia whispered. She couldn't be sure, but she thought she felt Alex growing more and more tense as each second passed. Whatever was bothering Alex had to be pretty big for her to be this upset. She pulled Alex's hair back into a ponytail and kissed her neck. "I love you," she whispered. She felt Alex trying to fight the tears that she knew were threatening to fall. "You are my everything. I'm right here, honey. I'm right here."

Alex sniffled and wiped away her tears. "This is so hard."

_Now we're getting somewhere_, Olivia thought to herself. "Is there anything I can do to make it easier?"

"Hold me," Alex said, her voice trembling and showing the pain she was feeling.

Olivia smiled warmly as Alex rested her head against her shoulder. She wrapped her arms gently around Alex and held her tight. "I will hold you forever if you want me to."

"I just couldn't figure it out," Alex said several minutes later.

Olivia furrowed her eyebrows. "Figure what out?"

"How you could possibly love me."

Olivia's eyes widened as she leaned her head forward closer to Alex's. She knew Alex had been reluctant to believe that she was loved for quite some time now, but she didn't know it was this bad. She also suspected that this was only the entrance into what Alex really needed to say. "You're impossible not to love," she whispered softly into Alex's ear. She squeezed Alex's hands and kissed her cheek. "I don't want you thinking anything otherwise, okay? I know you've been worried about your scars and how that affects how I feel about you, but your scars do _not_ make me any less attracted to you, honey. I love you so much. Your scars are not ugly. They're not disgusting. They don't make you any less desirable. They –"

"I feel so stupid," she said suddenly.

"Honey, no," Olivia said.

"I should just be able to get over it and be fine right now but I'm not."

Olivia swallowed and shook her head. "Alex, honey –"

"It's true, Olivia," Alex said, her teeth clenched. She pulled out of Olivia's grasp and sat up straight on the couch. Taking several deep breaths, she quickly pushed Olivia's hands away, needing to be left alone for the moment. "There are so many times when you want to make love to me and I just end up pushing your hands away because I can't do it as often as I know you want to. I just…I feel like you deserve so much more than what I can give you."

Olivia could tell that Alex didn't want to be touched right now, so instead she just tilted her head slightly so she could try to look into Alex's eyes. "Alex, listen to me," she said firmly. "I love you. I'm glad that you feel comfortable telling me when you're not able to make love with me because it shows how much you trust that I won't leave you afterwards. I want you to tell me when you're not able to do it, Alex. I want to know so I can stop before I hurt you." Sensing Alex slowly relaxing, she felt comfortable reaching over and squeezing her hand. "The last thing I want to do is hurt you. Please, keep telling me when you need me to stop."

"I don't say it enough," Alex said softly and quickly as she looked away from Olivia's eyes.

"Oh, God," Olivia said slowly. She felt like everything around her suddenly came crashing down as Alex uttered those words. She felt like she couldn't breathe. Her chest tightened and her chin began to tremble. She had to take several slow, deep breaths just to keep from hyperventilating. Her eyes widened as Alex very slowly and hesitantly turned to face her. "Oh, God, Alex," she said again, barely able to catch enough breath to say those words. "I've been hurting you this whole time?"

"Not all the time," Alex answered, swallowing hard and taking a deep breath. She managed a small but sincere smile as she finally looked into Olivia's eyes. She took Olivia's hands and squeezed them gently. "You make me feel loved. When I feel your hands on me, I feel like there really is someone in this world who desires me." She smiled a little more and sniffled. "Your touch is so gentle and loving and I sometimes feel like I can't get enough of it. My whole life, I've been afraid of someone touching me the way you touch me because I was so sure they would hurt me and I'd feel disgusting afterwards. It's different with you. When I'm with you, I know it's a good touch. I know it's a loving touch. You taught me how to love and crave touch, Olivia. You taught me how to trust people and allow them to get close to me."

Olivia felt her face crumbling as she listened to Alex praise her. "But I hurt you, too."

"No," Alex said firmly. "You didn't hurt me. He hurt me. It's just that sometimes, certain things make me remember what he did. Certain things just…bring back memories and feelings of that day."

"Then we'll stop," Olivia said quickly.

Alex smiled gratefully and shook her head. "Liv, I can't ask you to stop making love to me just because I get weird flashbacks sometimes."

"Of course you can," Olivia said immediately. "I don't want to hurt you, Alex. If there is _anything_ I can do to prevent you from hurting, then I'll do it. We can take a break from making love. We can only do things you're comfortable doing. I don't care. I just want you to feel safe."

"There's only one thing," Alex said hesitantly. "Okay, maybe two. I just…I absolutely love making love to you, Liv. I love the look on your face when we both…you know…together," she said softly, blushing as she couldn't bring herself to say the words.

Olivia smiled lovingly. "Tell me," she said gently. "Tell me what you need so I can give it to you. I don't care what it is, just tell me." She frowned as Alex looked away and tried not to cry. "No judgments, remember? That was my promise and I'm sticking to it. No judgments. Whatever you need, Alex. Whatever you need."

Alex took a deep breath and unconsciously grabbed Olivia's hand. She wasn't even aware that she'd done it until she felt Olivia give her a comforting squeeze. She swallowed and closed her eyes. "Can you maybe – maybe just for a little while – can you not…can you keep your head up with mine?"

"No more oral sex?" Olivia asked softly, making sure she understood exactly what Alex was trying to say. When Alex nodded and hung her head in shame, Olivia gently nudged her shoulder. "Done," she whispered.

"Just like that?" Alex asked, her eyes widening in surprise as she brought her head back up. "You're willing to stop just like that?"

"Absolutely," Olivia said. She still felt like curling into a tight ball and screaming for having hurt Alex, but she fought her emotions and tried to stay strong enough to get through the conversation. It was amazing that Alex was opening up to her like this, and she wanted to make sure she stayed strong enough to allow her to continue doing so.

"That was the worst part," Alex said a few moments later. "When his tongue was in me, he made me say all these horrible things about myself. I had to say them over and over and over again. He'd hit me or punch me or something if I wasn't saying them loudly enough." She sniffled and wiped away a few tears as she laughed angrily. "I thought I could force myself to be normal. I thought if I let you do that to me enough, I'd learn to enjoy it, but I can't. I…I just can't enjoy it. I'm sorry."

Olivia pulled Alex into a tight hug and finally allowed a few tears to fall down her cheeks as Alex began crying. "Don't you dare apologize," she said firmly. "I'm the one who should apologize. I'm so sorry I never realized this before, Alex. I'm so sorry I forced you to go through that. I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault," Alex said through her tears. "I'm the one who let you do it and never said anything."

"I should have seen how much it was hurting you."

Alex shook her head and pulled out of the hug, wiping her tears and smiling as she saw Olivia doing the same. Seeing her cry like this only made her love Olivia even more. "I was in a few relationships before you, Liv. I learned how to fake things really quickly. The quicker I could fake it, the quicker it would be over."

"No more pretending," Olivia said softly. "Because from now on, I'll keep my head up with yours. I'll shower you with kisses and whisper sweet nothings into your ear the entire time. Does that sound okay?"

Alex nodded slowly. "There's one other thing though."

"Anything," Olivia told her.

Alex nodded and took a deep breath. She had felt a huge sense of relief when she realized how understanding Olivia was about all of this. She hadn't expected Olivia to start crying and feeling guilty after she'd told her about her problems with having oral sex. It was surprising yet at the same time helpful. It showed how much she was loved. She took another slow, deep breath and looked up. "I need a warning," she said softly, her voice barely above a whisper.

"A warning?" Olivia asked, not understanding Alex's request.

"Before your fingers…before you…" she laughed and shook her head. "Before you start fingering me, I need a warning. I don't care what it is. You can tell me what you're about to do, or we can agree on a certain touch – a squeeze of the hand or a kiss on the cheek or something. I don't care what it is. I just… I need a warning before you enter me." She looked up, her eyes pleading for acceptance. "Is that okay?"

Olivia felt like she was about to throw up. She put her hand over her chest and took several slow, deep breaths, trying to force the bile back down. She couldn't believe that she'd been hurting Alex for nearly two years without even realizing it. "Of course that's okay," she answered, her teeth clenched together and she felt more tears sliding down her cheeks. She brushed the hair out of Alex's face and bit her lower lip. "I feel so horrible about hurting you."

"You didn't hurt me," Alex said, trying to assuage Olivia's guilt. "I've always known it was you." She smiled lovingly and kissed Olivia lightly. "You have never once made me have a flashback. You are the best friend, and the absolute best lover I've ever had. I always feel safe when I'm with you. These are just some things I need to make our love making more enjoyable for me." She laughed and shook her head. "Don't get me wrong. I enjoy it a lot. I just sometimes spend so much time concentrating on the fact that it's you and not him who's with me that I don't get to enjoy it as much as I want to. Elizabeth made some suggestions and we talked about it and this is what we came up with to help me enjoy it and feel safe."

"Then we'll do it," Olivia said simply, combing her fingers through Alex's hair.

"You're okay with it?"

"Of course I'm okay with it. I want to do everything and anything I can to make you feel safe and loved." She looked down at Alex and smiled. "And I definitely want to do everything I can to help you enjoy every second of our love making."

Alex sighed happily and leaned her head on Olivia's shoulder. "Thank you," she whispered. "You made that really easy for me."

"Thanks for talking to me about it. I want you to feel like you can come to me when something's bothering or hurting you. I want you to feel safe and loved here, Alex. You make me feel that way, and I want to do the same for you."

"You do," Alex said happily. "You do." Several minutes passed and she wished she could just stay wrapped up in Olivia's arms forever. She hated that what she was about to tell Olivia was probably going to hurt and offend her, but she needed to say it. She just needed to make sure she chose the right words. "Hey, Liv?"

"Yeah, honey?"

"There's something else I need to tell you."

Olivia looked down and smiled lovingly. "You can tell me anything."

Alex sat up and pulled away, her guilt growing as she saw the confused look on Olivia's face. This definitely wasn't going to be easy, so she decided to just start and pray that everything turned out okay. "From the moment I first really showed you what I look like until the day you told me you had breast cancer, I prayed every single night. I prayed – I prayed…" her voice trailed off as she fought the tears. She took a deep breath and forced it out. "I prayed for something to happen so you would have scars and when we found out you needed the double mastectomy I felt a slight sense of relief."

"You _what_?" Olivia asked furiously as she pulled away from Alex. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. "You wanted me to get breast cancer? You wanted me to look like this? You wanted me to suffer and be ugly for the rest of my life?"

"Olivia, no!" Alex said desperately, her teeth chattering she was so upset and trying not to cry. "You're not ugly. You're so beautiful. I never prayed for you to get breast cancer and I certainly never prayed for you to get a mastectomy."

"Then what did you mean when you said –"

"I just wanted you to fall off your bike or something," Alex said quickly. "I wanted something simple and not serious to happen so that you'd have a scar and you wouldn't be so damn perfect."

"Perfect?"

Alex's face crumbled as the tears flowed more heavily. "I felt so ugly lying next to your beautiful body. Your beauty was flawless and I thought that maybe if you had something – _anything_ – to mar that flawlessness then I could understand how you could find me attractive." She looked down and cried harder as she brought her knees up to her chest. "I never wanted you to have to go through the mastectomy. I wanted you to get it so you could live, but I wished the cancer never happened because I hated to see you suffering so much."

"So when you said you felt a slight sense of relief –"

"I absolutely hated feeling it, but yeah. I felt it because I knew that after the surgery, you wouldn't be perfect. Then I could understand how you could love me." She looked up and sniffled. "I'm so sorry, Liv. I prayed for something to simple happen and it ended up being huge. I just wanted to understand how you could love me. I knew that if you had a scar, I'd still love you, but I think I just…I don't know, I needed you to actually have one for it to really sink in. I'm so sorry."

Olivia was slightly taken aback by Alex's words. She tried to suppress her anger, but she was finding it difficult to do so. She couldn't believe what Alex had just told her. "You actually wanted something bad to happen to me?" she asked incredulously. "You actually wanted me to suffer?"

Alex shook her head fervently and tried to find the right words. "Not huge, Liv. Like I said, I wanted you to fall off your bike or something and have to get a few stitches in your knee or something. I never wanted something really bad to happen. I just wanted you to not look so perfect. I felt so ugly next to you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Olivia closed her eyes and tried to focus on her breathing. She tried to focus on all that Alex had done for her during their relationship. She tried to understand what Alex was saying, and after a few minutes, she felt like she finally felt like she did. "Well, you got your wish," she said, her voice sounding more angry than she'd meant for it to.

"I'd take it back in a heartbeat if I could," Alex said quickly. "I'd take back all my praying and wishing in a heartbeat if I could erase what you went through. I never wanted you to suffer like that, Liv. I never wanted you to hurt that much. Please believe me when I say that. I never, _ever_ prayed for it to be anything bigger than you falling off your bike. I always prayed for you to never have to suffer through something big."

Olivia cocked her head and furrowed her eyebrows. "You prayed for that?"

Alex smiled. "Of course I did." She looked up and licked her lips nervously. "Every night before I went to bed, I said the same prayer. I said, 'Please let Olivia fall off her bike or something like that so she'll have a small scar. I think that way I'll understand her love for me a little better. But please, please, please don't make her suffer through anything else. Her life's already been hard enough. She doesn't deserve any more pain. Please let the rest of her life be full of happiness and good times, thank you an amen.'"

"That was your prayer?"

Alex blushed, embarrassed. "Yeah."

"And you said it every night?"

"I did. I feel so stupid."

"Come here."

"What?"

Olivia smiled and opened her arms. "I want to hug you."

Alex furrowed her eyebrows and leaned back hesitantly. "You're not mad at me?"

Olivia sighed. "I think I'm a little upset that you prayed for something bad to happen to me, but I can understand what you were doing and why you were doing it. I know you didn't mean me any harm by it. Just promise me something?"

"Anything."

"Don't pray for any more bad stuff to happen to me."

Alex laughed slightly and leaned into Olivia. "I promise."

"Good," Olivia said, pulling Alex close. She gently rubbed Alex's back for the next several minutes, glancing at the clock and blinking in surprise when she realized they'd been talking for more than four hours straight. "Hey Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I talk to you about something?"

Alex smiled. "You can talk to me about anything."

Olivia nodded and sighed. "I know that I've let you see me naked several times since my surgery," she started nervously. "But I haven't let you touch my scars yet. I cannot thank you enough for being patient with me. You're an amazing woman, Alex. You're making this really easy for me."

Alex cupped Olivia's face and looked into her eyes. "Do you remember how patient you were with me after I told you everything? I made you wait months before I showed you what I look like, I made you wait weeks after that to let you touch me, and I made you wait weeks after that to allow you to make love to me. Of course I'm patient with you. Why on earth would I be anything else? I love you, Olivia. I'll wait forever if that's what it takes."

"I know you will," Olivia said softly, fighting her tears once again. "And I love you for that. I just…I'm still working on feeling secure with my new body. I still have days when I feel like so much less of a woman because I don't have breasts." She smiled and held up her hand, knowing that Alex was about to interrupt. "I know you don't feel that way, but it's a feeling I'm still trying to work on. I have good days and bad days, like everybody else. There was one day at the park not too long ago, I saw you looking longingly at a woman who had really big breasts and I thought for a few seconds that you'd probably be happier with her than with me."

"What?" Alex asked, completely confused and trying her best to remember the incident Olivia was describing. A few moments later, she remembered the woman in the park. "Liv, you misunderstood. I wasn't looking longingly at her. I was looking at her, wishing you still had your breasts because you'd feel more confident then. You'd had a lousy day and were feeling bad about how you looked. I saw her and wished you still looked like that so you'd feel better. I never once thought about being with her."

"I know," Olivia said quietly. "I didn't really know it at the time, but I know now. I just…when we're making love, I'm afraid to let you touch me because seeing my scars is one thing. Seeing my scars is completely different than actually feeling them and I've been so scared that once you actually know what they feel like that you'll be disgusted and leave me."

"Oh, Liv," Alex said softly, leaning over and pulling a now sobbing Olivia as close as she possibly could. "I will never, _ever_ leave you, and I will never be disgusted by your scars. You are so incredibly beautiful and amazing and I love you so much. I love you, Olivia. I love you, I love you, I love you. I'll say it a million times over if you need me to. I feel like I don't say those words enough. You are my absolute everything and I am so happy that we're spending the rest of our lives together."

Olivia swallowed and pulled herself out of Alex's arms. "I think I'm ready," she said softly, feeling a sudden burst of confidence race through her as she listened to Alex's words. "I think I'm ready to let you touch me again."

"Are you sure?" Alex asked hesitantly. "I don't want you to rush anything, Liv. I want you to take your time with this and make sure you're ready before –"

"I'm sure," Olivia interrupted quickly. "The fact that you're sitting here wanting to make sure I'm ready only makes me more ready. That being said, yes, I'm ready." She slowly pulled her shirt over her head and closed her eyes, silently praying for everything to work out the right way.

Alex smiled warmly as she very slowly moved her hand towards Olivia's chest and gently traced one of her scars with her fingers. She felt Olivia inhale sharply at the touch and her smile grew more loving. "You're beautiful," she whispered, feeling relief as Olivia slowly opened her eyes. "You're absolutely gorgeous," she said, tracing Olivia's scars with her fingers. She slowly leaned forward and traced her tongue over each scar and kissed both of them lovingly. Olivia had done that to her several times before, and it had felt amazingly relieving. It proved just how much Olivia loved her and cared about her. It proved how much Olivia still found her beautiful. She wanted to do the same for Olivia now. "I love you," she whispered, sitting up and kissing Olivia's lips lightly. "I love you so much."

Olivia felt her brave façade crumbling as she burst into tears of relief and collapsed into Alex's arms. She was crying too hard to even try to thank Alex for what she'd just done, but she prayed that Alex understood. Feeling Alex's tongue and lips on her scars had been all the proof that she needed that Alex still loved her and wanted her. It was exactly the kind of touch she needed, and now, with Alex's arms wrapped tightly around her, she knew that everything was going to be okay.

"Thank you," Alex whispered after Olivia had cried for nearly twenty minutes. She'd finally cried until her eyes were dry, and Alex was glad to see her finally break like that. Yes she'd seen Olivia cry before, but this time it looked like she'd really let herself go and just allowed herself to expel everything she needed to expel.

"For what?"

"Listening to me," Alex said softly, tracing Olivia's knuckles. "And for letting me touch your scars. I'm glad you trusted me with that."

Olivia smiled. "I wanted to let you touch me before the wedding. Thanks for being so gentle with me."

Alex shook her head. "You're the one who's always gentle with me."

Olivia sighed happily. "I'm glad we talked today," she said happily. "I'm glad we got all this stuff off our chests. It feels really good to talk to you like I did today. I think I'm going to have to let myself do that more often."

"I'm just glad we had this opportunity."

"Me, too."

They sat like that for nearly half an hour before Olivia's stomach began growling. They both laughed and sat up. "Maybe we should just order room service," Alex suggested. "I'm exhausted and really don't feel like going anywhere right now. I'd much rather just spend the rest of today with our arms wrapped around each other."

Olivia smiled. "Then we'll order room service and wrap our arms around each other. Chinese sound okay?"

"Chinese sounds great."

Olivia picked up the phone and ordered the food as quickly as she could, then leaned back against Alex and smiled as they wrapped their arms around each other. "I love you, Alex."

Alex smiled as she and Olivia nuzzled noses. "And I love you, Olivia."

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So yeah…tell me if it's too long and needs section breaks. I can put some in.


	49. Until Death Do Us Part

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

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"So are you ready for your big day?" Jess asked excitedly as she and Alex pulled into the parking lot of the local beauty salon. Alex was getting her hair and nails done for the wedding. Jess had decided not to go for either, opting to do her own hair and nails instead. Besides, long, fake nails would make it difficult to take care of the twins. "I can't wait to see you two get married!"

Alex smiled and climbed out of the car. "I'm so excited," she exclaimed happily. "Liv and I had a really deep, intense talk two days ago, and we spent all day yesterday just holding each other. I feel like I'm finally really ready to believe that this is all really happening and that it's not some wonderful, amazing dream."

"Good," Jess said firmly as she and Alex made their way towards the salon. She couldn't help but smile proudly at Alex's newly found confidence. It was nice to see the woman finally accepting and believing that she was loved. "You two are absolutely perfect for each other," she whispered, gently squeezing Alex's hand. "Not many people get to experience the kind of love you two have."

Alex paused momentarily and closed her eyes. "I know we do," she whispered, smiling slightly and opening the door. She sighed and met Jess' eyes. "I feel like the luckiest woman in the world right now."

Jess laughed and followed Alex into the beauty salon. "Good," she said happily, closing the door behind her. "You should feel like the happiest woman in the world. It is your wedding day after all."

"Yes it is," Alex said happily. She followed the hairdresser to one of the stations and took a seat. _Yes it is_, she added silently to herself. She looked up at the hairdresser and smiled. Her hair was now just past her shoulders, and she was happy that it was long enough to experiment with. "Just surprise me," she said bravely. "I'm getting married. Make it look good."

"You already look good," the woman said, smiling warmly at Alex. "But I'll make you look even better."

Alex inhaled deeply and slowly let it out. "That sounds wonderful."

Jess smiled as she watched the two women talking at the station. Alex looked so confident and excited. She couldn't help but watch as the woman played with Alex's hair. She loved watching as Alex tried to mentally prepare herself for the day. Jess could tell that she was getting more and more excited as each minute passed. After nearly an hour, Alex stepped out of the chair and looked at herself in the mirror. Jess grinned and ran over to her. "You look amazing," she said, smiling as she watched Alex admire herself.

For a moment, Alex was speechless. Her hair was pulled up in several clips, with only a few strands hanging down along the front sides of her face. She couldn't remember a time when she loved her hair this much. "Wow," she said breathily, smiling at the hairdresser. "You're good."

"Not really," the hairdresser said modestly, cleaning up the work station. "You just have beautiful hair."

Alex blushed and looked away. "Thank you," she said softly. "How much do I owe you?"

The hairdresser keyed in everything into the register and smiled. "Your total's going to be $123.67," she said, then looked up and smiled flirtatiously. "But I can knock it down to $100 if you let me take you out for a drink."

Alex and Jess laughed and exchanged surprised looks. "I, um, I'm actually getting married today," Alex said, slightly embarrassed that someone was actually hitting on her. "But thank you for the invitation."

"Well, we could go out for a drink anyway. Nobody would have to know about it."

"I'd know," Jess said quickly, trying to get the woman to stop flirting with Alex. "Besides, we're _really_ busy right now."

The hairdresser smiled. "I could take you out for a drink and help you forget all about how busy you are. Come on, what do you say? It would be my treat. I'd love to take a lovely lady out –"

"Honey, we really are extremely busy," Jess said, playfully caressing Alex's arm. It was obvious that this woman was not going to take no for an answer. "We've got a lot to do before tonight and we need to hurry." She smiled politely at the woman behind the counter. "Thanks for making my girl look so beautiful," she said, then laced her arm in with Alex's and walked with her out of the store.

Alex laughed as she and Jess climbed into the car. "Oh my God I can't believe that woman was flirting with me!" she exclaimed as Jess started the car. She put her hands over her mouth and looked at Jess. "She asked me out!"

"Of course she did," Jess said, pulling out of the parking space. "You're hot."

Alex adjusted the sun visor and opened the mirror. She smiled as she moved her head around so she could see all of it. "She really did do a good job. I don't think I've ever felt this beautiful before."

"Just wait until we get you in your wedding dress," Jess said as she pulled out onto the highway. They were headed towards their hotel so they could get dressed. "You're going to look absolutely amazing."

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"So are you going to get your hair done or are you just going to fluff it up a bit?" Casey asked as Olivia nervously shoved her salad into her mouth. She smiled as Olivia pushed the hair out of her face. It was now just touching her shoulders – the length she usually kept it. It was a relief to see that Olivia's hair was growing back quickly. Casey knew how upset Olivia would be if she had to wear a wig for the wedding.

Olivia put her fork down and took a sip of her water. "I think it's a little too late to go get my hair done," she said softly. She smiled and looked up at Casey. "But that's fine with me. I don't think I want to spend any more money anyway. Besides, I want Alex to feel like a princess. She's the one who's getting all prettied up for this."

Casey smiled warmly. "This is your wedding, too, Liv. You should get as prettied up as you want."

"I know," Olivia answered softly. "I just don't do the whole prettied up thing very well." She smiled and shook her head. "I'm just excited about getting married. I don't really care how I look. I just want to get married."

Casey laughed. "You do the prettied up thing pretty damn well when you want to, Liv," she said. "You're a beautiful woman, and you'd better do what you can to look your best today. You know how many pictures Jess is going to take."

"You're probably right," Olivia said, sighing and looking into the mirror. Her hair really was getting longer. She pushed a few strands behind her ears and smiled. "At least I won't be bald."

"You look great," Casey said softly. She smiled and playfully ruffled Olivia's hair. "Maybe just put some gel in it and style it nicely. Do something with it. You at least have to play with it a little."

"Okay," Olivia whispered gratefully. She turned around and smiled at Casey. "Thanks for being my maid of honor," she said, looking into Casey's eyes. She smiled warmly and took Casey's hands in her own. "I'm really lucky to have you as a friend, Case. I feel like I don't say that enough, but it's true. You're an amazing, exceptional woman, Casey."

Casey blushed and wrapped her arm around Olivia's shoulders. "Well I think you're pretty exceptional yourself. I'm happy for ya, Liv. You and Alex are so perfect for each other."

"She's my other half," Olivia said, only half aware that she'd said it aloud. "I love her more than I've ever loved anybody else; more than I thought I could possible love another person."

"And she loves you just as much," Casey said.

Olivia nodded, following Casey out to the kitchen and pulling out a bottle of water. "I think I'm finally really seeing that. I think it's all finally starting to sink in."

"Well it's about damn time."

"I know. I've been hiding from it for a while."

"At least you're not hiding anymore. It's good to see you this happy."

Olivia smiled and took a large sip of water. "It feels good to be this happy. It feels really good." She shook her head and looked out the window. "I can't believe I'm actually getting married in five hours."

Casey chuckled lightly and tugged on Olivia's hair. "Go sit down in one of the chairs over by the table. I think I'm going to straighten your hair and give it a bit of bounce."

"Alex loves it when I wear my hair like that."

"I know she does," Casey said. "That's why we're doing it. Besides, I know that deep down, you like it, too."

"Yeah, I like it, too," Olivia admitted.

"Then it's settled," Casey replied, starting to brush Olivia's hair. "You're going to look beautiful for your wedding day."

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"How does my hair look?" Alex asked nervously as she paced back and forth in the dressing room. "Do I look okay? Is my dress on right? Oh, God, I can't go out there if my hair's not okay!"

Jess laughed softly and gently placed her hands on Alex's shoulders. "Honey, relax. You look beautiful." She wiped away a tear and smiled warmly. "You look beautiful, Alex. Olivia's not going to know what to say when she sees you."

"I'm actually doing this," Alex said breathily as she looked at herself in the mirror. "I'm actually getting married today." She turned to look at Jess. "I can't believe _I'm_ getting married!"

"Of course you are," Jess said firmly. "You're getting married to a wonderful, beautiful woman who loves you to pieces. You look beautiful, Alex. Today is going to be the best and happiest day of your life."

"Second best and happiest," Alex said, grinning slightly.

Jess raised her eyebrows. "Second, huh? What's the first then?"

Alex took a deep breath and sighed. "After I told Olivia what happened to me, she held me all night. I woke up in her arms after telling her absolutely everything. She still loved me after all of that. That's number one."

Jess smiled and nodded understandingly. "That sounds like a good number one," she said softly. She wrapped her arm around Alex's shoulders and squeezed gently. "I need to head up there and get ready, are you going to be okay until they start playing the music?"

"Yeah," Alex answered, taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly. "I'm good."

"Okay," Jess said, giving her a quick, excited hug. "I'll see you out there in a few minutes." She turned and walked over to the door, smiling warmly as she saw Alex staring at herself in the mirror. "You look beautiful," she said softly. "I'm so happy for you. You deserve this more than anybody else I know."

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"Casey, I'm scared," Olivia said, her teeth chattering from the nerves. She was fervently rubbing her hands together and pacing around the room. "What if…what if she falls out of love with me?" Her eyes widened as she looked up at Casey. "What if she stops loving me because of how I look?" As she asked this question, her eyes wandered down to her chest, and she had to bite her lower lip to keep from crying.

"Olivia Benson, you listen to me," Casey said firmly, lifting Olivia's face so their eyes met. "Alex loves you, honey. She's not going to stop loving you. You had breast cancer and you lost your breasts. It happens, Liv. Just know that it hasn't changed the way Alex feels about you. She still wants to spend the rest of her life with you." She brushed the hair out of Olivia's face and smiled. "She is going to walk down the aisle in a few minutes, and before you know it, the two of you will be well on your way to spending forever together."

Olivia took a deep breath in and nodded. "Okay," she said, breathing out slowly and trying to calm her nerves. She finally managed to smile as she looked up at Casey one last time. "Thank you," she whispered gratefully.

Casey shook her head modestly and walked towards the door. "Let's go on our there and get ready so they can start playing the music and Alex can walk down the aisle."

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Julia, Steve, and Allen were sitting on Alex's side of the aisle while everyone from the squad was sitting on Olivia's. It was probably the smallest wedding any of them had ever been to, but that didn't matter. The number of guests didn't matter to anyone. What mattered was how close everyone was to one another, how much of a family they had all become.

As soon as the music started playing, Olivia looked up and saw Alex walking down the aisle. Her heart was beating so fast she thought it was going to explode right out of her chest. She'd never seen Alex look so happy, so beautiful, in her life. _I'm going to do whatever I can to keep her looking this happy_, she promised to herself as Alex started getting closer.

It wasn't until she was halfway up the aisle that Alex really allowed herself to look up and see Olivia, but when she did, her heart skipped several beats. Everything was perfect. The arbors covered in flowers were amazing, the short little platform that they were standing on to get married was perfect, and being able to see the pond in front of her as she walked down the aisle was the icing on the cake. She smiled as a single tear slid down her cheek. It probably looked pretty pathetic that there were so few people there, and Alex was sure that if any passersby happened to see them, they'd pity them for having so few family and friends. Alex smiled gratefully at everyone that had come. To her, having a small group of incredible close friends – family even – was much better than having a large number of friendly acquaintances. _This is it,_ she thought to herself as she stepped up onto the platform. _I'm finally getting married_!"

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"I, Olivia Benson, choose you, Alexandra Cabot, as my one and only; my everything. I promise to love you, honor you, and care for you for the rest of my life. You are everything I could ever hope for – better than anything I could ever hope for. You are everything that I need, and I know that at this moment, all my prayers have been answered and all my dreams have come true. This is the moment I have waited my whole life for. I promise to give you my all; to do everything that I possibly can to show my love to you. This is my promise to you. I love you now, and I always will. I love you with all my heart."

Alex smiled as the corners of her mouth started trembling. She was trying so hard not to cry. _Just get through your vows,_ she urged herself. She took a deep breath and looked into Olivia's eyes. "Olivia Benson, I love you with all my heart. You are my one and only, my rock, and my inspiration. I feel like it was just yesterday that we started our lives together and allowed our love to begin to bloom. I knew in my heart that we were meant to be together. My love for you will never stop, and I cherish every single second we're together. Nothing can, or ever will, change these feelings deep inside of me. I can't wait to grow old with you in the many, many years to come, until death do us part."

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"That ceremony was absolutely beautiful," Jess said, climbing into bed next to Allen. She snuggled closer to him and rested her head in the crook of his neck. "They both looked so beautiful up there." She smiled as he pulled her closer. "I'm just glad they got to do this today. This country fucking sucks."

Allen chuckled softly and kissed the top of her head. "Yes it does," he whispered. "But at least we're lucky to live close enough to Massachusetts for them to come over here and get married, and then go back to New York where their marriage will at least be legally respected."

"I just hate that they can't be treated and respected the way 'traditional couples' are. It's so obvious how much they love and care about each other, and they're not doing anything wrong –"

"Jess, honey, relax," Allen interrupted softly. He cupped her cheek and kissed her lightly. "Try to focus on the beauty of today. Remember how happy they both looked as they were expressing their vows, how hard they were crying after the ceremony was over. Remember how happy they were today."

"You're right. I shouldn't take away from their day. It's just hard."

He wrapped his other arm around her and gave her a gentle squeeze. "It is hard, but it's all we can do. They deserve this just as much as anybody else. All we can do now is show them how much we love and support them."

"They are perfect together."

"Yes they are," he whispered, closing his eyes. "Just like us."

"Yeah," Jess said softly, slowly falling asleep. "Just like us."

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"So they finally managed to get married," Casey said happily as she took a sip of wine. "That was one hell of a tear – filled ceremony. "I think the last time I cried that much was at our wedding."

Steve nodded and leaned back into the couch, pulling Casey with him. "We had a pretty nice wedding, didn't we?"

"I was so happy walking down that aisle towards you."

"I was happy watching you walk down that aisle towards me. You looked so beautiful."

She smiled up at him and kissed him lightly. "I felt beautiful."

"I'm glad."

She sighed happily as she rested her head on her chest. "Alex and Liv looked beautiful today. They both just looked so…happy. I'm really glad they found each other. I can't think of two women more perfect for each other than the two of them."

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"You looked so beautiful today," Olivia said softly. She and Alex were lying together on the couch in their hotel room. Their plane wasn't leaving for Italy until late morning, so they had decided to spend the night in the honeymoon suite of the hotel. The airfare had been cheaper to leave out of Massachusetts anyway. "I saw you walking down that aisle and my heart skipped about fifty beats."

Alex laughed as she leaned against Olivia and curled close to her. "I saw you as I was walking down that aisle and I thought I was going to pass out. I was so nervous, and you looked so amazing, Liv. You looked so amazing in your dress."

Olivia brushed the hair out of Alex's face and smiled. "I love you so much. Today was so perfect. Everything went according to plan. We got married without anything going wrong, the reception was a lot of fun, everyone had a great time…it was a perfect day."

"It couldn't have been more perfect."

The tank top Alex was wearing was showing a lot of skin, and Olivia loved how sexy she looked. She gently started massaging Alex's shoulders, then leaned forward and began kissing the back of her neck. "You're so beautiful."

Alex's body tensed in reaction to Olivia's touch. It felt so good to have Olivia's hands on her, to feel Olivia's lips touching her neck and upper back. She inhaled sharply as Olivia's hands slowly began moving down her back. It was only then that she reached behind her and pulled Olivia's hands away. "Liv, wait."

"Honey?" Olivia asked as she leaned over and looked worriedly at Alex. "What's wrong?"

"I, um…" her voice trailed off and she closed her eyes. She sniffled and slowly opened them when she felt Olivia gently squeeze her hand. "Would it, uh, would it be okay if we maybe just held each other tonight?" She could feel her entire body shaking as she asked the question. It was so hard for her to not be able to do this with Olivia as often as Olivia wanted to. "I'm sorry, Liv. I hate to ruin tonight for you. I know it's our wedding night and after two people get married they usually –"

"I love holding you," Olivia whispered softly. She stood up and slowly led Alex to the bed. They climbed in and Olivia pulled Alex close. She smiled as she looked into Alex's eyes. "You're not ruining tonight for me," she said. "Is it 'traditional' for a couple to have sex on their wedding night? Yeah, it is." She gently traced Alex's cheek and smiled. "But I don't care about tradition. I care about _you_, and I care about making you happy."

Alex shook her head and bit her lower lip. "But I want to make you happy, too, Liv! I want to make love to you and let you make love to me. I want to make you happy, Olivia."

"You do," Olivia told her. "Alex, you make me the happiest woman in the world. Making you happy makes me happy, and I would kill myself before I ever did anything to hurt you." She smiled warmly and leaned her forehead against Alex's. "Holding you at night, waking up the next morning and seeing you sleeping beside me…Alex, you make me so happy. I love that you let me hold you at night, and I love watching you sleeping peacefully beside me."

"So, you're okay if we…if we don't have sex very often?" Alex asked nervously. She could feel her lower lip trembling, so she bit it, nearly drawing blood. "I'm not saying I don't want to have sex at all. You have no idea how much I get out of our lovemaking. I just, I really need to be in the mood and –"

"I'll hold you tonight," Olivia said, rubbing her fingers over Alex's lips in an attempt to get her to stop apologizing. She kissed Alex softly and smiled. "I'll hold you in my arms, I'll wake up tomorrow morning to see you sleeping peacefully, and I'll be happier than you could possibly imagine."

Alex wiped away a few tears as she curled up close to Olivia. "I love you so much, Olivia. Please believe me when I say that I want to make love to you. I just…my mind starts playing tricks on me sometimes and I start having flashbacks." She sniffled and smiled warmly into Olivia's eyes. "Today was the absolute happiest day of my entire life. I just, I want to lie in your arms and feel you close to me."

"Then we'll do just that," Olivia said, pulling the covers up over them and turning off the light on her nightstand. She gently combed her fingers through Alex's hair with one hand and held Alex's hand with her other. "Can I tell you something?"

Alex looked up and smiled. "You can tell me anything."

"Today was the happiest day of my entire life, too."

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I edited this to make the wedding scene a wee bit bigger. I figured it was way too short for all the build up to it. I still didn't make it that long…just wasn't really sure what else to put in. Hopefully you'll all get to read it soon. I think the reviews are down again…

I know it's been a long time and it's a little bit shorter. Sorry. School's been a bitch lately. I have less than one month left though, so hopefully I'll be able to update a little more regularly once summer comes…


	50. The Coliseum

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

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"Can I just say how incredibly proud of you I am?" Olivia asked flirtatiously as she and Alex spread the blanket out on the sand. They helped each other put up the beach umbrella and laid down in the shade. "You are one hell of an incredible woman, Alex."

Alex blushed and laced her fingers in with Olivia's. "This beach is so beautiful," she said breathily. "I love it here." She rested her head on Olivia's shoulder and sighed happily. It was the first full day of their eight – day honeymoon, and she could already tell that those eight days were going to be the most magical eight days of her life. "And why are you so proud of me today?" she asked playfully as she gently caressed Olivia's thigh.

Olivia moaned in pleasure as she covered Alex's hand with her own. She loved feeling Alex's hands on her bare thighs. "I have a million reasons to be proud of you. Today; however, I'm proud of you because of how quickly you changed into this hot back bathing suit, and how easily you walked out onto this beach." She smiled mischievously and stroked Alex's arm. "And I'm glad we convinced each other to come out here in the first place."

Less than one hour earlier, they had both been standing in their hotel room, wearing their bathing suits and staring at themselves in the mirror. Neither of them wanted to leave the room. They didn't feel comfortable allowing anyone else to see them.

_"I look like a fucking man," Olivia said angrily._

"_What? Olivia you do not!" Alex replied worriedly as she stared at Olivia in shock. "You look like a beautiful, sexy woman."_

_Olivia rolled her eyes. "Yeah. And the only stares that I'm going to get are from people who just want to see some freak of nature – some breastless woman. They'll probably just stare so they can figure out what the fuck I am."_

_Those words actually caused Alex to cringe. To hear Olivia saying things like that pained her. "You don't look anything like a man, Olivia. Anyone who thinks otherwise is fucking blind." She sighed and looked down to her exposed thighs. "Besides, if anyone's going to be staring at a freak, they'll be staring at me."_

"_If they're staring at you, they're staring at your beauty."_

"_Or at my scarred legs."_

"_Or at my breastless chest."_

_Alex sighed. They were going nowhere fast with this conversation. She looked up at Olivia and smiled. "Liv, what are we doing? This is our honeymoon! We should be having fun – not sitting here worrying about what everyone else is going to think when they see us. I mean, really, when are we ever going to see any of these people again?"_

_Olivia rocked her head side to side, thinking about what Alex had just said. "You do have a point," she admitted happily. She smiled and wrapped her arms around Alex's waist. "We could take a nice long walk on the beach, sit under an umbrella and hold each other while sipping martinis or something…" her voice drifted off as she kissed Alex. Seeing Alex in that black bathing suit made her want to have sex right then and there. Still, she remembered Alex's words from two nights earlier, and she wasn't about to pressure Alex into doing something she didn't want to do._

_Their kiss quickly turned more passionate as Alex wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck and leaned in closer to her. "I love you so much," she whispered as she came up for air, then returned to her kiss._

"_I love you, too," Olivia whispered. _

_Alex smiled playfully as she slowly ended their kiss. "Let's go have fun at the beach," she said, eagerly tugging on Olivia's arm. "Fuck what everyone else thinks of us. We deserve to go out there and have a good time."_

"_Okay," Olivia said, inhaling deeply and letting it out slowly. "Let's do it."_

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"Welcome to your first babysitting job, Julia," Jess said eagerly as she ushered Julia, Casey, and Steve into her living room. The truth was that Jess and Allen were watching Julia for the evening so Casey and Steve could for dinner and to a Broadway show. Julia wouldn't have liked the idea of being babysat, so everyone told her that she was babysitting the twins. "Allen and I will be down here in the living room watching a movie. The twins are upstairs in their room. They'll need to be fed and put to bed. They're crawling pretty well now, so you can play with them for a bit to tire them out. How does that sound?"

Julia smiled excitedly as she hurried over to the stairs. "That sounds great. I'll take really good care of them, I promise."

"I know you will," Jess told her. "Why don't you go on upstairs and start playing with them? I'll come up and give you their bottles after I talk to your mom and dad for a minute."

"Okay!" Julia exclaimed as she raced up the stairs and into the twins' room.

"You guys," Steve said softly once Julia had left. "Thank you so much for doing this. I've been wanting to take Casey out to dinner and a show for a really long time." He smiled at Casey as he wrapped his arm around her waist. "This means a lot to me."

Casey smiled lovingly into Steve's eyes for a minute before turning back to Jess and Allen. "It means a lot to _us_," she whispered. "We just didn't know how to get Julia to agree to spend the night here, and we really didn't want to leave her home alone."

"We're more than happy to do it," Allen said.

"Yep," Jess said, smirking and shrugging her shoulders. "Besides, we love spending time with her. She's a good kid."

"Yes she is," Casey said happily, staring up the stairs. "Yes she is."

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"Oh, you are so dead!" Olivia exclaimed as she jumped out of her beach chair and ran after Alex. "I'll teach you to dump a bucket of ice cold ocean water on me when I'm not ready!"

Alex giggled and took off down the beach, Olivia following close behind her. "You can't catch me!" she screamed as she turned around and ran backwards so she could watch Olivia. As soon as she realized how close Olivia was to her, she screamed again and turned back around, running as fast as she could down the beach.

"Gotcha!" Olivia exclaimed when she caught up to Alex. She threw her arms around her, picked her up, and spun her around several times. Momentum quickly got the best of her and they fell to the ground, rolling several times in the sand. Alex was half screaming, half laughing, the entire time. "I told you I'd get you."

She couldn't stop laughing, and she had to spit the sand out of her mouth before she could respond. "You only got me because I let you get me. If I had just kept running instead of turning around, I would have gotten away."

"Oh, really?" Olivia asked, rolling over on top of Alex.

"Um, yeah, really," Alex answered, chuckling as Olivia pushed her onto her back. She shrugged her shoulders and smiled. "You're an old woman, Benson. I could outrun you any day of the week."

"Did you just call me old?"

Alex grinned slyly. "Maybe. What are you going to do about it?"

Olivia smiled and shook her head. "Oh, I don't know. Maybe I'll just have to do…this!" she exclaimed as she began tickling Alex's sides, causing Alex to yelp and laugh uncontrollably.

"Shit!" Alex screamed as she fought in vain to push Olivia's hands away. The fact that she couldn't stop laughing definitely wasn't helping her situation at all. Finally, she managed to wrap her arms around Olivia and forcefully rolled over so Olivia was on the bottom. "Now it appears as though I've got you."

Olivia burst into a fit of childish giggles as Alex began tickling her. "Okay, okay, you win!" she managed to yell between her fits of laughter. "Mercy! You win!" She pushed Alex's hands away and smiled happily. "You got me."

"Good," Alex said, leaning down and kissing her. She brushed the hair out of Olivia's face and leaned her elbows on the sand. "You're an easy catch. I was worried I was going to have to tickle you for a while."

"Nope. I'm a goner once someone starts tickling me."

"So I won, huh?"

"Yeah, you won. Wanna know what your prize is?"

Alex laughed and caressed Olivia's face. "I think I'm lying on her."

"Oh, I'm your prize, am I?" Olivia asked with a smile. She reached up and pushed Alex's hair behind her ears. "You sure you want me to be your prize? We are in Italy after all. I could probably snag you a lifetime supply of fettuccini alfredo."

"Are you kidding?" Alex asked as she sat up, pulling Olivia with her. They stretched their legs out so their feet were just touching the incoming waves. "You're the best prize I could ever get. Why on earth would I choose anything else when I have you?"

Olivia leaned over and rested her head on Alex's shoulder. "Well, I'm still planning on taking you out to a five-star restaurant so you can get some good, authentic alfredo."

"I think I can let you do that."

"You think you can let me do that?"

"Yep. Only if I can take you sightseeing tomorrow."

Olivia sat up and gave Alex a questioning glance. "I thought you said on the plane ride over here that you were pretty indifferent about sightseeing – that you really just wanted to relax on the beach with me."

Alex sighed and shook her head. "That was before you told me how excited you were about seeing as much as you could. I know how much you want to see everything. I want to give that to you. I want to put that smile on your face."

"You put that smile on my face every second you spend with me."

"Well then I want to make it grow even bigger by taking you to as many places as I possibly can."

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"Okay, here are their bottles," Jess said, placing the two bottles on the shelf next to the changing table. "I've already pre-measured everything so when they're ready, just add one section of formula," she paused and held up a plastic container with three sections, "to each bottle, shake it up, and you're good to go."

Julia was sitting on the floor, playing peek-a-boo with the twins. "Is that it?" she asked, keeping her attention on them. "I don't have to warm up their bottles or anything?"

"Nope. They're okay with room temperature." She sat down next to Julia and smiled as she watched her playing with Christopher and Alexa. They all really seemed to be enjoying themselves. "Okay you two, mommy's gonna go downstairs and watch a movie with daddy. Cousin Julia's gonna stay up here and play with you. How does that sound?" Both twins giggled in response to her voice. She smiled and winked at Julia. "Now if you need anything – if they're both screaming to be fed or changed at the same time or anything like that – you just yell for me, okay?"

"I don't want to interrupt your movie," Julia said, shaking her head uncomfortably. "I'll be okay, really."

"I'm sure you will be," Jess assured her. "All I meant was that sometimes two babies at once can be quite overwhelming. Don't be afraid to call for help. Allen and I have to call each other all the time."

"Really?"

"Yep."

Julia sighed and nodded reluctantly. "Okay."

"You'll call me if you need any help?"

"Yeah. I'll call you."

"Excellent," Jess said, smiling and patting Julia's thigh before standing up. "You two be good for your cousin Julia. And you," she said, looking at Julia one last time before heading out the door. "Just have fun with them and holler if you need anything."

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"Steve, thank you so much for taking me out tonight," Casey said, smoothing out her skirt before sitting down. "This place is absolutely beautiful."

"Don't thank me, Case," he said modestly. He bent over and kissed the top of her head as he pushed her chair in. "I'm your husband. I want to spoil you. You deserve to be spoiled. Besides," he added, pausing and taking her hand. "Since Julia's been having a lot more nightmares lately, you've been spending a good deal of time helping her get back to sleep…which means you haven't been getting much yourself."

"Her trial's coming up in a few months. She's so scared."

He gave her hands a gentle squeeze and smiled. "And you're doing a great job helping her feel safe, loved, and cherished." He sighed and met her eyes. "How are _you_ holding up? I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to not be able to help Alex."

"It's hell," she admitted, shaking her head angrily. "Alex has one of the most solid cases I've ever seen against Warren. She's going to put that bastard away for the rest of his life."

"Too bad she can't just blow his head off."

Casey laughed lightly, glad for the slight comic relief. "I think she wants to do just that, but I made her promise not to. There's no way in hell I'm letting my best friend spend the rest of her life in jail for someone who's not worth two seconds of her time."

"Atta girl."

"And hopefully he'll become someone's prison bitch and learn a lesson or two." She slammed her fists into the table loudly, causing many people to stop eating and stare at them. "Sorry," she muttered to Steve. "Alex is having a really hard time with Beth. Nobody can find any solid evidence that proves she sold those girls. All we have now is proof of sloppy paperwork. She lost her job, but that's it. If nobody finds anything soon, Beth's going to get off."

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"So we're spending the day at the Coliseum?" Alex asked excitedly as she packed her small duffel bag. She pulled out one of the travel brochures and opened it up across the bed. We need to get there early because it can get pretty crowded." She smiled at Olivia and folded the brochure. "We'll get lunch at one of the cafés nearby, spend some time walking around the place, and then actually go inside."

Olivia smiled warmly and sat down on the bed to help Alex pack everything they would need for the day. As soon as she tried to put the sunscreen into the bag, however, Alex slapped her hand away. "Ouch! What was that for?"

"I'm doing all the work for the day," Alex told her, batting her eyelashes a little. "You took me to the beach and out to dinner yesterday. _I'm_ taking you to the Coliseum today. Now it's my turn."

"And you're okay with this?"

"With what? Taking my wife…" she caught her breath as she said wife. _My wife_, she thought happily. _My wife_. She took a deep breath and sat down next to Olivia. "I want to take my wife to see the Coliseum because I know how important it is to her." She smiled and shrugged her shoulders. "Besides, I'd kinda like to see it myself."

"Yeah?" Olivia asked, reaching over and nudging her gently.

Alex nodded. "Yeah. It looks like it'll be a lot of fun. That plus I'll be spending the day with you. What more could a girl ask for?"

There was a small black box in the drawer of the nightstand on Olivia's side of the bed. She bit her lower lip playfully and leaned back so she could slowly open the drawer.

"What are you doing?" Alex asked suspiciously.

"I got you a little something," Olivia answered, pulling out the jewelry box. She laughed and shook her head as Alex's jaw dropped in surprise. "Don't worry. It's not what you think it is."

Alex cocked her head, a little confused by what was happening, and took the black box. "Liv, I didn't get you anything," she started slowly. "If I had known you were getting me something, I would have –

"Alex, just open the box," Olivia said. "I promise it's not what you think."

Very slowly and hesitantly, Alex lifted the lid of the box and looked inside, finding a small piece of paper folded in half. She furrowed her eyebrows and shook her head. "Liv, what is this?" she asked as she unfolded the piece of paper. "I owe you one lavender bubble bath and one full body massage."

"I told you it wasn't what you thought."

Alex sat down on the bed and smiled. "You want to give me a bubble bath?"

"And a full body massage…as long as you're up for it of course."

Alex leaned her head back and pretended to think about it for a few moments. When she couldn't hold back her smile any longer, she sat up and wrapped her arms around Olivia. "I think that sounds wonderful."

"Yeah?"

"I do. I'd love to return the massage though. I'm sure after all our walking around today you're going to be pretty tired and sore, too."

Olivia hesitated for a brief moment before smiling, praying that Alex hadn't seen anything. "Yeah," she said quickly, pulling away from Alex and placing a few more things into the bag. "That sounds okay."

"Are you okay?" Alex asked, concerned.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Olivia answered, obviously lying. "Why don't we finish packing so we can head out. I really want to spend as much time there as possible."

They quickly finished packing in silence, and Olivia picked up the duffel bag and hurriedly made her way to the door. She stopped when she felt Alex's hand on her shoulder, but she didn't turn around. She was afraid that if she turned around right now, she'd start crying.

"Liv, what's wrong?" Alex asked. "Did I do something? Did I say something that upset you?"

Olivia shook her head and took a deep breath. Slowly, she turned around, praying that she could keep the tears away for the time being. "You didn't do anything wrong," she whispered, gently caressing Alex's cheek. "Let's just go and have fun today. I'll, um…I'll try to talk to you tonight."

"Liv, I'm sorry. If I did something –"

"You didn't do anything, I promise," Olivia assured her.

Alex held Olivia's hand and bit her lower lip. "Okay," she said reluctantly. She swallowed hard and forced a smile. "Come on. Let's go cheer you up, okay? Let's go have a blast at the Coliseum."

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Everything was going a lot better than she'd expected it to go. At first, she was terrified that she was going to fail miserably at this and they'd never call her to babysit ever again. She'd played with them and given both of them their bottles, and nothing had gone wrong. Now she was getting Christopher ready for a diaper change. Alexa was in the corner laughing at herself in the mirror. She turned her attention away from Alexa and fastened the strap over Christopher. Just as she was starting to pull his diaper off, she heard Alexa squealing happily. She turned her head just in time to see Alexa trying to pull herself up using the small table by the wall. "Alexa, no!" she yelled, running over and catching her just before the table fell on her. The table fell anyway, causing several pictures to shatter as they hit the ground. "Shit," she mumbled, holding Alexa close and turning to see that Christopher and taken his diaper off and was now smearing his poop all over himself and the wall. "Christopher, no!" she yelled. She was just about to run over to clean him up when she heard Jess and Allen running up the stairs. They'd obviously heard the crash of the table and picture frames falling to the ground.

"Julia, is everything okay?" Jess asked as she and Allen hurried into the room. They arrived just in time to see Julia pull Alexa close and make a mad dash to the corner. Christopher was safely snapped to the changing table, covered in poop, but at least he was safe. "What happened, honey?"

"I'm sorry!" Julia said desperately. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to, I promise! I tried to be careful and take good care of them!" Tears were pouring down her cheeks now, and her entire body was trembling in fear. "Please don't punish me, Uncle Allen! I'm sorry!"

Jess inhaled sharply as Julia pleaded for Allen not to hurt her. She had to hold it for a few moments before slowly letting it out. "Allen," she said softly as she turned to him. "Get Christopher and take him to get cleaned up. Do it quickly, too. You need to get out of here."

"Julia, I'm not going to –"

"Now, Allen!" Jess yelled through clenched teeth. The sound of Allen's voice had caused Julia to recoil in horror. "Just get Christopher and get out of here. We'll clean up the changing table later."

He nodded understandingly and quickly ran over to Christopher. "Okay, buddy," he said, unsnapping the strap and pulling his son up. "How did you manage to get yourself so messy, huh? Come on. We'll go get you cleaned up."

As soon as Allen and Christopher were gone, Jess closed the door and slowly turned around to face Julia. She squatted down so she could look at Julia at eye level rather than looking down at her. "It's okay, honey," she said gently, trying to make sure Julia was okay enough for her to move closer. When she was sure it was okay, she slowly made her way over and sat down next to her. "Honey," she started softly. "What happened?"

"I'm sorry, Aunt Jess!" she said, the tears falling harder as she continued to hold Alexa close. "I swear I didn't mean to! I tried to take good care of them! I promise I tried!"

"It's okay, Jules," Jess told her, slowly pulling Alexa from her grasp and setting her down by her toys. "You're not in trouble, I promise. Nobody's mad at you, and nobody's going to punish you."

"You promise?"

"Yeah, honey. I promise."

Julia nodded and pulled her knees up to her chest. "Everything was going really well," she started shakily. "We were playing and I gave them their bottles. Then Christopher pooped so I put him up on the changing table. Alexa was playing over in the corner by the mirror so I thought she was okay. I strapped Christopher in and started to pull off his diaper and Alexa started squealing. I turned around and she was trying to pull herself up on the table. It started to fall so I ran over and pulled her out of the way but it still fell." She bit her lower lip and leaned her forehead onto her knees, terrified of how Jess was going to react.

To see Julia so terrified of her reaction was difficult, but Jess tried not to let it show. Instead, she did her best to stay calm and reassure Julia. Very slowly, she placed her hand on Julia's back and rubbed gently. "You did everything right," she whispered, smiling warmly and nodding as Julia looked up in shock and confusion. "You had Christopher strapped in there nice and safe. You saw that Alexa was about to pull that table on top of her and you stopped that." Sensing that Julia was calming down, Jess gently wrapped her arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. "You kept them both safe. I'm so proud of you."

"You are?" Julia asked, looking up nervously.

"You bet I am," Jess answered with a smile. "There was nothing you could have done differently – nothing you could have done to stop what happened. You did everything right, Jules. This could have happened to anybody. If I'd been here, it probably would have happened to me."

"Really?"

"Yeah, honey."

"You think the same thing would have happened to you?"

Jess sighed and tugged on Julia's arm. "I know it would," she said, pulling Jess up and giving her a gentle hug. "Thank you," she whispered, running her fingers through Julia's hair."

"What?" Julia asked, pulling out of the hug. "Why are you thanking me?"

Jess leaned forward and met Julia's eyes. "Because you kept my babies safe. You stopped Alexa from probably getting really, really hurt. If that table had fallen on her, who knows what could have happened? You are one hell – er- heck of a great babysitter, honey."

"I tried my best."

"And you did a great job." Jess sighed and picked up Alexa. "I'm the one who should apologize, Jules. I never should have left both of them with you. That wasn't very fair to you, especially since it was your first ever babysitting job."

Julia shook her head and walked with Jess to the door. "I should have been able to do it."

"You did," Jess assured her. "You did everything right. What do you say you help me get this little one to bed and then you and I can go downstairs, eat some ice cream, and watch a funny movie or something?"

Julia looked up, her eyes full of hope. "Really?"

"Come on," Jess said, wrapping her arm around Julia and walking over to Julia's crib. "Let's get her to sleep so we can pig out on chocolate chip cookie dough goodness."

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The bus ride to the Coliseum seemed to take forever, but they both knew it was worth it. Neither of them could understand a word that was being said by anybody around them, but the bus driver spoke enough English to understand them, and assured them he'd tell them when to get off.

"Wow," Alex said, stepping off the bus and onto the busy sidewalk. "This is so exciting." She pulled out the brochure and opened it up to the map. "According to this, we have to go down this street, hang a left, and turn right two blocks up. You ready?"

Olivia took a deep breath and looked around for a moment before nodding. "Yeah," she said breathily, unable to believe she was actually in Italy. Alex had to tug on her arm to get her walking because she was so in awe of everything around her. "I'm ready."

"Then let's go." Alex said, lacing her arm with Olivia's and walking towards the corner. There were people everywhere and if they hadn't been walking arm-in-arm, they probably would have gotten separated. "I can't believe it's this crowded," she started to say as they rounded the corner. "I had no idea this many people…" her voice slowly drifted off as she looked up and saw the Coliseum for the first time. "That is incredible," she whispered.

Olivia couldn't move. She nearly fell over when Alex kept walking, not realizing that she had stopped. There she was, standing on the sidewalk, staring up at the most beautiful sight – besides Alex – she had ever seen. She could feel her heart racing and her hands shaking. Her legs were about to give out under her when Alex caught her.

"Woah, there," Alex said laughing. "Do you need to sit down, Liv?"

Talking right now was impossible, so she just shook her head. She finally managed to take a few steps forward, and with Alex's help, they started walking closer to the entrance. The line was pretty long, which only added to her excitement. She could feel it growing as each second passed.

To see Olivia looking so incredibly happy made Alex's heart sing with joy. She knew that one of Olivia's biggest wishes in life was to one day visit this place. She was just happy that she could so easily bring Olivia this much happiness. They took a few more steps as the line moved forward, and she felt Olivia squeeze her arm.

"Thank you," Olivia whispered, still not able to fully catch her breath.

Alex smiled and wrapped her arm around her. "You're welcome, baby," she whispered happily. "You're welcome."

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So yeah, I managed to update this pretty quickly after the last chapter. Woot.


	51. I Might Lose My Job

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

This one's a little bit shorter than recent ones, but I wanted to get it updated while I could. I'm about to start finals and then a crazy-mad unpaid internship for 8 weeks. I'll still be able to update during the internship, but probably won't have as much time. Hopefully between finals and the start of the internship, I can update the next chapter.

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"Do you need to call your mom and dad?" Jess asked softly. She wrapped her arm around Julia's shoulder and led her into the kitchen. Opening the freezer, she smiled warmly. "It's okay if you do, honey. I know they'd understand."

Julia smiled and shook her head as she took a pint of Ben & Jerry's from Jess and sat down on the couch in the living room. "No. I think I'm okay now." She looked up and bit her lower lip. "Besides, I'd hate to ruin their date."

Jess nearly choked on her ice cream as she sat down next to the girl. She had to cough several times before putting her spoon down and looking up. Julia wasn't supposed to know about that! "Their what? How did you –"

"They were way too dressed up for just dropping me off to babysit here," she said, shrugging her shoulders and eating another bite of ice cream. "Plus, I heard them talking about it. You all should have just told me. They deserve to get out of the house and go on a date every now and then. Honestly, I wish everyone had just told me instead of pretending you needed a babysitter. I would have been fine coming over here for the night."

"I guess we shouldn't have lied to you," Jess said as she put her ice cream down. She sighed and rubbed Julia's thigh. "I think your mom and dad just wanted to go out for the night and have a good time, but the were afraid of how you would react. They didn't want you to feel bad or anything."

She hadn't really thought about it that way before. What Jess was saying made sense. She just didn't really like how everything had gone down. It didn't bother her that her mom and dad wanted to spend a night together without her. They were a married couple – they deserved to do stuff like that. It bothered her that they lied about everything though. "I just wish you all had told me," she whispered softly, staring across the room. "I don't like being lied to."

"We should have told you," Jess said softly. "I'm sorry about that. Can I make a deal with you?"

"What kind of deal?"

"I promise to talk to your parents. We'll all make a promise to you to always tell you when they want to go out…if you'll promise to come back here and babysit every now and then. How does that sound?"

Julia furrowed her eyebrows and looked up at Jess. "You want me to come back?"

"You better believe I do," Jess told her. "I love my babies. When Allen and I spend an evening together, I'm only going to leave them with somebody I know and trust. After what I saw from you tonight, you are absolutely going to be asked back. I know for a fact that my children will be safe with you."

As much as she wanted to hide it, Julia couldn't wipe the smile off her face. She still felt bad for allowing Christopher to make such a mess and Alexa to nearly get hurt. Plus, all of the picture frames had broken when the table fell. Still, Jess was praising her for a job well done. Now, the more she really thought about it, the more she began to realize that she couldn't have prevented any of it from happening. "I'd really like to come back again."

"That's good to hear. If you want, see if one of your friends from school can come with you. I'd pay both of you of course. I'm sure it'd be a lot easier if one of your friends came and helped."

"It'd be okay if I brought a friend with me?"

"Absolutely."

Julia smiled as Jess pressed play on the remote. Before the first preview was over, however, she gently nudged Jess and looked up hesitantly. "Hey, um, Aunt Jess?"

"Yeah, Jules?"

"Has Uncle Allen seen _Night at the Museum_ yet?"

"Nope," Jess answered, frowning when she saw Julia's gaze wander over to the television screen. "But don't worry about it. We rented it and we have it for the week. He can see it later."

"But you two were going to watch it together."

"It's okay, Jules. He'll –"

"He should come down here and watch it with us."

"Really? You're okay with that?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"You think so?" Jess asked worriedly. "Honey, if –"

"I'll be okay as long as you're sitting on the couch with me," Julia quickly interrupted. Her therapist had been encouraging her to just come out and voice whatever it was that she needed. It had been difficult at first, but it was slowly getting easier. She was just lucky that everyone around her was so ready and willing to do whatever they could to make her feel safe and comfortable. "If you sit here on the couch with me and he sits on the recliner, I'll be okay."

Jess wasn't sure how to respond at first. She remembered how scared Julia had been when she and Allen had rushed into the nursery. She remembered seeing the fear in Julia's eyes grow at the sound of Allen's voice. Now, Julia was saying that Allen should come downstairs and watch the movie with them. How was she supposed to react to that?

"I know he's not going to hurt me," Julia said quietly, interrupting Jess' thoughts. "I also know that the two of you were supposed to watch this movie together. I really don't want to ruin your night."

Jess shook her head. "You wouldn't ruin our night."

"Please, Aunt Jess," Julia begged. "Please tell him to come down. He doesn't deserve to be stuck upstairs all night. Besides, I really want him to watch the movie with us."

"Okay. I'll go talk to him."

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Elliot looked up from his desk and saw a woman and two young girls walking into the precinct. The girls looked terrified and the woman looked she was about to collapse into a fit of tears right then and there. He stood up and made his way over to them. "Hi, I'm Elliot Stabler. Can I help you?"

"Um," the woman started, looking around nervously. She held tight to the two girls next to her as she finally managed to look Elliot in the eyes. "My name's Carolyn Peters. These are my nieces, Grace and Abigail. I, um, I heard this was the place to go with information on Beth Ripling. My nieces say they know something about her. Please tell me I'm in the right place."

Was this really happening? Grace and Abigail had already been interviewed by an FBI psychiatrist up in Maine. Everyone had been told that they weren't emotionally ready to go through a trial. They hadn't been able to give anybody any information on Beth Ripling, either, so nobody had bothered contacting them with any recent developments – not that there had been any. "Uh, yeah," Elliot said, trying to hide his surprise. "You're in the right place."

"Can we go someplace private to talk?" she asked nervously, looking down at Grace and Abigail. "My nieces are scared enough as it is. They're not going to want to talk in a big open room like this."

"Absolutely," Elliot answered. "Follow me." He led them to one of the interview rooms and pulled out three chairs. As Grace and Abigail sat down next to Carolyn, Elliot knelt in front of them and smiled. "I have to go talk to my captain – he's the boss around here. Can I get you anything to drink while you're waiting?"

Both girls immediately leaned away from the sound of Elliot's voice. Carolyn wrapped an arm around both of them and sighed as she looked apologetically at Elliot. "They're getting better," she said weakly. "They're just…they're so scared. They've been through so much and they're hurting all the time. It's so hard. They're so brave though," she said, smiling proudly as she gently squeezed both of them. "Girls, Elliot's a nice man – a safe man. He's going to help us and make sure that Ms. Ripling goes to jail for a very, very long time, okay?"

Abigail looked up first, clearly terrified, but trying hard to work through her fear. "You're going to make her go to jail?"

Elliot nodded. "Yes I am. I need your help though. You and Grace can help us a lot, honey."

Now it was Grace's turn to look up. "How?"

"By telling us everything you can about Ms. Ripling. Whatever you can tell us will help us put her in jail. The more we know, the longer she'll stay there."

Grace and Abigail exchanged nervous glances, then nodded. "Okay," Grace said firmly.

_Thank God_, Elliot thought. _Now we might just be able to nail Beth Ripling's ass_. "Okay," he said gently as he stood up. "I still have to go talk to my captain before I can talk to you two. Would you like anything while you're waiting? Ms. Peter's, can I get you anything?"

"I, um, I'd like a Coke, if that's okay," she answered hesitantly. She hadn't been ready for him to offer her anything to drink. _Maybe my little girls will finally see that a man can be good._ She looked down and smiled. "Girls, would you like anything?"

Abigail looked nervously from her aunt to Elliot, then back to her aunt. "Is it okay if I ask for a strawberry milkshake?" she whispered softly into her aunt's ear.

Carolyn smiled. "I'm sure that'd be okay. Go ahead and ask him."

Abigail looked up and took a deep breath. "Can I have a strawberry milkshake?"

"You may absolutely have a strawberry milkshake," Elliot answered with a smile. "Grace, is there anything you'd like?"

"Can…can I have a…a chocolate milkshake?"

Elliot smiled proudly at the two girls sitting in front of him. "One Coke, one strawberry milkshake, and one chocolate milkshake coming up." He turned to leave, but felt Carolyn's hand on his shoulder just before he reached the door.

"Thank you," Carolyn whispered. "You really seemed to respect them just now."

"I do respect them," Elliot told her. "I deal with rape victims on a daily basis, Ms. Peters. This is a difficult thing for grown women to deal with. The fact that they're so young and still brave enough to talk about what happened definitely deserves a lot of respect." He met her eyes and nodded knowingly. "You have two beautiful girls, and you're doing a good job raising them."

Carolyn nodded and looked back over at the girls sitting at the table behind her. "The cops we talked to in Maine were so…I don't know, just not like you. They didn't seem to care about Grace and Abigail's well being. They just wanted information. Every time one of the girls flinched away, the cops just got angrier. I had to pull them out of there because they were in hysterics and the cops just kept pressing them for more information." She frowned and took a deep breath. "You actually tried to gain their trust thought."

"They need to know that not all men are bad. I have every intention of proving that to them. Now I really need to go talk to my captain to set up an interview. I'll send someone else back with your drinks in a few minutes."

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"This night has been absolutely magical," Casey said as Steve took her hand and helped her step down. She smiled warmly as he paid the driver. "I've never ridden in a horse – drawn carriage before. That was amazing."

"Well I'm glad you enjoyed yourself," Steve said, smiling and taking her hand. "I know I've had an incredible evening myself." His grin grew slightly mischievous as he pulled her around the corner to the right – the opposite direction from where their car was parked.

"Steve, where are we going?" she asked as she hesitantly followed him down the block. "The parking garage is the other way."

"We're not going to the parking garage."

"Then how's our car getting home?"

"Munch."

She nodded and raised her eyebrows. "And if Munch is taking our car home, how do you suppose we're going to get home?"

Instead of answering, he just tugged lightly on her hand and led her to the next corner. Seeing her eyes widen and her jaw drop in surprise as they turned the corner made him smile. "A perfect end to a perfect evening."

"A limo?" she asked in disbelief. "You hired a limo to drive us ten miles to our house?"

"First, we're going to drive around the city so we can really admire it and all the lights at night. Then we're going to drive home. I rented it for three hours, so we should be good."

"We have it until midnight?"

He took her hand and walked her over to the waiting limousine. "Until midnight, my dear."

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"Okay, girls," Elliot said gently as he sat down at the table. It had only been thirty minutes since they walked into the precinct. Elliot had talked to Cragen and they had gotten another lawyer to stand in Alex's place while the girls gave the information. After promising not to interfere, Carolyn had been told that she could stay with the girls during the interview. Everything they collected today would be passed on to Alex once she got home. "I know this is really hard, but if there's anything you can tell me that you think will help, now's the time to do it."

Grace pushed her straw around and drank the last few sips of her chocolate milkshake. "She knew he was bad," she whispered, not looking up from her cup. "Abby and I told her he was bad and she didn't do anything."

"We told her what he did and she told us to stop lying," Abigail said softly.

"You girls are doing great," Elliot said warmly. He nodded at Carolyn, who was standing in the corner of the room. She had decided to stand as far away from the girls as possible because she was afraid she'd do something to jeopardize the interview. "What else did she do?"

"She told us we were bad," Grace said. "She said that he told her we didn't obey him and she told us that since he was our daddy we had to do everything he said, no matter what."

"He made us take of our clothes and touch him," Abigail said, trying not to cry. "I told Ms. Beth that, but she said I was lying and told me to stop."

"But Abigail wasn't lying!" Grace yelled. "She was telling the truth."

"I even showed her the pictures but she still said I was lying!"

Elliot eyes widened at Abigail's words. He had to take a deep breath in order to remain calm. They'd never found any pictures. "Pictures? Abigail, what pictures are you talking about?"

"The ones that Mrs. Warren took wile Mr. Warren was naked with us," she said softly. She looked down to the floor and started crying. "Mrs. Warren took pictures while Mr. Warren was hurting us. Grace and I gave Ms. Beth the pictures and she still didn't believe us!"

As soon as Abigail collapsed into tears, Carolyn ran over and wrapped her arms around her. "Okay, honey," she whispered calmly. "It's okay. It's okay. You did so great, Abby. You did great."

Elliot turned to Grace and sighed. "Grace, where are the pictures? Do you know where she kept them?"

"She has a cabin in the Poconos," Grace told him as she leaned towards her aunt. "I think she kept them there. I heard them talking about it once when I was supposed to be asleep. The cabin's not in her name though. It's in Mr. Warren's."

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"Munch and Fin are on their way to pick up Beth," Cragen said as Elliot walked out of the interview room. "We're working on finding the cabin. Once we do, you've got yourself a warrant." He looked briefly through the two-way and then back to Elliot. "That was a good job you did in there."

Elliot rubbed his face and massaged his temples, trying to relieve the stress he was feeling. "I just hope we find those damn pictures," he said. "Alex doesn't have anything solid on that woman and without those pictures, she's probably going to walk."

"I'm sending you and Fin out there once he gets back with Beth. Munch and I will take care of her. I want the two of you to find whatever you can while you're down there."

"We'll tear the place apart, Cap."

"And Elliot?"

"Yeah?"

"Find out why the hell Beth Ripling is sharing a cabin with that bastard."

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"I can't believe I actually walked around in the Coliseum," Olivia said when they arrived back at their hotel room. She put the duffel bag down and plopped herself onto the bed. "I was actually there. I actually saw it and walked around and…" she sighed happily and fell backwards so she was lying down. "How many pictures did I take?"

Alex laughed and pulled out the digital camera. "Sixty-three," she said as she sat down next to Olivia on the bed. "You're adorable when you're this happy, do you know that? I love to see you like this. It makes me happy."

Olivia sat up and smiled. "Well I wouldn't have been able to enjoy it at all if you hadn't been there to enjoy it with me." She gently nudged Alex and bit her lower lip. "I just hope you enjoyed yourself, too. Did you have a good time?"

"I had a fantastic time."

"I'm glad," Olivia said happily. She smiled and tugged on Alex's arm. "Come on," she encouraged playfully. "I seem to remember a little conversation we had this morning where I promised you a lavender bubble bath and a full-body massage."

Alex smiled and followed Olivia into the bathroom. She remembered the conversation very well. She also remembered how upset Olivia had been by her response to the offer of a full-body massage. After thinking about it for a few seconds, she decided not to bring it up. Instead, she smiled and slowly removed her clothes as the lavender scent began to fill the room. "It smells fantastic in here," she said, her back to Olivia as she took off her pants.

She couldn't take off her shirt. It didn't make any sense. She'd taken her shirt off in front of Alex several times since her surgery. Why was this time so much different? What was so special about this time? What was so –

"I love you," Alex whispered, interrupting Olivia's silent thoughts. She frowned when she realized that Olivia was shaking. "Hey," she said softly as she walked over to Olivia. "We don't have to do this if you don't want to, honey."

"But I made you a promise and I don't want to break that promise."

"It's okay, Liv," Alex assured her. "I can take a rain check."

"The lavender's already in and the bathtub's full and –"

"And nothing," Alex interrupted quickly. Olivia's happiness was quickly fading into worry and despair, and Alex was determined to put a stop to it. Very slowly and very gently, she removed Olivia's shirt from her trembling body. "I'm right here," she whispered, setting the shirt aside and pulling Olivia into the bathtub with her. This was one of only about five times that Alex had leaned against the tub and held Olivia. Usually it was the other way around.

The water and bubbles were just enough to cover her scars. That made her feel a little better. This was the first time since her surgery that she'd allowed Alex to hold her in the bathtub. She wasn't quite sure how she felt about it, but as soon as Alex's arms were gently wrapped around her, she slowly began to relax.

"You're beautiful," Alex whispered into Olivia's ear. She hated feeling Olivia shaking in her arms, and she was willing to do anything to make the woman feel better. "Whatever it is, Liv," she started softly. "Whatever it is that's got you this upset, you can talk to me. Talk to me, honey. I'm right here."

Without even realizing she was doing it until several minutes later, Olivia curled into a tight ball and leaned as close to Alex as she could. It wasn't until she felt Alex combing her fingers through her hair that she realized what she'd done. "I might lose my job," she said in defeat several minutes later. "Cragen might let me go."

Alex didn't want to believe the words coming out of Olivia's mouth. She didn't want them to be true. She knew how much Olivia loved her job. Still, Olivia was shaking in her arms so much that she knew the woman wasn't lying. She swallowed hard and tried desperately to think of something to say. "It's okay, honey," she whispered, holding Olivia close. "It's okay."

"No it's not!" Olivia yelled angrily, though she didn't pull away from Alex's arms. "It's not okay. It's so far from being okay." She was falling now. Her anger was quickly turning into despair as she thought about losing her job. "I love my job, Alex. I don't know who I am without it."

Alex leaned her forehead against the top of Olivia's head and sighed. "You're more than your job, Olivia. You're also an amazing woman, a great friend, and a beautiful, wonderful wife. You are Olivia Benson, and I love you."

"It's just that, all my life, I've been preparing for this job. I knew when I was a little kid that I wanted to be a detective. My entire life's work is about to be thrown out the window."

Alex's grip around Olivia loosened slightly when she heard those words. "So if your job's that important to you, what am I? Just some perk that you get to have on the side?" She closed her eyes and inhaled sharply. _Shit that came out more angrily than I meant for it to_, she thought.

As soon as the words came out of Alex's mouth, Olivia sat up and turned as much as she could in the tub so she could face her. "Absolutely not!" she said firmly. "You are so much more important than my job will ever be!"

"Then what did you mean –"

"I spent so much time studying, so much time in physical training, so much time…preparing for this job. After I got it, I was ecstatic. For the first time in my entire life, I had a family. I had people who loved me and supported me – no matter how much shit I put them through. If I lose my job, I'll lose that…"

Alex put her finger over Olivia's lips and pulled her close. "You won't lose that," she whispered knowingly. "You know how much everyone loves you. You won't lose them, honey."

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Oh, the angst…


	52. Tell Me What Happened

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

At the risk of sounding really vain, I'm not receiving nearly as many reviews as I usually do. It could be the time of year. Late spring/early summer can be a crazy busy time. I know I've been swamped with finals myself.

Recently though, I know the site had some kind of problem and no alerts were going out. I'm just wondering if y'all are receiving alerts about my updates…

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Elliot and Fin pulled out onto the highway, neither of them saying a word. Cragen and Munch were trying to get Beth to crack, but she had lawyered up as soon as she had been brought to the station. It didn't look like she was going to say anything without her lawyer with her. Now it was up to Elliot and Fin to find something that guaranteed a long sentence.

"You think we'll find anything?" Fin said, finally breaking the silence as he pulled onto the highway.

"I don't know," Elliot answered, keeping his eyes straight ahead. He didn't want to think about what would happen if there was nothing at the cabin. They needed to find something – anything that proved Beth Ripling knew what was happening to those girls.

"Grace and Abigail seemed to think there'd be something up there," Fin said once the silence between them became awkward. "That woman's been too smart for too long. She's got to have made a mistake somewhere."

"Yeah," Elliot whispered. As much as he wanted to focus on this case and concentrate on what they needed to find at the cabin, he couldn't. His mind kept wandering back to two weeks ago when he'd seen Olivia walking out of Cragen's office with tears running down her cheeks. He'd known exactly what was wrong. While he'd wanted to go in there and yell at Cragen, he knew he couldn't. Cragen hated it just as much as anyone else, but it was necessary. He just prayed that the entire squad didn't fall apart as a result.

They drove in silence for nearly an hour. Neither of them knew what to say. Finally, Fin couldn't take it anymore. He'd been biting his tongue for far too long and now he needed answers. "Elliot," he started softly. "You know why Liv walked out of Cragen's room the other day in tears, don't you?"

Elliot hesitated briefly. "Yeah."

"What is –"

"I can't tell you, Fin."

"Is her cancer back?"

"What?" Elliot asked, turning and looking over at Fin. He was surprised to hear that much worry in the man's voice. He shook his head slowly and sighed. "No, her cancer's not back."

Fin breathed a sigh of relief and kept his eyes focused on the road. "That's good news," he said softly.

Elliot sighed. "I can't tell you what happened in Cragen's office. I know that you deserve to know, but it's not my place to tell." He sighed sadly and looked out the window. "We'll all find out soon enough anyway."

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"So, you up for having her back again?" Jess asked, closing the door once Casey's car disappeared from view. She smiled and walked into the living room, wrapping her arms around Allen and planting a kiss on his nose. "I think she did a fantastic job."

Allen smiled and wrapped his arms around her waist. "She did great," he whispered, pulling her closer. The truth was, he had been slightly apprehensive as he and Jess walked out of the twins' room the night before. He knew she didn't have much experience, and trying to manage 9-month-old twins alone is difficult for anybody. After seeing her in action, however, he knew his children would be safe in her hands. "She handled herself very well."

Jess smiled as she looked into his eyes. "You did, too, you know," she told him softly. "She bolted into that corner as soon as we came into the room. You took Christopher and you left quickly so I could calm her down."

He licked his lips nervously and closed his eyes. "I know what it's like to be scared like that," he admitted softly. "I just did what I know would have helped me if I had been in her position."

Jess cupped his face and looked lovingly into his eyes. "You are an incredible man, Allen Handley. Do you know that? Every single day I fall more and more in love with you."

"I do the same with you, babe," he said, laughing and leading her into the bedroom. "I do the same with you."

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"Did you and dad have a nice date?" Julia asked, climbing into the car the following morning. She smiled at their surprise when they realized she knew about their scheme. "Don't worry though. Aunt Jess didn't say anything. I figured it out on my own."

Casey and Steve exchanged brief, surprised glances before laughing heartily. They hadn't expected her to figure it out – what on earth had they done wrong?

Julia laughed. "You guys were really dressed up," she said simply. "It was so obvious that you weren't just dropping me off at Aunt Jess'." She swallowed hesitantly and sighed. "If you two ever want to go out on another date, could you just tell me?"

The pain in Julia's voice caused Casey's eyes to water. It was never their intention to hurt Julia. If anything, they had lied to her to prevent her from getting hurt. "I'm sorry, honey, "Casey said softly. "I guess your dad and I still have a lot to learn about being parents."

"I don't like being lied to."

Casey sighed and turned around in her seat. They had been so worried that telling Julia they wanted to go out for the night would upset her that they hadn't thought about how she would feel if she found out they had lied to her. "I'm sorry, Jules," she said earnestly. "We should have told you what we were doing."

"You guys are allowed to go out if you want to," Julia said softly, turning to face Casey. "I won't get upset, I promise. I just want you to tell me."

"We will," Casey promised. "I'll make sure Aunt Jess always keeps you in the loop, too."

"She already promised not to lie to me again."

"You talked to her about it?"

She hadn't really meant for the conversation to go this far, but now that it had, there was no getting out of it. "Yeah," she whispered. "Aunt Jess and Uncle Allen and I watched _Night at the Museum_ after…after we got the twins to sleep. Aunt Jess was really good about everything and she promised to let me come over if you guys want to go out again. She even said I could bring a friend so it would be easier."

It was easy to tell that Julia wasn't telling her everything, but Casey didn't say anything. She was just glad Jess had made that promise to her daughter. "I think going over there with a friend is a great idea. I bet taking care of the twins was pretty hard."

"Aunt Jess and Uncle Allen helped me out. They were really good about it, too. They didn't get mad when I needed help."

_Thank God for Jess and Allen_, Casey thought as she felt relief wash over her. Whatever had happened had obviously upset Julia, but Jess and Allen had succeeded in helping her feel better. "I'm glad to hear that."

"Hey mom?"

"Yeah, honey?"

Julia smiled as she reached up and put her hand on her mother's shoulder. "I'm glad you and dad had fun last night. You both looked really happy when you came and picked me up."

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Cragen couldn't believe the information he had sitting in front of him. Elliot and Fin had barely spent ten minutes in the cabin before finding the pictures. Damn bitch hadn't even bothered to hide them. There were more than two hundred photographs in several boxes. Beth's lawyer had met them at the cabin to make sure they didn't trample on her rights.

"Her attorney was so sure we were going to do something wrong," Elliot told him anxiously. "He was breathing down our necks the entire time. The look on his face when we found those pictures…"

"It was like he was disappointed we found them," Fin said. "He looked upset that we were going to lock her away. It was disgusting."

Cragen sighed. "Did you guys find anything that would explain why the hell the two of them are sharing a cabin together in Pennsylvania? What were they doing there?"

Fin grimaced. "There was some weird sexual fetish thing going on with them. We found pictures of them dressed up in all sorts of weird costumes. They're doing every position you can think of, too."

"Ripling and Warren?"

"And Warren's wife," Elliot added. "There were whips and chains, too. It doesn't look like they ever tied the girls up, so that's a relief. Still, it looks like Ripling and the Warrens were going down to that cabin and doing some nasty stuff with each other."

"Where were the pictures taken?"

"The ones of the three of them in costumes doing shit with each other were all taken at the cabin. The ones of the girls were taken at the Warrens' house. We didn't find any evidence that the girls were ever taken to the cabin."

Cragen swallowed and nodded his head. "Okay," he said, trying to think it over in his head before he actually voiced what he wanted to do. "Elliot, put all of this together and get it ready for Alex when she gets home. Fin, you go with Munch and have a little chat with Ms. Ripling. I want to know what she has to say now that she knows we have the pictures."

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"Okay, Beth, here's the thing," Munch said, walking into the interrogation room and staring straight at her. "We found the pictures. We know what you were doing." He sat down across from her and shoved a pad of paper and pen at her. "Start writing."

She looked up, a look of pretend confusion on her face. "Start writing what?" she asked, feigning innocence. She shook her head and smiled. "You can't prove anything with pictures. Besides," she added, shrugging with a smile. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Cut the crap," Munch retorted. "We found the pictures in your cabin."

"You mean in Warren's cabin," she corrected curtly. "Can't prove I ever saw them."

"We know how much time you spent with the Warrens. We also know what the three of you did together." Elliot stood up and tossed a few pictures in her direction. He smiled and looked at her lawyer. "It'd be a good idea to explain to your client just how much trouble she's really in."

He looked up with a smirk and pushed the pad of paper back at Elliot and Munch. "You've got nothing," he said confidently. "All you have are some pictures that were found at a cabin that my client sometimes visits. The cabin's not even in her name. You have no proof that she even saw the pictures, much less that they existed."

Munch shook his head and turned to face Beth. "This looks really bad for you. If you want to have any chance of seeing the sun again, I'd start talking. Otherwise, we're going to trial and you're going to spend the rest of your life in an eight by ten foot cell."

"Well until you can actually prove that I saw those pictures – which you can't – I'm not saying a word," she said, standing up and walking to the door. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a hair appointment."

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"She's right," Casey mumbled, watching the elevator doors close on Beth and her lawyer. She'd gotten a phone call from Cragen, telling her that Beth had been brought in for questioning, and she'd demanded to be present for it. "If all you have are pictures found at a cabin that she doesn't even own, you've got nothing."

Elliot wanted to be mad at Casey. She sounded so angry at them and he wanted to rip into her – tell her that they were doing the best they could and she should just be grateful that they'd found the pictures in the first place. He turned to look at her, and his anger disappeared. She looked so defeated that he couldn't bring himself to yell at her. "Hey," he said gently. "We'll get her."

"You can't know that," she said, shaking her head and biting her lower lip. "You saw her in there. She can fake innocence really, really well. All she has to do is force a few tears to fall and the jury'll believe every word she says."

"Don't give up yet, Case," Elliot said softly as he walked her down the hallway. "The box and the pictures have been sent to the lab. The techs are going to go every millimeter to try to find something. Trust me, if she saw those pictures, we'll know it."

"Yeah," she whispered as she stepped onto the elevator. "Thanks for letting me watch the interview. Call me if you guys find anything else?"

"You'll be the first to know," Elliot promised. "Now go home and take your daughter out to lunch. I think it'll make you feel better to spend some time with her."

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"Liv?" Alex asked hesitantly as she slowly peeked her head into the bathroom. They'd spent the entire day at the beach, lying in the sun and building sandcastles. Olivia had seemed incredibly withdrawn, and Alex couldn't figure out what was bothering her. She frowned as she steeped into a room full of steam. "Do you mind if I come in?"

"I don't care," Olivia mumbled.

Alex undressed and slowly stepped into the shower, cringing as the hot water hit her skin. "Hey," she whispered. "What's wrong, honey?" She wrapped her arms around Olivia's waist and pulled her close. "What's wrong?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay."

"Please?" Olivia begged. "I just don't want to talk about it right now."

"Then we'll just stand here until you're ready to get out. Is that okay?"

Olivia swallowed. "Yeah," she answered, leaning closer to Alex. "That's okay."

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"Why'd you take me out to lunch today?" Julia asked as she shoved her fork into her pasta salad and took a big bite. "Uh men, is not lick is muh burfdee," she said, her mouth full of food.

Casey grimaced and put her fork down. "Julia, please swallow before you start talking. I'd really rather not see half-chewed pasta salad while I'm trying to eat."

Julia swallowed and looked up apologetically. "Sorry."

"That's better."

"So, why'd you decide to take me to lunch?" she asked a few minutes later. "I mean, I'm really glad you wanted to take me to lunch, but is there a reason for it?"

"Not…really," Casey said hesitantly.

"Mom?"

"Yeah?"

"What's up?"

Casey sighed and reached across the table. As she took Julia's hand, she sniffled and wiped away a tear. She hadn't wanted to talk about this in the restaurant, but they were in a booth in the back corner of the restaurant. It provided a good bit of privacy. "You know that you're going to have to go to trial in a little over three months, right?"

"I know," Julia said as she shifted uncomfortably in her seat. _Why do you want to talk about the trial now?_ she wondered. _You know how much I hate talking about that_.

"Well I need to tell you about some new information that the detectives found yesterday," Casey said softly. She gently squeezed Julia's hand and tried to smile. "Do you want to talk about it now or would you rather wait until we get home?"

"Just tell me now," Julia said firmly. "What did they find?"

Casey closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Pictures," she said softly. "They found the pictures that Mrs. Warren took." She studied Julia's face, trying to read her daughter, but she couldn't get anything. Julia's stare was too blank. "These pictures are going to help us put Beth and Mr. Warren away for a very, very long time, honey."

"Everybody saw the pictures?"

"Yeah, honey," Casey said nervously. "But it's okay. It's okay, Jules. I promise you that only the people who absolutely have to see them will see them. I won't let anybody else near them."

"Did you see them?"

"No. And I won't look at them if you don't want me to."

Julia let a few tears fall down her cheeks as she leaned her forehead against her mother's hand. She couldn't believe people were looking at those pictures. She'd thought they'd stay hidden forever. Now people were looking at them. Complete strangers were seeing pictures of her lying naked with Mr. Warren. She didn't want to think about it.

"Honey?"

"I don't want you to see them!" she said quickly. "Please?"

"Then I won't see them," Casey told her. "I won't look at them."

It was that Julia started sobbing. She didn't realize her mother had sat down beside her until she felt arms around her. She leaned into her mother's embrace and cried even harder. "I don't want people to see them," she sobbed. "I don't want everyone to know what I did with him!"

"It's okay," Casey whispered, gently rocking Julia back and forth. Why did life have to be so cruel sometimes? It wasn't fair. "It's okay, honey. I'm right here, and I love you. I love you so, so much."

"I didn't tell you because I didn't want anyone to see them," Julia admitted through her tears. "I knew the pictures were there but I didn't want anyone to see them." She inhaled sharply and looked up. "Are you mad at me?"

Casey closed her eyes and shook her head. "No," she whispered firmly, trying not to cry. "I'm not at all mad at you." She cupped Julia's face and kissed her forehead. "I'm so proud of you. I'm so very, very proud of you."

"W-why aren't you m-mad at me?"

"Because you've done nothing wrong," Casey told her.

"But I knew about the pictures and didn't tell you! I know that you've been really upset because nobody's been able to prove that Beth did anything. I could have told you a long time ago and you wouldn't have had to be upset for so long and –"

"No," Casey said firmly. She tilted Julia's head up and looked into her eyes. "You are so brave, and so strong. You told me what happened with Mr. Jennings. You fought back when you saw what Mr. Warren was doing. You are such an amazing young girl, honey. I love you so much."

"I'm so sorry I didn't tell you."

"It's okay honey," Casey assured her. She gently combed her fingers through Julia's hair as a few stray tears slid down her cheeks. "I'm not mad at you, and I promise you that _nobody_ is going to be mad at you. You didn't do anything wrong, Jules. You didn't do anything wrong."

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"Do you want to talk about it?" Alex asked gently as she and Olivia curled up on the couch together. She could tell that Olivia was using every ounce of strength she had not to cry, and she wanted to make sure she let Olivia know that it was okay to let the tears fall. "Whatever it is, Liv, I'm right here. I'm right here, honey."

"I don't want to lose my job," she said several minutes later. "I'm so scared I'm going to lose it."

"What happened, sweetie?"

Olivia squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head as she reluctantly let the tears fall down her cheeks. She leaned into Alex's chest and started sobbing. "I – I don't – I don't want to – to lose m-my job," she forced out.

"What makes you think you're going to lose your job, honey? Why do you think Cragen's going to let you go?"

"Because I'm…weak," she whispered, looking down into her lap. "I'm too weak."

_What the hell are you talking about_? Alex asked silently. "No, honey. You're not weak. You're not at all –"

"It was pathetic, Alex," Olivia said angrily as she sat up and wiped away her tears. "Elliot and I were chasing a perp and he almost got away because I'm too fucking weak."

Alex went to grab Olivia's hand, but she jerked it away. "Hey," she said firmly. "Don't pull away from me, Liv. What happened? Talk to me. Tell me what happened, honey."

Olivia swallowed and looked away. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, she continued. "We were chasing this guy we suspected of attempted rape and he scaled a fence. Elliot climbed up and over quickly, but I couldn't. I couldn't even get two feet off the ground." She shook her head angrily. "Fucking doctors took a bunch of muscle along with my breasts and now I can't even climb a fucking fence. Elliot hesitated because he wanted me to get over, but I couldn't, so I told him to just get the guy. He almost lost him because he hesitated waiting for me. I almost let a rapist get away."

"Oh, honey," Alex whispered, once again pulling Olivia close. She swallowed hard and leaned her forehead against Olivia's. "I love you so much," she whispered. "You're so strong, Liv. I don't care what anyone else says. You're the strongest damned woman I know."

"I'm not strong enough to climb a six-foot fence."

"Neither am I," Alex said, trying to make Olivia feel a little better. "Maybe if you exercised you could build –"

"They _took_ the muscle, Alex. They took it out of my body. I'm never going to be able to climb a fence again. I'm not going to be able to defend myself against attackers nearly as well. I'm a fucking liability to the force and anybody I'm working with."

Alex didn't know what to say. She had no idea how to help Olivia. In the back of her mind, she knew there was nothing she could do. There was nothing anyone could do. Olivia just needed to work through this and figure out who she was outside of her job. That wasn't something anyone could do for her. It was something she was going to have to do for herself. Still, Alex wished there was something she could do – no matter how small or insignificant it was – to put a smile on Olivia's face.

"Do you think we can spend tomorrow at the beach again?" Olivia asked weakly several minutes later.

"Yeah," Alex said softly. "But I thought you wanted to see Rome once more before we leave. Tomorrow's our last day."

"I know," Olivia whispered. "I want to spend it at the beach with you. We get so distracted when we're sightseeing. I want to spend the last day of our honeymoon _with you_ and not be distracted. I want to spend as little time away from you right now as possible."

Alex looked into Olivia's eyes and nodded. "We'll figure everything out," she promised, pulling Olivia against her. She wasn't sure, but she thought she heard fear in Olivia's voice. Hearing Olivia say that she wanted to spend as little time as possible away from her right now made her feel loved, but at the same time, it worried her. It almost sounded like Olivia thought she was going to leave once they got home. "It's going to be okay, honey. We'll spend the day at the beach tomorrow. I'll hold you in my arms and feed you chocolate-covered strawberries. We'll build cheesy, pathetic sandcastles. We'll chase each other like we did that first day. Then we'll come home, and we'll figure everything out." She lightly kissed the top of Olivia's head and combed her fingers through her hair. "I'm here to stay, Liv," she whispered softly. "No matter what happens when we get home, I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere."

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So yeah, tell me if you're getting alerts when I update…

Pretty please?


	53. You Turned Me Into One

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

Y'all are gonna make me cry with all your wonderful reviews. I can't believe I'm over 400! Wow…that's crazy. I definitely didn't think I'd ever get this many.

And thanks for all the reviews for the last chapter. I'm definitely continuing the story, no matter how many reviews I get. I swear it's my therapy. I'd go crazy without it. I only said something because I was worried the alerts were down again…thankfully they're not though, at least for the time being ;-p

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"I think this is the most beautiful beach in the world," Olivia whispered as she tilted her head up and smiled into Alex's eyes. She reached up and gently stroked Alex's cheek. "You're so beautiful," she said softly. "I love you so much. Thank you."

Alex furrowed her eyebrows and cocked her head. "For what?"

"For being you," Olivia answered simply.

"Yeah?"

"You have no idea," Olivia told her as she sat up so they could look at each other at eye level. It was hard trying to come up with the right words to tell Alex how she felt. She knew exactly what she was feeling, but no words seemed adequate. She took a deep breath and tried to smile instead of cry. "Alex, you are…you're everything I could ever ask for and more. You're just…" her voice drifted off and she shook her head. "There are no words to describe just how much you mean to me."

Alex smiled and leaned her forehead against Olivia's. "You're my everything," she whispered to her. "I know you're scared," she told her. "I'm scared for you, but I want you to really, truly understand that _nothing_ is ever going to change between us. I don't care if you never climb another fence in your entire life. I love you. I. Love. You." She smiled warmly and cupped Olivia's face. "I want to have fun today. I want to chase you down the beach and go swimming and make stupid sandcastles and throw sand at each other and…" she sighed happily. "I just want to have fun."

"Me, too."

"Good," Alex said definitively as she pulled Olivia up and playfully smacked her stomach. "You're it!" she yelled and took off down the beach. She laughed and turned around, surprised to see Olivia standing in the same spot. "Well you're supposed to come catch me!"

Olivia laughed and shook her head. "Oh, I'll catch you. I'll catch you and I'll tackle you. You'll regret the day you ever tagged Olivia Benson!" With that, she took off after Alex, laughing the entire way.

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Jess walked into the house at nearly seven o'clock feeling tired and disgusting. She'd had a meeting with a client, and it couldn't have gone any worse. They wanted her to make a brochure for their steel plant, and had insisted on meeting at the factory. It was hot, it was loud, and the people she met with were rude. They hadn't wanted any of her input, and had insisted that she find a way to make all the information they had given her fit in their nine-by-twelve-inch tri-fold brochure. She had repeatedly told them that the only way she could fit it all would be to make the fonts smaller, which had angered them even more. Finally, they'd agreed to allow her to make the fonts smaller as long as she promised to put everything in the brochure. She'd left the factory angry and was not at all in the mood to come home and fix dinner.

"You look hungry," Allen said as soon as she walked into the house. He smiled as she dropped her briefcase and her jaw. "When I realized your meeting was going to run late, I decided to fix you a nice dinner so you didn't have to worry about it."

"You cooked me dinner?" she asked, her eyes watering slightly. It wasn't that surprising for him to cook her dinner, but sometimes when she came home late, she had to put it in the microwave for a while. "And you kept it hot for me?"

He walked over to her and grabbed her hand. "I wanted to eat with you," he said, leading her to the table and pulling out her chair for her. "The twins are fed, bathed, and asleep. I knew how much you were dreading this meeting, especially since you knew they weren't going to be nice. I cooked chicken cordon bleu for you."

"Chicken cordon…" she started, her voice drifting off as he lifted the lid from the plate and showed her the meal. "Allen, I swear you spoil me way too much. You're too good to me."

"Nonsense." He smiled as he dished out her dinner, then his own.

"Well you do spoil me."

"Only because you deserve to be spoiled."

She laughed modestly and took a bite of her chicken. Moaning in enjoyment, she looked up and smiled. "This is delicious, Allen. I really needed this after the day I had. Those steel workers are brutal."

He took a bite of his chicken and smiled proudly. "This is pretty good, if I do say so myself. I wasn't sure how it was going to turn out."

"It's fantastic."

"Cheers," he said, holding up his wine glass. "To a fantastic dinner for a fantastic wife."

She laughed and clinked her glass against his. "To a fantastic husband."

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"Everybody's going to have to see those pictures, Steve," Casey said softly as she climbed into bed with him that night. She'd briefly mentioned to him the basic details of what had happened that day. Now she was dreading going to sleep. "I didn't look at them, and she asked me not to. I think I'm going to just stay as far away from them as possible. I guess if Alex has to show them in the courtroom, I'll be in there with Julia, but if she can get away with either not doing it or doing it while Julia's not there, then I won't see them."

"Come here, honey," Steve said softly, pulling her against him and combing his fingers through her hair. He hated seeing her like this. "I love you," he whispered. "We're going to get through this together, honey."

"She's just so scared," Casey cried, the tears pouring down her cheeks. "She knows the trial's coming up and she knows that means a lot of people are going to see those pictures." She sighed and nervously bit her lower lip. "I can't even begin to imagine what she's feeling. I mean, if it were me and I knew people were going to be staring at pictures of me like…like that, I don't know what I'd do. I just…she's twelve fucking years old, Steve! She shouldn't have to deal with this!"

"No, she shouldn't," he agreed. "But the truth is, she does have to deal with this. And as shitty as this is, we have to help her through it. We have to be strong for her so she can finally have some peace in her life. Don't you think she deserves that?"

Casey nodded and wiped away her tears. "Yeah," she whispered sadly. "We have to get her through this, Steve. Her birthday's going to fall in the middle of the damn trial, so maybe we should do something special for her before everything starts. Then we'll have a huge celebration when it's all over."

He laughed lightly and squeezed her close. "Be careful who you're around when you're saying that. You know Jess'll fly us all out to Disney World or something if we're not careful."

She managed a grateful smile as she rested her head against his chest. "I would absolutely love to take her to Disney World. It's just that, with all the time I'm taking off work so I can be with her, I just don't think it's possible right now. We don't really have the money."

"Case, if you want us to go to Disney World, I'm sure you could borrow the money from Jess. You remember how she loaned Liv all that money for the cruise. She'd be more than happy to do it."

"I don't know…"

"She'd still love you," he told her. "She loves to help people out when they need it."

"I know she does. She's a good kid."

"Yes she is."

Casey sighed. "I just feel weird asking her."

"Well," he said, pushing her hair out of her face and meeting her eyes. "If you don't feel comfortable asking her, just mention how you've always wanted to take Julia to Disney World. Talk about it a little and maybe it'll come up that we don't have the money."

"That seems a little sneaky."

"Honey, it's Jess we're talking about. She's going to want to help us do this. Trust me when I say that she'd be pissed if we went and asked some bank for a loan. You know she'd hate to see us paying interest."

"You're right."

"I know I'm right. Talk to her, Case. We owe it to Julia to do everything in our power to prove our love and support. This trial is going to be rough as hell, and she's going to deserve one big-ass celebration when it's all over."

"Okay," Casey said, sighing. "I'll talk to her."

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"I wish we could have just stayed there forever," Olivia said as she and Alex began walking towards the aisle to their seats on the plane. They had to stop just as they entered the first class section because so many people were trying to put their luggage in the overhead compartments. She squeezed Alex's hand and smiled. "Thanks for splurging on the first class seats. It's going to make the long flight a lot easier."

Alex smiled and shrugged as she and Olivia inched closer to their seats. "You said you'd never flown first class before. I figured I'd let you know how nice it can be." She shook her head and looked back at Olivia. "Besides, you paid for just about everything else. I wanted to chip in for something."

They arrived at their seats and Alex quickly scooted in to the window seat. She didn't have anything to put in the overhead bin, so she sat down and eagerly looked out the window. She thought she heard Olivia mumble something so she turned, frowning to see Olivia barely able to lift her bag to chest level. "Here," she said softly, standing and taking Olivia's bag. "I got, Liv. Why don't you take the window seat? I had it on the flight over here."

Olivia nodded in defeat and angrily sat down, refusing to watch as Alex easily lifted the bag and put it into the compartment. She shook her head and kept her gaze focused out the window as Alex sat down and took her hand. "I should have been able to do that," she mumbled.

"It's okay, honey," Alex whispered, gently squeezing Olivia's hand once more. She hated to see Olivia like this. Olivia always prided herself on being the strong, tough woman everybody knew her to be. Now that she realized just how much muscle had been removed, she losing what she thought everybody loved about her. "I love you," she whispered into Olivia's ear. She could feel Olivia's body trembling beside her, and as she watched a few tears fall down Olivia's cheek, she leaned over and kissed the back of her head. "Everything's going to be okay, Liv, I promise. Everything's going to be okay."

It was then that the stewardess came by and gently placed a hand on Alex's shoulder. She looked up and smiled. Before she could say anything, the stewardess asked her something in Italian. Alex shook her head to indicate she didn't understand. "She hates flying," she tried, hoping the woman would understand. Even though Olivia had no fear of flying, Alex didn't want to bring any unwanted attention to her. Olivia hated to have anyone see her cry.

The woman smiled warmly and nodded understandingly. "I can bring you…um, pillow and…blanket?" she asked, trying desperately to remember the English words. "That is okay?"

Alex smiled gratefully. "That would be great. Thank you." She turned back to Olivia once the stewardess had left. Nothing she could say would really help her, so instead she just leaned against her and rubbed her fingers through her hair. The stewardess returned quickly with the blanket and pillow, and Alex immediately placed the pillow under Olivia's head and wrapped the blanket around the two of them. As the plane took off, she leaned her head onto Olivia's shoulder and quietly began to hum the tune to _You'll Always be Beautiful in My Eyes_, praying that it helped Olivia relax at least a little.

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"So, let me get this straight," Cragen said to Elliot, Munch, and Fin once Beth Ripling had been escorted to her cell. "Ripling and both Warrens don't want to even talk about a plea? They want to go to trial and risk getting a much longer sentence?"

"Yeah," Elliot said, breathing out angrily. "They want to make those girls face them and describe in detail everything that happened."

Munch shook his head and frowned. "I think I've officially lost faith in humanity."

"I thought you lost that faith a long time ago," Fin said, making a futile attempt at a joke – anything to lessen uneasy atmosphere in the room. "Did you find it and lose it again?"

"I just think that with all the evidence we have, we should just be able to lock the three of them up for the rest of their lives. There's no reason Julia, Grace, and Abigail should have to go through the trauma of a trial."

"We all wish things could go that way," Elliot said. He was about to continue when Cragen's phone rang. The three of them watched as Cragen talked. Judging from the expression on their captain's face, he was receiving some very important information. "Cap?" Elliot asked once Cragen put the phone back in the cradle. "Everything okay?"

"That was the lab," he said softly, completely in awe of what he had just been told. "They found fingerprints on several of the photographs. They're a match to Beth Ripling's. We got her, guys. We finally got her."

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"So you think it's a good idea?" Jess asked anxiously as she waited for Casey to arrive. She had just talked to Allen about an idea she'd been mulling over for the past few weeks. "You don't think it's too crazy?"

"I never said that," Allen joked. "But all of our friends are used to your crazy ideas. I think Casey'll be pretty surprised though. She definitely won't see this one coming."

"Good," she said, and hurriedly pushed him towards the twins' room. "Casey's going to be here any minute and both of them need to be fed. I really don't want to be interrupted while I'm talking to Casey about this."

He rolled his eyes and laughed. "I'll keep them quiet, don't worry."

Before she could answer, the doorbell rang. She bit her lower lip nervously and hesitated for a moment. "I don't think I realized how nervous I was until I heard that bell just now."

"Go talk to her, honey. She's going to be so happy to hear what you want to do for everyone."

"I hope so," she answered nervously as she hurried downstairs and opened the door. "Hey, sorry I had to get Allen set up with the twins," she said apologetically. "Next time you should just walk right on in. You're practically family anyway."

Casey laughed and walked inside. "Yeah, and find you and Allen having wild hot monkey sex on the couch? I don't think so."

Jess blushed and closed the door. "Our couch has not been christened yet nor is it going to be any time soon."

"Yeah, okay," Casey joked. "So why'd you invite me over anyway?"

"What?" Jess asked, pretending to be offended. "A girl can't invite one of her best friends over for lunch without there being some sort of catch or something?" She smiled and shook her head in defeat. "Okay, yeah, there's something I want to talk to you about. Let's get our lunch and go sit down on the patio. It's a really nice day."

Casey furrowed her eyebrows. "Is it something bad?"

"No," Jess answered softly. "Let's just get out onto the patio. Then I'll tell you everything."

They were out on the patio fifteen minutes later, both sitting down nervously and avoiding eye contact. Jess was scared of bringing up her idea, and Casey was scared that Jess had something bad to tell her. Finally, she couldn't take the silence any longer. Sitting her fork down and looking up, Casey sighed. "Jess, if you've got something to tell me, just do it."

Jess hesitated briefly. "Okay," she said softly. "I didn't originally plan on telling you everything, but I figure you have a right to know." She sighed and looked up. "When Julia babysat for us the other night, things didn't go nearly as well as she had hoped they would. She'd only been up there maybe an hour when Allen and I heard a loud crash. We ran up and found Christopher strapped to the changing table, covered in poop, and one of the tables of pictures knocked over and broken frames all over the floor. Julia ran to the corner because she was so scared."

Casey's eyes widened. She'd known that something had happened, but she hadn't ever found out what that something was. "Jess, what happened? Why was she so scared of you and Allen?"

"She, um…she had left Alexa over by the funhouse mirror while she strapped Christopher in to change him. She heard Alexa squeal right after she strapped Chris in, and when she turned around, Alexa was about to pull the table on top of herself. I guess when she ran over to catch Alexa, Chris managed to take his diaper off and smear poop all over himself." She smiled and shook her head. "She ran to the corner as soon as Allen and I got t here – I guess she was scared we were going to punish her. She was pretty scared of Allen, so he grabbed Christopher and took him to get cleaned up. Julia and I went downstairs and talked for a while. I assured her she wasn't in trouble and told her how proud I was that she'd kept my babies safe, but she was still pretty upset."

Casey forced herself to swallow her salad and frowned. "She's always convinced that when something happens – even if it's something that's out of her control – she's going to get in trouble. I'm trying to get her to see that we're not going to punish her for things that aren't her fault, but I'm having kind of a hard time doing that."

"Well whatever it is you're doing, keep doing it," Jess told her. "She calmed down pretty quickly and even insisted that I allow Allen to come downstairs and watch the movie with us."

"Wow," Casey said in surprise.

Jess smiled warmly. "She's a good kid, Case, and you're doing an amazing job with her."

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"Home sweet home," Alex said happily as she and Olivia dropped their bags on the living room floor and collapsed onto the couch. "As much fun as we had, it feels kinda good to be back here again."

"It does," Olivia agreed softly. She smiled warmly and leaned in to kiss Alex. "I think last week was the happiest week of my life," she told her. "Spending that week – just the two of us – seeing Rome, lying around on the beach…just, being together and not having to worry about anything…" she sighed and leaned her head on Alex's shoulder. "It was amazing."

Alex hugged her close. "I didn't want it to end. Seeing you in that red bathing suit, lying on the beach and eating chocolate covered strawberries…" she laughed and bit her lower lip playfully. "I had so much fun, Liv. You make me so happy."

Hearing the joy in Alex's voice made Olivia's heart sing with happiness. To know that she was part of making that woman happy was an incredible feeling. "Hey, Alex?" she asked several minutes later.

"Yeah, babe?"

She hesitated for a moment, not really sure how to begin. "If, um…my um…my strength test is in two days," she started slowly. She swallowed and fiddled with her hands in her lap. "I've been kind of…mentally preparing myself for the worst. I mean, I'm going to try my best. I don't want to lose my job, but I'm kind of starting to try to get to the point where I won't be devastated if I do lose it."

"I'm glad to hear that," Alex said softly. "You know Cragen doesn't _want_ to let you go, right? You know he loves you. Plus, you have got to be the best damned detective he's ever had."

That comment brought a smile to Olivia's face. "I know," she whispered. "I just…if I do lose it, I don't want to just sit around here and waste my life away. I want to actually _do_ something." She looked up and chuckled. "I don't want you to bring home all the money."

"You know that I make more than enough to support us," Alex told her. "If you need to take some time off, take it. You don't _have_ to work, honey…not if you don't want to."

"That's just it though," Olivia said sadly. "I _want_ to work. I want to do something. I can't just sit around all day doing nothing."

"Okay," Alex said eagerly as she pulled her legs up underneath her and turned to face Olivia. She smiled warmly and excitedly took her hands. "What do you think you want to do?"

Olivia shrugged her shoulders. "I have no idea."

"Well…what do you think you'd like to do? Don't tell me exact job, just describe the kind of stuff you like and we'll go from there."

"I think what I liked most about my job is that I helped victims become survivors," she admitted quietly. "I absolutely loved seeing them finally realizing that they had the power to put their attackers in jail." She smiled in embarrassment and shrugged her shoulders. "It always made me feel really good to see them up there on the stand."

Alex smiled warmly. "Can I make a suggestion?"

"Please do. I'm all ears."

"Become a victim's advocate."

Olivia furrowed her eyebrows and shook her head. "Do you really think I'd be any good at that?"

"Are you kidding?" Alex asked in disbelief. She squeezed Olivia's hands and nodded quickly. "Liv, you'd be amazing at it. You have the incredible ability to make people feel safe whenever they're around you. I was so scared when I started to tell you about what happened to me. Then I looked into your eyes, and I knew everything was going to be okay. You can turn victims into survivors, Liv."

"Yeah?" Olivia asked, suddenly liking the sound of this new possibility. She desperately wanted to keep her job, and she would definitely be upset if she lost it, but now that she started thinking about becoming a victim's advocate, she realized that her life wouldn't be over if she no longer worked at the one-six.

"You are an incredible woman, Olivia. I would have done anything to have had someone there with me when I was thirteen. I didn't have anybody, Liv. When these people report their attacks, they need someone – anyone – to be with them. _You_ could be that someone, Liv."

Olivia took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I actually…kind of…like that idea."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I mean, I hate to think about losing my job, but this actually sounds like something I'd like to do."

Alex wrapped her arms around her and pulled her close. "You'd be one hell of a good advocate, too. You make it really easy for people to talk to you. There's no doubt in my mind that you'd succeed in that."

Olivia squeezed Alex tight and wiped away her tears. "Thank you," she whispered. "I think I needed to really see that my entire life wouldn't fall apart if I lost my job."

"It won't fall apart," Alex promised. "No matter what happens, you'll still have your family, honey. You'll still turn victims into survivors just like you've always done…" She smiled warmly and met Olivia's eyes. "You turned me into one."

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"So what's the real reason you invited me over here today?" Casey asked once all the dishes were loaded into the dishwasher. She nervously followed Jess back out onto the back porch and sat down in one of the lounge chairs. "Is something wrong?"

"No, nothing's wrong," Jess said quickly. She sighed and looked up. "You have one hell of an amazing daughter, Casey. What she did the other night – how she handled everything – it was incredible. I felt so bad. I mean, it was her first babysitting job and I left her with nine-month-old twins. She just handled herself so well, Case."

Casey sighed and nodded sadly. "She's used to having a ton of little kids around her. She told me she had to take care of them a lot while she was in foster care. She has a lot more practice than most girls her age."

"I just…I really wanted to get her a welcome to your new home present or something, but my life kind of fell apart around the time she moved in with you. I still really want to get her something, so I talked to Allen about it. I was kinda sorta wondering if maybe I could go all out and send the entire family out to Disney World."

Casey wasn't sure if she heard Jess correctly. Did she just say Disney World? _I swear to God, Steve, if you talked to her I'm going to kill you_. She shook her head in disbelief. "Disney World?"

"I know it's kind of big, but for one, if anybody deserves to celebrate in Disney World, it's Julia. Plus, I really need an excuse to get my ass out there. I've never been and I'm dying to go."

Casey looked up and swallowed hard. "Can I tell you something?" she asked, biting her lip nervously and waiting for Jess to nod. "This morning, Steve and I were talking about what to do once this whole trial was over. I told him how much I really want to take her to Disney World, but I just don't really have the money. I was actually trying to get up the courage to ask you if I could borrow some."

Jess furrowed her eyebrows and shook her head. "All you have to do is ask, Case. I have a hell of a lot of money and I donate a hell of a lot of it. I also keep a lot so I can spoil myself and my friends. If you ever need to borrow some, please ask me. I'll give it to you in a heartbeat and you'll never have to pay any interest."

"I really want this to come from me," Casey told her. "I'm going to be taking a lot of time off in the next few months, which means I won't be bringing in any money. I just…I really want this trip to Disney World to come from me."

Jess thought for a few minutes, then looked up and smiled. "Well then how about I pay for you and Steve and everyone else. Then you and Steve can pay for Julia. That way, her trip really will come from you, but you won't have to pay for the three of you to get out there. Does that sound okay?"

Casey fought the tears as she nodded slowly. "Thank you," she whispered. "That sounds really great. Julia will be so excited. I'll pay you back as soon as I can, I promise. I don't know how much, or when I'll be able to get it, but I promise –"

"What you can when you can," Jess said firmly as she leaned over and pulled Casey into a hug. "There's no interest, and there's no time frame. Focus on your daughter, Casey. Tell her that you're taking her to Disney World when this is all over, and tell her that her _entire_ family will be coming with her."

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	54. Good News Bad News

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

If the instant messenger conversation towards the end is hard to follow, let me know. I can make their names bold or make what they're saying italic…or something. If you've got an idea let me know. Or if it's easy to follow, let me know, too. I really tried to make it look like two twelve-year-olds were talking, so the grammar in that part sucks. It was also incredibly painful to write ;-p

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Casey gently knocked on Julia's door and waited to be invited in before opening it and walking into the room. "Hey, you," she said happily as she plopped down on the bed. "How's the homework coming?"

"It's okay," Julia said, shrugging uncomfortably as she kept her eyes focused on her math book. She was afraid that if she looked up, her mother would see that she was lying.

"Oh yeah?" Casey asked suspiciously. She gently nudged Julia and smiled knowingly. "You've been up here for nearly thirty minutes and you're still on the first problem. Do you need any help?"

Julia hesitated momentarily before slowly shaking her head. "No, I've got it," she answered quietly, praying for her mother to see through her lies. "I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually."

"Honey, look up at me for a second," Casey said softly. She waited for nearly one full minute before taking the pencil from her unresponsive daughter. When Julia sighed and slowly raised her head, Casey wrapped an arm around her. "It's okay to ask for help, Jules." She swallowed hard and nodded. "I wish I'd had someone to ask for help with my homework when I was your age."

Julia furrowed her eyebrows and bit her lower lip. "Your parents didn't help you?"

"Nope," Casey answered sadly. "They weren't home often enough to do much with me at all, so I was stuck doing it all on my own. I managed to get through, but I know my grades would have been a lot better if I'd had someone to help me."

"They weren't home to spend time with you?" Julia asked, concerned. "If your parents didn't spend time with you, why are you spending time with me?" she asked. _I thought kids were supposed to turn out like their parents_.

"Because I promised myself that I would never do to my child what they did to me." She smiled warmly and combed her fingers through Julia's hair. "I love you to pieces and I want to spend as much time with you as humanly possible."

"Would you be mad if I needed help?"

"Not at all," Casey assured her. She leaned over so she could see Julia's math book over her shoulder and began reading aloud. "The weekly milk order for the Tranquility Inn includes 40 gallons of low-fat milk and 15 gallons of chocolate milk. What is the ratio of the number of low-fat gallons to chocolate gallons in the Tranquility Inn's weekly milk order?" She shook her head in confusion, and then read the question twice more before finally understanding it. "Math never was my strong spot."

"But you understand it," Julia mumbled angrily as she sighed in defeat.

"I didn't at first," she said, taking out a blank sheet of paper. "Here, watch what I do. It's a ratio, see? 40 : 15. Think of it kind of like a fraction, only instead of reducing it, we're just finding a common number." She paused for a second and realized that Julia was still confused. "Okay, what number goes into both 40 and 15?"

"I don't know," Julia said, ready to give up.

"Yes you do," Casey encouraged gently. "Think about it. You can do this, Jules. You're smart. You've got this one."

Julia looked down at the math book in front of her and thought hard. She wasn't used to receiving encouragement from people. The last several times she'd asked one of her foster parents for help, they'd berated her. This was something new for her. "Is it, um…is it five?"

"You got it," Casey said proudly. "Now, divide five into both numbers and you'll get the ratio."

"8 : 3?" she asked hopefully.

"Yep. I knew you could do it."

Julia smiled happily as she quickly jotted down the answer, making sure to show all her work so she'd get full credit. "I looked at the next one and I think I got it, but do you think you could make sure I did it right?"

"Absolutely. Show me whatcha got."

"A certain map uses a scale of one inch equals twenty-five miles," she said, reading from her book. "How many miles are represented by five inches on this map?" She looked up and took a deep breath. "I did five times twenty-five and got 125. Is that right?"

Casey nodded happily. "It's absolutely correct." She smiled warmly and met her daughter's eyes. "You've got this math thing down way better than I did when I was your age. I still have trouble with stuff like this. Math is not my forte."

Julia laughed. "It's not my for…thing either."

"Forte," Casey corrected. "It means your strong suit."

"Oh, well it's not my forte either."

"Well how about we take a break from this math homework and go downstairs to eat some dinner? I've got some pretty big news that I know you're going to love, so hurry up. I don't want to keep Steve waiting."

"Big news?" Julia asked worriedly. She hated surprises. Even though, deep down, she knew Casey and Steve would never surprise her with something terrible, she was still scared any time anyone told her they needed to talk to her about something.

"Yeah," Casey answered. "Big news…_Good_ news, I promise."

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Alex looked at the information that had been dropped off in her office several days earlier. She'd been on her honeymoon when the clerk had dropped it off, so it had been sitting there for longer than she'd expected it to. As she opened the box, she realized that it was going to be damn near impossible to focus on what was inside. Today was Olivia's field test. If she didn't pass, she'd lose her job. _You should have just let me come with you_, Alex scolded her silently. _I hate that you're doing this alone_.

"Holy shit, you guys actually got her," she said as she pulled out the file with all the photographs. She had to close her eyes and take several deep breaths as she came to the pictures of the girls and Warren. She swallowed hard and pushed them aside, afraid that if she looked at them for too long, she'd have a panic attack.

This was turning more and more into a slam-dunk case. As she looked over all the interviews that had been done with the Warrens and Beth, and then with the three girls, she knew she had it in the bag. It wasn't going to be easy asking those girls to describe what happened, but it had to be done. _They've got support_, she reminded herself. _Remember how much support you had. They've got a lot of it, too_. She licked her lips and nodded as she pulled out her notepad. "Let's just get this fucking thing over with so we can move on," she mumbled as she began jotting down her notes.

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"I bought the tickets and everything," Jess said at dinner that night. She smiled at Allen's shocked expression. "I know we only just talked about it, but I checked with Casey and made sure to do it during Julia's winter break. Then I talked to Alex and she promised to keep those nine days open."

Allen licked his lips in surprise and shook his head. "You…Jess…there are no words for you," he said. He laughed as their eyes met and his smile grew. "You are by far the most caring, down-to-earth…filthy rich woman I know." He leaned over across the table and kissed her. "And I love you so much."

"I love you, too, babe."

He sat back and noticed something in her eyes. It was gone in an instant – so quick he wasn't even sure if he'd actually seen it. Still, he felt something tugging on his insides, telling him that there was something bothering his wife. The feeling had actually been plaguing him for a while now, but he'd kept putting it off. _Now's as good a time as any_, he told himself. "Hey, Jess?" he said softly.

"Yeah?"

He hesitated momentarily, inhaling deeply and biting his lower lip. "I, um, I've been thinking for a while now and I really hope you don't take this the wrong way…" his voice drifted off as he watched her put her fork down and look up at him with confusion all over her face. He swallowed hard and continued. "I've started noticing just how much money you spend on all of your friends…"

She furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, completely unaware of what he was trying to tell her. "What's your point?" She wasn't angry, but she wanted to know exactly what he was getting at.

"I just…you pay for way more than your share of things," he started slowly and softly. He felt like he was walking on eggshells, trying desperately to say the right thing without offending her. "I know how much you love every single one of us – the entire extended family we've been so blessed to have – but it's…" he shook his head and tried to clear his thoughts.

"Allen, just come out and say it already."

He looked up and met her eyes for the first time since they'd started this discussion. "I just don't want you to think that just because you have all this money that you have to be the one who pays all the time."

"What?"

She didn't sound angry, but she also didn't sound like she was taking his comments well. "We all love you," he told her firmly. He smiled warmly and tried desperately to meet her eyes. When he realized she wasn't going to let him do that, he frowned. "Jess, you are loved by so many people, honey. You have no idea how much you mean to every single one of us. We all love that you want to take us out to dinner all the time and fly us all out to Disney World." He reached over and took her hands in his, giving them a gentle squeeze. "I want to give you a challenge. I want you to go two whole months without buying any of us anything."

"You want me to what?" she asked, trying desperately to mask her fear.

He squeezed her hands again before standing up and walking around to sit in the chair next to her. Smiling warmly when she finally met his eyes, he nodded encouragingly. "I want you to see that you don't have to buy our love, honey. I want you to understand that we don't love you because you have money. We love you because you're you."

Her lower lip was trembling. She could feel it before she could stop it. As soon as his arms were wrapped around her, the tears started falling. "You guys really feel like I'm trying to buy your friendship?"

"No," he said warmly. "We know that's not what you're trying to do. I just feel like maybe it really is – in a way – what you're trying to do. I…" he sighed as he tried to think about what to say. "I know how much you love spoiling everybody around you, and trust me when I tell you that we love it, too. It's just that, sometimes, you've gotta let us pay for some things. Let us pay for dinner sometimes. Let us treat you to the movies or mini golfing or whatever else it is that we do." He brushed the hair out of her face and kissed her lightly. "Let us spoil you."

She frowned and looked away. It was scary to think about suddenly and without warning no longer paying for everybody else. She didn't want anything to change in her relationships. "Everyone's so used to me paying for everything. How do you think they'll react when –"

"It won't change a thing."

"Promise?"

He pulled her close and combed his fingers through her hair. "I promise."

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Julia sat down at the dinner table and pushed her food around on her plate. She could feel her parents' eyes focusing in on her, and she was terrified of looking up at them. They had news for her. They claimed it was good news, but was it good news for her, or just them? She didn't want to think about it. She didn't want to think about all the horrible possibilities there were.

"Honey," Casey whispered softly. She knew how anxious Julia was, but she still couldn't wipe the excited grin off her face. She knew this was going to be such a welcomed celebration for her daughter. "I talked to Aunt Jess and then I talked to Aunt Liv and Aunt Alex. We all decided that once this trial is over…actually, during your winter break next year…we're going to Disney World."

"We're what?" she asked hesitantly as she very slowly looked up at her parents. Her eyes widened when she saw that they were smiling happily – they weren't lying to her and they weren't giving her bad news. "We're going to Disney World?"

Steve nodded eagerly. "Yep. You, your mom, me, Aunt Liv and Aunt Alex, Aunt Jess and Uncle Allen and the twins…all of us. We even decided that you can bring a friend with you if you'd like."

Her eyes widened even more as she turned to her mom. "I can…I can bring a friend, too?"

"You sure can," she told her happily. She'd talked to Jess on the phone briefly earlier that morning and had begged to borrow a little more money to allow one of Julia's friends to join them. Luckily, Jess had happily added one more to their plan. "You can bring anybody you want."

"Can…can I bring Kristen?" she asked softly.

Casey grinned. "You may absolutely bring Kristen. I'll call her mother tomorrow to see what she says. We'll go over all the details and everything."

Julia nervously chewed her bottom lip. "Kristen's parents don't have a lot of money. I don't know if they'll be able to afford –"

"We've got it covered," Casey quickly interrupted. She was going to be paying Jess back for Julia and Kristen's costs. Jess would be paying for everyone else. "Kristen's parents won't have to pay a single dime."

"OH MY GOD!" Julia screamed as she leapt from her chair and ran over to Casey, throwing her arms around her. She was jumping up and down as she hugged her mother, and she nearly knocked the chair over. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"

Casey laughed and wrapped her arms around her daughter. "You're welcome, sweetie. I love you so much. Your birthday's going to fall right smack in the middle of this trial and I know that after it's all over, you're going to deserve one hell of a celebration. Nine days in Florida sounds like a good one to me."

"I know I'm excited," Steve chimed in, grinning in surprise when Julia threw her arms around him. He gently returned the hug and pulled her close. "I can't think of anybody who deserves it more than you, kiddo."

"Can I go upstairs and tell Kristen?"

Casey and Steve both nodded and ushered her upstairs. "Just promise not to stay on too late," Casey warned her. "You've got school in the morning and I do _not_ have time to drive you in late."

Julia laughed as she took off for the stairs. "I won't make you take me in late, I promise!" Just as she rounded the corner and reached the stairs, she stopped. _Did that really just happen? Did they really just tell me we're going to Disney World?_ She turned back and ran into the kitchen, laughing in embarrassment when she saw her parents' confused faces. "Sorry," she mumbled. "I just wanted to make sure our conversation really happened."

"It did," Steve told her proudly. "We're really going to Disney World, honey. It's really happening."

"Yay!" she squealed excitedly as she turned and ran back to the stairs, leaving her amused parents in the dining room. This was by far one of the happiest moments of her life, and she couldn't wait to tell Kristen the good news.

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JulesForYou: OMG Kristen u will _never_ believe what just happened!

Kristen101: What? r u okay?

JulesForYou: lol, yeah, im fine. im actually really great.

Kristen101: well thats good.

JulesForYou: yep

Kristen101: so whats the big news?

JulesForYou: …

Kristen101: jules? u still there…

Kristen101: okay its been like five minutes where r u?

Kristen101: Julia??

JulesForYou: ur my best friend.

Kristen101: oooookaayyy. ur my best friend too. r u sure everythings ok?

JulesForYou: im positive. im just really excited right now and im so happy.

Kristen101: why r u so happy?

JulesForYou: before i tell u why im happy, can i tell u something else?

Kristen101: yeah

JulesForYou: ok. its not gonna be easy tho.

Kristen101: thats ok just take ur time.

JulesForYou: u know ur the only person besides my family that knows what happened to me right?

Kristen101: i know. and u know i think its really cool that ur doing the trial right?

JulesForYou: yeah and thats why ur my best friend…cuz u dont care about what happened to me. u dont look at me different.

Kristen101: of course i dont. ur fun to hang out with and we get along really well and always laugh…what that guy did to u was bad but it wasnt ur fault so why should i like u any less cuz he hurt u?

JulesForYou: its just hard sometimes cuz im scared of what people r gonna think about me when they find out what happened. i just dont want people to look at me funny or anything.

Kristen101: i dont look at u funny.

JulesForYou: i know u dont and that's why ur my best friend in the world.

Kristen101: jules what r u trying to tell me?

JulesForYou: its really exciting.

Kristen101: u already said that. what is it?

JulesForYou: …

JulesForYou: …

JulesForYou: …

JulesForYou: …

Kristen101: OH JUST SAY IT ALREADY!

JulesForYou: how would u like to go to disney world over xmas break?

Kristen101: what?

JulesForYou: yep. u, me, my mom and dad, my aunt jess and uncle allen and their twins, and my aunts liv and alex. im pretty sure u already met all of them before so i know theyre all gonna be cool with it. what do u think?

Kristen101: it sounds expensive.

JulesForYou: my moms paying for it. u dont have to pay anything.

Kristen101: ur moms paying for me too??

JulesForYou: yep. shes borrowing money from my aunt jess cuz shes crazy rich, but shes paying her back. she doesnt know i know so dont say anything. i know she cant afford this trip so shes borrowing it but thats ok. shes still paying for it shes just taking out a loan.

Kristen101: she wants to take u and me to disney world and i don't have to pay for any of it???

JulesForYou: yep! shes gonna call your mom tomorrow so dont say anything to her either. I just wanted to let you know instead of ur mom. do u wanna do it? i think wed have a lot of fun.

Kristen101: r u sure ur mom can pay for me too?

JulesForYou: absolutely positively.

Kristen101: u and me r gonna go to disney world together?

JulesForYou: yep.

Kristen101: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! im screaming right now!

JulesForYou: dont scream!

Kristen101: y not?

JulesForYou: cuz ur mom'll hear and wonder whats going on. i want my mom to talk to her b4 u talk to her. if she hears it from u then she might think its a joke or something.

Kristen101: well then can i scream in the computer?

JulesForYou: sure.

Kristen101: thanks.

Kristen101: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JulesForYou: lol well im gonna go to bed so i dont oversleep but ill see u in class tomorrow and remember to keep it a secret and act surprised when ur mom tells u when u get home after school.

Kristen101: got it. good night.

JulesForYou: good night.

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"Elliot, wait a second," Olivia said quietly just as he reached the door. She knew that every member of the squad was waiting just outside. They were all there to cheer her on. They all wanted her to pass. They were there to support her. It made her heart sing with joy to know that she had them in her life. She knew every single one of them would take a bullet for her in a heartbeat, and she was pretty sure she'd do the same for them. They were her family, and she loved each and every one of them.

"What's up, Liv?" Elliot asked, turning from the door and facing her. "Don't tell me you're nervous. You've got this, Liv. You're gonna pass with flying colors and be back with me in no time."

"I'm not doing it," she said quickly, averting her eyes before he could meet them. She didn't want to see the disappointment she knew he must have been feeling. It would break her heart to see him look at her that way.

"You're – you're not doing it? What do you mean you're not doing it?"

She shook her head and looked down the hallway – the one she'd walked down nearly every single day of her life. Swallowing hard, she took a deep breath and turned back around to face him. "I can't pass the test, El. I can't even do one single chin-up. There's no way I'm going to pass that test."

He shook his head in disbelief. "You can't quit," he said desperately. "We need you here, Olivia. You're a vital part of this squad. We're a family. You're our family."

"You think I don't know that?" she asked, tears pouring down her face. "You think I want to quit? You guys are the only family I've ever known and it is killing me to know that I'm no longer going to be a part of it."

"Olivia, you'll always be part of this family," he whispered gently, pulling her into a tight hug and holding her close. He couldn't stand to see the defeat in her eyes. He'd known her for years and never seen a defeat so set in her eyes. It was painful to witness. "You want me to go send Cragen in?" he asked, knowing that she didn't want everyone to see her crying.

She nodded and quickly dried her tears. "Yeah," she whispered. "I think that's the best way to do it. I don't want to quit in front of everyone. You're enough."

He turned to walk out the door, but then shook his head and turned back around. "Can't you just stay and do desk duty or something…not desk duty. You hate being on the desk. You could stay and interview suspects and victims and –"

"It's over, Elliot," she said firmly. She swallowed and managed a slight smile. "I talked to Alex and while she doesn't know that I'm quitting today, we figured out some options for me."

"I don't want a new partner."

She smiled and cupped his face in her hands. "You didn't want me at first, either, remember? I think we turned out okay." Her smile turned slightly sad, but she managed to continue. "I don't want to do this, El, believe me. I would do anything to be able to pass that test, but I can't. I'm sure that you'll grow to love your new partner. Give it time, El. Don't hate him…or her…right away. Give them a chance, please? Give them a chance."

He nodded in defeat and kissed the top of her head. "You'll always be family," he whispered softly into her ear. "Don't you ever, _ever_ forget that. You will_ always_ be part of our family, no matter what." He swallowed and pulled away from her. "I'll go get Cragen."

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I'm so getting flamed for this…


	55. Nothing's Going to Change

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

Okay, so I know a lot of you are mad that I had Liv quit without even trying. Sorry. I know I'm evil :-p

I had it in mind for a while that she was going to quit because of the surgery, but I'd been struggling with how to go about making that happen. I figured she'd be one to quit with pride/dignity rather than to go out there knowing there was no way she could do it. I dunno…maybe I got it wrong, but that's how I read Olivia.

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"What do you mean she just quit?" Fin asked angrily as he, Munch, and Elliot met in Cragen's office later that day. Elliot had come outside and quietly told Cragen that Olivia was waiting for him inside. Cragen had given him a rather confused look, but had quietly excused himself and went in. After he disappeared into the precinct, Elliot turned and told Munch and Fin that Liv wasn't doing her strength test. That was all that Munch and Fin. Until now. Cragen had just given them the rest of the news.

Cragen shook his head sadly, not wanting to get into a detailed discussion about the circumstances surrounding Olivia's departing. He knew she'd kill him if he said too much. He sighed and looked up at the men standing in his office. "She's no longer going to be a part of this squad," he said firmly. "But if any of you think for one second that she's no longer a part of this family, you can pack your bags now."

Munch looked up and realized that he could see more pain in his boss' eyes now than ever before. Cragen had ducked his head quickly in an attempt to prevent anyone from seeing it, but he'd caught a glimpse of it. Still, he couldn't wrap his mind around what was happening. Olivia wasn't the kind of person to just up and quit. There had to be something else going on, and he was determined to find out just what that was. "Cap, what's going on? Why'd Liv quit like that?"

"Man, don't push it," Fin grumbled. He hated this just as much as everyone else, but he was not about to let Much belittle Olivia. He was upset, and he wanted to know what was going on, but he would not allow Olivia's name to be dirtied. Not on his watch. "She did it this way for a reason and –"

"Fuck that," Munch interrupted angrily, not caring what he said or who he offended. "We're a family and we deserve to know what's going on. Obviously we're getting a new dumb-ass rookie that we're going to have to train and I want to know why. I want to know why Olivia isn't going to be walking through those doors any more and I want to know now!"

"Because when they took her breasts they also took her muscle!" Elliot barked loudly, silently cursing himself for revealing that information. He'd been standing with his back to them the entire time, and now he slowly and hesitantly turned to face them. His demeanor immediately softened and he sighed sadly. "She didn't want us to see that she couldn't climb the rope. You know Liv and her pride. She wanted to leave us without that image in our eyes."

The room was silent, everyone shocked by Elliot's words – including Elliot himself. Nobody knew what to say. Finally, Cragen inhaled sharply and broke the uncomfortable silence between everyone. "We don't have anybody lined up to…" his voice drifted off. _Nobody's ever going to replace her. What the hell can I say to make that clear?_ "We don't have anybody else lined up just yet, so for now we're short one person. We'll just have to make do for the time being." His eyes were starting to water, and he was not about to let the squad see him cry. "Now everybody get the hell out of my office and get back to work."

"Damn, Liv," Fin mumbled as they all sadly returned to their desks. He couldn't picture the precinct without her. Whenever things started getting out of control between any of them, she was always the one to bring them back down. She was the one who kept their heads in the game – kept them focused on their cases. "What the hell are we going to do without you?"

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Alex pulled into the driveway and parked the car, but she didn't get out right away. It was nearly eight-thirty at night and she was screaming at herself for getting home so late. She'd had so much paperwork to do on Julia's case that she'd lost track of time. Now, as she looked up and saw a completely dark house, she felt like the worst wife in the world. What was wrong with her? Why had she spent so much time at work rather than with the one woman who meant more to her than anything else? She slowly grabbed her purse and stepped out of the car. As she made her way to the front door, she slipped her hand inside her purse and made sure the box was still there. _You're a terrible wife_, she cursed herself. _You should have been there with her_.

If the curtains hadn't been open to allow a little moonlight into the living room, she wouldn't have been able to see a thing. Instead, as her eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness, she could make out Olivia's form sitting on the couch. The woman was motionless – not even responding when Alex flipped on the light switch. Her face was stained with the tears that had run out. She'd obviously been crying for some time now and had only recently run out of tears to expel.

"Liv," Alex whispered softly as she dropped her purse, immediately forgetting the box that lay inside it. She sat down on the couch and pulled Olivia close, cringing when she didn't make any attempt to even acknowledge her. "I'm so sorry, baby," she said, tears falling down her cheeks as she combed her fingers through Olivia's hair. "I shouldn't have gone to work today. I'm so sorry, Liv. I should have been there. I'm so –"

"I didn't even do it," she mumbled angrily. "I didn't even bother to take the fucking test."

Alex swallowed and pulled her closer. "What do you mean?"

Olivia pulled away from her and stood up angrily. "I mean I gave up! I mean I just quit and didn't give anybody an explanation or anything. I quit, Alex. I quit my job. I gave up."

Alex couldn't bear to see the pain in Olivia's eyes. They were so full of defeat that Alex wasn't sure what to do. She stood up and hesitantly walked in Olivia's direction, feeling relief when the woman didn't turn away from her. At first, she had wanted to chide Olivia for not even trying. Now, however, as she looked into her wife's eyes, her anger disappeared instantly. "Come here, honey," she whispered gently as she pulled Olivia into her arms. "It's gonna be okay, I promise. Everything's going to be okay. I still love you. Everyone else still loves you. You still have your family. Nothing's going to change." She swallowed hard and wiped away a few tears. She didn't know what else to say.

"Where were you?" Olivia asked weakly. "I've been home for hours. You're usually home by five. Where were you? You knew I had my test today. Why weren't you home?"

A small sob escaped Alex before she could stop it, and she nearly collapsed into hysterics as she heard the desperation in Olivia's voice. "I'm so sorry, Liv," she finally managed to force out. "I know I should have been there. I…I got caught up with all the paperwork for Julia's case and I lost track of time and…" her voice trailed off and she let out a sigh of defeat. "I'm sorry. There's no excuse for what I did. I'm so sorry."

"I needed you. I got home and you weren't here and –"

"I know," Alex whispered, brushing the hair out of Olivia's face and ignoring her own tears for the time being. "I'm so sorry," she said again, not knowing what else to say. She felt terrible right now, and she was willing to do anything in her power to make it up to Olivia. She went to pull out of the hug so she could meet Olivia's eyes, but Olivia held on tight to her.

"Don't go," Olivia begged. "Stay, please."

"I'm not going anywhere," Alex promised, going back into the tight hug. She gently rubbed her hand up and down Olivia's back and kissed the top of her head. "I'm right here, Liv. I promise, I'm right here now."

Olivia's entire body was shaking as she felt Alex gently leading her over to the couch. They sat down together and Olivia leaned into Alex's embrace. She was too distraught to be angry with Alex. Now that she was wrapped up in her arms, her anger was subsiding. She loved the woman too much to stay mad at her. As Alex's grip tightened, she curled up as close as possible to her. "I didn't want them to see me like that," she mumbled. "I didn't want them to see me fail."

Alex gently stroked Olivia's back and sighed. "I love you so much," she whispered softly. "And everyone else loves you, too. You know that, right? You know we all love you don't you?"

Olivia nodded weakly. "I know. I just didn't want anyone to see me fail."

"I know." She sighed and continued stroking Olivia's back. She thought long and hard about what to do next. She'd stopped at the store and bought Olivia a congratulatory gift just in case she actually passed the test. They'd both known that the odds weren't in her favor, but she had wanted to pick her up something anyway. Now, she wasn't sure whether or not to give it to her. She swallowed hard and tilted Olivia's head up. "I got you something," she whispered gently, deciding that she deserved the gift now more than ever.

Olivia sat up and shook her head. "You did what? Alex, you didn't have to get me anything."

"True," Alex said playfully as she leaned over and grabbed her purse. "But I _wanted_ to get you something." She smiled at Olivia's shocked expression as she pulled out the long, slender box. "I just…I saw it in the store the other day and immediately thought of you. I knew your test was today and I wanted to get you something – no matter what happened during your test, I wanted you to know that it doesn't change anything."

Olivia's eyes grew wider as Alex gently placed the diamond bracelet around her wrist and clasped it into place. She swallowed hard and looked up. "Alex, it's beautiful. It's the most beautiful bracelet I've ever seen."

Alex kissed her lightly and pulled her close. "You deserve it, baby. I love you so much." She sighed and combed her fingers through her hair. "Don't let this destroy you, honey. I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must be, but please, please, don't let it destroy you. We're all right here, Liv. You've still got your family, okay?"

Olivia nodded weakly and leaned against Alex. "I'm scared," she whispered.

"I'm right here," Alex answered firmly. "I promise, I'm right here."

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"So what did your mom say when you got home from school yesterday?" Julia asked eagerly as she and Kristen sat down for lunch. "Did she say you could come with us?"

Kristen laughed and bit into her tuna sandwich. "She told me that she thought your mom was joking at first. Then she told me that she really wanted to let me go, but she said she couldn't because we don't have enough money." She smiled nervously, slightly embarrassed by how little money she and her mother were living on now that her father had abandoned them for his secretary. "She got really excited then and told me that your mom was paying for it. She told me I could go."

"Ahh!" Julia squealed excitedly. "YAY! This is so exciting. We are going to have so much fun!"

"Yeah," Kristen said warily, staring down at her sandwich. As much as she wanted to, she couldn't even force herself to pretend to be half as excited as Julia was. She felt terrible, but she just couldn't do it.

She realized something was wrong as soon as she took a bite of her salad. Kristen wasn't even smiling. They were going to Disney World together, she didn't have to pay for a single thing, and she wasn't smiling. "Hey," she said, looking across the table at her best friend. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Kristen answered, lying badly.

"Kris…what's wrong?"

Kristen swallowed hard and looked up. "It's just…I don't know, it…" She sighed heavily and closed her eyes. "It's just kind of embarrassing that your mom's paying for all of this and my mom can barely afford to pay for me to eat. Ever since my dad left, she's been trying really hard and working two jobs, but it's still barely enough and –"

"Kristen, stop it," Julia said sternly. "Do you really think that I care about how much money you and your mom have? Look at my life, Kris. Look where I came from. Why the hell would I –"

"I know you don't care," Kristen interrupted quickly. "I know you can look past my money issues just like I can…I don't want to say look past what you've been through because that makes me sound like a bitch…you know what I mean. I just hate that other people seem to hate me just because my mom doesn't make a lot of money."

"People suck."

"Not all people," Kristen corrected quickly.

"True. Not all people suck, but a lot of them do."

Kristen laughed and shook her head. "So next Christmas break, we're really going to Disney World together, huh?"

"You bet we are."

"Awesome."

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"Jess," Allen said firmly as they walked towards the door. "We're going out to dinner tonight with Alex and Olivia, and you are under no circumstances to pay for them, do you understand?"

She inhaled sharply and slowly let it out. "Okay," she whispered uneasily. She hesitated for a moment before following him out to the car. Everyone was so used to her paying for everything. How was it going to work now that she was only paying for herself? Was she just supposed to say, "Hey guys, you're on your own tonight!"? It wasn't going to work. The more she thought about it, the more awkward circumstances she thought up.

"Jess, honey," Allen said gently "This is not nearly as big a deal as you're making it out to be, I promise. Liv and Alex are not going into tonight expecting you to pay for them. They _never_ do that. They go into our dinner dates expecting to pay for themselves, and while I'm sure they love that you pay for them, they also would love to pay for themselves."

"I hope so."

They climbed into the car and he reached over and took her hand as he pulled out of the driveway. "I know so. Liv and Alex are our best friends – our family. Jess, I promise you that this isn't going to change anything. I promise, honey." It was hard to watch her suffering like this, especially when he knew that what was bothering her was something very simple. He knew that there was no way Olivia and Alex were going to be upset about this. He just wished she knew that as well.

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"So, Alex has some rather exciting news to share with everyone," Olivia explained happily as everyone sat down at the table. She smiled eagerly as Alex blushed. "Well it is good news, so go ahead and tell them."

Alex licked her lips and placed her napkin in her lap. "I, um, I finished all the paperwork for the Ripling case," she explained softly. "She won't take a deal, so we have to go to court, but I've finally got enough evidence to actually put her away for the rest of her life."

"Are you serious?" Jess asked in disbelief, remembering how upset Alex had been for so long because she didn't have anything to use against the woman. "Alex, that's awesome!"

"I'm just happy I finally have something. That woman deserves to be locked up forever."

Olivia smiled lovingly and wrapped an arm around Alex. "And now, thanks to you, she will be."

"I was given the evidence on a silver platter," she said modestly. "All I have to do now is present it to the jury. Assuming they're not all a bunch of idiots, we should have a pretty quick conviction."

"You'll get her," Olivia said knowingly. "Then we're going to Disney World."

Their food and drinks arrived quickly and they all eagerly dug in. Nobody seemed to notice that as the evening wore on, Jess slowly began to grow more and more uneasy. Everyone was laughing and joking around, and while she occasionally joined in the fun, she pretty much stayed quiet the entire evening. Finally, the check came. Just as she was about to grab it, Allen stopped her. To her relief, nobody seemed to notice. Instead, Alex quickly picked it up and added up what she and Olivia owed, then handed it to Allen. He smiled at Jess and quickly pulled out the money that they owed.

"I'll be right back," Jess said quickly as she stood up and pushed her chair back in. "I have to use the bathroom."

As soon as Jess disappeared into the bathroom, Alex smiled warmly and stood up. "I'll go talk to her," she said softly. While Allen hadn't told them of his plan, after seeing it happen, she could tell that Jess was feeling pretty scared. She walked around the table and placed her hand on Allen's shoulder. "Thanks for doing this," she whispered. "I've been worried that she's been trying to buy us. I think she needs to see that we're already here. We don't need to be bought."

He swallowed hard and nodded. "That's what I'm hoping tonight will prove to her."

"I'll go make sure it does," she said, then turned around and walked to the bathroom.

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"I'm really glad Aunt Jess left the twins here tonight," Julia said as she, Christopher, and Alexa crawled around on the floor together. They were already able to pull themselves up into a stance, and she was determined to get them walking as quickly as possible.

Casey laughed and leaned her head on Steve's shoulder. "So you're not upset that we're stuck at home while everyone else is out at dinner?"

"Nope," Julia said happily, not bothering to turn around to look at her mother. All of her attention was currently focused on the twins. "I've got school tomorrow anyway, so I shouldn't be going out tonight. Besides, I love spending time with these two. They're so much fun!"

"Well I'm glad you're enjoying yourself," Steve told her. He smiled and looked over at Casey. "She's going to make one hell of an amazing mother someday," he whispered softly. "She's so good with them."

"Yes she is," Casey answered softly. "Her children are going to be lucky kids."

Julia crawled over so she was sitting in between the twins, who had managed to pull themselves up using the windowsill. They were on the other side of the living room, so she knew that whatever she told them would go unheard by her parents. "You are the two luckiest babies in the whole world," she whispered to them. "You've got such a big family and every single person loves you so much. All your aunts and uncles are gonna spoil you rotten." She smiled and wrapped her arms around them. "And your cousin Julia is gonna keep you safe," she added. "I'm not gonna let anybody hurt you, I promise."

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Alex could see Jess' black sandals under the last stall in the bathroom. She smiled and leaned against the wall just outside the stall. They were the only people in the bathroom for the time being, so she was prepared to let loose right now. "Jessica Lynn Matthews get your ass out of that stall and come out here and talk to me."

"What?" Jess asked suddenly, completely caught off guard by the sound of Alex's voice. She quickly dried her tears and shook her head. "I'm going to the bathroom, give me a minute."

"Don't you dare even try to pull that shit with me," she said firmly. "Olivia and I are paying for our own dinner tonight and there's not a damn thing you can do to stop us." Her voice softened as she leaned her forehead against the stall door. "And there's not a damn thing you can do to get rid of us, either."

Jess sniffled as she heard Alex speaking through the door. She hadn't expected anyone to be able to tell that she was upset; and she really hadn't expected anyone to figure out the reasons for it. Had Allen said something? Probably not. The more likely conclusion was that it had been more obvious than she had thought that she was upset. She swallowed hard and flushed the toilet. "I can't come out if you're leaning against the door," she said, making a half-hearted attempt at a joke.

Alex smiled and moved out of the way, pulling Jess into a tight hug once she was out of the stall. "I love you," she whispered into her niece's ear. "And I don't give a damn how much money you have. You are my niece – my family – and nothing is ever going to change that."

Jess allowed a small sob to escape before shoving it all back inside. She was not going to let herself fall apart in the bathroom. "Allen made me do it," she whispered in defeat as she pulled away from Alex. "He told me that I had to let you two pay your own way tonight because I was paying for too much."

"He's right," Alex said firmly, holding up her hand and shaking her head before Jess could interrupt. "I know you have a shitload of money, and I know that you love spoiling everyone you love," she said with a smile. "You've just gotta let us pay sometimes, too, honey. I know you're not really _trying_ to buy us, but Jess, that's pretty much what you're doing."

"I'm not trying to."

"I know, and so does everyone else. We just need to prove to you that you can stop paying for everything all the time. We'll still be your family, and we'll still love you. Your money's not what makes you lovable, okay?"

Jess nodded weakly and looked up at Alex. "Okay," she answered weakly.

"Come on," Alex said warmly, wrapping her arm around Jess and leading her to the door. "Let's get back out there so you can go home and spend a romantic evening with your husband."

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"Hey, Liv," Alex whispered as she turned off the light and snuggled close to Olivia.

"Yeah, honey?"

"Do you think it would be okay if maybe we spent the day working on something tomorrow? I already called off earlier today so that I wouldn't have to go in."

Olivia furrowed her eyebrows and bit her lower lip. She couldn't see Alex's face, but she could sense the tension on it. "Of course we can," she said softly. "What do you need to work on?"

Alex hesitated. "Are you sure?" she asked nervously. "I mean, I know yesterday you quit the job you loved and I don't want you to feel like I'm being selfish or something. If you want to wait a little while before we –"

"Honey, it's okay," Olivia whispered, cupping Alex's face and kissing her lightly. "I could never think that you were being selfish. I don't think you have a selfish bone in your body. You bought me a gorgeous bracelet, you took me out to dinner, you held me pretty much all day today." She smiled and combed her fingers through Alex's hair. "Talk to me, Al. What's wrong?"

"I had lunch at Jess' one day last year," she said quickly. "One of the panes of their ceiling fan had broken and they were using duct tape to hold it up." She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "It broke again when I was there, and Allen quickly offered to fix it. I panicked. Jess managed to convince him to fix it later without him realizing anything was wrong, but I still felt ridiculous." She laughed angrily when she felt Olivia squeeze her hand. "I was at the store the other day and I realized I was too scared to even walk down the aisle with the duct tape. How pathetic is that?"

"It's not pathetic," Olivia said softly. She leaned her forehead against Alex's and kissed her nose. "A trigger is a trigger, sweetie. It is what it is, and it by no means makes you pathetic."

"Would you mind working on it with me?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you think you could go buy a roll and maybe help me work through my stupid fear?" She cleared her throat to keep Olivia from interrupting her. "I have to get over this stupid fear, Liv. It's _duct tape_ for God's sake. I shouldn't be afraid of a simple roll of duct tape."

"I'll help you do it if you promise to do something for me."

"What?"

"Promise me that you'll stop putting yourself down for being scared. Acknowledge that, given the circumstances, your fear of duct tape is a perfectly legitimate one."

Alex sighed and closed her eyes. "Okay," she whispered weakly.

"Good," Olivia said firmly. "Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah."

"Did something happen to make you want to do this?"

"Yeah."

"What happened, baby? Are you –"

"I'm fine," she interrupted, managing a light laugh. "Duct tape's a major component in one of my other cases. I have a strip of it with the victim's skin cells as well as the suspect's fingerprints. I have to show that to the jury, and Branch has advised me to try to put the jury in the victim's shoes by violently ripping off a piece to show them how scared the woman must have been."

"Wow," Olivia mumbled in surprise.

"Yeah," Alex said weakly. "I could barely hold the piece of evidence, and that was in a sealed bag. I didn't even have to touch the tape. I don't know how I'm going to be able to rip a piece from the roll."

Olivia gently squeezed Alex's hand and took a deep breath. "Can I be honest with you?"

"Please do."

"You may never be able to do that," Olivia said softly. "I'm not trying to get your hopes up. You are by far the strongest woman I know, and I know that you can do just about anything once you put your mind to it. All I'm saying is that a trigger is a pretty powerful thing, and it's not going to be easy to do."

"But you'll help me anyway, right?"

"I will absolutely help you."

Alex nodded and rested her head on Olivia's chest. "Then I'll be able to do it."

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	56. Baby Steps

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

Yeah, it's gonna be a long one…

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"Okay, so Liv and Alex were pretty happy that you finally let them pay for themselves tonight at dinner," Allen said softly. He wrapped his arms around her and planted a gentle kiss on her lips. "They weren't at all upset and they didn't stop loving you."

Jess eagerly leaned into his embrace and allowed him to pull her close. "I know," she said. "And Alex seemed determined to make sure I understood that when she followed me into the bathroom."

"See?" he asked knowingly.

"But that was just tonight," she said, still fighting him. She couldn't help it. She wasn't intentionally arguing with him – it was just that she couldn't convince herself that what he was saying was true. She needed reassurance. "What's next week going to bring? And the week after that? And the week after that? And –"

Allen placed his hands on her shoulders and looked her square in the eyes. "Jessica, you're not going to lose anybody. Your family doesn't love you because you take them out to dinner every week. They love you because you're _you_."

"How can you be so sure?" she asked, her voice full of fear.

He smiled warmly and cupped her face in his hands. "Because I fell in love with you – and knew I wanted to marry you – long before I ever found out how much money you had. You are an incredible person, honey. That's why you're loved by so many people." He chuckled lightly and bit his lower lip. "Besides," he added playfully. "Look at all the people we're surrounded by. Do you really think they're the kinds of people who'll stick around for your presents? I don't think any of them are that shallow."

Jess sighed and rested her forehead against his chest. "I know they're not," she admitted honestly. She closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around him, smiling slightly when he did the same. She felt so safe in his arms. "I've just always paid for everything. That's what I'm used to doing. I've never had friends who've liked _me_. They've always liked my money. I know that's not the case anymore, but I'm still afraid to stop paying for things."

He leaned his head down so it was resting on her shoulder. "I love you," he whispered into her ear, feeling her grip tighten as he did so. He didn't care how many times he said those three words. If they helped her in any way, he was going to keep on saying them. "It was your first day, and you did great. Baby steps, Jess. Give it time, honey. You'll get there. You'll see that you don't have to buy their love. You have it already."

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"Jess and Allen should be here soon," Steve whispered to Casey. They both looked over and smiled at the sight in front of them. Julia and the twins had fallen asleep together in the recliner, Julia's arms wrapped protectively around both of them.

"Did you get a picture?" Casey asked.

"I got one."

"Good."

Just then, there was a knock at the door. Steve stood up and hurried over to answer it. "You guys have got to see this," he whispered, quickly ushering them inside. "They've been sleeping like this for nearly half an hour."

"I think they wore each other out," Casey added softly.

Allen and Jess smiled tearfully as they watched their children sleeping against Julia. It was such a precious site to see. Jess gently squeezed Allen's hand before making her way towards the chair. "Do you want to wake her up before I take them from her?"

"Yeah," Casey whispered. She bent down and gently shook Julia's shoulder until she woke up. "Hey, sleepyhead," she said softly. "Aunt Jess and Uncle Allen are here to get these two. Think you can let go of them for me?"

Julia nodded and loosened her grip so Casey could pick them up. "I kept them safe for you, Aunt Jess," she mumbled, still half – asleep. Her head rolled to the side and she was back asleep in a matter of seconds.

"I know you did," Jess whispered, bending over and kissing her forehead. "Thank you, Jules." She stood up and took Alexa from Casey while Allen took Christopher. "Make sure she knows I appreciate her watching them," she said to Casey as she and Allen made their way to the door. "They really love her, you know. Every time they see her, they get all excited."

Casey smiled and gave Jess a one-armed hug. "She loves them, too."

"Good, because as far as I'm concerned she's the best babysitter I've ever seen, and she is most definitely on the top of my list." She smiled as she dug into her purse and pulled out her wallet. "Here's thirty bucks for her."

"Jess, you don't have to –"

"Casey, it's thirty dollars," Jess interrupted quickly. "She watched them for nearly sixteen hours."

"She was asleep for eight of them."

"Fine, so she watched them for eight of them as well. Thirty dollars is less than five an hour. By today's standards, I'm a sucky person to babysit for." She smiled warmly and looked back over at Julia. "Let her go out and buy something she wants. She deserves it, Case."

Casey nodded and smiled as Jess and Allen walked out the door. "Okay. Just promise me you won't start overpaying her later. The last thing I need is for my twelve-year-old daughter to be richer than me."

Jess smiled warmly and shook her head. "I won't let that happen, don't worry."

"Good, now you two get out of here and head on home. I'll call you later this week and we'll do lunch, Jess."

Jess smiled warmly and walked with Allen out to the car. "Sounds good. See ya later."

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Olivia walked into the store and inhaled sharply. As much as she desperately wanted to help Alex overcome her fear, she was still cursing herself for what she was about to do. She couldn't believe she was about to go and buy something that she knew was only going to cause Alex pain. Today was going to be so hard, and she hated that she was allowing that pain to happen.

_You're doing this to help her_, she told herself silently as she made her way towards the aisle. _It'll be hard at first, but in the long run, it's going to help her._ She swallowed hard when she found the aisle with the duct tape. There were so many to choose from; she almost felt overwhelmed. "Shit," she mumbled to herself. "Which one do I choose?"

She stared at the wall for the better part of ten minutes, fully aware of the people staring at her as they walked by. They were all thinking the same thing: _why is it taking her so long to pick out a roll of duct tape? They're all the same. Just pick one already!_ She felt the urge to turn around and yell at them – to scream that she was a terrible wife who was about to hurt her girlfriend because it was the only way to help her.

Finally, she decided to start with the smallest roll and work from there. She pulled it off the rack and turned around, running smack into Elliot. "Jesus!" she said, surprised. "Elliot, what the hell are you doing here?"

He smiled warmly and gently nudged her shoulder. "I needed to pick up some light bulbs for Dickie's room. I saw your car in the parking lot and figured I'd search around until I found you." His eyes wandered down to the duct tape in her hand, and then back up to her eyes. "That's a pretty bold move," he said softly, seeing the tension in her eyes.

"It was her idea," she whispered. "She wants to work on it."

"Good for her."

Olivia shook her head and wiped away the lone tear she had reluctantly allowed to fall. "I don't want to do this, El," she said sadly. "I don't want to see that pain in her eyes. I don't want to cause her to have a flashback. I don't want to –"

"Hey," he said softly, gently pulling her into his arms. "Olivia, you're not going to do any of those things," he said, trying to reassure her. "If anything happens, it won't be your fault. You're working with her. If she has a flashback, it won't be because of you. It'll be because of the duct tape."

"But I'm the one that bought it," she argued. "I'm the one that's going to bring it into the house."

"Because she wants and needs to work through it." He pulled her closer and gently rubbed his hand along her back. He'd seen her cry only once before, but never like this. He'd never seen her this emotional. "You're not going to hurt her, Liv, and you're not going to send her into a flashback. If she does have one, you're going to be right there to help her through it, okay?"

She nodded weakly against his chest. "I just hate this so much. I hate that she's been through so much."

"We all do," he whispered into her ear. "But we can't change the past, Liv. All we can do is make the future better, and that's exactly what you're doing for her. You're an amazing woman, Olivia. I don't want you to ever forget that, okay?"

She sniffled as she pulled away from him and nodded. "Thanks, El."

He shook his head and wrapped an arm around her. "Don't thank me. Just believe me." They arrived at the check-out aisle and he realized he didn't have his light bulbs. "I'll catch you later, Liv. Call us sometime and we'll all go out for a movie or something." He paused and met her eyes. "We miss you, Liv."

"I miss you guys, too."

"So you'll call us?"

"Yeah," she said with a slight nod. "I'll call you."

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"Mom, do you really have to go to work this afternoon?" Julia asked warily as she sat down at the table. "I thought maybe we could just hang out and play board games all day or something."

Casey smiled and brought out the scrambled eggs. "I can't miss work, honey," she said apologetically. "I would love to be able to stay home all day and play games with you, but we do have bills to pay." She sat down and took a bite of her eggs. "Besides, you and dad are going to the courthouse with Aunt Alex so she can show you how everything's going to go."

Julia looked down to her plate and closed her eyes. "I know," she mumbled. She pushed her eggs around the plate with her fork, suddenly losing her appetite. "I just want to spend time with you."

"I want to spend time with you, too," Casey told her gently. "But I've gotta work, too." She smiled warmly as she spoke to Julia. "I love you, Jules. I'd come to the courtroom with you if I could, but I've got a mountain of paperwork that I really need to get through."

"But when I'm there for real…during the real trial…you're going to be there, right?"

Casey swallowed hard and nearly broke down. The desperation in Julia's voice was so unexpected that at first, she wasn't sure how to respond. She had to take several deep breaths to keep her tears at bay, and she was pretty sure Julia noticed what she was doing. "Of course I'll be there," she finally managed to say. She stood up and walked around the table, wrapping her arms around Julia and pulling her close. "I love you, Jules," she said softly. "I'm always going to be here, okay?"

"Promise?"

"With all my heart. You're my daughter, and I love you." She pulled out of the hug and pushed Julia's hair behind her ears. "What you're doing, Jules…it's incredible. I am so, so proud of you. There is nothing in this world that could possibly keep me away from that courtroom."

Julia's face crumbled as the reality of the situation finally began to really sink in, and the fact that her mother was holding her so lovingly only made it that much more real. "I'm scared," she said weakly. "Mom, I don't want to do this! I don't want to have to see him again! I'm so scared!"

"I know, honey," Casey whispered softly. "I wish you didn't have to do this, too." She pulled Julia close and hugged her tight. "I wish I could just hold you like this and make it all go away, but I can't. What I can do is promise you that you have a family that loves and supports you; and we're going to be right here every step of the way."

"Will you be in the courtroom?"

"I'll be right there, honey. You just focus on me or Aunt Alex when you're answering the questions, okay? You focus on us and we'll get you through this, honey. I promise."

"Will dad be there?"

"He will if you want him to."

Julia swallowed and gave a slight nod. "I want him to be there."

"Then he'll be there."

"What about Aunt Jess and Uncle Allen and Aunt Olivia?"

"Do you want them to be there?"

"Is it really up to me?"

Casey nodded and smiled warmly. "It is absolutely, one hundred percent, up to you. This is your case, honey. Everybody loves you and everybody supports you. All they want to do is make sure you're comfortable and feeling safe."

Julia took a deep breath and thought for several moments. Was it really possible that everybody in her life right now wanted to help her get through this? She'd never known those kinds of people to exist before. As she looked up into her mother's eyes, she knew she wasn't alone anymore. "I think I want them all to be there," she finally said. "I don't want to have to look out into a room full of strangers."

"Then we'll make sure you look out into a room full of family. How does that sound?"

"A lot better."

"Good."

"Hey, mom?"

"Yeah, hun?"

Julia smiled tearfully and looked into her eyes. "Thanks for doing all this for me. I know you took off a lot of time from work and everything to help me get ready. I'm really glad I have you for a mom now."

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"You ready to go inside?" Alex asked Julia as they neared the courtroom doors. "It's empty right now, and there's nobody scheduled to come in for the rest of the day, so you've got all the time you need."

Alex's voice sounded calm and loving. She trusted her. She knew she meant well. But no matter how reassuring Alex was being, Julia was still terrified of walking into that empty courtroom. She held tight to her father's hand, not even realizing how tight her grip was until he gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "Okay," she said softly, allowing Steve to lead her inside.

"All of our family's going to be sitting in these seats here," Alex told her as they walked up the aisle. Julia kept her eyes focused on those rows of seats, too afraid to look anywhere else. "The jurry'll sit over here, the judge is up in that chair at the top, and here's the witness stand – where you'll be sitting."

Julia looked around the courtroom as Alex pointed each place out. She swallowed hard and grabbed Steve's hand as her gaze finally fell on the defendant's table. "He'll be sitting over there, won't he?"

"Yeah," Alex said softly. "But I am going to do my best to stand between you two so you don't have to see him. I can't stand there the whole time. I have to move around and talk to the jury, too." She smiled warmly and placed her hand under Julia's chin, tilting the young girl's head up. "But I promise to block him as much as I can."

"It just sounds so scary," Julia said quietly, only half-aware that she'd spoken aloud.

"Can she sit up there to get a feel for it?" Steve asked, cocking his head in the direction of the witness stand. He looked down to Julia, who was still gripping his hand with all her strength. "Do you want to sit up there for a few minutes?"

"Would that be okay?"

"Absolutely," Alex answered. "Go ahead and take a seat."

"It's so big," Julia said once she climbed up and was seated. She furrowed her eyebrows and looked around the courtroom. "The entire room looks so big. I feel so small sitting here."

Alex walked over and stood so that she was blocking the defense table. She looked up and smiled reassuringly at Julia. "How's this?" she asked gently. "Can you see the table from here?"

"No," Julia answered shakily.

"Then I'll stand right here as much as I can, for as long as I can. How does that sound?"

"Better."

Alex breathed a sigh of relief and smiled. "Okay." She sighed and waited until Julia had climbed down and once again held Steve's hand. "I know this is scary," she said honestly. "I know how scary it is to sit in that stand and tell everyone in this room what happened to you. I had your mom asking me questions, and she made it so easy for me to talk to her. I promise I'm going to do my best to do the same for you, okay?"

Julia nodded weakly and leaned against her father. "Okay."

"Okay," Alex said, sighing as she did so. She was glad they had made it through the courtroom tour without any mishaps. Sometimes, when she brought the kids to the courtroom, they got too scared to continue with their case. Luckily, that hadn't happened. "Come here for a second, Jules," she said softly once they were out into the hallway.

"Where are we going?" Julia asked warily as she let go of Steve's hand.

"Just right over here to the bench so we can have a little privacy," Alex said. They both sat down and Alex took both of Julia's hands in her own. "You are by far the strongest, bravest twelve-year-old girl I have ever known. You have a strength and determination that I've never seen in a person before." She smiled warmly as she wiped away a tear. "I couldn't believe it when I was told that they'd found Jennings. I thought he'd be a free man for the rest of his life. He's in jail now thanks to you. You're the one who gave him up. You're the one who put him in jail where he belongs. Now, you're about to put Mr. Warren _and_ Beth in jail." She shook her head in disbelief and leaned her forehead against Julia's. "This isn't going to be easy," she said truthfully. "But I promise you that you will never, _ever_ be alone. You've got so many people to lean on, honey. We'll get you through this so you can go celebrate." She looked over at Steve, who was still standing several feet away, and smiled. "Now if I'm not mistaken, you and your dad have a pretty busy day planned, right?"

"Yeah," Julia said, her mood brightening instantly. "He's taking me out for lunch at the Olive Garden. Then we're going to take one of those bus tours around New York, and then he's taking me out for a big desert."

"Well then I'd better not keep you waiting. Go on and get your butt out of here."

Julia stood up and ran halfway over to Steve, then stopped and turned toward Alex. "Hey Aunt Alex?" she asked, walking back over to her.

"Yeah, honey?"

"I hope I'm done putting people in jail after this."

"So do I, honey. So do I."

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"So what would you like for lunch today?" Steve asked once they were seated in their booth. He smiled as she eagerly looked over the menu, her mood ten times better than it had been only minutes earlier in the courtroom. It amazed him how quickly she bounced back these days. _She held my hand the whole time_, he thought to himself as he watched her. _She held my hand – not Alex's – the entire time we were in that building. She needed me. She trusted me._ He couldn't believe the progress his daughter was making. "You can have anything on the menu today," he said proudly.

"The spinach and artichoke dip is really good," she said, then looked up and laughed when she saw his shocked expression. "It's mixed with cheese and spices and stuff. It's really good, dad."

"But you hate spinach and artichoke."

"Yeah, when they're by themselves," she argued playfully. "These are all mixed up in cheese and spices." She looked up at him with the most innocent eyes she could muster and curled her lower lip. "Please, daddy? It's not very expensive."

Steve laughed and shook his head. "You're too much, kid," he joked. He smiled as she put her menu down and closed it. "If you're sure that's what you want, then that's what you'll get."

"I'm sure."

"Okay then. Spinach and artichoke dip it is."

"What are you gonna get?"

"Hmm," he replied, pulling his menu up over his face so she couldn't see him. "Ravioli de Portobello," he said, putting his menu down and laughing at her disgusted face. "Hey, you're the one who's getting spinach and artichokes."

"Yeah, but you're getting _mushrooms_. They're a fungus. That's just nasty."

He pretended to be hurt and put his hands over his chest. "I'm letting you get your vegetables. You'd better let me get my fungus."

She grimaced again, but nodded her head. "Fine. Just promise me you won't make me eat any of it."

"I promise."

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"Olivia, thank you so much for coming out here to have lunch with me," Casey said warmly as she let Olivia into her office and closed the door. "I really appreciate it."

"Case, I'm glad you invited me," Olivia said truthfully. "In case you forgot, I'm not really doing anything with my life right now, so the more entertainment or distractions I have, the better." She held up her hands and shook her head to keep Casey from interrupting her. "I'm fine. I was glad you called."

"Good," Casey said, the relief obvious in her voice.

Olivia smiled and sat down on the couch by the wall. "So what's up?"

_How the hell did you know I needed something_? Casey wondered. _Am I really that bad at lying to people_? _Am I really that bad a friend that whenever I invite somebody over, they automatically think I need something_?

"Stop questioning everything," Olivia said softly, interrupting Casey's thoughts.

"I wanted to have lunch with you," Casey said quickly as she sat down in the seat across from the couch. "I don't want you to think that I only invited you over here because I needed to ask you something."

"I know you wouldn't do something like that," Olivia told her gently. "Besides, even if that was your only reason for asking me, I'd have come anyway. We're family, Case. I'm here for you just like you're here for me."

Casey nodded weakly and wiped her hands on her pants. "Julia's trial's coming up in just over one month," she started slowly, keeping her eyes on the floor. "She's been having a lot of nightmares lately…and she's fighting Steve an I so much more than she's ever fought us before. I know it's because of the trial, but I just…" her voice trailed off and she sighed sadly. "What did you do when Alex was going through her trial? How do I help her, Liv? How do I make her see that no matter what happens, we're not giving her back?"

"You keep doing exactly what you're doing," Olivia answered simply. She smiled at Casey's confused look. "There's not a whole lot you can do, Case. You've just got to keep reassuring her that everything's going to be okay. Let her cry when she needs to cry. Hold her when she has a nightmare." Olivia shrugged her shoulders and shook her head, indicating she didn't really have much more advice to offer. "Just…love her."

"But that doesn't seem like enough!"

"No, it doesn't," Olivia answered. She hesitated for a moment and took a deep breath. "This stays between us, okay?" she asked, waiting for Casey to nod before continuing. "Alex still has nightmares. She still wakes up in the morning sometimes and asks when I'm going to leave her for someone more beautiful. She still has panic attacks and flashbacks and pretty much everything you're experiencing with Julia." She swallowed and wiped away a tear. "Casey, all you can do is love her. Tell her how important she is to you, hug her as often as you can, tell her she's beautiful, tell her you're proud of her…pretty much everything you're doing already."

Casey sighed in defeat and massaged her temples. "I just feel so inadequate sometimes. She gets so scared and she clings so tight to me and I just…I wish I could do more."

"So do I, Case. So do I. All you can do is love her – prove to her how much you care. She'll see it, and she'll grow with it. You've seen how far Alex has come since she started dealing with everything that happened. Just…keep going."

Casey took a deep breath and managed a small, but very grateful smile. "Thank you. It really means a lot to me that you're willing to trek all the way out to my office jus to tell me to keep doing the things I'm already doing."

"I'm glad to help. I love that kid almost as much as you do, and I want to make sure she gets through this with as little torment as possible." She walked over and pulled Casey into a tight hug. "We're all here, Case, and we all love her. We're all in this together, okay?"

"I know. Thanks, Liv."

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Steve smiled as he pulled into the driveway and turned off the car. Julia had fallen asleep almost immediately after she'd buckled her seatbelt. She looked so peaceful that he hated to wake her. Lately, she'd been waking up in the night screaming from her nightmares. Now that she was sleeping so soundly, he wanted to leave her be.

They'd had so much fun together. She had been understandably apprehensive at first – she'd never spent the entire day with just him. Much to his relief, her apprehension quickly dissolved and she'd allowed herself to fully enjoy their time together. After their lunch, they'd headed over to the bus stop and she had insisted on riding on the top. Her eyes were wide the entire time they drove around the city. He was pretty sure she pointed out each and every landmark to him, and repeated almost everything their tour guide told them. To everyone else on the bus, she was probably a pretty annoying twelve-year-old, but to him, she was the most beautiful site in the world. Seeing her so happy and animated brought a permanent smile to his face.

"I'm so glad you had such a good time, honey," he whispered softly, gently brushing the hair out of her face. "I love you so much, kiddo. I love you so, so much." With that, he stepped quietly out of the car and went inside to get Casey. For the last several weeks, Julia had been terrified to have him near her when she was waking up – especially in a place other than her own bed. She'd tearfully begged him not to be mad at her, and it had nearly broken his heart to see the desperation in her eyes. He'd promised that he would never be angry with her, and had eventually been able to put her fear to rest a little.

"She fell asleep almost as soon as she got in the car," he said to Casey as soon as he walked inside. He'd called her once they'd gotten onto the highway to give her a heads up that they were on their way home. She'd assured him that she was going to stay up so she could get Julia from the car.

"Guess the day really wore her out, huh?" she asked playfully as she kissed him. "How'd she do this morning?"

"Better than I ever could have." He shook his head and looked out the window towards the car. "She was so scared, but she did it, Case. She did it. She held my hand the entire time, which was kind of new to me, but…Casey, that girl has so much inner strength. I've never seen anything like it before."

Casey smiled proudly and walked over to the door. "I can't wait to hear all about it tomorrow," she said, nodding when he furrowed his eyebrows. "You'd be wise not to tell me anything, Steven," she joked with him. "I want to hear all about it…from _her_."

"I guess it was her day, huh?"

"It was absolutely her day, and I want to hear from her everything she wants me to hear. After that, if there's anything you feel I need to know, you can tell me when we're in bed."

He nodded in agreement and ushered her out the door. "Go wake her up and get her tucked into bed. The less time she spends sleeping in that car, the better. I'd hate to have her wake up with a sore neck."

Casey turned and gave him one more kiss before opening the door. "I love you," she said, her eyes watering slightly. "I cannot even begin to express in words just how lucky I am to be married to a guy like you. Thanks for doing this with her today. I think she needed to spend some quality time alone with you just to…see that you're really, truly safe."

"Her therapist told us to take baby steps, so that's exactly what I intend to do. I'm not going to push anything, and I'm not going to move too quickly. I just want you to know that I'd spend every single second of every single day with her if that's what it took to convince her."

"I know you would, and deep down, she knows that, too. Trust me, Steve, that helps more than either one of us could ever understand. Now I'm going to go and get her tucked into bed. Then I think we should do some cuddling in our own bed."

"Just cuddling?"

Casey raised her eyes playfully and walked outside. "You'll see. I've got a whole evening planned for the two of us…"

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Olivia hesitantly sat down next to Alex on the couch. Her purse was in her lap, and inside the purse was the small roll of duct tape she'd purchased earlier that day. She reached over and gently squeezed Alex's hand. "Whenever you're ready, honey," she said as gently as she possibly could. "I'm right here. Remember that, okay? Remember that you're safe at home, and that I'm right here."

"I know," Alex answered weakly, staring fixatedly at Olivia's purse, knowing exactly what was inside. _Olivia's right here, you idiot!_ she scolded herself. _You're safe. She's right here and you're safe._

"We'll go slow," Olivia told her. "I can open my purse and you can look inside. Then, if that's all you can do for tonight, we'll go to bed and try to take it a step further another time." She gently traced Alex's knuckles and sniffled softly. She hated doing this. It was so hard to convince herself that possibly hurting Alex right now was going to help her in the future. "Whatever you want, honey. You just tell me and we'll do it. You tell me when to stop, and we'll stop. Okay?"

Alex nodded as she placed her free hand over Olivia's purse, surprised at just how scared she was of even doing this action. She closed her eyes and took several slow, deep breaths before hesitantly opening the purse and peering inside.

As soon as she saw Alex inhale sharply, Olivia squeezed her hand. "You're safe at home, sweetie," she whispered reassuringly. It was upsetting to see that just the site of the duct tape in her purse had terrified Alex this much. "I'm right here, Alex. I'm right here. You're sitting on the couch and you're safe."

She could barely breathe. Just the site of the duct tape nearly caused her to hyperventilate; and she was pretty sure that she'd have gone into a severe panic attack if Olivia hadn't been there to reassure her. After several minutes, she realized that she couldn't even bring herself to reach inside the purse and touch the tape. "I'm sorry," she whispered in defeat, closing her eyes and leaning back into the sofa. "I can't."

"Hey," Olivia whispered firmly. "You did _great_, baby. You did so great tonight."

"No I didn't. I barely even looked at it." She shook her head angrily and looked away. "I'm so pathetic," she mumbled under her breath.

"Alex, don't you dare put yourself down," Olivia said. She held tight to both of Alex's hands and warded off the tears for the time being. "You stared at that roll of tape for nearly five full minutes. There is absolutely nothing pathetic about that. I told you this was going to be hard, and I told you that it wasn't going to happen overnight. This was a really, _really_ good start."

Alex slowly turned to face Olivia. "Can we try again tomorrow?"

"Yeah," she answered softly, gently caressing Alex's cheek. "We'll try again tomorrow." She closed her purse and set it behind the arm of the couch, completely out of Alex's sight. "I'm so proud of you," she whispered. "And I love you so, so much."

"I love you, too," Alex said, tears pouring down her cheeks as she leaned against Olivia. "I'm sorry I couldn't do it tonight. I tried. I just couldn't do it."

"It's okay, Al. Baby steps, honey. Remember? Take baby steps. You'll get there, I know you will."

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I think that was probably the longest chapter I've ever written…


	57. Runaway

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

I never thought this story was going to get so many reviews! Sheesh…it's crazy. Thank you all so much for all of your wonderful reviews. They all keep me motivated. I wish I had the time to go back and reply to each and every review, but I don't. I'm interning (unpaid) 20 hours a week and working (paid) 30 hours a week. Plus, I have to write papers on my internship so I get credit for it…

So yeah, consider yourselves thanked :)

Oh, and it's another kinda long one…Enjoy!

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She rolled over and groaned as she groggily opened her eyes, frowning in confusion when she realized that Olivia was no longer sleeping next to her. She slowly rolled back over so she could look at the alarm clock on her nightstand. It took her eyes several seconds to adjust to the bright sunlight shining in through the window. When they finally did adjust, she saw that it was nearly nine-thirty. _How the hell did I manage to sleep so late_? Before she could answer herself, Olivia slowly entered the room, a large smile on her face.

"'Morning, sleepyhead," Olivia said warmly as she sat down on the bed and plopped a large tray of food onto Alex's lap. She reached over and gently squeezed Alex's hand. "I wanted to let you sleep in for a change this morning," she told her. "I woke up and saw you sleeping; and you looked so beautiful. I couldn't stand to wake you."

"You cooked me breakfast?" Alex asked in surprise.

Olivia's eyes watered slightly and she patted Alex's thigh with her free hand. "I thought I'd cook you a little something and let you sleep. You've got a bagel, cantaloupe, scrambled eggs, and orange juice. I was gonna cook you bacon, but we don't have any."

"Because you cooked the last of it on Wednesday when we had our bacon, egg, and cheese biscuits," Alex told her jokingly.

"Yeah, I remembered that about twenty minutes into my cooking."

"Well I love it anyway," Alex told her gratefully, taking a bite of her scrambled eggs. She smiled warmly and took another bite, then frowned when she realized that Olivia was planning to just sit and watch her eat. "Here," she said, holding a fork full of eggs up to Olivia's mouth. "Have a bite."

Olivia opened her mouth and allowed Alex to feed her the eggs. "Thank you," she said happily. "I was getting hungry watching you eat all this."

Alex smiled and tugged on Olivia's arm, urging her to sit beside her. She picked up the fork and fed Olivia another bite of eggs. "Then there's no way I'm going to sit here and let you starve," she flirted. She took another bite and leaned her head on Olivia's shoulder. "I love you," she whispered. She laced her fingers in with Olivia's and put her fork down. "Thanks for sticking with me through all the crap I seem to put you through."

"Hey," Olivia said, squeezing Alex's hand firmly. "I think I've put you through way more crap than you've put me through. After all the things I said and did to you when I was sick…" her voice trailed off and she swallowed hard. "You came with me to every single one of my chemo sessions. You held my hair back when I was puking my guts out in the toilet and then you held me while I fell back asleep. You held me and told me you loved me and that I was beautiful even after I had my surgery. You stayed, Alex. I was so horrible to you and you stayed."

"Of course I stayed. I love you."

"And I love you."

Alex sighed and put her empty plate and tray on the floor. She turned and faced Olivia, taking both of her hands and squeezing them firmly. "Last night was terrifying for me, but having you there with me, holding my hand and talking to me so gently and reassuringly…Liv, you're the reason I didn't have a panic attack. I know that I'll be able to work through my fear, because I have you at my side, telling me how much you love me."

Olivia cupped Alex's face and pulled her close for a kiss. "You are my everything," she told her softly. "You know that, don't you? You know that I love you more than anything else in this entire world, right?"

Alex nodded tearfully and smiled. "I know, Liv. I know you do."

"Good," Olivia told her. "I remember how hard I had to work to get you to believe me when I said that."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Olivia said firmly. "I was willing to do anything in my power to get you to believe that I loved you. I didn't care what I had to do, Alex. I just wanted you to believe that you were loved."

Alex bit her lower lip and traced Olivia's knuckles with her thumb. "You did, Liv. You got me there and then you kept going. You taught me how to love and trust other people. I am where I am today because of you."

"And you'd better believe that you did all of that and more for me," Olivia said softly. She could feel her eyes watering as she leaned in and kissed Alex. "I love you so much, Alex."

"I love you, too, Liv."

"What do you say we crawl under these covers and do a little snuggling?"

Alex raised her eyes playfully and pulled the blanket up over them. "Only if we can do a little more than snuggling."

Olivia laughed and pulled her head under the blanket. "Deal."

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Casey was sitting at her desk, filling out paperwork, when the leg support on her chair broke. It was the block of wood that went from one leg to another, and she always used it as a footrest. "Dammit," she mumbled as her feet unexpectedly fell to the floor. She rolled her eyes and opened her desk drawer, pulling out the roll of duct tape. She picked up the chair and put it on her desk so she didn't have to bend over. Just as she was about to start ripping the tape off, Alex walked happily into the room. "Oh, hey," she said, slightly annoyed about having to fix the chair.

"'Morning, Case," she said, not looking up until the door was closed behind her. She smiled happily and turned around. "What's on the agenda for today?"

"Well before I do anything, I have to tape this post thing back to the legs of my chair," Casey answered, not looking up from the chair on her desk. If she had, she probably would have noticed the fear that suddenly took over Alex's entire body. "Stupid thing finally broke and I need something to rest my feet on."

Alex couldn't move. She couldn't even think straight. All she could see right now was that roll of duct tape. It seemed like everything was going in slow motion. The sound of the tape ripping from the roll was deafening. Her bag fell to the floor, and she fell along with it, before she even realized what was happening.

"Alex, what's wrong?" Casey asked as she watched her coworker collapse to the floor in fear. She immediately forgot about the broken chair and hurried around the desk, still carrying the roll of tape. It was only when she got close that she could hear Alex's whimpering very softly. "Hey," she said softly, sitting down next to Alex. She'd seen Alex have panic attacks and flashbacks before, but none of them had ever paralyzed her this much this quickly. She leaned over and tried to make eye contact with Alex, but the woman's eyes were fearfully fixed on something else. "What is it, Alex?" she asked, watching as Alex's eyes followed whatever it was they were fixated on. "Talk to me, Alex," she begged. "What's wrong?"

"No," Alex whimpered pleadingly. "Please. Please don't tie me up. I'll leave if you want me to – I'll do anything, just don't tie me up. Please."

Casey furrowed her eyebrows in worry and confusion. _Tie you up_? she wondered. _Why on earth are you begging me not to…_And then she realized what was happening. She immediately remembered the descriptions of what had happened to all of the girls – what had been used to keep them still. Duct tape. Nobody had ever told her that Alex was afraid of it, and she had never bothered to ask. She immediately threw the tape across the room, watching it disappear behind her desk. "I'm not going to tie you up," she whispered softly, reaching over and taking Alex's hand. "It's me, honey. It's Casey."

Alex took several slow, deep breaths as Casey held her hand firmly. "I know," she forced out, swallowing hard and staring down at the floor. It was then that she started feeling guilty. She had been afraid that Casey was going to tie her up. She had actually been afraid that Casey was going to rip the tape from the roll and tie her to her desk.

"You know?" Casey asked hesitantly. She wanted to make sure Alex wasn't still stuck in her nightmare.

Alex nodded slowly and pulled her hand out of Casey's grasp. "I wasn't having a flashback or anything," she told her. She closed her eyes and looked away. "I knew it was you the whole time. I just…I know you would never do that; really I do. I just – I saw the duct tape and I heard you ripping it…and then you looked up at me and ripped it some more and…"

"I'm sorry," Casey whispered gently. "I didn't know, Alex. I didn't know duct tape was a trigger for you." She very carefully and very slowly helped Alex stand and led her over to the couch. "Can I get you anything?"

"No," Alex said, looking up and smiling gratefully. Casey looked so torn up about what had just happened. She looked like she was going to cry at any moment. She didn't want to see that look in Casey's eyes. She didn't want Casey to feel bad about any of this. "It's okay. I'm good now."

Casey sat down next to Alex on the couch and bit her lower lip. "I swear I didn't know, Alex. I wouldn't have tried to fix the chair if I had known. I wouldn't have even pulled it out –"

"I know," Alex interrupted softly. "It's not your fault, Case."

"I still feel bad. I should have –"

"Don't. Don't try to think of ways that you could have stopped it. You didn't know it was a trigger for me. I never told you. If anything, it's my fault. I should have told you."

Casey squeezed Alex's hand lightly and offered her a comforting smile. "I still feel bad."

"Do you feel a little less bad though?" she asked with a smile, gently nudging Casey with her shoulder.

"I guess…maybe…maybe a little."

"Good."

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"And just where do you think you're off to?" Jess asked playfully as Alexa stood up and took three steps towards the playpen in the living room. She watched as Alexa fell, then stood back up and took a few more steps. Her daughter was walking. _Walking!_ It was amazing to see it happening. Christopher wasn't walking yet, but she was sure he would start soon.

"It's just because you were so small when you were born," Allen said playfully, holding Christopher's hands and helping him walk across the living room. "You'll get there soon."

Jess smiled warmly as she watched Christopher try to balance. He just didn't seem to have the strength or coordination to keep himself upright, and it was starting to bother her. Granted, he was only eleven months old, but he was barely able to pull himself up into a stance; and he definitely wasn't able to stay standing once he let go of whatever he was holding. There were even times when he was sitting that he would just randomly fall over. Alexa seemed to be almost too far ahead of him.

"Jess, I'm sure he's fine," Allen said, reading her perfectly. He let go of Christopher's hands and watched his son plop onto his bottom. He, too, was a little worried about the differences between how far Alexa was versus Christopher, but he remembered reading somewhere that a lot of times twins develop at very different speeds. Add that to the fact that Christopher had a much more traumatic birth and well, he was pretty sure Christopher was just fine. "See? He's crawling up a storm right now."

"I know. I'm just being a mother."

"Tell ya what," Allen said, smiling and sitting down on the couch. "Their twelve-month check-up is coming up in two weeks. We'll talk to the doctor then and discuss all of our concerns and everything. Does that sound okay?" He looked from her to Christopher, then back to her, trying to study her expression. He wasn't able to get much, but he could tell that she was worried.

Jess looked over at her son, who was now trying to pull himself up using the piano bench. She watched as he struggled to stand up, then leg to and fell down. She didn't want to wait. She wanted to rush him to the doctor right away. "Okay," she whispered sadly. "Just keep an eye on him until then. I want to make sure he doesn't get any worse. I want to make sure I catch it this time. I'm not going to let him get hurt more than I already have."

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Alex looked down at the notepad in front of her and realized that she'd just wasted an entire page by doodling all over it. She couldn't concentrate. She'd been at the office for nearly five hours now, and she'd barely gotten through her third page of documents. "Hey, um, Casey?" she asked softly.

"Yeah?" Casey answered hesitantly. She still felt bad for what happened that morning, and she wasn't really sure how to respond. Was Alex mad at her? Did she want to just move on and pretend like nothing had happened?

"Do you have an unopened roll of duct tape in your desk?"

Casey furrowed her eyebrows. "Uh, I think so. Why?"

"Do you think you could bring it over here?"

"What?"

"If it's unopened."

Casey shook her head fervently. There was no way she was going to hurt Alex the way she'd done that morning. "Alex, I don't want to…I mean, after what I did to you this morning…are you sure I'm the right person to do that?"

"You are absolutely the right person," Alex answered warmly. She sighed and closed her eyes. "I know I kind of flipped out this morning," she admitted softly. "I know that I was scared you were going to tie me up…and I know that you would never in a million years even think about doing that. I was just caught off guard."

"So you're not mad at me?"

"Of course not. Casey, you didn't do it on purpose. You didn't know."

"I didn't mean to."

"I know," Alex assured her. "And that's why I know I can trust you with this. I need to get over this, Case. I need to just be able to hold a roll of duct tape and not completely freak out."

Casey studied Alex's eyes for several seconds before reluctantly opening her desk drawer and placing her hands on an unopened roll of tape. Her fingers curled around it, but she couldn't bring herself to pull it out of the drawer. The fear and pain she'd seen in Alex's eyes a few hours earlier had been terrible. She didn't want to do that to her friend again.

"Casey pull it out," Alex said firmly, interrupting Casey's thoughts. She swallowed hard and gave Casey a reaffirming nod. "Please. Just pull it out and bring it over here. I know I'm not going to freak out on you – don't worry."

"Okay." She slowly pulled it out of the drawer, stood up, and walked towards Alex's desk. She did it in such a way that she looked as though she was carrying a bomb and was afraid that it was going to go off at any moment. Finally, she reached Alex's desk and sat down in the chair beside it.

Alex took a slow, deep breath, and stared at the tape in Casey's hands for nearly two minutes. _It's just a roll of duct tape_, she told herself. _Casey's just holding a roll of tape. She's not going to tie you up with it. Just because you see a roll of the stuff doesn't mean you're going to be tied up again_. "Can you hand it to me?"

The question came so suddenly that Casey wasn't sure she'd even heard it. It took her a moment to react, and she nodded her head slowly. "Um, yeah, if you're sure that's what you want me to do."

"I'm sure."

"Okay."

Before she knew it, she was holding the roll. She was actually holding a roll of duct tape in her hands. Was this really happening? Had she really just taken the roll from Casey's hands? She looked down and saw the tape sitting there, right in both of her hands. She was so surprised that she actually started crying.

"Alex?" Casey asked worriedly. "Are you okay?"

She laughed as the tears poured down her cheeks. "It's just a stupid roll of tape," she said, more to the tape itself than to Casey. "I can't believe I let it control so much of my life for so long. It's just a stupid roll of tape."

Casey wasn't sure how to respond. Alex was crying – but it seemed to be happy crying, which was a good thing. Still, she was putting herself down, which was a bad thing. "Alex, don't beat yourself up too much. You had some damn good reasons to be scared."

"I guess so. I just wish I'd done this sooner. So much of my life was built around avoiding this stuff. I missed out on so much because I couldn't go down certain aisles in stores, I couldn't fix a lot of things…"

"Alex, don't. Don't think about the what ifs and the could have beens. Just…live for today, okay?"

Alex set the tape down on the desk, walked around to the chair, and wrapped her arms around Casey. "Thank you," she whispered. "I don't think I'm quite ready to open it and start pulling strips off just yet, but believe me when I tell you how much you just helped me."

Casey gently returned Alex's hug and pulled her close. "Thanks for letting me help you. I love you like a sister, Alex, and I'm willing to do just about anything to help you…except maybe jump out of an airplane."

"You and your fear of heights," Alex said laughing. She pulled out of the hug and smiled warmly as she met Casey's eyes. "I love you like a sister, too, Case…and you know that I'd do anything for you, right?"

"I know. That's what makes us family."

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Steve walked in the door nearly two hours later than he usually did. It was nearly eight-thirty, and Casey was furious. She had told Julia that Steve was in a meeting because she hadn't wanted to upset her, but the truth was that she had no idea where Steve had gone after work. "Steven, where the _hell_ were you?" Casey whispered harshly. Julia was upstairs doing her homework, and she didn't want her daughter to hear this argument.

He put his briefcase down and, completely ignoring her question, walked through the house and out to the back porch. He knew she was mad, and she had every right to be; but he just couldn't bring himself to look at her right now. He leaned his arms on the railing and looked out into the darkness.

"Honey," Casey said softly as she slowly followed him outside. Something was wrong. He always said hello to her when he came home; and he _always_ called if he was going to be late. She walked up behind him and gently rubbed his back. "Steve, what's wrong?"

Her voice was soft and compassionate – full of a love that he didn't deserve. He wanted to just ignore everything, to pretend like it never happened, but he couldn't. Sooner or later, she was going to have to know. He turned around and met her loving eyes. She loved him with all of her heart; and he hated that he felt like he didn't deserve any of it. He swallowed hard and looked down. "I lost my job today."

"You what?" she asked worriedly. "Steve, what happened? You were doing so well."

"They're downsizing," he said sharply. "They're giving me one month. I have one month left to work there and then I'm done." He laughed angrily and looked back out into the blackness of the back yard. "I'm getting a small severance package, but it's bull shit."

Casey wasn't sure how to respond. It wasn't his fault – she knew that much. Steve was damned good at his job and there was no reason they should be firing him in the first place. Still, Julia's trial was coming up fast. She had taken a lot of days off so she could be there with Julia during everything. She'd done that under the assumption that Steve would keep working.

"We can sell my car," he said after a few minutes. He slowly turned around and dug his hands into his pockets. "We're going to need the money anyway. The insurance is still pretty high and everything…We have some stuff in storage, too."

"We can't sell your car," Casey said gently. "You'll need it while I'm at work, or if mine breaks down."

"Then what the hell do you propose we do?" Steve yelled angrily. He saw the hurt in her eyes as he screamed at her, but he didn't apologize. He was pissed and he needed an outlet for his anger. He just wished he hadn't chosen his wife. She hadn't done anything wrong.

Casey swallowed hard and bit her tongue, knowing better than to get into a screaming match with him. He was upset – understandably so – and she didn't want to embarrass him by winning that argument. "Steve, don't yell at me," she said calmly. "I know you're upset, and you have every right to be, but don't you dare take it out on me." She smiled warmly and pulled him close. "We'll figure something out, honey."

"I'm sorry, honey," he said, his strong façade crumbling as he leaned against her. "I swear I tried to work hard." He sighed as he felt her wrap her arms around him. "Do you want me to start looking for another job in a few days?"

"Yeah," Casey answered after a few minutes of holding him. She smiled warmly and brushed the hair out of his face. "We'll figure this out, Steve. I know it's hard right now, but we'll figure it out. We'll be okay." She kissed him softly and they nuzzled noses. "Don't let this defeat you, Steve. Look at Olivia. She lost her job and yeah, she's still pretty bummed about it; but she's actively trying to become a victims' advocate. I know that's not what you want to do, but let her be an example to you. You're allowed to be upset and you're allowed to be angry. But you're not allowed to just sit around the house and mope all day." She sighed and met his eyes again. "I love you, Steven Novak. Okay? I love you no matter what."

"I love you, too, Case." He said, slowly sighing in defeat. "I loved that job. I can't picture myself doing anything else." He looked sadly out into the yard again and bit his lower lip. "Julia's going to be officially and legally our daughter at about the same time I'm going to stop working. That means we'll lose our monthly checks from the government."

"Which is why you need to find somewhere else to work. I'm not saying you have to do it right away, Steve. Give yourself some time. Just know that we're going to need more money once Julia's checks stop coming and your severance pay runs out."

"I know."

"Because it's either you get a new job, or we send Julia back to foster care," she said, hoping to convey to him just how important it was that he find some source of income in the relatively near future. She raised her eyebrows and waited until he met her eyes. "And you had better believe that I would kill myself before I let that child go back into the system."

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She heard him come in late that night. She'd just finished doing her homework when they had started talking. Instead of doing what she should have, she decided to open her door and try to listen to what they were saying. When they went out to the backyard, she opened her window and listened carefully. She couldn't make out everything that was said – only that her father had lost his job and that he was upset.

She was about to close the window and go back to her studying when she heard it. _Or we send Julia back to foster care_, her mother said. Her mother actually said she was going to send her back to foster care! She couldn't believe it. How could her mother say something like that? Didn't she love her?

"Fine," Julia mumbled angrily, closing the window softly. "I'll leave then. But you'd better believe that you'll be sorry."

Tears poured down her cheeks as she threw some clothes into her bag and set it by the window. Her parents…no, Casey and Steve…were going to paint the hallway, and a few gallons of paint were being stored in her room. She opened the red one and began pouring red paint all over her carpet, completely saturating it. Then, she opened the pale one and poured it all over the furniture. Once both gallons were empty, tiptoed out into her parents' bedroom and grabbed the gallon of blue and brought it back to her room. She splattered it all over her walls. She turned towards the wall on which Casey had so neatly written the poem for her. She dipped the paintbrush into the paint, getting ready to fling paint all over the words, and realized she couldn't do it. She scrunched up her face and flung the paint on the opposite wall.

Once all the paint was gone, she hurriedly grabbed a pen and ripped a piece of paper from her notebook. She sat down at her desk and thought for a few moments before scribbling her note.

_ Casey and Steve,  
__I guess you need the money now that Steve lost his job, so I'm going to leave and you'll be able to save all the money you would normally spend on me. I'm sorry you lost your job and I'm sorry I'm too expensive for you. Now that I'm gone, you won't have to worry about money as much.  
__ Julia_

She signed the note, grabbed her bag, pushed her fire escape ladder out the window, and left.

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"Tell me what scares you the most," Elizabeth said gently once she had finally managed to get Alex to admit that she was still living in fear on a daily basis. It had taken more than seven weeks to get it out of her, but she had finally done it. She smiled warmly and nodded as she met Alex's eyes. "What is it that scares you?"

Alex sighed and nervously looked down to her lap. She couldn't believe she'd just said those words. It was the truth, and she'd known it for a long time, but she'd never said it aloud. It was hard enough to say those two words: "I'm scared." Now Elizabeth was demanding an explanation? That didn't seem fair.

"You don't have to rush it, Alex," Elizabeth told her softly. "Just think about it and maybe talk about it the next time we meet."

"That I'm going to lose everything," Alex said suddenly. She had to talk about it. That was the only way she was going to make it through this life. She had to keep talking and keep dealing. "At first I was afraid that I'd turn around and he'd be standing behind me again, but that fear's pretty much gone now. I still have nightmares and flashbacks on occasion, but they're getting better, too."

Elizabeth smiled warmly and nodded. "So why do you think you're going to lose everything? It sounds to me like you're gaining everything."

"I don't know. I guess I've just never had all this before. I'm scared I'm going to lose it." She shook her head and looked out the window. "I'm afraid something's going to happen and this family that I've found is going to fall apart."

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	58. Lost

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

Sorry for the delay in posting. My computer's been acting up like crazy. I had to share it with my brother and sister for a while, so I damn near filled up my entire hard drive when my sister started downloading a bunch of crap. I went through and deleted as much as I could, and I think that I somehow deleated part of Microsoft Office. I still have all the icons and documents and everything on here, but I can't open any of them. Plus, I don't have the CD anymore, so I can't install it. I'm pretty much screwed right now. I have papers to write and stuff...blagh

So basically, I have no spell check, no grammar check, and no word count. I've used WordPad before and I'm pretty good at catching most things, but I know I'll probably miss a few. I apologize in advance if this chapter (and quite possibly many more in the future, if I can't get this fixed soon) completely sucks...

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"What do you say I throw these dinner dishes into the dishwasher and then you and I take a nice, long lavendar shower?" Olivia asked softly, reaching over and taking Alex's dishes out to the kitchen. Alex had been more quiet than usual during dinner. There were times when she came home from her therapy session feeling a lot better, and then there were times when she came home that she just felt drained. This seemed to be one of those times. Olivia knew the therapy was helping Alex, but she still hated to see her wife come home so sullen. She returned from the kitchen and gently massaged Alex's shoulders and then bent down low so she could whisper into Alex's ear. "Or if you need some space, I'll start the shower for you and clean up in here for a bit."

Alex let out a shaky breath as a single tear slid down her cheak. She reached up and held both of Olivia's hands with hers. Liv knew her so well. It almost seemed impossible for a person to know and understand another as well as Olivia did with her, but she wasn't about to start questioning it now. "You always know how to make me feel better. How do you do that?"

Olivia shrugged modestly and kissed the top of Alex's head. "I've asked you that question many times before. You always know how to make me feel loved whenever I come home exhausted or anything. You always know just what to do and say to put all my fears at ease." She held Alex's hand and led her to the bathroom. "I only hope that I can do for you what you do for me every single day."

"You do more for me than anybody ever has."

Olivia smiled warmly and gently traced Alex's knuckles with her thumbs. "So do you want me to come in and hold you or do you need to be alone for a while?"

"The last thing I want right now is to be alone," Alex admitted softly. After confessing her fears to Elizabeth, she needed as much reassurance as she could get that she wasn't alone. It hadn't been easy to do, and sometimes, after confessing something to her, she needed much more reassurance than normal. She was just glad that Olivia was always willing to do whatever was necessary to make her feel better.

"Then let's get in this shower and I'll hold you close."

She let out a sigh of relief and stepped into the shower, grateful that the steam was already filling the room. She furrowed her eyebrows as she watched Olivia drop something onto the floor. "What's that?"

"A lavender shower fizzie thing," Olivia answered simply. She shrugged her shoulders and shook her head. "It's supposed to be used in the shower. The steam apparently activates it or something and it should start smelling like lavender in here pretty soon." She laughed at Alex's expression of disbelief. "I didn't think it would work that well, but it was on sale...figured it was worth a shot."

Alex leaned against Olivia and let the water hit her back. "Thank you," she whispered softly. Her grip on Olivia's waist tightened slightly as she said those words. She needed to be as close as possible to Olivia right now - have as much physical contact with her as she could.

"I love you," Olivia whispered. "And I'm right here, no matter what, okay?"

Before Alex could answer, she heard the phone ringing. For a second, she was tempted to break away from Olivia's embrace and go answer it. The temptation passed as quickly as it had come, and there wasn't even a question in her mind about whether or not she would answer that phone. If it was important, whoever was calling would either call back or leave a message. Right now, she was going to stand in that shower and enjoy every second she was wrapped up in Olivia's arms. "Let the machine get it," she whispered.

Olivia smiled. "I wouldn't have it any other way," she said, leaning in and gently kissing Alex. It was obvious by her actions that Alex needed as much physical contact as possible right now. That was something she'd noticed early on about Alex: the need for physical closeness. It was rarely about the sex - which, in her opinion, was the best on the planet. It was more about just being next to each other, as close as possible. "I love holding you," she whispered softly, ignoring the phone for the third time. She knew it was probably important, but at that moment, nothing was more important to her than holding Alex as close as she possibly could.

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Jess was just finishing setting the table when the phone rang. The twins had already been put down. The house was clean. She and Allen were prepared to have a nice, quiet dinner together. It had been a while since they'd been able to do that, and she was looking forward to it. "I'll get it," she said, rolling her eyes as she watched him struggling to pull the casserole out of the oven. "Of course, who else would it be?" she asked as she saw the caller i.d. She took a deep breath and tried to push away all of her anger. "Hey, Case. What's up?"

"Have you seen Julia?" Casey asked, panicked. "Has she called you or anything?"

The panic in Casey's voice was enough to convince Jess that something was very, very wrong. She shook her hand at Allen, telling him not to bring the casserole out to the table. "No, I haven't," she answered quickly. "Casey, what happened? Tell me she didn't run away"

"She's gone!" Casey screamed. "She completely destroyed her room. She packed a few things and left. There was a note on her desk saying that she hated being too expensive for us and Steve lost his job and I think she probably heard us talking about it because she took off. Jess, she ran away!"

Jess could had time to process what Casey was saying because she was speaking so quickly, but she understood the most important fact: Julia had run away. Julia, her niece, had run away from the two people who loved her most in this world. What the hell had happened that would make her do that? She took a deep breath and looked sadly up at Allen. "Okay, Case. Allen and I will be there in a few minutes. You hang on, okay?"

"Steve took off in the car to go look for her. He doesn't think she could have gotten very far. I tried calling Alex and Liv but they didn't answer! I kept calling and I finaally gave up and called you." She took a deep breath and let out a shaky sob. "I don't know what to do, Jess. Julia's gone and Steve's driving around trying to look for her and I just...I don't know what to do!"

"Did you call the police?"

"No."

"Call them. Allen and I will be over as soon as we can, okay? We'll be there soon."

"Okay," Casey said weakly, then hung up the phone.

Jess closed her eyes and slowy hung up the phone. As she turned around to face Allen, she opened her eyes and sighed. "Julia ran away."

"Oh, God."

"I told Casey we'd be right over."

"Then lets go."

"Steve lost his job," she continued, walking out to the car with him. "Casey thinks Julia heard them talking about it. She told Steve that he was going to have to find another job because Julia's adoption is almost finalized; which means no more government checks. I know Casey didn't mean anything by it, but I think Julia got scared and just took off."

Allen pulled out of the driveway and stared straight ahead, not wanting to believe a word Jess was telling him. When was this all going to end? When were they finally going to get a break in this life? "We'll find her," he said softly. "She couldn't have gotten far. We'll find her."

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It was cold. She hadn't thought to pack a jacket because it had been so warm when she'd left. All she had was a light sweater, and she was sure that as the night progressed, it wasn't going to be enough. She walked along the deserted street, kicking rocks as she went along. The bus had dropped her off at a gas station, and she asked the attendant at the register how to get to Manhatten. He'd told her to keep following the road and she'd get to the city. Every now and then a car passed her, but she kept her head bent low, trying to avoid everyone.

"Fucking bus," she muttered as she lost the rock she was kicking. She'd caught the bus at the end of her street several times before, and it always took her right downtown. This time, it had gone in a completely different direction. The driver had laughed at her when she asked what was going on. He explained that this was a different bus and that she'd gotten on the wrong one. And no, he couldn't take her back to her house because she didn't have the money for the fare. She was too afraid to spend more on it right now, so she was just going to have to stay on this bus. He told her the last stop was the closest to the city, so that's where she had gotten off.

"What does it matter anyway?" she asked the darkenss in front of her. Her initial plan had been to go into the city and just walk around all night. She knew it pretty well and she knew that if she stayed on the main streets, where there were a lot of lights and people, she'd be safe. Now, however, she was starting to get scared. The wind was blowing faster, and she was pretty sure it was going to start raining soon. If that happened, she'd have to find a place to stay for the night, and she definitely didn't have enough money to do that.

She wrapped her arms around herself and continued forward, knowing that the sooner she got into the city, the better her chances were of missing the rain storm. Something had to be open twenty-four hours. Hopefully, whoever was working there wouldn't question what she was doing alone at night. Hopefully she'd just be able to get through the night, then she'd figure out what she was going to do next.

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"I called the police," Casey said as soon as Jess and Allen walked in the door, each carrying one of the twins. "They said they would come over and talk to me as soon as they could. They should be here any minute. I fixed some coffee and I have a fire going. I know it's not really cold or anything, but I thought it'd be nice. Do you think they'll get suspicious of me since I did all this? Maybe I should - "

Jess walked over to the distraught woman and wrapped her arms around her. "It's going to be okay," she whispered. "We're all going to help you find her, okay. We're _all_ going to pitch in and we're not going to stop looking. I called Cragen on our way over here and he said he'd call Munch and Fin. Elliot's already looking for her and I still couldn't reach Liv or Alex." She took a deep breath and let go of Casey. "We're all here for you, okay?"

Casey nodded weakly and dried her eyes, but before she could say anything else, she heard the doorbell ring. "That's gotta be them," she said, turning her head and staring at the door. Her eyes widened and she turned back to Jess. "What if they blame me? I mean, it is my fault in a way. I said those things to Steve. I didn't know she was listening, but what if - "

"They're not going to blame you," Jess interrupted softly. "You go talk to them, and if you need anything, we'll be right here with you, okay?"

"Okay," she answered, then turned to open the door.

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"Ms. Novak, when was the last time you saw Julia?" the cop, who had introduced himself as Detective Paul Sims, asked.

Casey hesitated. She wanted Steve here with her. She'd called him and left a message on his cell, telling him the police were there and were ready to ask her questions. Now this Detective Sims guy was staring at her, blame evident in his eyes. She swallowed hard and bit her lower lip. "About two hours ago when she went upstairs to do homework and go to bed."

Sims looked at his watch and frowned, then looked back up at Casey. "It's nearly midnight. You didn't go in to check on her before she went to bed?"

"I did an hour ago and that's when I realized she was missing."

"Why'd you wait so long?"

Casey gritted her teeth. "My husband and I were talking about something rather serious. I had to finish talking to him and then I went up to say goodnight to her. When I opened the door, I found the paint all over the floor and walls, and then I found the note. I called a few friends, and then I called you." Her lower jaw started trembling A single tear fell down her cheek and she closed her eyes. "You have to find her," she said. "Please. You have to find her."

"We're doing everything we can," he said quickly. "Now could you tell us what was so important that you had to talk to your husband before you went in and checked on your daughter?"

"Oh, for God's sake, she's nearly thirteen!" Jess yelled. "Why is it such a big deal that Casey didn't check on her before she went to sleep?"

Casey shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut. "Jess, don't." She looked back up at the officers and told them about how Steve had lost his job. "Her adoption will be finalized in about two weeks. We'll lose the government checks we've been getting. She um...she's got a trial coming up and she's...she's putting her rapist behind bars. I'm taking a lot of time off work right now so I can be with her, and with my husband soon losing his job, money's going to be tight. I told him our only two options were him going back to work or us sending Julia back to foster care. I didn't mean anything by it. I was just frustrated."

The cops looked at each other. She seemed to be telling the truth. "We'll need to see her room, if that's okay."

"Um, yeah," Casey answered hesitantly. _You knew they were going to need to see it_, she told herself. _It's a crime scene until they can prove otherwise._ "Follow me."

Everyonen followed her to the room, and Jess gently grabbed her hand when everyone saw the mess Julia had made. Jess couldn't believe how much paint had been thrown all over the place. _She didn't touch the poem_, Jess realized. _She threw paint on every single wall except the one where Casey wrote that poem_. She squeezed Casey's hand and gave her a reassuring smile. "I think she just got scared," she whispered. "She just doesn't want to be a burden to you guys."

"We would never let that happen."

"I know that, honey. I know. I just don't think she really understands it. I think with everything she's been through, when she heard you talking, she just...got scared."

"Ms. Novak," Officer Sims said loudly. "We've seen everything we need to see in here. We're going to send a few search parties out to look for her. Would you mind if we kept this picture?" He pointed to a picture that was hanging on the wall. It was her school picture that had been taken a few months earlier. "Do you have any copies of it?"

"Yeah, in my desk. I'll get some for you. Hand them out to everyone you can."

"We're going to do everything we can to bring Julia home."

"Thank you."

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"You wanna check the messages before we go to bed?" Olivia asked as she pulled her pajama shirt on. "Whoever was calling called about five times. We should probably at least listen to see who it was."

Alex sighed and scrunched up her face. "I guess we should," she said, slightly annoyed. She rolled over and pressed the play button on the phone charger.

_"Guys, this is Casey. If you're there, please pick up...Hello? Come on you two, answer the phone! I need you guys. Julia ran away and I don't know what to do! Guys, please answer! Hello? Answer, please! Alex and Liv, please - "_

They stared at each other in horror as Casey's desperate pleas were cut off by the machine. There had been so much fear and panic in her voice. They were surprised they hadn't heard her leaving the message while they were in the shower.

"We have to get over there," Alex said.

"Let's get dressed. Come on."

Alex threw on a sweatshirt and jeans as quickly as she could. "How the hell did we not hear that?"

"I don't know," Olivia answered, zipping up her jeans and grabbing her purse. "But we have to get to Casey's as soon as we can."

"I shouldn't have been so caught up in myself and my problems," Alex said suddenly, stopping at the door. "I was so focused on my need to stay close to you that I made you ignore the phone. I knew it had to be important if they were calling that often. I should have -"

"Alex don't do this," Olivia said sternly. "Don't you dare blame yourself. We both knew it was probably an important call, but we needed to focus on you then, and that's okay. Neither one of us could have guessed this had happened." She took a deep breath and squeezed Alex's hands. "We're going to go over there now and we're going to do whatever we can to help her."

"Okay," Alex answered shakily, following Olivia to the door. She felt horrible about ignoring Casey's calls. Yes, she had needed to be with Olivia while the phone was ringing, but she wished she could have ignored that need for a few seconds and picked up the phone. Casey had sounded so scared on the phone. "We should have answered it. We should be there right now."

Olivia glanced over momentarily before returning her eyes to the road. She gently squeezed Alex's hand and pressed harder on the gas pedal. "We're on our way, honey. We'll be there soon."

"I feel like the most selfish person on the planet right now."

"Don't," Olivia said firmly. "Casey needs us right now, Alex. She needs us to be strong for her. She's not going to blame us. She's going to be relieved when we get there, ready to do whatever she needs us to do."

Alex pulled her hand out of Olivia's grasp and turned to look out her side window. "Just get us there as fast as you can," she mumbled. Olivia's words weren't helping much. She was blaming herself for her stupid needs, and she was going to keep doing that until she was sure Casey wasn't angry with her.

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Alex didn't even bother knocking. As soon as Olivia parked the car, she jumped out and ran for the front door. She walked right in and immediately wrapped her arms around Casey, who was startled by her sudden entrance. "I'm so sorry, Casey," Alex said sadly. "I'm so sorry I ignored your calls." She pulled out of the hug and gently pushed Casey's hair behind her ears. "What can I do? Can I get you anything?"

Casey managed a small but grateful smile as Alex spoke. "I forgot you had your therapy session tonight. I didn't remember until after I'd called several times. I shouldn't have called you so many times."

"Casey, don't," Alex told her. "Of course you called us. I'm so sorry we didn't answer."

"It's okay. I'm just glad you guys came over."

"We came over as soon as we heard your message."

"I know you did."

"We're all here now," Jess spoke up suddenly, carrying out a cup of coffee for herself and Casey. "The police left and are doing...whatever it is they do during a time like this." She handed Casey her cup and looked around the room. "I feel like we should be doing something though. Sitting around here doesn't seem right."

Casey sat down on the couch and sighed. "Fin, Elliot, Munch, and Steve are all out looking for her."

There was an uneasy silence in the room as everyone realized that none of the people looking for her were women. While she knew and trusted Steve, nobody knew how she would respond to him in this situation. Alex swallowed slowly and quietly broke the silence. "Do you think she'd go to any of them if they found her?"

"I don't know," Casey answered honestly. "I don't know what to think right now."

"Okay," Alex said softly, pulling out her cell phone. "I'm going to call the guys and see if they can come pick us up. That way, one of us girls will be with them when we find her. How does that sound?"

Casey nodded, though she was having trouble staying focused. She couldn't keep her mind from wandering, thinking about all the horrible things that Julia could be going through right now. "Yeah," she finally managed to say. "That sounds good. Why don't we all go out with them and look for her? That might work. We might find her if we do that."

Jess stepped forward and hesitantly placed her hand on Casey's shoulder. "I think someone should stay here just in case she comes home," she said gently. "Or if someone calls with any information. Plus, we can't really take the twins out this late." She took a deep breath and looked over at her sleeping children. "Why don't you and I stay here? I don't want you to be here alone."

"No," Casey said quickly. "I have to be out there. I have to find her."

"There's already a lot of people looking for her, and we're about to add a few more. Somebody really needs to stay here."

"Yeah," Allen said, speaking up for the first time. "I'll join in with someone and I'm sure Alex and Liv will split up and go with some of the guys." He tried his best to give her a reassuring smile. "We'll do everything we can to find her, Case."

"I want to be out there looking for her."

"Casey, she needs you here at home, just in case. Everyone we know is going to be out there trying to find her. We need to stay here and try to clean up the room a little bit. I know we can't do much, but we can at least mop up the wet paint and get her bed ready for when she does come home."

This wasn't happening. Every single one of her friends was either standing in front of her or driving aroudn New York City looking for her twelve-year-old daughter. Just four hours ago, everything had been fine. Then Steve had come home, telling her he lost his job. Julia had overheard, completely trashed her room, and taken off towards God knows where. She didn't even know where to begin or what to do. "Maybe we could...start cleaning the room or something."

Allen grabbed his keys and walked to the door, Alex and Olivia following close behind. "We'll go out and meet up with everyone else," Olivia said. "Then we'll split up and look for her."

"Thanks you guys. I don't even know what to say..."

"We'll do everything we can, Case," Olivia said, and then walked outside, closing the door behind her.

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Elliot sped down the street, siren blaring, as he desperately scanned the sidewalks, looking for any signs of Julia. Olivia sat beside him, her eyes trying to look at every single person as they sped by. This was too much. Cragen had warned the entire squad that they still had to report on time the following morning, and that a runaway child from another district was not what IAB would want them to focus on. He did, however, make sure that they understood that he supported them one hundred and ten percent. He initially wanted to go out and help look, but realized that someone needed to stay at the station. They were to call him as soon as they heard anything, and he would call them if the information came to him first.

"You have no idea how much I miss this," Elliot said quietly. "It's not the same without you sitting in that seat."

Olivia took her eyes off the street for a few seconds and looked over at him. "I miss it, too, El."

"We've been horrible at keeping in touch with you. We should have called, or come over and visited. It's been weeks now. There's no excuse for it. We're all a family and the guys and I haven't been doing our job at keeping you a part of that."

"We are all a family," Olivia said, returning her eyes to the people they were driving past. "But in a different way now. I wish we could see each other every day like we used to, but we can't. You guys have lives to live. It's not like any of us really hung out and did stuff outside of work. Yeah, we had the occasional drink every now and then, but that was pretty much it."

Elliot shook his head and slammed his hands against the steering wheel. "That's not good enough, dammit! I miss you, Liv. We all miss you. It's nust not the same without you. Your desk is empty and it's just..." his voice drifted off as his eyes began to water. He couldn't believe he was nearly crying in front of her. He never did that. "I don't want to lose you, Liv. You're one of my best friends."

Olivia reached over and placed her hand on his thigh. "And you're one of the best damned friends I've ever had, Elliot. You were the first person I ever told about my father and what my mother did to me. You were the first person I ever really, truly trusted." She grinned and laughed lightly. "I swear if I wasn't gay I totally wouldn't have tried to help you fix things with Kathy...I'd want you all to myself."

"You're a character, Benson," he said, then sighed. "We have to find her, Liv. Casey loves her too much to lose her."

"I know she does."

"She came out of her hospital room that day and...I don't know, I've never seen her react that way before. She really loves that little girl."

Olivia nodded, trying to return her focus to the people outside. "We all love her. That's why we're going to find her and bring her home."

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She'd spent the night under the steps of a mom and pop food store. She was cold, starving, and alone. Nobody was on the street she'd turned onto, which had actually scared her. More people meant she was less likely to get mugged...or worse. She'd noticed the space under the stairs and crawled under quickly. After feeling around for a few minutes, she'd found an unopened Snickers bar and eaten it. It didn't even come close to satisfying her hunger, but at least it was something.

"Fucking lying commericals," she said, half jokingly, as she threw the wrapper. "Hungry? Grab a Snickers. Ha, more like ten Snickers." She was going to have to find something to eat come morning. She'd left in such a hurry that she hadn't been able to grab much money. She only had about five dollars left, and that certainly wasn't going to last very long. She'd be lucky if she could get a sandwich and a bottle of water with it.

Cars were passing by every now and then. She couldn't really see the sky from where she was, but she was pretty sure it was going to start raining soon. It was getting colder, the wind was blowing harder, and it was starting to smell like rain. She curled as far under the stairs as she could, but she knew that if it started pouring hard, she'd still get wet. "Please, God," she begged as she wrapped her sweater around her. "Help me."

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Okay, I think this one turned out pretty long, but I'm not sure. It kind of felt that way while I was writing it.

Thanks to all of you who've stuck with it this long. I know it's kind of getting to be a _really_ long story. I also know that several chapters ago I said it was almost over, and then threw ina bunch more stuff. Now I'm saying it again, only this time I really mean it. The story's almost over. Probably four or five more. I promise to tie up everything, but there's not much else I can add to it. Plus, I'm really anxious to get started on my next one...

And for the record, I really hate WordPad.


	59. Found

Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.

I've got a restaurant in here called Pasta Luigi. It's purely from my imagination. If any such restaurant actually exists, it is pure coincidence. The one in this story is my own, as is the owner of it. There, I made a disclaimer about it...

I still don't have Word. WordPad still sucks. Grammar, spelling, etc. may still suck, too.

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There's so much paint in here," Casey said softly. She had pulled all of the towels and rags she owned and brought them up to Julia's room. She and Jess were hoping to at least salvage something in the room. There wasn't much they could do, but she knew she needed to keep herself busy. She'd go crazy if she didn't. "The paint's just everywhere, Jess. It would be so much easier to just pull everything out and get all new stuff at this point. Cleaning seems impossible right now. I don't even see a point in doing it anymore."

_For one, it'll keep your mind on the cleaning rather than on Julia_, Jess thought. She took a deep breath and tried to smile. "Becuase it'll be easier to get everything out of here if we clean it first. The carpet will definitely have to come out, but I don't think she got any of the paint on her bed. At least that's one thing that won't have to be replaced."

Casey piled the towels on the floor in the doorway and pulled her hair back into a ponytail and tightened it as much as she could. "I don't know how I'm going to do this," she muttered. "Steve lost his job, I took off the next several weeks for Julia's trial, almost all of her stuff is going to have to be replaced..." She tightened her ponytail again and shook her head. "Maybe I should just...try to get back the mony I spent on the Disney trip."

"Absolutely not," Jess said firmly. "That child deserves to go to Disney World more than anybody I know."

"I don't know what else to do!" Casey screamed angrily. "I don't know how else to pay for everything!" She shook her head and put her hands up, preventing Jess from coming any closer and offering any support. "And don't you even dare think about telling me you'll pay for everything. The last thing I need right now is to have you give me any more money." She turned around and began pacing back and forth, not even caring that she was getting paint all over her shoes. "Dammit! Why can't I even provide for my own child?" She turned back around to face Jess, tears pouring down her cheeks. "I can't do this! I'm not cut out for it."

"Yes you can, and yes you are," Jess said softly, not wanting to sound too patronizing. She knew Casey would catch onto that very quickly. She stood still for a minute, trying to decide what action would best help Casey. "Right now, the most important thing Julia needs is your love and support. She doesn't care about money or nice things or anything like that. Your love is what she needs, Case. She never got that until she met you, and you'd better believe that it's the one thing she needs more than anything."

"Well I don't really see any other option. Disney World's not going to be cheap."

"Case, don't worry about the money right now."

"Don't you fucking tell me not to worry about the money! You've never had to live like I do. You've never had to go to sleep at night wondering if you're going to be able to take care of your family. You have no idea -"

"You're right," Jess interrupted. "But I love Julia, and I'm not going to allow you to take away her Disney World vacation. She deserves it, Case. I know you know that. Now just set aside your pride for two seconds and let us help you help her. We're family, Case. We're _all_ a family."

Jess was yelling at her. Someone was actually fighting back with her. She wasn't used to people doing that with her. She could usually argue her way out of anything, but Jess wasn't backing down. She had no reason to back down. Casey took a deep breath and felt her anger dissipating. She hadn't meant to yell at Jess, and she was relieved that Jess had actually yelled back. Her emotions had gotten the best of her and she'd just snapped. Jess had managed to stay pretty calm even though she'd been yelling at her. She wiped a tear from her face and smiled. As much as she wanted to apologize, she couldn't find the right words. Jess must have sensed this, because before Casey realized what was happening, Jess' arms were wrapped around her.

"Don't torture yourself, and don't blame yourself," Jess told her calmly. She stepped back and smiled a little. "Now let's do what we can to clean up this room. We can't do everything, but every little bit helps."

"You're right," Casey said, sighing and picking up a towel. She looked around the room and nodded firmly. "Let's do this."

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They all met at the local Italian eatery that everybody knew and loved. Pasta Luigi it was called.Nobody was quite sure why Luigi called it that, since he only served two pasta dishes, but they weren't really concerned. All they cared about was that it was a nice restaurant, with decent food at cheap prices. Even better, they had large tables in the back that were pretty private. It was a popular spot for local cops, but luckily for them, it was relatively slow right now. The last thing they wanted was to have a bunch of cops listening in on their business. Yes, it would have helped to have more people looking for Julia, but right now, they just needed to be alone. They didn't want to be surrounded by a bunch of people.

Olivia put Julia's picture in the center of the table and rested her chin on her hands. Elliot and Steve were next to her, Fin and Munch were across the table. Nobody knew what to say, and Steve's presence definitely made things even more awkward. He was definitely aiding in their search, but having the father of the child they were looking for definitely added a feeling of urgency none of them were used to dealing with. Yes, they were all scared and worried, especially since it was for someone they all knew and loved, but it was completely different having Steve sitting right there.

"It's been almost forty-eight hours," Steve spoke up nervously. He looked around at all of their tired faces, and then down to the picture of his daughter. "Isn't that bad? Don't you guys usually say the first forty-eight hours are the most critical? After that, her odds are way lower..."

"We usually say that for kidnap victims," Elliot spoke softly. It was always hard talking to the parents, and knowing all parties involved didn't make things any easier. "But yeah, the first forty-eight hours are the most important. We're not going to give up though."

Olivia nodded and looked over at Steve. "We're not going to stop looking, Steve. Julia's family, okay?"

Steve nodded in agreement, but his eyes shifted away from everyone. They'd all spent the last forty or so hours driving around New York, desperately searching for his twelve-year-old daughter. He didn't know how to thank them. Munch and Fin had gone back to the station for a few hours to interrogate a suspect and do some paperwork, but they'd returned to the search as soon as they were finished. He, Elliot, and Olivia had pretty much searched non-stop. They were tired, hungry, and stressed, but still they pushed on, refusing to give up.

"We'll get something to eat, then get home and rest for a bit," Munch said. "There's no use driving around any more. We're all tired as hell and our eyes aren't as good as they were forty-eight hours ago." He pulled out his wallet and put the money on the table. "I got it tonight," he told all of them. "Everyone go home and rest up. I want to start as early as possible tomorrow."

"Yeah," Steve muttered in agreement, though he knew he wasn't going to be able to sleep. Casey and Jess had spent most of the time cleaning Julia's room, and Jess had called him to let him know when Casey had finally passed out from exhaustion. He was relieved to hear that she was able to at least get a little rest. "I really should go spend some time with Casey anyway." He felt a little guilty that he hadn't been with her this whole time, but he wouldn't have been able to offer her much support. He needed to be out searching for Julia. Jess had stayed with Casey, so he knew his wife was being taken care of. Besides, Jess was probably able to help her more than he could right now. "Thanks, guys."

Everyone nodded and ate their food silently. There wasn't much anyone could say to make the situation any less miserable, so they didn't even bother trying. Munch didn't make any jokes, so Fin didn't have to snap back at him. Elliot didn't try to jokingly flirt with Olivia, so she didn't have to jokingly shoot him down. Instead, they ate in silence, each left to their own silent thoughts.

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She huddled behind the two blue trash cans as she watched him dump the food into the dumpster behind his restaurant. A little bit of steam rose up, which meant that the food was still relatively warm. That was a good sign. It was the first positive thing she'd seen all day. Eating out of the trash can didn't excatly sound like fun, but she didn't have any money left, so there really wasn't much of an option. "It's better than nothing," she told herself, trying to gather up the courage to eat food out of the dumpster. "At least I know it's still warm and fresh. It's better than picking something that's been sitting there for God knows how long."

She waited until he had gone back inside before she started to make her way over to the dumpster. She'd run into a guy on the street earlier that day who had kindly told her that Pasta Luigi's was the best place to get food. He'd also told her that he'd make sure the regulars let her have first dibs. That made her feel a little better. She didn't want to have to fight a bunch of homeless people for food. That would have made her feel guilty...since she technically had a place to go home to. Plus, the owner of the restaurant didn't care if people hung out back there and ate from his trash. Most other places wouldn't allow it, but Luigi sometimes kept the food in boxes, just for that purpose.

All of the food was pretty much just dumped in, but she saw a few boxes off to the side that looked like they had been intentionally set there for someone to come in and take whenever they needed. She smiled sadly, grateful that Luigi had done that. She grabbed two full boxes and put them down by her bag, then grabbed an empty box and filled it with noodles and what she was pretty sure was chicken. She wasn't really sure what everything was, but now wasn't the time to be picky. She knew there was definitely alfredo sauce, and she was pretty sure the green stuff on the other noodles was pesto. She took a bite and sighed happily. It was delicious...probably because it was the first thing she'd had to eat in nearly twenty-four hours.

She grabbed her three full containers and walked around the dumpster so she could hide from everyone's view. The smell wasn't that great, and she'd get pretty wet if it rained. There was a roof over her, but it was three floors above her, so the wind was bound to blow most of the rain onto where she was sitting. She had a large dumpster o her left and a building on her right and behind her. She wasn't as cold as she had been the night before, but as she curled up into a ball and placed her head on her backpack, she started to regret her decision to run away.

"I'm sorry mom and dad," she said, looking up at the sky. Clouds were quickly forming, and she realized that it was going to rain again. She had no idea where in the city of New York she was. Maybe if she did, she would have tried to find her way home. Instead, she curled up as tight as she could and cried herself to sleep, completely unaware that the people searching for here were eating in that very restaurant, sitting less than fifty feet from away her.

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"Hey, honey," Steve said softly, walking into the bedroom and wrapping his arms around Casey. Jess, Allen, and the twins were sleeping in the guest room. It was late, so nobody wanted them driving home. Plus, Jess and Allen didn't really want to leave Casey and Steve. They all wanted to stay together just in case new information about Julia came up. "How are you holding up?"

Casey shook her head and leaned against him. "Okay I guess. I don't really know. I don't know what I'm feeling right now." She hated how weak her voice sounded right now. She was so used to staying strong and composed. Sure, cases got to her, but she never allowed anyone to see how much - not even her own husband. Now that her daughter had run away, she finally understood the pain of grieving parents. "I feel like I don't know anything right now, Steve."

"I know, honey. I feel the same way."

"New York's such a big city, and she's so little. I just...Steve, it's been two days. She's been gone two days."

He pulled her closer and helped her out of her clothes. "We gotta stay positive," he told her, pulling her tee shirt over her head. "I'm scared, too, but we have to stay strong. She needs us to be strong."

"I know," she said as she climbed into bed and snuggled against him. She didn't realize just how exhausted she was until she laid her head on his chest and closed her eyes. "Jess and I did a lot of cleaning," she whispered, already starting to fall asleep. "At least the room's clean enough for her to sleep in."

"You did great, honey," he told her, closing his eyes as well. "You did great."

"Tell me we're going to get her back. Steve, tell me we're gonna get her back."

Steve hesitated. Casey wasn't the kind of person who liked it when people lied to make her feel better. She also wasn't the kind of person who appreciated it when people made empty promises. Still, it sounded like this was one of those few occasions that she needed to be reassured, no matter how empty that reassurance may be. "We're going to do everything in our power to get her back," he said, unable to promise her anything. He wasn't sure he'd be able to say it even if he tried. "And we're not ever going to give up."

She looked up at him and cupped his face. There was more worry in his eyes than she'd ever seen before. It scared her. He never worried about everything. He was always so calm and carefree. She smiled and shook her head. "Julia is in so much trouble when she gets home," she joked, not knowing what else to do. "I think I'm going to ground her until she's thirty."

"Or until she's forty," Steve said, though there was no joking tone in his voice. He reached over and pushed the hair out of Casey's eyes. "I love you, Case. I'm so sorry about all of this."

"Steve, it's not your fault. Yeah, you lost your job, but even that wasn't your fault. They pretty much just got rid of your entire department." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes once again. "We'll figure this all out. I know we will..."

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Her cell phone rang and she answered it even before the first ring was over. "Hello?"

"Mrs. Benson?"

Olivia groaned sleepily and rubbed her eyes. She rolled over and looked at her alarm clock, a slight panic setting in as she saw the time. It was five-thirty in the morning. Who was calling her at five-thirty in the morning? If anyone was calling her about Julia, it would be someone she knew, and none of them would call her Mrs. Benson.

"Yeah, who is this?"

"This is Luigi from Pasta Luigi."

_What the hell_? Olivia thought._Why are you calling me at this hour?_ She didn't even know how to respond to that. She didn't even think he knew her name. He even knew to call her Mrs. That was weird. He must have been paying an awful lot of attention to her during her visits...and how had he gotten her phone number in the first place? She was pretty sure she'd never given it to him.

He realized that she wasn't responding, so he spoke again. "I saw you and your friends today at restaurant and I see picture of little girl you're looking for. I believe I find little girl for you."

"What?" Olivia asked, not quite sure she'd heard him correctly. "Luigi, say that again."

"Yes. I think I find little girl you're looking for. I remember her picture when you eat here today. I clean out my restaurant this morning and find little girl sleeping in alley. I invite her inside because it is raining very hard and she getting very wet. She come inside and I tell her I go cook her some warm food. I come back out and she take all her clothes off and ask me what she must do. I give her my coat but somebody hurt her long time ago. I promise Mrs. Benson I did not hurt her. She still here in restaurant eating my chicken pasta. I give her my coat too because she is cold."

Olivia sat up straight and shook Alex's arm. "Luigi," she said into the phone, looking over at Alex and pulling her up into a seated position. "Is she okay? Is she hurt or anything?"

"I do not know," he answered. "She is hungry and cold, but she look okay."

She rubbed her eyes and smiled excitedly at Alex. "Okay, Luigi, you have to keep her there. Tell her you'll give her some more food or some more warm clothes or something. Just make sure she stays there. I'll be over in a few minutes, okay?"

"I will not let her leave restaurant."

"Thank you. Luigi, thank you so much."

"You will come and bring little girl home?"

"Yeah," Olivia answered, tears forming in her eyes. "I'm going to bring her home."

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Olivia and Alex were at Casey's door in a matter of minutes. "We found her!" Olivia and Alex screamed as soon as Casey opened the door. They couldn't keep the smiles off their faces as they all flung their arms around Casey and Steve. "Luigi from the restuarant called and said she's there!" Olivia told them, trying her best to stay calm. "We're going to go get her as soon as we can, okay?"

Casey's knees gave out and she collapsed to the floor, bringing Alex with her. "She's okay?" She asked, though only a whisper came out.

"Yeah, I think so. Luigi says she's doing pretty well," Alex assured her. "You go get yourself dressed and I'll drive you and Steve over to see her, okay? We'll take you over to see her and then we'll take her home."

"Can we really bring her home today?" Steve asked hopefully.

"I don't know," Olivia answered honestly. She wanted to stay positive, but she also knew better than to make a promise she may not be able to keep. "I don't know how she's doing, and I don't know what's going to happen with any kind of investigation. I'm going to call the guys at the station. We've got this case. Julia disappeared in our district and she was found in our district. I'm sure everyone at the precinct will do their best to get her home as quickly as possible. There's going to have to be a report and everything, but I'm sure it won't take too long."

Casey looked up with tears of hope in her eyes. "Can I at least see her? Can I see her before she's taken away?"

"Nobody's going to take her away," Olivia told her. "You can see her just as soon as we do. I don't think there'll be any problem allowing you to stay with her if we have to keep her at the hospital over night or anything either."

Casey scrunched up her face and looked down. "What if she doesn't want to see us? I mean, she ran away from here, so what if she doesn't want to see us anymore?" She looked up and met Olivia's eyes. "Do you think you could talk to her first and see? If she doesn't want to see us, I don't think I can stand to hear her say that."

"Honey, I will absolutely talk to her if that's what you want me to do."

"And be gentle with her. I know everyone's upset and everything, but don't yell at her. I don't think that's what she needs right now."

"I won't yell at her...and I know for a fact that she's going to want to see you, okay?"

"I don't want to have any hope of anything otherwise until I know I'm wrong," Casey said, standing up weakly and holding on to Steve. "I don't want to give myself any false hope." She swallowed hard and tugged on Steve's arm. She hadn't shed a single tear that night, and she wasn't going to start crying now. "Come on. Let's go get dressed."

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"Julia, don't run," Olivia said softly as she slowly made her way over to the table where Julia was sitting. She frowned when Julia jumped in surprise and began looking for a way to escape. She sat down in the booth, across the table from Julia, and quickly grabbed the child's hand. "It's okay. It's just you and me right now."

Julia's breathing quickened and she started panicking. Luigi had promised that he hadn't called anybody! She was going to be in so much trouble now. Her punishment was going to be so bad. Everyone was going to be so disappoitned in her. That was the one thing that worried her most. She could deal with a punishment. She just didn't want to see the anger and disappointment in her parents' eyes. She'd worked so hard for so long to please them so they wouldn't send her away. Now that she'd actually been the one sending herself away, she didn't want to see theri reactions.

Olivia gave Julia's hand a gentle squeeze and smiled warmly. "Hey, sweetie," she whispered when Julia finally looked at her.

"Hi, Aunt Liv."

"You gave us quite a scare there, sweetheart."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."

"I'm sure that wasn't your intention, but your parents...and everyone else for that matter...have all been worried sick about you."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really. We all love you very, very much."

"I just didn't want to be a burden to anybody."

Olivia shook her head. "You could never be a burden."

"Is my mom really mad?"

Olivia laughed lightly. " She's pretty upset," she answered honestly. "But to tell you the truth, she just wants to see you again. Your dad does, too. They missed you like crazy." She took a deep breath and met the child's eyes. "They love you as much as they would love their own flesh and blood. In their hearts, you _are_ their daughter. This was really, really hard for them."

"I love them, too."

"They're waiting outside...if you want to see them."

Julia hesitated for a minute. "I really messed up my room...and I mean, I _really, really_ messed it up. Are you sure they want to see me after everything I did? I don't know if I'd want to see me."

"I'm sure, honey. They want to see you more than anything else in this world."

"Will you walk out there with me?"

"You bet, kiddo," Olivia said, wrapping her arm around Julia and walking to the door.

"Hey, Aunt Liv?"

"Yeah, sweetie?"

"Am I gonna be able to go back home...or are they gonna send me away?"

Olivia squeezed her shoulders tight and smiled. "You're going to go home, and your parents are going to love you just as much as they loved you the day they decided to adopt you."

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"I go to throw food in garbage can and I see little backpack in corner of alley," Luigi told Munch and Fin. They were sitting in a booth on the other side of the restaurant as Olivia and Julia. He understood that the police had to talk to him, but he was still nervous. He always felt like they were going to find something to falsely accuse him of some crime. "I find girl sleeping there, so I tell her to come inside and get some warm food because it is raining. I get her to booth and I go to cook some food for her. When I come back out, she has taken off all clothes and ask me what she must do to eat. I tell her food is free and I give her my coat to keep warm. Then I call Mrs. Benson."

Munch looked over at Fin and made a few notes in his notepad. "Thank you," he said, nodding and looking back up at Luigi. The guy seemed legit. He'd knonw Luigi for years now, and he knew the man wasn't capable of harming another human being. He stood up and grabbed his coat, then frowned. "I just have to ask...How'd you get Benson's phone number?"

He smiled warmly and pulled up his pants a little. "She leave her card here one time. I put it on board in my office. Lots of girls come in here at night and sometimes Luigi wants to call Mrs. Benson to let her know about girls who are hurt. Then Mrs. Benson stop working at police station, but I keep card. I don't know why, but I'm glad I did."

"So are we," Fin said. "Thanks, big guy. We'll definitely be eating here again."

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Casey and Steve gripped each other's hands tightly and stared at the restaurant doors. Alex, Jess, Allen, and the twins were all waiting together a few feet behind them. Olivia had gone inside about an hour ago to talk to her, and they could hardly contain their excitement. They'd found her. They'd found their daughter. Julia was okay, and she was coming home.

Suddenly, the doors of the restaurant opened slolwy and Olivia stepped out. She offered Casey and Steve a small but reassuring smile as she turned her head back into the restaurant. "Come on, sweetie," she said to Julia. Gently taking Julia's hand in hers, she tugged lightly and pulled the girl outside. "Your parents are waiting for you right out here."

Casey's eyes widened and she felt like she couldn't catch her breath. There she was. Julia was standing less than twenty feet away from her. She was okay. She wasn't hurt or anything like what Casey had seen in her nightmares. She put her hands over her mouth and cried. "Thank God," she said, running towards Julia, tears pouring from her eyes. "Thank you, God."

Julia's bottom lip trembled as she saw her Casey running towards her. "M...mom?" she asked hesitantly. She saw tears falling down her mother's cheeks, and she was worried she was about to be punished. As her mother got closer, however, Julia realized she wasn't going to be punished...at least, not right away. The relief and love she saw in her mother's eyes was enough to convince her that she was safe now.

Casey's arms were around Julia in a matter of seconds. "Oh, God, Jules. Thank you, God."

Her feet were lifted up off the ground before she realized what was happening. She'd never realized just how tall her mother was...or just how short she was. "Mom...mom, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I -"

"What the hell were you thinking?" Casey asked, more out of worry than anger, but she saw the fear rise up in Julia's eyes. "We were so worried about you, Julia! We didn't know where you were or what was happening! You destroyed your room and just took off. I was so scared I was never going to see you again!"

Julia swallowed hard and looked away. "I thought that would be easier for you."

"You what?"

"Dad lost his job. You took off a bunch of time so you could help me do my trial. I just...money's gonna be tight and you spent so much on the trip to Disney World. I thought it'd be easier if you had one less person to pay for. I mean...I'm the reason most of your money's gone."

"No," Casey said, putting Julia down and brushing the hair out of her face. "We're just a little down on our luck right now, but you are by no means to be blamed for that. Your father and I _want_ to take you to Disney World, and we're going to make that happen." She smiled weakly and pulled her daughter close. "I'm going to be honest with you, honey. Dad lost his job. I took time off so I could help you prepare for the trial. There's not going to be much money coming in right now."

"So do you need me to go back to foster care so you don't have to pay for me anymore?"

Casey shook her head firmly and looked into Julia's eyes. "Julia, that's the last thing we need right now. Your father and I love you so very, very much. We need you, Jules. You make us so happy." She wiped away a tear and held Julia's hand as she looked over at everyone else. They were all waiting patiently, wanting to let Julia approach them rather than the other way around. "You're part of this family. It's not complete without you."

Julia looked over at everyone, then back up at her mother. "Can I come home?" she asked, her voice shaking with fear.

"Yeah, honey," Casey said. "You can come home."

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Hopefully, the grammar, spelling, etc. doesn't totally suck. If there are any major mistakes, let me know...


	60. Picking up the Pieces

Disclaimer: Same old, same old. I own Jess, Allen, Steve, and now Julia. Dick owns everyone else. I'm still sad about it, too.

I'm also sad that I still don't have Word, so again with the apologies for possibly bad spelling, grammar, etc. Let me know if there are any major mistakes or anything...blagh.

Sorry about the delay in posting. This week was the last week of my internship, so I was pretty busy. I was away at the beach the week before, so I really haven't had time to update. Hopefully everything is spelled right and what not. I'm thinking only two (maybe three, but not likely) more chapters after this one. I'm really eager to get started on my next story...

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Everyone reluctantly agreed that Julia needed to stay in the hospital for at least one night. They all wanted her to be able to just go home with her parents, but they also knew that it was safer to let her spend the night at the hospital. There were several cuts and bruises that needed to be cleaned, and she had a mild case of hypothermia. The paramedics practically had to rip her from Casey's arms. Olivia came over and gently pulled Casey away. "I'll ride with her."

"But I want to go with her! I want to ride with her."

"I know you do," Olivia said firmly. "But you need to talk to Elliot and Fin. Munch's going to talk to some people a few blocks over. We have to follow procedure, Case. You know that just as well as everyone here."

Casey furrowed her eyebrows. "Why's he going to talk to people a few blocks over?"

"Because apparently a couple found her sleeping under their store's steps and told her to leave," Olivia said softly. "He's going to talk to them, Case. Don't worry about it. Right now, worry about talking to Elliot and Fin. Alex is going to stick around and give you a ride to the hosptial."

"They kicked her out? She's a child!"

"And that's why Munch is going over there to talk to them. We have to do this right, Case."

Casey knew she had to stay and Let Olivia go with Julia. She knew she had to let Munch go talk to the horrible couple who hadn't offered Julia any help. She knew she had tos tay here and talk to Elliot and Fin. Still, she desperately wanted to shove Olivia out of the way and run over to the ambulance. That was the worst thing she could do, however, and she knew it. She didn't want to do anything to hinder this process. The last thing she wanted was to do something that would prevent Julia from being allowed to come home. "Okay," she said after several minutes. "Take care of her."  
"I will," Olivia promised. She squeezed Casey's hand and walked over to the ambulance. She smiled and climbed inside. "Hey, kiddo," she said as she sat down. "I'm gonna ride with you. Is that okay?"

Julia nodded weakly and tried not to panic as the EMTs climbed in around her. "Where's my mom? Why isn't she here? Are you riding with me because she doesn't want to?"

"No, honey," Olivia assured her. She reached over and gently brushed the hair out of Julia's face, wincing with the child as one of the EMTs stuck the i.v. needle into her arm. "It's okay," she whispered gently. She waited until the EMTs were done before continuing. "She just has to talk with the cops some more. She's going to meet us at the hospital just as soon as she's done."

"Do you promise?"

"I promise."

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"Steve and I were talking about how they'd laid him off at work," Casey said hurriedly. She desperately wanted to get this over with so she could go to the hospital and hold Julia close. "He'd come home pretty late and I was worried. We went outside because we thought she was upstairs in her room doing her homework...we thought her windows were closed. I guess we figured we could talk out there without having to worry about her hearing us." She sighed and rubbed her temples. "He just needed to talk about how upset he was and what we were going to do."

"She said our only two options were for me to find another job or for us to send Julia back to foster care," Steve continued, wrapping hs arm around Casey's shoulders. "Case didn't mean anything by it. We were both just really stressed. Julia must have heard us. I think she stopped listening then. Otherwise she would have heard Casey say that she'd die before sending her back."

Fin nodded solemnly as he wrote everything down. He hated that he had to make them do this. It was the only way to make sure Julia went back to live with them. "I'm sorry guys," he said, following their gaze over to the ambulance as it sped away. "We gotta do this one right though. Otherwise, social services'll be all over our asses and it'll take months to get her back."

"Thanks, Fin," Casey said as they all walked over to Alex, who was waiting by her car.

Fin offered a small, but reassuring smile and nodded. "Just call us if you need anything, okay?"

"We will."

Steve and Casey climbed into the car and Alex pulled out onto the road. Nobody said anything, and it was anything but a comfortable silence. Alex was feeling terrible about having ignored the numerous calls Casey and Steve had made to her. Casey and Steve, while they definitely weren't upset with her in any way, didn't really know what to say right now. They all decided to just stare out the window and pray that they arrived soon.

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"Where is she?" Casey demanded, racing through the emergency room doors and straight to the nurses' station. "Julia Novak. Where the hell is she?"

"Calm down, miss," the receptionist said curtly. "I need to know who you are before I'll let you just waltz in there and see her. We run a very strict - "

"I'm her mother, damnit!"

The woman smiled in annoyance and pulled out the file. "I'm afraid you can't see her right now."

"What do you mean?" Casey asked, panicked.

"I mean, I've been orderd to not allow you to see her. You and your husband are prohibited from going into her room until further notice."  
"What?" Casey screamed. She stormed around the counter and started walking down the hallway, but she was greeted by two security guards who grabbed her arms and dragged her back out into the waiting room. "Let go of me!" she screamed.

"Miss, you need to stay out here right now. As soon as the cops tell us you can go in, we'll let you."

_The cops_? she wondered. Was everyone from the station really preventing her from seeing her own daughter? They wouldn't possibly do that, would they? They all knew she wasn't going to hurt Julia! "What do you mean?"

"Well, she did run away from _you_," the receptionist behind the counter scolded. "Obviously something wasn't right in your home. What kind of people would we be if we let in the one person that she was trying to run away from?"

The security guards hushed her before Casey could respond. "It won't take long," the one on the right said. "There's a cop in with her and her friend right now. Hopefully you'll be able to see her soon."

Casey sat down in the chair behind her and ran her fingers through her hair. She couldn't believe this was happening. She'd promised Julia that she'd meet her at the hospital just as soon as she could. Now it was going to take longer, which was the last thing her daughter needed right now. "Fuck," she muttered.

"Do you want a cup of coffee or anything?" the officer asked.

"No I don't want a cup of fucking coffee," she retorted, then sighed. This guy was just doing his job. He was trying his best to be as nice as possible to her, too. She looked up and tried to smile. "I'm sorry. No, I...I don't think I really want a cup of coffee, but thank you."

He nodded and smiled a little. "We get a lot of runaways in here. Most of the time, it's just kids who are trying to get a break from their parents or something. You don't look like the kind of person who's hurting her little girl, so I'm sure this'll work out real soon."

Just then, a uniformed officer who Casey did not recognize came walking down the hall and whispered into the officer's ear. The officer immediately smiled and turned to Casey. "He's just finished talking to your daughter and Mrs. Benson. Mrs. Benson has assured him that you're not a danger, and Julia's been begging to see you for some time now." He looked over to the receptionist and frowned. "What room are they in?"

"Room 107, but she's probably sleeping by now. Maybe you should have thought about how you treated me before you entered this emergency room. If you had been nicer, maybe I would have been nicer to you. You get what you give, lady."

Casey took off down the hallway before her desire to wring the woman's neck became too strong. Steve followed slowly, but decided not to go into the room until he knew Julia was okay with it. "Don't beat yourself up too much," he said softly when he realized Alex was standing next to him. "You couldn't have known what was going on."

Alex shook her head and leaned against the wall. "We still should have answered the phone. You guys were trying to reach us and we just ignored you." She looked up at him and tried to smile. "I know we couldn't have known what was happening, and I know it's not our fault. I still feel bad though."

He walked over and gently put his arms around her. "You two came just as soon as you heard. That's all anyone can ask of anyone nelse." He smiled as he pulled out of the hug and kept one arm around her shoulders. "I'm glad I've got friends like the two of you, and I know for a fact that Casey's happy you two came. She's just focusing all her energy on Julia right now."

"And that's how it should be." She sighed and peered through the curtain so she could look at the three in the room. A single tear slid down her cheek and she quickly brushed it away. "I'm just glad she's okay."

"Come on," Steve said, holding her hand and pulling her away from the window. "They're probably going to be in there for a good bit. Why don't I buy you a coffee or something while we wait? I don't think I can just sit out here and do nothing. I need to keep myself busy."

"I'll let you buy me coffee if you let me buy you something to eat."

He shook his head and walked down the hall. "I'm not hungry."

"Steve," she said firmly, a warning tone in her voice. "When was the last time you ate?"

"I ate..." he started, then drifted off when he realized he had no idea.

"Steve, if you have to think about it, it's been too long."

He sighed and bit his lower lip. "Okay. I'll let you buy me something to eat."

"Thank you."

"No promises though," he said, making a futil attempt at joking as they walked down the hall. He smiled and shrugged his shoulders as she frowned slightly. "I can't guarantee I'll be able to eat much of anything right now."

"Can you at least promise to try?"

"Yeah. That I can do."

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Casey ran into the room and hurried over to Julia's side. "Hey, honey," she said, tears running down her face as she sat down in the chair. She swallowed hard and tried to smile. "How are you doing, sweetie?"

"I'm okay," Julia answered softly, turning her head to avoid her mother's eyes. As much as she wanted to lean into her mother's arms and cry, she was scared. She was terrified that she was going to get in more trouble than she'd ever been in before.

"I think I'll step outside and give you two some time," Olivia said quietly, slowly backing up to the door. She smiled warmly at Julia and nodded encouragingly. "Aunt Alex and I are just a phone call away, okay, Jules? You can call us anytime you need us."

Julia nodded but said nothing. She was so embarrassed by this whole thing that she just wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. She hated that she had caused this much of a fuss. That had never been her intention, and she'd had no idea that her parents were going to go to these lengths just to find her. She had figured that they'd be relieved she was gone - that they'd be happy now that they could use their money on more important things. Now, her mother was sitting beside her, trying not to cry. "I'm sorry, mom," she whispered hesitantly as she slowly turned her head towards Casey.

Casey shook her head and wiped away a few tears. "I was so scared," she said shakily. "We were all so worried about you, Jules. Talk to me, baby," she pleaded. "What happened? Did dad and I do something wrong? Is that why you left? Did we do something -"

"I'm too expensive," she interrupted.

"That's not true, baby. Your father and I love you more than anything else in this world, and that is never going to change." She smiled warmly and climbed into thebed so she could snuggle with Julia. She felt her daughter curl close to her and lay her head on her chest. Letting out a shaky breath in an attempt to keep her tears at bay for the time being, Casey wrapped her arms around Julia and kissed the top of her head. "All that's going to really change is where we spend our money. We'll have to get generic foods, probably get our clothes from Wal Mart for a little while, and things like that."

Julia furrowed her eyebrows and looked up at her mother. "That's all?"

"Yeah, honey. That's all. Steve will have to start looking for a new job in a few months, but we're going to be okay. We're not going to starve. We're not going to lose the house. Most importantly, we're not going to send you back to foster care." She smiled excitedly and squeezed Julia's hand. The final paperwork came in today. You know what that means?"

"The adoption's final?" she asked nervously.

"Exactly," Casey said firmly. "It means you're officially our daughter now. It means you now have a permanent place to call home, and no matter what happens in the future, that won't change. It's for real now, Jules."

"So...so you and dad are gonna let me come home tomorrow?"

"Of course we are, sweetie." She smiled warmly and her expression turned a little more serious. "I think there are going to have to be some consequences," she said softly. "But they're going to be like the kinds of punishments we've been giving you." She had seen the fear in Julia's eyes at the mention of the consequences, and she wanted to make sure Julia understood what she meant. "You're going to be groudned for quite some time. Your chores are going to be a little heavier. You're going to have to help your father and I clean up your room and get your new furniture set up. I also think -"

"You're getting me new furniture?"

"Yeah. We don't really have much of a choice, Jules."

"I can just suitcases and stuff. Furniture's expensive. I don't really need all that stuff anyway."

Casey shook her head. "Julia, we're not going to do that to you. You definitely need a dresser and desk. What have we been giving you for allowance? Ten dollars each week?"

"Yeah."

Casey nodded. "Okay, we're cutting it down to eight for now. Dad and I can't pay for everything."

"You can cut it down more, mom. I deserve it."

"And you also deserve to be able to go out and have a good time with your friends...once you're not grounded anymore."

Julia laughed slightly and started to close her eyes. "I love you, mom."

Casey wrapped her arms around Julia and hugged her tight. "I love you, too, honey. I love you, too."

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Jess and Allen strapped the twins into their carseats and climbed in. "I'm worried," Jess said as she buckled her seatbelt and Allen pulled out of the driveway. It was the day of their twelve-month check-up, and she was worried. "What if they find something? What if something's wrong with Christopher?"

"Honey, let's at least wait until we get there before we start worrying."

She turned and smiled at her twins, then turned back around. "I know. I just hate that Alexa's almost walking and he's barely standing up. It just seems like too much of a developmental difference."

He chuckled slightly and shook his head. "It won't do you any good to worry about it until we talk to the doctor."

"Are you seriously telling me you're not at all worried?"

"No," he answered calmly. "I'm just saying that it won't do us any good to focus on the possibilities. We need to just wait until we get there and see what happens. For all we know, the doctor will tell us that Chris is fine."

Jess smiled and leaned her head against the window. Allen was right and she knew it. She was allowed to be worried, sure, but there was no point dwelling on it. She decided to stop arguing and just let Allen drive, figuring they'd find out soon enough what was going on with their little boy.

"We're here," Allen said suddenly, causing Jess to jump slightly. She hadn't realized he'd actually parked the car in the parking lot already. He smiled and rubbed her thigh. "You ready to go inside and have them tell us our babies are just fine?"

"Yeah," she said as firmly and positively as she could. "Let's do this and just get it over with. I want to get them checked out and take them home. I'm tired of worrying like this."

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"Hey, Julia!" Kristen said happily as she ran into the house. She was wearing her dirtiest clothes possible, ready and eager to help everyone start putting Julia's room back together. She ran upstairs and stopped dead in her tracks. "Damn, Jules. You really tore this place up."

Julia smiled in embarassment as she walked up behind Kristen and looked at her room. She'd been released from hospital the day before and had immediately called Kristen to tell her everything that had happened. She'd needed a friend, and Kristen had listened for hours as Julia sobbed into the phone. Julia knew she was lucky to have someone like that. "Yeah," she said softly. "I was pretty upset."

"I guess so. I'm just surprised you thought they were gonna send you back," she said, stepping into the room and picking up pieces of the carpet that had been cut away. "They obviously love you."

"I know they do. I just got scared when she said one of the options was to send me back."

Kristen shook her head. "You know what she meant when she said that, don't you?"

"I do now. I just didn't really get it then."

"At least you get it now," Kristen joked as she carried several pieces of carpet out into the hallway. "After all, I do have a ticket to Disney World sitting on top of my dresser. I'd hate to have to go without you."

Julia laughed. "Yeah, I'd hate for you all to go without me."

Kristen smiled, then turned around and looked at her sternly. "Jules, no more running away, okay? I know I didn't even know you'd run away until after you already got home, but it still scared me."

"It did?"

"Uh, yeah. You're my best friend. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you anymore."

Julia smiled and started cleaning up the mess. "You know what, Kris?"

"What?"

"You're my best friend, too."

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"Okay, why don't we take a look at Alexa first since she seems more eager to get out of that carseat," Dr. Amerson said once everyone was in the room. She smiled as Allen unbuckled his daughter and handed her over. She put Alexa up on the table and quickly tested her reflexes, smiling as everything seemed to be going the way it should. She picked her up and placed her on the floor so she was standing and, holding onto her hands, helped her walk several steps. "She's doing very well," she said.

"Thank God," Allen said, letting out a sigh of relief.

"Considering she was born two months early, she's actually doing exceptionally well."

"Really?"

"Absolutely. You have to keep in mind that when she was born, she still had two months of development left to do. Technically, your children should only be ten months old right now, not twelve. That being said, they should also be functioning at about a ten-month level. I'd say Alexa is doing very, very well."

Jess frowned. "Chris isn't doing as well."

"Let me see him," Dr. Amerson said as Jess handed Chris over to him. She played with him for a bit before setting him on the table and testing his reflexes just as she had done with Alexa. She laughed as his legs kicked up after she knocked on his knees. "Yep," she said happily, picking him up and standing him on the floor. "His reflexes are good."

"But he's not standing like Alexa is," Jess said. "He'll pull himself up but that's it. He won't walk while he's holding onto something, and he can't stay standing once he lets go."

Dr. Amerson smiled. "Remember what I said...about them functioning at about ten months?" She waited for both Allen and Jess to nod before continuing. "Would you two be worried if he was ten months old and doing this kind of thing?"

Jess thought about it for a minute and shrugged her shoulders. "If Alexa was doing what she's doing now, then yeah. I don't know when kids are supposed to do certain things. I just know that she's way ahead of him."

"For your daughter to be nearly walking right now is nothing short of a miracle, considering how traumatic her birth was. Your son's birth was even more traumatic. He's lucky to be alive, much less functioning like he is." She smiled warmly and handed Christopher back to Jess. "Both of your children are healthy and are developing right on target. It's very common in twins for one to get slightly ahead of the other, but I wouldn't worry about it too much. Watch...before you know it, Chris will be caught up to Alexa and the two of you will be chasing them all over the house."

"I can't wait," Allen said, wrapping his arm around Jess' shoulder.

"So it's not cerebral paulsey or anything?" Jess asked, still a little worried.

"No. Your son is fine. Take these two home and have a good time. And don't you dare bring these two back unless they're sick."

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Alex slowly walked into the living room and sat down next to Olivia on the couch. "Casey didn't say one word to me the entire drive to the hospital. Steve didn't either, but at least he talked to me once we got there and Casey went into the room. God, I feel like such a horrible friend right now."

"You're not a horrible friend. We both ignored the phone because at that moment, we needed to focus on you."

"They needed us."

"And we went over there just as soon as we got the messages."

"Yeah, well, I still feel bad."

"I do, too, but we can't focus on that. Casey and Steve aren't mad at us. They're not blaming us for anything. We need to do that, too."

"I know. I just wish we had answered the phone the first time. We could have saved them a lot of grief." Alex took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She wasn't really sure if this was the right time to bring it up, but she felt ready for it right now. She knew the possibility was pretty great that she wouldn't be ready again for a while, so she figured it was now or never. She took another deep breath and stood up. "I need to get something from our room. I'll be right back."

"Okay," Olivia said, slightly confused.

Alex hurried into her room and began frantically looking through her dresser drawers before she finally found it under her blouses. She took several slow, deep breaths, pulled it out, and closed the drawer. _You can do this, Alex_, she told herself as she hid it behind her back and slowly walked out into the living room. She sat down slowly, keeping her back away from Olivia, and swallowed hard.

"Alex, are you okay?" Olivia asked worriedly.

"Yeah, I think so," she said nervously. "I, um...screw it, I don't know how to say it so I'm just going to do it." She slowly pulled an unopened roll of duct tape out from behind her and laid it down on the space between them. "I want to open it."

"Are you sure?"

Alex smiled weakly and nodded. "Yeah. I really think I'm ready now."

Olivia reached over and gently squeezed Alex's hand. "Do you want to open it together?"

Alex reached over and picked up the roll. She turned it over in her hands for a few minutes, mulling over Olivia's suggestion. She knew she'd have a much easier time if Olivia was helping her. "I think maybe if...if you hold my hand, we can each use our other hand and open it together."

"That sounds like a plan," Olivia said proudly as she took Alex's hand and held the duct tape with her other. She smiled proudly as she held the duct tape while Alex pulled the plastic wrap off of it. She took the plastic from Alex and watched in amazement as Alex held the now opened roll of tape. "I am so proud of you," she said happily. "You're actually holding -"

Alex interrupted her by suddenly pulling the edge loose and ripping off a large piece. She stared at it for several seconds before ripping it loose from the roll. She set the roll aside and looked at the six-inch strip of tape in her hands. "I can't believe I was actually afraid of this stuff," she said, more to herself than to Olivia. "I mean, it's just duct tape. It's just..." She looked up and smiled at Olivia's stunned expression. "I just ripped this off the roll!"

Olivia leaned over and pulled Alex's head against hers, kissing her gently. They both laughed as they held the piece of tape between them. "You did it, baby," Olivia said happily. "You did it."

"You helped," she said, putting the piece on the coffee table. "I wouldn't have been able to do it if you hadn't been sitting right here."

"You are such an inspiration. I love you so, so much."

"I love you, too, Liv. Thanks for helping me tonight."

"Anytime, Alex. Thanks for letting me help you."

Alex stood up and pulled Olivia with her. "Ready to go curl up in bed? I'm exhausted."

Olivia smiled. "I'm ready to hold you in my arms, if that's what you mean."

Alex laughed and lead her to the bedroom. "I think I'm up for that...but only if you'll let me hold you in my arms tomorrow."

"Deal," Olivia said, lauging and pulling Alex close as they climbed into bed and fell asleep.

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So, any major mistakes??


	61. Trials

Disclaimer: Same old, same old. I own Jess, Allen, Steve, and now Julia. Dick owns everyone else. I'm still sad about it, too.

Sorry, again, about the delays in updating. I've been working 45+ hours per week and it's just making me exhausted. 45+ hours of childcare each week is very tiring. I get home each night and just want to crawl into bed and go to sleep. Plus, my muse seems to have vanished and I still can't find her. I'm working on this with very little inspiration. I'm literally just sitting here and just typing as I go along...no ideas in mind. Hopefully, it turns out okay. Also, there were storms the last few days, and our power was blinking on and off. I couldn't keep my computer on so yeah...here's the chapter after way too long of a wait.

Again with the lack of Word...it's getting annoying and causing me some serious delays. I hate WordPad and just don't feel like updating with it. I'm so close to being finished though. I just don't like that the last few chapters of this story are filled with spelling and grammar errors. I promise to really read over it several times before posting tonight. Hopefully that'll work...

By the looks/feel of it, this is gonna be a long one. Of course, I can't tell until it's uploaded, but I'm feeling lengthy right now...

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"Do you want to go over it again?" Alex asked cautiously as she watched Julia sitting on the couch, her hands folded tightly in her lap. She didn't want to upset the girl, but the decision was hers and hers alone. She wasn't going to continue without Julia's consent. "Jess and I can walk you through it one more time if you'd like...or we can stop now and call it a day. It's up to you, honey." The trial was less than one month away, and everyone had been doing everything in their power to get Julia as ready as possible for it. Alex and Jess had even been holding mock trials in Jess' living room. They all knew that this would be heavily frowned upon if anyone found out, but they also knew that nobody was going to find out. They'd lose the trial immediately if word got out that Alex was literally literally planting the words in Julia's mouth. Still, they continued. It was the only way everyone could be sure that this wouldn't completely shatter what little strength Julia was clinging to. Alex was prepping the hell out of her, and Jess was reluctantly playing the part of the defense attorney.

Julia swallowed hard and looked up at both of them. She even managed a small smile as she saw the pained look on her Aunt Jess' face. "Now if you could only look and act as mean as the real defense attorney is going to look and act, then I'll really be prepared," she said, trying to make light of the situation. Her mom wasn't there because nobody wanted her associating the trial with her mother. The trial was going to be long and painful, and her mother was going to be that one bit of peace she was going to need. If her mother was there during their practice runs, she might start associating the fears that came out of them with her mother. That was the last thing she needed right now. As hard as it had been at first to do everything without her, she understood that this was how it had to be done. Besides, her mother was always in the next room, just in case things got too hard. Plus, she knew that once the actual trial began, she was going to be able to look out and see her mom whenever she needed that extra boost of strength. That little bit of knowledge was helping her more than she could express in words. They were also holding their meetings in her Aunt Jess' living room because that was where she spent the least amount of her time. There was no reason Jess' living room was the least frequented, but right now, she was lucky to have a place she knew was safe, but that she could also have her trial practice. She knew that if they had been in her own living room, then she wouldn't want to be in there at all, even during times when it was just her and her family at home. It would create too many painful memories. It would make her own living room an unsafe place for her forever, and nobody was willing to risk that.

"I hate doing this to you," Jess said suddenly, breaking the silence and shaking her head. "I mean, I hate that you have to do this at all, and I'm glad I can...help you get ready, but playing the part of the bad guy really sucks."

"Well if it makes you feel any better, you really suck at it."

Jess laughed and shrugged her shoulders. "I'm okay with sucking at being the bad guy."

Julia bit her lower lip nervously and looked up at Alex. "Maybe we'll do it one more time. Then I think I'll really be ready."

Alex hesitated for a moment, looking from Julia to Jess, then back to Julia, and nodded. The look of determination in Julia's eyes was enough to keep her going. _You think you're having a hard time with this,_ she said to herself. _Imagine how hard it is for Julia_. "Okay. Let's do this thing and then go out for dinner."

"Olive Garden?" Julia asked hopefully.

"Honey, we're going to wherever you want."

"Olive Garden it is then," she said happily, then planted her feet firmly on the ground and stared intently at Alex, ready for the "trial" to begin.

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Casey sat at the table, listening intently to everything that was being said on the other side of the wall. She listened, with tears falling down her cheeks, as Julia recounted every detail of what had taken place inside the Warrens' home. She hated that she couldn't sit there and hold her, couldn't offer her any words of comfort or encouragement. Julia was going into such horrific detail, and was managing to stay so strong through it all. She looked aroud the room, staring at the pictures of Jess, Allen, and the twins; praying that she could focus on something other than what was going on in the next room.

She smiled weakly at one of the photographs hanging on the far wall. Everyone was in it: Her, Steve, Julia, Alex, Olivia, Jess, Allen, and the twins. Jess and Allen had even managed to get both twins to look at the camera at the same time, which couldn't have been easy to do. Everybody looked so happy and peaceful; it was like a moment frozen in time. Nobody looking at the picture could ever be able to guess the horrors those in it had faced. Still, despite everything that they had been through, everyone in the picture truly was smiling happily. You could see it in their eyes. It wasn't fake happiness anymore. It was real.

Judging by the silence she heard coming from the other room, the practice trial had either finished or ended because Julia hadn't been able to continue. She turned around just in time to see Jess walk in, her face strained. "Are you all finished?"

"Yeah," Jess said softly, wiping away a tear. "She made it through. She did it."

Casey walked over to Jess and they both hugged. "Thank you," she whispered into Jess' ear.

"I just put your daughter through hell. Don't thank me just yet."

"You just gave her a little more preparation for next month. I'll thank you whenever I damn well feel like it."

Jess managed a small laugh and pulled out of the hug. "At least she told me that I suck at being the bad guy. That made me feel a little bit better about torturing her for the past two hours."

"Trust me, Jess. She knows you're just playing the part."

"How can you be sure, Case?"

"Because I've had many, many talks with her about how these practice runs work. She knows you hate doing them almost as much as she does." Casey smiled and shrugged her shoulders. "Besides, you're her aunt. You're part of the family. She knows she can trust you."

"I hope so," Jess said, pushing her hair behind her ears. "I really hope I'm not completely screwing everything up."

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Casey walked slowly into Julia's room and sat down on her bed. "Alex and Jess went home," she spoke softly, stroking her fingers through her daughter's hair. "Alex is going to get ready and we're going to meet her at the Olive Garden in two hours. Does that sound okay?"

Julia rolled over so she could face Casey. "Good," she whispered, biting her lower lip when she felt her mom wipe away one of her tears. She slowly sat up and pulled her knees up to her chest. "Aunt Jess didn't really say anything before she left today. Is she mad at me or something? Did I do something wrong?"

"No, honey. She's just worried about playing the defense attorney during these practices."

"She really hates asking me those questions," Julia said, a small smile creeping onto her face.

"She really, really does."

Julia frowned and furrowed her eyebrows. "She knows I'm not going to start getting scared of her or anything, right?"

Casey bit her lower lip. "I think, deep down, she knows that. But right now, as she's asking you those questions, she's starting to doubt it. She knows how hard those questions are for you to answer, and the fact that she's the one asking them is making it pretty hard on her."

"But I'm not scared of her. I know she doesn't really mean those things."

"I know, honey."

Julia stood up and opened the top drawer of her new dresser. "I think tonight's a good time to give her this," she said, pulling out a rectangular object.

"I thought you were going to wait until after the trial to give it to her."

"I was, but now that I saw her tonight, I want to give it to her at dinner."

Casey smiled and walked over to her. "I think that's a wonderful idea."

"Do you think she'll like it?"

"I think it's going to make her cry in front of everybody, which she hates to do," Casey joked. "But I know that she's going to absolutely love it. Be prepared for her to hug you though...a lot."

Julia laughed. "I can deal with a lot of hugging. I just want to make her feel better."

Casey shook her head. Leave it to her twelve-year-old daughter to seem far older and wiser than her years. She was always worrying about making others feel better before herself. She knew that the trial was going to be hard on everyone else as well as on her, and she wanted to make sure everyone knew that she appreciated everything they were doing for her. "You're amazing, kiddo," Casey said as she made her way out of Julia's room. "I'm going to take a shower and then we'll head on over to the Olive Garden."

Julia smiled and began wrapping the gift in tissue paper. "Thanks, mom. Thanks for doing all this. I love you."

"I love you, too Jules...more than you could ever know."

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"I'm not saying that I mind doing it or anything," Jess told Alex at Olive Garden that evening. Casey and Julia had quietly excused themselves and gone to the bathroom, leaving only Jess and Alex at the table. "IF there's something that I can do to help her get ready for this trial, I'm going to do it. I just...I saw the look in her eyes when I was asking those questions - "

"She needs to hear them," Alex quickly interrupted. "She needs to know what kinds of questioins the defense is going to ask her. The best way to prepare her is by holding moc trials."

Jess sighed and closed her menu, already knowing what she was going to order. "I know that. I know this is helping her prepare for everything, but I'm so scared of what the consequenses are going to be."

"What do you mean?"

Jess hesitated momentarily. She wasn't really sure if she should even have started this conversation, but now that she had, there was no getting out of it. Alex would never allow her that luxury. "We're holding the practice trials in my living room," she started. "I'm playing the bad guy. She's coming over to my house and I'm questioning the facts of what she went through. I see the look in her eyes every single time I ask her those questions, Alex. What the hell am I doing to our relationship?"

It was only then that Alex saw how much Jess was struggling with the job she had been given. She had known since the beginning that Jess wasn't exactly excited about playing the defense attorney, but she hadn't really seen how much it was worrying her. "Jess, Julia knows you're only acting. She knws that you don't really mean what you're saying."

"Does she though? I mean, she keeps thanking me for doing it, but am I creating some kind of fear of me deep down inside of her? Am I confusing the hell out of her because one second I'm her Aunt Jess and the next I'm the defense attorney who's accusing her of making everything up? Is she going to have nightmares of the trial and dream that it's me asking her the questions instead of the real guy? What the hell am I doing to her, Alex?"

"You're helping me get ready for the trial," Julia said from behind Jess. She had been standing there for nearly two full minutes, and had felt the need to interrupt now. She smiled warmly as her Aunt Jess turned around in surprise. "Here," she said, handing Jess a small package. "This is for you."

Jess' eyes filled with tears as she took the gift and opened it. Inside, wrapped gently in tissue paper, was a small plaque. _To the nicest "bad guy" around,_ it read. _Thanks for all that you do. I'd never be able to get through this without you! I love you more than you know, Jules_. "When did you...how did you...is this for me?"

"I made it for you a while ago. I was planning on giving it to you after the trial, but you seemed upset tonight." She smiled nervously and looked down to the plaque, then back up to Jess. "Do you like it?"

"Like it?" Jess asked, setting it down on the table and wrapping her arms around Julia. "I love it. I absolutely love it."

"Good," Julia said matter-of-factly. "Because I don't want you thinking I'm going to start getting scared of you or something. I hate to break it to you Aunt Jess, but you're not very scary."

Jess laughed and wiped away a tear. "I'll take that as a compliment."

Julia smiled and sat down at the table. "So let's order. I'm starving." She laughed as everyone chuckled at her. "What? I'm starving over here and I know for a fact that the food's really good."

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"It's time to do it," Alex said, more to herself than to Olivia, who was sitting in her office with her. She picked up the roll of duct tape and threw it from hand to hand. Today was closing arguments for her case, and she was nervous as hell. She'd practiced it with Olivia a million times, but she was still scared. Doing it in front of one person, especially the one person you love most in this world, is entirely different than doing it in a room full of people.

Olivia smiled warmly and squeezed Alex's hand. "You can do this, baby. You're ready."

"I just hope I don't completely flip out once I'm up there."

"You won't." She stood up and walked with Alex to the door. "Now get out there and show them who's boss. I'll be sitting right there behind you."

Alex nodded and stepped out of her office. She felt surprisingly ready as she walked into the courtroom, holding the duct tape in her hand. The conversation she'd just had with Olivia had helped her immensely. They'd been practicing for weeks. Now, it really was time to do it.

_"Don't do it if you're not one hundred percent sure you can deliver," Branch had told her the week before after she'd approached him and said that she really was ready. "I don't want to lose this case because you freeze up there during closing arguments. More importantly, I don't want to lose you because this gets to be too much for you."_

_His concern had brought a small smile to her face. He always showed everybody his hard-ass side, but deep down, Arthur Branch was a kind, gentle man. Her well-being came before anything else, he made sure of that. "I'm fine," she'd assured him. "I'm ready to lock that bastard up for the rest of his life."_

_He'd chuckled softly and walked to her door. "Trust your instincts, Cabot. Go up there and give it all you've got, but don't go overboard. Don't do it if you start having doubts. Go in there with a back up plan."_

_"I got it," she told him. "Don't worry. I'll get a conviction."_

Now it was time. The jury was ready to hear her closing arguments. She'd presented them with all the evidence - and there had been plenty to get a solid conviction. Now, hse had to tie it all together. She took several deep breaths to compose her thoughts. Then, she picked up the duct tape and walked out into the center of the courtroom.

"I want you all to picture yourself lying in your own bed," she started confidently. "You're sleeping peacefully. Close your eyes. Imagine this...now, imagine someone has suddenly appeared in your room, wearing a black ski mask. He's blindfolded you and held a knife to your throat. He pulls your clothes off, puts the knife to your throat again, and tells you that he'll kill you if you fight him. Everything goes quiet. There's no noise, and you can't see anything. Then," she said, pausing for several seconds for dramatic effect. She quickly ripped a piece of tape from the roll, watching several members of the jury jump in surprise. She had them right where she wanted them. "Then you hear duct tape being ripped from the roll. "Then you hear duct tape being ripped from the roll. He tapes up your wrists so you can't fight back. Then, he spends the next four hours torturing you..."

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"Life without parole," Alex said proudly as she and Olivia settled into the bathtub that evening. "Damn bastard will never see life outside that prison wall again."

Olivia filled the loofa with water and squeezed it over Alex's shoulders. "And it's all thanks to you."

"Mostly," she said matter-of-factly. "But you guys found all the evidence and handed it to me on a silver platter."

"Yeah, we did, didn't we?"

"You sure did. Plus, all of you...especially you...were so unbelievably supportive."

"Well of course we were. There was no way in hell we were going to let that son of a bitch walk." She smiled and pulled Alex closer. "Plus, we all knew this was probably one of the toughest cases of your life, so we weren't about to just sit back and watch." As she stroked Alex's hair, she shook her head. "You should be so proud of yourself."

Alex sighed happily and leaned into Olivia's arms. "I am proud of myself. I'll admit that there were days when I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to do it, but you guys just kept me going...I did it. I actually pulled the tape from the roll and watched the jury jump in surprise at the sound. Felt pretty damn good when they came back with that guilty verdict."

Olivia pulled the stopper out of the drain and stood up, wrapping a towel around Alex before wrapping one around herself. "Well let's get to bed and make sure we do as much resting as we can these next four days."

"I don't plan on getting out of bed unless it's to eat or pee. I want to be alert and ready when Julia's trial starts."

"You will be. I have every faith in you."

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She'd answered all of Alex's questions. She'd explained, in exact detail, everything that had happened during her stay at the Warren's house. She'd told the entire jury how, every single night, Mr. Warren would come into her room and make her do things with him. She'd told him how she'd begged him to stop night after night, but no matter how much she begged, and no matter how much she fought, he never stopped. Then she'd told them how she stopped fighting because she wanted to save Grace and Abigail from that same pain. He'd told her that if she just allowed him to do whatever he wanted, he'd leave them alone. That, of course, had just been his way of controlling her. She'd told them how one night, she'd walked into the room and found him hurting them. She'd fought him, somehow ended up in the hallway, and shoved him down the stairs. Then, she'd gone into the bathroom and swallowed all the aspirin. She'd done it. She'd gotten through the easy part. Alex gave her a reassuring nod as she sat down. Her mom smiled warmly at her, and then the defense attorney stood up to begin his questioning.

"Hello, Julia."

"Hi, Mr. Kapler."

"I just wanted to tell you that I'm very proud of you for coming out here today and telling us everything that you've been through. I know this can't be easy, so I'm going to try to move through it as fast as I can, okay?"

Julia clenched her teeth. "Okay," she said. He was pretending to be nice, and she knew it. Still, she had to answer his questions, and cooperating was the best way to get through this as quickly as possible.

"Good," he said, smiling at her, then at the jury. "Okay," he said as he turned back to her. "You told the jury that my client, Mr. Warren, came into your room every night and raped you. Is that correct?"

"Yes."

"So you're saying that every single night, my client came into your bedroom and -"

"Yes, that's what I'm saying!" Julia interrupted, then bit her lower lip nervously. She hadn't meant to interrupt him like that. Her Aunt Jess had always just moved on to the next question. She'd never asked the same one over and over.

"I'm sorry to hear that, but are you sure you're not just imagining what happened to you?"

"Objection!" Alex screamed.

"I mean, it would be understandable...given everything you went through before your placement into the Warrens' home. I'm sure you're aware that it's very common for people who have been abused to imagine themselves being abused by those close to them." He paused and looked out at the jury, a huge smile on his face, then turned back to her again. "Is it possible that this is what happened? Is it possible that you were just so traumatized by what Robert Jennings did to you that you imagined my client harming you every night?"

"No," Julia said firmly. "I didn't imagine any of it. I don't make things up. I don't pretend that things happen when they really don't. He hurt me. He hurt me every single night."

"Is it possible that you imagined my client harming Grace and Abigail?"

"Objection!" Alex screamed. "Your honor, this is ridiculous."

"I agree," Judge Bowman said. "Get to the point please, otherwise, move on to another topic."

"My apologies, your honor." He turned to Julia again and smiled with fake warmness. "Are you sure that you saw him harming Grace and Abigail when you walked into the room that day?"

"I'm positive."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

He grinned, obviously pleased with her answer. "Your honor, I'd like to present into evidence the medical records of Grace and Abigail."

Alex rose to her feet and yelled, "Objection! Your honor, I haven't seen these records."

Judge Bowman frowned. "Chambers, now."

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"Mr. Gallagher, would you care to explain to me why you're presenting documents that the prosecution has not yet seen?"

"Your honor, I have only just come into possession of these documents as of yesterday. I have not yet had the opportunity to share them with the prosecution."

Alex rolled her eyes. "That's bullshit and you know it."

"Easy, Cabot. I'd like to review these documents for a few minutes before I make any decisions." He frowned and took the folder from Kapler and looked over the documents. His frown seemed to grow by the second, and after about fifteen minutes, he closed the folder and shook his head. "He never raped them, Alex," he told her, handing the folder back to Kapler.

"He what?" she asked, not quite sure she could believe what he was saying. Grace and Abigail's aunt had insisted on filing seperate charges against Warren, so Alex had never actually seen their medical records. Her case was simply focused on what Warren had done to Julia. The fact that Julia claimed to have walked in and seen him raping the girls, however, was important. They'd found evidence that Warren had had sex in all of the girls' beds, so Alex had never bothered to check. Now, she was kicking herself. "He was all over their rooms!"

"But he never raped them. Julia claims he did. That's enough to cause sufficient doubt. I'm going to allow this into evidence."

"Your honor, this man is sick."

"I agree, but it's his constitutional right to a fair trial. I'm sorry, Cabot, but the evidence is in."

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"Dr. Bennings," Kapler started, staring at the doctor now sitting on the stand. He'd asked Julia enough questions, and she'd answered him exactly the way he had hoped. She'd put doubt in the jury's minds. "You specialize in children who have been abused, is that correct?"

"Yes, that is correct."

"And you've seen Julia several times since she was removed from the Warrens' home, correct?"

She stiffened slightly. "Yes."

"How would you describe her?"

"I'd say that she is, by far, the strongest twelve-year-old girl I've ever met."

"That's nice. Would you say that for children who have been abused, it's not unlikely for them to imagine those around them abusing them?"

"It happens."

Kapler laughed. "Care to specify a bit?"

She took a deep breath, hating that she was about to bring doubt to Julia's story, and explained. "When children have been abused, it's not unlikely for them to create new abusers in their minds. Forming close bonds is difficult, so rather than risk the heartache of what can happen when those bonds are broken, these children sometimes imagine that they're being abused again. Unfortunately, more often than not, they really, truly believe that the abuse is happening again, even when it isn't."

"So, it's possible that Julia's just imagining things."

"I don't think I would put it quite that lightly," she said firmly. "But yes, it's possible that she was so traumatized that she created another abusive world for herself."

"Thank you," he said as he sat down. "No further questions."

Alex stood up and walked to the center of the courtroom. "Does every child who is abused make up a new abuser once the abuse stops?"

"No."

"Does every child who is abused automatically assume that everyone is an abuser, and if they themselves are not being abused, then the other children or nearest "likely victims" are being abused?"

"No."

"Thank you, Dr. Bennigns. No further questions."

Dr. Bennings stepped down, and Dr. Horkins was called to the stand. Kapler stood up and smiled. "Dr. Horkins, you were the doctor who examined Grace and ABigail when they came to the hospital, is that correct?"

"Yes, I saw them."

"And what did you find?"

"I did not find anything."

"Can you explain that a bit more, please?"

"I performed a complete rape exam and found no evidence of trauma. Those two girls were not raped. There was no evidence of any injury at all. There were no bruises around the inner thighs as well."

"Thank you. That's all I have."

Alex stood up and walked over. "Okay," she started, now having to come up with an entirely new game plan. "They weren't raped. Is it possible that they were still abused?"

"There's no evidence to support that."

"His semen all over their bedsheets isn't enough? Isn't it possible that he abused them without actually _raping_ them? There are a lot of ways he could have hurt them and not left a mark, is that correct?"

"It is," Horkins said.

"And isn't it true that you didn't even see Grace and Abigail until a full six weeks after they were removed from the home?"

"Yes."

"So, maybe there were bruises on their inner thighs and they had just healed during that time."

"That is possible."

Alex nodded her head. "So just because they weren't physically raped by the standard description does _not_ automatically mean that they were not sexually abused, do you agree?"

"I do agree."

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"You did it, honey," Casey said proudly after everyone filed out of the courtoom. She wrapped her arm around Julia's shoulder and led her outside to the courthouse steps. The trial itself had lasted a pathetic fourteen days. Everyone had been prepared for it to take longer, but all of the witnesses got through their questions quickly and easily. "You did so great."

Julia looked away. "He never raped Grace and Abigail. I threw him down the steps and he never even raped them."

Casey tightened her grip around Julia's shoulders and shook her head. "But he did hurt them. You heard what they said. He touched them and made them do things with them. You stopped him, Jules. _You_ made him stop."

"How long is he gonna be in jail?"

Casey laughed. The jury had spent all of twenty minutes deciding the verdict. It had been unanimously guilty. "Well, they're still going to have to have a sentencing trial, but you don't need to go to that. Alex just has to go there to recommend sentencing and I'm sure there'll be arguments from both sides. But don't worry," she said, seeing a look of fear creeping onto Julia's face. "He doesn't stand a chance. Given all the charges and guilty verdicts against him, the soonest he could possibly be parolled is in one hundred and sixty three years."

"So he's going to die in jail...he's never going to get out?"

"He's never going to get out."

"What about Beth?"

Casey sighed with relief, glad that at least they weren't goingn to have to go through another trial. "Beth's guilty conscience apaprently caught up with her and now she's cooperating with the judge. She agreed to give private testimony against Warren in exchange for a slightly lesser sentence. She has a chance of getting out in about forty-five years."

"But she's already forty years old."

"That's right."

"So she'll be a little old lady when she gets out."

"Exactly."

"Good."

"Hey, Jules?"

"Yeah, mom?"

"Are you okay? I know these two weeks have been hell, and your birthday was smack in the middle of them. We didn't get to really do anything besides a nice dinner, so I just want to make sure you're okay. If you need anything -"

Julia flung her arms around her mother before she could say anything else. Tears were streaming down her face as she sobbed into Casey's chest. "I'm just glad it's over," she forced herself to say between her sobs. "Everyone was so nice to me and they all sat there in the courtroom so I wouldn't be alone. I didn't make it all up, mom! I promise I didn't make it all up!"

"I know you didn't, baby. I know you were telling the truth. We all know you were telling the truth."

"The judge thought so too," she said, wiping away her tears.

"Yeah, well, he knew you weren't making it all up. You're an amazing young girl, honey. I don't know where you get your strength to keep going, but you certainly just keep on trekking."

Julia shrugged modestly and looked out into the setting sun. "Well, I've got a huge family that I love, parents who are awesome, and a real home for the first time since I can remember. That's definitely helping the situation a lot. Plus, I know that I don't want to just sit around and let it get to me for the rest of my life. I want to have fun and do fun things."

"Like go to Disney World?"

"In three weeks?"

"In three weeks."

Julia smiled and led her mother down the steps. "I can't wait."

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Okay, how many mistakes??


	62. Forever and Always

Disclaimer: Same old, same old. I own Jess, Allen, Steve, and now Julia. Dick owns everyone else. I'm still sad about it, too.

Okay everyone, here it is. It's the final chapter in the story. I have terrible guilt. I'm so, so, so sorry it's taken me this long to get it out. I lost Word, then I lost my Internet connection for two weeks, then my computer died. I got a new one, and it took forever to get it to connect. Then classes started and I've just been going insane. I lost my muse for a while and just could not for the life of me write this final chapter. I promise I didn't forget about the story. I just got way too caught up in everything that was going on in my life and could not for the life of me find the time to sit down and write the final chapter.

So, I apologize for the delay. Here it is. It's over after this. I'm kind of sad about it...

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Julia woke up with a start. Light was shining into her room and she was sure everyone had overslept. They had all missed their flight and they weren't going to make it to Disney world. She was about to start crying when she looked over at her alarm clock. It wasn't even six-thirty yet. She breathed a huge sigh of relief. They weren't leaving until nine, so everything was okay. _You're an idiot sometimes, Jules,_ she said to herself with a smile. Kristen was still sleeping on the floor, so she stepped over her and made her way downstairs and into the kitchen.

"Well you're up early," Casey said as a very groggy Julia stumbled into the kitchen and leaned against the counter. "It's still pretty early to be awake. Did you sleep okay?"

Julia shrugged. "Not really," she answered honestly. She grabbed a bowl from the cabinet and poured some cereal and milk into it. "I'm just too excited to sleep. I can't wait to get on that plane."

Casey smiled softly and sipped her coffee. She was pretty sure she'd added more than enough sugar, but it still tasted bitter. She rolled her eyes when she saw Julia laugh. As she put a little more sugar in, she nodded understandingly. She couldn't sleep either. "I'm excited, too. We don't have to leave for another two hours, but I'm really anxious to get going."

"Me, too."

"Kristen still sleeping?"

"Yeah."

"Good. It's way too early for any sane person to be up."

Julia laughed. "You calling me insane?"

Casey thought for a moment. She knew Julia hadn't taken that the wrong way, so she was trying to come up with a clever remark. She couldn't do it. "Well we're up now," she said, knowing there was no response she could make to Julia's remark. "What do you say we pack up as much as we can into the car? We're up anyway, so let's let everyone else sleep in a little bit."

"Sounds good to me."

They managed to get Casey and Steve's suitcases out first. They struggled a little to get both suitcases in, but after a few minutes, they got it. They stood back and surveyed the available space in the car. Luckily, everyone was meeting at the airport. It would be a little more expensive, since they had to pay to park, but it eliminated the stress of trying to shove all the bags into one car.

"I think everything's going to fit," Julia said. "We've only got mine and Kristen's suitcases and the bag of beach stuff. Our suitcases are pretty heavy though, plus their upstairs."

"Think we can do it?"

Julia nodded. "I know we can."

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Everyone was at the airport early. They weren't about to risk the long lines getting through security. As Jess carried both twins, who were now walking steadily, Allen carried their suitcaes. Everyone else managed to grab their things and carry them over to the airport shuttle.

"I can't believe this is really happening!" Julia exclaimed as the shuttle drove off. She looked over and noticed that Kristen was sitting in her seat, her hands folded into her lap and her eyes looking downard. She nudged her gently. "Kris, we're on our way to Disney World. You're allowed to be excited."

Kristen smiled weakly and nodded. She felt awkward being surrounded by all of these people that she didn't know. She'd met all of them before, but she wasn't comfortable expressing just how excited she really was just yet. "I am excited."

Julia pulled her closer and whispered into her ear. "Then show it," she said. "You're allowed to scream and smile and act all excited." She turned around and looked around the shuttle. Her family took up the entire car. "We're going to friggen Disney World!" she screamed, laughing when everyone else screamed along with her. "See? Go ahead and be excited."

"What do you want me to do?" Kristen asked.

Jess leaned over to her and smiled. "I'd be nervous as hell if I were you right now. Surrounded by people I don't know, and about to go on vacation with them." She shook her head and shrugged. "Be yourself. Be excited. Just...don't be scared. We're all family here and if Julia loves you, we love you."

"I guess I am pretty excited," Kristen said, her confidence slowly growing. Julia always spoke so highly about everyone in her family, so she knew these people had to be prety awesome. "I'm actually really excited."

"Good. I'm glad."

"I'm terrified of flying," Casey told her. She shrugged as Kristen looked questioningly at her. "No particular reason why. I've never had a bad flight or anything like that. I'm just...terrified."

Kristen was starting to feel a little better. These people really were turning out to be just as kind and welcoming as Julia had always described. "I guess I should be a little more appreciative of all of you doing this. I really am excited. I just don't do the whole screaming and jumping for joy kind of thing."

"Not everybody does. It's okay."

Julia laughed and leaned her head on Kristen's shoulder. "I'm just glad you're coming with me. We're going to have such a good time."

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Once everyone found their suitcases, they met over by one window and tried to decide how best to get to the hotel. On the plane, they had thought about all finding cabs, but three or four cabs were going to get extremely expensive. They finally decided on one of the shuttle services the airport ran that went to various hotels throughout the Orlando area. It wasn't going to be the most luxurious ride, but it would be the cheapest.

"Alex and I have a bit of a surprise for everyone once we arrive," Olivia said mischeviously as everyone climbed into the van. She bit her lower lip and shook her head when everyone looked at her. "It's a surprise and I'm not saying another world."

The attention immediately turned to Alex, who just shrugged her shoulders. "I'm not saying anything either. You're all going to just have to wait and see when we get there."

The ride to the hotel was painfully long for everyone. They had no idea what to expect when the car finally pulled up in front of their hotel. "Come on out everyone," Alex said happily. "Meet me in the lobby. I have to go talk to the front desk for a minute."

They all made their way over to the couches in the lobby, tugging their suitcases behind them, as Alex and Olivia went up to the desk. "What do you think she's going to do?" Julia asked.

"No idea," Casey told her, looking over her shoulder at Alex and Olivia at the desk. "We just need our keys, right? We have everything else."

"That's what I thought, too," Allen said. He looked up and smiled. "Hey, look. Here they come."

Alex and Olivia walked over, trying their best to keep the smiles off their faces until they got to the group. Once they got over to everyone else, their smiles finally crept onto their faces. "Okay, here are your keys everyone," Olivia said. "Let's get going."

Casey took her key and turned over, then furrowed her eyebrows. "Fifteen twelve? I thought we were all on the eighth floor."

Steve nodded. "Yeah, isn't fifteen the top floor?"

"Yep," Alex said mater of factly. "It's also where all of our rooms are."

"We're on the top floor?" Julia asked excitedly.

Alex walked over and hugged her. "Aunt Jess paid for the airfare and tickets for the parks. Your mom paid for you and Kristen. Just think of this as mine and Liv's happy birthday slash congratulations for putting those assholes in jail present."

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"Kristen, look at our view!" Juila screamed as she ran from their room out to the balcony connected to it. She smiled when she looked at the baclony next to her and saw her parents walking out. They were in a two-bedroom suite, and each bedroom had their own balcony and bathroom. Between the bedrooms was a huge kitchen and dining room, plus a living room. "We have our own balcony!"

"I see that," Casey said, laughing and gently squeezing Steve's hand. She had let out a huge sigh of relief as soon as the plane had landed in Orlando. She was pretty sure she would have broken Steve's hand if the descent had lasted any longer. She smiled in embarassment as Steve flexed his hand shook it a few times. "Sorry."

"Don't be."

"Your hand okay?"

"It's fine."

"We have our own balcony."

He smiled. "I know."

"Kristen and Julia have their own balcony."

He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and looked out at the crashing waves. Here they were, on the top floor in a luxurious two-bedroom suite, looking at the ocean. "We have to be the luckiest people in the world."

"I think we are."

Kristen walked out onto the balcony and leaned against the railing. "This is gorgeous, Jules."

She smiled and clapped her hands. "It really is. I can't wait to get changed and just run into those waves."

Casey tapped the other balcony and shook her head. "We'll get out there, don't worry. I think everyone else is probably going to want to eat dinner first. We're all pretty hungry after that flight. What do you say we eat and just kind of rest tonight? It's already after five. We'll get up early and spend the day at Disney tomorrow. We've got week-long passes to there as well as to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure. We'll go to all the parks at least once, maybe twice, and we'll spend some time at the beach."

Julia admitted that she was both hungry and tired. "I guess going to the beach today isn't such a good idea. It just looks so beautiful."

"We'll get out there," Kristen said happily as she sat down in the chair. "Don't worry."

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"I think everyone really enjoyed our little surprise," Alex said as she and Olivia walked out onto their balcony that evening. Everyone else had gone out for dinner, but they had declined to join them. They wanted to spend their first night in Florida together - just the two of them. "I just hope Julia isn't too upset that we're not having dinner with them."

Olivia shook her head and smiled. Alex's arms were wrapped around her and she was looking out at the ocean. Nothing could be better than this. No feeling in the world could match it. "I'm sure she's fine. She knows that this vacation is for all of us. Yeah, it's pretty focused on her and everything, but we _all_ deserved a break after all of that."

"That we did."

"You know, your idea to spring for these suites was one hell of a good one."

Alex nodded and pulled Olivia closer. She was growing to love holding the detective in her arms more and more these days. It felt so good to have someone so close. "That was the one thing I remember liking as a kid. Whenever we went anywhere, our hotel rooms were always ridiculously huge and elaborate. It's stupid, I know, but I enjoyed it. They gave me something to look forward to every now and then."

"Well I can tell you one thing."

Alex laughed. "Yeah? What's that?"

"Julia is loving it...and so is everyone else."

Alex stared out into the darkness of the ocean and sighed. She was so happy now. It almost didn't make sense, but she had long since stopped questioning her life's current path.She brushed the hair off of Olivia's neck and kissed it gently. "I love you so much."

Olivia turned slowly and wrapped her arms around Alex's waist. "I love you, too. I think all this stress and everything is finally over." She looked up and smiled. Alex always looked even more beautiful under the moonlight. "Julia's trial's over. You've got a great job with Casey. I'm going to start working at the advocacy center. Jess' twins are walking." She sighed as she and Alex held each other as close as physically possible. "Everything really is working out isn't it?"

"So much better than I could have ever hoped for."

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Everyone, including the twins, was playing in the water. Allen was standing on the shore, laughing with Alexa and Christopher while everyone else was busy in the deeper area. They were all so busy splashing and dunking each other that nobody realized when Julia quietly swam to shore and sat down on her beach towel. It was only when Kristen came up from under the water, ready to splash her, that she realized she was missing.

"Hey guys, where's Jules?"

Casey panicked for a minute. Julia was a good swimmer, she knew that. But she had been there a second ago. Where was she now? She dove under the water and opened her eyes, ignoring the stinging from the salt. "I don't know!"

Alex spun around several times, trying to find here. "There she is!" she said. "She's up there sitting on her towel."

Casey looked up and frowned. They'd all been having such a great time. What happened? "Why's she sitting up there all by herself? I thought she was having fun out here."

"I'm sure she was," Alex said quickly. "I'll go talk to her...make sure she's okay." She swam back to shore, stopped and played with the twins for a minute, and then walked up and sat on the towel next to Julia."You all right?"

Julia nodded but didn't say anything. She just stared straight ahead, watching everyone else playing. It seemed too good to be true - everything that had been happening lately. It almost didn't seem real, not after the way her life had started out. Things were finally getting better. She still had moments, like this one, when she needed to just step back and reassure herself that it wasn't all a dream, but it was getting better.

"I remember the first time Olivia told me she loved me," Alex said after a few minutes. She knew Julia's eyes were still fixed on everyone else, so she didn't bother to try to make eye contact or smile. "I was terrified she was lying, but I was also terrified that she was actually telling the truth. I was afraid to believe her, because I was afraid that if I let myself feel that happiness, I'd lose it."

That was exactly how she sometimes felt. How the hell was Alex so good at relating to her? _You've both been through a lot of the same shit,_ she reminded herself. _Alex knows better than anyone else how you're feeling right now_. She still couldn't bring herself to meet Alex's eyes, but she forced herself to keep the conversation going. "I sometimes just need to sit back and watch everyone. I feel like I just need reassurance sometimes. Does that make sense?"

"Complete sense. I know when Liv and I were first starting out, I sometimes had to take a step back and look at everything. I still do that occasionally, but not as much."

Julia hesitated. She licked her lips and took a deep breath. "I had a nightmare last night...in front of Kristen."

Alex held her breath and closed her eyes. She remembered those nightmares in the beginning. She still had nightmares, but they were becoming few and far between. In the beginning though, they were pretty bad. She had always hated waking up from them, embarrassed and ashamed to know that Olivia had seen that part of her. "How'd she react?"

"She was a little freaked out," Julia said uneasily. "I would have been too. She got me a glass of water and sat with me until I fell asleep. Then she went to sleep. She didn't really bring it up this morning. It was a little awkward this morning, but she's actually been pretty cool about it." Julia hesitated for a minute. "I think I'm just starting to get scared...I mean, what if I end up alone? What if nobody wants me? My scars, my nightmares, everything..."

"Okay, I'm going to tell you something because you need to hear it," Alex said firmly as she leaned closer to Julia and met her eyes. She waited until she was sure Julia was paying attention before she continued. "I had those nightmares, too. I have the same scars. I had the same fears. I agreed to marry a guy I didn't even love because I was sure that nobody would ever truly love me. I was terrified at the beginning of mine and Olivia's relationship because the only people who had ever told me they loved me had ended up hurting me. I had promised myself that I would never let that happen again. When Olivia came back and was so kind and patient, I continued to push her away for months and months. It took me forever for her to get me to open up to her, but little by little, I did. It was hard, and it hurt, but I let her love me."

"It's scary."

Alex chuckled lightly. "It's terrifying. But it does get easier."

Julia turned her gaze back out at the ocean and watched her family playing happily. "I don't even know what to say," she said, more to the ocean than to Alex. "Where I came from...where I am now. What did I do to deserve parents like the ones I've got now?" She turned to face Alex, a few tears sliding down her cheeks. "Why did I get the help love so quickly and you had to wait so long?"

"I don't know," Alex answered, shaking her head. "But I don't think it's really our place to question it. I think we just have to keep living and do our best to deal with the things from our past and know in our hearts that we can and will be loved." She watched Julia for several moments and smiled. "I think I'm going to get back out there and have some fun. Care to join me?"

"I think I'm going to sit here for a minute. I'll come out when I'm done."

Alex smiled. "Okay. Just remember to come back out there with us. Have fun, Jules. Live. Remember that, okay? Live."

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"Ever been on a roller coaster before?" Julia asked excitedly. It was the next day, and hey were at the Islands of Adventure theme park, staring up at the biggest roller coaster the park had. She had once ridden a roller coaster when she was eight, and had loved it. That had been the last time she'd been to an amusement park. Now that she was at one, she was determined to ride every coaster in the park at least once.

Kristen looked up nervously and shook her head. "No," she said. The truth was, she'd never even seen one up close before. She'd never been to an amusement park before. She'd never even been to a local carnival. Her mother just never had the money. She didn't say that though. Other people's sympathy was never something she wanted, and she definitely didn't want it from her best friend.

"Wanna ride it?"

"More than anything," Kristen said dreamily.

Jess laughed as she watched the two take off running towards the coaster. She was the only one brave enough to join them. Everyone else decided to sit this one out and just watch. "You two are lucky I'm a fan of these things," she joked once they were in line. "I haven't ridden one in a long time though. I'll probably scream through the whole thing."

"Hey," Kristen said happily. "I've never even been on one. I'm definitely going to be screaming the whole time."

"This is your first coaster?"

"Yep."

"Damn girl, you've got guts."

Kristen shrugged. "I figured I should just do it. Now's as good a time as any."

Jess smiled and they moved a few feet closer. "Truer words were never spoken, my dear."

Kristen squeezed Julia's arm excitedly and pulled her close. "Did I happen to tell you today that you have got the coolest family - besides my mother - in the entire world?"

Julia smiled and nodded happily. "I do now. I absolutely do now."

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Alex and Olivia laid down in bed and curled close together. It had been yet another perfect day on their vacation. This was their last night in Florida, and they hated to see it end. Over the last few months, Olivia had really been noticing a change in Alex. She was more confident and sure of herself. It was beautiful to see, and she prayed that it lasted forever. "I noticed you and Julia talking for quite a bit the other day at the beach." She smiled and combed her fingers through Alex's hair. "You're incredible, do you know that? You're so far beyond words that it's insane."

"I try."

"And you do very well."

"She had a nightmare the night before," Alex said suddenly. "She was feeling...I don't really know how to describe it. All I know is that she was feeling everything I felt in the beginning. The things she said, the descriptions she gave, I remember feeling all those things. She's so scared of being loved because she's afraid she's going to lose it. She's afraid she's going to wake up tomorrow and this'll all be gone."  
Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex's waist and pulled her close. "I remember you feeling them, too."

"I think you felt a lot of them when you got sick."

"I did. It's a scary place to be in, too."

Alex nodded. "It's terrifying. That's what I told her."

"You told her it was terrifying?"

"Yeah. I'm not going to lie to her, Liv. She's too smart for me to get away with it anyway." She rolled over and rested her head on Olivia's chest. "Besides, I told her it would get better."

"You did, did you?"

"I did. I told her to let herself be loved. That was the hardest thing I've ever done - allow myself to accept your love. But in the end, no matter how hard it is, no matter how much it hurts, it's worth it." She smiled as she traced the ring on her finger. "It's so worth it."

Olivia looked down and traced Alex's ring with her. Several months ago, Alex had bought her a ring, and she hadn't taken it off since. "It definitely is, Alex. It definitely is."

"Hey, Liv?"

"Yeah?"

Alex turned over and leaned on her elbows so she could look into Olivia's eyes. "You're the reason I'm here today. I can honestly say that if it weren't for you, I don't think I'd still be alive right now. I don't think I'd be happy at all. You're my rock, Liv. You're my everything."

Olivia brushed the hair out of Alex's face and pushed it behind her ears. She smiled as Alex crawled closer so their foreheads were touching. "I don't think I would have beat the breast cancer without you. I actually know I wouldn't have. You're the reason I kept going to the chemo treatments. You gave me the strength to get the surgery. I'm alive today because of you."

"So we're both alive today because of each other, huh?" Alex said playfully.

"Seems that way."

"I wouldn't have it any other way." She leaned over and gently kissed Olivia's lips. "I love you, Liv."

"I love you, too."

"Always and forever?"

Olivia smiled and gently bit Alex's lip. "Forever and always."

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Holy $!# it's done! I can't believe it's over. Wow...


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